10 Year Old Mortification

Yesterday, on a day long trip to and from N’s first soccer matches (two hours over, half hour warm up, two hours of game time with an hour break in between, two hours back with an hour break for dinner at one of our favorite restaurants) of the season (won one, lost one, thanks for asking) we spent a good deal of time listening to hip hop music. It isn’t my number one choice but it keeps the boy content and quiet so it’s a small price to pay.

What nobody imagined was the effect that hours of hip hop would have on me. About halfway home I got the bright idea that I should start my very own hip hop group, with me as lead singer naturally, made up of middle-aged women with children. Given the amount of time I had left in the trip (about an hour) and sparse traffic on the interstate, I was able to devote much attention to the development of my new group even to having some ideas of who to invite to join me (a couple of fellow soccer moms came to mind immediately).

Now keep in mind that all of the following details are copyrighted by me so if you try to steal any part of my ideas I will hunt you down and sue you for every penny you earn from them. You’ve been warned.

Name of the Group: M.O.M.S. (Move Over Mom Slackers)
Wardrobe: Leather – lots of it along with plenty of bling and neon pink highlights in our hair
A few tracks from our debut CD:
PTA B Itches
Bullyin’ da Bullies
Soccer Moms Extraordinaire
Wine’s the Only Way (Makin’ It Through the Day)
Workin’ Moms Laundry Day

And our big hit:
Grocery Shopping

Here’s an excerpt:
Goin’ down da produce aisle lookin’ at da lettuce
Hopin’ that e coli ain’t comin’ out to get us
Pickin’ out the cauliflower
Hey them lemons ain’t too sour
Bring it to me, bring it to me
Make me salivate some more.

Indeed, I regaled N with my grandiose ideas. He went from laughing to rolling eyes to searing stares and eventually to “Mom you wouldn’t dare do this would you?” as I continued to go on and on about it including plans to solicit band members via Craigslist, performing in local clubs, and auditioning for next year’s version of “America’s Got Talent.”

Yep, wanna mortify your own ten-year-old? Threaten to start a hiphop group. Works every time.