Yesterday I had my first visit with Freud in a month. Usually I go every two weeks but between my schedule and his in July we just didn’t have time for each other. Normally, this would have bothered me. I would have felt a loss and some neediness. Not this time. This time I took things in stride and can’t recall ever having the thought of wishing I could talk to Freud about this or that or whatnot.
Yesterday, Freud said something that floored me. He finds that my depression is well under control, and perhaps even gone. “Really?!?” I thought. Then I thought some more and decided that he very well could be right. I do seem to have a much better attitude lately. I seem to be coping with things in a more positive way.
So I asked W about it last night. Did he see me as having come up out of the black hole? Yes, he has noticed it for some time but hesitated to mention it for fear of jinxing it.
Apparently with the right combination of meds and therapy I have emerged on the other side of the black hole of depression and found the light at the end of the tunnel to be not a headlight from an oncoming train, but sunshine, beautiful warm welcoming sunshine. My problems and challenges have not gone away, but my attitude in dealing with them has. I find myself much more willing to approach things in a sound and reasonable way rather than with negativity and a defeatist attitude.
Life really is good, in the main. I’m not happy with W, but on the other hand, neither am I miserable. I am my own person and can live my own life with him at the periphery. I don’t need a man, whether W, BJ, J or any others, to make my life complete. My life is complete because I am complete. I am a whole person, rather than the broken mass of parts I was before. I no longer go to therapy to bitch and moan and complain about how life is just not fair and what a victim I am. I now go to therapy to work on specific issues, to find better ways to react in certain circumstances, to learn how to take care of me without stepping on others, to just plain work on being a better person.
What a major shift all this is. I feel so very good most of the time now. Why complain? It just is what it is. Things that have already happened are in the past. No amount of worry or reflection can change the past. Therefore, I remind myself to let the past go and hold on only to the lesson learned that can be applied now and in the future.
I know that reading this, it doesn’t sound like the same person who used to write here. I don’t feel like the same person either. And it feels really very good.
Showing posts with label BJ. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BJ. Show all posts
Thursday, August 02, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
The Sleeping Beast Wakes
Since about the time I turned 50 I lost all interest in sex. Now, if you’ve read much of the older parts of this blog you know that is just about a 180 degree turnaround for me. Somehow my 40’s were my “escapade decade” of lust and lasciviousness. Then almost simultaneously with turning 50 I lost all desire. The sexual appetite went to zero, nothing, nada. It was if someone had finally flipped the switch to the OFF position.
Thus, living with W reached a new level of tolerability. He didn’t want sex. I didn’t want sex. So what’s to argue about? (Well, other than how he treats N, and his hoarding habits, and his incessant time spent playing solitaire on the computer, but other than that...)
So began more than a year of détente. Notice not much blogging occurred during that time. What on earth would there have been to say? I decided that I was a better person when I had no desires of a sexual nature. I decided that since I wasn’t feeling it there was no use forcing it. The vibrator sat idly by. I sat idly by.
Then, within the last couple of weeks, a few urges started creeping back. Sex started to sound more interesting than it had in a very long while. I’ve actually engaged in some playful banter full of flirtation and double entendres while chatting with a couple of people (J being one and an old blogging buddy the other). I am not seeking out opportunities, but if an opportunity arose I am pretty sure I would jump at it. Don’t worry though. Opportunities are few and far between so there is little likelihood that any of us need to contemplate the consequences of that.
Last night I took matters into my own hands. The nightstand drawer was opened for the first time in a long time so I could get out the toys for a little bit of “me time.” It was okay, but it just made me hornier rather than satisfied.
I did discover that I need a new vibe. The old one has a short in it or something because it will work, then not, then with just the right jiggle will work again for a bit. I am considering heading up to the “toy store” to get a new one. I’ve only been there once (or maybe twice) with BJ there to keep my nerves from getting the best of me. Am I adult enough to enter an adult store all by myself? I’m not 100% sure, but I’m going to try to muster the nerve. A girl’s gotta have suitable toys when the real thing is not available. Of course, I know I could order online, but then everybody in the house would ask what’s in the package so I would prefer not to go that route.
Thus, living with W reached a new level of tolerability. He didn’t want sex. I didn’t want sex. So what’s to argue about? (Well, other than how he treats N, and his hoarding habits, and his incessant time spent playing solitaire on the computer, but other than that...)
So began more than a year of détente. Notice not much blogging occurred during that time. What on earth would there have been to say? I decided that I was a better person when I had no desires of a sexual nature. I decided that since I wasn’t feeling it there was no use forcing it. The vibrator sat idly by. I sat idly by.
Then, within the last couple of weeks, a few urges started creeping back. Sex started to sound more interesting than it had in a very long while. I’ve actually engaged in some playful banter full of flirtation and double entendres while chatting with a couple of people (J being one and an old blogging buddy the other). I am not seeking out opportunities, but if an opportunity arose I am pretty sure I would jump at it. Don’t worry though. Opportunities are few and far between so there is little likelihood that any of us need to contemplate the consequences of that.
Last night I took matters into my own hands. The nightstand drawer was opened for the first time in a long time so I could get out the toys for a little bit of “me time.” It was okay, but it just made me hornier rather than satisfied.
I did discover that I need a new vibe. The old one has a short in it or something because it will work, then not, then with just the right jiggle will work again for a bit. I am considering heading up to the “toy store” to get a new one. I’ve only been there once (or maybe twice) with BJ there to keep my nerves from getting the best of me. Am I adult enough to enter an adult store all by myself? I’m not 100% sure, but I’m going to try to muster the nerve. A girl’s gotta have suitable toys when the real thing is not available. Of course, I know I could order online, but then everybody in the house would ask what’s in the package so I would prefer not to go that route.
Monday, November 01, 2010
November Already?
Today is All Saints Day. I’m not Catholic so I don’t celebrate All Saints Day. I’m not particularly into Saints. Oh the New Orleans Saints are alright, but I’m not going to be praying to Saint Christopher, Saint Xavier, or even Saint Nicholas anytime soon.
Well, that had nothing whatsoever to do with today’s post, but it is a reflection of the rambling way my brain has been working lately. This may, in no small part, be due to my sporadic, at best, use of my happy pills lately.
Again, that was a bit of an aside apropos of nothing. Here then lets start with the real post.
I am sad. I am so very, very sad. People are dying all around me. Two of the older ladies in our church passed away within the last couple of months. Both were in their late 80s so perhaps their deaths should have come as little surprise. They did though because both of them seemed so healthy right up to when they weren’t anymore. Last week the mother of a friend died. She was in her mid-60s. This morning another member of our church died, and he also was only in his late 50s or early 60s. I feel like I’m just all cried out about all of it, and yet every now then the tears come again. Too many people dying all in a bunch. It’s ticking me off. Stop dying people.
On a lighter note however, TS2 moved in last month. Goodness, having her around is like a breath of fresh air. I have someone to talk to. I have someone who likes to help out around the house and insists on doing so in return for the outrageously low rent I’m charging her. She fixed a window last night that both BJ and W had attempted unsuccessfully. TS2 ain’t perfect. She talks a lot. Of course, we all have our flaws. Maybe I have on the rose colored glasses (I’ve been known to do that occasionally), but I am no less crushing on her than I was before she moved in.
There are times when I am so damned tempted to make a subtle move on her of some sort, but dang it I am no good at it. I am so much better at it with men than women, possibly just because I have more experience with men than women, but I think women are much harder to read than men. There are two kinds of men – men who will and men who won’t. All you have to do is hit on the ones who will and bingo! With women, who knows? Every one is different, complex, and completely unpredictable. With TS2 there are times I think she’d welcome my advances, but then there are other times when I think, no, she’s just a friend. Bleah. . . I’m pretty sure nothing will ever come of this little infatuation of mine. I’m pretty sure I’ll never make the move. What I just don’t know is if TS2 will make a move on me. I tend to think not. I tend to think she won’t because she will want to respect my “marriage” (using that term loosely).
Or one of these days in a weak moment, I’m gonna plant a kiss on her, and then I guess we’ll see what kind of fallout that causes.
Must exert self-control.
Well, that had nothing whatsoever to do with today’s post, but it is a reflection of the rambling way my brain has been working lately. This may, in no small part, be due to my sporadic, at best, use of my happy pills lately.
Again, that was a bit of an aside apropos of nothing. Here then lets start with the real post.
I am sad. I am so very, very sad. People are dying all around me. Two of the older ladies in our church passed away within the last couple of months. Both were in their late 80s so perhaps their deaths should have come as little surprise. They did though because both of them seemed so healthy right up to when they weren’t anymore. Last week the mother of a friend died. She was in her mid-60s. This morning another member of our church died, and he also was only in his late 50s or early 60s. I feel like I’m just all cried out about all of it, and yet every now then the tears come again. Too many people dying all in a bunch. It’s ticking me off. Stop dying people.
On a lighter note however, TS2 moved in last month. Goodness, having her around is like a breath of fresh air. I have someone to talk to. I have someone who likes to help out around the house and insists on doing so in return for the outrageously low rent I’m charging her. She fixed a window last night that both BJ and W had attempted unsuccessfully. TS2 ain’t perfect. She talks a lot. Of course, we all have our flaws. Maybe I have on the rose colored glasses (I’ve been known to do that occasionally), but I am no less crushing on her than I was before she moved in.
There are times when I am so damned tempted to make a subtle move on her of some sort, but dang it I am no good at it. I am so much better at it with men than women, possibly just because I have more experience with men than women, but I think women are much harder to read than men. There are two kinds of men – men who will and men who won’t. All you have to do is hit on the ones who will and bingo! With women, who knows? Every one is different, complex, and completely unpredictable. With TS2 there are times I think she’d welcome my advances, but then there are other times when I think, no, she’s just a friend. Bleah. . . I’m pretty sure nothing will ever come of this little infatuation of mine. I’m pretty sure I’ll never make the move. What I just don’t know is if TS2 will make a move on me. I tend to think not. I tend to think she won’t because she will want to respect my “marriage” (using that term loosely).
Or one of these days in a weak moment, I’m gonna plant a kiss on her, and then I guess we’ll see what kind of fallout that causes.
Must exert self-control.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
And It Begins Again. . . Maybe
It’s a funny thing about boundaries and taboos. It is scary, sometimes very scary, to cross a line, to step over a boundary, to go into forbidden territory. However, once you’ve gone there it’s even harder not to go back. There is something about having done it, having crossed the line already that makes it easier the second time and the third and so forth.
That’s why it’s important to think long and hard about it before making that initial leap. It’s much harder to go back than it is not to go there in the first place. So my advice to you is don’t go there. Don’t step across the line. Don’t cross the boundary. At least don’t do it unless you really think you want to keep going back there.
So what does this have to do with my life right now? What has me thinking of such wise and philosophical advice? My dark side. I have a dark side – a deep dark side with deep dark thoughts. If you’ve read this blog for a while you certainly know that.
Right now I am in a sexual drought. M moved away in the spring. J hasn’t contacted me in a long time, and since he almost got caught the last time we were together I don’t think we’ll be getting together anytime soon. In short, I am sex starved. When I go through a sexual drought my mind wanders into dangerous territory. Sometimes, too often some would say, my body follows my mind and wanders too.
At this time I’m in the mind’s arena only, but if the opportunity were to present itself I have little doubt that my body will follow. It isn’t just if an opportunity arises. I am working pretty diligently to find a willing partner, maybe more than one, maybe several. I’m not just looking for straight vanilla sex either. I’m on the prowl for down and dirty, a little kink here, a little perversion there. I’ve been trolling some of my old haunts, and found some new ones, on the internet to see what/who I can find.
So desperate do I feel for carnal pleasures I even emailed BJ the other day. I did it not because I want him back (I don’t) or that I’ve never gotten over him (I have). It’s just that he is one of very few people in the world who I trust 100% in a sexual way. I know him. He knows me. We know each other’s most perverse perversions. I know he would take care of me in the manner I want if we were to try living out some of my fantasies. He and I have conversed a bit, and there is definitely a possibility that we will be getting together to play one of these days.
And all the while the little cricket on my shoulder keeps whispering to me, “Danger Will Robinson! Danger!” (Wait a minute. Did I just mix a metaphor? Why yes, yes I did. That’s what happens when you have a prolific post with no proper ending.)
That’s why it’s important to think long and hard about it before making that initial leap. It’s much harder to go back than it is not to go there in the first place. So my advice to you is don’t go there. Don’t step across the line. Don’t cross the boundary. At least don’t do it unless you really think you want to keep going back there.
So what does this have to do with my life right now? What has me thinking of such wise and philosophical advice? My dark side. I have a dark side – a deep dark side with deep dark thoughts. If you’ve read this blog for a while you certainly know that.
Right now I am in a sexual drought. M moved away in the spring. J hasn’t contacted me in a long time, and since he almost got caught the last time we were together I don’t think we’ll be getting together anytime soon. In short, I am sex starved. When I go through a sexual drought my mind wanders into dangerous territory. Sometimes, too often some would say, my body follows my mind and wanders too.
At this time I’m in the mind’s arena only, but if the opportunity were to present itself I have little doubt that my body will follow. It isn’t just if an opportunity arises. I am working pretty diligently to find a willing partner, maybe more than one, maybe several. I’m not just looking for straight vanilla sex either. I’m on the prowl for down and dirty, a little kink here, a little perversion there. I’ve been trolling some of my old haunts, and found some new ones, on the internet to see what/who I can find.
So desperate do I feel for carnal pleasures I even emailed BJ the other day. I did it not because I want him back (I don’t) or that I’ve never gotten over him (I have). It’s just that he is one of very few people in the world who I trust 100% in a sexual way. I know him. He knows me. We know each other’s most perverse perversions. I know he would take care of me in the manner I want if we were to try living out some of my fantasies. He and I have conversed a bit, and there is definitely a possibility that we will be getting together to play one of these days.
And all the while the little cricket on my shoulder keeps whispering to me, “Danger Will Robinson! Danger!” (Wait a minute. Did I just mix a metaphor? Why yes, yes I did. That’s what happens when you have a prolific post with no proper ending.)
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Thursday Therapy: And How Do You Feel About That?
Well, well, well. . .
Good session with Freud this week. We started delving into places whereangels I fear to tread. We started talking about things that have been forefront in my mind throughout my viral snot-infested Mucinex-resistant sinus and bronchial infection.
Being sick gives one lots of time to think between lying in bed limp as a ragdoll and coughing in spasms that wrack the body and cause embarrassing lack of bladder control. Thinking is good. . . sometimes. Thinking is bad. . . sometimes. And sometimes thinking leads you down paths that you just flat out don’t want to go.
But before we head off in that direction (notice subtle technique for delaying tackling the subject matter at hand) I do want to relate some mighty interesting dreams of late. For a period of about two to three weeks and then ending about a week and a half ago I had a recurring dream. My psyche was dealing with the last vestiges of my recent past. The dream always went the same way. I was happily working on something at home when lo and behold BJ shows up unexpectedly. He goes on and on about how he’d made such a mistake to let me go and how he missed me badly and wanted me back. I would turn, look up, and practically laugh in his face as I tell him sorry, too little, too late. I’ve already moved on. The first time I dreamed it I was almost giddy the next day because it seemed such a victory. By the last time I dreamed it I was so finished with both him and the dream I just wanted it over. And it is.
Okay, back to the subject at hand. What I’ve been thinking about a lot and discussed at length with Freud, and will continue to discuss with him at my next session, is the thing that is behind my inability to be without a man, some man, any man, multiple men, in my life at any given time. To be without a man, to me, is the most fearsome thing ever. While it is easy enough to think, and to say, “so go be single for a while, prove to yourself you can do it on your own” it ain’t so easy to do. At least it isn’t for me. I can’t even approach thinking about that without knowing that there is a man, or a few men, or a bunch of men, who are there for me. And once I have a hold on one, or a few, or a bunch, I don’t let go. I don’t let go unless I am absolutely forced to do so.
Part of it, not all of it but a good part of it, is that I want someone to take care of me, to be there for me when I need it the most. I feel like I have no safety net. I feel like I have to just keep plugging along, without rest, without assistance, without anyone to fall back on if and when I need a break. Do other people feel like they have a support system? Is it wrong of me to want one? Am I unrealistic in thinking that I should be able to have the peace of mind that there is a safety net somewhere that will catch me if I fall off the rope on which my life teeters? Am I just naturally weaker than other people? Do other people do just fine and dandy on their own without a net? These are the questions I ask myself, that roll around my empty head while I try to recuperate from the plague of 2010. These are the questions Freud is helping me to start to address. Also, we are digging into why I feel the way I do and what I might do to work myself into a better place.
Good session with Freud this week. We started delving into places where
Being sick gives one lots of time to think between lying in bed limp as a ragdoll and coughing in spasms that wrack the body and cause embarrassing lack of bladder control. Thinking is good. . . sometimes. Thinking is bad. . . sometimes. And sometimes thinking leads you down paths that you just flat out don’t want to go.
But before we head off in that direction (notice subtle technique for delaying tackling the subject matter at hand) I do want to relate some mighty interesting dreams of late. For a period of about two to three weeks and then ending about a week and a half ago I had a recurring dream. My psyche was dealing with the last vestiges of my recent past. The dream always went the same way. I was happily working on something at home when lo and behold BJ shows up unexpectedly. He goes on and on about how he’d made such a mistake to let me go and how he missed me badly and wanted me back. I would turn, look up, and practically laugh in his face as I tell him sorry, too little, too late. I’ve already moved on. The first time I dreamed it I was almost giddy the next day because it seemed such a victory. By the last time I dreamed it I was so finished with both him and the dream I just wanted it over. And it is.
Okay, back to the subject at hand. What I’ve been thinking about a lot and discussed at length with Freud, and will continue to discuss with him at my next session, is the thing that is behind my inability to be without a man, some man, any man, multiple men, in my life at any given time. To be without a man, to me, is the most fearsome thing ever. While it is easy enough to think, and to say, “so go be single for a while, prove to yourself you can do it on your own” it ain’t so easy to do. At least it isn’t for me. I can’t even approach thinking about that without knowing that there is a man, or a few men, or a bunch of men, who are there for me. And once I have a hold on one, or a few, or a bunch, I don’t let go. I don’t let go unless I am absolutely forced to do so.
Part of it, not all of it but a good part of it, is that I want someone to take care of me, to be there for me when I need it the most. I feel like I have no safety net. I feel like I have to just keep plugging along, without rest, without assistance, without anyone to fall back on if and when I need a break. Do other people feel like they have a support system? Is it wrong of me to want one? Am I unrealistic in thinking that I should be able to have the peace of mind that there is a safety net somewhere that will catch me if I fall off the rope on which my life teeters? Am I just naturally weaker than other people? Do other people do just fine and dandy on their own without a net? These are the questions I ask myself, that roll around my empty head while I try to recuperate from the plague of 2010. These are the questions Freud is helping me to start to address. Also, we are digging into why I feel the way I do and what I might do to work myself into a better place.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Happy Anniversary
Today is my three year anniversary at my job. Looking back three years ago it seems like such a short time in some ways and a lifetime ago in others. The new job meant a second big move in just a few years’ time, a disruption whose effects continue to ripple through my life. Some things are better than they were then, some things are worse, some are just different but not really better or worse, and some things are just still the same. Let’s look at each category, shall we?
Better
Worse
Just Different
Same
Overall, I would say that the Betters outweigh the Worses. Also, many of those Sames are things I need to help change so there’s plenty of room to keep making the Better list longer.
Better
- BJ and I have run our course
- M is a steady source of physical release so I’m not so on edge all the time
- Meds for the depression finally seem to be right
- Freud is helping me be a better me
- I have season Illini basketball tickets
- I love, love, love, love, love my church
- I have developed true friendships with a few people
Worse
- I keep letting J back into my life in spite of him being on marriage #3
- I am dealing with a house I never should have bought
- Finances continue to worsen, at least for the next few months
- My relationship with my parents is becoming more strained again
- My weight is back up to where it was before I lost weight several years ago
- I let Gladys intimidate me to the point where I don’t use my backyard
Just Different
- N is a precocious 11-year-old instead of a precocious 8-year-old
- N is focusing on soccer and basketball as his sports of choice rather than doing everything
- Different boss, now that we’ve cleared the air I no longer consider this a worse thing, but I’m not ready to say it’s a better thing either
Same
- W is still here, once again living in my home
- W and I are still married
- I am still miserable being with W
- I still hate the stupid Hallmark holiday in the middle of February
- I still hate Midwestern winters
- I still miss living in northern CA
Overall, I would say that the Betters outweigh the Worses. Also, many of those Sames are things I need to help change so there’s plenty of room to keep making the Better list longer.
*******************
On another note, (although I suppose one could argue this could’ve been part of the Better list) I have returned to reading one book every week or two. While this isn’t near what my reading used to be it is far greater than it has been in a long time and probably about as much as my busy life can accommodate currently. I credit getting the depression under control with bringing back my ability to concentrate and focus long enough to actually read and comprehend. I recently obtained a library card and am having a ball checking out books and reading.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Groundhog Day Forecast: Cloudy with Perhaps a Ray of Sun
Today’s post is presented in Herb Caen three dot journalistic fashion. For those clueless to the meaning of that (I suspect just about anyone who hasn’t spent time in the Bay Area) click on the link. Herb Caen was an icon. I never missed a column of his the entire time I lived in Northern CA. My version of three dot journalism pales in comparison to his. But it’s more fun than doing just a regular ole’ bullet point list. So there.
* * *
N has a nasty bronchial virus. He is one miserable boy. We’ve spent lots of time in a warm, steamy bathroom the last few days trying to make breathing a little easier. He stayed home from school yesterday and again today. Mind you, he doesn’t mind missing school, but he was quite upset that he might miss a pizza party his class is having. You see, N earned that pizza party for his class by completing a challenge from his teacher. The challenge? Turn in every single assignment for one whole week. Now you and I both know that shouldn’t be a big deal. That’s just what you do, turn in your assignments. However, it has been an ongoing struggle with N, and he swore there was no possible way he could ever turn in everything for a whole week. Well, he did. Therefore, a pizza party at the teacher’s expense is the reward. Of course the teacher is going to wait until N returns to school before having the pizza party, but N was worried enough about it that I spoke to his teacher yesterday to confirm it. Now all is well. N can rest and recuperate in peace knowing that pizza will not be had without him.* * *
W continues to go through life completely clueless. He is so clueless about so many things. He just goes through life with blinders on, refusing to look at anything he doesn’t want to see, refusing to acknowledge anything that may be different than his perception. It is clear to me that he is completely 100% clueless that I am barely tolerating his presence at home. He doesn’t seem to get that in spite of my trying to be cordial and not ice cold to him at all times that doesn’t mean that I’m all head over heels in love with him. He’s convinced himself that ours is a love that is stronger than all the troubles we’ve had. What is actually stronger than all our troubles is my ability to tolerate less than tolerable situations. While some may see me as weak because I have let him back in the house I see myself as strong, strong enough to tolerate, strong enough to bide my time, strong enough to see through a commitment made years ago when I didn’t have a clue where that commitment would take me. * * *
Related to W’s cluelessness, I am somewhat dreading that awful holiday that falls in the middle of the second month of the year. I dread it because I anticipate that W will try to do something special for me to show me how much he loves me. Ick. Just the thought of it makes my stomach turn.* * *
Church work is consuming more of my time lately, and I love it! I think it’s really good to spend my time involved in spiritual things. I find it to be very nourishing to my soul. After facilitating an adult bible study lately I am feeling ever so much more plugged into my church community. For the upcoming year (and probably two) I will be working heavily in the adult education ministry of our church. This is absolutely a brand new area for me and not one that I would have ever actively sought out on my own as a ministry for myself. However, God knows better than we sometimes (Just sometimes? Okay, so leave the sometimes out of that statement.) so that’s where I am and feeling optimistic and enthusiastic about it. I think that if BJ and I were still together I probably would not have opened myself to this kind of role as I would have feared it would take time away from “us” since he was not an enthusiastic church person.* * *
I am so much better off without BJ in my life. Yes, I know you knew that. It’s just that it took me, as usual, a bit of time to catch up. He dragged me down in ways that I refused to acknowledge for a very long time. I have spent a lot of time thinking about our relationship lately, but not in missing it like I did for a while. I have been thinking about a lot of the negatives that were there, and there were a lot of negatives. He was, once again, a project for me. He was a lost sheep for me to save. The problem though is that I am not a shepherd. It is not my job to save lost sheep, and I am not good at it anyway. It is not what I need to do. When I met him he was a lost sheep, and when we parted ways he was still a lost sheep. I am somewhat sorry our paths crossed but not a whole lot. I learned some things about myself from my relationship with BJ. I also learned a few things about the standards by which the next man will have to measure up to be allowed into my life in the way I allowed BJ into my life. I truly wish BJ well and hope that someday he finds the thing(s) that elude him in his life. It saddens me that I will probably never know how his life is going because I do care about him, but that’s up to him.* * *
Growth is not always at the pace we desire. Sometimes it comes awfully slowly and with many fits and starts. I feel deeply that I have come through a period of tremendous growth in the last few years. It has been painful, as growth often is. It isn’t over by any means. I’ve still got miles and miles to go to be “right in the head,” but I think I’m finally pointed in the right direction. I think we’ve finally got the right combo of meds to help me stay out of the black hole, at least most of the time. I am learning techniques to use to pull me away from the black hole when I feel myself being lured back. I feel good with where I am and what I’m doing for the most part. Life isn’t quite as bleak as it has been. There are still clouds but more whitish and not so black and gray. You know, if I’m not careful I might just see a ray of sunshine amidst the clouds.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
More Like a Moderately Sized Angry Rant
A little while back I wrote:
I feel a really big angry rant brewing inside me. I know anger is one of the phases of the grieving process. I thought I’d pretty well worked through the grieving process over someone yet it seems perhaps I was just caught up in the denial phase. By year’s end (so in the next couple of weeks) I do believe you can expect to see me letting off a bit of steam here in the form of one really big angry rant at someone who I feel deserves it in spite of my defenses of him in the past on this blog. You know, even a pressure cooker will explode if you let the steam build up too long.
The anger is still there, but it is almost (not quite, but almost) replaced by sadness. Sadness at myself for trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole for far too long. Sadness at him for not being the person I wanted him to be for me.
I am torn between the desire to rip him to shreds with an anger-filled furious blogpost, to expose ugliness and failures and get all up on my self-righteous high horse about how I deserve so much better and blah, blah, blah. . . while on the other hand, he could certainly do the same to me with some ease I am sure. I am sure I failed him and disappointed him on all sorts of levels. Yes, we could rant away at each other and even make some damned fine points about each others’ failings. We could start a big ole’ flame war if we were so inclined.
Yet this blog was never intended to be a place for me to bash others but a place for me to try to grow. I have bashed others on occasion and probably will again, but it isn’t what I ever meant for this blog to be. I would rather this blog be about my growth, about me and what I’m doing right and wrong. Enough bashing is done without me adding to it more than I already have.
So let me record once and for all that I am going through the anger phase of the grieving process over BJ.
This past Sunday I nearly called him, but I didn’t. I nearly texted him, but I didn’t. I nearly just drove to his house instead of mine when I got back from taking N to Winter Camp, but I didn’t. I resisted the urge to pick at the scab. I resisted the urge to rant at him. I tried to, but couldn’t quite, resist the urge to write this blog post. I did resist the urge to rant in detail though. I had so much more I could've said but didn't. Perhaps that’s a good thing.
One last thing. I am angry at myself for deep down knowing the truth of a statement I made to him almost two years ago and yet ignoring it and denying it to myself for far too long. My statement: “You know this proves we could never be together again because neither one of us would ever be able to trust the other again.” I said this to him at a time when he and I did something wrong behind someone else’s back. I knew then that if he and I were both the kind of people to do what we had just done that neither of us could, or should, trust the other after that. I ignored my own knowledge. Flat out ignored it. Denied the truth of it. And for that, I am really pissed off at myself.
Okay folks that’s it. Bashing done. Anger phase recorded. Let’s move on.
I feel a really big angry rant brewing inside me. I know anger is one of the phases of the grieving process. I thought I’d pretty well worked through the grieving process over someone yet it seems perhaps I was just caught up in the denial phase. By year’s end (so in the next couple of weeks) I do believe you can expect to see me letting off a bit of steam here in the form of one really big angry rant at someone who I feel deserves it in spite of my defenses of him in the past on this blog. You know, even a pressure cooker will explode if you let the steam build up too long.
The anger is still there, but it is almost (not quite, but almost) replaced by sadness. Sadness at myself for trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole for far too long. Sadness at him for not being the person I wanted him to be for me.
I am torn between the desire to rip him to shreds with an anger-filled furious blogpost, to expose ugliness and failures and get all up on my self-righteous high horse about how I deserve so much better and blah, blah, blah. . . while on the other hand, he could certainly do the same to me with some ease I am sure. I am sure I failed him and disappointed him on all sorts of levels. Yes, we could rant away at each other and even make some damned fine points about each others’ failings. We could start a big ole’ flame war if we were so inclined.
Yet this blog was never intended to be a place for me to bash others but a place for me to try to grow. I have bashed others on occasion and probably will again, but it isn’t what I ever meant for this blog to be. I would rather this blog be about my growth, about me and what I’m doing right and wrong. Enough bashing is done without me adding to it more than I already have.
So let me record once and for all that I am going through the anger phase of the grieving process over BJ.
- I am angry at him for things he did and things he didn’t do.
- I am angry over perceived slights.
- I am angry that it appears our break up didn’t hurt him nearly as much as it hurt me.
- I am angry that I let our relationship last as long as it did.
- I am angry that our relationship didn’t last longer.
- I am angry that without BJ in my life I had no reason not to let W move back into the house.
- I am angry that I would want to blame that on BJ rather than accept the blame myself.
- I am angry that when I wrote to BJ in an email months ago “I guess I had hoped you’d care enough to want more from me and try to open a discussion with me, but I’m not sure you even noticed my pulling back until I mentioned it over the weekend. Maybe I’m living out a tagline from one of the blogs I read: Sometimes people build walls just to see who cares enough to tear them down” it was already plain to me that he didn’t care enough to tear them down.
- I’m angry that there may not be anyone out there who cares enough to tear them down.
This past Sunday I nearly called him, but I didn’t. I nearly texted him, but I didn’t. I nearly just drove to his house instead of mine when I got back from taking N to Winter Camp, but I didn’t. I resisted the urge to pick at the scab. I resisted the urge to rant at him. I tried to, but couldn’t quite, resist the urge to write this blog post. I did resist the urge to rant in detail though. I had so much more I could've said but didn't. Perhaps that’s a good thing.
One last thing. I am angry at myself for deep down knowing the truth of a statement I made to him almost two years ago and yet ignoring it and denying it to myself for far too long. My statement: “You know this proves we could never be together again because neither one of us would ever be able to trust the other again.” I said this to him at a time when he and I did something wrong behind someone else’s back. I knew then that if he and I were both the kind of people to do what we had just done that neither of us could, or should, trust the other after that. I ignored my own knowledge. Flat out ignored it. Denied the truth of it. And for that, I am really pissed off at myself.
Okay folks that’s it. Bashing done. Anger phase recorded. Let’s move on.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday Stealing: The Final Week of 2009 Meme
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? Let W move back into the house after I thought I’d finally gotten him out for good.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? No, and no I don’t think I’ll make any this year although I still have a few days so maybe I’ll change my mind.
3. How will you be spending New Year's Eve? Sleeping.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes, I blogged about it here.
5. What countries did you visit? Just this one.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? The key to not letting my past interfere with my future.
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Monday, August 24, 2009. It’s the day I sent the most ill-fated email of all times, the one that asked BJ if we could slow things down and that signaled the beginning of the end of our relationship.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Fighting back against the biggest wave of depression in my lifetime and winning, giving me hope that I can continue to fight back in the future when the depression comes again.
9. What was your biggest failure? Not finding the hardness of heart necessary to make W have to fend for himself rather than letting him back in my house.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Just a hugely broken heart.
11. What was the best thing you bought? Tickets to Holiday World for N and me. It was a great, and not terribly expensive, summer vacation.
12. Where did most of your money go? Mortgage, over half my net income went there.
13. What song will always remind you of 2009? Live Your Life by T.I.
14. What do you wish you'd done more of? Taking care of me.
15. What do you wish you'd done less of? Taking care of W.
16. What was your favorite TV program? It’s so hard to pick just one, but if I had to whittle TV viewing down to just one program I would pick All My Children. It’s an addiction.
17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No, hate is a waste of time and energy in my opinion.
18. What was the best book you read? One of Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events books. I don’t remember the title, but it’s the one that mostly takes place at Heimlich Hospital. N and I read it together as a bedtime story for him, and I loved it.
19. What was your greatest musical discovery? That N is pretty good on the trumpet.
20. What was your favorite film of this year? Avatar.
21. What did you do on your birthday? Try as I might, I absolutely can’t remember. Even looking back at my calendar it appears that nothing at all special occurred that day. I even went back and looked at my blog entries from that time, and they didn’t give me a clue.
22. What kept you sane? Who said I stayed sane? However, I will say that my friendships with Drama, Jeni and Val did a lot to help keep me as sane as possible.
23. Who did you miss? BJ, still do. . .
24. Who was the best new person you met? The new pastor at my church.
25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: Trust no one and always look out for #1.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? No, and no I don’t think I’ll make any this year although I still have a few days so maybe I’ll change my mind.
3. How will you be spending New Year's Eve? Sleeping.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes, I blogged about it here.
5. What countries did you visit? Just this one.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? The key to not letting my past interfere with my future.
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Monday, August 24, 2009. It’s the day I sent the most ill-fated email of all times, the one that asked BJ if we could slow things down and that signaled the beginning of the end of our relationship.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Fighting back against the biggest wave of depression in my lifetime and winning, giving me hope that I can continue to fight back in the future when the depression comes again.
9. What was your biggest failure? Not finding the hardness of heart necessary to make W have to fend for himself rather than letting him back in my house.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Just a hugely broken heart.
11. What was the best thing you bought? Tickets to Holiday World for N and me. It was a great, and not terribly expensive, summer vacation.
12. Where did most of your money go? Mortgage, over half my net income went there.
13. What song will always remind you of 2009? Live Your Life by T.I.
14. What do you wish you'd done more of? Taking care of me.
15. What do you wish you'd done less of? Taking care of W.
16. What was your favorite TV program? It’s so hard to pick just one, but if I had to whittle TV viewing down to just one program I would pick All My Children. It’s an addiction.
17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No, hate is a waste of time and energy in my opinion.
18. What was the best book you read? One of Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events books. I don’t remember the title, but it’s the one that mostly takes place at Heimlich Hospital. N and I read it together as a bedtime story for him, and I loved it.
19. What was your greatest musical discovery? That N is pretty good on the trumpet.
20. What was your favorite film of this year? Avatar.
21. What did you do on your birthday? Try as I might, I absolutely can’t remember. Even looking back at my calendar it appears that nothing at all special occurred that day. I even went back and looked at my blog entries from that time, and they didn’t give me a clue.
22. What kept you sane? Who said I stayed sane? However, I will say that my friendships with Drama, Jeni and Val did a lot to help keep me as sane as possible.
23. Who did you miss? BJ, still do. . .
24. Who was the best new person you met? The new pastor at my church.
25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: Trust no one and always look out for #1.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Twisted Logic, Complaints, Whining
(You know just the normal bullshit around here.)
It’s amazing what you can live with, or without, even when it is something that you swore would always be important to you. Sometimes, you just find out that when it comes right down to it, what you claim is important just isn’t what is really important. When it comes right down to it, actions really do speak volumes louder than words.
From that opening paragraph you are probably expecting some profound exposition on some greater truth of life. Then again, you’ve probably been reading here long enough to know that would be an extremely high expectation for this blog. In spite of the title, “Deepest Darkest Thoughts,” seldom is seen here anything really profound. As a matter of fact, a more appropriate title for this blog may well have been “Dirty Little Secrets.” But I digress. . .
I have been a woman who, for years, regularly had my hair cut and colored. I long held the opinion that it was important, perhaps nearly essential, to have a nice hairstyle and more importantly to never let the gray show. Now I knew I didn’t have much gray, but I also knew there were a few strays here and there. I certainly didn’t want anyone to see them. Ah vanity, yes you are my friend.
So then we come to the time where W and I split up. We go our separate ways. He leaves me with a house (that I will readily admit I picked because I intended that one day BJ and I would share it, and share in the expense of the maintenance and upkeep) with a goodly sized monthly mortgage payment, high utility bills, and one thing or another requiring repair on a regular basis. More than once I dipped into the emergency savings fund to pay to keep the house in decent repair.
Decisions had to be made. I couldn’t dip into emergency savings too frequently, or I would leave myself with nothing at all as a fallback. Expenses had to be cut, and that’s where you learn what’s really important to you, and what’s not. Hair care was one of the first things to go. It wasn’t even that difficult a decision. It saved me nearly $100 a month. Housecleaning services also went by the wayside, saving me another $100 a month. Illini season football tickets were not renewed. I forget how much that saved, but given the weather this season and the Illini’s performance (or lack thereof), it was money well worth saving. What didn’t go by the wayside were Illini season basketball tickets. Now that is $800 a year that I would spend no matter how bad things got unless it meant the difference between homelessness and staying in my house. Truly, it is just that important to me. Another thing that didn’t go by the wayside was my 401(k) contributions. I considered cutting back on them, but I just wasn’t willing to sacrifice the future for the present. (I know. How utterly old school of me. The very thought of not mortgaging the future in order to play big in the present. What a concept. What can I say? Social liberal, fiscal conservative.)
Then things got rocky for me and BJ. I could tell that things weren’t working out with him the way I wanted. I could tell that he didn’t care about me the way he did before. Something was amiss. Somehow we weren’t meant to be. It became clear to me that he was never going to move into my house and be a co-contributor to the household. He wanted me to be able to move so that we could live somewhere between his job and mine. I have my reasons for wanting N to stay in the school district in which we live. I wanted to stay, at least until N graduates high school, where I am. Not to mention that I know the economy is such that right now would not be a good time to sell the house because it would mean selling it for less than what I paid. I suggested to BJ that perhaps we should step back and reevaluate. He jumped at the suggestion, and as far as I could tell took my suggestion as a break up rather than what I meant to be a temporary cool down. It probably took me a good two weeks of not hearing from him to decide that we weren’t working on working anything out but just going our separate ways. It was probably the weirdest break up I’ve ever experienced.
I was left reeling. Not only was I dealing with the emotions of the break up but also the knowledge that I had now left myself very financially vulnerable, more so than I had ever intended. If I went ahead with the divorce, I owed W over $70K for his share of the equity in the house. If we reconciled, the house would be paid off by next summer, freeing up a huge chunk of cash flow each month. Besides, W was being evicted and needed someone to care for him and his broken arm.
All of this brings us to today. Today I am still burdened with the financial responsibility of the house. W is still on the hook for his multitudinous debts he acquired during our separation. He pours 90% of his income into the reduction of those debts. The rest he spends on his personal items and the occasional grocery run for the household. However, I do see light at the end of the tunnel. By the time summer arrives the house will be fully paid for, and that will ease the cash flow crunch a great deal. The first priority will be to build the emergency fund back to its former level. Once that is accomplished, then smaller contributions will go there and allow me to perhaps once again get regular hair care and maybe even get someone in to clean the house occasionally. Not only that, I might be able to buy myself a laptop computer again.
The financial pressure has been crushing to me. Nothing stresses me quite like financial pressure, and for years I lived without financial pressures. Before we moved to LNJ, income far exceeded outflow. It was easy to live within our means. Unfortunately, I put too much financial pressure on myself by purchasing too much of a house here, and counting on having someone to share in it. I put the cart before the horse by making plans for a future that did not occur. I placed trust where trust was unwarranted. I paid a huge price for that, and now it feels as though my punishment is to be stuck with W for the remainder of his life.
And really? All I want to do is get back to a place where I can afford to have good professional hair care. If I can ever add that back to my budget I’ll live without the housecleaning services, and the lawn care services, and the week long vacations, and even replacing the laptop computer. I do miss the professional hair care. Although it was little enough priority to cross off the list during financial crisis, it will be the first thing back when the finances ease. Ah vanity, you are indeed my friend.
It’s amazing what you can live with, or without, even when it is something that you swore would always be important to you. Sometimes, you just find out that when it comes right down to it, what you claim is important just isn’t what is really important. When it comes right down to it, actions really do speak volumes louder than words.
From that opening paragraph you are probably expecting some profound exposition on some greater truth of life. Then again, you’ve probably been reading here long enough to know that would be an extremely high expectation for this blog. In spite of the title, “Deepest Darkest Thoughts,” seldom is seen here anything really profound. As a matter of fact, a more appropriate title for this blog may well have been “Dirty Little Secrets.” But I digress. . .
I have been a woman who, for years, regularly had my hair cut and colored. I long held the opinion that it was important, perhaps nearly essential, to have a nice hairstyle and more importantly to never let the gray show. Now I knew I didn’t have much gray, but I also knew there were a few strays here and there. I certainly didn’t want anyone to see them. Ah vanity, yes you are my friend.
So then we come to the time where W and I split up. We go our separate ways. He leaves me with a house (that I will readily admit I picked because I intended that one day BJ and I would share it, and share in the expense of the maintenance and upkeep) with a goodly sized monthly mortgage payment, high utility bills, and one thing or another requiring repair on a regular basis. More than once I dipped into the emergency savings fund to pay to keep the house in decent repair.
Decisions had to be made. I couldn’t dip into emergency savings too frequently, or I would leave myself with nothing at all as a fallback. Expenses had to be cut, and that’s where you learn what’s really important to you, and what’s not. Hair care was one of the first things to go. It wasn’t even that difficult a decision. It saved me nearly $100 a month. Housecleaning services also went by the wayside, saving me another $100 a month. Illini season football tickets were not renewed. I forget how much that saved, but given the weather this season and the Illini’s performance (or lack thereof), it was money well worth saving. What didn’t go by the wayside were Illini season basketball tickets. Now that is $800 a year that I would spend no matter how bad things got unless it meant the difference between homelessness and staying in my house. Truly, it is just that important to me. Another thing that didn’t go by the wayside was my 401(k) contributions. I considered cutting back on them, but I just wasn’t willing to sacrifice the future for the present. (I know. How utterly old school of me. The very thought of not mortgaging the future in order to play big in the present. What a concept. What can I say? Social liberal, fiscal conservative.)
Then things got rocky for me and BJ. I could tell that things weren’t working out with him the way I wanted. I could tell that he didn’t care about me the way he did before. Something was amiss. Somehow we weren’t meant to be. It became clear to me that he was never going to move into my house and be a co-contributor to the household. He wanted me to be able to move so that we could live somewhere between his job and mine. I have my reasons for wanting N to stay in the school district in which we live. I wanted to stay, at least until N graduates high school, where I am. Not to mention that I know the economy is such that right now would not be a good time to sell the house because it would mean selling it for less than what I paid. I suggested to BJ that perhaps we should step back and reevaluate. He jumped at the suggestion, and as far as I could tell took my suggestion as a break up rather than what I meant to be a temporary cool down. It probably took me a good two weeks of not hearing from him to decide that we weren’t working on working anything out but just going our separate ways. It was probably the weirdest break up I’ve ever experienced.
I was left reeling. Not only was I dealing with the emotions of the break up but also the knowledge that I had now left myself very financially vulnerable, more so than I had ever intended. If I went ahead with the divorce, I owed W over $70K for his share of the equity in the house. If we reconciled, the house would be paid off by next summer, freeing up a huge chunk of cash flow each month. Besides, W was being evicted and needed someone to care for him and his broken arm.
All of this brings us to today. Today I am still burdened with the financial responsibility of the house. W is still on the hook for his multitudinous debts he acquired during our separation. He pours 90% of his income into the reduction of those debts. The rest he spends on his personal items and the occasional grocery run for the household. However, I do see light at the end of the tunnel. By the time summer arrives the house will be fully paid for, and that will ease the cash flow crunch a great deal. The first priority will be to build the emergency fund back to its former level. Once that is accomplished, then smaller contributions will go there and allow me to perhaps once again get regular hair care and maybe even get someone in to clean the house occasionally. Not only that, I might be able to buy myself a laptop computer again.
The financial pressure has been crushing to me. Nothing stresses me quite like financial pressure, and for years I lived without financial pressures. Before we moved to LNJ, income far exceeded outflow. It was easy to live within our means. Unfortunately, I put too much financial pressure on myself by purchasing too much of a house here, and counting on having someone to share in it. I put the cart before the horse by making plans for a future that did not occur. I placed trust where trust was unwarranted. I paid a huge price for that, and now it feels as though my punishment is to be stuck with W for the remainder of his life.
And really? All I want to do is get back to a place where I can afford to have good professional hair care. If I can ever add that back to my budget I’ll live without the housecleaning services, and the lawn care services, and the week long vacations, and even replacing the laptop computer. I do miss the professional hair care. Although it was little enough priority to cross off the list during financial crisis, it will be the first thing back when the finances ease. Ah vanity, you are indeed my friend.
Monday, December 07, 2009
Sunday Stealing: The Can't Sleep Meme
Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? Given that the last person I kissed was M, no, it wouldn’t be hard, not at all. As a matter of fact it would be mighty fine.
When is it hard to kiss someone? When I am repulsed by them.
You're trapped in a room with your most recent ex for three days, what do you do? Given that my most recent ex is BJ, I’d have to say have sex. Of course, that depends on whether or not he would be willing I suppose, but knowing him as I think I do I think he’d be willing. If he wasn’t willing, I suppose we’d have to watch sports or Law & Order on TV. We certainly wouldn’t talk. That could lead to too many fireworks of the bad kind.
Does it matter to you if your significant other smokes? Yes, I won’t be with anyone who smokes no matter what, or how many, good qualities they may have.
Have you ever regretted letting someone go? Three times. Yes even though it wasn’t really my choice since he let me go, yes because we should have at least tried to make a go of it, and yes because I really didn’t realize how easily he could walk away. Sigh. . .
Where would you go if you were butt naked and locked out of your house? If my dreams are any indication I’d go to work where no one would notice. LOL
However, I tend to think that in real life I wouldn’t do that. I’d probably head down the street (passing by Gladys’ house) to N’s best friend’s house. His mom and I get along well, and I’m pretty sure she’d lend me a blanket to use as a cover up until I could get back into my house and get some clothes.
Do you want to please everyone? OMG yes. This is one of my biggest problems.
Have you ever been called heartless? Not that I recall, at least not in so many words. Although N called me a mean mom yesterday for making him sing in the children’s choir at church. That’s pretty close to being called heartless, no?
Someone calls you at 3:00 AM, who do you expect it to be? A wrong number, or my mom calling to tell me my dad or grandmother has died.
Does it matter if your significant other drinks? Not as long as he/she doesn’t overindulge too often. My definition of overindulging too often is either drinking alcohol every single day or drinking until drunk more than once or twice a month. Yes, I know that’s a pretty strict definition, but it works for me to keep me out of trouble, and I need the one I'm with to follow similar guidelines to keep me on the straight and narrow.
Could you go the rest of your life without doing drugs? Without my prescriptions taken as prescribed, no. Without recreational/illegal drugs, since that would be no change at all to me, yes without a doubt I could.
Which is better, amazing eyes or an amazing smile? Both are marvelous, the combination of both is even better. I don’t know. I can’t decide on one being better than the other.
Do you want to get married and have children one day? Umm, at this point I would have to say that I don’t see that in my future. In my past yes, but future no, although the get married again part would be more likely than the have more children part. However, the more experience I have with men in the real world the more I become convinced it isn’t smart to marry them.
Are you easy to get along with? In some ways I think I am, particularly since I’ll twist myself in knots trying to be what you want me to be. In some ways I think I rather frustrate those around me though by that very same thing and not being my honest to goodness self.
Do you ever want to go to sleep and not wake up? Almost every night. Oh wait. . . as in never ever wake up? Then no. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until I’m ready instead of when the alarm or the child wakes me up.
Are you shorter than your Mom? Heavens no, and if I was then I really might want to go to sleep and never wake up. At 5'7" I'm absolutely as short as I would ever want to be. Although I know many short women who are absolutely marvelous I have no idea how they cope with being short. It would drive me batty.
Describe your life currently in one word: Complicated
Are you on medication for anything? Yes, several things including depression, high blood pressure, allergies, asthma, and endometrial hyperplasia.
Who would you allow to read your thoughts for one day? As bizarre as this probably sounds, it would be BJ.
Are there things in your life that you will never be able to get over? I hope not. Otherwise attending therapy is a colossal waste of time and money.
If you woke up naked next to the last person you kissed, what would your reaction be? Terrified, because I’d be afraid that (1) I didn’t go back to work after lunch like I was supposed to, and (2) that M’s wife might walk in at any moment.
When is it hard to kiss someone? When I am repulsed by them.
You're trapped in a room with your most recent ex for three days, what do you do? Given that my most recent ex is BJ, I’d have to say have sex. Of course, that depends on whether or not he would be willing I suppose, but knowing him as I think I do I think he’d be willing. If he wasn’t willing, I suppose we’d have to watch sports or Law & Order on TV. We certainly wouldn’t talk. That could lead to too many fireworks of the bad kind.
Does it matter to you if your significant other smokes? Yes, I won’t be with anyone who smokes no matter what, or how many, good qualities they may have.
Have you ever regretted letting someone go? Three times. Yes even though it wasn’t really my choice since he let me go, yes because we should have at least tried to make a go of it, and yes because I really didn’t realize how easily he could walk away. Sigh. . .
Where would you go if you were butt naked and locked out of your house? If my dreams are any indication I’d go to work where no one would notice. LOL
However, I tend to think that in real life I wouldn’t do that. I’d probably head down the street (passing by Gladys’ house) to N’s best friend’s house. His mom and I get along well, and I’m pretty sure she’d lend me a blanket to use as a cover up until I could get back into my house and get some clothes.
Do you want to please everyone? OMG yes. This is one of my biggest problems.
Have you ever been called heartless? Not that I recall, at least not in so many words. Although N called me a mean mom yesterday for making him sing in the children’s choir at church. That’s pretty close to being called heartless, no?
Someone calls you at 3:00 AM, who do you expect it to be? A wrong number, or my mom calling to tell me my dad or grandmother has died.
Does it matter if your significant other drinks? Not as long as he/she doesn’t overindulge too often. My definition of overindulging too often is either drinking alcohol every single day or drinking until drunk more than once or twice a month. Yes, I know that’s a pretty strict definition, but it works for me to keep me out of trouble, and I need the one I'm with to follow similar guidelines to keep me on the straight and narrow.
Could you go the rest of your life without doing drugs? Without my prescriptions taken as prescribed, no. Without recreational/illegal drugs, since that would be no change at all to me, yes without a doubt I could.
Which is better, amazing eyes or an amazing smile? Both are marvelous, the combination of both is even better. I don’t know. I can’t decide on one being better than the other.
Do you want to get married and have children one day? Umm, at this point I would have to say that I don’t see that in my future. In my past yes, but future no, although the get married again part would be more likely than the have more children part. However, the more experience I have with men in the real world the more I become convinced it isn’t smart to marry them.
Are you easy to get along with? In some ways I think I am, particularly since I’ll twist myself in knots trying to be what you want me to be. In some ways I think I rather frustrate those around me though by that very same thing and not being my honest to goodness self.
Do you ever want to go to sleep and not wake up? Almost every night. Oh wait. . . as in never ever wake up? Then no. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until I’m ready instead of when the alarm or the child wakes me up.
Are you shorter than your Mom? Heavens no, and if I was then I really might want to go to sleep and never wake up. At 5'7" I'm absolutely as short as I would ever want to be. Although I know many short women who are absolutely marvelous I have no idea how they cope with being short. It would drive me batty.
Describe your life currently in one word: Complicated
Are you on medication for anything? Yes, several things including depression, high blood pressure, allergies, asthma, and endometrial hyperplasia.
Who would you allow to read your thoughts for one day? As bizarre as this probably sounds, it would be BJ.
Are there things in your life that you will never be able to get over? I hope not. Otherwise attending therapy is a colossal waste of time and money.
If you woke up naked next to the last person you kissed, what would your reaction be? Terrified, because I’d be afraid that (1) I didn’t go back to work after lunch like I was supposed to, and (2) that M’s wife might walk in at any moment.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Just Another Do As I Say Not As I Do
After BJ and I split up and W moved back into the house, and I was starting to feel like I was going to lose myself if I wasn’t careful, I posted an ad on Craigslist seeking female companionship. I pretty much decided I was through with men for a while and would just as soon pursue a relationship with a woman if I could.
M was one of only a very small number who responded to the ad. M made no mention of gender when responding. I answered all who responded to the ad (well, except for the way too young college guy who wanted to convince me that he could show me the error of my ways in seeking a woman), but M was the only one where we got past the first couple of emails. M and I started texting. We were both playing coy. We were both being vague. We were both being somewhat challenging to the other. I started to suspect M was a man and called him on it. Eventually he admitted he was, but by then he had me drawn in. I am a sucker for banter with a hint of challenge thrown in. I was enjoying our sparring much too much to stop just due to gender (sign #38 of a true bisexual) and decided to see how it would play out.
It was clear as our conversation progressed that neither of us wanted the messiness of an emotional involvement. We both have marriages that we aren’t leaving – me because I feel an obligation to take care of W as long as he needs me, and M because he genuinely loves his wife even though she won’t have sex with him. We agreed that sex is a pretty basic need, and if you aren’t having that need fulfilled life is mighty difficult.
Being the nervous Nelly that I am (or maybe just realistically cautious) I really wanted to meet in a public place for the first time. He wanted to meet at his apartment. M explained that due to cataracts that until he has surgery he doesn’t generally go out by himself as he feels vulnerable being unable to see much. I debated on accepting this or believing it to be a ruse. I thought red flags and warning bells should be going off in my brain, and they were. Yet I also sensed something else in M, an openness that was hard to believe would be there if this was all a con or a lure into something else.
I went with my gut and decided to meet him at his apartment during my lunch hour. The advantage to this is that people would miss me fairly quickly if I did not return when I should. Also, I wrote a blog post that I scheduled to post 30 minutes after I should be back to my desk so that I could delete the post before it actually hit the blog unless something awful happened to me. In that post I outted myself, gave all my vital information (short of SSN), all the information I had at the time on M, and the request that anyone reading it immediately contact the local police. Obviously, the blog post was unneeded, and I deleted it once I got back to work. However, it made me feel better to know that there wouldn’t be a tremendously long time before someone would be on my trail if something went wrong.
Although I’m not exactly sure why, I left my purse at work along with all my identification, money, credit cards, etc. I think it was in case the whole thing was a set up to rob me. I did take my cell phone with me thinking it might be handy in case a 911 call was needed. I’m really not quite sure, given how nervous I was about the whole thing, why I went ahead and went to meet M. Sometimes it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me that I struggle to strike up a conversation with coworkers yet I can go meet a man I know nothing about in a location about which I am unsure of the safety and have much more than conversation. (Believe me, I would never suggest to anyone else that they should act that way. As a matter of fact, I’d probably be the first in line to warn them against such dangerous behavior. For goodness sake don’t ever agree to meet someone for the first time in an unfamiliar apartment of their choosing. Just because it worked out for me this time do not extrapolate that to think that you should do the same. Just don’t. Exhibit a bit more common sense and self control than I have. Please.)
When I got to his apartment M opened the door and invited me inside. I hesitated long enough to scan both M and what I could see of the apartment – small (both M and the apartment), neat and tidy. I decided that I could take M if necessary due to his stature – a little shorter than me and probably less than half my weight, skinny doesn’t even begin to describe M – so I walked into the apartment. It didn’t take long for M to put me at ease, and a FWB relationship was born.
At this point I feel that M has every bit as much to lose, if not more, than I do if things would go wrong somehow. After all, I know his address while he doesn’t know mine. He stands to lose much more than I would if we were caught. I mean, what’s W going to do? Threaten to leave me? Go ahead. M, on the other hand, really doesn’t want to lose his wife. I suppose the biggest danger to me is if M’s wife were to ever catch us. While I acknowledge that as a possibility M assures me that she never ever comes home from work in the middle of the day.
M was one of only a very small number who responded to the ad. M made no mention of gender when responding. I answered all who responded to the ad (well, except for the way too young college guy who wanted to convince me that he could show me the error of my ways in seeking a woman), but M was the only one where we got past the first couple of emails. M and I started texting. We were both playing coy. We were both being vague. We were both being somewhat challenging to the other. I started to suspect M was a man and called him on it. Eventually he admitted he was, but by then he had me drawn in. I am a sucker for banter with a hint of challenge thrown in. I was enjoying our sparring much too much to stop just due to gender (sign #38 of a true bisexual) and decided to see how it would play out.
It was clear as our conversation progressed that neither of us wanted the messiness of an emotional involvement. We both have marriages that we aren’t leaving – me because I feel an obligation to take care of W as long as he needs me, and M because he genuinely loves his wife even though she won’t have sex with him. We agreed that sex is a pretty basic need, and if you aren’t having that need fulfilled life is mighty difficult.
Being the nervous Nelly that I am (or maybe just realistically cautious) I really wanted to meet in a public place for the first time. He wanted to meet at his apartment. M explained that due to cataracts that until he has surgery he doesn’t generally go out by himself as he feels vulnerable being unable to see much. I debated on accepting this or believing it to be a ruse. I thought red flags and warning bells should be going off in my brain, and they were. Yet I also sensed something else in M, an openness that was hard to believe would be there if this was all a con or a lure into something else.
I went with my gut and decided to meet him at his apartment during my lunch hour. The advantage to this is that people would miss me fairly quickly if I did not return when I should. Also, I wrote a blog post that I scheduled to post 30 minutes after I should be back to my desk so that I could delete the post before it actually hit the blog unless something awful happened to me. In that post I outted myself, gave all my vital information (short of SSN), all the information I had at the time on M, and the request that anyone reading it immediately contact the local police. Obviously, the blog post was unneeded, and I deleted it once I got back to work. However, it made me feel better to know that there wouldn’t be a tremendously long time before someone would be on my trail if something went wrong.
Although I’m not exactly sure why, I left my purse at work along with all my identification, money, credit cards, etc. I think it was in case the whole thing was a set up to rob me. I did take my cell phone with me thinking it might be handy in case a 911 call was needed. I’m really not quite sure, given how nervous I was about the whole thing, why I went ahead and went to meet M. Sometimes it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me that I struggle to strike up a conversation with coworkers yet I can go meet a man I know nothing about in a location about which I am unsure of the safety and have much more than conversation. (Believe me, I would never suggest to anyone else that they should act that way. As a matter of fact, I’d probably be the first in line to warn them against such dangerous behavior. For goodness sake don’t ever agree to meet someone for the first time in an unfamiliar apartment of their choosing. Just because it worked out for me this time do not extrapolate that to think that you should do the same. Just don’t. Exhibit a bit more common sense and self control than I have. Please.)
When I got to his apartment M opened the door and invited me inside. I hesitated long enough to scan both M and what I could see of the apartment – small (both M and the apartment), neat and tidy. I decided that I could take M if necessary due to his stature – a little shorter than me and probably less than half my weight, skinny doesn’t even begin to describe M – so I walked into the apartment. It didn’t take long for M to put me at ease, and a FWB relationship was born.
At this point I feel that M has every bit as much to lose, if not more, than I do if things would go wrong somehow. After all, I know his address while he doesn’t know mine. He stands to lose much more than I would if we were caught. I mean, what’s W going to do? Threaten to leave me? Go ahead. M, on the other hand, really doesn’t want to lose his wife. I suppose the biggest danger to me is if M’s wife were to ever catch us. While I acknowledge that as a possibility M assures me that she never ever comes home from work in the middle of the day.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Step Away from the Social Networking Sites
Top two reasons I should have stayed off of Facebook this weekend:
Question: Do I intend to get on Facebook again soon?
Answer: Absolutely not.
Question: Why don’t I just avoid checking the pages of people whose updates are liable to upset me?
Answer: Lack of will power. I can’t resist trying to check on people who matter to me (even if I don’t matter to them or maybe particularly if I don’t matter to them).
Question: Why do I let these things get to me when clearly these weren’t the right men for me anyway?
Answer: I DON’T KNOW!!!!! Alright? I don’t know. I know it’s stupid. I know I should shift my focus elsewhere. I know, and I know, and I know. But I don’t know why these things get to me so badly. I just don’t know.
And now? I would just like to go lock myself in my room for the rest of the day, have a good cry and maybe take a really long nap. . . if only I didn’t have to be at work trying to focus on reports that must be created this week whether or not I feel up to the task.
- Seeing a picture of J and his wife at their wedding reception where she is beautiful and all smiles and he looks like a condemned man which I found to be an interesting choice of pictures to post on his page. (Also, an all white tux? Really J? *cringe*)
- Seeing that BJ has changed his status back to “in a relationship.”
Question: Why do I want to torture myself that way?
Answer: I don’t.Answer: Absolutely not.
Answer: Lack of will power. I can’t resist trying to check on people who matter to me (even if I don’t matter to them or maybe particularly if I don’t matter to them).
Answer: I DON’T KNOW!!!!! Alright? I don’t know. I know it’s stupid. I know I should shift my focus elsewhere. I know, and I know, and I know. But I don’t know why these things get to me so badly. I just don’t know.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
PMS Is Not the Only Reason to be Grumpy
Spent time with J on Saturday. I was suffering a bout of PMS (knew I was close to starting. . . hoped it would hold off. . . and it did. . . until yesterday. . . when it arrived in full force with all its glory. . . where's my chocolate?) which is probably why I was not so happy about how things went.
My biggest reaction to the entire four hours we spent together is this:
And yet, there I am, sharing the cost of a room, patiently listening, trying to find a way to somehow get a little fulfillment for myself from all of this. I even asked him to stay longer. I don’t know, maybe hope springs eternal that if we were around each other long enough he’d listen to me too, perhaps even ask how I’m doing.
But let’s be realistic here. That isn’t going to happen. He’s so wrapped up in himself, in his own needs, in his own life, that I’m nothing but a warm place to put it occasionally.
Maybe PMS has very little to do with why I wasn’t so happy with how things went. Maybe I was unhappy because the whole thing sucked. It was all about him and not at all about me, or us. He’s a selfish bastard, and I deserve so much better. Why does he have to prove that repeatedly? Why can’t I just get the message and move on? Sigh. . . so much personal growth is still needed here.
Also, the last couple of times with J before this one seemed so much better to me. I think it was because I was using J for revenge sex. I was being utterly defiant of BJ and our relationship by going behind his back and screwing someone else, getting revenge for hurts BJ had caused me. Now, without that as motivation there’s just nothing there for me when J and I get together, because the sex isn’t good, the company isn’t good; there’s just not one good reason to ever do this again.
Hmm, yeah, wonder how long this resolve will hold out. . .
My biggest reaction to the entire four hours we spent together is this:
Will the man never shut up?!?!?
Could I maybe get a word in edgewise somewhere? Must every moment be filled with words? Must everything he tells me have to be about his first ex-wife and how she’s not letting him see his kids enough, or T and how she’s still managing to mess up his life, or his current wife and how annoying she is? Worse yet, is when he starts in on the whole evangelistic sharing. Dude, you’re lying naked next to someone not your wife. Preaching straight-laced Christian fundamentalism seems somehow dissonant at that point.And yet, there I am, sharing the cost of a room, patiently listening, trying to find a way to somehow get a little fulfillment for myself from all of this. I even asked him to stay longer. I don’t know, maybe hope springs eternal that if we were around each other long enough he’d listen to me too, perhaps even ask how I’m doing.
But let’s be realistic here. That isn’t going to happen. He’s so wrapped up in himself, in his own needs, in his own life, that I’m nothing but a warm place to put it occasionally.
Maybe PMS has very little to do with why I wasn’t so happy with how things went. Maybe I was unhappy because the whole thing sucked. It was all about him and not at all about me, or us. He’s a selfish bastard, and I deserve so much better. Why does he have to prove that repeatedly? Why can’t I just get the message and move on? Sigh. . . so much personal growth is still needed here.
Also, the last couple of times with J before this one seemed so much better to me. I think it was because I was using J for revenge sex. I was being utterly defiant of BJ and our relationship by going behind his back and screwing someone else, getting revenge for hurts BJ had caused me. Now, without that as motivation there’s just nothing there for me when J and I get together, because the sex isn’t good, the company isn’t good; there’s just not one good reason to ever do this again.
Hmm, yeah, wonder how long this resolve will hold out. . .
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday Therapy: Opaque as Cellophane Tape
The other day N says to me out of the blue, “You miss BJ, don’t you?” Good lord, I thought, where did that come from?
Trying not to look too surprised I got all clever and said, “Huh?” followed by “Whadya mean?” (Yeah, cause I totally rock at the quick answer. Totally.)
N said (and sometimes I must say he amazes me with his 11-year-old insight into things), “You’re just with Dad because he needs someone to take care of him aren’t you? But you really want to be with BJ.”
Well, that stopped me dead in my tracks. Here I’ve been telling myself I’m playing the role without too much trouble, at least for appearances’ sake, and yet my son saw right through me. I wanted to ask what gave me away. I wanted to know what I hadn’t done quite right. I wanted to “fix it up” so nobody else would catch on to the act. But I didn’t. He’s my son. He’s a kid. He deserves to be a kid without the worries of how his parents’ relationship is doing.
So I covered. . . the best I could. . . the best I knew how at the time. . .
I said, “When people get married it is a very serious commitment, one that people shouldn’t take lightly. I am living up to my commitment to your dad, and I will be taking care of him for the rest of his life. It’s what I promised to do when I married him. Don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep.” The words sounded hollow to me, and I wondered if they sounded hollow to N.
I’m not sure I gave him the best answer. I’m not sure what I should have said. And this, ladies and gentlemen, will be my #1 topic for next Tuesday’s session with my counselor – how do I talk with N and model behavior for N that is helpful and not hurtful to N? What is okay to say and not okay to say? How do I navigate these shark-infested waters without losing an arm or a leg, or worse yet causing N to do so?
And what do I say when N says, again, “I sure miss BJ” without having tears roll down my cheeks as I think “Me too”?
Trying not to look too surprised I got all clever and said, “Huh?” followed by “Whadya mean?” (Yeah, cause I totally rock at the quick answer. Totally.)
N said (and sometimes I must say he amazes me with his 11-year-old insight into things), “You’re just with Dad because he needs someone to take care of him aren’t you? But you really want to be with BJ.”
Well, that stopped me dead in my tracks. Here I’ve been telling myself I’m playing the role without too much trouble, at least for appearances’ sake, and yet my son saw right through me. I wanted to ask what gave me away. I wanted to know what I hadn’t done quite right. I wanted to “fix it up” so nobody else would catch on to the act. But I didn’t. He’s my son. He’s a kid. He deserves to be a kid without the worries of how his parents’ relationship is doing.
So I covered. . . the best I could. . . the best I knew how at the time. . .
I said, “When people get married it is a very serious commitment, one that people shouldn’t take lightly. I am living up to my commitment to your dad, and I will be taking care of him for the rest of his life. It’s what I promised to do when I married him. Don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep.” The words sounded hollow to me, and I wondered if they sounded hollow to N.
I’m not sure I gave him the best answer. I’m not sure what I should have said. And this, ladies and gentlemen, will be my #1 topic for next Tuesday’s session with my counselor – how do I talk with N and model behavior for N that is helpful and not hurtful to N? What is okay to say and not okay to say? How do I navigate these shark-infested waters without losing an arm or a leg, or worse yet causing N to do so?
And what do I say when N says, again, “I sure miss BJ” without having tears roll down my cheeks as I think “Me too”?
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday Stealing: The ABC's of Meme
I’m pretty sure I’ve done an ABCs meme before, but this one has several items that look new to me so I’m plunging right on in here. See if you learn anything new about me.
A- Advocate for: adequate healthcare for all
B- Best Feature: Well, I just said nose last week to a similar question but that was a question specifically about physical features. This question is more open that that so I’ll say my “live and let live” attitude that I have more often than not (though there are some notable exceptions).
C- Could do without: W
D- Dreams and desires: A man who would take care of me for a change instead of me always having to take care of the man.
E- Essential items: God's love and forgiveness, Illini loyalty, peace of mind, sense of security, and always a government issued photo ID
F- Favorite past time: playing piano
G- Good at: blowjobs (I know, that was gross and tacky and not what you wanted to read. Nevertheless, I have had a lot of compliments and been told that I’m good at them. So there it is.)
H- Have never tried: Skiing, either water or snow
I- If I had a million dollars: I would pay off my mortgage, put W in an assisted living facility, donate to charity, invest the rest, quit my job, get a part-time low stress job, and volunteer a lot at N’s school.
J- Junkie for: Chocolate
K- Kindred spirit: Each of the following in one way or another: J, BJ, Drama, JeniAngel, Val.
L- Little known fact: This is a tough question only because I’ve revealed so much on my blog that are little known facts IRL so chances are whatever I reveal now you may have read before. Hmm. . . okay, I’m pretty sure this one is truly little known: I still have the shirt I bought for BJ’s Halloween costume last year in the same bag from when I bought it. We ended up not going to the Halloween party we were to attend because I was sick. I didn’t know what to do with the shirt and always kind of thought I’d just give it to him sometime, but I never did so there it sits, in its bag, unworn and unloved.
M- Memorable moment: Attending parent child Illini basketball camp with N a few years ago and getting to talk to Dee Brown in person. OMG, there is no one on earth more personable or likable than Dee Brown.
N- Never again will I: give my heart to any man without knowing for sure that he is capable and willing to give his heart to me.
O- Occasional indulgence: sex with inappropriate people
P- Profession: Certified Pain in the Ass, bean counter and number cruncher.
Q- Quote: Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives. -- Marilyn Monroe (I'm not saying I agree with this quote but just that I found it interesting and particularly interesting given who said it.)
R- Reason to smile: lunchtime with M today
S- Sorry about: ever believing in BJ
T- Things you are worrying about right now: an undone and overdue work assignment, W’s health (congestive heart failure is acting up again without an obvious cause), personal finances
U- Uninterested in: being someone I’m not just to please someone else
V- Very scared of: independence (also spiders)
W- Worst habits: picking nose, biting fingernails, twirling hair around my finger
Y- Yummiest dessert: Hot fudge brownie sundae
X- X marks my ideal vacation spot: San Juan, Puerto Rico
Z- Zodiac sign: Taurus, the bull, stubborn, slow to anger, but really nasty once angered. Yep, that’s me!
A- Advocate for: adequate healthcare for all
B- Best Feature: Well, I just said nose last week to a similar question but that was a question specifically about physical features. This question is more open that that so I’ll say my “live and let live” attitude that I have more often than not (though there are some notable exceptions).
C- Could do without: W
D- Dreams and desires: A man who would take care of me for a change instead of me always having to take care of the man.
E- Essential items: God's love and forgiveness, Illini loyalty, peace of mind, sense of security, and always a government issued photo ID
F- Favorite past time: playing piano
G- Good at: blowjobs (I know, that was gross and tacky and not what you wanted to read. Nevertheless, I have had a lot of compliments and been told that I’m good at them. So there it is.)
H- Have never tried: Skiing, either water or snow
I- If I had a million dollars: I would pay off my mortgage, put W in an assisted living facility, donate to charity, invest the rest, quit my job, get a part-time low stress job, and volunteer a lot at N’s school.
J- Junkie for: Chocolate
K- Kindred spirit: Each of the following in one way or another: J, BJ, Drama, JeniAngel, Val.
L- Little known fact: This is a tough question only because I’ve revealed so much on my blog that are little known facts IRL so chances are whatever I reveal now you may have read before. Hmm. . . okay, I’m pretty sure this one is truly little known: I still have the shirt I bought for BJ’s Halloween costume last year in the same bag from when I bought it. We ended up not going to the Halloween party we were to attend because I was sick. I didn’t know what to do with the shirt and always kind of thought I’d just give it to him sometime, but I never did so there it sits, in its bag, unworn and unloved.
M- Memorable moment: Attending parent child Illini basketball camp with N a few years ago and getting to talk to Dee Brown in person. OMG, there is no one on earth more personable or likable than Dee Brown.
N- Never again will I: give my heart to any man without knowing for sure that he is capable and willing to give his heart to me.
O- Occasional indulgence: sex with inappropriate people
P- Profession: Certified Pain in the Ass, bean counter and number cruncher.
Q- Quote: Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives. -- Marilyn Monroe (I'm not saying I agree with this quote but just that I found it interesting and particularly interesting given who said it.)
R- Reason to smile: lunchtime with M today
S- Sorry about: ever believing in BJ
T- Things you are worrying about right now: an undone and overdue work assignment, W’s health (congestive heart failure is acting up again without an obvious cause), personal finances
U- Uninterested in: being someone I’m not just to please someone else
V- Very scared of: independence (also spiders)
W- Worst habits: picking nose, biting fingernails, twirling hair around my finger
Y- Yummiest dessert: Hot fudge brownie sundae
X- X marks my ideal vacation spot: San Juan, Puerto Rico
Z- Zodiac sign: Taurus, the bull, stubborn, slow to anger, but really nasty once angered. Yep, that’s me!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Thursday Therapy: Longings
No therapy this past Tuesday even though it would have normally been scheduled then. No, due to scheduling conflicts we are shifting a week and will resume every other Tuesday at lunchtime next Tuesday.
At first I was a bit distressed at going three weeks instead of two between my last session and my next one. It seemed we really started to dig down into the vilest ugliest places of my psyche at the last session, and I was eager to continue. I do want to get better no matter how it may seem to the outsider.
However, in its infinite wisdom the universe gave me an extra week to mull things over, and fight off a nasty virus, and get over not getting the coveted workplace promotion that three of us vied for but only one could have. Yes, there has been plenty going on and not nearly enough time to digest it and process it and put it all in proper perspective.
And then there was last weekend. Sigh. . . It seemed I’d been moving on fairly well without thinking much about BJ, or at least not dwelling on him, and then for whatever reason, maybe too much time on my hands, last weekend I missed him. It was the first time in a while that I really yearned for him, and I couldn’t seem to shake it. That feeling clung to me like a cobweb clings to your hair long after you’re over the initial shock of walking into it. No matter how I tried distracting myself the thoughts, the feelings, the temptation to give him a call, stayed right there with me all weekend.
Fortunately, the work week rolled around and work managed to occupy my thoughts. Plus M and I were able to spend lunchtime together on Monday, and that was very nice. It looks like M and I are going to develop a once or twice a week lunchtime thing. M’s a really nice guy, probably not the type of person I would normally hang around with, but that just makes it that much nicer of a friendship. We come from two completely different worlds and have very different outlooks on many things, but we enjoy each other’s company and enjoy our conversations as well as the benefits that inure with an FWB relationship. It’s as much F as it is B, and that’s important to me. It seems to be to M also.
In some ways, my relationship with M helps me to define myself to myself as autonomous from W even if W is living in my house. I continue to operate, in large part, as a single woman. It’s just that now instead of having one person to care for, N, I have two, N and W. W is by far the more difficult of the two even with N’s preteen fits of independence. Where N hears and understands my boundaries and at least as the decency to feel somewhat guilty when crossing them, W is clueless. He either doesn’t hear, doesn’t understand or doesn’t care what my boundaries are. He is the same old W. He will agree to whatever I ask and then completely ignore my request and do things the way he wanted in the first place. Same old shit. Round and round we go.
So what does any of this have to do with therapy and me getting better and working through my issues and coming out a better person on the other side? Isn’t that what these Thursday Therapy posts are supposed to be about?
Well, let’s see. I am coming around to understanding some of the dynamics of what I do and why. I am starting to see a little bit what purpose certain actions serve for me. That’s really an essential understanding if I am ever going to change because no matter how many times I try through sheer will power to avoid certain behaviors I fail. I fail because there are unmet needs within me and until I find out what those needs are and healthy ways of meeting those needs I don’t stand a chance of making long lasting changes. I can lump a lot of behaviors together in the category of Thing TS Does to Try to Meet Needs She Can’t or Won’t Acknowledge. Overeating is right in there. So is lying. Oh, and here’s having sex with inappropriate people. Yes, there are a number of behaviors that I see more and more clearly have a common root. I haven’t quite just yet ferreted out those unmet needs and even once I do I’m sure it will take some time to come around to finding, accepting, and utilizing more healthy alternatives in order to meet those needs.
I’m fairly certain the need to be accepted as I am is one of those unmet needs, and I’m pretty sure that I am the one who is going to have to accept myself as I am before anyone else can be expected to do so.
At first I was a bit distressed at going three weeks instead of two between my last session and my next one. It seemed we really started to dig down into the vilest ugliest places of my psyche at the last session, and I was eager to continue. I do want to get better no matter how it may seem to the outsider.
However, in its infinite wisdom the universe gave me an extra week to mull things over, and fight off a nasty virus, and get over not getting the coveted workplace promotion that three of us vied for but only one could have. Yes, there has been plenty going on and not nearly enough time to digest it and process it and put it all in proper perspective.
And then there was last weekend. Sigh. . . It seemed I’d been moving on fairly well without thinking much about BJ, or at least not dwelling on him, and then for whatever reason, maybe too much time on my hands, last weekend I missed him. It was the first time in a while that I really yearned for him, and I couldn’t seem to shake it. That feeling clung to me like a cobweb clings to your hair long after you’re over the initial shock of walking into it. No matter how I tried distracting myself the thoughts, the feelings, the temptation to give him a call, stayed right there with me all weekend.
Fortunately, the work week rolled around and work managed to occupy my thoughts. Plus M and I were able to spend lunchtime together on Monday, and that was very nice. It looks like M and I are going to develop a once or twice a week lunchtime thing. M’s a really nice guy, probably not the type of person I would normally hang around with, but that just makes it that much nicer of a friendship. We come from two completely different worlds and have very different outlooks on many things, but we enjoy each other’s company and enjoy our conversations as well as the benefits that inure with an FWB relationship. It’s as much F as it is B, and that’s important to me. It seems to be to M also.
In some ways, my relationship with M helps me to define myself to myself as autonomous from W even if W is living in my house. I continue to operate, in large part, as a single woman. It’s just that now instead of having one person to care for, N, I have two, N and W. W is by far the more difficult of the two even with N’s preteen fits of independence. Where N hears and understands my boundaries and at least as the decency to feel somewhat guilty when crossing them, W is clueless. He either doesn’t hear, doesn’t understand or doesn’t care what my boundaries are. He is the same old W. He will agree to whatever I ask and then completely ignore my request and do things the way he wanted in the first place. Same old shit. Round and round we go.
So what does any of this have to do with therapy and me getting better and working through my issues and coming out a better person on the other side? Isn’t that what these Thursday Therapy posts are supposed to be about?
Well, let’s see. I am coming around to understanding some of the dynamics of what I do and why. I am starting to see a little bit what purpose certain actions serve for me. That’s really an essential understanding if I am ever going to change because no matter how many times I try through sheer will power to avoid certain behaviors I fail. I fail because there are unmet needs within me and until I find out what those needs are and healthy ways of meeting those needs I don’t stand a chance of making long lasting changes. I can lump a lot of behaviors together in the category of Thing TS Does to Try to Meet Needs She Can’t or Won’t Acknowledge. Overeating is right in there. So is lying. Oh, and here’s having sex with inappropriate people. Yes, there are a number of behaviors that I see more and more clearly have a common root. I haven’t quite just yet ferreted out those unmet needs and even once I do I’m sure it will take some time to come around to finding, accepting, and utilizing more healthy alternatives in order to meet those needs.
I’m fairly certain the need to be accepted as I am is one of those unmet needs, and I’m pretty sure that I am the one who is going to have to accept myself as I am before anyone else can be expected to do so.
Friday, October 09, 2009
Niggling Details
After W moved out and when things seemed good with BJ I went and changed all my emergency contact information from W to BJ. I didn’t want W to be the first notified if something horrible happened to me at work, for instance, and HR looked up my emergency contact information. I wanted BJ to know.
It just dawned on me this morning that I guess I now need to go back and change all that emergency contact information. BJ is no longer the correct person to notify. I don’t think he would even want to know anything about what’s happening with me. However, as much as it might be the proper thing to do, I don’t want W to be my emergency contact either.
I guess I’ll go with my parents. I can’t think of anyone else.
Oh, and the plague I’ve been suffering from this week? Well, it’s getting better if by better you mean that I periodically cough up great gobs of green goo but otherwise feel my energy returning slowly bit by bit. Yeah, I think I’ll count that as better.
It just dawned on me this morning that I guess I now need to go back and change all that emergency contact information. BJ is no longer the correct person to notify. I don’t think he would even want to know anything about what’s happening with me. However, as much as it might be the proper thing to do, I don’t want W to be my emergency contact either.
I guess I’ll go with my parents. I can’t think of anyone else.
Oh, and the plague I’ve been suffering from this week? Well, it’s getting better if by better you mean that I periodically cough up great gobs of green goo but otherwise feel my energy returning slowly bit by bit. Yeah, I think I’ll count that as better.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Final Words on Infidelity --- For Now
No woman can steal your man unless your man allows it to happen. To that end I have never and would never place blame on any woman for my husband or boyfriend straying. I put the blame squarely on his shoulders. Yes I accept blame for my actions: cheating, treating my man in such a way as to encourage him to cheat (e.g. refusing to compromise, ignoring him, etc.). I don’t, however, accept blame on myself for another man’s decision to cheat. It is his decision and his responsibility. My refusal to sleep with him will not cause him to remain faithful to his wife but simply to find someone else who is willing to sleep with him.
In other words, talk to me all you want about how my actions are wrong. I agree! They are. I’ve said so and will continue to say so and will continue to work on bringing my actions in line with my beliefs. I know that there is some need being filled by my behavior, and that it is imperative to ferret out what that need is and to find more wholesome and healthy ways of meeting that need in order to get me back on the right track.
What I take umbrage with is the notion that somehow it is on my shoulders to not only work on myself to make myself better but also to somehow work on making the world better. Sorry. Not gonna happen here. I’m struggling enough to make myself better. I’m in therapy and am for the first time probably ever, diligently working on making myself better rather than trying to find justification for myself. My focus is on me, making myself better, changing my own behaviors because of what they will do to make me a better person. I’m so very sorry (oops, was that a bit of sarcasm slipping in there?) that I can’t be bothered to go out and be a great example to the world for better marriages everywhere. Sheesh! Maybe someday, in a healthier place, that might be a goal (although I doubt it because honestly I would rather see the end of people going without necessary medical care or enough food to eat than the end of people having affairs and would rather focus my attentions there, not just through voting but through actions such as working with local groups to improve access to health care for all and to donate to and work for local food pantries), but for now I have to just work on me.
If I am having sex outside of a committed relationship (and I am) then I am doing wrong, and I need to work on myself to bring my behavior into line with what is right.
If someone else is having sex outside of a committed relationship then I feel it is my place only to help them stop if they want me to help them stop. I can give them my opinion, that it is wrong to be doing it, but I will not now nor ever try to actively prevent them from infidelity. It is their choice, one they have every right to make for themselves as long as they understand the risks and possible consequences of their actions.
I place no blame whatsoever on J for my infidelity. I’m a big girl. I make my decisions. If J refused to have sex with me would that make me more faithful? Absolutely not. If one is going to cheat they are going to cheat and will find someone willing to participate.
I just draw the line differently than most of you seem to, and that’s okay. I draw the line differently on a lot of things than mainstream society does. Not once have I ever said that I think I’m doing the right or good thing by having sex with J (or any other man not my husband), and I don’t. I don’t believe it was or is right or good for me to have sex with J or BJ or K or the new possible FWB in the picture. But it isn’t good because it isn’t good for me and isn’t good for my marriage. As far as whether it is right or good for J, BJ, K, the new FWB, well that’s their deal, not mine. They need to deal with their own issues with that, and let me deal with my issues. (BTW yes it is a dog eat dog world, so quit wearing milk bone underwear.)
The way I hear our difference is that I don’t expect any of you or anybody else to help make me be a faithful spouse. I don’t expect any of you or anybody else but my spouse to help make my spouse be a faithful spouse. In the same way, if you expect me to help you keep you or your spouse faithful you are looking in the wrong direction. Only you and your spouse can do that. And c’mon, do you really want to be married to someone who is faithful only because they don’t have the chance to be unfaithful? As far as I’m concerned they are just as guilty whether or not the physical act occurs if the intention is there and would occur except for the lack of a willing partner. It isn’t the physical act that makes the cheater in my opinion. A player is a player whether he has anyone to play with or not.
Period. End of story. I’ve said over and over what I believe in as many ways as I can think to say it. If you don’t understand my point by now, then it is never going to get through to you, and I’m through talking about it here. . . at least until my next Thursday Therapy post where I’m sure it will be the topic since it will be the main topic discussed on Tuesday with Freud.
Until then, I’m off to another soccer tournament this weekend with N. (Yes two tournaments on back to back weekends, and yes I am very tired and will be glad when the weekend ends.) TTFN
In other words, talk to me all you want about how my actions are wrong. I agree! They are. I’ve said so and will continue to say so and will continue to work on bringing my actions in line with my beliefs. I know that there is some need being filled by my behavior, and that it is imperative to ferret out what that need is and to find more wholesome and healthy ways of meeting that need in order to get me back on the right track.
What I take umbrage with is the notion that somehow it is on my shoulders to not only work on myself to make myself better but also to somehow work on making the world better. Sorry. Not gonna happen here. I’m struggling enough to make myself better. I’m in therapy and am for the first time probably ever, diligently working on making myself better rather than trying to find justification for myself. My focus is on me, making myself better, changing my own behaviors because of what they will do to make me a better person. I’m so very sorry (oops, was that a bit of sarcasm slipping in there?) that I can’t be bothered to go out and be a great example to the world for better marriages everywhere. Sheesh! Maybe someday, in a healthier place, that might be a goal (although I doubt it because honestly I would rather see the end of people going without necessary medical care or enough food to eat than the end of people having affairs and would rather focus my attentions there, not just through voting but through actions such as working with local groups to improve access to health care for all and to donate to and work for local food pantries), but for now I have to just work on me.
If I am having sex outside of a committed relationship (and I am) then I am doing wrong, and I need to work on myself to bring my behavior into line with what is right.
If someone else is having sex outside of a committed relationship then I feel it is my place only to help them stop if they want me to help them stop. I can give them my opinion, that it is wrong to be doing it, but I will not now nor ever try to actively prevent them from infidelity. It is their choice, one they have every right to make for themselves as long as they understand the risks and possible consequences of their actions.
I place no blame whatsoever on J for my infidelity. I’m a big girl. I make my decisions. If J refused to have sex with me would that make me more faithful? Absolutely not. If one is going to cheat they are going to cheat and will find someone willing to participate.
I just draw the line differently than most of you seem to, and that’s okay. I draw the line differently on a lot of things than mainstream society does. Not once have I ever said that I think I’m doing the right or good thing by having sex with J (or any other man not my husband), and I don’t. I don’t believe it was or is right or good for me to have sex with J or BJ or K or the new possible FWB in the picture. But it isn’t good because it isn’t good for me and isn’t good for my marriage. As far as whether it is right or good for J, BJ, K, the new FWB, well that’s their deal, not mine. They need to deal with their own issues with that, and let me deal with my issues. (BTW yes it is a dog eat dog world, so quit wearing milk bone underwear.)
The way I hear our difference is that I don’t expect any of you or anybody else to help make me be a faithful spouse. I don’t expect any of you or anybody else but my spouse to help make my spouse be a faithful spouse. In the same way, if you expect me to help you keep you or your spouse faithful you are looking in the wrong direction. Only you and your spouse can do that. And c’mon, do you really want to be married to someone who is faithful only because they don’t have the chance to be unfaithful? As far as I’m concerned they are just as guilty whether or not the physical act occurs if the intention is there and would occur except for the lack of a willing partner. It isn’t the physical act that makes the cheater in my opinion. A player is a player whether he has anyone to play with or not.
Period. End of story. I’ve said over and over what I believe in as many ways as I can think to say it. If you don’t understand my point by now, then it is never going to get through to you, and I’m through talking about it here. . . at least until my next Thursday Therapy post where I’m sure it will be the topic since it will be the main topic discussed on Tuesday with Freud.
Until then, I’m off to another soccer tournament this weekend with N. (Yes two tournaments on back to back weekends, and yes I am very tired and will be glad when the weekend ends.) TTFN
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Thursday Therapy: Inolvement with Married Men
One of my readers, one whom I consider a friend, occasionally engages in email conversations with me when public commentary seems less than desirable for the conversation. Recently, regarding my post on Monday, this reader sent me a couple of emails that I thought were worthy of serving as the basis for this week’s Thursday Therapy session and after being granted permission to do so I share them here. I have not reproduced the entire emails below, but only the parts that addressed the pertinent issues. For ease of reading, and to keep from getting too confused as you go through this, my reader’s email comments will appear in blue while my writing will remain in the normal black. Hopefully, this will help you keep straight who is saying what.
"As far as J’s marriage is concerned, I feel that it is up to him as an adult to make his own choices." {Here, of course, the reader was quoting from my blog post}
I think, if you step back from that, just a bit, and take your own self off to one side of the question, you'll see what a dodge that is. Even if it is J's 3rd marriage, and he has clearly established his own, shall we say 'lack of punctilious respect' for the institution of marriage. Marriage doesn't just exist between the two spouses, to do with as they please; it is, in its essence, woven into the larger social fabric, and there is an implied mutual support between the marriage and the society. Marriages/families are the fundamental building blocks of a society/culture. When marriages and families are strong, the society is strong; when marriages and families fail, the society is in trouble. . . (OK, end of the sociology lecture. . .)
In my opinion, that is a simplistic way of looking at things. I think that J has, rather than a lack of respect for the institution of marriage, a habit of choosing unwisely whom to marry. I won’t begin to go through all the pathos behind that but just to point out that while marriage may well be a fundamental building block of a society, ill-conceived marriages make staying within them extremely difficult and, dare I suggest, not even truly plausible.
My point is, we owe each other, even if only as fellow-citizens (although there is certainly much more to it than just that), respect for each other's marriages. And if J doesn't respect his own marriage, you owe him the encouragement and exhortation to do so, not collaboration in undermining it.
Here I just flat out disagree. If J chooses not to respect his own marriage then there is something wrong within the marriage, whether it be J, his wife, or a combination of both of them. If he chooses to undermine his marriage that is his choice, not mine. I hold at least as much respect for his marriage as he does. I have turned down many more offers to be with him than I have accepted. I have tried to talk about putting his marriage first. He does not wish to do so. I am done trying to convince him. I suppose I could, and probably should, just walk away from him at that point, but I don’t. I bow to my weakness and give in to my own desires of wanting him. Yes, I hold myself responsible for my actions and what I do to undermine my own relationships but not to what J does to undermine his.
I'm frankly a little surprised and dismayed that someone who is as solicitous of her neighbors' well-being as you are (and I do sincerely respect that about you) would so seemingly casually wave off responsibility to honor and respect and support her friend's marriage.
Again I will just say that although it may appear through the blog that I have casually waved off responsibility I really have not. J and I have many conversations about the situation, and I do try to encourage him to do the right thing. The problem is that he tries to encourage me to do the wrong thing and is either more persuasive, or I’m more swayable, or both.
Plus, there's The Golden Rule, if nothing else. . . (as Kimba pointed out, you didn't much like it when it was done to you; altho not, I suppose, to your marriage. . .)
This is the part that I really want to address because it seems to me that many people have misunderstood my feelings or read into my feelings something that was not there or something. In any case, I really want to set the record straight on the whole BJ/Serenity issue. While I think that some see Serenity as the villain in that whole scenario I never did. I always saw BJ as the villain in that scenario. BJ was the one who betrayed me. BJ was the one who went behind my back. BJ was the one whom I always held responsible for his decision and his actions. Had BJ truly loved me he would not have been swayed by Serenity or any other woman. As it was, he was always ripe for the taking. There was not one day in our relationship when I could have honestly said that I trusted that he wouldn’t find someone else who, for whatever reason, was better. With regard to The Golden Rule, would I have wanted Serenity to act differently? Not really. She went after a man she wanted to pursue. That’s fine. I have no problem with that. There are two things I do have a problem with:
(1) The way BJ tried to blow me off with a “Goodbye Jane” email. I definitely think that showed cowardice and a lack of respect for The Golden Rule.
(2) The way that Serenity bashed me on her blog afterwards, particularly since I counted her as one of my internet friends. I would have been perfectly happy to stay friends with her, even had she and BJ stayed together, had she not turned on me and kicked me when I was down. I have wondered if perhaps she did that anticipating that I would be angry with her for stealing my man and went with the "a strong offense is the best defense" theory. I don't know. For that I struggled to forgive her, but for luring BJ away I have never held her responsible for that. BJ did that all on his own. BJ could have said “No” but he didn’t.
Every strong marriage strengthens my marriage, even if only by example - 'look, there's a strong marriage; this marriage stuff really is doable, and worth persevering for'. And conversely, every marriage that fails has an analogously deleterious effect - 'wow; X & Y broke up; maybe it IS better to just cut our losses, when it gets hard. . .' Of course, none of this is determinative; but every marriage has an effect on every other marriage, either encouraging or corrosive. And that touches on what I was saying about the 'social dimension' of marriage. . .
Here I agree that every marriage has an effect on every other marriage. Both the good and the bad marriages have an effect on every other marriage. J’s marriage is not a strong marriage, nor is it an example you would want to show your kids and say to them to follow his example. He married a woman because she needed rescuing. He is the classic save the damsel in distress guy. It is much more of a relationship where he takes care of her and her son because nobody else will than it is a strong marriage. He does not love her. I would hope that others would see his marriage and use it as a cautionary tale not as an example of what marriage should be. If anything, I think we need to encourage people before they marry to make really damned sure they are marrying someone who they really want to be with for a lifetime. It is way too easy to jump into a marriage without really understanding what you are getting into. I would hope that people seeing J’s marriages would look on that not as an endorsement for bolting when times get tough but for being more careful who they choose to marry in the first place.
To wrap things up I want to say that while I carry many burdens of guilt around with me one that I do not carry is one for not working harder to support J’s faithfulness to his marriage. That’s his deal, not mine. It is his choice to continue to step outside his marriage to get the intimacy that is lacking in his marriage. While I respect the opinions of others who see things differently, I must say that this is one issue on which we will just have to respectfully disagree.
Also, one last point of clarification, if I were to implement a “no married men” rule for myself it would be just that – for myself, for reasons of my own well being, and yes I will admit there are many good reasons in my own best interests not to be involved with married men (and something which I am working on in therapy with Freud). It would not be because I felt I owed it to society in general or fellow womankind to ride herd on married men and keep them from cheating. The men need to buck up and deal with that end of the issue.
"As far as J’s marriage is concerned, I feel that it is up to him as an adult to make his own choices." {Here, of course, the reader was quoting from my blog post}
I think, if you step back from that, just a bit, and take your own self off to one side of the question, you'll see what a dodge that is. Even if it is J's 3rd marriage, and he has clearly established his own, shall we say 'lack of punctilious respect' for the institution of marriage. Marriage doesn't just exist between the two spouses, to do with as they please; it is, in its essence, woven into the larger social fabric, and there is an implied mutual support between the marriage and the society. Marriages/families are the fundamental building blocks of a society/culture. When marriages and families are strong, the society is strong; when marriages and families fail, the society is in trouble. . . (OK, end of the sociology lecture. . .)
In my opinion, that is a simplistic way of looking at things. I think that J has, rather than a lack of respect for the institution of marriage, a habit of choosing unwisely whom to marry. I won’t begin to go through all the pathos behind that but just to point out that while marriage may well be a fundamental building block of a society, ill-conceived marriages make staying within them extremely difficult and, dare I suggest, not even truly plausible.
My point is, we owe each other, even if only as fellow-citizens (although there is certainly much more to it than just that), respect for each other's marriages. And if J doesn't respect his own marriage, you owe him the encouragement and exhortation to do so, not collaboration in undermining it.
Here I just flat out disagree. If J chooses not to respect his own marriage then there is something wrong within the marriage, whether it be J, his wife, or a combination of both of them. If he chooses to undermine his marriage that is his choice, not mine. I hold at least as much respect for his marriage as he does. I have turned down many more offers to be with him than I have accepted. I have tried to talk about putting his marriage first. He does not wish to do so. I am done trying to convince him. I suppose I could, and probably should, just walk away from him at that point, but I don’t. I bow to my weakness and give in to my own desires of wanting him. Yes, I hold myself responsible for my actions and what I do to undermine my own relationships but not to what J does to undermine his.
I'm frankly a little surprised and dismayed that someone who is as solicitous of her neighbors' well-being as you are (and I do sincerely respect that about you) would so seemingly casually wave off responsibility to honor and respect and support her friend's marriage.
Again I will just say that although it may appear through the blog that I have casually waved off responsibility I really have not. J and I have many conversations about the situation, and I do try to encourage him to do the right thing. The problem is that he tries to encourage me to do the wrong thing and is either more persuasive, or I’m more swayable, or both.
Plus, there's The Golden Rule, if nothing else. . . (as Kimba pointed out, you didn't much like it when it was done to you; altho not, I suppose, to your marriage. . .)
This is the part that I really want to address because it seems to me that many people have misunderstood my feelings or read into my feelings something that was not there or something. In any case, I really want to set the record straight on the whole BJ/Serenity issue. While I think that some see Serenity as the villain in that whole scenario I never did. I always saw BJ as the villain in that scenario. BJ was the one who betrayed me. BJ was the one who went behind my back. BJ was the one whom I always held responsible for his decision and his actions. Had BJ truly loved me he would not have been swayed by Serenity or any other woman. As it was, he was always ripe for the taking. There was not one day in our relationship when I could have honestly said that I trusted that he wouldn’t find someone else who, for whatever reason, was better. With regard to The Golden Rule, would I have wanted Serenity to act differently? Not really. She went after a man she wanted to pursue. That’s fine. I have no problem with that. There are two things I do have a problem with:
(1) The way BJ tried to blow me off with a “Goodbye Jane” email. I definitely think that showed cowardice and a lack of respect for The Golden Rule.
(2) The way that Serenity bashed me on her blog afterwards, particularly since I counted her as one of my internet friends. I would have been perfectly happy to stay friends with her, even had she and BJ stayed together, had she not turned on me and kicked me when I was down. I have wondered if perhaps she did that anticipating that I would be angry with her for stealing my man and went with the "a strong offense is the best defense" theory. I don't know. For that I struggled to forgive her, but for luring BJ away I have never held her responsible for that. BJ did that all on his own. BJ could have said “No” but he didn’t.
Every strong marriage strengthens my marriage, even if only by example - 'look, there's a strong marriage; this marriage stuff really is doable, and worth persevering for'. And conversely, every marriage that fails has an analogously deleterious effect - 'wow; X & Y broke up; maybe it IS better to just cut our losses, when it gets hard. . .' Of course, none of this is determinative; but every marriage has an effect on every other marriage, either encouraging or corrosive. And that touches on what I was saying about the 'social dimension' of marriage. . .
Here I agree that every marriage has an effect on every other marriage. Both the good and the bad marriages have an effect on every other marriage. J’s marriage is not a strong marriage, nor is it an example you would want to show your kids and say to them to follow his example. He married a woman because she needed rescuing. He is the classic save the damsel in distress guy. It is much more of a relationship where he takes care of her and her son because nobody else will than it is a strong marriage. He does not love her. I would hope that others would see his marriage and use it as a cautionary tale not as an example of what marriage should be. If anything, I think we need to encourage people before they marry to make really damned sure they are marrying someone who they really want to be with for a lifetime. It is way too easy to jump into a marriage without really understanding what you are getting into. I would hope that people seeing J’s marriages would look on that not as an endorsement for bolting when times get tough but for being more careful who they choose to marry in the first place.
To wrap things up I want to say that while I carry many burdens of guilt around with me one that I do not carry is one for not working harder to support J’s faithfulness to his marriage. That’s his deal, not mine. It is his choice to continue to step outside his marriage to get the intimacy that is lacking in his marriage. While I respect the opinions of others who see things differently, I must say that this is one issue on which we will just have to respectfully disagree.
Also, one last point of clarification, if I were to implement a “no married men” rule for myself it would be just that – for myself, for reasons of my own well being, and yes I will admit there are many good reasons in my own best interests not to be involved with married men (and something which I am working on in therapy with Freud). It would not be because I felt I owed it to society in general or fellow womankind to ride herd on married men and keep them from cheating. The men need to buck up and deal with that end of the issue.
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