Monday, September 21, 2009

Dissonance Between Beliefs and Actions

I want to address some of the comments I got on my last post when I talked about continuing to hook up with J. The questions raised are good ones, and I completely understand why people would be curious to understand what goes on in the mind of a person who cheats with a married person. That said, I will tell you that from my experience and conversations with others that there are many different reasons that people are willing to sleep with a married person and that not all people get the same thing from the situation. All I’m going to share here is my experience, my feelings, and my opinions of my particular situation and acknowledge that there are plenty other people and situations out there that are very different from mine.

First I want to share a bit of the particular time frame of what occurred. Then I’ll get more into the feelings, emotions, etc. around the occurrences. What I will not do is try to convince you that I’m right or justified in doing the things I’ve done/continue to do because I truly don’t feel that I’m right. I am more about trying to provide an understanding of where one woman (me) is coming from when choosing to be involved with a married man.

I got together with J both in mid-January and late May. In mid-January I felt pretty guilty about it – a little for having sex with another woman’s husband but mostly for cheating on BJ. I didn’t (and still don’t) like what it says about me as a person that I would go behind the back of the person to whom I am supposed to be faithful. I struggled mightily with that one and consequently it took a few months before I succumbed to temptation again in May.

In May, I felt less guilt about going behind BJ’s back because of his little STD scare. This was when I felt like I was getting a bit of revenge, even though I’m not real sure how it was revenge when BJ didn’t even know about it. Or maybe it was just a way of justifying my actions to myself. Anyway, May’s tryst evoked very little guilt in me, and I really enjoyed myself with J. My only regret that time was having less time together than we would have liked.

In order to understand my thinking on the matter it is probably helpful to understand my perspective on certain things. I find there is often dissonance between what I believe and what I do, perhaps because I let my emotions rule over my intellect. I often choose to do things that I know with every fiber of my being are destructive, and yet I continue to choose to do them. Now, at the point, if ever, that I figure out how to match my behavior to my beliefs I will be a much better person. Because honestly, I think it is wrong to have sex outside of a loving committed relationship. I think it is wrong to lie. I think it is wrong to cheat on a significant other with whom you’ve agreed to be faithful. Yet I have done each of these things that I believe to be wrong. Believing it is wrong has not, so far, been enough to change my choices.

As far as J’s marriage is concerned, I feel that it is up to him as an adult to make his own choices. I have not, since learning of his engagement to Wife 3, ever pursued him. As a matter of fact, I completely left him alone after that to the point of not knowing when, or even if, they got married until he contacted me asking to spend time together. I have never asked for us to get together. He does plenty of that. I turn him down much more than I agree to see him, for various reasons – mostly scheduling conflicts and the desire to live my life as I believe a good life should be lived. However, on that second issue I’m weak and occasionally give in to temptation. The whole BJ break up, W moving in, me feeling like I am again losing control of my life triggered me to accept J’s offer of a weekend in October, and I chose October 3 for two reasons: it is soon, and it is the day BJ and I should have been at a football game together. Twisted? Maybe, since I often lash out in ways that mean something to me yet would only be hurtful to the one(s) to whom I mean the lashing to be directed if they actually knew about it, which they don’t. And if you think BJ will now know about it through this blog I will tell you that he rarely read in detail anything on my blog when we were together (yet another blow to my fragile ego) and little to nothing when he suffered his period of Insanity two winters ago, and so I have no reason to believe he is reading it at all now. If he does, he does, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.
The whole secret rebelliousness thing is something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. I was the “good girl” growing up, at least that was my reputation with my parents. They thought I did no wrong. I knew better. I knew I was just sneaky and duplicitous. It worked for me. It worked for me too well apparently since I have continued to be that way through my entire life. I even struggle not to be that way here on my blog. I have committed to myself to sharing only my truth here on this blog, and sometimes I want to sugar coat things or make things sound not quite so bad as they are. I don’t do it though because I really want this blog to be a journal of my truths, even when they are ugly as sin.

It’s complicated yet simple really. I want what I want when I want it, and I pursue it to the fullest of my abilities. I lie, manipulate, twist things around, all the while playing the martyr. It is ugly. This blog helps me in recognizing the plank in my eye, and it helps keep me from pointing out specks in the eyes of others.

I hope this gives a little insight into this. Please don’t hesitate to ask more questions if you have any. It actually helps me to step back and really think about things for myself when prompted by your questions. I will never be offended by any question asked in sincerity looking for honest answers.


kimba said...

I am dipping in and out of the story here.. [you took W back.. wha?!]

Honey. My sincere and true advice is use the football game $$'s to hire a hooker - male or femme whatever you fancy.

Pamper yourself with someone who is there just for you - scratch your itch with someone unmarried [or at least who isn't deceptive]
You have as much future with a sex worker as you do with J.

Don't tell yourself that it is J's decision to make. Don't be passive about something so disrespectful [sorry - can't think of another word!] to his wife.

If she knew about it and was cool with it I'd be egging you on True. Deception is an awful painful and ugly thing. The revenge aspect you have mentioned.. is.. I believe.. self punishment.. it's an ugly feeling to have and it makes your heart hurt to feel revenge. Do something that will make you feel brilliant not something wrapped in pain.

Your arguments for getting together with J remind me a little of the protests of that nasty little deceiving bitch we both had a run in with. Choose to be a little more classy than her, hey?


Anonymous said...

I usually don't comment because when I read I understand that you are putting yourself out there and it's not for me to judge ever but especially when someone is being so brutally honest when most of us aren't.

But I have to say the one thing that seems clear to me is you have good sex with J. And you want to have guaranteed good sex on a date that is going to be very hard and hurtful for you. All the stuff about the wife and J and class and being the better person kind of leaves out that simple truth.

Oct 3rd was going to be hard and you found a way to make it less so. You want what you want when you want it, who doesn't? The only thing I see is you are admitting it candidly and a lot of us don't. I am sorry I can't really comment with a wagging finger.

The one thing I will say is you are right to bring this to Freud and talk about the self hate stuff. Because truly being a better person to me would be loving yourself more. Not worrying about how someone's wife would feel. Because I agree that's J's job not yours.