Ambling Rambling and Struggling

Eternal struggle, this whole identity, self-esteem, self-image, self-worth shit. Trying to balance my wants and needs and desires with filling the wants and needs and desires of others. Independence vs. codependence vs. total dependence. Wondering where to draw the line and where to bend, where to push and where to pull and where to just let go. Feeling unsettled, not quite unhappy but afraid that unhappiness is waiting in the wings. Wanting to hear messages I fear I will never hear. Trying to ignore the messages that don’t fit with what I want. Feeling comfort on one level and discomfort on another. Having that nagging gnawing feeling in the back of my brain that it isn’t going to be okay, that I’m selling myself short. Afraid to head in certain directions yet afraid not to. Running too much on fear and not enough on self-actualization. Focusing too much on self and not enough on God. Afraid to trust God’s leading because it very well may take me in a much different direction than my self (and selfishness) wants to go.

Wanting to feel like I matter, not because of how well I can serve others, but just because I am. Me. I want to matter. I want my wants, needs and desires to matter. I’m tired of being nobody. I want to be somebody. Somebody who counts. Somebody who matters.

Truth is that until I believe that I count, until I believe that I matter, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else believes or says or does. I need to be me. I need to believe in me. I need to stand up for me, and stop waiting for others to do for me. I need to find a way to be more dependent on me and less dependent on everyone else.