I'll Hang Around as Long as You Will Let Me

I had this post all written, but somehow Blogger ate it. So here's the recreated version, a mere shadow of the original.


This post is an attempt to make sense of my nonsense. As I wrote it the first time I came around to some insights into myself and my relationships with men. These insights are things that I know, and I know that I know these things, but occasionally I need something to hit me upside the head to remind me. Whack! That's what writing this post did for me. Then Blogger ate it, and to tell you the truth maybe that's a good thing. I think the way it was written could have caused me more problems than I need. Hopefully, I can word things better (like not calling myself a sleazy skanky whore) this go round.

What I've been thinking about, and trying to figure out, has to do with my reactions to three men -- W, J, and BJ. The last 2-3 weeks I've been a big pile of emotions, not all of which made me very proud of myself. I have reacted badly to things that all three of these men have said and/or done.

First, I struggled with W being with Q. I've said over and over that it's just all about N and what impact it has on him. Yes, and denial is more than a river in Egypt. Truth be told I felt like I lost W in a way that I hadn't before. Between Q moving in and me finding out about the financial crater W's dug for himself it became crystal clear to me that there is no possibility of turning back now. It is over -- for real and for good. Even though I've said for the longest time that's what I wanted, and I truly believe we are better without each other than with each other, there's this part of me that wanted, and wants, to still hang on to W and can't quite let go.

Second, I think I reacted to J's email like I did because on some level even though I know that when we're around each other a lot he drives me batty I still can't quite shake the "what could have been" thoughts, and I kind of like having him there for me (and it's been that way since my college days) when I want him there for me. Anyway, part of me was just plain ticked that he could move on and marry #3 rather than pine away for me.

Then the third thing is about BJ. I spent a good part of the last two weekends being peeved at BJ for little things, but mostly it all came down to his feline-like independence and aloofness running afoul of my puppy dog-like clinginess. I want more than anything for this man to want me, to want to spend time with me, to share in my life with me and to let me share in his life with him. Too much of the time I feel like there’s a bubble around him, an invisible barrier that I can’t penetrate. I want him to yearn for me the way I yearn for him, to have spending time with me be a priority for him like it is for me. Instead I get time with him when it suits him and his schedule. If we have a weekend available to us, he’ll spend time doing this and that and sundry things while I wait for him to be ready to spend time with me. I feel like I am forever waiting for it to be my turn to have his attention for a while. Is it a philosophy of “always leave them wanting more”? I don’t know, but I indeed do want more. I want to be his priority even sometimes. I want him to be willing to sacrifice sleeping in just every once in a while to do something that I want to do together. I want him to see me as being as important as a good night’s sleep, and right now I feel like I will never achieve that level of importance to him. I will never ever be anything but second to his desire to sleep late, and no matter how hard I try (and believe me I’ve tried and tried) I can’t seem to let go of the hurt I felt when he refused to come hear me preach at church simply because it was too early in the day for him. I will always be the one to compromise my schedule to fit his. This is my fear. Sometimes I wonder if it is his way of getting back at me for me having N as my number one priority.

Okay, so I put all of these things together along with one of the insights I'd had in my "Weight Weight Don't Tell Me" series of posts where I said "It seemed that nobody could ever give me enough comfort, enough love, enough reassurance to make me feel good about myself. It would be a long time before I would come to the understanding that I had to look inside myself for that, not out to the rest of the world, or the next unlucky guy that asked me out on a date." Here's what I get out of all of this: because I don't feel secure enough in my relationship with BJ I feel a need to grasp at the bits and pieces that other men are out there offering me no matter how little or how inadequate they are. I'm trying to somehow piece together a comfort level for myself, and it simply isn't working for me.

If I were a stronger person it would be easier to turn my back on W and on J, and put my energies only into my relationship with BJ knowing that if it didn't work out in the end that I'd be fine on my own. As it is, I don't feel that I'd be fine on my own so rather than risk ending up on my own if somehow things didn't work out with BJ I cling to whatever small pieces are available to me from others. Now, the ironic thing is that by my very act of clinging to those pieces I could very well push BJ away thereby bringing about the very thing that I'm trying to avoid.

And it all boils down to this -- I need to become more secure in myself, to trust that I can take care of myself and don't need to have a man there to shore me up. Only when I can do that am I going to be any good as a partner for anybody.