Friday, June 02, 2017

Sigh...

I leave here, but I always come back eventually.  This blog holds so much of who I was and who I still am in many ways.

My depression, the black hole, has darned near swallowed me the last few months.  While I don't want to kill myself, have never really wanted to kill myself, if I fell asleep one night and just never woke up? Well, that sounds mighty good right there.

W died 20 months ago.  Then last August my mom died... quite unexpectedly. As far as anyone knew she was in great health for an 80-year-old. But then one night she went to bed... and had a heart attack sometime during the night... and she was gone. Just like that.

And just like that, the depression hit. Well no. Not quite. The depression crept up on me until in November I said to Freud "I'm failing at life." That's how I felt then and ever since. So much fell apart after W died. Even more fell apart after Mom died.

Then FU decided he's the be all end all of everything, just like always, and after fighting it for a while I just let go and let him take over as the executor of Mom's estate.  Will I ever get anything at all out of the estate? No se nada. I don't know. I don't care, but in a way I do care very much. I'm not interested in the money other than it would help me send N to college. (He just graduated high school by the way. I'm a very proud mama.) I AM interested in a few items that are precious to me and have sent him a list outlining what those items are.

But I just can't seem to care too awfully much. The depression dampens so many of my feelings. Dr. K has increased my depression meds, but so far there isn't much change.  I see her again in a month to see if things are getting better, and if not, to discuss options of increasing or changing some meds.

But for now, here I sit, surrounded by blackness in a big black hole that is swallowing me day by day by day.

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