Sunday, June 29, 2008

Yeah, That's Me

Given the weekend I just had, this seemed like an appropriate quiz to take, and by golly, the results were pretty accurate too.

Your result for The What's your sexual style? Test...


You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, SUBMISSIVE lover who prefers to RECEIVE.

This means that:

You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring.

You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover.

You tend to be submissive in bed, so you prefer to go along with what your lover likes rather than your own plans. You might like being ordered around and acting out a slave/master fantasy, or perhaps you just get turned on by being helpless and unable to move. Or maybe it's as simple as you lacking courage so prefering firm instructions in bed to make sure you are doing things right. Either way, you won't be dominating your lover anytime soon, and might prefer the missionary position to any others.

You would rather Receive than Give. This usually applies more to Oral sex than anything else, and other types of foreplay. This could be for a number of reasons. Maybe you are just very hooked on the sensation of orgasm, maybe you feel you deserve to be treated like a god/goddess, maybe you just aren't confident about your skills when it comes to returning the favour. Maybe you are lazy. Or maybe your partner loves to give and that suits you fine, so everyone is happy. Either way, remember to be a giver sometimes too, as long as your partner likes it.

Being Blindfolded and even tied up with scarves, and letting your partner tease, tickle and delight you, in the most tempting way. You are confident and imaginative enough to not mind them doing all sorts of fun things to you, surprises and frustratingly out of your reach pleasure. Just like back and enjoy, and maybe you can return the favour, maybe not.

Take The What's your sexual style? Test at HelloQuizzy

And then I took this test and scored a ZERO, no kidding!

Your result for The Sexuality Spectrum Test...


You are evenly bisexual. You have no gender preference when it comes to sex. If you are sexually inexperienced, it is possible that this will change after you do some experimenting.

Take The Sexuality Spectrum Test at HelloQuizzy

Friday, June 27, 2008

Blog Swap!

In his never ending attempt to jump the shark, FTN is hosting a Blog Swap. Today, on various blogs you'll find guest posts from other bloggers. You'll be able to find my guest post over on A Rock Feels No Pain.

Here on Deepest Darkest Thoughts, it is my great pleasure to welcome Buttafly. Without further ado, here is her post.

Random Thoughts

So I am embarking on this new experience. Maybe this is a way to get to know different people. I seem to enjoy meeting new people- but I can't get past this "sounding lame" stage. Does everyone go through that on some sort of level, or am I a nerd and in the dark on this one?
My internet name is Buttafly32681. I just get called Butta or Buttafly. Which is fine- I've had this screen name for so long- and it came from my love of butterflies. I collect them. I'm a mother of 2 beautiful girls. Ages 2 and 4. I am a wife of 5 years and have been together with my work-a-holic for just about 9 years. For some reason I am still unable to be a stay at home mom. I actually started blogging to track my 1st pregnancy. I closed that blog a few months after she was born- and here I have been ever since. I started blogging in April after losing touch for a while. I came here to try and express how I feel with out people in my life really knowing about it. I have had these problems with being a little emotionally unstable. I have had some really great friends that have gotten me through rough times- so this was never a real issue for me. But they all have their own families and lives now.... I only see the Hubby 2 1/2 days a week and he just hasn't been able to provide the amount of emotional support that I really need. I don't feel I am failing- but going through a rough patch. We are working on this but I am having a hard time trying to de-stress and please myself. So here I am blogging again. And to be quite honest, I am not sure if I have even spoken/written about how emotionally unhappy I have been. Maybe its been a way for me to talk about everthing else- so it helps me try and work on the stress of this emotional issue that is so important to me. With out this emotional support I have found that I stay frustrated, and stress more- and the sex is not good enough. I have also had thoughts about adultry. I don't think that if it ever really came down to it that I would preform adultry, but the thought has been there. I also don't feel my mind is crazy enough to need any kind of therapist or counselor. Besides- I can hardly keep up with the house chores, kids and work- how could I find time to go tell someone else my problems.
Today we have gotten the letter from our school district saying that Big Z was accepted into the preschool. All that we have to do is provide transportation. This means that I do NOT have to pay. This will also be a start for us to possibly enter a new daycare. One that is closer and less crazy. I would get into that, but that is a whole differnt blog.
have sat here long enough and have gone into one of those "writers block" or what ever you want to call this. So I am ending this now! I hope to have future comments, and guest bloggers in the near future!!


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Things I'm Not Liking

  • Giving in to
  • Wondering if I'm turning into a
  • Feeling
  • Wondering if the situation calls for

    or if perhaps someone needs to make a

    Then again maybe it's all just

Yeah. . .

Whatever. . .

Free Time

OMG, I actually have some free time on my hands. N is off to basketball camp at the great big U of I where he’ll hobnob with his favorite players, particularly Trent Meacham. I have the whole house to myself until Sunday. Aaaahhhh…..

Normally, I would look at this as time I needed to be doing something productive like cleaning house or something. However, given that my leg still hurts when I stand or walk too much, and particularly given that two “angels among us” are going to be coming in the next couple of weeks to help me declutter, I intend to use this time to rest. That’s right. Other than going to work, I intend to sit on my butt with my bum leg elevated on soft pillows and relax without guilt. Why, I might even just take a nap or two in the next few days.
more cat pictures

Ah, is there anything sweeter than uninterrupted peace and quiet?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Starting Every Day with Tears

That's what I've done so far this week. I know. Only two days into the week. Yeah, yeah. Nevertheless, both days this week so far I have come into work, opened my email and started my day with tears.

Yesterday the minister who is kind of interim pastoring until we get a real interim pastor sent an email sharing the text of her sermon from Sunday. I had missed the Sunday service due to my bum leg (it bothered me tremendously that day) so getting to read the sermon was nice. Reading it, though, is what brought tears to my eyes. Her words went straight to my heart. I emailed her a response and shared my reaction and why it meant so much to me.

This morning I arrived at work, opened my email and there was her reply back to me. It was kind. It was touching. The tears rolled, again.

What's up with this weeping on a daily basis? Is it because of my stupid period? Is it because my leg is hurting, and I'm wondering how long it will take for it to ever get better? Grow up girl! Never let 'em see you sweat. Tough it out. Stand strong.

I seriously need to get over myself.

Monday, June 23, 2008

RIP George Carlin

I thoroughly enjoyed George Carlin's humor. As a Christian maybe I shouldn't have had such an appreciation of some of his humor, but I did and do. I saw him perform in Vegas a few years ago. At the time he was preparing for one of his HBO specials and was using his gig in Vegas to try out some new routines he wanted to use. I loved the entire show, even when he'd mess up, refer to his notes, and start again. It was kind of cool to be allowed to be there (one of only thousands) to watch as he worked on getting that show together. I suppose some would feel short-changed to pay full price for a show that lacked that "finished product" polish. Not me. I loved it. I loved that George Carlin just was who he was. Take him or leave him. It didn't matter to him. George Carlin was a man of integrity. He spoke his mind and didn't let what others might think stop him from speaking his thoughts.

The following is a routine that many Christians would hate, but not me. I love it. Why? Because it reminds me what non-Christians see of my religion. It reminds me how important it is to be as true a reflection of God's image as possible. It reminds me that when those who claim to be Christians need to be careful how we present ourselves, our churches, and our faith to the outside world.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Up Next: Another Episode of "Let's Talk Sex" with TS and N

The worst part of telling your child that you are open to answering any questions he may have about his body's private parts and how they work and what they are for is that the child feels free to come and ask you all manner of questions.

Tonight's topic: Erections.

Yes, N wanted to discuss erections, hard ons, stiffies, boners. Why do they happen when he sees a girl that he thinks is pretty? Is there any way to control them? What if a girl sees that he has one? What would happen if his teacher noticed he had one? What are they for anyway? Why do you have to have one to have sex? Why can't you pee when you have one? As a woman I had no idea the amount of thought a boy of nine could devote to one subject. Where was the little boy who flits from topic to topic? Nope, not tonight. Tonight we probably spent a good 20 minutes on the. . . (wait for it. . . it's so bad. . . a really bad double entendre here. . .) ins and outs of erections.

True to my word I answered each and every question to the best of my ability. I must be doing something right. After all, if he's comfortable enough to discuss topics like this with me, there aint' gonna be much he won't feel comfortable asking me. Wait, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

A Meme (sorry I couldn't think of a clever title)

Bunny tagged me about a bazillion days ago with a meme. I promised her I'd get right on it, and, ahem, after a bit of procrastination here it is:

1. What was I doing ten years ago?
Getting over losing my almost-daughter when the adoption fell through and had just been matched up with N's birth mother to try to adopt one more time. As much as it hurt to lose my little girl, I realize that if I had gotten to adopt that little girl I would never have had N and that is unthinkable to me.

2. What are five things on my list to do today?

1. Work
2. Pay Bills
3. Rest
4. Try to feel better
5. Try not to resent people who don't think my injury is that bad

3. Snacks I enjoy?
Lately it's been ice cream when craving sweets and tortilla chips with guacamole when craving salty snacks.

4. Things I Would Do If I Were A Billionaire?
Set up a trust to take care of N's education. Then take an around the world cruise. Quit my job and become heavily involved in politics to work to bring real democracy back to this great nation.

5. Three of my bad habits?

1. Procrastination
2. Eating the wrong foods
3. Adultery
Hmm, these are exactly the same as what Bunny said, but they are just as true for me as for her.

6. Five places I have lived?

1. Dallas, TX
2. Northern CA coast (could even watch the fishing boats leave and arrive from my living room window)
3. My parents' house
4. FAR (people familiar with the U of I will understand this one)
5. In my own little world in my head

7. Five jobs I’ve had?

1. Babysitter
2. Test tube washer
3. Food service worker
4. Professor's aide
5. Accountant

8. How did you name your blog?
I started it at a time when I was in the throes of the deepest depression I've ever had, and I started it at a time when I, the faithful wife of many years, was considering having an affair. This blog was a place to dump all those thoughts -- the really deep and dark thoughts I couldn't share in real life. Thus was born "Deepest Darkest Thoughts."

I’m supposed to tag 5-6 people now. Screw it. You wanna do this meme, then do it. You don't wanna, then don't. Yeah, I have an attitude problem these days. So sue me.

Monday, June 16, 2008

But Nobody Warned Me About Saturday the 14th

Friday the 13th went off without a hitch, smooth as could be. Silly superstitions.

Then came Saturday the 14th. Oh sure it started just fine. Slept in. Had a slow sleepy morning. Had coffee. Finally got dressed. Went out for breakfast (brunch? lunch?) after 1:00 in the afternoon. Helped BJ find some stuff at a garage sale for his apartment. Went back to BJ's apartment and just hung out. We intended to go to a movie on Saturday night. We headed out.

Then IT happened. Proof positive that it is never good to be too happy or too comfortable because inevitably something will happen to bring you back down. Yes, I proved once again just clumsy I can be. I took a header off the top of the front steps at BJ's apartment building. Fortunately there were only two steps. Unfortunately, they are made of concrete, really sturdy hard unforgiving concrete. I scraped my right knee and right shin. I scraped and bruised my left palm just a little. And then, there was my left leg. Oh heavens don't I wish I didn't have that left leg. It has a scrape about an inch and a half wide from the knee to halfway down the shin. It was also pretty sore that night. Needless to say we missed our movie, and BJ took very good care of me that night. He asked if I thought I should go to the ER and I said no. I really thought it wasn't anything more than some scrapes and bruising.

So Sunday I got up and drove home. I was surprised how painful the left leg was. To put weight on it is virtually unbearable. On a scale of 1 to 10, the pain when I put the left leg down is around an 8 or 9. I decided, finally, in the afternoon that maybe I ought to call the nurseline to see if I should be concerned about a possible break. Her advice was to go to urgent care and be seen, but that I should be driven by another adult. So I called BJ, and when he arrived we were standing in the front hallway preparing to leave when I, in my best drama queen fashion, fainted. He called 911 and soon I was on my way to the ER. They checked me out, determined the fainting was probably due to a combo of the pain and not having eaten much that day, and the x-rays showed no breaks in the leg. God bless him, BJ stayed with me through two boring hours in the ER, and then went and got my prescription filled for the pain meds the doctor prescribed. He also took me through a drive thru to get some dinner. He took me home, helped me settle in and even fed the dog for me. BJ was a true angel.

Today I'm at home, miserable, but I'm thinking that I'll have to find a way to bear the pain and take care of myself and N. I have no other choice. I'm glad it's time for another pain pill.

Friday, June 13, 2008


Never heard of it? It’s the fear of Friday the 13th.

I try not to be superstitious. . . but I am. I just might as well admit it, because as much as I want it not to be true it is true. I can not pass a penny without picking it up, even though I tell myself that not picking it up will not in any way bring me bad luck. Yet I still pick it up. I will not walk under a ladder. I will turn another direction to avoid allowing a black cat to cross my path. I did finally get over the not stepping on a crack. That one was too hard, and I had ample proof that my mother’s back was just fine in spite of my stepping on many cracks.

And then there’s Friday the 13th. I have never had anything particularly bad happen to me on a Friday the 13th. As a matter of fact, the worst things that have happened in my life (like being hit by a car) happened neither on a Friday nor on the 13th of the month. Yet I get a little twinge anytime a month rolls around with the 13th falling squarely on a Friday. As irrational as it is, I am more cautious on that day than any other. As irrational as it is, anything that goes wrong that day I just chalk up to the day and date. As irrational as it is, if it turns out to be a pretty good day I feel like I’ve cheated fate.

As educated as I am I should know better than to believe in superstitions, and on one level, I don’t. However, there’s always that little voice in the back of my head that says, “Better safe than sorry.” I heed that voice and follow those superstitions “just in case.”

So what will I be doing today, Friday, June 13, 2008? Being very, very careful. I will drive extra carefully, watch extra carefully for traffic when walking, weigh my words extra carefully when speaking with those at work. After work, I’ll be heading to BJ’s for the weekend. I intend to snuggle in his arms and let him protect me until Saturday the 14th dawns.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

I'm Such a Rebel

I made a call in my cubicle yesterday to arrange to have someone come out and service my A/C at home.

I mean, for goodness’ sake, my calendar is right there on my computer screen. I’m supposed to make calls like this on my cell phone, away from my desk, and try to remember my calendar so that I know when to schedule an appointment?

I am not enough of a rebel, though, to do it when anyone was around. I waited until the two people in cubicles closest to mine were gone to a meeting. Wimp!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

How to Make a Shy Person Retreat Further

Had my annual review at work recently. It sucked. Or rather, I suck. I have finally found a job I really, really like, and I suck at it.

I work differently than some others, and that’s not okay even though the quality of my work is excellent according to my review. There is no appreciation for my way of working on several different projects at one time and finishing them by their deadlines, rather than working on one project from start to finish, then the next, then the next. It seems to me to be a style difference only, and not one of great consequence. My supervisor does not agree.

Also, the quantity of my work is inadequate, and quite honestly, I would have to agree with my supervisor on that point. When I first started I would get everything finished that was assigned to me and had a hard time finding things to do to keep myself from massive boredom. I slowed way down, paced myself, so I didn’t have so much spare time. I guess I’m afraid to get things done too quickly because if I do then what? I don’t know, and therein lies the problem. When I get things done quickly and ask what to do next my supervisor rarely has anything for me so I’m left to my own devices. I am not sure how to proceed other than speeding back up and documenting copiously how I am spending my time so that the next time it comes up I can point to the times I’ve requested direction from my supervisor as to what he would like me to do next, and the responses I get.

Also, an unnamed coworker complained about me taking personal phone calls at my desk so I’ve been forbidden to have personal calls at my desk. Any personal calls have to be made from, or taken on, my cell phone somewhere other than my cubicle. Now, if this was the overall company rule I wouldn’t have nearly the problem with it that I do given that it’s just me that has to follow this rule. Others receive and make personal calls from their desks. I know they do because I hear them. Maybe I should complain about them to our supervisor.

Yeah, I’m bitter. I know that there is some level of truth to the problems he pointed out. I also know that he gave me no chance to make suggestions of how we might work to resolve the issues. Basically it was a “shape up or ship out” message. So now I come to work feeling alienated from my supervisor and my coworkers. I still really enjoy the kind of work I’m doing, but I no longer feel the camaraderie that I used to feel. I come in, sit at my desk, do my work, and speak to no one.

I totally suck. . .

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Lucky Me

N finished the school year this past week, and this weekend his soccer team was to play in a tournament near Indianapolis, two games on Saturday and two on Sunday. Because of the lengthy drive we went on Friday night and arrived at our motel in Franklin, IN late that evening. Now there's no reason for anyone to have heard of Franklin, IN. It's a small town just a ways south of Indianapolis just along I-65.

We went to bed shortly after our arrival ready to get up early for Saturday morning's soccer game. Then the storm hit, the one coming from the dark ugly clouds we'd seen before the sun set as we drove through Indiana. The lightning flashed, the thunder rolled, the rain came down in sheets and in buckets and kept on coming all night long.

Saturday morning dawned with no letdown in the storm. Hearing the thunder rumble I knew we wouldn't be playing the morning game. Upon going downstairs I learned from other parents that so far the afternoon game was still a go, and that the breakfast area of our motel was flooded. Flooded?!? Eh, I chalked it up to poor building design. N played with some of the other boys on the team to occupy the time. I tried to get on the laptop for some blog time, but alas, the hotel's wifi wasn't working. By lunchtime we knew that no games would be played on Saturday at all. Although the storm was clearing there was some flooding being reported. By mid-afternoon we knew the entire tournament was canceled. However, we also found out that the flooding was more extensive than we'd realized. There would be no trips into the town of Franklin because the road was closed. There would be no trip home that day either because that road was closed too. Apparently, I was lucky enough to arrive in central Indiana just in time to be part of the worst flood there since the early 1900's. Lucky me. Truth be told, I was very, very lucky. I didn't lose my house and belongings in the flood like several who stayed last night at the motel. I didn't have to be wheeled out of my nursing home and taken to a motel not knowing for sure what I was doing. I didn't have to see my neighbors' cars covered over in muddy water. Nope, I was pretty darned lucky. All I suffered was a bit of inconvenience of traveling to a tournament that was canceled. When all is said and done I am among the lucky, today, this weekend, and in life. Yet I dare to whine about trivial shit. Sometimes, God uses things that happen to us to hit us upside the head and give us some perspective.

I arrived home today grateful that I have an intact house, a wonderful son, a great boyfriend, a super dog, and more material things than anyone should ever want. I sit here in my house now safe and sound. I'll be praying for the folks in Indiana devastated by this weekend's floods. I ask that those of you who are the praying kind to do likewise. If you happen to have a few extra bucks sitting around you might even consider sending it to the American Red Cross. They are doing some awesome work amongst the flood victims and I'm sure they could use any assistance you might be able to offer.

There are some really good pictures of the flood at the Indianapolis Star's website if you care to see them.

Friday, June 06, 2008

The Alphabet Meme

For want of a real post I went and stole this off of Fusion's blog. It reflects my desire to write rambling thoughts but having no organizational skills today to do a real post.

So without further ado, I give you:

The Alphabet Meme

A is for your age:
47, middle aged since 47 is half of 94, and I don’t figure to make it much past 94 although I might since the female members of my family tend to live well into their 90’s.

B is for your burger of choice:
Black bean veggie burger with pepper jack cheese, guacamole, lettuce, tomato, onion and spicy brown mustard on a whole wheat bun.

C is for the car that you drive:
Black Pontiac Aztec. Funky and fun, the type of car you either love or hate. I happen to love mine.

D is for dog's name:
Jupiter. Why? I have no idea. It’s the name he had when we got him from the pound.

E is for an essential item you use each day:
Various meds, more all the time, to keep this old body running.

F is for your favorite television show:
Amazing Race, Big Brother, Survivor, The Mole (Can you tell I’m ever so slightly a reality show junkie?)

G is for favorite game:
Risk or backgammon, hard to choose between the two. Anybody willing to play backgammon against me on MSN Games without disappearing as soon as I start to win? Mostly I just play against the computer anymore since I never get to finish a game with a real person on the other end.

H is for hometown:
Oh no, too small to reveal here, let’s just say a tiny village in the rural Midwest, a few hundred hicks who hadn’t a clue they were hicks because they never ventured far enough away to see any different.

I is for instruments played:
In the order in which I learned to play them: piano, flute, oboe, organ, trombone. Mom taught me piano to keep me from pounding on the keys as a toddler. She started teaching me when I was three, and I ended my lessons when I was in second grade. If I’d kept up with it I might actually have gotten good. Flute was the first band instrument I played in grade school. Flutes and flautists, however, are a dime a dozen. I wanted something different, and my seventh grade band director wanted someone to play the school’s oboe. So I learned the oboe which other than a couple of obvious differences is very similar to playing the flute, but it makes you far more cool because it’s more unique. Mom wanted an organ in the worst way, and once the finances were such that they could do so my parents bought one. It’s a nice one – full set of foot pedals and everything. They still have it. Some think that if you can play piano you can play organ. Eh, sort of, but there’s a lot more to the organ than the piano. Mom taught me the basics that I needed to know to get by, and if it’s really an emergency, yes, I can play piano or organ at church. I learned trombone in high school because (a) my brother had a trombone he wasn’t using and (b) trombone was a “boy’s instrument.” Oh yeah, try and tell me I can’t because I’m a girl and then just watch me. Ha! I suppose if I’d stayed a child longer I’d have learned to play more instruments. I got bored once I got the basics down and just had to move on to the next thing. Jack of all trades, master of none.

J is for favorite juice:
Not a big fan of juice, but cranberry is my favorite when I do have juice. Grapefruit is my least favorite, and orange just seems so ordinary to me, but cranberry is good with a bit of a kick to it.

K is for what you'd like to kick:
W’s ass. If you need an explanation why then you ain’t been reading this blog.

L is for last restaurant you dined at:
Well, I went through the Starbucks drive-thru this morning for a muffin and iced mocha, but if we’re talking actual sit down dining it would be last night with BJ at a local Japanese restaurant, although as many Asian restaurants around here do they really served dishes from other Asian cuisines besides Japanese. I had the Tofu Pad Thai which is Thai (imagine that), not Japanese. The food was good, but not great, and not worth the prices they charged in my opinion. BJ may have a different opinion.

M is for your favorite Muppet:
Elmo. That wasn’t always true. I used to be a big Kermit the Frog fan when I was a kid. Once I had N though Elmo seemed to be the big Muppet star, and I gotta admit the little red fur ball grew on me. I probably squeezed Tickle Me Elmo more than N did. I’m just an overgrown kid in so many ways.

N is for number of piercings you have:
My ears, one hole in each. Does that count as one piercing or two? I have no desire to have any other part of my body pierced other than my ears. I’ve thought about going back and getting a second set of holes in my earlobes, but I have been thinking that for some 20 years and haven’t done it yet so it probably isn’t likely.

O is for overnight hospital stays:
Other than being born in a hospital I’ve only stayed for one night when I had my quite diseased gall bladder removed. I would’ve stayed longer, but they wouldn’t let me. Darned insurance companies. Where do they get off not letting me hang out and be waited on hand and foot and given periodic shots of Demerol? Huh! The nerve.

P is for people you were with today:
N, W for a few minutes when I dropped N off, the Starbucks drive-thru lady, my coworkers

Q is for what you do in quiet times:
Quiet times? There are quiet times? On the rare occasion that I have quiet times I generally sleep.

R is for regrets:
Marrying before developing my self esteem to a level where I didn’t feel the need to marry just anyone who was willing to have me.

S is for status:
Separated, headed for divorce, dating BJ, happy most of the time.

T is for time you woke up today:
5:45 a.m., and really that is no time to be getting up.

U is for what you consider unique:
The little blue birthmark on the left side of my face. My philosophical beliefs I think are also unique.

V is for favorite vegetable:
Asparagus, lightly steamed, with just a squeeze of lemon juice.

W is for your worst habit:
Picking my nose. Sorry, but you asked. Just trying to be honest here.

X is for x-rays you have had:
Standard dental x-rays throughout the years, right hand years ago when my boyfriend accidentally kicked it when we were goofing around, abdominal when I was a teen to find out I had a duodenal ulcer, right knee when I tripped over a curb several years ago, and then foot, ankle and leg when I got run over by the car earlier this year. Oh, and I almost forgot, I’m sure they must’ve taken some x-rays when I was a toddler and in the car accident when my mom drove off a small bridge into a creek and flipped the car. I’m pretty sure they would’ve done x-rays then, but I don’t really know. And no, I wasn’t injured in the accident other than a few bruises even though I was not in any kind of child seat or other restraint (we didn’t even really have those back then).

Y is for yummy food you ate today:
Lemon poppyseed muffin

Z is for zodiac sign:
Taurus, that stubborn bull. Go read a standard profile of a Taurus personality, and you’ll have about a 98% accurate description of me.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

A Little Wimpy, but More Like Popeye

Yesterday when I woke up my right lower eyelid was not only really crusty but also very sore to the touch. “That’s annoying,” I thought to myself as I went about my morning routine. Throughout the day that eyelid bothered me. It itched like crazy, but to even touch it lightly was to cause pain so I refrained, most of the time, from rubbing it. By yesterday evening when I looked at it in the mirror there was a definite red patch on the inside corner of the eyelid.

This morning when I woke up the eyelid felt even worse. “Yikes,” I thought to myself as I went about my morning routine. I asked N if it looked bad, and he said “Oh my gosh, Mom, that’s awful!” with eyes as big as saucers. Looking in the mirror for myself I could see that it wasn’t quite the tragedy one might have thought from N’s reaction, but the entire lower eyelid was swollen and puffy and the red place was just a bit smaller than a dime. I very tentatively reached up to touch it, felt the pain associated with it and decided to keep my hands off of it completely. In an apparent bid for equal attention, my left lower eyelid today has decided to develop a tic. So not only can people see the grotesqueness of the right lower eyelid, they can then turn their gaze to the quivering, jerking left lower eyelid for balance. Oh yeah. I’m quite the looker today.

In spite of feeling like a wimp because I was letting a little tiny spot on my eyelid make me grouchy and lethargic and not at all myself, I called the doctor’s office. My doctor had no appointments available today but another doctor in the practice did. Good enough! I needed immediate attention before this painful eyelid caused more than curmudgeonly behavior, a watery eye, and strange looks from those who saw me.

The doctor was wonderful. She looked at it closely, pushed on it (I know she had to do that, but OUCH), and declared that I apparently have a small cyst in there that has gotten infected. She prescribed antibiotics, warm moist compresses and warned me what symptoms should send me to an acute appointment with the eye doctor to whom she referred me for a routine appointment in about a month.

So apparently I won’t die from this or even lose the use of my right eye. That’s the good news. The bad news is I look a little like Popeye walking around with my right eye nearly closed. Maybe he had an infected cyst too. He should have seen his doctor.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Memories from Home

When I was a little girl we lived in a house that was my mortal enemy. The basement was always wet, wet as in several inches of standing water, when it rained. Due to the water in the basement, mold and mildew grew and could be seen in the bottom corners of the walls in almost every room of the house. I remember well my mom spending hour upon hour scrubbing those walls trying to remove all traces of the mold and mildew. All the while, I was a sickly kid. The doctor diagnosed me with asthma. I wheezed virtually all the time. I caught cold after cold. At the time I don’t think my parents ever connected the mold and mildew that permeated the house to be the trigger of my asthma. Of course, I also don’t think they thought that Dad’s pipe and cigar smoking were contributing either. When I look back, I marvel that I survived at all, and who knows, maybe if we hadn't moved to another drier house when I was seven maybe I wouldn't have.

Why do I bring this up here today? No reason. None at all other than it was something rolling around in my head, and I needed a place to put in on a shelf so I could make room for other thoughts.

Then again, perhaps I thought about this after having lived through a spectacular lightning show last night during the worst storm we’ve had in the year plus that we’ve lived here. It reminded me of storms when I was a little girl, living in that moldy house. It particularly reminded me of one particular storm where the lightning flashed across the sky over and over and the thunder rumbled and boomed and rattled the windows in the house. During that particular storm a tree fell. It was a very large tree (at least in my preschooler’s mind it was, but I do think it really was a pretty good sized tree). I don’t remember if it was struck by lightning or was just brought down by the power of the wind, but either way it was quite the spectacle afterwards. It was large enough that when it fell across the road in front of our house it spanned both lanes, making the road impassable until a crew came out and used chainsaws to cut into pieces for removal. Fortunately, we could still get out of our driveway if we’d needed to do so and could’ve headed left into town. We couldn’t have gone right towards my grandparent’s farm though. That was blocked. If I remember correctly the road stayed blocked all night, and when I awoke the next morning it was to the sound of chainsaws as they were clearing the road. I don’t remember if we lost power during this particular storm, but we often did so I wouldn’t be surprised if we had.

Childhood held many fears for me. I feared dying when I struggled to breathe during an asthma attack. I feared dying when we sat in the living room watching storms out of the big picture window. I feared bogey men and monsters when I was alone in the dark. I’ve come a long way since then, and I seldom fear dying anymore although bogey men still scare me a bit (hence my refusal to watch scary movies). Last night, during the storm, I could see in N the kind of fear that storms used to elicit from me. I hope that I comforted him better than my parents comforted me. I tried. I didn’t tell him he was being silly to be afraid. I told him I understood his fear, that I used to be afraid too. I told him I was there for him and always would be. I told him that as long as we did what we needed to do and what the authorities advised us to do then we would remain safe. When the tornado siren went off we huddled together in the closet in the center of the lowest level of the house with our battery powered radio and cordless phone. We ventured back out, none the worse for wear, when the tornado warning was over and then, because the weather still seemed a bit iffy, we both slept downstairs in the family room instead of upstairs in our beds. I hope that N looks back in the future and remembers feeling cared for and protected as a child. I wish I could look back on my childhood in that same way.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008


Why on earth do I make everything harder on myself?

Why do I procrastinate?

Why do I worry over things instead of just doing them?

Why oh why do I always do things the hard way?

Monday, June 02, 2008

A New Month

Okay, where did May go? Time is flying by me. So much going on and so little time to blog about it. Let's throw together a little update here, small tidbits about many things, just enough to leave you wondering what's really happening.

BJ - Love having him living close by. We spent a lot of time together this weekend. Fun times.

N - Seems to be happy with Mom & Dad living apart. He mentioned recently that it's nice that there's not so much stress at home anymore.

W - Can be quite cooperative and kind. Then again, can be totally rude and uncooperative.

Church - Apparently every conjecture I had about what might be the situation was wrong. I still think some things were quite mishandled by the church council. However, I also think that the pastor was in the wrong in some ways. Once again, all involved proved that churches are filled with fallible humans. Go figure.

Work - Lots of it thanks to being short staffed.

Home - Starting to get a handle on things and getting better at dealing with having to handle all the chores and errands myself.

Bi Group - Still loads of fun when we get together, and I do make time for that at least on occasion.

Blogging - Not enough time in the day right now. So much to say, so little time to say it.