Thursday, November 30, 2006

Tis the Season

I am, for the most part, a Christmas fanatic. I love Christmas. I love everything about Christmas from the music to the baking to the buying and wrapping of presents. Christmas is probably my favorite holiday.

This year I find that in spite of my angst over my current marital situation, I cannot prevent the Christmas spirit from overtaking me and making me a happy girl. I don’t think that W understands or appreciates my Christmas spirit this year so I’m trying to keep it low key at home. When he asked me what I wanted for Christmas I said I’d like a gift certificate for a massage or a manicure or a pedicure, things I rarely splurge on for myself. I then asked him what he wanted for Christmas, and he said, “To keep us together as a family” with those sad puppy dog eyes he gets that just break my heart. Okay, that dampened my Christmas spirit a bit, but it bounced back fairly quickly.

W took advantage of nice weather last weekend and got all the outdoor decorations put up. We haven’t done any indoor decorations yet. Maybe this weekend.

Things I love about Christmas:
• Christmas music
• Christmas movies and specials
• Baking cookies
• Building a gingerbread house with N
• Shopping, picking the perfect gift for each person on my list
• Wrapping presents
• Advent services at church
• Christmas Eve services at church
• Watching N open his presents
• Buying Christmas presents for residents of a local battered women’s shelter
• Giving money to the homeless beggars on the street, something I rarely do but during the Christmas season almost always do, just because
• People watching at the mall on Christmas Eve when all my shopping is already done
• Celebrating the real reason for the season, Jesus’ birth
• Decorating the Christmas tree and taking the time to appreciate the memories that come from Christmases past as special ornaments take their place hanging from the branches.

And all of this leads me to a new poll in the sidebar. What’s your take on Christmas? Love it, hate it, don’t celebrate it? Let me know just because I’m nosy.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Trying One More Time

Okay, let’s give this one more try. I don’t think that I asked my questions yesterday the way I should have. Let’s focus on the bigger picture than bashing on W. W is not the issue that I was trying to address in yesterday’s questions. I think we’ve well established that W is history. It’s just taking a while to make that physically true even though it is clearly spiritually true.

So focus with me if you will on the aspects that I would like to examine. W aside, other men also have reacted to me in similar ways. I am trying to determine if there is something I am doing to cause, or perhaps just encourage, these types of responses. What I was looking for in responses from men was something along the lines of:

“A woman would elicit that kind of response from me if she _____________________.”

I’m looking for that blank to be filled. I’m looking for what it is that I am doing wrong to elicit the kind of response that I’m getting. Or are you all trying to tell me that I’m just picking the wrong guys? If so, then fine. Just tell me that. But let’s pull the focus away from W because I will reiterate one last time, W IS NOT THE ONLY MAN FROM WHOM I HAVE ELICITED SUCH RESPONSES. It is an ongoing pattern for me throughout my entire life, and I want to fix ME, not the men, just ME. I'm trying to work on self-improvement here.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Men, Help Me Please

Today’s post is simply a question, actually a group of questions, for the men out there. Please, men, please leave comments because I really want to understand.

Why is it that when a woman asks for something she needs in a polite, gentle way a man will completely ignore it? Honey, I’m feeling nervous about my surgery. Could we talk about it? or I was hoping I wouldn’t have to make dinner since I just had surgery today. Would you do it?
Then when the woman asks again in a more forceful way why will the man put her off? I really need to talk to you about this. Can you make time for me now? or I really don’t feel up to deciding what to have for dinner, whatever you make or go get will be fine.
Then when the woman, out of frustration, finally breaks down and cries or screams she is accused of melodrama?

How else was she supposed to get your attention? What is it that she should have done differently? Or is she to understand that the demand was unreasonable from the outset, and if so why didn’t you just say so? Do you say okay just to delay the disagreement? Do you say you’ll do things hoping she’ll shut up and forget about it? What’s the deal? I really want to know. Pull no punches. Tell it to me straight. You’re anonymous here. I can’t go back to your wife and tell her what you say. I really want to try to understand the man’s mind on this.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Today's Horoscope

I'll try to get back to "regular-type" posts soon, but today since I'm recuperating from minor surgery and kind of in and out of wakefulness (I've napped 3 or 4 times now) I'm gonna take the easy way and blog off of my horoscope again.

Today's horoscope:
You may be considering which of your values aren't reflected in what you are doing, yet this is not cause for despair. [Oh yes. I've definitely been considering these things. So glad I should not despair of it. I really feel bad that several of my values like trust, loyalty, dependability, honesty, have gone out the window in the last few months.]
Quite likely, there are lessons here for you, but you must accept your vulnerability before you can learn what is most important. [Yes, quite likely there are lessons here for me. Accepting my vulnerability, hmm, since I so often feel so vulnerable I'm not quite sure about this one.]
Don't take the easy way out by withdrawing into silence. [But silence is where I go. That's how I cope. Oh wait, that's what I do because it's the easy way out. Oh yeah.]
Express yourself, even if you think it's going to hurt. [So come clean with W. Tell him to go. Tell him we aren't going to put this back together. Yes it is going to hurt. God yes. But to continue to drag this out is going to hurt too. Oh, this is so hard, so very very hard to hurt the man I've been with for 20 years. Never was it my intention to hurt this man. Never was it my intention to have things fall apart the way they have. But now we need to face it and deal with it and stop dancing around it and being "too nice" which is really not being nice at all but being false.]

Due to general anesthesia this morning, I'm considered incapable today of signing legal documents. So take with a grain of salt anything that I've said here today. I'm clearly incompetent and unable to form coherent thought. I'll come back and read this tomorrow and see if it makes any sense then.

And for anyone who cares, the surgery went really really well. I'm in very little pain, but am taking full advantage of my convalescence to get out of cooking dinner tonight. I won't go into the details of the surgery here. It, and the circumstances leading up to it, are amply covered in my other blog.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

I've Really Got to Stop Reading These

Today's horoscope:

Your legendary stubbornness [Who? Me? Stubborn?] can get the best of you today if you don't pay attention to the warning signs. [Okay, okay, so I see the warning signs. Yes I do. Very clearly. What of it?]

Be aware of how you get emotionally worked up while defending your position or arguing your point of view. [Again, who are we talking about here? Me? Just because this afternoon I've cried and been angry and pouted and just generally gotten emotionally worked up and the only person I've been arguing with or defending my position to is myself?]

Stop long enough to consider what is truly at stake. [What is at stake? What is at stake? EVERYTHING. That's what. My future. N's future. W's future. BJ's future. The future of poor unsuspecting men everywhere if I were to end up alone.]

Your conclusions can help you decide if you need to hold your current posture or if you can benefit by letting it go. [Grumble, grumble, grumble. Letting go? Letting go? Hell's bells, why on earth would I want to let it go? Where would all the drama go? How could I stay in my "poor me" attitude if I let go? Wait a minute. Is that my current posture? Poor me? Poor me?!? WTF am I thinking? Of course I need to let go of the whole "poor me" routine. Nobody is ever going to love me if all I am is a poor little girl in need of rescue! Oh fine, so I'll let it go. I won't like it, but I'll try to let it go.]

Don't ever let anyone tell you that blogging isn't therapeutic or that horoscopes are bunk. Even if they are so general they could apply to just about anyone they can lead to actual thought processes occurring just as you have witnessed here today.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Maybe He Knows Me Too Well

I have an old friend who is a singer/songwriter amongst other things. He recently put out a new CD and sent me a copy. When I heard this song I wondered if he was writing about me. There are a couple of other songs on the CD that hit home too, but that one just seemed to be my anthem.

If you like the song, or others he has at
Broadjam I hope you'll buy his CD or a song or two at least.

Also, if you are interested in learning more about his work, you can go to his website.

Evidence of a Warped Mind

My romance horoscope for this week:

You could feel like you've been put in charge of the zoo or a circus this weekend, Taurus. Responsibilities weigh on you in strange and unpredictable circumstances. Showing grace under this kind of pressure can earn you respect and, if you're lucky, some affection.

Holy crap. Just what I need more of a zoo or circus atmosphere. Of course, I do feel a bit like a juggler at times with all the men I've been dealing with. Occasionally I feel a little like a wild animal trainer when dealing with W. I often feel like I'm walking a tightrope. Okay, yes, I suppose I do feel a bit like I'm in charge of the zoo or circus.

Strange and unpredictable circumstances? WTF could that be? And if I close my eyes and pull the covers up over my head can I avoid them?

Well, grace ain't my strong suit so guess I'll get to pass on the respect and affection.

And just to give y'all something to really laugh at, here's how I fantasize this horoscope could play out in my life:

Saturday begins with frustration. W and N getting along about as well as always (so not well at all). I retreat to my bedroom, decide to pamper myself and take a nice long hot shower, washing and conditioning my hair, shaving my legs and underarms. I get dressed in casual but cute clothes. I go to the kitchen and with big swinging motions clean the junk off the counters that is left there in spite of my pleas with the other residents of the house not to leave clutter on the counters. I get out everything I need to bake Christmas cookies and N helps me make several dozen cookies.

We are covered with flour and W is dozing in the family room when the doorbell rings. I go to the door and look out to see BJ standing there. Well, this must be the strange and unpredictable circumstance, and it will certainly require a great deal of grace to get through this one. I step outside and close the door.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"I was worried about you, baby," BJ replies. "You mean more to me than anybody, and I can't stand for you to be hurting the way you are."

N opens the door and asks who BJ is. I reply that he is a friend who has stopped by to chat. W now appears at the door also. My only thought is to spare N from whatever is about to occur. My mind is a blank, can't think of what to do. So far grace is completely escaping me. Oddly enough, W suggests that we all go have a cup of coffee and talk over the situation. I say okay, but that I think N would be bored with all our grownup chat. I'll call my cousin and see if they can take N for the afternoon. I call, they can, and I ask W to take him over there. He refuses, saying that I should take him. Not wanting to leave W and BJ alone together, I suggest that while I take N to my cousin's that W go in and take care of a few things and BJ go ahead and leave and meet W and me at Starbucks in 45 minutes. Okay, the grace may be starting to kick in.

As I drive, N asks many questions about BJ and why he can't go with us to chat and on and on. I deflect his questions as best I can and finally arrive at my cousin's house. I give N a big hug, tell him to have a good time, thank my cousin for taking him on short notice, and head towards Starbucks.

On the drive to Starbucks, my mind races. What on earth will this discussion entail? My heart is pounding as I pull into the parking lot. I walk in and see that BJ is just getting his coffee. I approach the counter and order my usual -- a tall nonfat mocha, no whip. W walks in just as I'm paying for my mocha. So we're all here, but in a public place. That's good. BJ has sat down at a table in the corner, and I join him with my mocha. W soon follows. The three of us sit and look from one to another. Awkward silence hangs in the air in spite of the quiet music playing in the background. My heart is pounding so hard I think it will surely explode at any moment. Are the two men feeling the same way? I don't know but neither looks very comfortable. What seems to be several minutes passes without a word being spoken.

Finally, the silence is broken when W asks "Does someone want to explain what's going on here? Or can I guess pretty accurately?" Discussion ensues. I admit to being in love with BJ, and to wanting nothing more than to be out of our marriage so that I can be with BJ. W asks BJ what his intentions are. BJ tells him that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. W tears up, but says that he will be gone by the end of the day. I beg him to stay in the area to be there for N, that N needs him. He says he'll think about it, but can make no guarantees. W leaves to go get some of his things from the house. BJ and I sit and talk for a while and then go back to his motel room. After we make love, I leave. I must pick up N from my cousin's house. I must think of a way to tell N about the break up. I must start my journey into this new life.

Told you it would be good for a laugh. Still dreaming of fairy tales. . . .

Friday, November 24, 2006

It's Not Easy Being Me

It's not that easy being green;
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold...
or something much more colorful like that.

It's not easy being green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ord'nary things.
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're
not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
or stars in the sky.

But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain,
or tall like a tree.

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why?
Wonder, I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful!
And I think it's what I want to be.

I think of Kermit's song "It's Not Easy Being Green" and I identify with it. Not because I'm green you understand. I'm only green when I've eaten bad shellfish. No, I identify with it because of some of the characteristics that make me "different" so that it's not easy being me. My entire life I've felt different for one reason or another. But I also want to get to that place in the last verse where "'ll do fine, it's beautiful! And I think it's what I want to be."

One of those reasons, a big reason that I feel "different," is that I am bisexual, and what I would consider solidly bisexual. What I mean by that is that I am pretty equally attracted to men and to women. I believe that there are all shades of gray on the scale of straight to gay. I have known people who are 100% straight, can't imagine being with someone of the same sex. I have also known people who are 100% gay, can't imagine being with someone of the opposite sex. But then there are some of us, probably more than are willing to admit it, that can happily swing both ways to some degree.

As a bisexual I have never felt completely accepted by the straight world or the gay world. The straight world tends to look at bisexuals the same as gay and subject us all to the same prejudice. The gay world, in my experience, looks at bisexuals as gays who aren't willing to admit being gay or are trying to appear less gay or who hide behind their straight side to get along in the world. Admittedly, it is pretty easy for me to pass as straight given that I married a man rather than a woman. That isn't why I married a man though. I married for love. I just didn't come with a preconceived notion of which gender the person I fell in love with might be.

When did I first realize I was bisexual? About the time I hit puberty and not only had crushes on guys I knew, but also on my best friend who happened to be a girl. I had a huge crush on her, and if she had ever shown any inclination I would have made out with her in a flash. As it was, that never happened, but I happily spent the night with her and her with me many many times. Had she not been my very best friend I might have made a move on her, but the friendship was much more important to me so I couldn't risk it. God, I remember looking at her lips and wanting so badly to kiss them. Sigh. . . I also had crushes on guys though, and since that was "acceptable" I pursued them with much more vigor. But there it was. I knew that I could go both ways by the time I was around 12 or so. I probably didn't even know the term "bisexual" back then. I was pretty sheltered, not really learning anything much until my high school years when I used to sit for hours in the library reading every book about sex that I could find.

My high school years I mainly focused on guys, not girls. I was trying, like so many of my peers, to fit in and not appear odd. I often wondered though how many other girls in the locker room after PE were turned on seeing other girls in the showers. For the most part, though, the focus was guys. In college, I used to fantasize about other women but didn't have a clue how to find other bi women or lesbians. It wasn’t until W and I got together that I got my first chance to be with another woman.

W and I talked about swinging, bought some swingers magazines, answered a few ads, and finally started meeting other couples. The first couple we met was a couple who would swing together but were both married to other people. Ruby was the first woman I ever had any sexual contact with. She was not really into other women that much but was very much into sex and said she didn’t care if it was a man or woman she played with. So after W had his way with her, and José had eaten me to several orgasms, the boys sat back and watched while Ruby and I played with each other. We kissed each other deeply, and I was in heaven. I had always dreamed of kissing a woman. She sucked on my nipples and manually brought me to orgasm, and then I did the same for her. Ruby was incredibly sensitive to touch and orgasmed easily. I loved all that we did together, but I could tell she was pretty blasé about it. She was just in it for the big O and really didn’t care who gave it to her. I was really wishing for someone who was as anxious to have another woman as I was, but it was still good as far as it went. I was too shy to actually eat her pussy particularly since she wasn’t so into the whole girl/girl thing anyway.

During our swinging days, I did get a chance at a few more women although it seemed in most cases we would end up with couples where the man was anxious to have the two women do things together, but the woman was more hesitant. It seemed like we often did nothing more than touch each others’ breasts and maybe kiss a bit. It was vastly disappointing to me. There was one couple, however, who were pretty experienced swingers and she enjoyed playing with other women. We only got together once. I don’t remember now why it ended up as a one time only thing. I sure would have gotten together again and again. Hers was the only pussy I’ve ever tasted, and she is the only woman ever to have eaten my pussy. It was a huge turn on for me to do that with another woman. It fueled my desire to have more, but it wasn’t to be. W and I soon stopped swinging after that.

About four years ago, I went on AFF and also and put a profile on each specifically searching for another woman for some occasional discreet fun. Nothing ever came of it. I did get a couple of emails from one woman but could never pin down a time and place for meeting so I got frustrated and dropped it.

So here I am, a bisexual woman with very little outlet for expressing it. I have no desire to give up men. Yet I would love to have a female friend with benefits. Instead I have a couple of men, sort of, and no women. What I wouldn’t give to know if Sue who sits in a cubicle close by is bi and would be interested. Can’t take the risk though that she would gasp at the mere thought and think ill of me forevermore if I were to approach her. So I’ll probably never know. Sue has these really sensuous looking lips and curves in all the right places. I have some wicked thoughts about Sue.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

An Attitude of Gratitude

Perhaps this isn't my actual family, but it is certainly a close representation of the strange mix of people in my life. I'll let you imagine how the people above might fit with the folks mentioned in my blog.

I almost always take the time to take stock on Thanksgiving Day and acknowledge those things for which I am thankful. Some of the things for which I am thankful are frivolous, some are quite serious, but they all mean something important to me.

Here’s the list for this year:
· I’m thankful that I have N and that he is doing so well in school this year.
· I’m thankful that I have become strong enough to start being a real adult instead of pretending.
· I’m thankful that I have BJ in my life, even if it is from a distance and the relationship for now has to exist mostly via online and phone communications.
· I’m thankful that BJ is as much of a pervert and deviant as I am.
· I’m thankful that BJ agrees that we should be discreet about certain things.
· I’m thankful that we can spend our last Thanksgiving as an “intact” family with my cousin’s family with whom I am very close and get along very well.
· I’m thankful that they are letting me bring pie as my contribution to Thanksgiving dinner because I love to bake pies.
· I’m thankful that I live in a country where I can bitch and moan over all that is wrong with the country in which I live and still continue to live here in freedom and relative peace.
· I’m thankful that I have a great hairdresser.
· I’m thankful that I have this blog where I can ramble on about whatever is intruding on my brain and count on getting a wide range of comments, many of which are thought provoking, from strangers who have no idea who I am.
· I’m thankful that I got to attend the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in person last year.
· I’m thankful that I don’t have to do it again this year, but can watch the parade on TV while drinking a cup of coffee and wearing my warm fuzzy pajamas.
· I’m thankful that this list is finished.

And here's my horoscope for today:
You are walking a fine line between caution and optimism, determined to make the most of what life seems to be offering you now. Don't lose yourself in any pie-in-the-sky daydreams, for it's crucial to keep your feet firmly planted on the ground these days. Even if your vision feels like an adventure novel, remember that you are the author and, therefore, are responsible for the decisions you make and the reality you create.

Hmmm. . . . . . . .

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I have no title today

Well, the post I was working on for today will have to wait. Last night, over coffee and pie, W and I had "the talk."

Let's back up. We went to see the counselor last night. We both really liked this counselor. She is very action oriented and jumped right in with trying to help us with some of our parenting issues. After the appointment we both agreed that we liked this counselor more than the first one and would like to continue with this one. Since we had a babysitter for the evening we decided to go to Denny's for pie and coffee and to further discuss our situation.

I think it was good that we talked in a public place, a place where we made ourselves speak calmly and conduct ourselves in a civil manner. We discussed how we have two issues that are really tearing us apart -- our differing views on parenting and our lack of intimacy. It was probably the most difficult 90 minutes I've spent.

I was tempted more than once to say "Never mind. It's okay. I'll continue this relationship and make the best of it." I never said it. What I did say was that we had several really good years, and that I don't regret the years we've spent together at all. I told him that I will always love him and care about him and that I wish there was a way that I could continue to be there for him while having the freedom to have my own life separate from him. I told him that my hope was that with his half of the equity in our home he could buy a condo nearby or choose to rent something nearby. My hope would be that we could continue to attend counseling for the parenting issues and that W could continue to play an important role in N's life.

W started with an attitude that I expected, one of "I'm going to move to Mexico, and you'll never see me again." By the end of the conversation I got him to agree to think it over for a week or two before making a decision about where to go and how much involvement to have with N and with me. I believe that his threat to completely disappear was made to get me to change my mind about splitting up that I would decide (as I have in the past) to stay together to keep him in N's life. However, this time I didn't do that. As hard as it was I didn't back down, but held my ground and just asked him to think it through before making that decision and to think long and hard about what would be best for N.

As we went to bed last night W said that today he will move to the guest room. I thanked him for that and reiterated that he can stay until he figures out where he's going and that I don't want to just abandon him completely.

He is very sad. I can tell that he really just wanted things to stay as they are. As bad as things are with us together he really doesn't want to lose me. I wish there were some way to just make it all okay for all of us. I can't. Not only is W sad, but so am I. Just because I want out doesn't mean that it is easy for me or that I am ecstatically happy to dissolve this marriage. I hurt too. We all hurt, and it's going to get harder before it gets better. I have to feel this hurt, not try to deny it, not try to pretend it doesn't exist. You can't live more than 20 years with someone and give it all up without some level of difficulty, even if you feel deep down that it is best to give it all up.

Please pray with me that we can focus on making things as good as we can for N. Please pray with me that we can find a way to work through this with as little discord as possible.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Watch Out for Land Mines

Last week W and I tried marriage counseling. Tonight we will go again, this time to a different counselor though. My therapist had recommended two to me, and we decided to see each one once, and then decide where to go from there. I really like the one last week, but you never know, I might like this one even better. Actually, I'll be happy to work on things with whichever one makes W more comfortable.

I feel increasingly like I'm walking on a tightrope. I am, as I so often do, trying to keep everyone as happy as possible. If that means not telling my family we're separating then I don't tell them. If that means placating W and going along with shared sleeping arrangements then so be it. Yet increasingly I find myself wanting to shout at the top of my lungs "It's my turn to be happy! Somebody do something to help ME be happy for a change!" So I walk the tightrope, trying to keep everyone happy without making myself too unhappy.

If it weren't for N, this would be easier, much easier. I wouldn't worry as much about W's feelings. But as it is, I do want W to be able to maintain a relationship with N. I want to help (yes, I always want to help everybody, I'm just a little helper) W develop better ways of interacting with N. I don't want W to go completely away. W, though, uses all of this against me, as a way of holding onto me. W tells me that if he and I have no chance of reconciling then he will refuse to go to counseling because there will be no point to it. When I try to explain that it is the only way for him to have access to N to work on changing certain things, it just deteriorates into angry yelling and crying and nothing gets resolved. He is trying to use N to blackmail me into staying, and I don't like it. He is right that I don't want to hurt N and take N completely away from W so by only being willing to work on things under his conditions he keeps me from making the break completely. Yet, emotionally and spiritually I'm already gone. Only physically are we still together, and even then we are only together in the sense that we inhabit the same house. We do not touch anymore. We rarely speak. The mood at home is bleak and depressing and the weight of it feels very heavy to me.

We are at a point where we are both afraid to speak to the other for fear of unsettling the uneasy truce that exists. At some point, something has got to give. When it does, I'm afraid the explosion is going to be huge, with much fallout. I don't feel things getting better from here, only worse, until we finally make that final split. This is agony, and I fear that I am drawing it out longer than I should by trying to "play nice," to "make things work," to "minimize the hurt." Maybe in all this I am actually maximizing rather than minimizing the hurt. Maybe I need to come clean tonight in counseling and be really honest that I don't want to turn back and make this marriage work. I want out. I want out, but I want to be able to work on making things as good for N as they can be with parents who live apart. Why isn't that a reasonable request? Why does it have to be that if I insist on a split, that W will not work with me to make things good for N?

Okay, this is my last whiney post for a while. I'm going to take things in a different direction with tomorrow's post. Unless something big happens at counseling tonight.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Complexity, Complications, Entanglements and Obstacles

My horoscope for today:

You like to keep things simple [why yes, yes I do],
but now your most important relationships may be getting out of hand as interactions have hidden layers of complexity [aw crap, that's just what I need].
You may be willing to put up with temporary complications if you can see your way through the current entanglements [entanglements? like what? still being married but in love with someone else who is also still married? would you call that an entanglement? living hundreds of miles away from each other? each of us having children to think of in addition to our own happiness? who's got entanglements?].
Just keep your destination in mind [yes, must focus on the goal],
for this isn't where you need to stay [that's for sure, ain't nobody happy where we're at right now (gotta love the grammar in that one!)].

Hmm, this actually brought forth thoughts of a new blog post topic. A list. I love lists. I need a list of the obstacles in the way of BJ and me being together. Then as we get rid of, or get around, or find a solution to each obstacle, I can check it off the list and see the progress we are making.

1) We live hundreds of miles from each other.
2) I am married to someone else.
3) BJ is married to someone else.
4) BJ still has a minor child at home whom he must consider when making decisions.
5) I have N, and must consider him when making decisions.

We are working on all of the above, and I may have even more to add to the list as I think of them or they come up. BJ and I have joked about ways to deal with a couple of these, such as me coming to where he lives and getting caught with him in his bed. That would certainly take care of #3, although it might be a little uglier solution than we had hoped. Humor is good, and helps us deal with the crap. Otherwise I think our heads would explode.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Poll Results: All Men Cheat!

Interesting poll results this week. Shall we oversimplify, take no heed of margins of error, miniscule sample size, and extrapolate these results? Well, of course we should, allowing us to post a title like the one above.

Basically, the results of this poll prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that all men are indeed dogs, while less than half of all women are tramps, sluts and whores. Yes, pretty much proved what we all already knew, huh?

Have you ever had an affair behind your significant other's back? [15 votes total]
Yes; I'm a male (3) 20%
No; I'm a male (0) 0%
Yes; I'm a female (5) 33%
No; I'm a female (7) 47%

Now, do I believe any of this? Of course not. There is absolutely nothing we can tell here except that I have attracted readership the likes of which tends to be just slightly less faithful than faithful, and even that is a stretch because very few of my readers actually took the poll.

I'm getting tired of polls, and not many people respond anyway so I think I'll give them up for a while, or at least until I think of some other nosy question I really want to ask you. You never know, that might only take a few hours.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Hmmm. . . . . . .

What type of person do you attract?
Your Result: You attract unstable people!

Congrats, you are an 'insane' magnet, and you probably have no idea why. Something about your mix of styles, how you walk not just 'one' lifestyle, but appear to have a foot in them all. To the insane, you appear to be a beacon of hope and they will flock to you, like it or not. But, they ARE insane. Lucky for you, the insane tend to be the best sexual lovers, just the rest of the package deal may not be for you.

You attract artsy people!
You attract geeks!
You attract models!
You attract rednecks!
You attract Yuppies!
What type of person do you attract?
Quizzes for MySpace

Hmmm, shall we all try to characterize the men in my sidebar and see how they fit in above? I will say one thing. You won't find a model, a redneck or a yuppy in my list. Nope, not one.

Which Star Wars Character Are You?
Your Result: Jar Jar Binks

"OMG, you are SOOO annoying!" I bet that you get told that a lot. Your flighty attitude is charming at first but tends to get you in a lot of trouble and gets excommunicated from your society. Be more careful!

Princess Leia
Luke SkyWalker
Han Solo
Darth Vader
Boba Fett
Jabba the Hutt
Which Star Wars Character Are You?
Create Your Own Quiz

Notice, there is no evil in me at all. Not even a tiny bit. I take comfort in that. I may be annoying, but at least I'm not evil.

Friday, November 17, 2006

3rd Time's a Charm or 3 Strikes You're Out?

J and I got together for sex for the third time. The first two times were less than stellar: the first was rather awkward and the second we both had too many other things on our minds like bad marriages. So what would today bring? Would we find that third time's a charm with a good time had by all? Or would today be a bust, again, maybe indicating we ought to just give up.

Sorry to say today was a bust. We had a little problem with E.D. probably induced by recently prescribed anti-depressants. We had a little problem with me being on my period, and not just a light day but a gusher day. Fortunately, thanks to a couple of friends' comments on the last post I went out and bought a box of Instead this morning. Listen up ladies, Instead works great!! I had very little leakage in spite of my gusher day. So my period was really of very little consequence. However, J's E.D. was insurmountable. I even gave him my very best oral treatment and barely got a rise from him. Then he started to fret over it and completely ruined any chance of recovery. We did have some nice kissing and snuggling, and he almost (note I said almost) brought me to orgasm with manual stimulation. I don't know how he felt about the whole thing, but I just felt very blah. Not bad, but not good either. Just blah. Was it worth using a vacation day, the hour drive, the cost of the motel room? Probably not from the standpoint of sexual satisfaction. However, from the standpoint of solidifying J and my relationship as a friendship, albeit one probably best to be without benefits, it was probably worth it. J and I are really not very compatible sexually, but he and I definitely have a good rapport on a friendship level and will most likely continue to be friends for a long time to come.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

What a Bloody Mess

A recent discussion with someone prompted me to write on this topic. Just as fair warning this post may get into the realm of seriously TMI so if you consider yourself squeamish you may want to rethink reading this post.

Today’s topic, friends, is Period Sex. Yes, today we’re going to discuss sexual activities during a woman’s period. We’ll wait while the faint of heart scurry out of this blog into calmer places.

Okay, now that those wusses are gone, let’s begin our discussion. I’ll start by saying that my position on period sex is, hell yes, I’m all for it with one exception, cunnilingus. I will have nobody’s face, much less mouth, in that close proximity to the mess. Not gonna happen. Other than that, though, I’m pretty much open to the possibilities of sexual fulfillment during my period, particularly since a good orgasm can help alleviate cramps better than about anything else short of my other favorite cure, a Jack & Coke or two.

Clearly there are some sexual activities that are more impacted by a woman’s period than others. Any activity that would include the woman’s vagina, and many sexual ones do, will be impacted. In addition, there may be psychological/emotional considerations impacting other sexual activities also at this time. In addition, there are practicalities that must be taken into account during period sex if one so chooses to go there.

So what things can you do without modification during a period? Lots of things! There are hugs, kisses, fondling above the waist, fondling him below the waist, blowjobs, anal sex. All of these are perfectly easy during a woman’s period. No sweat here, and I suppose for the faint of heart, limiting themselves to these types of activities one week a month would be alright. If you can’t stand the sight of blood, you’ll be fine with any of the above activities except anal as long as she’s kept her panties on. And if you’re that faint of heart, you probably aren’t doing anal anyway.

Then we get into the realm of what can be done with some amount of modifications made. Here you have to take into account the parties’ level of comfort surrounding seeing and touching bloody menstrual fluid. Some people won’t be bothered by it, or not much, and some can’t stand the thought. I would think most women who are by necessity used to dealing with it would be less squeamish here than the men, but I understand that this is not always the case. Anyway, if you can get over worrying about seeing red, it is perfectly wonderful to partake of manual stimulation of the woman or intercourse during her period. Yes, it feels different down there. It is more slippery, more gushy. You definitely won’t need any lube for intercourse. Perhaps if the guy is squeamish about his penis being covered in blood afterwards he could use a condom. Then most of the mess goes away with the condom. For the most part though I have found that throwing down a couple of beach towels on the bed to catch the mess is all I’ve needed to have fun period sex. When you’ve finished, go take a shower together and get all cleaned up. Even more fun can be had in the shower, and the mess is just immediately washed away! Throw the beach towels in the washer right away and stains will rarely be a problem.

I suppose for the really adventurous even oral sex on the woman would be possible, but I haven’t been able to go there. If I were to go there, it would have to be on a relatively “low flow” day, wearing a tampon, having thoroughly washed immediately beforehand. Then I might, and I’m not sure I could but I might, be able to let a guy go down on me during my period. I’m just not sure I could ever kiss him on the mouth again afterwards. Hey, even I have my limits!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Marital Counseling for the Newly Separated

I'm starting this post this morning and will add to it later in the day after W and I attend our first marital counseling session.

My thoughts this morning

I'm nervous. I know that W and I are approaching this appointment with different goals. His goal is to keep the marriage intact. Mine is to make the separation go smoothly and hopefully begin repair of W and N's relationship. The big question mark then in my mind is how are we going to come to some common ground with such differing goals? Ah, but of course, that is why the counselor is there getting paid the big bucks. She is going to help us wind our way through this ugly maze we've created. Hopefully, she can help open both our eyes to the mistakes we are making and how to repair some of the damage and make things better. The one thing she will not do is be able to talk me into staying within this marriage. Too much damage has been done. I desire to be out of this marriage too much. I am valuing too much the freedom that I am already starting to feel. I do not want to turn back. I want to move forward and away from W and into my future without him. Sounds so selfish of me, but maybe that's a natural reaction to putting my interests last for so very long, too long.

My thoughts after our appointment

Not a whole lot happened at the appointment other than giving the counselor some background on us as a couple and the progression (regression?) of our relationship through the present time. We each shared what we thought the problems are in our marriage. We do agree on one thing: we have vastly different parenting styles and we each think our way is right and the other person's is wrong. We also agree that our sex life is not what we would like it to be. Other than that we seem to be travelling in different universes. His perceptions are vastly different than mine, and we are both pretty deeply entrenched in our positions. Not too sure where we go from here. . .

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

How Well Do You Know My True Self?

Take my quiz!

Take This Quiz
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Monday, November 13, 2006

A Day Without Posting? Horrors!

Stole this from Confused Husband just because I couldn't think of a post for today, and goodness knows we wouldn't want to go a whole day without a post here.

1. Explain what ended your last relationship.
Well, if we're speaking of W, then it would be his withdrawal from intimacy (sex but also just that close relationship spouses ought to have) and his becoming verbally abusive with N

2. When was the last time you shaved?
Last Friday morning because of getting together with S that afternoon.

3. What were you doing at 8:00 am this morning?
Working frantically to get a regulatory filing done by deadline.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Watching my favorite soap opera on Tivo.

5. Are you any good at math?
Oh yeah until you start getting into advanced calculus. Then I start to weaken.

6. Your prom night?
Never went to prom. That's J's fault, and I never let him forget it.

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
Kind of, but only famous in the local area where my dad grew up. Nobody widely known.

8. Are you upset about Britney Spears failed marriage?
Hell no, whatever she does is of no consequence to me.

9. Do you know the words to the song on your Myspace profile?
Having no Myspace profile means I don't have to know the words.

10. Last thing you received in the mail?
Way too many Christmas catalogs.

11. How many different beverages have you had today?
Four -- coffee, water, crystal light, mountain dew.

12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines?
Well, yeah, that's the point isn't it?

13. Who did you lose your concert virginity to?
Well, I know it was in 1979, but can't remember who we saw. Perhaps if I'd been sober I'd remember better.

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No, never even thought of it.

15. What was the most painful dental procedure you've ever had?
Having two wisdom teeth pulled.

16. What is out your back door?
Patio with gas grill patio furniture.

17. Any plans for Friday night?
No, but I have plans for the afternoon. ;-)

18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
No, yuck.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns?
Well, sure hasn't everyone?

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Yes, a couple of different ones.

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Meaning what? I use the towels the next day ithatsts what you mean.

22. Some things you are excited about?
College basketball season, starting a new life.

23. What is your favorite flavor of Jell-O?
Probably strawberry or raspberry.

24. Describe your key chains.
It's a very cool one from Old Navy that has three removable rings and a clip to clip to your belt loop or purse strap or what have you.

25. What is the very first song in your iTunes library?
Sorry, but us old fuddy duddies don't have iTunes libraries.

26. Where do you keep your change?
In the cup holder in my car. Any that makes it into the house I give to N.

27. What kind of winter coat do you own?
A long fluffy down filled one, very warm.

28. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
Rainy, so rainy they moved graduation from the football field to the gymnasium. That was for high school. Didn't participate in either of my college graduations so don't know what the weather was like.

29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
At home, open. Anywhere else, closed.

30. Do you want to keep blogging?
Of course! It's my life!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

And J's Response. . .


Sounds like we have the same thoughts! I think we should do a light lunch. No heavy stuff...and very limited beverages, where I am concerned. You know me....I want to do you up right!!! It doesn't matter, but I had a thought the other night about you showing up wearing as sexy as clothes especially underwear and satin and lace bra as can be, and I wore some bikini undewear....what do you think about that? I hope this stupid medication I am on doesn't make me impotent. If everything goes well, I hope that both of us come away from our "date" very satisfied. Talk to you later....


Had to stop by the office to pick something up today so I checked email and picked up the reply above from J. Despite what some people thought apparently I came up with the right answer on that last email of mine. Gotta love J even though he frustrates the hell out of me sometimes.

Weekly Poll

Very different results than I expected. I really didn't think anyone here would care about my vanilla blog, and probably once you've seen it you won't care about it at all.

Have you found my other blog? [18 votes total]
Yes, because you told me (2) 11%
Yes, I found it accidentally (1) 6%
Yes, because you're a moron and were too transparent (1) 6%
Maybe, but I'm not entirely sure (1) 6%
No, but I wish I did (11) 61%
No, and I really don't care to read the other one (2) 11%

Since over 60% of you are interested, here's the link to my other blog. Don't say you weren't warned when you fall asleep from boredom. If you're a college basketball fan I would point you to my entries last March. Those might interest you.

I continue my interest in the demographic of my readers. Are you, like me, a cheater? This week's poll in the sidebar asks exactly that along with your gender. Thanks for continuing to respond to these silly things.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

My New Theme Song

Garden Party
Rick Nelson

I went to a garden party to reminisce with my old friends
A chance to share old memories and play our songs again
When I got to the garden party, they all knew my name
No one recognized me, I didn't look the same

But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself

People came from miles around, everyone was there
Yoko brought her walrus, there was magic in the air
'n' over in the corner, much to my surprise
Mr. Hughes hid in Dylan's shoes wearing his disguise

lott-in-dah-dah-dah, lot-in-dah-dah-dah

Played them all the old songs, thought that's why they came
No one heard the music, we didn't look the same
I said hello to "Mary Lou", she belongs to me
When I sang a song about a honky-tonk, it was time to leave

lot-dah-dah-dah (lot-dah-dah-dah) lot-in-dah-dah-dah

Someone opened up a closet door and out stepped Johnny B. Goode
Playing guitar like a-ringin' a bell and lookin' like he should
If you gotta play at garden parties, I wish you a lotta luck
But if memories were all I sang, I rather drive a truck

lot-dah-dah-dah (lot-dah-dah-dah) lot-in-dah-dah-dah

'n' it's all right now, learned my lesson well
You see, ya can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself

S Stands for Satisfied

Yep, S and I got together yesterday afternoon. He didn't have a lot of time, and we didn't get to do a whole lot. But dang he knows how to make use of what little time we had. Lordy lordy S is a fine example of man. Yes he is. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Snippets of Life UPDATED

Updates on various aspects of my jaded life:

Due to working late and having to take W to pick up his car at the repair shop, we decided to have dinner out last night. W sat across from N and me wordlessly throughout the meal. Uncomfortable, but I realized towards the end that it was actually more pleasant than most dinners out when W barks at N to eat his dinner repeatedly, to use his napkin, to hold his fork properly, on and on. Hopefully, he can see that N eats as much, or more, when you just leave him alone as when you bark at him repeatedly, and he does use his napkin just maybe not until he’s finished, and he sometimes holds his fork a little awkwardly but it isn’t the end of the world. And N and I played a marvelous game of “I Spy” during dinner. He’s very tricky, and I often struggle to guess correctly what he sees. With as much stress as W’s silence caused it was actually less stress than when W speaks. I almost mentioned this to him but thought better of it.

I so much do not want to sleep in the same bed with W anymore. I have also stayed away from confrontation since Monday. An uneasy calm hovers around the house. I hesitate to be the one to push the button that starts WWIII, and don’t know what move I might make that would do that. Hmm, wonder if Kennedy felt this way during the Cuban missile crisis. So I’m debating just moving to the guest room without saying anything. However, the TV is in the master bedroom. I like to set the sleep timer on the TV and go to sleep with background noise. W does not care about having background noise. From that standpoint it would make more sense for him to move to the guest room. Then again, making sense is not high on our priority lists right now. The bottom line is I’m not sure whether to just move or ask him to move or just keep on the way we are. In any case it will only be until he finds somewhere to go so I hate to make it too big of an issue.

My damn telephone phobia is hanging me up again. Haven’t been able to talk myself into calling S yet. Hoping to be able to talk myself into it this morning to see what his schedule is today. I’m so much better at email but when I got rid of the email account I used for my “adventures in dating” this summer I got rid of his email address. Aack. Shot myself in the foot. Again. UPDATE: I did call him at lunchtime. He is going to call back once he knows his schedule. If we can't get together today, then maybe this weekend.

N doesn’t know yet about the separation. I’m thinking it may be better to wait to tell him until W finds a place to move to, but I’m not sure. I’m pretty sure it would be best if W and I could talk to him together if W is willing. I think I’ll ask my therapist tonight for advice on how to talk to him about it.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

And in Other News

W has hives. I think they are caused by stress because he woke up with them early on Tuesday morning after our Monday night discussion of separation. He went to the doctor yesterday and got some pills and cream for it. He said the doctor said he may have been reacting to something he ate. I still think stress but haven't said anything to him about that belief.

Partly due to his miserable case of hives and partly because I don't know what to say, I have said no more about the separation since Monday night. Tension hangs over the house like a thick fog. We barely speak except for necessary things about N and making dinner and such. We continue to sleep in the same bed though I am increasingly uncomfortable there. I guess now that the medication has kicked in and he feels better, it is again time to broach the subject. Splitting up is not easy, and it isn't as though I don't care about him at some level. I do. I hate to see him hurting. But dang I'm feeling so much better now that I feel like I'm free. I wish there were a way for everyone to be happy, but there isn't.


Latest email exchange between J and me, following up on Monday’s telephone conversation regarding getting together next week:


I have the day off on Friday 11/17. So plan on spending a good part of the day with me. I could get my errands done in the morning, and we could meet in xxxxxxxx for an early lunch, maybe around 11:00. After lunch, we could spend the afternoon doing whatever it is we want to do. I'll have to be back by 6:00 that evening. What do you think? Will that work?

Monday W found out about the separation, not quite in the way I had planned, but at least now he knows that we aren't staying together. He is staying at the house until he finds somewhere to go. Gee, it's fun living in a house with someone who no longer speaks to you. NOT. Hopefully he will be out no later than a month from now. What a great wife I am: happy holidays and get out. I'm thinking Thanksgiving dinner is going to be just ever so slightly tense.


Now, I deliberately didn’t say we can spend the afternoon having sex because J generally faints if you’re that straight forward, but I figured that he’d get what I was getting at. Now see his response:

That's great...I mean getting together. Not about the W, and Thanksgiving thing. What do you have in mind about after lunch? Where do you want to meet at 11am? Let me know. Talk to you later.


So, is he dense? Yanking my chain? I don’t know. I’m 45 years old. I got no time for stupidity so I immediately fired off this reply. Note the straightforwardness.


What do you think I have in mind about after lunch? Now that I'm separated I can charge a hotel room on my credit card if I wanna because he will no longer see the bill. I'm taking the day off because I wanna get laid. If that's not your reason then speak right up, and I'll find another way to spend the day. As to where to meet, I don't know. The only restaurants I know over there are Olive Garden because you took me there and whatever's at the mall. Any suggestions, or do you want me to look for something?


We’ll see what kind of response that elicits. My guess will be some remark about how shocked he is by how forward I am. Good grief, if I weren’t so horny I’d never put up with this crap. See BJ, you got no competition here. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

My Horoscope for Today

You could worry others today as you jump into the wild seas of unrepressed actions, yet you actually put on a life jacket when no one was looking. Accordingly, you are prepared for nearly anything that might come your way. You may not drown or be thrown off course, but you will get soaked today by the storms of experience. Common sense can help you keep your head above water.

I don't know. I'm almost starting to believe this astrology stuff. . .

If You Didn't Already Think I was Nuts. . .

You probably will now, particularly if you are of the conservative bent. (And if you are of the conservative bent sorry 'bout how those elections went, well not too sorry 'cause I ain't conservative.)

BJ has turned me around so that I am seeing things his way. I am looking forward to going out and having adventures and him doing the same. What's that you ask? How did he change my mind? It actually turned out to be fairly simple. He told me that he looks at what we're doing as an extension of swinging. Well, I was able to take that idea and run with it in my head. Deviant that I am, the thought of him telling me all the details of his encounters and me telling him the details of mine is very appealing to me. The thought that after an encounter we will be sharing the details with one another and telling each other all the things we've done and how we felt excites the hell out of me.

Ok, you think I'm nuts. I probably am, but I realize that what appeals to me about swinging is that you are sharing something with your partner and getting to watch your partner enjoying someone else. This way, even if we aren't right there sharing, we're still sharing after the fact and enjoying each other's stories of wild animal sex. When I think of it that way it makes me want to really try to have a good time so that I have great stories to share with BJ. I'm not nuts, just a totally depraved perv. Is this just rationalization? I don't think so. I've been in the swinger lifestyle before. I know what I liked about it and what I didn't. My biggest discomfort was that the other guy and I always seemed to have a better time than the other woman. W is pretty dang vanilla in sex. Most swingers aren't. He had too many boundaries and too little willingness to explore. We often seemed to run into women who ended up jealous of me and her guy and/or frustrated by the lack of her own satisfaction. BJ is anything but vanilla. He has his boundaries, we all do, but they aren't overly plentiful. I think that he and I will be able to enjoy swinging together. Until we are actually in the same locale we'll just be doing it vicariously.

Mia has assured me that I am not spinning out of control but have joined her in spinning in control. I think she's right. I do a lot of thinking before acting. I do a lot of yapping on here as I think things through. Sometimes, occasionally, I do let my emotions get the best of me and overreact to things (like last weekend). But for the most part I really am spinning in control. I am making my decisions less and less based on desperation and more and more by thinking things through. While I will admit that the conclusions I reach are often in conflict with standard society's rules and regulations I can live with that. Sometimes I think I can't, but then I come back around to realizing I can.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

New Poll in the Sidebar

Yes, I'm curious. Curious to know how many people are reading this blog AND my other blog too. My other blog, for those that haven't read this post, is a very vanilla mundane blog filled with very vanilla mundane crap.

I'm getting close to the point where I will be able to reveal my two blogs as both belonging to me, or perhaps I should say that I will be revealing that Trueself and [insert other name here] are one and the same person. It is possible that I will reveal myself here first before I do on the other blog just because W reads the other blog, and I think the split better be finalized before he reads any of my shenanigans over here.

But before I make any revelations I'm curious as to just how clandestine I've been. So please answer the poll. Remember, I have absolutely no idea who takes the poll, and if there is a way to track it back to you, goodness knows I would be the last person in the world to know how. So take the poll! Now! Do not delay! (Can you tell I'm in a better mood? The Prozac must've kicked in.)

My Head is Spinning

W knows about the separation now. It didn't happen the way I wanted. But then again, how much of my life goes the way I want? The fact remains that he knows. He found out yesterday during the day and confronted me with it last night. We waited for N to go to bed to discuss it. He's hurt but not really surprised. He wrongly thinks that I've been seeing J and want to be with him. Although I told him that he is wrong about J I did not reveal to him any of what has really been going on. He refused to believe me when I said that N is my biggest concern. I did explain to him that if it weren't for his treatment of N it would be much more difficult to leave him because I do think N deserves both parents if that is possible. Throughout the conversation there was no yelling, no tears. We both sat and talked and asked questions, but nobody got nasty. I think he will come to accept this over time, that we will find a way to focus on making things as good for N as we can. We talked about one of us moving to the guest bedroom until he finds a place of his own. I told him he could choose which bedroom he wants. He never answered, and when we went to bed we both slept in the master bedroom as always. Felt a bit odd, but then I didn't want to do anything that would trigger the anger and yelling that I know can come from W when pushed that one step too far. I slept on my side, he on his, not touching. I slept surprisingly well, but did awaken around 4:00 and thought I heard movement in the house. I rolled over and saw that W was not in bed. Maybe he was just restless, I don't know, but he soon returned to bed, and I acted like I was asleep and soon was.

Well, there's one of my thoughts I can't turn back on now. Staying with W is no longer an option, and it wasn't really an option I wanted anyway. Fear be damned I have to keep moving forward. Forward into the world of being single, being strong enough to take care of myself, handling my own affairs (hmm, interesting choice of words). Scary.

BJ and I have kind of come to a bit of an agreement. I don't know how it is all going to work out, but he and I agree on one thing and that's that we don't want to lose each other. So we're working on a way to make us both comfortable with a less exclusive relationship. We'll see how this all works out. I don't know.

J and I are probably getting together next week one day. S and I may be getting together sometime this week.

Am I spinning out of control?

Today's Horoscope

Someone in your life may be exactly what the love doctor ordered, but it's not quite as straightforward as you wish. Although the overall situation could be very positive, something isn't right. Either you know too much or you feel as if you are missing an important piece of information. Regardless, attempt to live with the imbalance for now, as it will most likely become less important over the days ahead.

Alrighty then, are the horoscope writers now reading my blog, too?

Monday, November 06, 2006

Eerily Correct

My horoscope for today:

You might not be sure about what you really want now, as you are more driven by your fantasies than by the real world in which you live. Consequently, someone can easily tempt you to be very idealistic about love and money. Be careful or you may face disappointment when reality doesn't match up to your ideal.

How very very sadly true.

So Many Thoughts UPDATED

Yesterday I spent the day in as deep a depression as I've been in since I started the anti-depressants months ago. I hadn't slept well, waking every hour or so, praying for the night to be over. Finally, the night was over, morning arrived, and I couldn't for the life of me work up the energy to get out of bed. Then the more I thought the more sick I felt. Worked myself right up into an upset stomach of huge proportions. Never threw up but came close several times and spent quite a bit of time in the bathroom afraid it was going to happen. W could see that I obviously wasn't feeling well, and he took over getting N ready for church. They went off to church and left me in bed. I dozed, off and on, all day. I got up while they were at church, went online for awhile, played more games on MSN Zone than anything else. I emailed back and forth with BJ a couple of times. I should have used that time to gather my information for the separation, but I never even thought of it at all until later in the day. Idiot. Had my chance and totally blew it. W and I had a discussion yesterday afternoon. It was pretty damned obvious that I was depressed, couldn't hide that at all. W asked me if I wanted him to move out. Rather than saying "Yes, yes, more than anything!" I said, "Why would you think that?" After further conversation, I did admit that it might (might? why on earth did I say might?) come to that. W said that he has seen me changing recently and knows that I'm not happy. When I said I didn't know I was transparent he said, "You aren't good at hiding things. Kind of like Christmas presents." He repeated that a couple more times. I was afraid to ask further what he meant by that. What has he found? I don't know. We discussed marital counseling, and I called the two counsellors recommended to me by my therapist. I left a message with one, and the other one answered when I called and I set up an appointment. I'm still going to file the separation, but I really want to get W in therapy so that no matter what happens we can work on making things better between N and him. I don't want to have to take N completely away from W and yet if he doesn't change his ways I will fight for full custody. So getting him to agree to marital counseling yesterday was huge.

I spent a good deal of time yesterday thinking. Thinking through various aspects of this whole situation. I know that I'm not thinking clearly right at the moment so none of the thoughts I'm having are going to lead to action. But the thoughts are there, and I have to work them through in my mind. I have to acknowledge them and not try to just push them down. I need to look at them and examine them and feel the feelings associated with them.

Some of my thoughts:
Maybe I should try to stay with W. But I don't want to stay with W. I want out. I'm scared to death to be on my own, but staying with W isn't the right answer.

Maybe I should go ahead and get back with J. But I don't want to be with J. I wouldn't mind having sex with him occasionally, but I'm not interested in living with him or trying to make a life with him.

Maybe I should contact S or L and go ahead with the whole casual sex thing. Maybe I could get more comfortable with casual sex that way. Because I realize that as much as I talked a good game this summer, and tried to go there I never managed to go beyond a certain point (yes, I know it was a point quite a ways out there but no intercourse). I just wasn't up to doing it. But I've come to the conclusion that holding sex up as something more sacred than a physical act isn't wrong. It's okay to think that way, and I don't need to force myself to do things with which I'm not comfortable.

Maybe I should tell BJ that I've changed my mind. I can accept that he has a different viewpoint on casual sex than I have, that I can accept that he is willing to sacrifice having casual sex to be with me. And this is the one I'm most tempted to do. Maybe it should be enough for me that he is willing to make that sacrifice for me. Maybe it shouldn't be important to me for it not to be a sacrifice but something that he willingly desires to do. Is it too much to ask to be with someone who genuinely desires to be only with me? Someone for whom it doesn't feel like a sacrifice to give up sex with others. Once I became involved with BJ I dropped everybody else, closed the email account I had used for my actiivities, turned off my profile on an online site I was using. I didn't do that because I felt that I was sacrificing something for BJ. I did it because I no longer felt the need to look elsewhere. I was happy to look to BJ alone for sexual fulfillment even if we couldn't be together often. I assumed, wrongly, that he felt the same way. So am I being too hard on BJ? I wonder. Maybe I am. Maybe I should be pleased that he's willing to ask me for permission rather than going behind my back. Maybe I should be pleased that he is willing to respect my discomfort and not do anything that makes me uncomfortable.

So what am I going to actually do? Nothing. At least for a few days. I want to just wallow in all these thoughts. I want to feel the pain that I'm in and just let it ease up some before trying to make any decisions at all. Many times I cause myself problems by making decisions too quickly, turning on a dime, running wildly from one thing to the next. I have got to stop that. So I hurt. Yes, I do. So feel that hurt, experience it, don't run around desperately trying to do anything to make the hurt stop. Let the hurt be what it is. Well, this is a different strategy. Better? Don't know. But different. Definitely different.

In spite of my bold claims of doing nothing for at least a few days, here's how my morning has gone:
Listened to voicemail on my work phone from J that he left last Friday afternoon (I had left early for Dr. appt) asking me to call him back.
Read email on work email address from J (only email address he has for me) that he left on Friday night asking me to take a day off to spend with him this week.
Sent an email to BJ asking for clarification of a few things thinking maybe I've blown things out of proportion.
Called J's cell and left a message telling him he can call me back this afternoon.
Replied to J's email telling him no go for this week, but open to discussing one day next week.
Replied to an email one of my blog readers sent me, and replied in a somewhat flirtatious way (but subtle, I think).
At lunch, checked my cell phone that I'd left in my car for missed calls and saw one from S but he didn't leave a message. Debated calling him back, decided against it, and he called me back moments later. We chatted a while. I updated him some on my situation. We may get together later this week. Now, how did he know to call today? S, are you a reader of this blog? If so, please tell me.
I've broken down in tears 3 times at my desk, once in the car at lunch.

It's been a busy morning. And no, I am not proud of myself. But yes, actually I do feel better. . . sort of.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Not That I Care Anymore About Polls

Just to give the weekly update. I don't have a new one for this week. If I did it would probably be too depressing like "Should I just go ahead and kill myself and get myself out of this misery?"

Do you dress in costume for Halloween? [17 votes total]
Of course! (1) 6%
Sometimes, if I have the right inspiration (5) 29%
Only if I'm invited to a costume party (4) 24%
Only when cajoled into it by someone else (3) 18%
No, never ever ever under any circumstances (4) 24%



Saturday, November 04, 2006

Oops, I Did It Again

I fell for the wrong guy. Not a bad guy. Just the wrong guy for me. I don't want anyone to think that this is BJ's fault. He is not a bad person. He is a wonderful person. We just have some differences that are too big to get past. I will always love him. I felt a connection with him that I have never felt with anyone else. I tried through several conversations with him yesterday and today to see if we could come into common ground, but I just couldn't get to a point of comfort. At first it made me angry that he thinks differently than I do on certain issues. Then I came to the realization that that's what dating is all about, getting to know each other, finding out if you are compatible. If you aren't compatible on some little things it may not be a big deal, but if you aren't compatible on a big thing then that's when you've got to be strong enough to admit that it just isn't going to work. It isn't that one person is wrong and one is right. It's just that they are different.

Now comes the scariest part. Going ahead and leaving W knowing that I am going to be alone, and perhaps alone for the remainder of my life. And with my recent discovery that I am not good at the whole casual sex thing that could doom me to a life of celibacy. Oh well. I must focus on N and what's best for him. While it might be okay for me to stay with W and tolerate things until he dies, it is not okay to subject N to the hell that this family is in. Nope, I have to move on and focus my efforts on raising the best son that I can.

Excuse me if I go cry now for a bit.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Ain't Nothin' Perfect Ya' Know

Today I’m wishing BJ knew nothing of this blog. Today I’m wishing that I could write some things on here that he would never see. Today I’m going to go ahead and write what I want to write, and take whatever consequences come from the fact that BJ is going to see this. I would ask him not to read this post, but that would certainly tempt him more to read it so I will just plunge ahead.

I love BJ. I want to make my relationship with BJ work. I want to be the person that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I am struggling with two issues and trying to work out in my own mind my own comfort with those issues.

The first is sleeping together. BJ and I have very different sleep styles. He wants to sleep on his side of the bed without any physical contact. He doesn’t sleep as well if he is being touched as he does if he is left alone. I on the other hand am accustomed to, and enjoy, sleeping intertwined with my bed partner. For my entire marriage, even during the rockiest parts, it has been rare for us to sleep without at least some part of our bodies touching each other. I find it difficult to sleep without that and rarely sleep well alone.
For the last few weeks I’ve been trying to wean myself away from needing that touch, partly because it will be gone once I’m living on my own after the separation and partly because I know I will not get it back once BJ and I are together. To BJ’s credit, he is trying really hard too to change his ways and to accept being close when sleeping with me, not that we’ve had that many chances but after four nights together we’ve slept my way once (he didn’t sleep well) and his way three times (I didn’t sleep well two of the three nights). I find that when I’m with BJ I dread bedtime because I am so uncomfortable about it. He really values his sleep (as do we all I think), and I am so terribly afraid of waking him accidentally in the middle of the night because it is my nature to roll over and throw my arm over him to snuggle close. I am so afraid that I will do this that I barely sleep, and I am trying to train myself not to by not doing it with W. However, I often wake up after having gone to sleep totally separate from W, completely snuggled up behind him with my arm thrown over him. That’s why I’m afraid to sleep too soundly with BJ because I’m afraid the same thing will happen without me even being aware of it. In some ways this seems like such a small issue but in others it is just huge to me. I think I need to be patient and see if I can’t get myself more comfortable with sleeping alone.

The second issue is the one that most people would probably see as the bigger issue. I’m not sure that I see it as bigger. I just see it as another issue I need to work through in my head. This one is about sex, specifically about casual sex with other people. I want to be okay with it. I want to be fine with the fact that BJ loves me and still wants to have casual sex with other people. Truth be told, I am fine with it under certain circumstances. I’m fine with having casual sex with other people as a couple, swinging in other words. I’m fine as long as I’m there and part of the fun. I guess where I get less comfortable is doing it separately. I want to be okay with it. I want to trust completely that he’s out having a good time without it depriving me of anything. Yet there is a part of me that is not completely comfortable with it. I don’t want BJ to feel that he shouldn’t go and do the things he wants to do. I just want to help myself, somehow, to feel better about it. It isn’t as though it’s a one-sided thing. He is okay with me having casual sex with other people without his presence. So it isn’t as though he expects the rules to be different for him and for me. And truth be told, I have someone who wants to have sex with me on an occasional basis, but I had turned him down just assuming that BJ wouldn’t want me doing things like that. It never occurred to me to even ask until he asked me for permission for himself. And now, even with permission, I’m not sure I really want to have sex with this other person or whether I want to have sex with this other person as a way of making sure BJ isn’t getting anything more than I’m getting. Eeww, that sounds so petty. That’s what I hate about my feelings about this issue. I feel that I am being petty rather than loving and open. I want to be loving and open. BJ isn’t sneaking around, isn’t trying to do anything that would hurt me. I’m pretty sure if I asked him not to, he wouldn’t have sex with anyone but me. I don’t want to do that, though. I don’t want to ask that of him. I want him to have the freedom to do what he wants to do, and I want him to be able to be honest with me about those things. I just want to get myself more comfortable with it, and be okay with accepting that I may not WANT to have sex with others without BJ even if he does want to and does do so.

Almost tempted to shut off comments for this post just because I cringe at the thought of what the comments will be. Oh well. Have at it.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006