Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Still Stuck

There is simply nothing new to say. I'm still stuck. Still asking the same questions, still not coming up with answers.

Stuck.

Stuck.

Stuck.

Monday, January 29, 2007

By the Numbers

Saw this over on Cat's blog, and naturally I stole it. Actually, I probably stole it because I almost had a post all written in Word and then deleted it accidentally. Rather than tax my brain by thinking it up again I chose the easy way out.

10 Favorites
Favorite Color: Purple
Favorite Food: Lasagna
Favorite Month: April
Favorite Song: To the Morning by Dan Fogelberg
Favorite Movie: When Harry Met Sally
Favorite Sport: Basketball
Favorite Season: Spring
Favorite Day of the week: Saturday
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Chocolate Peanut Butter
Favorite Time of Day: Midnight

9 Currents
Current Mood: Melancholy
Current Taste: Eclectic
Current Clothes: Capris, sweater and slipper socks
Current Desktop: Illini “March to the Arch”
Current Toenail Color: Just plain old toenail color
Current Time: 7:31 pm
Current Surroundings: Family room with son watching “Ed, Edd & Eddie”
Current Thoughts: Concern about my future
Current Temperature: Outside-cold, Inside-comfy

8 Firsts
First Best Friend: Teri
First Kiss: Tom, 8th grade, on my front porch, totally freaked me out because he tried to use his tongue and I didn’t no nothin’ about no French kissin’ at the time.
First Screen Name: illinifan
First Pet: Gosh, We always had so many dogs I don’t remember which one was first
First Piercing: My ears, when I was a freshman in college. All part of my rebellion against my parents.
First Crush: Don’t remember his name, but he sat behind me in first grade
First CD: Refused to buy CDs for a long time, convinced they would go the way of 8-track tapes of which I owned many, but the first CD I bought when I finally gave in was one by the Judds.

7 Lasts
Last Cigarette: 1986 except for smoking one at a party in 1990. It was so awful I never craved another one.
Last Drink: Coffee
Last alcohol drink: Red wine with BJ the last time we were together
Last Car Ride: Home from work this evening
Last Kiss: J on January 5
Last Movie Seen: It’s been so long I can’t remember
Last Phone Call: BJ calling for our almost daily afternoon talk
Last CD Played: The Honest Truth by Robert Bittner

6 Have You Evers
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Guy/Girl Friends: No
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Yes
Have You Ever Been Arrested: No
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Yes
Have You Ever Been on TV: Yes, but only in the background
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Yes

5 Things
Thing You're Wearing: Burt’s Bees Lip Balm
Thing You've Done Today: Trained my supervisor so someone knows what to do after I’m gone
Thing You Can Hear Right Now: Clock ticking, dog licking himself
Thing You Can't Live Without: N
Thing You Do When You're Bored: Eat

4 Places You Have Been Today
1. Work
2. Store
3. Home
4. Restaurant

3 PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO
There aren’t three. There’s only one, BJ.

2 CHOICES
1. I choose to change jobs and move 200 miles away.
2. I choose to pursue a relationship with BJ and see where it takes us.

1 THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
See the Illini win the NCAA basketball championship, in person.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

I Lied

I said that very few people knew about what I shared with BJ the other day. Then I started thinking that I do believe I have mentioned it right here on my blog at some point. After a search, I found that I had indeed. So anyone who read this post is aware of it. See? You knew about it all along and just didn't know you knew about it.

If I get really, really brave I'll devote a whole post to the issue someday. Perhaps it will help me work through it.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Can't Stop Crying

I can't stop crying, and it's for a really dumb reason. I shared something with BJ last night, something that very very very few people know about me, something about which I am quite ashamed and embarassed. The reason I can't stop crying is because of how wonderful he was about it, how supportive and kind and absolutely nonjudgmental about it. It's been weighing quite heavily on my mind, and has me pretty well tied up in knots. It is something I have struggled with my entire adult life, and has caused immeasurable difficulties in my life. Yet, BJ said that he was honored that I felt comfortable enough with him to tell him about it.

So yes, I can't stop crying today because the most wonderful understanding man on the planet loves me. Lucky me.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Well Crap

Here's my horoscope for the day:

Romantic relationships take on a fairytale aura, dear Taurus, bringing up the kind of desire, passion, and sense of unity associated with Lancelot and Guinevere. Therefore, this should be a wonderful day to schedule an intimate evening with a romantic partner. You could feel so much in tune with your friend that you may come with the exact same words at the exact same time. Enjoy this wonderful feeling - but don't lose sight of reality.

And where is BJ? Why 400 miles away of course. Crap.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Stuck

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Why am I stuck? What is preventing me from getting off the fence and making a definitive decision, and moving forward in some direction? I think I’m starting to develop some answers. However, I’m not so much liking the answers, and I find myself fighting against them which I believe is what I’ve been doing all along just without realizing it.

Doing what is right is not always easy. I almost always look for, and choose, the easy way out of things. Choosing the easy path rather than the right path is not the answer for long term happiness. I have spent most of my adult life choosing the easy path. Hence I find myself in the mess I’ve made for myself. Had I been faithful to following the right path rather than the easy path, my life could have been much different. Truth be told, following the “easy” path has, in many ways, made my life more difficult than was necessary. Many times in life I have failed to make any choice at all which in and of itself makes the choice for me.

I just let life flow past me as I wait for. . . what? What am I waiting for? A lot of it is certainty. I want to know for sure that I’m making the right choice. I don’t want to look back and see another wrong choice made so I put off making choices for fear of making the wrong one. Fear is a big factor, not only fear of making a bad choice, but fear of the unknown. Again I’m looking for certainty. I want to know for sure how it’s going to turn out before I make the choice. But guess what? There are no guarantees in life, no way to know for sure how things will turn out. So I wait, wait to make the choice until there is no longer a choice to be made because the opportunity has passed, and others have made their own choices, and I am left to deal with the consequences of others’ choices so that I can have someone else to blame when things turn out poorly.

So here are the questions I need to answer for myself before I make that big choice to leave W permanently, or to stay with him:
1. How much risk am I willing to take that N will be negatively impacted by the divorce vs. the negative impact of staying with parents who have a strained relationship?
2. How much risk am I willing to take that I may regret not staying with W and caring for him for the remainder of his life?
3. How much risk am I willing to take that I may regret not pursuing my own happiness by staying with W?
4. Will I be able to live with my conscience if I abandon a man who professes to love me and need me?
5. Would I be willing to leave W if I did not have someone else to turn to, if the choice were between being with W or being alone?
6. How willing am I to work on reconciliation with W?
7. How willing am I to accept that life with W would mean choosing to be celibate or choosing to continue with clandestine affairs?
8. Given that I have seen W making efforts to improve how he deals with N, am I willing to risk that relationship to pursue my own happiness?
9. Can I make the choice to stay without continuing to agonize over it, question it, have this same crisis in my head repeatedly?

I see one choice that I could make, to leave W, as a selfish one. It would be a choice that I feel like would be saying my happiness comes before all others, and to hell with the impact it has on other people. I see the other choice that I could make, to stay with W, as a selfless one. It would be a choice that I feel like would be saying that I value other things more than my own happiness. It would say that I value the vows that I took, that I really do take seriously the commitments I make. As I write this I realize it all comes back to seeing one choice as bad and wrong even though it is what I really want to do and the other choice as good and right even though it brings tears to my eyes when I consider resigning myself to it. Which choice can I live with?

Friday, January 19, 2007

Analyzing My Wedding Vows

The following are not necessarily the exact wedding vows used in my wedding. Honest to goodness, I don't remember all that much about the ceremony itself other than how short it was and how far different (just us in a cheesy Reno chapel) it was from the wedding about which I had dreamed my entire life. However, I found the following traditional wedding vows on a website, and they are close enough to our actual ceremony for this purpose. The purpose being that as I struggle with the conflict between obligation vs. desire and duty vs. wants, I decided to really take a look at the vows and do a little analysis for myself to see if I could further clarify things for myself. Join me, won't you, in this little exercise. Let's see what we find.

MINISTER:

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God – and in the face of this company – to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is commended to be honorable among all men; and therefore – is not by any – to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. [Did we enter into it reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly? No, I entered out of fear, the desire to have the security of having a man to take care of me, but certainly not reverently or solemnly. I certainly was doing it against the advice of others and truth be told against the advice of my own conscience.] Into this holy estate these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
[I'll be honest that I don't know whether that last sentence was used at all in our vows since there was nobody at our wedding besides us, the minister and two witnesses - the chapel owner and the "limo" driver. Who would've objected?]

Marriage is the union of husband and wife in heart, body and mind. [We are certainly not united in heart, body or mind now. I'm not sure we ever were in mind although we probably were at some point in heart and certainly we were in body for the first few years] It is intended for their mutual joy – and for the help and comfort given on another in prosperity and adversity. [Mutual joy? Haven't had much of that in several years. We have helped and comforted one another in many times of adversity and some in prosperity, but we don't much anymore.] But more importantly – it is a means through which a stable and loving environment may be attained. [For years we had a stable environment, and for a few of those a loving one too but we've lost that somewhere.]

Through marriage, GROOM'S NAME and BRIDE'S NAME make a commitment together to face their disappointments – embrace their dreams – realize their hopes – and accept each other’s failures. GROOM'S NAME and BRIDE'S NAME will promise one another to aspire to these ideals throughout their lives together – through mutual understanding – openness – and sensitivity to each other. [I don't actually remember this being said at our wedding, but even if it was, we have found a way to pretty well ignore all that is included in this paragraph.]

We are here today – before God – because marriage is one of His most sacred wishes – to witness the joining in marriage of GROOM'S NAME and BRIDE'S NAME. This occasion marks the celebration of love and commitment with which this man and this woman begin their life together. And now – through me – He joins you together in one of the holiest bonds. [It is the holiness of the bond that gives me such guilt as I contemplate destroying it.]

Who gives this woman in marriage to this man?


BRIDE’S FATHER OR ESCORT:

Her family and friends gathered here today do.

[Skipped this part entirely since nobody attended.]


MINISTER:

This is a beginning and a continuation of their growth as individuals. With mutual care, respect, responsibility and knowledge comes the affirmation of each one’s own life happiness, growth and freedom. With respect for individual boundaries comes the freedom to love unconditionally. Within the emotional safety of a loving relationship – the knowledge self-offered one another becomes the fertile soil for continued growth. With care and responsibility towards self and one another comes the potential for full and happy lives. [Not sure either of us really took the care or responsibility to realize that potential.]

By gathering together all the wishes of happiness and our fondest hopes for GROOM'S NAME and BRIDE'S NAME from all present here, we assure them that our hearts are in tune with theirs. These moments are so meaningful to all of us, for “what greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined together – to strengthen each other in all labor – to minister to each other in all sorrow – to share with each other in all gladness. [Were are souls ever joined together? Maybe for a while, certainly not now nor for several years. Do we strengthen each other, minister to each other, share with each other? No, no, and no. Sad, but true.]

This relationship stands for love, loyalty, honesty and trust, but most of all for friendship. Before they knew love, they were friends, and it was from this seed of friendship that is their destiny. Do not think that you can direct the course of love – for love, if it finds you worthy, shall direct you. [OMG, not one of the above words -- love, loyalty, honesty, trust, friendship -- describes what W and I have at this point. Particularly those middle three are gone, long gone.]

Marriage is an act of faith and a personal commitment as well as a moral and physical union between two people. Marriage has been described as the best and most important relationship that can exist between them. It is the construction of their love and trust into a single growing energy of spiritual life. It is a moral commitment that requires and deserves daily attention. Marriage should be a life long consecration of the ideal of loving kindness – backed with the will to make it last. [Wow. Boy, we blew this in a big way. We didn't pay attention to the commitment on a regular basis, and certainly not a daily basis. Loving kindness plays very little role in our relationship. I certainly don't have the will to make it last, and while W claims to have that will, he certainly doesn't act that way.]


Exchange of Vows


MINISTER TO GROOM:

Do you GROOM'S NAME take BRIDE'S NAME to be your wife – to live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live? [I don't know what to say here. I'm sure that W would say he has done every single one of these things. Obviously I wouldn't agree, but why argue?]


GROOM:

I will.


MINISTER TO BRIDE:

Do you BRIDE'S NAME take GROOM'S NAME to be your husband – to live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon him your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto him as long as you both shall live? [For years I tried to live up to these vows. For many years I did my best to follow all of these. We've had sickness and health and I hung in there. We've had more money and less, and I've done my share and more to keep our heads above water. We've had great times, joy beyond measure, and we've had bad times, sadness heavier than I would have thought bearable, and through many years I was a trooper and hung with W through thick and thin, but not in the last year. Cherish him, bestow my heart's deepest devotion on him, keep myself only unto him? Up until the last year I did. But no more. I gave up.]


BRIDE:

I will.

[We had no rings at the time of our wedding so the following was not part of our ceremony.]
Exchange of Wedding Rings

MINISTER:

What token of your love do you offer? Would you place the ring(s) in my hand?

May this/these ring(s) be blessed as the symbol of this affectionate unity. These two lives are now joined in one unbroken circle. Wherever they go – may they always return to one another. May these two find in each other the love for which all men and women year. May they grow in understanding and in compassion. May the home which they establish together be such a place that many will find there a friend. May this/these ring(s) on her/their finger(s) symbolize the touch of the spirit of love in their hearts.


Handing ring to the Groom


MINISTER TO GROOM:

GROOM'S NAME, in placing this ring on BRIDE'S NAME finger, repeat after me: BRIDE'S NAME), you are now consecrated to me as my wife from this day forward and I give you this ring as the pledge of my love and as the symbol of our unity and with this ring, I thee wed.



Handing ring to the Bride


MINISTER TO BRIDE:

BRIDE'S NAME, in placing this ring on GROOM'S NAME finger, repeat after me: GROOM'S NAME, you are now consecrate to me as my husband from this day forward and I give you this ring as the pledge of my love and as the symbol of our unity and with this ring, I thee wed.


Pronouncement


MINISTER:

May you always share with each other the gifts of love – be one in heart and in mind – may you always create a home together that puts in your hearts – love – generosity and kindness.

In as much as GROOM'S NAME and BRIDE'S NAME have consented together in marriage before this company of friends and family and have pledged their faith – and declared their unity by giving and receiving a ring – are now joined.

You have pronounced yourselves husband and wife but remember to always be each other’s best friend. [Oops, well we seem to have forgotten that part.]

What – therefore – God has joined together – let no man put asunder. [I think most think of this as others interfering in the marriage, but it also applies to the husband and wife. I think W and I have both done things to put this marriage asunder.]

And so, by the power vested in me by the State of ______ and Almighty God, I now pronounce you man and wife – and may your days be good and long upon the earth.

You may now kiss the bride. [Yeah, we kissed at the end of the wedding. We did not have sex on our wedding night. I teased W about it at the time that of all times not to want sex his wedding night seemed to be a strange time. Maybe I should have paid just a bit more attention to that. Maybe it wasn't a laughing matter. Even then.]

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Sinners

I received this via email this week. It was part of a periodic (weekly I think) email that is sent out from a church I attended as a visitor one Sunday a few years ago. Bless them for allowing me to stay on their emailing list for so long. I don't always read much of the emails, sometimes barely any at all, but the headline of this one "Sinners" caught my eye. So I share the following with you. Take it or leave it as you choose.

But when the teachers of religious law who were Pharisees saw Jesus eating with tax collectors and other sinners, they asked his disciples, "Why does he eat with such scum?" When Jesus heard this, he told them, "Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners" (Mark 2:16-17).

This story has always amazed me. Jesus is being criticized by the religious leaders for hanging out with the sinners, or as they called them, the "scum." Jesus heard their complaints and responded by reminding them of his mission, not to help those who think they have their act together, but those who don't.

There was a time in my life when I thought I had my life all put together. Since I didn't feel like a sinner, why would Jesus want to meet with me? Then, as the years have passed, and seasons of brokenness, I have come realize that I am a sinner, saved by grace. While I have my good moments, I know that I don't always trust God like I should. I know God has claimed me as his child, but I still slip into thoughts and actions not fitting for a child of God.

The Lord wants to remind you and me that we are both "saints" and "sinners" all at the same time. We want to trust in Jesus, but like barnacles on the bottom of a ship, sin keeps trying to attach to us and drag us down. That's why each and every one of us need Jesus--his forgiveness, his healing, his strength, his guidance.

We have a new kitten in our house. Most of the time he is good. But sometimes he gets too full of himself, and thinks he can take over as 'the big cat on campus.' Our much older, wiser and much bigger cat simply swats at him with his big brown paw, and suddenly the kitten remembers his place.

In this story Jesus took a gentle "swat" at the religious leaders to remind them that no matter who we think we are, each and every one of us needs the mercy of God through Jesus. We are all sick, needing the Healer. We each are sinners in need of God's grace.

Take a moment to humble yourself and confess to the Lord how much you need his help and forgiveness today. Come join the rest of us sinners and meet Jesus this weekend at worship!

Blessings,

Pastor Paul


That's it. I'll add nothing to it nor expound upon it in any way. As I said before, take it or leave it as you choose.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Weekend Idiocy

I'm such an idiot; I did the stupidest thing last weekend.
Last weekend with the power outage we, W, N and I, stayed with my parents at their house where they had power, and therefore, heat. While there, W and I shared a bed for the first time in a while. When W and I were sleeping in the same bed at my parents' house I actually tried to get some action. How pathetic is that? Of course I was completely unsuccessful. I felt guilty that I even tried with him. I don't know what I was thinking other than I was lonely and he was a warm body. I should have been stronger and not let my physical urges overtake my good sense because it gives him the wrong message. So I feel stupid, and I feel bad, and I feel like it was a betrayal of BJ, and I feel guilty. I don't want to do things like that, giving W the message that I still want him. Later, I'll bet he'll throw it in my face as "proof" that I must still love him or I wouldn't have done it. In truth it had much more to do with horniness than love. I didn't feel good, and I was just looking for comfort. It was really stupid because it isn't very comforting to be ignored which of course is what happened. He completely ignored me rubbing him on the back and chest and even when I reached under his pajamas. So I gave up and later wondered what on earth I was thinking.

Maybe I had a fever with my cold. . .
or temporary insanity hit. . .
or gremlins took over my body and made me do it. . .
Yeah that's the ticket, gremlins. Yeah, those gremlins are nasty little things.

It's just hard (no pun intended) when you're horny, and there's a warm body next to you even if it isn't the body you'd like to have next to you. I had a weak moment. More proof to add to the ever growing plethora of evidence that I am indeed human, imperfect, not the angel my parents raised me to be.

I so look forward to that day in the future when BJ and I are together. Then I won't have to turn to warm bodies that don't want me. I don't even remember what it's like to live with someone who actually wants to have sex with me or even look me in the eye.

And I will no longer feel compelled to try to initiate sex with someone I really don't even want to have sex with. And we'll all live happily ever after. Amen.

Busy Days

The last week has been very busy. Lots going on and not just getting and accepting the job offer.

THURSDAY
Started like any other day during the first half of January, very busy getting entries finished for month end close. Managed to almost meet the noon deadline and posted the final entries around 12:45. Whew! Then it was time to start worrying about my first ever in my life appointment with a pyschiatrist. Although I've been on antidepressants they were prescribed by my family physician. Although I see a therapist on a weekly basis and W and I see a marriage counselor on a weekly basis, I still felt like there was a piece missing in the whole mental health picture. I didn't feel confident that the family doctor was really hearing me when I talked about my mental problems. So I went to a psychiatrist Thursday. She annoyed me more than helped me I think. Then again, maybe she annoyed me because she could see through me. I'm not sure.

Here's what the pyschiatrist had to say, after hearing my story (I left out all my "extracurricular activities" from my story):
1. I am not so much suffering from depression as an anxiety disorder.
2. I need an increased dosage of the medication I've been taking for depression (it is also used for anxiety)
3. I need to resume exercising on a regular basis.
4. I need to have more sex with W. (Yes, she really did suggest this as being a significant help to my situation.)
5. W and I should focus less in our counseling sessions on the child rearing issues and more on the sexual issues.

Well, alrighty then. I left her office unhappy, frustrated, not at all ready to follow some of that advice. I walked out to my car and promptly put the whole shrink visit behind me because the little red light was lit on my cell phone.

I checked to see who called. "Unknown" it said, but there was a voicemail message. I called voicemail and listened. It was the HR lady at the new job company. She left her phone # and asked me to call. That was all, no indication of whether this would be the offer or not. So sitting in my car in the parking lot at the medical office I called her back. She tells me they are preparing to offer the job but need just a bit more information. They need permission to call my current employer to verify employment. I think for a moment, ask for reassurance that as long as the verification checks out there is definitely an offer. She assures me that there is so I give her permission to contact the HR department at the current job. She also explains to me the process of the required pre-employment health appraisal that must be completed before I can be officially hired. The health appraisal is to be done by their doctors so I will have to make another trip up there soon.

Back at work, I wonder how this is all going to turn out. Do I give notice before I know I've passed the physical? If I do, I run the risk that some problem I don't know I have will be discovered in the process, and I won't be hired. Well, if that happens I can always temp until I find a permanent position. If I don't, I'll have to lie again to take a day off of work to head back up there. That doesn't feel good to me. I decide to think it over overnight before I make the decision of which way to proceed with the resignation. I finally decided to hell with it. I'm giving notice.

FRIDAY
Woke up feeling strongly that resigning is the right thing to do. It is what I've wanted to do for a while, and with a job offer, even if it isn't 100%, I really want to go ahead and get out. I call HR at the new job to set up the health appraisal, and schedule it for Tuesday. I print out the letter of resignation I had composed a couple of days before. My supervisor asks me that morning if we can sit down and have my annual review that afternoon. I say yes knowing I'll give notice when we sit down for the review making the review a moot point. At the "review" I hand her the letter, apologize for giving notice at such a bad time for her and the company, and we discuss the redistribution of my work. It goes more smoothly than I had feared.

That evening at the therapist's office I talk about the new job. I don't know why, but I always find that she can bring me down. Yes, I realize that by changing jobs, by moving three hours away, I'm not solving all my problems. But dang, I very carefully looked at this new job. I didn't accept just anything that came my way this time. This time I looked for, and found, a job that is a very good fit for my skills, talents and interests. It is with a company that is similar in many ways to one where I worked before and where I enjoyed working. I am moving to a city already known to me and one that I specifically targeted. I have lived there before, and for many years have wished I could return. So while I do realize that I have a history of running away from things, I feel that this move is different. I feel that I am moving TOWARD something, not just AWAY from something. So yes, I am in some senses getting away from certain things that make me uncomfortable, but my focus as not been on the getting away as much as the moving toward. Or am I just sitting here trying to rationalize all this for myself?

Well, that's where I'll drop this for now. The weekend was a blur of being miserable from a bad cold and sore throat and dealing with the power being out.

Monday, January 15, 2007

How People Can Turn Their Backs on Their Family

I was readingthis post over at Finished Last's blog and a comment was made from someone regarding not understanding how people can take off and turn their backs on their families.

I feel uniquely qualified to speak to this issue because I did just that when I was in my mid-20's. I will not try to justify it, but will try to explain it. I have written about it before in my other blog here. The pertinent excerpt from that post follows:
At the same time, I followed [W] to his next assignment and ended all contact with my family and friends, including [J] and [Kurt]. What was I thinking? How could I do this? I believe I was running scared. I knew that I had pushed the boundaries beyond what anyone I knew and cared about would see as acceptable. I had done unthinkable things: taken up with a married man, a much older married man with children older than I, broken up his marriage, quit my job to be with him. Nobody could possibly understand those choices. I’m not sure I understood those choices. So I chose to disappear with no forwarding address.

I believe that there are times when people grow up in "good families" that are so "good" that they forget how to be loving and accepting or at least they forget to let their kids in on the fact that they can be loving and accepting. The pressure is on to be "good" to "behave" to "stay in line" and "not cause trouble." The parents may publicly praise their children for being such good kids, and tell the kids how proud they are. The kid (even as a grownup) hears this, internalizes it, thinks that if only the parents knew how bad the kid really was they couldn't possibly be loved. That's where I was. I made lots of mistakes (still do). I couldn't manage perfection. Yet I felt that perfection was the standard by which I was measured. So I left.

Eventually, I came back, but it took many years, and I am still defensive with my parents. There are still topics that remain off limits. I simply will not discuss with them my many "failures" in life -- being overweight, passing the CPA exam but not becoming licensed, marrying a divorced man almost 3 decades older than I.

I don't know if this helps anyone understand why some people run (and by no means do I think that is the only reason). I do know that I tell N often that no matter what kind of screw ups may happen I will always love him and care about him. I try to instill in him high standards but not expectations that he has to be perfect all the time.

And in case you hadn't noticed, this particular topic hit a real hot button for me.

Still Alive

Yes, I'm still alive and kicking.

HOWEVER, we have no power at our house. We're living with my parents until the power comes back. They live in the dark ages -- no microwave, no internet access, old rotary phone -- so I'm just not able to update my blog or read others or even heat a quick cup of coffee. (I'm writing this quick post from work.) Hopefully, power will be restored soon. It's been out since Friday night. I'm getting grumpy. I started a long post on Friday before the power went out and look forward to finishing it.

Hope my readers are in better shape than I am.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I'm Not Sure W Would Agree

While trying to get my mind off of real life, I wandered back over to Blogthings and took a couple of quizzes. Somehow I don't think W would see me as sensitive anymore, nor would he think that I'm only 50% bad.

Guys Like That You're Sensitive

And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way
You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to
Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets
No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!


You Are a Normal Girl

You are 50% Good and 50% Bad
Sure you've pulled some bad girl stunts in your past.
But these days, you're (mostly) a good girl.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

I Must Blog This or My Head Will Explode

I sort of almost kind of am sure that I am going to get an offer on THE JOB.

The headhunter through whom I am working contacted me this morning, TWICE. He assures me that as soon as they've reached and spoken with the last of my references an offer is on the way. Okay, they want me a bit sooner than I'd originally planned, but fine I can deal with that. The salary is about an 8% increase over what I'm making now, and in a bit lower cost of living area, so that part is good.

Life is good. I think. Well, I'm almost kind of sure anyway.

How often is polite to call people serving as references to encourage them to return calls from potential employers in a timely manner? Hmm. . .

Why has sitting still suddenly become such a monumentally difficult task?

Breathe, just breathe. In. . . out. . . in. . . out. . . in. . . out. . .

Monday, January 08, 2007

Gibberish

So many thoughts rolling around in my head. So many emotions flowing through my body. So much, so much, too much. Sensory overload. Brainwave overload. Thinking too much. Concentration nil. No focus, no ability to stay on topic. It's all a jumble. Too fast. Everything running through my brain is too fast. Too slow. Everything in real life is happening too slowly. Need to breathe. Need to focus. Need to slow down my brain. Need to live in the now rather than the future or the past. Need to work through feelings of guilt, of inadequacy, that feeling of never, ever being good enough and not knowing how to make myself good enough. Or is it that I am unwilling to do the things it takes to make myself good enough? Am I unwilling to eat junk food only in moderation? Am I unwilling to exercise? Am I unwilling to make the sacrifice of staying in my marriage to make others happy and meet the obligations of my vows? Am I too weak to ever do the right thing, the moral thing, the good thing? Can I be happy with myself if I give in to temptation? Can I be happy with myself if I sacrifice myself for others' happiness and wellbeing? Is there any point to all this gibberish? Stop! Stop! Stop! I want to get off now please. I have tired of this ride. Stop now please. Just stop.

This is So Very Me I Just Had to Share

You are a Brainy Girl!

Whether you're an official student or a casual learner, you enjoy hitting the books.
You know a little bit about everything, and you're always dying to know more.
For a guy to win your heart, he's got to share some of your intellectual interests.
A awesome book collection of his own doesn't hurt either!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Time for a New Poll, but

The blogger gods are not smiling on me. I've tried several times to post a new poll, but it's not working so I give up. I'll just report the results of the last poll and maybe if I'm feeling up to it I'll post another sometime in the future.

Last week's poll gathered a plethora of responses. Oh wait. No it didn't. Only a handful of people responded. Apparently my polls are getting boring.

Full results from the last poll:
Do you make resolutions, and do you try to keep them? [10 votes total]

I make resolutions and definitely work hard at keeping them (0) 0%
I make resolutions and sort of try to keep them (3) 30%
I make resolutions but have little intention of keeping them (2) 20%
I make resolutions with no intention of keeping them (0) 0%
Nope, I don't make resolutions (5) 50%

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Road Trip!


Well, I just spent the last couple of days on a road trip that very well may represent a big turning point in my life.

If you pay attention to things in my sidebar you know that I had a job interview on Friday. I sure did. I had an interview for a job that would be doing the type of work I would absolutely love in an industry in which I prefer to work. The kicker is that this company is located about three hours away from where I currently live. The big kicker is that the location of this company is someplace I've wanted to live for the longest time but had just about given up on ever getting back to. So how did this interview go? GREAT!! I loved them. They loved me. I felt like I would fit in there very, very well. They felt the same. The supervisor for the position said that he anticipated that they will get back to me with an offer next week. Now, there isn't a guarantee that there will be an offer, but I really have a good feeling about this. Oh yes I do. I'm already planning my resignation letter although of course I won't actually resign until I know that I have a new job waiting for me.

Now, because the interview was three hours away and the interview was with multiple people over a five hour period they put me up in a hotel, a very nice hotel, the night before. Earlier this week, J had asked me via email if I could spend the day with him either this Friday or next Monday. I emailed back that no, I couldn't, but that I had this interview and if he wanted to tag along I'd love to have the company. I didn't really he'd take me up on it, but was kind of hoping he would so I'd have somebody to talk to on the drive up and back not to mention the bit of fun we might be able to have together. Lo and behold, Thursday morning J calls me and asks when and where to meet me for our trip. I was thrilled! I love a fun, whacky road trip and with goofball J, fun and whacky was pretty much guaranteed. I also thought it would be a good chance for us to have a nice long talk and make sure we were both on the same page of being just friends with benefits rather than anything more. We set up time and place to meet up. I spent the rest of the workday anticipating my next adventure.

After work on Thursday, I had a quick dinner at a local restaurant with W and N, kissed and hugged N goodbye, and away I went. I drove to the designated location and picked up J, and away we went, driving off into. . . into what? I didn't know, but I was feeling a breezy freedom that I seldom feel in my life, like I was just doing what I wanted when I wanted, not something I often get to do. J was his typical goofball self for the entire trip up to our destination, cracking jokes, telling stories, laughing. A couple times he did ask if I was serious about this job because it would put me a lot farther away from him. I told him yes, I am very serious about it. Other than that though we had no serious discussions that night.

We got to the hotel, checked in and went up to the room. It was a beautiful room and very comfortable. I made the obligatory "I made it safely" call to W. Then J and I spent a fairly good time in bed. J just isn't the best lover in the world, but it was okay. We had a good time. He brought me to orgasm twice manually before flipping me over and taking me from behind and having a really strong orgasm himself. We then snuggled together and went to sleep.

The next morning, we woke up early enough that I had time to give him a good blowjob and he came again. It did occur to me that at no time when we've been together has he ever gone down on me, and it's feeling more and more one-sided every time we're together. Okay, okay, I know we're just FWBs but geez could we be a little more reciprocal here? Seems fair to me. Oh well.

Anyway, we got dressed, checked out of the hotel, went to breakfast, and then to my interview. I let J have my car for the time while I was in the interview so he could go do whatever he wanted. As I said before the interview went really, really well. Afterwards, J was waiting in the parking lot for me. I got in, and we started our three hour drive back home.

On the drive home, I told J how the interview went. He was starting to really think about what this all meant, and starting to really get that there's probably not a future for him and me. He asked me lots of questions, pointed questions about my future, my intentions, my relationship with BJ. I answered him really honestly. I saw tears in his eyes at one point. I knew I was hurting him, but I also knew that it wouldn't make things any better to lie about it. J needs to really get it, and I think he does now. BJ called on my cell phone to see how the interview went about the time J and I were finishing our discussion, and I think that kind of sealed it up for J as to what his role is in my life. He got real quiet after that. Finally after a long time we talked some more, and this time he was the one that brought tears to my eyes. He wasn't trying to make me feel bad, but just giving me advice on some things, some good advice really about getting honest with everybody, including myself.

We stopped for dinner, then I dropped him off at his car, and drove home. When I got home I was exhausted. I sat and watched TV with N for a bit, and he and I both fell asleep. W woke us and put N to bed, and I went to bed.

All in all, a pretty good road trip.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Looking to the Stars Again

Ever the thief of good blog material I snagged this off of Desperate Husband. It is a list of recommended resolutions based on your astrological sign.

Taurus:
(April 20 - May 20)
1) Resolve to let go of the personal duties that have had you tied down for far too long. Like taking care of W?
2) Aim to have some fun (you remember that, right?) with an intimate companion. Oh yeah, I'm aiming to have me some fun with BJ.
3) In spring, resolve to look into good, solid investments. Because I'll have a new job with an adequate salary to require me to invest some of it?
4) Take your special someone on a romantic vacation. BJ, this is looking good for you darling.
5) If all goes well, talk about settling down by this time next year. Talk about it by this time next year? Ok. Settle down by this time next year? That might be rushing things just a bit.

If you would like to see what resolutions you ought to make for your sign click here for the link.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Music for All of Us -- UPDATED

Heard this one on the radio yesterday and thought of BJ.

"Time In A Bottle"

(As recorded by Jim Croce)
JIM CROCE

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day 'til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you.

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure and then
Again I would spend them with you.

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go thru time with.

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty except for the mem'ry of how
They were answered by you.

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go thru time with.

(c) Copyright 1971 by Blendingwell Music, Inc. For U.S.A. & Canada:
(c) Copyright 1971 by Blindingwell Music, Inc. and Wingate Music
Corp. c/o Publishers' Licensing Corporation, 40 West 55th Street,
New York, N.Y. 10019.
*********************************************************

This one was running through my head today and reminded me of W.

Morning Sky

DAN FOGELBERG

You and I were lovers all along
We had a good thing going strong and never doubted
Lately, I feel changes comin' on
I know that I will soon be gone and you don't even want to talk about it
Ooh, and it makes me stop and wonder why
People give their hearts and turn around and say goodbye
If there's something on your mind you better say it while there's time
'Cause I'm leavin' when I see that morning sky
Ooh, how did we ever come to this
There's nothing for me in your kisses anymore
Late nights in the kitchen I'm pretending I still care
But we both know there's nothing there
And you just keep on starin' at the door
Ooh, and it makes me stop and wonder why
People give their hearts and turn around and say goodbye
If there's something on your mind you better say it while there's time
'Cause I'm leavin' when I see that morning sky
Ooh, and it makes me stop and wonder why
People give their hearts and turn around and say goodbye
If there's something on your mind you better say it while there's time
'Cause I'm leavin' when I see that morning sky
You and I were lovers all along
We had a good thing going strong and never doubted
Lately, I feel changes comin' on
I know that I will soon be gone and you don't even want to talk about it
Ooh, and it makes me stop and wonder why
People give their hearts and turn around and say goodbye
If there's something on your mind you better say it while there's time
'Cause I'm leavin' when I see that morning sky
See that morning sky
*********************************************************

Then while I was looking for the lyrics for that last one I ran across one of my all time favorites, one that I would like to represent me.

There's A Place In The World For A Gambler

DAN FOGELBERG

There's a place in the world for a gambler
There's a burden that only he can bear
There's a place in the world for a gambler
And he sees...oh, yes he sees...
And he sees...oh, yes he sees...
There's a song in the heart of a woman
That only the truest of loves can release
There's a song in the heart of a woman
Set it free...oh, set it free
Set it free...oh, set it free
Set it free...oh, set it free
There's a light in the depths of your darkness
There's a calm at the eye of every storm
There's a light in the depths of your darkness
Let it shine...oh, let it shine
Let it shine...oh, let it shine
Let it shine...oh, let it shine
Let it shine

Monday, January 01, 2007

2006 In Review


Saw this over at Serenity's blog, My Reinventions, and promptly stole it for myself because that's just the kind of person I am.

Everywhere you go there are Year in Review articles. Well, this is not the time for me to pull my head out of my ass, so here's my year in review:

Best thing to happen to me: Finding out that I am not completely unlovable as I had believed for so long.

Worst thing to happen to me: Falling down the black hole of depression.

Worst decision: Thinking I could live like roommates with husband. Uh, no. All that did was prolong the inevitable. [yes, this is the exact same thing Serenity said, but the answer fit so well I kept it]

Best decision: Deciding to pursue a little happiness for myself.

Event I feel most warm and fuzzy about: Attending parent/child camp with N last summer because we are bonded as closely as a mom and son could be and enjoyed every minute of that camp.

Event I feel most annoyed about: H wasting my time last summer.

Thing that disappoints me the most: Not having the guts to kick W's ass to the curb once and for all.

Thing I'm proudest of: Surviving this past year without doing bodily harm to anyone.

One thing I'd change: I'd become more assertive.

One thing I wouldn't change: My love for BJ.

Fuck You 2007

Crap. I had a really negative, nasty post written, and I accidentally deleted it. The following is probably not nearly as ascerbic as the original


I am starting the new year in a funk. It may be caused, or at least helped along, by side effects of a new medication I'm taking, but I'm not sure. What I do know is that I'm touchy, and angry, and antisocial, and just generally grumpy. I want everyone to leave me alone. I want everyone to shut up. I want everyone to just go away.

I need such an attitude adjustment right now. Even the thing that generally provides me with comfort and happiness, chatting online with BJ, was not good last night. Or I should say I was not good last night. I was a bitch. I was touchy. I finally realized how awful I was being and told him I better chat another time.

N spent the night with my parents so at least he has been spared most of my yucky mood. W is still in the house and has said nothing about when, or even if, he will be leaving. Go away W! Go away! Now if I could just say that to his face.


Oh, and by the way, Happy New Year.