Tuesday, November 30, 2010

And the Month Just Slipped Away

I really wanted to write something but didn’t know what to write so I stole me a meme. I figured answering questions would be a good way to get my creative juices flowing again.

1. Lots of pillows or just one? Describe your pre-sleeping rituals.
Well, really this is a two parter. For the pillow part – lots. Lots and lots and lots. You can never have too many pillows. If you start to think you have too many pillows you are mistaken. You probably have a person or pet in bed with you that needs to sleep elsewhere to make room for your pillows. Now on to the pre-sleeping rituals. Once in my bedroom I turn on the TV, set the sleep timer to 60 minutes, check the alarm to make sure it is set (or to make sure it is not set if I don’t have to get up early the next day), get undressed, put on my nightgown, climb into bed, turn off the light, snuggle down under the covers amidst my many pillows, fall asleep watching TV.

2. What kind of books do you read? All kinds, mostly novels.

3. What are your neighbors like? Well, there’s Gladys. She’s a pill. She needs to worry more about her own business and much, much less about mine. Then there’s everybody else, and they all are just anonymous people whom I don’t know well. More’s the pity.

4. What's really creepy to you? Spiders, guys who get too close when talking to me, and anybody or anything too reminiscent of Michael Myers from the Halloween movies.

5. What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction? Angry Birds. I keep running the battery down on my cell phone playing Angry Birds.

6. Do you prefer your junk food sweet, salty or savory? Yes.

7. What was the last thing you expensive bought? (This was how I found the question worded. Awkward. I think though they are asking for the last thing I bought that was expensive, at least that’s how I’m answering it.) A new 40-something inch plasma TV.

8. What is your greatest fear? Not being liked

9. Do you get cravings? YES!! If so, what do you crave? SEX!!!

10. What do you do to change your mood? Masturbate, shop, take a nap – not necessarily in that order

11. What was the last meal you ate that you loved? Thanksgiving dinner. It turned out the best I’ve made in a long time. It was great.

12. Do you want to learn another language? If so, why? Yes, so I can hablo con mi amigos y amigas de Mexico.

13. What's something that you'd like to say to someone right now? Fuck you

14. What are you looking forward to? Christmas


Well, that was quite unsatisfying, not a thing that caught my fancy enough to make me wax poetic. Sigh. . .

Monday, November 01, 2010

November Already?

Today is All Saints Day. I’m not Catholic so I don’t celebrate All Saints Day. I’m not particularly into Saints. Oh the New Orleans Saints are alright, but I’m not going to be praying to Saint Christopher, Saint Xavier, or even Saint Nicholas anytime soon.

Well, that had nothing whatsoever to do with today’s post, but it is a reflection of the rambling way my brain has been working lately. This may, in no small part, be due to my sporadic, at best, use of my happy pills lately.

Again, that was a bit of an aside apropos of nothing. Here then lets start with the real post.

I am sad. I am so very, very sad. People are dying all around me. Two of the older ladies in our church passed away within the last couple of months. Both were in their late 80s so perhaps their deaths should have come as little surprise. They did though because both of them seemed so healthy right up to when they weren’t anymore. Last week the mother of a friend died. She was in her mid-60s. This morning another member of our church died, and he also was only in his late 50s or early 60s. I feel like I’m just all cried out about all of it, and yet every now then the tears come again. Too many people dying all in a bunch. It’s ticking me off. Stop dying people.

On a lighter note however, TS2 moved in last month. Goodness, having her around is like a breath of fresh air. I have someone to talk to. I have someone who likes to help out around the house and insists on doing so in return for the outrageously low rent I’m charging her. She fixed a window last night that both BJ and W had attempted unsuccessfully. TS2 ain’t perfect. She talks a lot. Of course, we all have our flaws. Maybe I have on the rose colored glasses (I’ve been known to do that occasionally), but I am no less crushing on her than I was before she moved in.

There are times when I am so damned tempted to make a subtle move on her of some sort, but dang it I am no good at it. I am so much better at it with men than women, possibly just because I have more experience with men than women, but I think women are much harder to read than men. There are two kinds of men – men who will and men who won’t. All you have to do is hit on the ones who will and bingo! With women, who knows? Every one is different, complex, and completely unpredictable. With TS2 there are times I think she’d welcome my advances, but then there are other times when I think, no, she’s just a friend. Bleah. . . I’m pretty sure nothing will ever come of this little infatuation of mine. I’m pretty sure I’ll never make the move. What I just don’t know is if TS2 will make a move on me. I tend to think not. I tend to think she won’t because she will want to respect my “marriage” (using that term loosely).

Or one of these days in a weak moment, I’m gonna plant a kiss on her, and then I guess we’ll see what kind of fallout that causes.

Must exert self-control.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Silence Please!

How do you silence the voices in your head? I certainly am having difficulty with that lately and really have had for a very long time.

I even catch myself saying things out loud just like my dad used to when I was growing up. He’d be getting dressed in the morning for work and mutter to himself. Often I couldn’t make out what he was saying, but on the rare occasion when I could it would be something work related, something he needed to deal with that he was obviously working out in his mind. Now I do the same although much of the time when I mutter out loud it is to tell my coworkers, my parents, everyone I know (all of whom are in my head badgering me) to shut the fuck up or to leave me alone.

I hate that my inner voices constantly and consistently berate me for one thing or another. I really want them to shut up. I really want them to go away and leave me alone, leave me be and let me feel good about myself. Am I really never ever allowed to feel good about myself? Am I really so bad that there are no redeeming qualities about me? Really, voices? Can you not see that I am okay just as I am even if I have a few flaws here and there? Can you not see that I try hard? Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you say affirming things to me, things that will build me up rather than tear me down? You’re afraid, aren’t you, that if I start to feel too good about myself that I will get a big head and an ego that just won’t quit? You’re afraid if you don’t shoot me down I won’t work as hard because I won’t have to prove you wrong. Isn’t that it?

Well, voices, you have it all wrong. All you do is reinforce my feeling that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough, so then I feel that trying is all for nothing. Why try when I can never succeed anyway?

So voices, thanks so very much for your input, but now please shut up and go away.

SHUT
THE
FUCK
UP
AND
GO
THE
FUCK
AWAY!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Out One Door, In Another

Who’s out?
D. She quit.

She announced her resignation about a week and a half ago. I congratulated her, as is the appropriate thing to do. Then I went to the restroom and bawled. D was the one person that was making this job tolerable. Yes, I knew she was looking. Yes, I knew that eventually she would be gone. No, I didn’t know it would be so soon.

Ever since she announced her resignation she has been a different person. Apparently, once she knew she didn’t have to stay here much longer she didn’t need me as a friend anymore. She pulled away. She didn’t talk to me much. She didn’t work with me as easily as before. She had a chip on her shoulder that they didn’t pay her in lieu of having her stay the two weeks notice that she had given them. She wanted out. . . immediately. They wanted her here to make a smooth transition. She stayed. . . but she became minimally cooperative with everyone. . . including me. . . the one who was supposedly her friend. In retaliation, I pulled away. I barely gave her the time of day the last few days.

Today, she’s gone. She never said goodbye. She never told me she’d me miss me. She didn’t even tell me that yesterday was her last day instead of the originally planned last day later this week. She just told me she was leaving early yesterday. I only found out she was gone for good when Boss came around and shared the news with the rest of the department after she was gone.

So. . . good riddance D. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. What a bitch.


Who’s in?
TS2. She’s moving into my house next week.

She came over to look at the room, and the rest of the house, and to talk to me, W and N. I think we will all get along quite well. I think I’m just going to have to be very careful about my feelings about TS2. I could see my crush getting me into trouble in more ways than one. I could see it being awkward, oh so awkward between W and me if he found out about my crush. (It is, after all, quite different to say you’re fine with your wife being with another woman and having to actually live with it.) I could see TS2 feeling uncomfortable about me having a crush on her if she found out about my crush, particularly since W and I are still legally married. Also, I could see me getting jealous and depressed when she starts dating someone because it will be right there in front of me. And if I think about it I can envision dozens of other ways it could get me in trouble.

But. . . TS2 needs a place to stay, and I’ve got plenty of room in my house. And I can’t help but let my thoughts drift to a place where somehow TS and TS2 could end up together. What a dreamer.

Monday, October 11, 2010

It's Back: Sunday Stealing

I got tired of the Sunday Stealing memes for a while, and by invoking the age old adage about a woman's prerogative This week, I say with a shrug of my shoulders, I think I’ll give it another go. Just to cheer me up. . . and calm me down. . . and then maybe I’ll be able to tackle writing about why I need to be cheered up and calmed down.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? I hate my hair, my long scraggly graying hair.

2. How much cash do you have on you? About $40 bucks.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? Bore. (Not sure the point of that question. Whatever.)

4. Favorite planet? Earth, because I live here (most of the time)

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? The mystery number from Milwaukee that I never answer in spite of them calling at least once per day.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? The Illini fight song.

7. What shirt are you wearing? My lavender one with the little white dots

8. Do you label yourself? I don’t have a label maker

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing? Brand, really? You expect me to know a brand for shoes? They’re sandals for goodness sake. It’s not like they’re Converse Chuck Taylors or something.

10. Bright or Dark Room? What, that I like, that I’m in right now, what? I like a bright room, really bright with lots of natural light streaming through the windows. I’m currently sitting in a cubicle in the basement in a really brightly artificially lit room. Yuck, yuck, and yuck.

11. Did you do anything to celebrate John Lennon's 70th yesterday? He didn’t do anything to celebrate mine a few months ago so why should I?

12. What does your watch look like? A watch.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping. . . soundly

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? Can you make it on Sunday?

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? I have no idea and don’t really care

16. What’s a word that you say a lot? Whatever

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? N

18. Last furry thing you touched? My dog

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? None (don’t tell my Dr)

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? None

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 40

22. Your worst enemy? Myself

23. What is your current desktop picture (extra points if you post it.)? N’s soccer team after winning a tournament in September

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? “She’s been kind of out of sorts lately.”

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? This one’s easy. I’d choose a million bucks because I pretty much know what I’d do with it, and I’m not too sure what I’d do with the ability to fly other than hurt myself. Here’s how the million (assuming it’s a million after taxes) would be split:
  • $100,000 – divided among my church and a few local charities close to my heart
  • $100,000 – straight into N’s education savings account
  • $100,000 – payoff to W so I could be free of him at last
  • $100,000 – replenish my rainy day fund
  • $50,000 – house and landscape renovations
  • $30,000 – new car
  • $10,000 – legal fees and incidental expenses to get the divorce from W
  • $5,000 – payoff to BJ for the travel expenses he picked up for me while we were together (which was something I always felt bad about and feel even worse about given that we didn’t stay together)
  • $5,000 – vacation for N and me
  • That would leave $500,000 which would be invested in an annuity that would provide me with a monthly payout for the remainder of my life

Friday, October 08, 2010

Two Huge Crushes

I have two huge crushes right now. One is one of those celebrity-it’ll-never-come-to-anything crushes. The other is an honest to goodness real life person known to me personally through my social circle. (Now, how odd does that sound coming from such a social misfit like me, that I would have a social circle. Oddly enough, I do seem to be developing one here. Go figure.)

So first the frivolous one. Bret Michaels. OMG I am in absolute head-over-heels lust over him. I didn’t even know who he was until he was on Celebrity Apprentice. I think it’s the bad boy image combined with his gorgeous blue eyes and long blond hair that did me in first. Then it was his music. I just bought his latest CD, Custom Built and I just know he sings Lie to Me directly to me. Mmm. . . baby I’ll lie to you any day. Just drop on by.

Then to the real one. TS2, that’s what I’ll call her because her first name is the same as mine. I have had sort of a crush on her since I’ve known her the past couple of years. However, she was in a relationship which put her off limits to me. What’s that, you say? Never stopped me before? Oh, I know, but TS2 is different. If I had a relationship with her I didn’t want a physical only relationship but a real honest to goodness relationship. In other words, for one thing I couldn’t trust myself to keep it physical only and not fall for her in a big way, and for another thing I wouldn’t want to do or suggest anything that would cause her to think less of me and ruin any chance I might have with her at any time. So I’ve kept her (mostly) out of my mind in that way.

But now. . . now, I’m helping her with a project for an organization we both belong to, and while chatting she shares with me that she and her partner have broken up. Unfortunately, TS2 can’t afford to move out right now so she is still living in her ex’s house. (Somewhat parallel lives what with W living at my house and now that he’s being sued for the debt he wracked up while we were separated (yeah, that was nice when the police officer showed up at the door just last night to deliver that bad news) I am considering going ahead with the divorce to ensure that his debts don’t haunt me forevermore, meaning he would literally be an ex living in his ex’s house because he can’t afford to live elsewhere.) Anyway, TS2 is free now to do what she wants and see who she wants. My heart leapt a little as we talked about her situation. This was about a week ago. I have thought and thought about this for the past week, oh perhaps even obsessed just a bit. (Obsession – a little bad habit I have, though I probably needn’t mention that. You’ve probably noticed it in previous writings of mine)

So now I took a huge leap (in one way and yet in another it was more taking a subtle and non-committal leap that won’t put my heart at risk – just yet – maybe) and have offered to let TS2 rent a room in my house from me so that she can escape her awkward living situation. It isn’t as if we (W and I) haven’t rented rooms out before. We have – a few times – and for the most part I just have a the-more-the-merrier attitude about it. To me this would be not complicated at all if it weren’t for the crush I have on TS2 (and no, she doesn’t know or at least I don’t think she does) and if it weren’t for the way TS2 looks at me when she talks to me. (or am I reading more into what I see in her eyes just because I want it to be there?)

And really people, how complicated could this all get if TS2 and I did end up falling for each other? I know, really, really complicated. I know.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Top Ten Things I Learned by Having Pneumonia Last Week

10. There are approximately 4.2 million judges with their own courtroom TV shows.
9. People will sue each other in TV court for any damned thing, no matter how trivial.
8. Let’s Make a Deal just isn’t the same without Monty Hall.
7. My bed is really comfortable, even after 18 straight hours.
6. Pneumonia will drain the energy right out of you, making it difficult to even walk eight feet from the bed to the toilet.
5. Nobody who hasn’t had pneumonia can truly appreciate just how awful it makes you feel.
4. In spite of taking a whole week off of work to get over it, I’m still exhausted and barely make it through the day.
3. Naps are good. More naps are even better.
2. W and N are virtually incapable of managing without me, especially when it comes to getting places on time or even knowing where they are supposed to be at any given time.

And the #1 thing I learned by having pneumonia last week:

1. Until you get on antibiotics and start recuperating you don’t give a damn about numbers two through ten because you are too busy fantasizing about someone coming and shooting you to put you out of your misery.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 398

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Singapore :: Sling (even though I’ve never had one)
  2. blah blah blah :: Yada, yada, yada
  3. Stall :: Restroom (I’m pretty sure my friend Val would’ve said “horse”)
  4. Bowls :: Toilet (sorry, but that last one influenced this one)
  5. Entrance :: Exit
  6. Antique :: Old
  7. Elizabeth :: Aunt
  8. Hook :: and Eye
  9. Width :: Depth
  10. Photo journalism :: worth a thousand words of regular journalism

Friday, September 17, 2010

So. . . . . . . . . . . . .

I’ve been reading the newest book by Geneen Roth, Women, Food and God. I’ve been a fan of Roth’s books for a while now. She basically takes an approach to weight loss that is focused at the emotions and feelings that contribute to overeating rather than trying to control food itself. I like her approach because I recognize in myself that there are psychological/emotional issues that are at the heart of my eating problems. Eating for me has nothing to do with physical hunger or staying alive. Eating for me is comfort, a friend, a way to soothe the boredom, a way of asserting my independence, a way to try to quiet the demons inside me. In other words, I have an addiction and my drug of choice is food.

Anyway, her newest book deals a lot with the spiritual side of us and also with what she calls The Voice. The Voice is that internal dialogue people keep up inside themselves. The Voice generally is like a tape playing over and over lessons learned from childhood, perhaps from parents, perhaps teachers, perhaps peers, anyone that ever may have criticized you or set you straight on a particular matter. My Voice is particularly cruel, though I don’t believe any crueler than many others’ Voices. The Voice reminds me over and over that I will never be good enough no matter how hard I try. The Voice demands that I acknowledge that I am a failure at all that I do. The Voice reminds me of all the ways in which I am less than, flawed, not up to par.

Roth’s book speaks to the ways in which one can silence The Voice. One of these ways is when a feeling arises to take that feeling and inquire with oneself about the feeling. Rather than stuffing it, ignoring it, eating it away, take it out and look at it, observe it, see how it feels. I have been trying the last few days to do this thing, and it is hard. It is so very hard sometimes, and yet when I am successful at doing it I find it to be a very freeing experience. By taking the judgment out and letting it be whatever it is, the feeling loses its power. I become the powerful one, the one in charge.

I have learned through the years that I cannot be trusted to make my own choices when it comes to food. I am now trying to unlearn this. I am now trying to listen to and give credence to my body. For years I have seen my body as my enemy. I have fought the good fight, clamping down with iron will against eating the things my body says that it wants. Then finally (and this always happens sometime, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but always sometime) I get tired and pissed off and at that point I go in with a “Screw you!” attitude, and I eat. I eat and I eat and I eat. I eat beyond the point of fullness. I eat without pleasure. I barely taste what I’m eating. But I eat. Screw you world who doesn’t want me to eat. Screw you! Take that. And then comes the misery, the stomach ache, the heartburn, the added poundage on an already overweight body. The food, the eating, it is all just a symptom of a much deeper more profound problem. Without addressing that deeper problem there is no diet, no nutritional program, no exercise program, no surgery, no pill that is ever going to help me lose weight.

And yes, I know this is all territory I have covered before. I’m just still trying to get it transferred from head knowledge to heart knowledge, ya’ know?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

And It Begins Again. . . Maybe

It’s a funny thing about boundaries and taboos. It is scary, sometimes very scary, to cross a line, to step over a boundary, to go into forbidden territory. However, once you’ve gone there it’s even harder not to go back. There is something about having done it, having crossed the line already that makes it easier the second time and the third and so forth.

That’s why it’s important to think long and hard about it before making that initial leap. It’s much harder to go back than it is not to go there in the first place. So my advice to you is don’t go there. Don’t step across the line. Don’t cross the boundary. At least don’t do it unless you really think you want to keep going back there.

So what does this have to do with my life right now? What has me thinking of such wise and philosophical advice? My dark side. I have a dark side – a deep dark side with deep dark thoughts. If you’ve read this blog for a while you certainly know that.

Right now I am in a sexual drought. M moved away in the spring. J hasn’t contacted me in a long time, and since he almost got caught the last time we were together I don’t think we’ll be getting together anytime soon. In short, I am sex starved. When I go through a sexual drought my mind wanders into dangerous territory. Sometimes, too often some would say, my body follows my mind and wanders too.

At this time I’m in the mind’s arena only, but if the opportunity were to present itself I have little doubt that my body will follow. It isn’t just if an opportunity arises. I am working pretty diligently to find a willing partner, maybe more than one, maybe several. I’m not just looking for straight vanilla sex either. I’m on the prowl for down and dirty, a little kink here, a little perversion there. I’ve been trolling some of my old haunts, and found some new ones, on the internet to see what/who I can find.

So desperate do I feel for carnal pleasures I even emailed BJ the other day. I did it not because I want him back (I don’t) or that I’ve never gotten over him (I have). It’s just that he is one of very few people in the world who I trust 100% in a sexual way. I know him. He knows me. We know each other’s most perverse perversions. I know he would take care of me in the manner I want if we were to try living out some of my fantasies. He and I have conversed a bit, and there is definitely a possibility that we will be getting together to play one of these days.

And all the while the little cricket on my shoulder keeps whispering to me, “Danger Will Robinson! Danger!” (Wait a minute. Did I just mix a metaphor? Why yes, yes I did. That’s what happens when you have a prolific post with no proper ending.)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Picking up Steam

Ok people here’s the deal. I have been through both a first round and second round interview for a new job. I have been asked to provide references. I have been treated very well by these people. This would be a position with a multi-national, publicly traded company that is huge (and I mean really huge), but probably one you’ve barely heard of, if at all, because it does most of its work providing services behind the scene for other really big companies as well as some smaller ones.

One guy who interviewed me tried to downplay my chances – interviewing several, looking for the right fit, not everyone suited to this job and this environment, yada, yada, yada. Another guy who interviewed me indicated that I’m definitely in serious consideration. Now certainly these two statements are not mutually exclusive. I’m sure I am under serious consideration and that there are other well qualified candidates too.

So now we sit. . . on pins and needles. . . waiting to hear something. . . it might be as long as two to three weeks before a decision is made says one guy. Great. Take your time. These pins and needles are just soft as eider down. (Sarcasm you say? What sarcasm? Oh, well maybe a bit. I am a wiseass after all. At least I didn’t say it out loud. And yes, I know that for the candidate a couple of weeks seems like forever, but to the company looking it seems like the blink of an eye. I know. I’ve been on both sides of the table.) The good news though is that after the first interview I was told it might be a week to ten days before I heard back from them yet I received the request for the second round interview within 24 hours so maybe it won’t be so long or so bad after all.

And precious readers, this job sounds good to me, not great but definitely good. If I get an offer I will have to seriously consider it, weigh all the pros and cons of staying at the current job vs. those of taking the new job before making the decision to leap.

Oh and BTW, my therapist says he sees a world of difference in my attitude and outlook and demeanor from a year ago to now. I am much more upbeat, engaged, and invested in life. I feel it too. I just didn’t know it showed through so much to other people. Finally, I feel like after years of trying to get there, we’ve got the depression under control with the right combination of meds and therapy. Finally I’m coming back out into the world as the real me, my TRUE SELF, and enjoying it so even if I don’t get an offer for this job I know there will be other opportunities for other jobs as well as the ability to work toward making this job a better one.

Whew! I’m so glad to be back on track after derailing for a few really hard years.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 395

Still lacking time. However, the quickie update is this: second round interview this week for new job; loving the choir I just joined; Boss and Betty are going to drive me batty yet; got another cold call from a recruiter this a.m. for a job that sounds right up my alley, but is located in Cedar Rapids, hmmm. . . I wasn't really wanting to move, but. . . ; given that I haven't been looking for these positions I'm thinking God is trying to tell me it is time to move on from this workplace; participated in Gay Pride fest recently and think that when I mentioned it to some of my coworkers they are now wondering (but afraid to ask) if I'm a lesbian; I'm enjoying the ambiguity, maybe because sometimes I feel like being bisexual is all about ambiguity; in that same vein, I may have a budding same sex romance but it's too early to tell.

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Leads :: follows or gets out of the way
  2. Concierge :: hotel
  3. Thousand :: tongues
  4. Engines :: motorcycles
  5. Argument :: disagreement
  6. 2006 :: I got nothin'
  7. Knot :: tie
  8. Fuck :: you!
  9. Handsome :: bastard
  10. Ridge :: Ruffles

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Really Quick Update apropos Nothing at All

This is a scatter shot post – just things that I must say but without the time to really talk about them to the extent I’d like.

Item #1
I auditioned for and was accepted into a local women’s choir. This is not just a cutesy little community group either. This is a group that has four CDs published and has won a national award or two. To say I’m ecstatic would be an understatement.

Item #2
N and I went on vacation last week. It was the hottest week of the summer, and we spent it at a theme park, water park, and attending a major league baseball game. I may never be hydrated enough ever again.

Item #3
W is absolutely driving me crazy. Thank goodness I had vacation last week without him. (Actually I invited him to come with us but he declined. In this case, he was smarter than I.)

Item #4
A little more than a week ago I had a first round HR only interview for a local job at a global company. I am supposed to hear this week if I get asked back for an interview with the hiring manager. Keep your fingers crossed ‘cause this sounds like a good job.

Item #5
My hair is longer now than it has been since I was in college, and I’m actually enjoying it. I always thought old ladies weren’t allowed to wear their hair long, but I’ve always liked my hair best that way. Wanna know why I let it grow? J asked me to back when we first got together again. Go figure. . .

Item #6
There is no sex in my life right now. M moved late in the spring, and of course W and I have nothing at all physical between us other than the occasional hand extended to help each other get up out of a low chair. I miss sex.

That’s it for now.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 394

No new substantive post yet. Aack! My life is way too busy which I hate, because I really, really, really have a lot to say. Soon folks, soon. . .

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Rhythm :: and Blues
  2. Baby :: Blues
  3. Sanctimonious :: Bastard
  4. I like :: Rock ‘n’ Roll
  5. Constipated :: Bloated
  6. Sleep late :: Luxury
  7. Over easy :: Eggs
  8. Erratic :: Me!
  9. Umbrella :: Necessity
  10. You don’t :: mean it

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 393

Once again you bear witness to my weird wacky mind while waiting for the real post on which I am currently working having to do with my dreams, therapy, and dreams about therapy. I am soon leaving for my therapy appointment so who knows where that post will go once I’ve talked to Freud for an hour.

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Coma :: Very deep sleep
  2. Aristotle :: Onasis
  3. Pink eye :: Miserable
  4. Expensive :: Unnecessary
  5. Dancer :: Prancer and Vixen
  6. Lipstick :: Waxy nasty stuff
  7. Buffer :: Go Between
  8. Stilettos :: Really High Heels
  9. Booming :: Loud
  10. Rap :: Hip hop

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 391

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Sexting :: Gross
  2. Corrected :: Fixed
  3. Rewind :: Be kind
  4. Heard :: Listened
  5. Amazon :: Books
  6. Running :: from the law
  7. Illegal :: Bad
  8. Tracked :: Stalked
  9. Generate :: Make
  10. Towel :: Absorbant

Don’t know what you might make of my answers up there. I wondered after I typed “Books” for Amazon how many people think of the river or tall strong women as opposed to the website. Also, I found it interesting that I typed “from the law” for running before I (consciously?) saw that the next word was Illegal. Of course, “Be kind” for Rewind is a throwback to the days when I used to rent videotapes by the boatload.

Monday, August 02, 2010

They Always Leave

As I started writing this it was a dead heat between family revelations and work shit so I started with work shit only to have family revelations win the poll by a narrow margin. Luckily for my reading public this one was practically finished already so I’m putting in the hopper to post on Monday. Wow. Two posts within one week’s time. Totally radical, dude.

One day last week just as soon as I came into work, before I even had a chance to get coffee, the newest coworker (been here just since spring) in my department shared with me that she has given notice and will be leaving to return to a former employer. I was sorry to hear of that because she’s a good worker, catches on quickly, and is pleasant to be around. She is also vastly over-qualified for the position she has here and even though I genuinely believe she did not intend to do so she parlayed this situation into a much better job at the old employer. So I congratulated her, and sighed knowing that we may not be so lucky to get someone as good as she is when they hire her replacement. Oh well, life goes on.

Then, not a half hour later D asks me to go on a break with her. It isn’t at all unusual for us to go on breaks together. However, usually we do so in the afternoon rather than the morning. She clearly had something on her mind that she wanted to discuss with me. We went to one of our quiet places near work and sat down. Then she dropped the bombshell. On top of our new coworker leaving, D is also going to be leaving and moving one state away for personal reasons. The only difference is that D is uncertain of her timing. She has no new job to go to yet although she is actively looking. Once she finds something she will be out of here with no regrets about leaving.

D shared with me why she is moving to another state. I won’t share it here as that is her story not mine. I will share here that I think it is a lame reason that she is moving, a reason that makes little sense to me yet it isn’t my business so I said nothing critical to her about the move. Certainly she shouldn’t stay here just because I finally have a friend near by, something that has been few and far between in my life.

I’ve known for a long time, practically since she started last fall, that D is unhappy at work. The job is not a good fit for her, and she has as much or more difficulty getting along with Boss and Betty (a new name for the sidebar, given due to her annoying Betty Rubble laugh; this is a coworker who thinks she is God and has convinced many of the superiors around here of this which makes life more difficult for the rest of us mere mortals who can never live up to her perfection in every way) than I do. While I’m the live and let live type who tries to do just roll with the flow, D is the type who wants things the way she wants things and fights for it. She has bumped heads with Boss many times. Betty intimidates D (as she does me also) so that D is incredibly uncomfortable with Betty. D won’t fight Betty, and it drives D crazy because she doesn’t handle being the underdog well. I can’t fight Betty, and I just ignore Betty as much as possible and do my own thing as I’m used to being the underdog in most situations. All of this to say that as unhappy as D is here in this job it would be ridiculous for me to try to persuade her to stay.

So I’m screwed. No, I don’t think I’ll lose my job anytime soon particularly since I’m sure I’ll have extra duties at least for a while, but life at work is going to get a whole lot less pleasant unless at least one of my new coworkers just happens to click with me like D did.

Word to the wise: if your department has a lot of turnover, like a revolving door kind of turnover, you may want to look at the cause. You may want to see if there is something you or others in your department are doing to make newcomers feel unwelcome. I’ve worked in two places like this now in the last few years, and in both cases I can identify significant flaws in how the department is managed that contribute significantly to the high turnover rate.

And, well, life goes on. . .

Friday, July 30, 2010

What I’ve Realized About Me and My Family

Okay people you asked and you receive. This is long, way longer than I realized it would be when I began writing it. It is a stream of consciousness posting with little editing done, mostly because I couldn't bear to read it again. Just writing it stirred up emotions, and I don't think I could stand further stirring.

Let me start by saying that my perception of myself and my family, meaning the one into which I was born and then raised, has included some misperceptions. I think that’s the case with a lot of people and a lot of families. We see ourselves, and our families, differently than those looking in from the outside see us. What I am going to detail in this post are some of those misperceptions that I have had and the realizations I to which I have recently come with regard to them.

First the misperceptions, without reference to cause, effect, or reason, just the perceptions I had for the better part of my life:
Misperception #1: The way my family is and the way they do things is the right way and far superior to all others, who are merely average and misguided and less happy than we are.
Misperception #2: If I were different and had fewer “issues” my family would get along just fine.
Misperception #3: If something is wrong, it must be my fault.
Misperception #4: I am the black sheep of the family.

Now let’s go look and dissect each of these little misperceptions, one by one.
Misperception #1: The way my family is and the way they do things is the right way and far superior to all others, who are merely average and misguided and less happy than we are.
For as long as I can remember, Mom and Dad (particularly Mom) pushed the idea that by virtue of certain truths we were better than other families in our community. In the world according to Mom, we were better because we were true Christians, not just some poser Christian like Catholics or Lutherans. We were better than that. We knew how things really were because we were . . . well, what were we? Sort of Baptist, sort of Methodist, sort of sleep in on Sunday folk. That didn’t mean, though, that we didn’t believe in Jesus as our Lord and Savior. No, we had a personal relationship with Him that those pseudo-Christians didn’t have. We were the enlightened. We were better than others because we sinned less. Nobody in our family drank alcohol, used bad language, or had sex outside of marriage. We were better than others because we were intelligent and well schooled. We were better, and we didn’t need to be associating with others who weren’t all that we were. Somewhere, I believed, was a place where people like us lived, but it wasn’t where we were. We were strangers in a strange land. As such we had to keep our guard up or we might turn into average people.
What this left me with was a longstanding battle internally trying to reconcile my desire to fit in with the rest of the crowd and to fit in with my family and be acceptable to my parents. On a certain level I have known intellectually that there are all sorts of ways to be that are acceptable, that no one has to do and be and think just one way in order to be just fine. On an emotional level, however, I continued to struggle with it. There was just a part of me that wanted to believe that my parents had it all right and the rest of the world had it wrong. However, now I’m getting over that. I am just as acceptable and fine a person as anyone else. We’re all human. We all have our faults and flaws but that doesn’t mean we aren’t good enough to be here, to stand tall with our heads held high. I’m finally starting to believe what I tell N all the time: “As long as you do the best you can do then you’re doing great.”


Misperception #2: If I were different and had fewer “issues” my family would get along just fine.
If I were thin my family would like me. If I called my parents more often and visited more often and did everything they tell me I should do then all would be well. That, my friends, is magical thinking. Also, it would mean that I am not an adult. An adult listens to advice and criticism, processes it rationally, discards what is not helpful, takes to heart what is helpful and moves on, knowing that it is impossible to please everyone all the time no matter how hard one tries.
I have now come to the realization that my family will never get along just fine no matter what I do or don’t do. I do not have the power to be the salve that soothes all pains, and more importantly, it isn’t my place to try to be that salve. Everybody has to deal with their own shit.

Misperception #3: If something is wrong, it must be my fault.
This goes along closely with #2 up there. Goodness knows, if anyone looks upset or acts grumpy it doesn’t necessarily mean that I have anything at all to do with it. However, I am by nature the type who wants everyone to be happy and works to be all things to all people in order to make it that way. This is, my friends, too much burden, and it is a burden that nobody but me ever placed on me.
I realize now that I have just got to quit immediately assuming that I’m the one in the wrong every time there is tension. I have got to let others bear the weight of responsibility for their own shit.

Misperception #4: I am the black sheep of the family.
I saved this one for last because this one is the trickiest one for me to talk about and pin down. A lot of it stems from the enormous pressure I felt to live up to my parents’ expectations of me, and they really had some pretty high expectations, at least academically. While I have always enjoyed learning and absorbed most classes like a sponge I have my weak spots. While the expectation was all A’s and most of the time I could pull that off, once I hit college level courses at a major university with a bunch of other brilliant students it wasn’t so easy and proved to be undoable for me. Certain required courses were damned hard for me, and while I tried I got several B’s in college, a couple of C’s and even one D. I didn’t pass the CPA exam on the first try, only passing two parts conditionally and then still failing the other two on my second try. By the time I graduated with my Masters degree I had plenty of job interviews but no offers. It was pretty much at that point that I decided I was a failure and the black sheep of the family. My parents did nothing to contradict that and really did and said many things that convinced me that my view was correct. I learned that if you aren’t at the top you aren’t anything. I remember that as a senior in high school I was not valedictorian nor salutatorian. In fact, I had the sixth highest GPA in my school out of a class of over 350 students. I remember this because my mom said to me, “Oh well, sixth isn’t too bad.” My parents never said they were proud of me unless I was right at the top, the very best. I buckled under the pressure of it all once I was out of college and accepted myself as the family’s black sheep, not good enough in so many ways besides academics. I was too interested in boys, for example, and not the right kind of boys, not the good Christian boys who were on the fast track to success. No, I was interested in boys with whom I felt a connection, boys who were willing to settle for someone like me. I drank alcohol (mostly in moderation), smoked cigarettes (occasionally, not every day), and ate too much. I was also too damned independent, always wanting to think for myself and not always agreeing with my parents’ viewpoint on every subject. So screw it. I felt like a major fuck up and quit trying. If I was going to be the black sheep anyway I might just as well go whole hog.
What I have realized is that I am not the black sheep of the family. Well, maybe I am in the sense that I am not like the other members of my family in some pretty distinct ways, but it doesn’t have to mean that I am a black sheep in terms of not being as good as other members of my family. When I look at it through a more objective lens I can see that I am no worse fucked up than the other members of my family. We just have different ways that we’re fucked up or sometimes even the same ways. I don’t call my parents as often as I probably ought to, but then again they don’t call me unless it’s to tell me (several days after it occurs) of a hospitalization or something. One of my flaws is that I have a rebellious streak a mile wide and will go out of my way to do rebellious things. One of my dad’s flaws is that he believes everyone should conform to his way of thinking rather than respecting different opinions and beliefs. One of FU’s flaws is that he is OCD and has been since he was a young child. As far as I know he has never been officially diagnosed with it, but it doesn’t take being around him long to see it plain as day. I could go on and on. We all have flaws. Indeed we do. So I’m not the black sheep. I’m just another one of the nuts on the family tree.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

'Tis a Quandary

Well, I’ve started two posts recently and finished neither of them. Then my world (at work) explodes. So which thing to write about. . . that is the question.

One was a post that I started to write about how I grew up believing certain things and then as I matured and learned more and expanded my horizons I came to see some of my beliefs as wrong. It was turning into a very long post and was/is very disorganized and needs some major editing and revision.

The second one was a post that is begging to be told from inside me about revelations I have made about my family in recent weeks. I have “seen the light” about certain things and spent a good deal of therapy this week discussing my thoughts on this.

The third thing I want to write about is work and what’s been turned on its head since somewhere around 8:30 this morning.

So. . .

It’s a quandary.

Dear readers, if there are any left, which post would you like to read first? I will work on them in the order you dictate. Discuss amongst yourselves and vote over there in the poll on the right. Vote quickly though because it will close soon. In the meantime, I’m going to try to work on one post or another as the fancy strikes.

Monday, June 28, 2010

It's a Big Two for One Deal

I never ever post and then. . . Bam!. . . Two posts within one post all of a sudden.

First off, let's start with Unconscious Mutterings, Week 387

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Collectors :: Trash
  2. Passion :: Obsession
  3. Winner :: Loser
  4. Uninhibited :: Free
  5. Challenge :: Hard Work
  6. Self :: Ego
  7. Your :: My
  8. Viewer :: Watcher
  9. Random :: Unplanned
  10. Vice :: President

Next, I was lurking over at Lime's place and was intrigued by a meme that she was perpetuating. It seems it started with one person who wrote questions that were answered by a second person who asked another set of questions that were answered by a third person, etc. and so on until someone asked questions that Lime answered, and she then left questions for others to answer. So here I am answering Lime's questions (and no, I can't provide nearly as entertaining meme answers as Lime so I didn't even try; I just typed up what popped into my head) after which I ask some of my own for you to answer on your blog or in my comments as you wish. If you do answer my questions on your blog be so kind as to drop a comment here letting me know that you did so I can go visit and see what you have to say.

Without further ado, Lime's questions and my answers:
1. What is the best use for canned peas since they are unfit for human consumption? Although I actually don’t mind eating canned peas I believe their best use may very well be as entertainment for small children in high chairs. They are the perfect food for mushing on the tray as well as throwing on the floor, against the wall or even on the ceiling.
2. How many BP execs does it take to plug an oil well? I believe there is no number of BP execs adequate to the task. However, I guess we won’t really know that unless they actually remove themselves from their ivory tower and try to help, now will we?
3.Where did you hide your last victim? No way do I give out such highly incriminating information. No way. . . Some though would probably say I left him in his apartment some 40 miles away.
4. What one junk food or vice do you want researchers to discover is actually good for you? DQ Turtle Pecan Cluster Blizzards
5. Would you rather crawl on a track of razor blades then swim in a vat of lemon juice or listen to the collected works of Yoko Ono continuously for 24 hours while snuggling with Marilyn Manson? I’ll choose listen to the collected works of Yoko Ono continuously for 24 hours while swimming in a vat of lemon juice.
6. Daisy Duke or Ellie Mae Clampett / Luke Duke or Jethro (as applies to your gender preference)? Either way (and I could go either way) it’s the Duke.
7. Who? BJ What? Broke my heart When? Almost a year ago Where? Everywhere How? By not holding onto me And most importantly, why? Because he wanted total acceptance of who he was while wanting me to be different than who I am (Okay, I know it's been almost a year, and I'm supposed to be over it, and blah, blah, blah. . . It still pops up now and then in my little pea brain. I don't regret that it's over anymore. I don't want him back anymore. But it still pops up now and again, and if I ever saw him again I think I'd go kick him in the shin just to express my frustration that he does pop into my thoughts on occasion.)
8. I almost forgot...how much? More than a lifetime’s worth
9. Dazzle me with some mad skillz I never knew you had. I can bring a funereal silence to a room teeming with a loquacious audience just by telling one of my really bad jokes.
10. What super power would you like to have and why? The ability to make people listen to and understand everything I have to say before responding to me because I’m just damned tired of being ignored.

And now, my questions for you dear imaginary internet friends:
1. If you have kids, what is the most you've ever spent on one child to play one sport for one year? What sport, and why did you pay that much/little? If you don't have kids, what do you spend money on that you don't think you could afford if you did have kids?
2. If you had one day (24 hours) to do anything at all and whatever you wanted to do was all fully paid for by an anonymous benefactor what would you do?
3. Would you prefer to save a baby strapped in a carseat from a car sinking in a deep river, or save a paraplegic man in a wheelchair from a second floor bedroom of a burning house? Why?
4. If a gay acquaintance invited you to attend his/her wedding to his/her partner of several years and the date, time, and place of the wedding were all convenient for you would you attend? Why or why not?
5. When was the last time you did something for someone that meant going out of your way to do it? What did you do, how did you feel about doing it, and why did you feel that way?

Okay, due to the fact that several of these are multi-question questions I'll stop at five. Give it a go, won't you?

Monday, June 21, 2010

Money, Money, Money

My heart skipped a beat this morning when I logged onto online banking and my balance was (horrors) only $745. Anytime my checking account balance dips below $1,000 I hate it. Now mind you I had last Friday set up some payments of some delinquent somewhat overdue teensy bit late bills that packed a punch to the old account. I knew I had done that. It wasn't a surprise. I knew ahead of time when I signed in that the balance would be below my panic threshold. Yet, there it was staring at me from the screen, and my heart skipped a beat, adrenaline flowed, the instinct to panic kicked in.

I am so not good at living on a tight budget. I like to have me a little cushion, ya' know? And not just the savings that's there for emergencies. That's for emergencies. I like a little cushion on the day to day stuff, a little cushion that says if I have to have a $500 repair on my car it won't make me skimp on groceries or make the payment for utilities late.

So as I was thinking about this, I wondered about other people. How much do you have to have in checking (meaning totally accessible money to you without dipping into some special stash or fund) to not have that panicky OMG feeling? There's a poll in my sidebar where you may leave an anonymous answer. Or you can cop to it and leave a longer answer in the comments. Your choice, or do both. We're pretty flexible 'round these parts.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

It's Just Got to Be All About Me

W is home from the hospital. The doctors cannot deal with the xxxxxxx in his xxxxx xxxxxxxxx until they are able to get the xxxxx xxxxxxxxxx under control, which they mostly did last week in the hospital but not completely. He is on meds to try to continue the progress started as an inpatient. He has numerous follow up appointments with various medical professionals this week and next. He is grumpy. So am I. So is N. This is so not what any of us had planned for the summer.

N badly wants to go on a vacation this summer to an amusement park and to bring a friend along with him. I am really on board with this idea except I am afraid that W will want to go along with us {shudder}, and I have no idea how to discourage that without sounding like (and perhaps even being) an evil bitch. I have a multitude of reasons not to want W to go and not all (although some) have to do with me just flat out wanting some time without him around. There is, of course, the concern for his health, and even if we are only a few hours drive from home landing in the emergency room in unfamiliar surroundings doesn’t appeal to me, nor does dealing with the inevitable red tape of dealing with out of network claims. Not that it couldn’t happen to any one of us, but the odds go up dramatically if W tries to make the trip. Also, he won’t be up to trekking all over an amusement park, will have no interest in riding the rides or playing at the water park. Either our schedule will revolve around him and his healthcare needs, or he will have to stay back at the hotel room while we go out and enjoy ourselves. W will embarrass N (and to a lesser extent, me) with his general surliness to all those with whom he comes in contact. I’m just not sure there are any of N’s friends that need to bear witness to that.

Fortunately, N will be getting to go to summer camp for a total of almost three weeks at two different camps. That will be a welcome escape for him, a time to be with friends (and to reconnect with a girl he developed a crush on at camp last summer), and to get away from the stress that hovers as a fog throughout our house.

On another note, I decided and have told W that I am taking all things that he says at face value from now on. I am too tired to try to discern when he is joking, when he is hiding something, when he is deflecting, when he is hoping I will read between the lines, when he wants me to beg for more information. Nope. Whatever his answers to my questions (because, trust me on this, he volunteers no information so I get no conversation at all without asking) I am going to 100% accept at face value whether or not I believe them. Why? Because I am just too drained to fight it. I am just too tired to want to spend time weeding out lies from truth, fantasy from fact, fiction from non-fiction, and dragging information out of a reluctant witness. (Yes, he reminds me of a man on the witness stand who has been instructed by his attorney to say as little as possible.) I don’t care. From now on I believe nothing but act on his words as though they are all true. I refuse to read nuances, innuendos or looks because I am constantly berated by him when I do even when it turns out that I was right to do so. If he wants to hide things from me so be it. Hide to your heart’s content. If I ask if he would pick up something for supper and he says “yes” with that disgusted, frustrated voice I will simply hear the “yes” and thank him for doing so. If he tells me he doesn’t want to go somewhere with N and me with that hang dog look hoping for reassurances that we want him to go I will simply say in a cheery voice, “okay, see ya’ later.” When I ask how he’s feeling and he says nothing more than “fine” I will accept that he is fine without further inquiry.

I’m tired. I may just take a few days of vacation all by myself while N’s away at camp this summer. A little “me time” may be just what I need.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Those who don't learn from history are destined to repeat it

What do you do when you see your current employer going down the same path that a former employer took that landed the former employer in bankruptcy?

Well, if you’re me you start talking to management level people about it. You tell them exactly where you see the parallels. You tell them that with 20/20 hindsight here’s what the old employer’s management staff, as well as others outside of the company, saw as having been the downfall of the former employer. You tell them that you are concerned for the path of this company based on your prior experience.

And then what do you get? If you are like me you’ll be told that this situation is completely different and that going bankrupt or even out of business is not even a possibility. If you are luckier than me you’ll be heard and your ideas will be considered within the context of all that is happening. Maybe decisions won’t be different, but at least they will have been made with due consideration of all circumstances and possible outcomes. At least then if they chose short term gain at the expense of long term survival it would be an informed choice.

I’m sure they are right, and I am wrong. After all, they are the big powerful executives, and I am but an insignificant peon. However, at least for myself, I now have this on record so that if my fears turn out to be well-founded I will know that I was right and they were wrong. (And honestly people? That happens more often than most people would like to acknowledge which is why I just might document more of these kinds of things here. As an anonymous blog, it won’t make anyone more likely to listen to me IRL, but at least I will have it written somewhere even if it is just for myself.) If that happens, I will not be happy.

No, I would prefer that this employer stay in business. I think it provides an excellent service for its customers. I think that this geographic area would suffer without this company just as my former area of residence suffered when my former employer went out of business.

Sigh. . .

If only someone would listen. . .

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

My Greater Than List

I’ve seen these a few places lately and thought I would share mine here. Maybe it will inspire you to make your own list.

Not being in the hospital > being in the hospital > being dead

Swimming > walking > bicycling > running

Amazing Race > Survivor > Big Brother > other reality shows > non-reality shows

Basketball > soccer > baseball > football > hockey

Purple > pink

Coke > Pepsi

Spring > Summer > Fall > Winter

Disney World > Holiday World > Six Flags

Pizza > Lasagna > Minestrone > Spaghetti > Salad

Late nights > any other time of the day

Craig Ferguson > David Letterman > Jay Leno

Love > Hate

Compassion > Selfishness

Reading > Watching TV

Learning > Teaching > Doing neither

Mustang > Camaro

Classical > Jazz > Country > Rock > Hip Hop

Cranberry > Orange > Apple > Grape > Grapefruit

Cashews > Pecans > Almonds > Peanuts

Big sisters > Little brothers

Ferry > Train > Bus > Driving

Money > No money

Bret Michael’s Trop A Rocka Snapple > Holly Robinson Peete’s Compassionberry Snapple

Monday, June 07, 2010

And They All Fall Down

I wrote the following email to my pastor today. I share it with you as a blog update.

Pastor,

Just wanted to let you know that W is now at Xxxxx Hospital and is supposed to be there until Wednesday or Thursday. He would love visitors, whether it’s you or any of the church folk.

Xxxxx Xxxx is being a blessing to us by spending her afternoons this week with N. Also, Xxxx Xxxxxx and I have been in touch and likely will be in touch again about needs our family may have during this time. I love how the people of our church truly are the “Community” in [our church name].

I don’t know if you’ve seen the note I dropped in the offering plate yesterday or not, but my dad is also at Xxxxxx Hospital in Xxxxxx. He has been in the ICU for over a week now. Due to xxxxxxxxxx xx xxx xxxx around his xxxxxxx air was xxxxxxx xx xxx xxxxx. The pain was apparently intense, and the risk of xxxxxxxxxx was high. He has had two surgeries in the last week to try to xxxxx xx xxx xxxx xxxxxxxxx and stop the xxxxxxx xx xxx to his xxxxx. Hopefully, the second one (which they did yesterday) was successful. If not, they will have to bring in a neurosurgeon for yet another surgery. Dad is nearly 83 and has been fighting xxxxx xxxxxx for the last few years. This is just one more thing on top of the heap.

All prayers welcomed and appreciated for
- Dad, that he will find comfort
- Mom (who is doing her best to keep it together), that she be uplifted with God’s strength
- W, that he can be made more comfortable and that he finds peace whatever the outcome of this week’s hospitalization
- N (who told me this weekend he’s afraid both his grandpa and dad will both die), that he feel the warmth and love and comfort of family and friends
- and me (I’m still in the denial phase of everything, just plugging along acting like it’s all okay when it isn’t), that I can be a source of comfort and strength to the others and a good role model for N, and that at some point I have the time to have a good hard cry.

Heh. I meant this to be a short little email and turned it into a novella. Sorry ‘bout that. I do tend to ramble.

TS
So that’s the short version of what’s going on. Yes, I said that right. There’s more. I just don’t have time. I have to go pick up N so we can visit W.

More later (I hope). . .

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 383

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Fresh air :: NPR
  2. Bodyguard :: Tough
  3. Wedding :: Useless
  4. Remind :: Annoy
  5. Wicked :: Evil
  6. Crawling :: Bugs
  7. Gasoline :: Fuel
  8. Anyone :: Care?
  9. Dancing :: with the Stars
  10. Wall :: Beat my head against

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Just a little summary of how things are going lately.

GOOD
• Thanks to not divorcing W and not having to pay him his equity in the house the mortgage has been fully paid off this month.
• I finally got the Mirena IUD placed late last month, and it will hopefully help with the “lady issues” I’ve struggled with for so long. So far so good according to my Dr.
• Summer is almost here meaning camps for N, vacation for N and me at some point, and hopefully no more cold weather for a few months.
• I’ve gone back to manicuring my own nails on a fairly regular basis and even bought some new nail polish. N likes when I wear bright red (which I seldom do), but I prefer more muted tones.

BAD
• For N’s soccer tournament this weekend the weather looks to be clear on Friday and Sunday, but his games are on Saturday and Monday when the forecast is less kind.
• Last week we wrapped up in blankets to watch Little League. This week we are sweltering even in the shade even in the evening.
• W’s health is not so great, not that it has been for a long time, but his current issues are really hurting him. I’d go into more detail except for the fear he would search on a symptom or disease or whatnot and find this blog. Not that it matters that much, but there’s no reason to hurt his feelings more than I already have.
• N’s been on the DL (disabled list for those of you that were thinking down low) a lot lately first with strep throat and now with a sprained wrist. It’s bumming him out to miss so much baseball and soccer. At least the wrist is better enough that he’s back to playing soccer since it doesn’t count on wrist strength and flexibility much to play soccer.

UGLY
• My hair, which is in its natural state of long, scraggly, and graying. Hopefully, with the mortgage paid off I can return to keeping it beautiful. I’d still like it long, but less scraggly and less gray.
• Work has been ugly for a while now. I am kind of caught in the middle of a personality clash situation that I didn’t intend to be in the middle of. I’m sorry, but I can get along with each party separately. The fact that they can’t get along with one another shouldn’t be my problem. Must refuse to listen to both sides. Play nice girls, play nice.
• The lawn at home is more scraggly than my hair, but at least it’s the right color – green. Again with the mortgage paid off maybe I can hire someone to do something about it. I’m so terrified of the poison ivy and poison sumac (due to the bad reactions I have had in the past) that’s out there I just can’t bring myself to get out there and do it myself.

Okay so that’s my update. It ain’t much, but it’s all I got.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 379

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Creepy :: Crawly
  2. Links :: Loops
  3. Sane :: Insane
  4. Bun :: Burger
  5. Visual :: Aural
  6. Remote :: Control
  7. Freaking :: Stupid
  8. Curly :: Hair
  9. Saga :: Drama
  10. Different :: Same

Monday, April 26, 2010

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 378

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Hell :: fire and damnation
  2. Scott :: Garrelts (former SF Giants pitcher)
  3. Dominion :: Power
  4. Stunt :: double
  5. Cougar :: Me! Bwahahahahaha
  6. Columbia :: University
  7. Gasp :: Sputter, choke
  8. Cancerous :: lesion
  9. Bitty :: Itty
  10. Quit :: that right now!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Thursday Therapy: I’m Not 50. . . Yet

Okay, so I’ve been away from the blogosphere for a while. Looking at my last post it’s been almost a month, and that wasn’t much of a post either. So is anything wrong? Have I succumbed to some physical/emotional/mental ailment? Have I fallen from the face of the Earth? Have I been incarcerated? Was I marooned on a desert island? Where the hell have I been? Or did nobody even miss me?

The truth is the explanation for my absence is twofold. First, and this is good news, my job is now occupying virtually all of my “at work” time. Instead of being bored by little work and little challenge I am now challenged on a daily basis with engaging assignments that leave little time for random internet tomfoolery. Second, and this is also good news, I am doing well in most aspects of my life right now. A calm and steady life does not make good blog fodder. However, I do need to still journal here occasionally. I find I learn a lot by rereading old posts of mine and sometimes get a well needed reminder of some lesson learned along the way but perhaps forgotten.

Being that it’s Thursday and that I just had my appointment with Freud on Tuesday it seems fitting to settle back into the routine with a Thursday Therapy post.

Freud pretty much summed up our last session this way: “When a client is bombarded with stress from multiple places I worry some when I hear from them that they are coping by drinking a bit more or indulging in some other self-destructive behavior, but when you say you’re coping by becoming more involved in church that seems like a pretty healthy option.” And yes, without even thinking about it as a healthy choice that’s what I’ve been doing lately – becoming more plugged into church and church activities, trying to develop a foundation, or a net if you will, to have something beneath me, supporting me, making it possible for me to feel that I have a support system upon which I can call when things are tough. (Wow! That was one long and convoluted sentence. No time nor energy to go back though and fix sentence structure. Live with it.) I suppose that’s not the worst coping strategy a person could choose. ;-)

I love my sessions with Freud. He has a way of reframing things so that I see things through different glasses. He points out to me all the good things I’m doing. He is the best boost to my self esteem that I believe I have ever had. I see him as an impartial party who calls ‘em as he sees ‘em. He doesn’t hesitate to point out things I’m doing that aren’t good for me so I do feel that he is honest in his assessments, doling out the good and the bad as needed.

He’s working on me to stop being so hard on myself all the time. I am way too good at beating myself up, quite the expert at the negative self talk. In some ways, it is a self defense mechanism. If I criticize myself harshly, the theory goes, then there’s hardly room for others to do so. However, I’ve been so good at it that I believed my own hype – I’m stupid, I’m lazy, I’m not a good _______ (insert noun of choice here), I’m an idiot, I’ll never be good enough. Beating yourself up can really beat you down.

But things are looking up. Nothing in my surroundings has changed so awfully much – all the same people doing all the same things – but my attitude is a thousand times better. I really believe that I, with help from therapy and pharmaceuticals, am kicking the depression to the curb. I am taking things on with a more positive attitude and looking at things with an eye for how the worst case scenario isn’t really all that bad while believing the worst case scenario isn’t all that likely either.

So my boss is still a jerk, but at least I have interesting work and have a job that I’m not likely to lose unless the company experiences mass layoffs in which case I would be eligible for unemployment. Not so bad, right? So W is still W, still struggling off and on with health issues that look like they could be fatal but never are, but at least I have changed my attitude to towards him and have found ways to make myself content, for the most part, to care for him for the remainder of his life. So W is still W and saying things that are wholly inappropriate to N and to others, but at least I have found the peace to allow those things to reflect badly on him rather than us. So M is probably moving a couple of hours away within a few months, but at least I’ve learned from my relationship with him that it is possible not to have to have a romantic attraction to someone in order to have a quite fulfilling physical relationship.

So I share my birthday with Earth Day, and I’ve been around longer than Earth Day which I think means I’m older than dirt. However, by looking on the bright side I am adopting as my slogan for the upcoming year:
“I’m still not 50. . . yet.”

Monday, March 29, 2010

Unconscious Mutterings, Week 374

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Bow out :: Gracefully
  2. Relationships :: are hard work
  3. Facebook :: not my thing
  4. Items :: checkout
  5. Ours :: theirs
  6. Sting :: bee
  7. Hangover :: headache
  8. Contacts :: eyes
  9. Lonely :: me
  10. Seven days :: week


Sorry readers, if I have any left, I'll be back soon. Between March Madness and this week being Holy Week I just haven't had the time to blog for real lately. Maybe a bit of a Thursday Therapy post this week if I can find the time, but I should definitely be back to blogging next week. I hope. . .

Monday, March 22, 2010

Unconscious Mutterings, Week 373

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Burrito :: Grande
  2. Spike :: Ryan and Kendall’s boy
  3. Tougher :: Weaker
  4. Mock :: Make fun of
  5. Slurp :: Sloppy
  6. Knock :: Down
  7. Conference :: Champions
  8. Madness :: March
  9. Minds :: are a terrible thing to waste
  10. Connection :: Outlet

Friday, March 19, 2010

Just One of Those Moments

The other evening during dinner, N was pulling on the waistband of his pants. W and I both noticed.

W: What are you doing?
N: Making room so I can eat more.
TS: Oh, I thought you were looking for something in there.
N: You thought I wanted to show off my package? My package is so big it takes two UPS trucks to carry it.

Dinner resumed some time later when we all managed to stop laughing.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Thursday Therapy: MARCH MADNESS edition

It is March. It is that most wonderful time of the year during which I become glued to the TV each and every weekend until the championship game on the first Monday of April.

It may be a form of madness. It may be denial that my beloved Illini totally suck this year. It may be eternal hope that in spite of their suckitude I hope for an NIT championship for my boys. It may be compassion that causes me to cheer for the other Big Ten teams as they battle in the Big Dance. It may just be that I have completely and totally lost my little mind because so far I have picked all seven winners in the games that have already finished today, leaving me in the running for a tidy little pot o' gold (or some crisp green bills) at the end of the rainbow.

You wanted a real Thursday Therapy post? Probably oughta go back and read yesterday's entry. It was more nearly the type post I normally due for TT.

Anyway, I'll be back to real life after the tournaments are over. Until then, get off the internet and go turn on CBS! That's where all the good stuff is happening.

Go!

Now!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

So. . . . . . .

What’s new in Trueself’s life? Not much. . . And lots. . .

If you were to look at me you wouldn’t see any change at all. Oh sure, my hair is longer than it’s been in a long, long time, but other than that same old Trueself.

What is different maybe is all inside of me . . . a new attitude for one thing . . . and that’s a big thing right there . . . and maybe the intention to live a bit more genuinely . . . to be the real me. That last part is just something I’m working on and am certainly not achieving with any consistency just yet.

I have this long history of going through a certain cycle over and over and over again. It goes something like this:
Step #1: TS gets really interested in a certain activity/cause/project.
Step #2: TS learns all she can about this interest and builds much enthusiasm.
Step #3: TS gets ideas about becoming more involved and in helping in some form of leadership position in an organization dealing with this interest.
Step #4: TS shares her plans with people who are important to her.
Step #5: TS gets shot down by people important to her as they remind her that this will require a lot of commitment and time and energy, that it won’t be easy, and they will discourage her participation.
Step #6: TS reminds herself of what a failure she is and decides she better not try because she will surely fail anyway.
Step #7: TS mopes while those around her encourage her to “be happy” and remind her how good she has it and how much easier her life is without the hassles of the thing she wanted to do.
Step #8: TS finally shakes herself out of her funk, starts to feel better and starts taking interest in life again.
Step #9: Return to Step #1 and cycle through again.

I have lived far too long being afraid to do the things I want to do just because I don’t get the support of those close to me, most notably my parents as I was growing up (well, and even in my adult years when I’ve chosen to share with them; is it any wonder that I don’t very often?) My parents always took it upon themselves to bring me back down to earth whenever I tried to have “grandiose plans.” They discouraged me from being too independent and tried to rein me in so that I could be protected from disappointment in case I failed. As long as you don’t try you can’t fail. You can live with the belief that if only you had made that effort you would have succeeded.

My parents never believed in the method of learning that requires sacrifice, hard work, failure, or bravery. They believed in providing their children with the easy life, the life they had not had the fortune to have when they were growing up. I never learned from them the lesson that “anything worth having is worth fighting for.” Instead they taught that you shouldn’t have to fight for things, and the more you accepted the way things are the less you would feel the need to fight for anything. They never taught me that “one person can make a difference.” Instead they taught me that one person is pretty helpless, and while it’s “cute” to get all worked up about a cause it isn’t worth the effort to really do anything about it because it isn’t going to change anyway.

Anyway . . . all this whining simply brings me to now, the point at which I have reached the point where I feel ready to stop repeating the never ending cycle. The steps from #6 on must change. Oh I know you’re going to say “Why not just eliminate step #4 so that you don’t give anyone the chance to bring you down?” Good question, and I have an answer. Even if I don’t tell them, and sometimes I don’t, they eventually find out and continue on with step #5. Therefore, I am working to change the remainder of steps to something like:
Step #6: TS reminds herself of what a failure she is and decides she better not try because she will surely fail anyway.that she is quite capable and should give it a try because even if she fails she will learn something from the experience that will help her as she goes on through life.
Step #7: TS mopes while those around her encourage her to “be happy” and remind her how good she has it and how much easier her life is without the hassles of the thing she wanted to do. thanks those who provide input, but reminds herself that she is quite capable and can be happier if she tries than if she gives up.
Step #8: TS finally shakes herself out of her funk, starts to feel better and starts taking interest in life again.gives herself the chance to try, assesses throughout how she’s doing, learns from her triumphs and failures, and keeps growing.
Step #9: Return to Step #1 and cycle through again.

That’s where I am now. I am trying to change the cycle. I am heading up the adult education team at church and representing the church on a local LGBTQA community resource group. I am becoming involved in activities and causes which are of particular interest to me. I have completed step #3, and am ready to deal with whatever fallout there may be from step #4, whether step #5 is criticism from readers here, my parents, W or anyone else with whom I may share. And when I feel myself falling into the old cycle I’ll come back here and reread this post and remind myself that I am capable and that even if I fail I can learn from it and become better from it.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 372

I used to do this meme on a regular basis on my private blog. It's quick and generally pretty easy. I think for now I'm going to probably replace Sunday Stealing with Unconscious Mutterings. This week, you lucky reader you, get both.

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Children :: Joy
  2. Saddlebags :: Motorcycle
  3. Restraint :: Wild Abandon
  4. Awake :: Asleep
  5. Blood :: Sweat and Tears
  6. Shutter :: Window
  7. Posted :: No Trespassing
  8. Corn cob :: Pipe
  9. Flagrant :: Foul
  10. Fart :: Disgusting

Monday, March 15, 2010

Sunday Stealing: Judd's Merged Meme

I didn't do last week's edition of Sunday Stealing. I wasn't sure if I would do this week's, but when I went and looked it over I decided to give it a go. Although some questions are ones I've previously answered there were enough new ones with some meat to chew on to make it worth my while. Besides it buys me a little time while I write a real post (and there is one just itching to get written).


1. What were you doing 10 years ago? Let’s see, 10 years ago I was working in my dream job, making more money than I make now, in a company half a country away from where I am now, and was mom to a one year old. I hadn’t totally given up on W yet back then. Life was pretty darned good.

2. Five snacks that you enjoy in a perfect, non weight-gaining world:
  1. Fritos with nacho cheese dip
  2. Chocolate peanut butter ice cream (preferably from Baskin Robbins)
  3. Giant soft jalapeño cheese pretzels
  4. Deep fried mushrooms and zucchini with ranch dip
  5. Mozzarella sticks with marinara dip

3. Five things you would do if you were a billionaire:
  1. Set up an educational trust fund for N
  2. Divorce W and give him a generous settlement
  3. Remodel my house
  4. Donate to my church and several favorite charities
  5. Buy exactly the car I want after choosing one based on thoroughly researching my options

4. Three of your habits:
  1. Drinking mass quantities of coffee
  2. Obsessively checking Twitter
  3. Playing with my hair, especially when it’s long like it is now

5. Five jobs that you've had:
  1. Babysitter
  2. Test tube washer
  3. Concession stand worker
  4. Auditor
  5. Accountant

6. Five places that you've lived:
  1. My parents’ house
  2. College dorm
  3. My Apartment
  4. My Mobile Home
  5. My House

7. Five things that you did yesterday:
  1. Went to church
  2. Got a mocha at a local coffee shop
  3. Read the newspaper
  4. Took a nap
  5. Watched the NCAA tournament selection show (which was, of course, a total waste of time since the Illini didn’t make it, and no don’t even try to console me with the fact that the Illini are a #1 seed in the NIT. Nobody cares about the NIT. The NIT is for also rans, losers, craptastic teams without what it takes to get to the big dance. Either the Illini make the NCAA next year or even I will be calling for Coach Weber’s head.)

8. Five people you would want to get to know more about:
(Let me preface by saying these are people I would want to get to know personally, not just reading up on them)
  1. Barrack Obama
  2. Paula Poundstone
  3. Wanda Sykes
  4. Bill Maher
  5. Johnny Depp

9. Abortion: for or against it? I think it is up to every individual to choose for themselves. I am not against people choosing abortion. If they think it is the right thing for them to do in their circumstances then I don’t think that I, or anyone else, should impose my will upon them.

10. Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
Seriously? Is this even seriously in question anymore? I scarcely think a female president could fuck up the world any worse than the male ones have.

11. Do you believe in the death penalty? Absolutely not. As long as there is the slightest chance that an innocent person could be executed the death penalty should never be an option.

12. Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? It really makes no difference to me personally one way or another. However, if we allow alcohol to be legal then it seems silly to criminalize marijuana. Drunks seem a hell of a lot more dangerous to themselves and others than potheads do.

13. Are you for or against premarital sex? Again I think this is a personal choice. I think it should not be entered into lightly, but I also don’t think that a couple is going to hell just because they didn’t wait for the wedding night to consummate their relationship. Also, I would much rather a couple have premarital sex rather than marry too young just because they think they have to marry to have sex. Notice I’m answering this question very narrowly, limiting myself to premarital sex, using a pretty narrow definition of premarital. My answer may have been somewhat different if the question had been worded differently.

14. Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? Absolutely! Gays should have just as much right to screw up their lives as the rest of us do. In spite of the flippancy of that last sentence I do believe strongly in allowing same gender couples to have the same rights and privileges as different gender couples. As a matter of fact, I have recently become a member of the leadership committee of a local organization dedicated to providing community resources to the LGBTQA population in our area.

15. Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA? Well, it is wrong in the sense that anything illegal is wrong. However, having personally known a few and even helping a couple once they were here, I cannot see that morally it was in any way wrong for them to do what they did.

16. Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen? No.

17. Should the war in Iraq be called off? Well, you can’t just call it off once you are there. It is a very tricky thing to get out gracefully once you’ve gone in with an iron fist. I certainly think, though, that we should be working toward getting out with as much alacrity as possible.

18. Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree? I agree that it is currently illegal. I’m kind of on the fence about whether it ought to be or not. I see both sides of the argument and haven’t really come down on either just yet; still wrangling with this one.

19. Do you believe in spanking your children? In general, no. However, I have spanked N. The only thing I ever spanked him for was climbing on the glass coffee table. After unsuccessfully trying several other ways to keep him from climbing on it, I told him that from then on whenever he climbed onto the table he would get a spanking. He climbed on it twice more, both times with a smack on his diapered butt as a consequence, and he left it alone ever after.

20. Do you worry that others will judge you from reading some of your answers? Nothing I’ve shared here is any worse than things I’ve shared previously on my blog. Judge as you will. You always do.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Breaking News

This just in:

Illinois beat Wisconsin today in the Big Ten Tournament.

This gives Illinois an actual shot at making the NCAA Tournament.

Also, it means Illinois gets the pleasure of playing against Ohio St. in the next round of the Big Ten Tournament.


March Madness is just getting under way my friends. It'll all be over much too soon so enjoy it while you can.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Thursday Therapy: Idling in Neutral

This past week is one of those times when I feel like I’ve just had the gear in neutral and have idled. I don’t think this is a bad thing. It is sometimes necessary during any process to just take some time and space for nothing. Even God took the seventh day off. Not only that, He then included it in one of His commandments to us. Time off – a necessary part of life and all the processes therein.

Consequently, I don’t feel like I have a lot to talk about here this week. One never knows though until getting into the flow of the writing though where it will go or what and how much ground may be covered. Most all of my posting is just stream of consciousness stuff. Let’s see where the stream leads today.

Last Friday, I met with a journalist who is working on a story about women like me. Specifically, she is writing about moms who cheat. She had put out the call on Twitter, and I responded. We met for only an hour, not nearly enough time to cover everything but enough time I think to cover the basics of how it started and a lot about J and how that relationship continues on a sporadic basis today. Also, she’s read some of my blog so she wasn’t entirely unaware of me and my less than stellar side. It felt brave in some ways to talk to someone IRL who hasn’t been part of my little circle of imaginary internet friends about that side of me. It was a little scary, but Mrs. Chicken couldn’t have been nicer. Having followed her blog for a while I knew she would be. I’m looking forward to reading her article when she completes it and will most likely share a link to it here so you can read it too.

Talking on Friday felt like the start of the idling process, it kicked off a period of just kind of reflecting and reviewing for myself how I’ve come to be here, at this point, now. This was followed by a weekend filled with N and me activities which left little time for me to be me or ruminate on being me or whatever.

Tuesday should have seen me in session with Freud, but I canceled. I haven’t yet decided what I think of my reason for canceling. I waver between feeling justified and feeling that I was weaseling out of an uncomfortable situation. The fact of the matter is that instead of meeting with Freud I met with my pastor, not in any therapeutic sort of way, but to discuss adult education matters within the church. We had been trying to schedule a time to have lunch to have this discussion for about three weeks. Tuesday worked for the pastor but it conflicted with my appointment with Freud. Rather than postpone our meeting further I canceled Freud in order to have lunch with the pastor. At this point, it is what it is so I’m not giving it much further thought but will just move forward with no intent of canceling future appointments with Freud.

For right now, I’m living the words of Scarlett O’Hara:

I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.

After all... tomorrow is another day.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Just a Quickie

Emotions are swarming like gnats in autumn. I know it is at least partially due to hormones, but it isn't all about that. There's other shit too.

I am, in spite of some contradictions within, all of the following:

Angry

Sad

Frustrated

Giddy

Energetic

Anxious

Tense

Happy

Hopeful

Confused

Uncertain



I feel like a slingshot that is poised for shooting, pulled taut, waiting until that moment when the tension will be released and the rock flung far into the future but not at all sure when that may be.

Shudder. . .

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Thursday Therapy: Deflection

I am really good at one thing. Oh, there may be other things I’m good at in addition to this, but this one thing is what I’m talking about today. I am really good at deflection – the act of turning aside or off course according to the dictionary.

When I am trying to deal with my own issues it is very easy for me to turn aside or wander off course, particularly by analyzing other people’s behavior and issues. Oh, I’m a master at dissecting someone else’s behavior and the causes behind it and what they ought to do to change it.

I caught myself doing this very thing a lot this week, actually since last week’s therapy session. The newish coworker I’ve mentioned here several times (let’s call her D because I do believe she’ll appear here in my blog as a recurring player so she needs a letter all her own) before has been my most recent victim subject. It started fairly innocently. Then I went from one little thing to focusing more on her many problems (in my head only; of course I’m not one of those people that would talk to her and try to show her the error of her ways) than my own. It finally occurred to me that what I was doing here was deflecting, perhaps even projecting some by criticizing behavior in D that I don’t like in myself.

The sidetrack in my thinking started when I overanalyzed (What? Me? Overanalyze? Shocking!) something that Freud said in my last session with him. As we discussed my “need” for men in my life we were addressing what it was that a man in my life provided for me. One thing we came up with was that I feel that as long as I have a man in my life I have a safety net, someone who will take care of me if I can’t take care of myself. (How’s that workin’ for ya’ Trueself? Not so well Dr. Phil; now get out of my head.) I brought up something D had said to me one day as we were telling each other life stories (in the way that new friends do). She said to me “Oh no! You aren’t one of those women who always has to have a man in her life are you?” Well. . . yeah. . . as a matter of fact that’s exactly who I am. Freud said (I know I’m getting this all out of chronological order, but for the life of me I can’t really remember the proper order of how things were discussed.) something about D may have a support system outside of having a man in her life. (EPIPHANY As I write this I just now realize what I’m really in need of is a support system. It’s just that I’ve always defined support system as a man in my life. But it isn’t a man in my life that I need. It is a support system.) I replied that yes, in fact I know that she has a support system comprised of several of her siblings.

Anyway, thinking about the comparison between D and me I realized that from what she says she leans heavily on her siblings, one in particular, so much so in fact after being laid off she moved a few hundred miles to live in the same town with her sister. Even after getting a job that requires more than a one hour commute each way she continues to live in the same town as her sister rather than moving closer to her new job. So much for her being the pillar of independence. And this thinking led me from one thing to the next, analyzing a good bit of what she says and does, and were she to ask I could lay out an entire schematic of things that she could change to make herself into a better, more whole person.

Yeah, a whole week or more with way too much emphasis put towards fixing someone else when in fact there is nothing at all for me to do to fix D. I ain’t volunteering fixes that haven’t been asked for, and she ain’t asking. So. . . much. . . wasted time. . .

BUT. . .
Just having the epiphany above as I was writing has helped pull me just now back from the deflection and refocus efforts on things I can do for me, to make me a more whole person. What I need to do is a two pronged thing here: first, I need to work on my own self image and determine what I truly can depend on myself to handle while second, I need to work on developing a support system or perhaps to some extent just recognizing the support system I already have.

Maybe I don’t have to bear all the burdens all by myself.
Maybe there are ways to share those burdens in an appropriate way so that they aren’t so daunting to me.
Maybe I don’t have to be a lone wolf all my life.
Maybe I don’t have to give up being me in order to be part of the pack.
Maybe there’s hope for me yet.