Saturday, September 30, 2006

Weekend Greetings

Having a nice weekend. Wish you were here. (Well, not really, we're doing quite well on our own thankyouverymuch.)

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Curiosity Gets the Better of Me

Alright, readers, I know you are out there, thanks to Tracksy. However, only a very few of you actually drop comments on my posts. This makes me curious. Why do you choose to comment or not comment? Please take the poll in my sidebar and let me know the reason that comes closest to describing your reason. If you choose other reason for commenting or not, I would love it if you would leave a comment on this post explaining your reason (I realize here that I'm not going to get a lot of comments saying "I don't comment and here's the reason" but I'd love it if I did!)

I haven't decided how long I'll leave the poll up or if I will leave it up permanently. I guess I'll wait and see if anybody actually responds to it.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

How Not to Turn Your Woman On

In thinking about the sexual relationships I've had, I realize that there has been one constant throughout -- I do believe every guy I've been with has been almost completely focused on his pleasure, on making sure that we did what he wanted to get the best experience for him. Oh yeah, and he'd try and see if he could get an orgasm out of me too as long as I didn't take too long or need anything special.

So as a public service announcement, here now is my guide for NOT turning a woman on:

Don't bother to bathe or shave anytime within the 24 hours prior to initiating sex. That way you can be grimy and scratchy, two things that will drive your woman crazy (and not in a good way).
Don't initiate sex unless you've already got a hard on so there will be no need for foreplay.
If your woman isn't wet down there when you get started, suggest lube rather than doing anything to actually stimulate her into an aroused state.
Leave your socks and undershirt on so nobody gets the idea that this activity is worth any extra effort on your part.
Limit kisses to three. Any more than that and you're setting up higher expectations in her for the future. There's already too much pressure in life without adding high expectations to it.
Suck her nipples but only until your hard on is really stiff and ready for action. If you are already at that point then you can skip this step.
Only agree to go down on her if she has showered immediately preceeding the initiation of sexual activity and only as a favor to her with the understanding that she owes you for you being willing to do it.
If you do go down on her, try to hurry her along if she's taking a while to get to orgasm. Don't ask if you could do something differently or try something new. Just do it exactly the same as you always do. If she takes too long, give up and move on to the next step because it isn't worth too much effort.
As soon as possible, climb on top of her for some good missionary position sex. It's all about you now, big boy. Fuck her to your heart's content without consideration of whether she's getting anything out of it. This is your time.
Once you cum, roll off of her, head to the bathroom, scrub your face with soap and water to remove any of those nasty juices you may have come into contact with if you went down on her. Wipe off your pecker so it's sparkling clean.
Well, it's all over so you might as well head down to the kitchen for a snack, or if you aren't hungry just climb in bed and go to sleep with your back to her.

Yes, male readers, I guarantee you that if you have sex as outlined above you will NOT turn your woman on. Also, if you wake up too soon after dozing off after a session like this you're likely to catch her masturbating trying to make up for your inadequacy as a lover.

Here ends my public service announcement for the day.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Alphabet Soup

I started this blog substituting letters, often initials, for names of people mentioned in this blog to provide some level of anonymity. So when I embarked on a relationship with someone else with a blog, but was unsure how he would feel about us being open in the blogosphere about our relationship I made up a letter for him, Z. But now it seems silly to keep using this letter for BJ because it is quite open that BJ is BJ so I'm retiring Z and henceforth will refer to BJ as BJ.

BJ and I are falling for each other, in a big way. This is not at all what I expected to happen, not at all. I was definitely not looking for this. Yet, here it is. I've found a man with whom I share similar opinions on so much in terms of outlook on life, politics, religion, sex. Of course, we don't agree on everything. He roots for the wrong teams in many sports, but I think we can get past that. We have yet to meet in person, but we will, soon. One advantage to meeting the way we did is that we did not jump immediately into bed with one another but got to know one another on a deeper, more meaningful level. We talk for hours every day about everything. No topic is off limits. I'm not sure what it will be like to meet BJ in person, having never known this much about someone before meeting them face to face.

Now you just need to figure out which of the countdowns on the right is the countdown to BJ and me meeting.

Monday, September 25, 2006


It is human nature, I believe, to want to give our opinions and our advice. I know I do. I'm quite the expert at looking in at others' situations and seeing clearly what they ought to be doing, where they are making their mistakes, how they could change things for the better. Yet it is also human nature, I believe, to bristle at having others give advice and share their opinions on our own situations. We would like to believe that we are making the best decisions and choices that we can given our circumstances, whatever they may be. We seek validation of that belief. We shun criticism of that belief. We humans are quite the independent, yet interdependent, creatures.

I see this played out in the blogosphere all the time, both in my own blog and in others. We post our thoughts, our struggles, our victories, our defeats. We often post the worst thoughts in our heads as a way of dealing with them and examining them. We often claim that these blogs are here just for ourselves, that the fact that others read and comment is superfluous to us. Bullshit!! They may start that way, but I daresay we wouldn't be putting it out there in public space if we didn't have some desire for feedback, some desire for validation and sympathy and comradarie. For the most part, what we aren't looking for is the criticism that often comes. For while there are those who will understand our point of view, even agree with our point of view, there will always be others with opposing opinions, or those who will give voice to something that our own conscience has been struggling with that we've tried to suppress. Those folks hit a button with us, make us uncomfortable, defensive or downright angry. How dare they tweak our conscience when we are working so hard to make ourselves feel good about our choices? Well, why shouldn't they? Why shouldn't they respond to posts in a public format, posts made with the option available for others to comment? So there is the conundrum my friends. We seek out the approval and validation of others, we are stung when what we get instead is critism particularly when we feel the criticism is valid, and we struggle with how to balance the acceptance of both validation and criticism. We struggle with how to defend our point of view without becoming defensive. We struggle with whether to retreat and lick our wounds or continue to bare our souls in a public (if anonymous) forum.

The internet has changed the world in many ways. One of those ways is that we can communicate across the world with people we don't know except through the words on the screen. We let our guard down for these people don't know us, and we don't know them. We feel safe saying what's on our mind. Yet, communities start to develop even here in cyberspace. The more we share with one another, the more we get to know one another, developing friendships with those that are nothing more than a name and description to us. And the next thing you know, it matters what others think of what we say. It matters to us what opinions others have of us, particularly if we have come to feel some sort of closeness to certain individuals. I find this is particularly true for me. There are individuals who I've come to respect a great deal although I've never met them and probably never will. Although the critism of strangers has little effect on me, the criticism of those who I've come to respect hurts mightily, perhaps more than it should.

So what is the point of this rant? I don't know. Just to rant I guess. Just to let off some steam. Just to remind myself that I'm the one that chooses to post in this blog, and to remind myself that it is okay that not everyone is going to approve of the decisions I make. Just to remind myself that the opinions of faceless cyber friends shouldn't override my own judgment. Just to help me get over feeling so defensive so much of the time when I'm reading the comments left here. Just to affirm to myself that my feelings and opinions and choices are just as valid and valuable as anyone else's and that I owe nobody who comments here any apologies for any of them. Just as another step towards really feeling like I can make my own decisions and stand behind them, and stand up for them, and be confident in my own abilities to make the choices that are best for me. Just to affirm that it is okay for my opinions and decisions to be different than those of others and that I can choose to respect differences rather than try to eliminate them.

So after all that, comments anyone?

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Quick Little Blue Pill Update

When I was getting something for a headache, I noticed that W only has 3 little blue pills left. He started with 6. He hasn't used any for any activity with me. Wonder what happened to those other 3 pills? Hmmmmm. . . . . . . . . . .

Not that I care that much, except when it comes to divorce proceedings I won't feel nearly as guilty if I knew he had somebody else waiting for him.

Anger, Frustration, Sadness

I was pissed off yesterday because I didn't get some time that was supposed to be just mine, all by myself, to do what I wanted to do. Instead I spent that time at work. I tried to approach it with a good attitude, but as others kept pointing out to me how unfair it was that I was there, I started to get really angry. Then just to top off my day, W tells me that he wants to cancel a trip we had planned to make next weekend. That pisses me off because we've already paid for tickets to an event in a location I have always wanted to visit, and now we aren't going. But now I'm working on going anyway, with someone else if I can find anyone who'll go with me.

I am frustrated, frustrated that I see myself doing the same things over and over again yet expecting different results. Let's see, could there be a pattern here? Do steps A and B, and get result C. Repeat the steps, get the same result, over and over and over. So why do I think that I can do steps A and B and get result Q? I'm frustrated because I can't seem to figure out what I should do differently or how to do it. I'm frustrated, according to my therapist, because I'm trying to quantify steps to get to an end result and yet my problems aren't about taking the wrong steps in quantifiable actions but rather I need to look at things differently. I'm confused and frustrated because I don't know yet how I'm supposed to get better.

My therapist wants me to acknowledge the sadness that comes from not getting certain things that I needed in my childhood, the acceptance and attention that I wanted. I feel myself fighting that. I don't want to feel sad. I'm fighting feeling sad. I want happiness. So what is she trying to say? That I need to somehow get better by allowing myself to feel the sadness? To quit fighting it? And just how would that help? Not sure where to go from here on this one. I just feel like I should be strong enough to get over the past and leave it behind. Why do I keep getting caught up in it?

Thursday, September 21, 2006


Yes I am.

I am drunk.

After only 2 beers.

I rarely drink.

But I had tickets to get 2 free drinks.

So now I'm drunk.

It's a wonder I made it home safely (yes, I drove myself home after drinking 2 beers).

God, I forgot how good it feels to get drunk.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Blather. Rinse. Repeat.

So I took a hiatus, a short one, but for someone who tends to blather on and on and on and on, even a week of non-writing seems like a lot to me. What was my hiatus about? Oh, a variety of things, but mostly feeling that the rollercoaster of a life I’m on was going too fast for me to think about what was happening before my fingers would fly across the keyboard to write something only to have my thoughts and feelings change shortly after posting. So I’d post again with more blather. Blather, rinse, repeat.

I just needed to stop. And think. And shut up for a bit. And process. And think some more. And breathe. And pull back. And THINK. I hate having to think. I like to just go with the flow. Unfortunately, the flow right now is traveling at breakneck speed, and I need to slow down a bit. Therefore, no more just going with the flow. Step back, think, process, apply logic, and then move forward. That’s the new process.

I think I now know what direction to move.

Number one on the list (some of you will cheer and some will lament) is to separate from W and move towards divorce. It sounds so easy in one little sentence like that. I know that it will not be easy. I have said nothing to W yet, or anyone else in real life except my therapist (and Z, but since we have yet to meet face to face I still don’t quite consider him to be a real life person, but more of a fantasy who hopefully become real soon), as I want to consult with a divorce attorney first to make sure I get all my ducks in a row before proceeding. So for now, at least until I have a solid plan, life is status quo at home. A big part of this process will be dealing with the impact on N and doing all we can do to make it the least disruptive as possible to him. I regret the negative impact our divorce will have on N, but I also regret the mess to which we are currently subjecting him. Although we try not to be openly hostile in front of him, there is definitely a tension in the air, and a coldness. I see N trying to play mediator sometimes. He should not be placed in a situation where he feels the need for that. I was raised in a family where I felt that same tension in the air and often wished my parents would just split up. They never did, but even today you can tell by the way they treat one another that they have no respect for one another. They simply tolerate one another because that’s who they are stuck with, and they stay out of each others’ way as much as they can. In a family that believes no reason is enough for divorce, they have never had a way out.

Number two on the list is to slow down, get untangled from W and see what it feels like to be just me. Feel the fear of the unknown. Work through the anxiety of having to be a grown up and take care of myself. Prove to myself that I am capable of being an independent, self-reliant individual. Make my own decisions, for good or for bad, for my own life and accept the consequences of those decisions. Become a real, honest-to-goodness full fledged adult. In a way, this is the scariest item on the list because I've never really had the confidence that I could take care of myself, and have believed that I would always need someone else to be there to take care of me.

Number three on the list is to let the relationship with Z develop into whatever we make of it. I know from past experience that I tend to fall too deeply too quickly so I am trying to rein myself in some on this. However, Z and I do seem to have something special between us. I’ll know more once we are able to meet in person and talk face to face rather than through the phone and computer. My gut instinct tells me to leap forward here and run with it, but my brain is telling me to take it slowly, to work on #1 & #2 before focusing heavily on #3. I need to let things develop as they will and not push. We have a lifetime ahead of us and don’t need to rush anything. Besides Z has his own untangling to do. It will all take time. But that doesn’t mean that Z and I can’t enjoy each other’s company to the fullest extent possible in the present. We will spend what time we can together. We will continue to get to know each other. Hopefully, we will continue to grow closer.

So that’s it. That’s the map of my life as I currently see it. I’m still waiting for the happily ever after ending, but at least now I’m actually doing something to try to make it happen instead of sitting back and waiting for it. Hmm, imagine that, taking an active role in your own life. What a concept.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


Deepest Darkest Thoughts is on hiatus for an undetermined amount of time.

Thanks for stopping by.

UPDATE: 9/17/06
Still on hiatus, but I did restore almost all of the posts I took down when I went on hiatus. I think I'll probably be back in all my glory and neuroses within the next week.


For 20 years, I thought that I wanted mint chocolate chip ice cream, that I loved mint chocolate chip ice cream, that I craved mint chocolate chip ice cream. Instead, what I had was vanilla ice cream, and it was good for a while, but not really satisfying because I really wanted mint chocolate chip, or so I thought. But I continued on with the vanilla ice cream because it’s what I had, and the mint chocolate chip wasn’t available. I settled and decided that I would just have to be happy with vanilla. Finally, vanilla just wasn’t doing it for me any more, and truth be told, the supply was getting pretty slim and the quality wasn’t so great anymore. So I tried to get some mint chocolate chip, and I did, a little, but I couldn’t get a steady supply. I looked around and tried other flavors – some rocky road, and butter pecan, and even some strawberry, but when it came right down to it, I really thought I wanted the mint chocolate chip. I struggled to make do with the butter pecan and what little vanilla had to offer me. Then one day I tried chocolate ice cream. At first I was a little tentative. It was different than anything I’d had before, but I really liked chocolate. But what if there were finally mint chocolate chip available? And lo and behold, it finally was. But by now, I already had a taste of chocolate, and much to the surprise of even myself I found that I really preferred chocolate over mint chocolate chip. So I put the mint chocolate chip back in the freezer case and left with a big ole’ serving of chocolate ice cream. Unfortunately, I wasn't careful enough with my chocolate ice cream and dropped it in the parking lot, and I'm not sure I can pick it back up before it all melts and gets away.

Now, anybody who thinks this story is all about frozen dairy products would be wrong. . . way wrong.

Monday, September 11, 2006

How the World Can Change in the Blink of an Eye

This will come as no surprise to anyone who has been reading this blog for some time, but I tend to be a bit confused when it comes to relationships. So when I first received J's email yesterday I was thrown for a loop. Then I discussed the whole situation at length with Z because I had to know where he stood, how he felt, what he wants.

And now I know.

So on today's agenda: dump J for the final time (already did that via email this morning), dump S & L because I no longer need them, affirm to Z my feelings for him.

Boy, every time I think the roller coaster is slowing down, we hit another curve and head a whole new direction. At least I am no longer alone on the ride, but taking it together with someone I care about very deeply.

To read Z's take on our relationship Click Here
And, yes, by clicking on the link you will find out the identity, at least in the blogosphere, of Z.

Sunday, September 10, 2006


Got home from an afternoon with extended family, and found the following email waiting for me:

You and I made an agreement that I was not to contact you unless I had decided to perhaps give you a chance know. If you still are in love with me, and you still want to be with me, and I am not too late, then I am ready to give you that opportunity. I had to do what I felt I needed to do. Now, I still feel that I need to do something.

With that in mind, I hope that I am not late. Will you please call me as soon as you receive this email? I really want to talk to you. I propose that we try again for another day soon to meet in xxxxxx or wherever, and you take care of the hotel and I will take care of dinner afterwards. What do you think? We can take care of it however you want. I promise that it is not about a mercy f***, but something that I really want to do...WITH YOU. The "unless and until" has arrived as far as I am concerned. I know this comes as a major surprise, but it is true. We can talk, during, after, or whatever. Will you still be interested? Please call me later, if at all possible.


Whoa. In light of my developing feelings for Z, now what do I do? Boy, to say this comes as a major surprise is the understatement of the year. Holy shit. I am sitting here completely stunned. OH.MY.GOD.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Let's Get Physical. . . Please?

S called me late on Thursday afternoon. He has been very busy at work this week, unable to get away to spend time with me. I let him know that my period was over so we're free to do whatever whenever he and I can get together. He said "Great!" Then he said he had to go. Never heard from him yesterday. I will admit to a bit of frustration that he doesn't have sex with me as high on the priorities as I do, but then again beggars can't be choosers. And he has a real life he has to deal with, and I understand that. But damn it, I need some physical release here.

Z has me so worked up and while the phone sex and cyber sex with him is great, I need some honest to goodness skin to skin contact. And Z and I are working on making that happen, but the distance between us, and my real life, is preventing it for right now. We are both frustrated, and trying to be patient until we can meet, but it is mighty difficult. We spent four hours last night chatting away on the computer. We've talked a lot about sex, but we've also started to talk about a lot of other things too. We are getting to know each other in many ways. There is something really special here. This wasn't at all in my plans, and I'm still trying to figure out the best course of action here. All I know right now is how Z makes me feel, and he makes me feel better than I have in a long, long time. But real life has some real obstacles in our way. Can we find a way around these obstacles? Only time will tell.

W told me yesterday that the night before he had tried to start something with me when he came to bed. Unfortunately, he came to bed at 1:00 a.m. so I was sound asleep, and he said he was unable to awaken me. Uh-huh. I think he deliberately waited until he knew I was good and asleep. I believe it is just one more way of getting points for trying without having to actually do anything. This way he wanted to and it's my fault, not his, that nothing happened. Sorry, buddy, I'm on to this game. No points for you on this one.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Through the Eye and Back to the Storm

Just trying to figure things out here. Trying to make sense out of utter confusion.

W - still clueless, still happy, sometimes it pisses me off to see how happy he is because I'm so unhappy, sometimes I just want to scream at him to get his attention, but we've been there, done that, over and over and over; i'm tired, worn out, feel like I have to stay but don't want to be here, the remnants of love are just that, remnants; don't think I could survive the guilt if I left him now; don't like feeling like I'm sitting on hold waiting for him to die someday

S - wow, love being with him when I'm with him, love how he makes me feel, but still not completely comfortable with him somehow

L - remind me why I'm having lunch with him this Friday? oh yeah, maybe there is a connection here, right, maybe, feels a little too vanilla, but safe, maybe too safe?

Z - he's the flame, and I'm the moth; I think I'm getting dangerously close to getting burned, "if it seems too good to be true it generally is" probably applies here, probably need to slow myself down here

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

My Theme Song

I Want You to Want Me by Cheap Trick

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Didn't i, didn't i, didn't I see you cryin'?
Oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't I see you cryin'?
Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.
Oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't I see you cryin'?

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.
I'll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Didn't i, didn't i, didn't I see you cryin'?
Oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't I see you cryin'?
Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.
Oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't I see you cryin'?
Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.
Oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't I see you cryin'?

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Adding Z to the List

There is one new person to be added to the Who's Who list in the sidebar, who will go by the letter Z.

I chose Z for this person because he brings to my life lots of Z kind of feelings -- Zest, Zing, Zip. Also, his name isn't Zach or Zeb or Zeus or any other name starting with Z so it helps keep him anonymous.

I have spoken of him before here as my sort of pseudo relationship. I still don't understand what the relationship is that we have, but now I'm sure there definitely is one. Oh yes, it is there alright. It is there, and Z and I are both powerless to resist it. Yet, what is it? I don't know, but I think I'm going to find out eventually. I really do, in spite of various hurdles that must be crossed in order to do so. And you know, maybe it really is nothing, nothing but fantasy. But that's okay too. Everybody needs a little fantasy now and then, and even fantasy isn't nothing. Fantasy can be that thing that sustains us as we travel through our ordinary day to day humdrum lives. And certainly right now Z serves that purpose very well. Thoughts of Z flit through my mind on a daily basis, and they sustain me.

I know I will speak of Z in this blog, but I don't know how much. The reason being that he is different from anyone else mentioned here. He is not only aware of this blog, but I know that he reads this blog regularly. That in and of itself makes him dangerous to me because he not only knows the me that I allow to be seen publicly he knows the real me, the me that I don't allow real people in my real life to know. And the only kinds of things I'll ever share here about either him or my thoughts about him are the kind of things I'm comfortable with him reading. So that makes him very different from anyone else ever mentioned in this blog. It also means that in spite of knowing the real me, the one with the deep dark thoughts, he is still attracted to me in some way. Weird, ain't it?

Friday, September 01, 2006


In yesterday's post I asked the following:

Am I really going to be able to do this when the time comes? Can I really go get naked with a stranger and have sex with him? Really? Or am I playing some big mind game with myself? Am I going to back out at the last minute?

After today's "lunch" with S I believe I can say: yes, yes, yes, no, and no.

S and I spent my lunch hour in his car in a very deserted parking lot. It was very similar to the lunch hour with H in the park, very, very similar. Except S didn't go on and on about being unsure and uncomfortable and maybe not being able to go through with more. Oh no, S spent the time when not kissing me telling me all the things he wants to do to me when we can. Boy oh boy. L is gonna have to really step up his game to beat S. S can make me absolutely melt into a puddle of desire in no time at all. Wow. Just wow. That's just all there is to say. Wow.

Timing is Everything

Everything is kind of on hold for a week because my period arrived this morning.

So S and I are still going to get together, but we both know what won't be happening today. He is disappointed. So am I, maybe. Anyway, it gives me time to get to know him better before jumping in with both feet.

Still considering the "test drive" both of them theory, but I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. As skanky as I've been acting lately I still struggle with that good girl inside who doesn't feel good about having multiple affairs at the same time, even on a short term basis. Okay, maybe I shouldn't feel good about having even one affair at a time, but I've kind of come to terms with that. Just having a hard time with the doing it once or twice with each and then picking one. Don't know why it feels so different to me but it does. Maybe because it seems kind of cold and calculating. Also because I hate to have to tell someone I've slept with "Sorry, but I've decided not to pick you." No matter how you phrase that, it comes across as "You aren't good enough." I hate that.

Well, that last paragraph is full of sentence fragments, but I'm not going back and changing it even though it is bugging me. Yes, the perfectionist in me is worrying about grammar and sentence structure. It keeps me from worrying about bigger things.

EDIT (and probably TMI for the male readers)
Went back and checked the calendar. This cycle was only 25 days, and it seems like my cycles have been getting shorter over the last couple of years. It used to be I could count on 31-34 days between periods. Now I'm down to 25. If my cycles keep on shortening eventually I'll just have one constant period. Now if that isn't a depressing thought, I don't know what is.