Monday, November 30, 2009

Sunday Stealing: The Tell Me About Yourself Meme

Apparently DDT was closed for the holiday weekend. It was not my intention, but I just never got around to hunting down a ‘puter (no, I still have not replaced my laptop because I have no extra $$ lying around for it) somewhere to get anything posted. Also, I was a big lazy fat ass all weekend. Well, except for making the traditional turkey, stuffing, taters, gravy, cranberry stuff, rolls, veggies, relish tray and punkin pie dinner on Thursday. It took me from 6:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. to accomplish that. After that it took me three days to recuperate. Heh. . .

Anyway, back to business. Here’s this week’s Sunday Stealing offering, a kind of general ask all sorts of random questions meme. I’m not sure you’ll learn anything new here, but let’s give it a shot.

1. When is your birthday? Earth Day

2. Where were you born? In a small town hospital

3. Where do you live now? At home with N, the dog, and W

4. What is your heritage? Well, I’m a right fine mix of Scottish and English from what I’ve been told. I'm also a second generation Illini alum.

5. Tell us about a weakness. Procrastination

6. What's a goal that you'd like to achieve? World domination peace

7. What is the most overused internet phrase? “Go Google it.” said in answer to every question.

8. What was your first thought this morning? Oh shit, It’s Monday.

9. When do you usually go to bed? Lately around 9:30 p.m. (Why yes, as a matter of fact I am old. Thanks for noticing.)

10. Do you smoke? If not, did you ever? No, yes for about 10 years starting when I was 17.

11. Do you like your current relationship status? If I did would I have this blog?

12. Do you (or did you) get along with your parents? On a superficial level.

13. How often do you drink alcohol? Let’s see, in the last month exactly once – a glass of white wine with Thanksgiving dinner.

14. Have you ever tried drugs (that weren't prescribed)? Smoked pot twice. My only reaction to it both times was to be incredibly thirsty so it didn’t really appeal to me.

15. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? If yes, do tell. Of course! Hasn’t everyone at one time or another? After all, how do you have sex in a swimming pool if not for skinny dipping?

16. If given the choice, how would you like to die? Go to sleep and drift away peacefully.

17. What did you want to be when you grew up? At various times a hairdresser, a lawyer, president of the United States.

18. Have you ever been dumped? Many times.

19. What's on your pizza? Mushrooms, olives, onions, and bell peppers. If going fancy, add roasted red peppers and feta cheese.

20. Have you ever shoplifted? No, not once in my life. The closest I ever came was taking a book (Northanger Abby by Jane Austin) from the undergrad library without checking it out. I stuck it in my backpack and walked out with it. After I read it I returned it to its rightful place on the shelf in the library. I did it just to see if I could get away with it and felt very brave and daredevilish when I did, and justified it to myself as not being so awfully bad since I didn’t actually steal it so much as borrow it without permission. It made me feel so guilty though that I have never done anything similar again.

Well, there you go. Perhaps there were a few nuggets of new material in there.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Things That Make You Say WTF

  1. Being told in the morning that you yelled “No!” repeatedly so loudly during the night you woke everyone else in the house yet have no memory of it or of any dreams you had either good or bad.
  2. Finding out the coworker you thought was befriending you has actually been stabbing you in the back.
  3. Realizing that there is not one person who has invited you to Thanksgiving dinner, not even close family.

 Yeah. . .

So that’s my life today.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Sunday Stealing: The Party Mummy Meme

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Jack Nicholson

2. Where was your first kiss? On my front porch

3. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? If yes, why? Yes, FU and I used to fight all the time as kids, and sometimes it got physical.

4. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? When? Yes, many times in Sunday church services plus at my SIL’s memorial service

5. What's the first thing you notice about your preferred sex? Fingers

6. What really turns you off? Bad grammar. There is no way I could seriously be in a romantic relationship with somebody who uses bad grammar without realizing that it’s bad grammar. (Although using it to make a point, when you know better, ain’t no big deal.)

7. What is your biggest mistake? Marrying W

8. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? No, and I can’t begin to imagine why anyone would.

9. Say something totally random about yourself. I’ve been wearing fingernail polish lately which is something I haven’t done for several years.

10. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Nope.

11. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? Of course! I love Phineas and Ferb.

12. Are you comfortable with your height? Eh, I wish I were taller but I’m reasonably comfortable at 5’7”.

13. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? Taken me to the Spindrift Inn in Monterey for my birthday just because they have feather beds and I love feather beds.

14. When do you know it's love? Obviously, I’m not really good at figuring that out.

15. What's something that really annoys you? People who won’t tell you what’s wrong when something is obviously wrong.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Just Another Do As I Say Not As I Do

After BJ and I split up and W moved back into the house, and I was starting to feel like I was going to lose myself if I wasn’t careful, I posted an ad on Craigslist seeking female companionship. I pretty much decided I was through with men for a while and would just as soon pursue a relationship with a woman if I could.

M was one of only a very small number who responded to the ad. M made no mention of gender when responding. I answered all who responded to the ad (well, except for the way too young college guy who wanted to convince me that he could show me the error of my ways in seeking a woman), but M was the only one where we got past the first couple of emails. M and I started texting. We were both playing coy. We were both being vague. We were both being somewhat challenging to the other. I started to suspect M was a man and called him on it. Eventually he admitted he was, but by then he had me drawn in. I am a sucker for banter with a hint of challenge thrown in. I was enjoying our sparring much too much to stop just due to gender (sign #38 of a true bisexual) and decided to see how it would play out.

It was clear as our conversation progressed that neither of us wanted the messiness of an emotional involvement. We both have marriages that we aren’t leaving – me because I feel an obligation to take care of W as long as he needs me, and M because he genuinely loves his wife even though she won’t have sex with him. We agreed that sex is a pretty basic need, and if you aren’t having that need fulfilled life is mighty difficult.

Being the nervous Nelly that I am (or maybe just realistically cautious) I really wanted to meet in a public place for the first time. He wanted to meet at his apartment. M explained that due to cataracts that until he has surgery he doesn’t generally go out by himself as he feels vulnerable being unable to see much. I debated on accepting this or believing it to be a ruse. I thought red flags and warning bells should be going off in my brain, and they were. Yet I also sensed something else in M, an openness that was hard to believe would be there if this was all a con or a lure into something else.

I went with my gut and decided to meet him at his apartment during my lunch hour. The advantage to this is that people would miss me fairly quickly if I did not return when I should. Also, I wrote a blog post that I scheduled to post 30 minutes after I should be back to my desk so that I could delete the post before it actually hit the blog unless something awful happened to me. In that post I outted myself, gave all my vital information (short of SSN), all the information I had at the time on M, and the request that anyone reading it immediately contact the local police. Obviously, the blog post was unneeded, and I deleted it once I got back to work. However, it made me feel better to know that there wouldn’t be a tremendously long time before someone would be on my trail if something went wrong.

Although I’m not exactly sure why, I left my purse at work along with all my identification, money, credit cards, etc. I think it was in case the whole thing was a set up to rob me. I did take my cell phone with me thinking it might be handy in case a 911 call was needed. I’m really not quite sure, given how nervous I was about the whole thing, why I went ahead and went to meet M. Sometimes it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me that I struggle to strike up a conversation with coworkers yet I can go meet a man I know nothing about in a location about which I am unsure of the safety and have much more than conversation. (Believe me, I would never suggest to anyone else that they should act that way. As a matter of fact, I’d probably be the first in line to warn them against such dangerous behavior. For goodness sake don’t ever agree to meet someone for the first time in an unfamiliar apartment of their choosing. Just because it worked out for me this time do not extrapolate that to think that you should do the same. Just don’t. Exhibit a bit more common sense and self control than I have. Please.)

When I got to his apartment M opened the door and invited me inside. I hesitated long enough to scan both M and what I could see of the apartment – small (both M and the apartment), neat and tidy. I decided that I could take M if necessary due to his stature – a little shorter than me and probably less than half my weight, skinny doesn’t even begin to describe M – so I walked into the apartment. It didn’t take long for M to put me at ease, and a FWB relationship was born.

At this point I feel that M has every bit as much to lose, if not more, than I do if things would go wrong somehow. After all, I know his address while he doesn’t know mine. He stands to lose much more than I would if we were caught. I mean, what’s W going to do? Threaten to leave me? Go ahead. M, on the other hand, really doesn’t want to lose his wife. I suppose the biggest danger to me is if M’s wife were to ever catch us. While I acknowledge that as a possibility M assures me that she never ever comes home from work in the middle of the day.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Thursday Therapy: High Anxiety

This week’s session with Freud was devoted to my anxiety and shyness.
Although I haven’t had any panic attacks lately (I did come close at one point but somehow managed to bring myself down before it went into full blown panic attack mode), my general anxiety level is pretty high recently.

As if I weren’t dealing with enough on the personal front the work front became very rocky lately. As is quite common given the general state of the economy the company for which I work is having its share of difficulties, and truth be told is probably in better shape than many. However, there are uncertainties out there that lead to certain actions which contribute to instability in my own personal job. I’m being vague intentionally here as I’ve garnered something of a local audience and wish to remain somewhat anonymous at least. Anyway, there is restlessness among the ranks at work. Add to this that both my direct supervisor and the supervisor above him resigned within the last few weeks, and you have the makings for some pretty high anxiety on my part.

There is good and bad with the new supervisor. He apparently entered the job with the assumption that I am moron. Therefore, anytime I do something right (most of the time) he acts pleasantly surprised that I’m not quite the moron he thought. At least he seems to be keeping an open mind and letting me demonstrate that I have something to offer. Just because the last supervisor tried to fit me, a square peg, into a round hole doesn’t mean that I don’t have something to offer. Fortunately, the new supervisor seems committed to maximizing the skills and talents that each of us brings instead of making us little clones of him like the former one did.

Also, one of the things that holds me back at work is my overwhelming shyness. Left to my own devices I sit in my cubicle working away and never say anything to anybody. I have this overwhelming fear of bothering other people so if I don’t have something important to say or an important question to ask I just shut up and mind my own business. This makes me come across as various things to various people: arrogant, unfriendly, stuck up, haughty. It doesn’t come across good in any way. I am none of those things. I’m just afraid of everyone. All it would take is a kind word, an opening gambit to get me to open up. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. When I try to psych myself up to reach out with my own opening gambit I generate so much fear in myself that I freeze up, not to mention waste too much work time with my energies focused that way. It becomes easier to not try and to continue to sit in front of my computer.

So Freud and I talked about how this whole anxiety, shyness, fear, need for public approval thing affects so many areas of my life. It affects work. It affects friendships. It affects my church life. It affects my intimate relationships. It affects virtually every area of my life.

There is something of a paradox here. I want people to accept me as I am. I also want people to like me. I find that people don’t like me as I am. I try to change into who people want me to be in order to like me. I am incredibly uncomfortable being someone whom I am not. I find that I still don’t fit in, and people still don’t like me. I revert back to who I really am and wish fervently that people would accept me as I am.

And maybe I twist religion around to fit my needs. I so badly want and need unconditional love and forgiveness and caring that I cling to the promises of God. I cling to Jesus’ unparalleled caring for the unlovable, the outcasts, the shamed. I cling with the hope that someday when I move beyond this world I will move into the next where I will be loved, accepted and cared for without question. It is that hope to which I cling. It is that hope that puts compassion in my heart for others who feel disenfranchised and make me desire to share that hope with them, if only my shyness didn’t intervene.

And always, always, always, it comes back around to me being overwhelmingly angry that I am so often misunderstood and so often left out because of it. Yes, on Tuesday Freud and I started to expose a burning anger within me that I must sort through. We must, because I cannot continue going through life being angry and turning that anger inward toward myself.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

M is for Mmm, Mmm Good

(Warning: This post is rated MA. Some readers may find some material in this post objectionable. Reader discretion is advised.)

I have another post I’m writing, but it is taking a while. It isn’t quite coming out like I want so I’ve set it aside for a bit to rethink it and see if I can do better another time. So for now, you get this post, a post where I get all introspective about being something of a cougar lately.

It occurs to me that M is the only man I’ve ever had who is in his 30’s. Way back when (you know in the olden days when guys picked you up for a date on his new dinosaur) I had guys in their late teens and early 20’s. There was one guy in his mid-40’s and then W entered the picture and it was all 50’s and older from there. Once I hit my mid-life crisis (or whatever happened a few years ago when W and I started to fall apart) it was still guys my age or older. I even scoffed and laughed right out loud at a few 20-somethings who expressed interest. Sorry, if I am old enough to be your mom then that just skeeves me out. (And you thought I had no limits. Well you were wrong. I do. Very few, but even I draw the line somewhere.) So I mostly ended up with men in their 40’s and 50’s.

Then along came M. I don’t think I’ve really gone into detail before as to how I met M, but that’s a topic for another post. I started to include it here, but it really is its own story so there’s one more unfinished post out there waiting to make its debut.

If I’m not mistaken before M the biggest age difference where I was older than the guy was with K. He was three or four years younger than I. Anyway, I’ve made a big deal out of the whole age difference thing here for a reason. I am unsure whether M’s age, whether relative to mine or just that he’s in his mid thirties, has an impact on the fact that without a doubt he is the best sexual partner I’ve ever had. Perhaps it is just that he’s old enough to have developed his technique and young enough that all the parts still work as desired. I think, though, that there is more to it. He goes above and beyond basic technique. He cares that we both have a good time, and I will say that without a doubt we both have a very good time.

One thing that does not play a part in making the sex so good would be emotional intimacy. We are not particularly attracted to one another in any way except on a physical level. There is no feeling of romance, no feeling of falling for each other, no urge to make anything more of this than an excellent FWB relationship. We chat about our lives on a superficial kind of level. We care about one another on a superficial kind of level. We both are really there for the physical release that goes along with a good sexual experience and nothing more.

There are lots of little things though that M does that help make the sex great. He cares a great deal about my pleasure, and not just the focus on how many times can he get me to cum.

M takes the time to ask me what I like and how I like it and he takes directions really well. He takes things slowly, working me up until I’m the one begging for things to move to the next level. He can last seemingly forever, and I wonder if the age thing comes into play there.

M talks dirty to me while we’re doing it but not in a degrading way to me. He is forever telling me how beautiful my tits are and goes into great detail in describing everything he likes about them. He talks about how wet I am and how much that turns him on. He asks if I like his cock in my pussy and makes me tell him how good it feels. He never ever calls me a stupid slut or whore like some I’ve been with. Maybe that is a turn on for the guy, but to me it is not. The word “stupid” doesn’t belong in any description of me no matter what activity we are engaged in. I think it says a lot about the person saying it, that they have some sick need to put down the other person, to dominate in a less than loving way. Anyway, M doesn’t do that. He talks really, really raunchy and dirty but always with nothing but good things to say about me.

Because M doesn’t focus so much attention on how many times I cum, I cum harder with him than with almost anyone else (except for myself with the assistance of my favorite toy). Sometimes in the past I’ve felt like the guy felt as though it were some kind of contest to see how quickly he could get me to cum and/or how many times he could get me to cum. I felt rushed and not appreciated and not taken care of, but just as one more thing to do. M isn’t that way at all. M spends time working me up slowly, building up so that the orgasms don’t come quickly or even frequently but when they do they are far and away worth the wait. And I don’t feel like I’ve “performed” for him. I’ve simply enjoyed myself to the fullest and brought him some pleasure at the same time.

Now my only complaint is one that I have consistently had with every man with whom I've been -- not enough oral sex with him on the giving end.  In spite of him getting each and every time we've been together, he has only given twice.  Sigh. . .  Ah well, nobody's perfect I suppose.

Eventually we get around to intercourse. We try different positions, and enjoy several, but we both agree that we like doggy style the best and generally end up using that position to bring M off and finish up.

Afterwards, we lie on his bed and chat until his alarm goes off, letting me know it’s time to get dressed and get back to work. We don’t generally have a whole lot of time to chat. As a matter of fact the last time we got together we hadn’t been finished long when the alarm went off (M always sets it for 45 minutes after I get there so I won’t be late getting back to work after lunch).

I told M that it is really hard to believe his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him given just how good he is. He says she just doesn’t like sex of any kind all that much. If he begs long enough, she’ll let him have sex with her, but she wants it over with fast. He said he’s tired of begging. I can empathize. Oh I surely can.

So for whatever it’s worth, sex once or twice a week with M is really good and makes life tolerable. It’s hard to be too cranky when you’re well fucked.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Watch Your Mouth Young Man

I guess you just have to chalk this one up to one of those “kids say the darnedest things” moments. Given his expression I know that N said this in the most innocent of ways. He clearly didn’t have a clue.

I am preparing dinner. N comes into the kitchen and asks what we’re having. I tell him we’re having fish, rice, and his favorite combo of veggies (broccoli, cauliflower & carrots).

N says:
Why can’t we ever have some meat at dinner?

I say:
Fish is meat.

N says:
No. Why can’t we have man meat for dinner?

At that point I had to turn my back on him just to hide the expression that I’m sure was on my face.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Step Away from the Social Networking Sites

Top two reasons I should have stayed off of Facebook this weekend:
  • Seeing a picture of J and his wife at their wedding reception where she is beautiful and all smiles and he looks like a condemned man which I found to be an interesting choice of pictures to post on his page.  (Also, an all white tux?  Really J?  *cringe*)
  • Seeing that BJ has changed his status back to “in a relationship.”

Question: Why do I want to torture myself that way?
Answer: I don’t.

Question: Do I intend to get on Facebook again soon?
Answer: Absolutely not.

Question: Why don’t I just avoid checking the pages of people whose updates are liable to upset me?
Answer: Lack of will power. I can’t resist trying to check on people who matter to me (even if I don’t matter to them or maybe particularly if I don’t matter to them).

Question: Why do I let these things get to me when clearly these weren’t the right men for me anyway?
Answer: I DON’T KNOW!!!!! Alright? I don’t know. I know it’s stupid. I know I should shift my focus elsewhere. I know, and I know, and I know. But I don’t know why these things get to me so badly. I just don’t know.

And now? I would just like to go lock myself in my room for the rest of the day, have a good cry and maybe take a really long nap. . . if only I didn’t have to be at work trying to focus on reports that must be created this week whether or not I feel up to the task.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Sunday Stealing: The Over the Top Meme

This week I'm a day early with this post. Usually I'm a day late. Hey, maybe sometime in the future I'll actually post Sunday Stealing on Sunday!

Part One - Describe:

Your hair? Ugly mousy brown with just a few grays, long and shaggy looking since I gave up salon cuts and color when the money got tight.

Your mother? Strong, capable, one of a kind, knows she's right about everything, bows to my dad even when she knows he's wrong.

Your father? Insecure, always putting up a front, easily angered if his authority is questioned.

Your favorite food? Papa Del's pizza

Your dream last night? I wish I could remember it better. It was very elaborate and detailed. It would make a great science fiction book or movie if only I could remember the details, but I can barely bring some of them back to my conscious mind. Hoping I'll dream it again soon so I maybe I can remember it better.

Your favorite drink? Jack & Coke (Oh, like I haven't answered that here before about 14 bazillion times)

Your dream/goal? To be able to retire by 65 and then work part-time doing basic accounting/bookkeeping work for fun.

The room are you in? (awkwardly worded much? yeah) The home office.

Your hobby? Beating myself up for how awful I am.

Your fear? Never being truly loved by a man.

Your TV? Works just fine thank you.

Your Pets? Just one, a fabulous dog who loves me no matter what, even when I'm late with his breakfast.

Friends? Good grief, how often do we have to go over this. No friends. I don't know how to be a friend or keep a friend.

Your life? Sucks.

Your mood? Sucks.

If you're missing someone? Hell yes. Every single day.

Your best friend? Doesn't even know she's my best friend, and I'd be embarrassed to tell her because I'm sure she'd think "Hell, we're not that good of friends. How could I be her best friend?"

Part Two - The Where's?

Where do you want to be in 6 years? Free of W, watching N finish high school, more financially secure than now, and still geographically right here in the same place.

Where were you last night? At home because N threw up in the hallway just as we were leaving for the Illini basketball game. Sigh. . .

Where did you grow up? In small town rural heart of America, where farming was the major industry and people still knew everybody in town.

One place that I go to over and over? The University of Illinois campus area -- it is the place in the world where I feel most comfortable and where I come closest to fitting in.

Your favorite place to eat out? Dos Reales or Papa Del's

Wish list items? Universal health care, enough money to have a professional take care of my hair

Last time you laughed? This morning.

Last time you cried? A few minutes ago.

Part Three - The What's?

Something that you aren't? A girly girl

Last thing you did? Went to get my license plates renewed

What are you wearing? Green undies, white bra, Seattle t-shirt, denim shirt, jeans, glasses

Something you're not wearing? Shoes or socks

Your favorite store? Meijer

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Thursday Therapy: Ever Closer

Listening today to Dan Fogelberg’s Netherlands CD, as I often do since it is probably my favorite album of his, I got stuck on one song, a song I know well, a song I can sing from heart, and yet a song with words that made me stop and pause today, to remove focus from my spreadsheet, close my eyes, and just listen.

Promises Made
by Dan Fogelberg

Promises made and promises broken
Measures of our demise
Secrets of souls that rarely get spoken
Pleasure's a thin disguise

Dozens of ways and dozens of reasons
Shielding our hearts from pain
Riddles of romance
That distance may yet explain

Certain of nothing
So fearful of love
Nobody seems to show you enough
Over and over the scenes are replayed
And once again those promises made

Feeling forsaken, broken in two
How did this ever happen to you
Taken for granted, bruised and betrayed
Lonely survivors these promises made

Dozens of ways and dozens of reasons
Shielding our hearts from pain
Riddles of romance
That distance may yet explain

Certain of nothing
You're so damn fearful of love
Nobody seems to show you enough
Over and over the scenes are replayed
And once again those promises made
Those promises made

Dan wrote more than beautiful music. He wrote music that actually said something, that held stories so meaningful to me and I’m sure to others. Anyway the song lyrics above are where my head is today, and it is heart wrenching to me. It sums me up quite well I think.

I spend a good deal of time and effort trying to shield my heart from pain. Yet my efforts don’t work. Over and over, I turn in the wrong direction and end up with more and more pain. Over and over I fuck up my life better than anyone else could ever do to me.

Okay Freud, next Tuesday it ain’t gonna be that easy session like last time. We’re heading back into the muck that is my psyche. We’re gonna continue working on ferreting out what’s driving me and how to change it. I feel it. It is close. It is very close. Yet I still can’t quite open that lid and really take a look at it. I get so close, and my mind runs away refusing to look. But I’m closer than ever before, and I do feel we’re nearing a breakthrough. It’s there, that something, oh yes, it is definitely there, and getting closer to becoming clear. I am terrified.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A Dozen Fives

I saw this on another blog, and because I'm feeling meme-y this week I swiped it.  Feel free to swipe it too if you are so inclined

1 - at least 100 lbs lighter than I am now.
2 - working in a job I didn't care for.
3 - dealing with the fallout from W's colon cancer
4 - dealing with the fallout from W's broken shoulder
5 - coming to the conclusion that adopting more children was not in our future

1 - apple slices with caramel dip
2 - pimiento cheese spread on crackers
3 - Frosted Mini-Wheats (dry, not with milk on them)
4 - caramel corn or kettle corn
5 - Fritos with cottage cheese

1 - pay off my mortgage
2 - get the rest of my bills caught up
3 - pay for W to go into assisted living
4 - donate generously to my some of my favorite charities as well as my church
5 - quit my current job and find a part time job

1 - test tube washer
2 - concessions stand worker
3 - financial examiner
4 - accountant
5 - financial analyst

1 - taking care of and delighting in a one-year-old N
2 - working at my dream job
3 - living in the best house I ever owned
4 - hosting dinner parties at my house
5 - serving as treasurer for my church

1 - Amazing Grace
2 - In the Garden
3 - Old Tennessee by Dan Fogelberg
4 - Promises Made by Dan Fogelberg
5 - Jingle Bells

1 - Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen
2 - The Shining by Stephen King
3 - The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
4 - The Promise by Danielle Steel
5 - False Memory by Dean Koontz

1 - Picking my nose
2 - Procrastination
3 - Having sex with married men
4 - Plucking the hairs on my chin obsessively
5 - Hitting the snooze button repeatedly

1 - Cheering loudly at Illini basketball games
2 - Playing board games
3 - Reading
4 - Watching reality TV
5 - Playing the piano

1 - high heel shoes, I despise them
2 - mini skirts
3 - midriff tops
4 - wool suit in Miami, FL
5 - pajamas

1 - Macaroni and cheese served with broccoli on the side
2 - Biscuits and gravy with plenty of strong black hot coffee to drink with it
3 - Pasta with mediterranean vegetables (my own recipe)
4 - Grilled cheese sandwich and creamy tomato soup
5 - Stuffed portobello mushrooms, mashed potatoes with gravy, green beans

1 - Universal health care in the U.S.
2 - The British Isles
3 - N all grown up and on his own
4 - All 50 states (only have 12 to go)
5 - Illini winning the NCAA Basketball Championship

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

PMS Is Not the Only Reason to be Grumpy

Spent time with J on Saturday. I was suffering a bout of PMS (knew I was close to starting. . . hoped it would hold off. . . and it did. . . until yesterday. . . when it arrived in full force with all its glory. . . where's my chocolate?) which is probably why I was not so happy about how things went.

My biggest reaction to the entire four hours we spent together is this:
Will the man never shut up?!?!?
Could I maybe get a word in edgewise somewhere? Must every moment be filled with words? Must everything he tells me have to be about his first ex-wife and how she’s not letting him see his kids enough, or T and how she’s still managing to mess up his life, or his current wife and how annoying she is? Worse yet, is when he starts in on the whole evangelistic sharing. Dude, you’re lying naked next to someone not your wife. Preaching straight-laced Christian fundamentalism seems somehow dissonant at that point.

And yet, there I am, sharing the cost of a room, patiently listening, trying to find a way to somehow get a little fulfillment for myself from all of this. I even asked him to stay longer. I don’t know, maybe hope springs eternal that if we were around each other long enough he’d listen to me too, perhaps even ask how I’m doing.

But let’s be realistic here. That isn’t going to happen. He’s so wrapped up in himself, in his own needs, in his own life, that I’m nothing but a warm place to put it occasionally.

Maybe PMS has very little to do with why I wasn’t so happy with how things went. Maybe I was unhappy because the whole thing sucked. It was all about him and not at all about me, or us. He’s a selfish bastard, and I deserve so much better. Why does he have to prove that repeatedly? Why can’t I just get the message and move on? Sigh. . . so much personal growth is still needed here.

Also, the last couple of times with J before this one seemed so much better to me. I think it was because I was using J for revenge sex. I was being utterly defiant of BJ and our relationship by going behind his back and screwing someone else, getting revenge for hurts BJ had caused me. Now, without that as motivation there’s just nothing there for me when J and I get together, because the sex isn’t good, the company isn’t good; there’s just not one good reason to ever do this again.

Hmm, yeah, wonder how long this resolve will hold out. . .

Monday, November 09, 2009

Sunday Stealing: The Strange Question Meme, Part 2

26. What color is your watch? Gold

27. What do you think of when you hear “Australia”? Emily, Sulky Girl, Fusion

28. Would you strip for money? Probably not

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru

30. What is your favorite number? 14

31. Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone? N

32. Any plans today? work, lunch with M

33. In how many states have you lived? Let me think a minute -- four

34. Biggest annoyance right now? W

35. Last song listened to? No idea

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? Not well

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house? Used to, before I got too poor

38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? Black, boxy flats by Dr. Scholls. Very comfy, not stylish at all, but very comfy.

39. Are you jealous of anyone? Yes

40. Is anyone jealous of you? Are you kidding me? What on earth could there be to be jealous of in this train wreck?

41. Do you love anyone? Yes

42. Do any of your friends have children? Yes

43. What do you usually do during the day? Work

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now? No

45. Do you use the word hello daily? Probably not; I'm more a hi person than hello.

46. What color is your car? Black

47. What size wedding ring do you wear? Well, I'm not wearing one, but the one I have is a 6

48. Are you thinking about someone right now? No, I'm concentrating on this meme.

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Only a gazillion times.

50. How did you get your worst scar? Falling on the merry-go-round in first grade

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Thursday Therapy: Sometimes You Just Need a Break

Therapy this week was more like a chat with a friend than therapy. I wondered, oh a little more than halfway through, if this was a good use of therapy time. I’m still not sure, but I think it wasn’t all so awfully bad to be a little more low key than the intense heart wrenching sessions we’ve had lately.

Anyway, we started out with my questions about how I handled N’s recent line of questioning (as detailed in last week’s TT post). Freud said I handled it not so badly and gave me a few suggestions of how to respond in the future to similar things. One suggestion was to add to what I said some inquiry as to how N is feeling about things and trying to draw out what it is that motivated his asking so that I might be able to address the feelings behind the questions. For example, if N is worried about whether or not W will continue to live with us and what that might mean for N if I kick W out again then I could address those worries.

Also, I did report a success to Freud, one that I’ll admit I’m pretty darned proud of. A few days ago W and I were discussing the meds I’m on for my depression (there was some confusion with the refill of the prescription between me, the pharmacy and doctor so I ended up going a few days without them), and I mentioned that I felt that I really needed them because they make me a whole lot more able to deal with life. He replied that he didn’t think there was anything wrong with me, that I was just fine without the meds. Instead of kowtowing to W and just shutting up like I used to do this time I spoke up for myself. I told him, not shouted but just said in measured tones, that I don’t appreciate him discounting the things I say. I told him that just because I may be able to hold things together on the outside to present to the world a façade of “okayness” doesn’t mean that’s how I feel on the inside. I went on to say that I would appreciate it if he would respect the things I say and believe them rather than arguing with me about them. He actually then apologized to me, a real apology too not just “I’m sorry you feel that way” (his standard apology) but “I’m sorry. I won’t do that to you again.” (Not that I believe he really won’t because he probably will, but at least he was apologizing for what he himself did and not how I felt about it so that’s progress.)

Maybe I just felt negative about therapy this week because it wasn’t hard, wasn’t ugly, caused no tears, and I didn’t leave with a mental laundry list of all the things I need to work on. Maybe I’m just not used to celebrating, or even acknowledging, my own successes. Maybe it’s okay that sometimes therapy, and life, doesn’t have to wallow in the misery, the bad, the stuff that needs fixing. Maybe it’s okay to just sometimes say “Yay me!”

Yay me!

Monday, November 02, 2009

Sunday Stealing: The Strange Question Meme, Part 1

1. What is the color of your toothbrush? Purple

2. Name one person who made you smile today. N

3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Driving to work

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Sitting in a training session

5. What is your favorite candy bar? Lately it’s been Butterfinger

6. Have you ever been to a strip club? Many times

7. What is the last thing you said aloud? Thank you (to coworker who was training me)

8. What is your favorite ice cream? Baskin Robbins Chocolate Peanut Butter

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee

10. Do you like your wallet? I suppose

11. What was the last thing you ate? A piece of jerky

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Why yes I have

13. The last sporting event you watched? Illini football, and in a rare but wonderful move, they won! Against Michigan! Muck Fichigan as we often say here in Illini territory.

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Kettle Corn – a little salty, a little sweet, mmmmmmm. . . . . . . . .

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? M

16. Ever go camping? Love it!!

17. Do you take vitamins daily? Nope, not even weekly, monthly or irregularly

18. Do you go to church every Sunday? No, but almost

19. Do you have a tan? There’s a reason I’m called the Palest Human on Earth you know

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? No way, not even close

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? Most of the time

22. What did your last text message say? Outgoing – “Awesome. 100 mtg may not run the whole hour. I’ll text when I’m on my way.” Incoming – “Sounds good”

23. What are you doing tomorrow? Work, therapy/counseling, cooking dinner, helping N with homework, just the usual stuff

24. Favorite color? Other than orange and blue, purple

25. Look to your left; what do you see? 2009-10 Fighting Illini basketball roster and schedule, fifth grade band concert schedule, and various pieces of N’s art work, all posted on my cork board