Sunday, April 30, 2006

J and I Finally Meet

Yesterday was the day. As I posted yesterday, I really approached our meeting with sadness, filled with regrets from the past, certain that I had built up fantasies that couldn't possibly be met. I knew that I was not only 20 years older but about 85 lbs heavier than the last time I had seen J. I was certain he would be absolutely disgusted by the fat old woman in front of him. Funny thing is J has also aged, losing much hair from the top of his head, and probably gaining about the same 85 lbs I have. We did not recognize one another at first, just as we suspected would happen. Finally he asked me if I was waiting for someone, and recognizing his voice and the sparkle in his eyes, I said yes that I believed I was waiting for him. We hugged. We hugged a hug that said we had missed each other for 20 years and neither of us wanted to let go. But as we were standing in the middle of a busy mall, letting go seemed prudent. We talked. I teared up a time or two as I apologized to J for disappearing so many years ago, as I tried to explain why although there isn't any really good explanation as to why.

We went to lunch, or I should say, J had lunch. I had a soda because that was all I had room for with all the butterflies in my stomach. We talked about all that had happened to us in the last 20 years, jobs, relationships, kids, major events. Each of us gave a brief history. We each asked each other questions and answered the best we could. We showed each other pictures of our families.

As lunch ended, J asked me where I wanted things to go from here. I told him I would first really like to know where he wanted things to go. He said that given the state of his marriage (his wife just served him with divorce papers this week) that he would not have regrets about anything we might do, and he would leave the decision up to me. I shared with him the conversation W and I had on Thursday where the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy was established, and told J that I would have no regrets about anything that we decided to do. J asked me what I wanted to do. I said, "Let's do it."

We left the mall. Then we ran into logistical problems. I obviously could not put a hotel room on my credit card because W would see the charge. J shared that his credit card bills still go to his wife so he also couldn't charge a room. We drove around trying to figure out other options. We ended up parking in a local park. Although it was fairly deserted, it was the middle of the afternoon, broad daylight, and we just couldn't do more than some kissing and light petting, quite reminiscent of our activities in our younger days. We talked and talked and kissed and talked and kissed. He held me in his arms as we talked. He pulled me toward him as we kissed and made me feel truly wanted, a feeling I haven't had in a very long time.

As dinner time approached we discussed where to go. We ended up at Olive Garden with an hour wait. We stood and waited, talking comfortably. The butterflies had long since abandoned my stomach. We had a lovely dinner, and all too soon it was over and time to go home and return to reality. W called just as we were leaving the restaurant to find out when I would be home (he thought I was out shopping). I told him I would be home soon. J drove me back to where my car was parked at the mall. We kissed some more and told each other "I love you." I got out, got into my car, and J drove away.

During our dinner conversation, J and I both agreed that we both owe it to our current families to try to make those marriages work. We agreed that neither of us would interfere with the efforts of the other to do that. However, we also acknowledged that if things don't work out in our current situations, we would like to work on a relationship between the two of us. I don't know how any of this is going to play out, but I am at least more at peace with the situation. I know where I stand with J.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Feeling Very Sad

W and I talked, again, last night about the problems in our marriage. I even told him that I increasingly feel as though I am in this marriage only out of obligation - obligation to our son to provide an intact home, obligation to W to take care of him, obligation to the vows I made almost 18 years ago - not because I feel loved or loving. It's probably the most honest thing I've said to W in a long, long time.

W wants to work on the marriage, wants to go to counseling (after he refused for so very long). I should be happy about this turn of events, but somehow I'm not. It is as though I checked out of this relationship a while back, and now I'm not sure that I want to check back in. However, I know that counseling may help me be ready to check back in just as much as it may be able to help W to be emotionally available to me. So we will give it a try, and I will try to approach it with an open mind.

Meeting J today has taken on much less significance to me in the last day or so. I realize what a game I've played in my head, what fantasies I've allowed to run wild. I'm sure the reality is going to be much less exciting than the fantasies. I have spent much too much time dwelling on J and feel that now I just need to meet with him today to get him out of my system and return myself fully to my real life. In some ways it pains me to say this because I have enjoyed my fantasies of a life with J for so long that I will miss them. Yet I know I've got to stick to reality. W is real, and wants to keep what we have. J is just a memory, a fantasy, someone from the past that I should have just kept in the past.

It is sad to give up the fantasy.

It is sad to go back to the boring day-to-day reality.

It is sad to look back on long ago choices, regret them deeply and have no way to make it right again.

There is nothing but sadness in me right now.

Friday, April 28, 2006

One More Day

There's just one more day until we meet, J and I.

I'm not nearly as excited about it as I once was. I think I've been looking at J as a way out of my current situation. My current situation is that I am stuck in a marriage with a much older man who loves me very much and depends on me to take care of him. I used to love him, but I can honestly say I really don't any more. His personality has changed over time, and he's not the same man I married 18 years ago. I'm sure I'm not the same either. I don't love him, but I do feel an obligation to him. After all, I did marry him which is supposed to be a lifelong commitment.

I really need to decide what to do about W separate and apart from whatever goes on with J. I've got to step back here and decide what is going to be best for me, either to stick it out for W and our son, or to call it quits.

I'll still meet J tomorrow. We'll talk. If nothing else, maybe I can put the crazy fantasies out of my head with a nice big dose of reality.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

An Interesting New Twist

W and I had lunch together today. He and I discussed our issues some more. It was an interesting discussion, held in hushed tones in a crowded restaurant, all about him not only not being able to physically perform but also that he just doesn't get turned on anymore and has no interest in it.

On the drive back to my office, W also told me that he thinks that I'm a perfectionist and am too hard on myself for just being human.
"Okay," I said, "but how does this play out in this situation? Am I to take it easy on myself for the 'impure thoughts' that I am having?"
His answer was yes.
"Yet if I were to ease on from thoughts to acts should I still be easy on myself because I'm only human?"
Hmmm. . . this made him think for a moment.
"So," I continued, "how do I stop it from moving from thoughts to acts? Although maybe you aren't the right one to ask because when you were about my age and having thoughts you moved right on to the acts."
He agreed with that.
I pressed forward. "When you look back on your 'impure acts' of the past, looking only at your personal feelings, do you think you would have been happier had you stopped before the thoughts became actions?"
W replied, "No, I have never regretted the things I did. No, I can honestly say I'm happy with the choices I made."
"And yet," I continued, "you wouldn't be so pleased if I made the move from thoughts to actions?"
There was a pause as he turned into the driveway at my office building. I forget exactly what he said next because it wasn't entirely clear to me what he meant, but I replied to him, "So, are you saying if you gotta do it, do it?"
"Yes, just don't tell me about it."

So, I guess we're adopting our own little "Don't ask, don't tell" policy.

I think Saturday just became a whole lot easier.

Drowning - No Rescue in Sight

Only two more days until J and I meet. I don’t know that last night’s phone conversation made anything easier. I’m still on pins and needles, incredibly nervous about what Saturday will bring.

No less than three times in the last week, I have tried to talk to W about our marital problems. While I have not mentioned J or my plans for this Saturday, I have talked in general terms about how if someone showed interest I would have difficulty saying no due to the lack of intimacy in our marriage. While actual intercourse is physically impossible, nothing physical prevents us from kissing, touching, cuddling. Each time W’s answer has been that he will be more affectionate with me. However, very little changes. He still comes to bed and rolls over away from me although last night he did kiss me twice before rolling over. When I rub his back for him he thanks me but doesn’t reciprocate. If only he’d throw me some sort of lifeline here (sorry, two kisses in one week isn’t much of a lifeline), it might be easier to not want J so badly.

In one of our conversations, I told him that I would feel really guilty if I gave in to temptation with another man, that I know it would hurt him. He said that no, he would understand. I could see though that there was hurt in his eyes just from talking about it and said as much to him. He didn’t argue. How can I even consider hurting this man with whom I have spent the last 20 years? Then again, why can't he see how much he is hurting me through his coldness towards me?

We Finally Talked

J called this evening. We talked but didn't really say anything, basically repeating a lot of what is in our emails. We talked for more than 30 minutes. J doesn't sound at all like he did 20 years ago. He said the same about me. We joked about not recognizing each other when we meet on Saturday, that we'll be standing right next to each other and not realize it. At least we finally settled on a time and a place - a restaurant in the mall at 12:30. He asked me how I was going to dress. I told him I'd be dressed like a slob because I can't leave the house looking any different than I would look on any other Saturday. Actually, I'm thinking that I will take something to change into along the way, but I didn't tell J that.

The entire conversation was filled with innuendo. I tried to get J to quit dancing around things and come to the point, but he wouldn't. He's still the same J he was 20 years ago, at least in that respect. At one point I said to J, "You know we're coming awfully close to playing with fire, don't you?" "Probably," he said. When the conversation was coming to an end and we were saying our goodbyes J said, "I still love you." "I still love you, too" I replied.

Well, talking on the phone clarified one thing for me. I've got it bad for J. I really, really do. Right now I can't stand the thought that we might lose each other again, that due to circumstances we may not be able to have the relationship we would like to have, that I feel an overwhelming duty to stay with my husband in spite of our many problems.

Oh God. Why can't life be easy?

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Flip Flop

I flip flop from day to day, almost hour to hour, in how I feel about this whole situation, and in what I hope for.

Goodness. How did I ever get myself into this predicament?

By making a series of stupid decisions 21 years ago:
  1. Getting involved with W, a married man 27 years older than me.
  2. Allowing myself to get too anxious about J not being ready to get married.
  3. Marrying W after his divorce became final even though I knew I still loved J.
  4. Not changing my mind and returning to J when he wrote to me shortly after I got married, but staying in the marriage because I didn't want to have a failed marriage (maybe better then than now though).

Yep, you make your bed, you lie in it. I've made one hell of an uncomfortable bed for myself.

So what is best for all involved now?

(A) Stay with W, and tell J we must stay away from one another.

(B) Stay with W, and carry on a relationship with J behind W's back.

(C) Leave W, and work on a real relationship with J.

Clearly (A) is the logical and moral choice as it continues an intact home for my son and allows J to work through his problems with T to either a reconciliation or divorce, (C) is the one I most want to do (for the moment, but ask again later it may be different) and (B) is the one I'm afraid I will wimp out and do in order to try to have it all. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure (B) will be the most hurtful of all the choices.

Of course, all of this assumes that I have a say in what happens. If J just isn't interested then that pretty much makes the choice for me. But then again, if J isn't interested why is he emailing me the way he is?


What Have I Done?!?

Tonight J sent this:

I am almost at a loss for words. I really am not sure what will happen. I am not sure what to say. How would I break your heart? I am not sure reminding you that I have a possible detachment in a relationship helps your mind or clouds it even more. You said you really wanted to see me. What were you hoping would happen? That intrigues me. I am flexible.
What do you expect to happen? I am not setting you up. I obviously know that we need to and want to get together. Who knows? I don't know. We will talk more later. I am sure we both have more to say on this. This gets more interesting all the time. Do you want to meet at the mall, restaurant, or hotel? Just kidding... Let me know!


Twenty minutes later J sent this email

It's me again. You figure after 21 years, one WOULD be incredibly nervous beyond imagination. I am not out for revenge if that is what you mean. I would have liked for you to have had more patience back then and gave me more of a chance. I don't know what will happen. You said you hoped I was hoping the same way you were about meeting. You might want to explain yourself. Just pick a spot, a time, and I will nervously as I am sure you will show up. I am sure this makes it even more a tense time since we were a little more than friends then. We as we have mentioned still have feelings for each other that we have put aside due to life. Saturday would end at least 2 decades of not seeing each other. Other than that I have absolutely not much of an agenda, especially not revenge. Do you have an agenda? I hope I have helped in a small way, and not made it worse. Hope to hear from you soon.


So I replied back shortly thereafter


You have made it much, much better. Sometimes my very overactive imagination runs away with me. I will admit to being fearful that you would like to have some sort of revenge on me. I don't know what, but it doesn't matter now. I'm just glad that that isn't in the plan. What I guess I meant by breaking my heart is that it would break my heart to find out that you wanted nothing more to do with me than get revenge on me. I am looking forward to a friendship with you as I seem to be a little short on friends these days so to lose out on a friendship with you would be a heartbreaking loss to me.

What am I hoping for on Saturday? A very nice long chat. I will admit that my marriage is rocky at best right now, but it certainly wouldn't be helped by me doing something stupid not that I haven't thought about it. Besides, I'm not at all sure you would feel that way about me anyway.

I don't care where we meet, and I just don't know the area over there that well. I thought maybe you would have a better idea than I could come up with. Remember, way back when I was here before the only thing there was insert name of mall here!

If you want to discuss when and where over the phone, you could call me on my cell tomorrow evening between 6:00 and 7:00 p.m. I'll have a little time to talk then.


Maybe I should have left it at that. But no, I woke up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. I toddled off to the computer.

This morning, at 2:30 a.m. I sent this email


I wasn't 100% honest in my last reply to you, and I want to set the record straight.

Okay, the first part was true. I really was afraid you were just out for revenge and am relieved to know that is not the case.

However, I had read more between the lines than I should have, and thought that possibly, just possibly, you were interested in more than just getting together for a nice little chat somewhere. Perhaps because my marriage is in bad trouble, because my husband and I have not been intimate for over a year, because he didn't even remember to get me a birthday card or present, I was more prone to reading more into the things you were saying than what was actually there. So, yes, I was wondering, maybe even hoping, for an affair. Yet it would be wrong. I know that. I have never been unfaithful to my husband, ever. So I had kind of talked myself down from that line of thinking, but not entirely. I kind of threw the ball your way with my questions to try to find out where your expectations were. I am glad that you replied back the way you did because it takes some pressure off of me. I was afraid of myself. Afraid that I would not say no to things that I should say no to.

I write all this just to try to clarify for you what is going on with me and my whacky email questioning your motives behind our getting together. I have, in my mind, made such a big mountain out of a molehill. Of course, if you remember me at all, you know that's what I do best.

I am very much looking forward to seeing you on Saturday. It will be nice to talk face to face rather than through emails which, obviously, can leave some of us (as in me) rather dazed and confused.


So there we are. I don't know if I've totally blown it by showing my hand. Only time will tell.
Shit, I feel like I'm living in my very own soap opera - overly dramatic and taking way too long to get the story wrapped up.
However, maybe it is the drama queen inside me, but part of me is enjoying the turmoil. In some ways, no matter what happens on Saturday, it is going to be a letdown because the anticipation, the dread, the hope, the fear, all of it will be finished. And I now have the feeling that once we meet on Saturday, the relationship will probably be finished too. How can we possibly feel the same as we did 20 years ago? How can we pick up where we left off? How can we move forward together when neither of us is truly free? The answer to all of these is that we can't. When we see one another, we won't feel the same as we did 20 years ago. We have both changed, and maybe not all for the better. We can't pick up where we left off because of all the changes that have happened, and we certainly have no way to move forward with any type of meaningful relationship with one another as long as we have others to consider. Shit, I have just spent two weeks of my life fantasizing about something that can never be. I've put myself into an absolute emotional tailspin over nothing. I have got to return to the reality of my life and quit playing games.

God, I'm fucked up.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

I am Angry

Yes, I am angry. I figured this out while talking to my therapist today.

I am angry that:
  1. My husband and I don't have sex anymore (due to a physical/medical problem on his part so I'm not really allowed to be angry about it because it isn't his fault).
  2. I know my husband had affairs during his first marriage for similar reasons as I have now, but would be hurt if I did the same.
  3. I'm only in my 40's and seem to have no prospect of ever having sex again (unless I do decide to have an affair with J).
  4. No matter how many ways I justify it, adultery is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Okay, so I'm pissed off. I really am. It is not fair that I'm not getting any. I just want to go off and throw a really good temper tantrum about it. Damn it! I want sex!

Excuse me while I go sulk for a while.

Waiting. . . waiting. . . waiting. . .

Yes, right now I'm just waiting (not patiently, I might add):
  • Waiting for a response from J to my last email.
  • Waiting for my therapist appointment today so I can talk some of this out.
  • Waiting for Saturday to finally be here.
  • Waiting to get over this obsession with J.

Now, that last one is kind of interesting because I haven't just been obsessing about J for the last few weeks. Oh no. This is a longstanding obsession. J has often been in my thoughts throughout the last 20 or so years. I dream about him occasionally, dreams about us getting back together. Maybe meeting with him will help me get over my obsession, or maybe it will fuel it. I don't know.

I'm so tired of waiting. I so much want to make some step in some direction. Aaaargh.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Hurtling Headlong into the Future

Yesterday afternoon's email:

Hi Trueself,

Hope to hear from you soon, about our rendezvous.... We can meet just about anywhere over there. I think it will be an interesting week, just thinking about it, don't you think?

Did you go to a game this weekend? It is always the time to go when these 2 teams are hooked up. Gotta run...Hope to hear from you soon.



So this morning I just plunged headfirst off the cliff with this email:


Maybe it would be better if you name the place. You are probably more familiar with zzzzz than I am. I don't get over that way very often.

Also, I'm just gonna 'fess up here that I am incredibly nervous about seeing you. I'm a little afraid that you are setting me up and only want to meet to break my heart the way I imagine I may have broken yours some years ago. If that is the case, please just go ahead and tell me. I will still meet with you, you deserve that, even if that is the case, but I would like to know what to be ready for. If, on the other hand, you are truly looking forward to seeing me the way that I am looking forward to seeing you, then yes, it will be an interesting week of anticipation.

Please, tell me what you hope happens this Saturday because right now I'm an emotional wreck trying to figure out if this is gonna be a good thing or a bad thing.



Well, it's either gonna get a whole lot worse from here or, hopefully, a whole lot better. Worse, of course, would be to hear that he's just messing with my head and really wants to hurt me like I hurt him. If that happens, I will truly be devastated. What would I rather hear? That he's as uncertain of this situation as I am, that he just wants to get together and talk and see where it all leads from there. That he wants to take things slowly, but that he doesn't want to lose me again. To me, that would be the perfect message.

OMG, my head's going to explode waiting for an answer.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Getting Down to Details

Yesterday morning, me to him


It's possible that I could get together either April 29 or 30, but I wanted to check with you first before I make plans. Do either of these days work for you, and what time would work well? As far as where to meet, do you want to come to xxxxx, or me come to yyyyy, or should we meet somewhere in the middle? Let me know your thoughts.



Last night, him to me

Hi Trueself,
I really don't know. I have as far as I know no plans either day, unless I attend church Sunday morning like I usually do. Anyway, I don't know of a whole lot of places to meet in yyyyy. I could come that way, or we can meet in zzzzz or something. Whatever you want to do...I'm kind of free to do whatever at the moment. Let me know any more thoughts.


Last night, me back to him


I will try to figure out someplace around zzzzz where we could meet. Let's plan on Saturday, April 29, in the early afternoon. We can firm up exactly where and when before then.


So here I am, ready to step into the abyss in a little more than a week.

Part of me thinks that there isn't anything wrong here. We're just going to talk. I'll learn where I really stand, what J really wants out of this. It doesn't mean anything wrong has to happen.

Then there's this other part of me that feels like I've already committed adultery just through the deception of the email exchange, planning to meet in secret, wanting J with such strong feelings.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

My Life as a Law & Order episode

I've been letting my paranoid delusions into my thinking about this whole situation too darn much.

My thinking goes along two different lines:
  1. What if J isn't the one sending the emails? Although we've given each other our cell phone numbers, neither of us has used them. What if J's wife has access to his email account and is planning to draw me into a confrontation with her?
  2. What if J is sending the emails, but is using them to set me up for some plan of revenge, to make me pay for breaking his heart 20 years ago?

I'm thinking scenario #2 is the more likely one so here's my synopsis of my Law & Order episode (probably the version with Vincent Donofrio):

The show opens showing Trueself pulling into a parking lot at a park. She gets out and walks towards J who is waiting for her at a picnic table. J gets up and embraces Trueself. He suggests they go for a walk while they talk. Trueself agrees and they walk off down a trail through some trees chatting amiably. Shortly, a scream is heard and thereafter J returns to the parking lot, a bloody handprint on his shirt. He runs to his car, gets in and takes off quickly.

Opening credits roll. When we return from commercials we see uniformed officers interviewing people in the parking lot. One woman remembers part of J’s license plate number and the color of the car but doesn’t know the make or model. Another witness thinks it to be one of two models. Down the path a ways, two detectives along with other officers are looking at the crime scene including Trueself’s dead body lying just off the trail covered in blood. Nearby is a police marker next to a bloody knife.

The detectives go to Trueself’s house and inform her husband of her death. He is clearly devastated and visibly shaken. They judge him to be quite a bit older than his wife who, according to her drivers license had just turned 43. He invites them in, and they share with him how Trueself was killed and where. They ask the usual questions such as where he was at the time of the killing (at home) and did he know anyone who might want to kill Trueself (no, nobody at all) and were they having any marital problems (well, she had some trouble with depression lately, but no, basically they were happy in their married life).

The investigation begins. Trueself’s email accounts and cell phone records are obtained and checked. A series of emails between J and Trueself are found including one setting up their meeting in the park on the day of the murder. Her cell phone records indicate a small number of calls to a number later determined to belong to J. At the same time, a check is run on the partial plate number along with the possible car models. A few possibilities turn up including J. The detectives ask Trueself’s husband if he knows J. No, he says, but he thinks his wife had a high school boyfriend with this name. This is looking like an open and shut case. But of course, we’ve barely gotten into the hour of the show so you know there will be complications.

Commercial break

As one might expect, no fingerprints are found on the knife at the scene. The detectives arrive at J’s house to take him to the station to question him. At first, he claims he knows nothing about the murder, but after being confronted with some of the evidence starts to backtrack on his story and asks for his attorney.

Blah, blah, typical Law & Order investigation stuff. Courtroom stuff ensues. By the end of the hour the real story has finally been revealed.

Turns out what really happened was J did lure Trueself to the park with the intention of confronting her as he felt she had ruined his life years ago. His intention was to tell her off, but had no intention of physically harming her. Trueself’s husband had found out about the meeting and was sitting in his car in the parking lot at the park when the murder occurred. When he saw J come out with blood on his shirt he left before the authorities arrived. Trueself’s husband had conspired with J’s estranged wife not to kill Trueself but to kill J. When J’s wife had emerged from the trees a struggle ensued with Trueself actually being stabbed instead of J. J’s wife tried to grab J by the shirt leaving her bloody handprint on the shirt. J got away and ran. J’s wife ran the other direction to her car parked along a road on the other side of the park and left without being seen.

In the end, both J’s wife and Trueself’s husband are convicted for their parts in the murder.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Reading between the lines


Yes, I would love to see you. It is kind of hard to kick your butt if not in person. HA HA!
Anyway, I would figure I'd email you instead of calling. That is because I work days (M-F), ans this way you can think about when and where. You can email me or call me. You can email me, call me, leave voice mail...whichever you prefer. Anyway, catchng up is just part of wanting to meet. I have to go for now, but let me know soon.


So that's the reply he sent last night. Note the part about catching up being only part of wanting to meet. I'm reading "Let's have an affair" between the lines. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is just wishful thinking on my part. OMG, somebody stop me before I do something really, really wrong and really, really stupid.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Playing with Fire - Today's email


Thanks for your latest email. It is a relief to finally have some things out in the open.

You had mentioned in an earlier email a desire for the two of us to meet to talk. Are you still interested in doing that? I know I’ve answered your questions, but I would still like to talk to you in person sometime. As far as when and where we could get together, I’m not too sure. Between work and family obligations I don’t have a lot of spare time, but I will try to make the time if you will.

I have a couple of reasons I would like to get together with you. For one thing, I would like to have the chance to say face-to-face how sorry I am for hurting you and being an idiot way back then. I treated you badly, and I have regretted it for many, many years. For another, I would love to just sit and catch up with you on all the things that have happened over the years.

If you do still want to get together, email me back or call me. I have my cell phone with me most of the time during the day. Days are the best time to reach me as evenings tend to consist of a lot of family stuff. Also, I tend to leave my phone in my purse when I’m at home and don’t always hear it. If I don’t answer my cell phone during the day it probably means I’m in a meeting and can’t answer, but you can leave a voicemail message if that happens.



So will he read between the lines to what I'm wanting to say but can't say? He is a man after all so maybe he will read it at face value. Speaking of which, have I read too much between the lines of his emails? Am I fooling myself to think that he misses me as much as I miss him?

I'm an Idiot

Yep that's me. My true self is an idiot. I want what I want when I want it.

Reasons for wanting J:
1) I love him.
2) I'm looking for a way out of my current marriage.

Reasons I shouldn't want J:
1) He is newly separated, not even certain his marriage is over.
2) I am married, with a son.
3) My son deserves an intact family with both parents.
4) My husband deserves a faithful wife.
5) It is morally wrong.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Q&A with Trueself

Would you react the same way if any other boyfriend from the past came back into you life? In other words, are you just grasping at anyone?
No. I can honestly say if B, K, or C (the other “serious” boyfriends I had in my youth) showed renewed interest in me now I would completely blow them off. As a matter of fact, I do still hear from B, and I have not once thought about him in the way I think of J.

What makes J different?
I love him, always have, and I guess I always will. I truly believe it was stupid of me to let him go way back when, and I didn’t let him go because I was mad at him or fell out of love with him or anything like that. I let him go because I wanted marriage and kids so bad and was too impatient to wait for him to catch up with me.

Do you deserve a second chance with J after you treated him the way you did?
Absolutely not. There is no reason in the world that he should want to have anything to do with me at this point. I am extremely fortunate that he is willing to have any kind of relationship with me, even a platonic one.

Can you be satisfied with just a platonic relationship with J?
I suppose I’ll have to be, particularly if the choice is platonic or no relationship at all, and that seems to be the choice right now.

Have you considered the feelings of your husband and son if you were to act on your desires with J?
You bet. That’s why I will not actively pursue an intimate relationship with J. However, if J were to pursue me, I’m almost certain I would not say no.

So do you still love your husband?
Yes, although I'm not sure I like him all that much these days. We've had our problems in the last few years. I want to stick to the "for better and for worse" and "in sickness and in health" parts of the vows. It ain't easy though, not easy at all sometimes.

And how do you feel about having a hard time saying no to J?
Scared, anxious, excited. Scared that I could mess up my life by having an affair. Anxious that it couldn’t possibly live up to my fantasy of it. Excited that the possibility of an affair even exists.

What do you really want to have happen?
I don't know. Part of me really, really wants a relationship with J. I don't mean just an affair either. I want a real relationship with him as in dating, intimacy, and probably eventually marriage. The other part of me wants to stay in my current marriage, make it work, not run away from it.

Why do you word it that way: "not run away from it"?
Because that is my instinct when things get tough, to run away, to flee from whatever is difficult, and to run to something better, or at least different. I'm not saying it's a good strategy, just the one that typically pops up first in my thinking.

Were you and J intimate when you dated as teens and young adults?
The farthest we ever went was kissing and above the waist petting. Pretty tame stuff, but memories of it can still get me pretty worked up.

How long did you and J date back then?
I think it was from the time I was a junior in high school, maybe not until senior, until about a year after I graduated college. We weren't exclusive though. At least I wasn't. I dated C and K during college, but always had J as my backup boyfriend back home. K and I were even engaged for a while, but I never broke up with J because of it.

Transcript of emails so far

All names changed to protect me and the others impacted by this.

Original email from J
Hi Trueself,

How have you been? I haven't heard from you in quite a long time. What have you been up to? There has been a question I have been wanting to ask you for a long time, and if I ever get a chance I will ask you. Anyway, are you going to try to come to Balloonfest this year? I lost that email that had your cell phone# on it. Do you want to give it to me again? My cell # is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Write back when you can...


My Reply

Hi. It's been a tough year and a busy one. I haven't been so good at keeping up with people.

My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer last summer. He had surgery and radiation treatment and now is thankfully doing pretty well on that front. However, he fell last fall and broke both his shoulder and kneecap and continues to deal with pain from that.

So you have a question for me, eh? My gift list for my birthday perhaps? It's coming up on the xx of this month, but really you don't need to get me anything. Seriously though, ask me anything. I'm an open book.

When is the balloonfest? Can you believe I've never ever been to it? I'm sure my son would love it. Maybe we will try to get over there this year.

My cell # is xxx-xxx-xxxx.


J's reply last week

You sound as if you have had quite a bit on your plate. I wouldn't want to go through all of that, nor would I want a spouse to go through it. Anyway...Balloonfest is usually the third weekend of August. If that holds true then I believe it will be the 18th - 20 th of August. Our church has a booth out there every year. I bet you wouldn't of guessed that I remember when your birthday is. You will be *** years old. Ha Ha...I will behave and not say it. I would send you a card if I knew where to send it.

Do you really want to know what has been on my mind for a long time? Please don't get upset but you said you were an open book... Granted I haven't had this on my mind 24/7 for 21 years, but on occasion I would think about it. Here goes...I know that in school I was a classic introvert, which didn't help in relationships. I really liked you and wasn't able to show it as much as I would have liked. I guarantee if that wasn't the case then that time you stayed at my house, you wouldn't have slept on the couch. You did fall asleep there. But anyway...I thought about what would have happened if things coiuld have worked out between us. My question is what happened exactly? You and I went to that baseball game that day and then you disappeared. Three years later, you wrote me and said you ran off because of your parents, and also got married. I hope you realize that it might explain leaving your parents, but not me. I am much extroverted now, so I can be bold and ask you about it. Will you tell me what really happened between us?

I know it doesn't much matter now all these years later. I was just hoping for some type of answers. Anyway, it won't affect our friendship now. I honestly have missed you and still do. I wouldn't mind seeing you sometime, just the two of us. For the longest time, I had understood that you had talked to my dad last, that night, but now he's passed on so I just had to wait for another opportunity to hear anything from or about you. I know this seems kind of wierd to bring this all up now, but I had to for my own piece of mind. hasn't consumed my life, but I was just wondering.

I bet you keep busy. I do too! I have been working in the Dept. of corrections for almost 15 years. I also have been singing, and was certified as a lay preacher 3 years ago. [OMG! I completely missed reading this part the first time I read his email. Surely I will burn in hell for wanting an affair with a preacher. OMG, I am such a skank.] I also am Unit Commissioner and a trainer for the Boy Scouts.

Well, I better quit for now. I might of made this too long. It might take you forever to read it....ha ha! Anyway, write back soon, and have a great birthday!!!


Then last Wednesday I sent the following

I suspected that your question might have been about that which is why I said that I'm an open book. I truly don't mind talking to you about it now. I hope that nothing I say hurts your feelings because that is the last thing in the world I would want to do. You have always meant a lot to me.

The short story is that I was young and stupid.

The long story is that I got tired of waiting for you. I wanted so badly to get married and have kids that I felt almost desperate to do so. I also suffered from low self-esteem (still do, but maybe not as bad) and was afraid if I couldn't find someone willing to marry me I was doomed to being an old maid. I know now that I probably should have waited for you to be ready. Anyway, along came W. He was older and married, but separated, and he pursued me. When he was transferred to State X, I went with him. I saw it as a chance to get away from my parents and, at that time, felt it might be my only chance at marriage and kids. So W and I married. It turned out that in spite of my desire for kids, my body betrayed me. I couldn't have kids. Not that we didn't try, but even going through infertility treatments didn't help. So eventually we adopted.

You'll never know the number of times I've wondered what would have happened if I hadn't left for State X, hadn't married W, had waited for you to grow up and be ready for a family. I love W, and I love my son. It doesn't keep me from wondering, though, what might have been. I imagine you would have tired of me as I've grown old and fat and set in my ways. I'm not sure we could have made it in the long run, but I don't know.

If I haven't already pissed you off somehow in this message, I'm sure this next part will scare you off for sure. I truly loved you when we were together and continue to love you or at least the you that I've got tucked away in my head and heart. I am torn between very much wanting to see you, and being terrified of seeing you for fear you would break my heart because I would finally be confronted with the fact that you are over me. Okay, my hands are getting sweaty just typing this. Dare I actually send this email to you? Oh, what the hell. The worst that can happen is that you will now hate me which is what I assumed had happened for years anyway.

I realize you and I have both moved on, married others, and that there is no chance that we could ever be together again. I truly hope that you don't hate me, and that we can be friends now and in the future. I hope I haven't blown that by revealing too much of myself here.


Then on Friday J emailed this

Okay...I guess it is time for a big fat dose of reality. Yes....I was terribly upset with you. Yes...I moved on then but even as I live my life from day to day, I still think about you and always will. Believe it or not, I had a feeling you were tired of waiting for me. I was brought up kind of strict as you were well aware of. I was raised to go to school first, get a good job and then think about girls. I wasn't as bad as A but that is the way that goes.

Here is the real kicker! You and I can both say that there is 100% certainty that we would never get together again for marriage purposes. That may be so. But God is the only one who can say for sure. I have been told I am set in my ways too. You never know though. The year you wrote me, I ended up dating a girl for 2 months. Then I met another, got married, had 3 kids. Dad passed away the following year. 11 years later, she ran off and now married again. I got married again to T, believe it or not. Now we are seperated, and that doesn't look good. I am not telling you to leave your husband, but I will tell you that if you and I would end up together 10 years from now, it would be God's will. I do wish you hadn't of gotten in so much of a hurry. I still love you and always will. I do think about you quite a bit. Even if I got married again tomorrow to someone then thinking about others would not stop. It doesn't work that way.

Yes, I did not like it, nor was I understanding of it or its reasons. Let me just say this. You are still, and always will be in my thoughts and prayers. Here is a big hug and kiss from me to you and have a happy birthday! Hope to hear from you soon!!!


So that's where we are now. I'm thinking it's not God's will, or J's, that we have an affair. (DUH! Don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out.) On the other hand, even though he is saying he isn't saying it, is he saying that I ought to leave my husband? Certainly, he has left a door open there, hasn't he? Yet, I don't want to leave my husband. I want to stay married and care for him and our son. Good grief, isn't there a way to have it all? No, of course not. Life is all about choices. Whenever you choose one thing, you are choosing not to have something else (or a lot of something elses). When you choose the roast beef, you're turning down the pork chops, the chicken, the pasta. When I chose my husband, I turned down J and whoever else might be out there dumb enough to care for me. I hate this. I want them both, J and W, but I clearly can't have them both. Boy, am I miserable, and a miserable excuse for a human being.

What to do? What to do?

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Afraid I've blown it

So J hasn't responded back yet to the email I sent in reply to his. I was probably too blunt.

Funny thing is I am alternately dying to check my emails (have checked at least half a dozen times today) and terrified that I will actually receive an email from J. I'm afraid when (if?) he responds that he will say I misinterpreted what he said in his email, and that he is not interested in me in that way anymore. That he was just looking for closure to the bad way our relationship ended so many years ago. That he is devoted to his wife and family and would never consider breaking their trust.

Oh dear. Maybe I did jump to conclusions. Maybe I was so desperately looking for something that I did misconstrue what he said.

Crap. I am so totally and completely messed up it isn't even funny.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Secrets and Lies

That's what this blog is all about. If you have happened upon this, you have happened upon all the stuff that I can't post in my regular blog. My regular blog has too many people who know me reading it, particularly my husband. Anything I post here is something I wouldn't want people who know me to know.

What has prompted this secret blog is an email I received and the response I sent back. An old high school boyfriend, whom I never stopped loving, emailed me. We have emailed before, light "how ya' doin'?" type emails. Today's emails were different. J indicated some level of "interest" (if you know what I mean). I took the bait. I emailed back and came right out with my true feelings for him.

Now I'm scared.

Scared that I'll scare him off.

Scared that I won't.

Scared that something more will happen.

Scared that it won't.

Scared that I could be this person that is considering having an affair.

See? This is the kind of stuff that can't be posted in a blog that your husband or friends might see.