Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Short Post

I guarantee this will be a short post because I'm creating it on my phone. I hate typing with my thumbs on this little tiny keyboard. Apologies in advance for typos that may occur due to my lack of thunb coordination.

Life rolls on. W remains W. N remains a 12 yr old boy with all that entails. TS2 remains untouchableand unaware of my feelings even though that gets difficult as she admires one woman or another. Sigh. . . J recently emailed me, first time in many months, maybe even a year. I don't suppose either of us will ever get over the other completely. Somehow I think there is an unbreakable connection there. BJ and I spoke for a while a couple of months ago. But then he fell off the face of the earth apparently. M occasionally texts me. So many men, so little relationship.

Church is good. A haven. I suppose that is what church should be. I agreed to head up a major committee this year. Hopefully that won't dampen my enthusiasm for church as only behind the scenes involvement can.

Work is work. Boss is still clueless. Love when he forces himself to chitchat with me in an effort to inspire a more teamlike atmosphere. (Note heavy sarcasm)

My typing ability has hit the wall. More update later from. A real keyboard.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Game, Set, No Match

(I know, I know. Try not to fall over. Two posts in three days. It's almost enough to scare a person. Maybe I'm getting my groove back.)

Thought I would answer a question from the comments on the last post. Whatever happened with the woman, TS2, who moved into the house?

TS2 is a part of the family now. She moved in the fall and quickly fell into the routine of the household. It took me a bit to get used to having an extra person around, particularly a talkative person. Apparently, I’m used to being the talkative one in the household and felt the sting of competition at a certain level. Yes, I know how shallow that sounds, and it is shallow I suppose. However, it is always a little jarring when a new element is thrown into the mix within a household, and it just took some time for everyone to adjust to each other. I would say we’ve all adjusted fairly well. We all do a few things here and there that annoy one another, and we all try to cut each other a little slack. All in all it is working itself out pretty well.

As far as my attraction to TS2 it has waxed and waned since she moved in. At first, I was minorly (okay, not a word according to spellchecker but dang it, if Sarah Palin can make up her own words so can I) obsessed with her. You know how that first crush feeling is when you’re just all moony over someone? Yeah, that was me. I quickly got over that as her personality started to clash some with mine (see earlier paragraph), and I decided she was despicable and impossible to get along with. (Yes, I have a flair for drama and overreaction. What of it?) Then I came around to getting along with her just fine but now realize that although I am still much attracted to her she doesn’t feel the same way, at least as far as I can tell. Also, I’ve come to a point where I value her friendship too much to risk it by hitting on her at least in any but the most subtle ways.

If I ever get a signal from her that she is interested in me then I would pursue it, but as long as she sends no overt signals I’ll just keep everything at a friendship level. I fully recognize that having W in the picture (not to mention the house) is a complicating factor that makes the situation almost impossible to resolve in any standard socially acceptable sort of way so I can’t much blame TS2 if she doesn’t want to get in the middle of that. I’m not particularly fond of being in the middle of it myself.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Super Glued in Place

So here we are -- new year and same old stuff. I am stuck in limbo. I think that's why I never write anymore.

I am stuck. I am here, in my life that I myself created this way, stuck with an old man who after struggling for several years to be healthy has seemingly come out the other side healthier than ever. Yes, W has gotten so many of his health issues under control and/or put behind him that he's looking like he just might live to be 100. Then again, maybe he is just too ornery to die. I don't know. Whatever the case, all indications are that he will be around for some time more, and thanks to my decisions I am stuck with him.

I'm in it for the long haul, and yet, in so many ways I'm not in it at all. He is housemate, not partner. He is friend, at best, not lover. He is just a part of the family who is here without there being strong emotions, positive or negative, between us at least on my part. It has been said that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. That is where I am regarding W -- indifferent. I don't have warm, fuzzy loving thoughts about him. Neither do I have raging, angry hateful thoughts about him. He just is. I just am. The whole relationship and situation just is. We just exist. . . in tandem. . . side by side. . . yet totally unconnected.

It's an odd situation, and yet I wonder how many others are out there going through similar things, going through the motions, looking to all the world as though not a thing in the world is wrong, while underneath it all is a vacuum, an empty void where the heart of the relationship should be. I'll bet there are more couples out there than any of us realize in a similar state -- no longer a couple but just two individuals still tethered by the thinnest of strands of relationship.

I am at my happiest when I view myself as single, an individual free to be me, free to do what I deem to be the best thing for me without regard for W. I am at my least happy when I subjugate myself to pacifying him, to helping him keep up his illusion (delusion?) of what our life is together.

So it's a new year. So what? Nothing really changes.