Monday, July 31, 2006

I'm such a loser

Met R yesterday for lunch. She was almost a half hour late. I just hate when people are late. As usual, I was about 15 minutes early so I had a really long time to wait. I almost gave up, thinking she was a no-show, an all too common occurrence in the lifestyle I find. However, she did show up, late, with her story of getting lost on the way to excuse her tardiness. (Sorry, I’m just chronically punctual and get really annoyed by others who aren’t probably due to the number of times in childhood my dad left me waiting on the school steps long after everyone else had been picked up.)

However, once R was there we hit it off pretty well. She seems very nice and is not a novice to the lifestyle like I had thought she might be. We talked for over three hours and found several interests we have in common. I was enthusiastic about her when we talked yesterday, but now I find myself rethinking certain things and wondering if I really want to go through with a threesome with her. Although she didn’t indicate that she would want money at all, she did make it very clear that her financial status is very poor. That makes me just a bit nervous as I really don’t want to pay for everything but would rather we all share the cost of any outings we might have together. We both talked about how we are looking for someone to be not just a bedroom buddy but a friend with whom we do other things socially, going out for meals and plays and so forth. I’m pretty sure she cannot afford that on her own so we would probably have to bear the cost of most of it. Hmmmm. . . Also, there is something about the way she talks about the number of people she has been with, and continues to be with, that gets to me. After the STD scare a couple of months ago, do I really want to be involved with someone that I know for a fact is involved with several others who themselves are probably involved with several others? Hmmmm. . .

Well, W is supposed to meet R this week sometime (no time yet arranged) so I’ll see what his feelings are after meeting her, and before he meets her I’ll share my reservations with him.

Maybe it’s not fair to hold up very high standards when looking for someone willing to be part of a threesome. Certainly, there would be no reason to expect the parties involved to not be promiscuous. Yet I can’t help but worry about the STD potential. Maybe those of us out there looking for these kinds of relationships are already so messed up that we can’t expect to find “normal” people out there to play with.

Now I remember what it was that turned me off of swinging all those years ago when we did it before. Shoot. I’m not sure I can go through with this. Shoot. In some ways, I’m such a prude. Shoot, shoot, shoot. I’m such a loser and a dork.

And on the other front, I haven’t heard from J since two weeks from yesterday – not an email, not a phone call, nothing. Nor have I contacted him. . . and I don’t intend to. . . I think. . .

Focus on W.
Focus on W.
Focus on W.
Focus on W. . .

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Too many things on my mind

Why hasn’t J called or emailed?
I’m going to meet R on Sunday. R is one of the women that responded to our ad for a threesome. We had hoped to have someone over last weekend, but it didn’t work out. We have been emailing back and forth with R all week. W and I can’t both meet her right now because somebody has to watch N so I’ll have lunch with R on Sunday. If she and I hit it off, then we’ll arrange for W to meet her sometime next week. We probably won’t be able to get all three of us together for a couple of weeks, until N goes away to camp.
W told me that he decided to call his doctor to discuss possible solutions to his ED. The doctor prescribed the infamous little blue pills. W hasn’t picked up the prescription yet although it was supposed to be at the pharmacy yesterday. I’m not sure what that means, or if it means anything. Guess I’ll just wait and see, but it makes me hopeful that we’re gonna try them out this weekend.
Why hasn’t J emailed or called?
Why does W often want to fool around when it’s going to make me late for something (like work) and not when we have plenty of time (like in the evening)? Is this a way to limit how long he has to spend on it?
R is two years younger than me, a little shorter, and from the looks of the picture she sent with one of her emails, just a bit heavier. I hope she is as nice in person as she is in her emails.
Why can’t I stop obsessing over J emailing or calling? I was feeling so much stronger last week. Where did that go?
I feel like I’m cheating on J by being with W and/or R. Don’t know why for sure. I certainly don’t owe J anything or have any commitment to him. Yet I feel more like I’m cheating on J than on W. Weird.
Why does J act jealous of W when J doesn’t want a committed relationship with me anyway?

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

If it's broke, should we fix it?

Once W started to take seriously the need to put our marriage in order, he started to pay attention to things I asked of him, particularly of an intimate nature. One of the things that he proposed to do was talk to his doctor about possible ways of dealing with his erectile dysfunction. Now keep in mind that I did not ask him to do this. He was the one that proposed it. Always before, he had said that he was accepting of his limitations and too embarrassed to ask his doctor if there was anything that might help. I accepted this and never asked that he broach the subject with his doctor. Penetration isn’t the “big thing” for me so if he was okay without it so was I. About a month or so ago though, W said he wanted to discuss it with his doctor. Okay by me. I asked if he was going to call and make an appointment. No, he already had a routine checkup scheduled at the end of July so he’d bring it up then. Okay. He has talked about it several times since then. Apparently, from what he said, he would like to see if he could regain function. I encouraged him as I thought that anything we do to improve our intimacy could improve our marriage. I even kind of looked forward to finding out if there was anything we could do because I do feel kind of selfish being the one that gets most of the pleasure from our intimate times. I would like W to be able to perform the way he would like.

His appointment was today. When I called to find out how it went, he said it went fine, and proceeded to tell me about the difficulty they had drawing blood, the bone density test they did, the adjustment to his blood pressure medication since his blood pressure is now almost too low. I listened patiently, but my one track mind was really waiting to hear about one particular topic. He finished telling me about his appointment without mentioning it at all. So I asked if he had talked to the doctor about it. No, he said that he forgot, but oh well, he has another appointment in three months so he’ll ask then. Okay, he has got pretty low libido if he can happily wait another three months to find out whether or not there’s a way to get “the South to rise again.” But then again this is the man who went without any intimacy at all for over a year and never missed it, and probably still wouldn’t if he didn’t have the pressure of me telling him flat out that I couldn’t remain completely celibate anymore.

I did mention to him that he doesn’t have to talk to the doctor about it at all if he doesn’t want to, that I can be satisfied without penetration. I thought maybe he was feeling pressured by me to ask about it so I wanted to reassure him that it was okay. No, he said, he wanted to ask for himself, not for me, but just forgot. Yeah, I would say we’re pretty much on two very different planes. That is one topic I wouldn’t be able to forget to bring up. For him, eh, no big deal.

Okay, okay, I admit it. It bugs me. It bugs me way more than I let on to W. It bugs me probably way more than it should. I just don’t get it. Quit sitting around whining about not being able to get an erection unless you are willing to actually find out for sure whether or not there’s something you can do about it! If you really don’t care, then shut up about it. If you really do care, then do something about it instead of just whining. Do or don’t do, pick one. Quit telling me you want one thing, but doing another. God, I sound like a broken record, but better to air it here than actually say it to W. Already came too close to that this afternoon.

100 Times on the Chalkboard

I will not contact J.
I will not contact J.
I will not contact J.
I will not contact J.
I will not contact J.
I will not contact J.
I will not contact J.
I will not contact J.
I will not contact J.
I will not contact J.
. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Monday, July 24, 2006

Weekend Update

W and I were childfree this weekend, and in an unprecedented two consecutive weekends with no arguing, we took full advantage of it. W seems to have made it his weekend mission to prove to me that he does indeed enjoy oral sex. We slept late on Saturday, made breakfast together, returned to bed and didn’t get up to shower until around 2:00 p.m. Apparently, I really wore him out because after we went out for a bite to eat he napped from about 5:00 p.m. until we went to bed at 10:30 p.m. Yesterday, we again slept late, skipped church and had our own private services of a much more carnal kind before heading over to my parents’ house to pick up N. The weekend ended with me sore, tired, and very, very satisfied.

The threesome thing didn’t work out for us. Neither of the women who originally responded ever answered our emails we sent. Bummer. We’ll keep trying, but our next chance probably won’t be until August when N is away at camp.

What surprises me at this point is that I still can’t keep J out of my thoughts. I really thought if things improved between W and me that thoughts of J would just fade away. They don’t. In fact, they are stronger today than they have been in a week. The temptation to contact J is greater today than it has been all last week, but I’m not giving in. I am not going to contact J. I just keep telling myself that. I am not going to contact J. I am not going to contact J. I am not going to contact J.

Friday, July 21, 2006


That’s how I feel my emotions and my thinking are, and have been for a while now.

I’m restless.
I’m unhappy.
I’m unsatisfied.
I’m antsy.
I’m confused.
I’m frustrated.

I change my mind from day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment. I make a decision on which way to head. Then I rethink the decision. I change my mind. I change it back. I start. I stop. I sit in the middle of the quagmire of my life unable to make progress in any direction.

This is me. This is my fault. I want everyone happy. I can’t have everyone happy. I sneak around to try to make me happy without making others unhappy. I’m not even sure what would make me happy. Certainly all that I am doing now is not making me happy. It is making me crazy.

I feel guilty when I pursue my own happiness. I feel that I should set aside my happiness in order to make others happy. Aren’t I supposed to make decisions based on logic, based on rational and sensible thinking, taking into account the facts of the situation? When is it okay for my feelings to come into play? Ever? Never? Sometimes? And how do I know when it is okay and not okay? Where is the line in the sand that distinguishes selfishness from reasonable expectations? I have no idea. None. And so I struggle.

Would I be happier if I left W? I don’t know. Would he? No. Would N? No. So I stay. I stay because it is the right thing to do, the thing that will make others happy. I stay because it is easier than leaving. Leaving takes courage. Staying is just staying. Can I shift my attitude so that I can be happy with W? Sometimes I think I can, sometimes I think not.

Should happiness even be the goal? My happiness? Others’ happiness? I don’t know. Maybe I’m striving for the wrong goal. Maybe happiness isn’t the ultimate goal. But what is? I’m not sure.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

New Attitude

Yep, I feel like I'm developing a new attitude. The last few months I have felt so strongly, so desperately, so intensely my desire for J. That is lessening. I'm becoming disillusioned. I'm realizing that he probably isn't a good long-term match for me. I'm also realizing that he and I don't have to be lovers to stay friends and to stay in touch with each other. Sex isn't the only thing we have together. So now I no longer sign on to email hoping to see that he has sent me something. I no longer hope every time my cell phone rings to see his name on the display. I would still like to continue our affair, but I don't feel that I would be devastated if we don't. I don't feel the strong need to contact him when I haven't heard from him in a while. I can wait (not sure how long, but so far I'm content without hearing from him).

This is definitely a new attitude. Healthier? Don't know, but it certainly has helped me to calm down and make me feel less desperate.

Of course, I don't know if this new attitude will continue with the next "Can we hook up?" email from J. Although they aren't the first thing I look for in my inbox anymore, an email from J definitely gets my heart pumping. I definitely still feel vulnerable to him and am pretty sure I would agree to another meeting if he requested it. And who knows what kind of attitude shift would follow from that?

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Tension and Frustration

My most recent frustration is one that is not new, but an ongoing problem. When it comes to intimacy and sex, W and I have talked, a lot, lately. I have made it clear that there is one thing, one specific activity that is really, really important to me. W swears that he likes this activity, wants to do this activity, and yet, when we have intimacy this activity very rarely occurs. I would like for it to occur without me specifically asking for it. I have told W this. He has agreed to do it without me having to ask for it. It doesn’t happen. We do all sorts of other things. We do things that are a real turn on for him. We do things that I really enjoy. But we don’t do the one specific thing that I want more than anything else. So I end up feeling let down when things are over.

I guess one thing that really bugs me is that from reading other blogs I can see that there are men out there that are more than willing and happy to participate in this particular activity. Why did I end up with someone who won’t, or at least won’t with any regularity? Oh sure, once I talk to him about it, again, he’ll do it. Once. The next time we are intimate. Feels like duty sex to me. Feels like getting it over with so we don’t have to do it again for a while. So now, even when we do it I don’t enjoy it. Because all I can think about is will he continue long enough for me to enjoy it fully, can I get the big “O” fast enough or will I miss out again? This, of course, keeps me from relaxing, making it take longer to achieve the big “O” and usually we just give up before we get there. His fault? My fault? We both have a share of the blame. The problem now is that it seems no matter how we approach this particular activity, we’ve discussed it to death, analyzed it from every angle, turned it into such a big deal that I can’t even find a way to enjoy it.

Adding to my frustration, J has not attempted this particular activity with me either of the times we’ve been together, and maybe because it has become such a huge issue between W and me I haven’t felt comfortable specifically asking J to do it. What if he too will not do it?

Now, I’ve deliberately avoided mentioning the particular activity so far in this post. I wonder if it matters. Would it make a difference if the activity I desired was something quite common versus something unusual or a little kinky? I don’t know. The fact of the matter is all I’m wanting is oral sex, something that I consider fairly mainstream and something I do for W on a regular basis. If he doesn’t want to do it for me, I wish he would just say so. Telling me he wants to do it, that he enjoys it, but then not doing it is just driving me insane.

And I’m not supposed to be tempted to stray?

Anonymity, Privacy, Secrecy

A few times on this blog I have made reference to this as my secret blog as opposed to my regular blog.

My regular blog is pretty mundane, sharing the day to day boring crap of a life I have. It has attracted several regular readers, including my husband W.

This blog, on the other hand, is devoted to my secret thoughts, my secret actions, my secret emotions, all the things that I don't allow W to see, don't allow most of my friends and acquaintances to see. This blog, if discovered by W, would reveal things to him that could very well end my marriage, or if not, at least make my life pretty damn miserable for some time.

So I lead a double, no actually triple, life.
First, I have my public life, the one I live day to day, the one that my coworkers and acquaintances see, the one that has nothing to do with who I really am.
Second, I have my regular cyberlife where I reveal more of myself than I do in the real world, but I still don't share all my secrets. I only share things that are acceptable to W to be shared with the world. I blog, I post on message boards, I email in this persona.
Third, I have my secret life and my related cyberlife where I reveal all the shit that I can't or won't reveal anywhere else. In my Trueself persona, I blog and comment on others blogs where I wouldn't want to use my regular cyber persona.

Now, my dilemma comes from wondering how long I can keep these lives separate and distinct. Maybe it is stupid that I try. I have to be careful when I am posting and commenting to make sure I am in the right persona. A couple of times I've caught myself about to make a mistake. I have to be careful not to reveal too much to W. He knows about J, but not that we've had sex with one another nor even that we've seen each other since the Saturday in late May when we met to say goodbye to one another. A couple of times I've come close to saying things that would reveal that J and I have seen each other recently. My biggest fear is that I will say something that will reveal too much, and my world will implode. How much simpler my life would be if I lived my life in such a way that it could be an open book. However, that is not the reality of my life, at least not at this time.

There are only two people besides myself that are aware of both my blogs as my blogs. They are both friends to whom I revealed the connection. Now I notice via Tracksy that there is a third IP address that has recently begun visiting both blogs on a regular basis. I have no idea who this person is, nor do I have any way of knowing whether this person has put together the connection between this blog and the other one or if it is one of those random coincidences that they found both. I have no idea if my "voice" is similar enough in this blog and the other one to lead a person to suspect a connection. I do know that if someone compared entries from various specific time periods they would see an uncanny correlation between the two blogs.

Anyway, it has all made me nervous enough that I could be "outed" on my regular blog that I turned comment moderation on over there. I just can't risk that W might read a comment where someone either inadvertently or deliberately made mention of the connection. My hope is that anyone who does make the connection respects my desire that my secrets remain my secrets. Comment as you will on this blog, but don't make mention on my regular blog of things revealed only here. Even if you do, I will simply reject them in comment moderation anyway.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


W and I have been talking, off and on, over the last month or so about resuming swinging which we did early on in our relationship but haven’t in several years. When he first brought it up I was not for it. I was too much involved in my mind with J and just couldn’t deal with one more thing at the time. Also, W was looking at it as a way to fix what was wrong with our relationship, and I thought it would probably have the opposite effect. However, as time goes on and J’s hold on me lessens and W and I are getting along better, I started to open myself up to the idea.

During our discussions, we’ve come around to the decision that if we could find the right woman we would like to have a threesome. W would be happy with either another couple or another woman, but we’re focusing on women because I’m just not that interested in men other than W and J right now. On the other hand, it has been a long time since I’ve been with a woman, and I miss it so finding a woman for a threesome seems like a good deal for both W and me.

We have one friend that we are both attracted to, but she has never given us the impression that she would be open to something like this. We don’t want to blow the friendship so we’ve decided to lay low on that one. What we did do though is put an ad out on the internet and so far we’ve gotten two responses. N is spending the weekend with his grandparents, so hopefully one of the ladies that responded will pan out, and we’ll be having some fun this weekend.

I would actually be posting this on my “regular” blog instead of my “secret” one except when I made some mention of it to W he was appalled that I would share any of this on my blog. So like all the other things that I can’t post where W will read it, this topic stays here. God, I’m in trouble if W ever finds out about this blog.

Monday, July 17, 2006

This Weekend was Different

Yes, that was a big sigh of relief you heard coming from my direction.

This weekend was different because it was peaceful. I think that it was the first weekend that W and I didn't argue with one another in more than two months. It finally felt like we were working together instead of working against each other. It felt good to have a weekend like that for a change.

Last night when we went to bed W and I didn't immediately roll over and go to sleep. Instead he and I fooled around for a while, enjoying the feel of each other's bodies, exploring each other's bodies. We had a great time. W is starting to relax more and accept that we can enjoy each other even when penetration is not physically possible. This morning, we fooled around some more, so much so that I was a few minutes late to work. W threatened to call me in sick and keep me home all day in bed to take care of me. I was tempted, very tempted, but there are things I must get done at work today so I declined.

It almost feels like we are returning to that couple we used to be several years ago -- the ones who enjoyed spending time with each other, the ones who cared about each other and loved each other. Oh, I so hope these feelings continue, that we are coming back to our old selves, and are finding our way back to our marriage, but it seems like every time I feel this way something happens to send us spiraling back down again. For now, I'll just appreciate this weekend for what it was and not worry too much about when we're going to encounter the next bump in the road.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Sunday's Conversation

J finally called me this afternoon. I was taking a nap when he called, and I didn't catch my cell phone until it already went to voicemail. As I expected he has no interest in participating in the offer I received earlier in the week. I called him back as soon as I listened to his message, and I tried really hard to talk him into it, but there was no way he was going to see things my way.

So we talked about how things are going between T and him. I tried to help him a little by giving him some suggestions on what he could do differently that might make things better between them. She had asked him today what he could give her that anybody else couldn't. His answer: "Uh, I don't know. I'll have to get back to you on that." Idiot! Can't he see that she's trying to give him an opening to get back in, and he just blew it? So I said as much to him. I told him he should have told her that what he could give her is his undying love, his devotion to her for the rest of his life. I also told him that whether he told her who was involved or not, he should tell her that he had a woman practically throwing herself at him, and that he has consistently told her that getting back with T is his highest priority. Of course, I told him not to mention all that we've done together the last couple of months, but emphasize that he has refused to give up on T in spite of the fact that someone else is interested in him.

I also told him that one of the problems he has with women is that he keeps a part of himself closed off. He works hard at not letting women know how much he cares about them. I told him that he was that way when he and I dated over 20 years ago, and that it made it a whole lot easier for me to leave him at that time because I truly didn't believe he cared that much about me. I also told him that I don't think he cares much about me now either but is just playing me so that I continue to hook up with him on occasion. Then I said that chances are that T doesn't realize how much he loves her because he probably keeps part of him closed off from her too. He was quiet for a really long time, so long that I wondered if I had pissed him off badly enough that he was going to hang up on me. He didn't though. He finally took a deep breath and told me that he didn't know what to say to that. He then added that he really does care about me. Also, he said he keeps part of him closed off to try to protect himself from getting hurt which I had pretty much figured out anyway. I told him that strategy just guarantees that he is going to get hurt, and that he is probably hurting way more now than if he would just open up and let T, or me, in to that closed off place.

We chatted a bit more about his kids recent visit with him, and how W and I seem to be getting along better lately. Finally, I told him I had to go.

So there we are. I guess I'm just playing best friend to J for now. Well, we'll see how long it takes before he contacts me again saying he can't stay away from me. I'm betting about two weeks, but maybe not. Maybe he will actually take some of my advice and win T over again. Only time will tell.

Friday, July 14, 2006


I sent J an email a few days ago. It has to do with the possible lifeline mentioned a couple of posts ago (I'm being intentionally vague). I told him I needed a response from him so I could respond to someone else by Friday of this week. Now it's Friday, and I have heard nothing from J. No email, no phone call, nothing.

I get sooooooo frustrated with this. J does this kind of thing to me over and over. I don't get any responses from him, and then when I finally do he doesn't get why I'm frustrated that it took him so long to get back to me. He always has his reasons. Mostly I think he does it just to keep me from getting too comfortable with him, like he wants to make sure I know that I shouldn't count on him for anything. It must be frustrating to him that I won't take that message to heart.

Yet, every time I do try to give up on us and put this chapter of life behind me, he contacts me and says things to persuade me not to give up, to hold out hope. He's playing me, and he's really really good at it. It's like a really stupid dance we're doing. I take one step forward, and he takes two steps back. I step back, and he steps forward. I try to get off the dance floor, and he comes looking for me, and I do the same to him. Geez, we're so messed up. At some point, like Cinderella, the clock will strike midnight and reality is going to come crashing down on me. Unlike Cinderella, though, I don't think I'm ever getting my happy ending. But I keep hoping. . .

And that folks, is my biggest problem. I'm middle-aged, ought to know better, and I'm still waiting for the knight in shining armor to ride in on his white horse and rescue me, to take me away so we can live happily ever after. I've got to find a way to stop believing in fairy tales.

Thursday, July 13, 2006


No sense naming your blog Deepest Darkest Thoughts unless that's really what you are going to post there.

Today's is a doozy, a confession about which I feel particularly guilty.

My period arrived this week. I'm disappointed. Part of me keeps hoping that J will impregnate me when we get together, and I have tried to time our times together to coincide with the best time to do that although it is hard to time it just right given our limitations on getting together. J would be furious if he knew.

W and I could never get pregnant. That was part my problem, but part his, and doctors have told me that without W's part of the problem we would have had a much better shot at pregnancy. I've always made it sound to J like it was all my problem and that he is taking no risk of pregnancy with me. He probably is not taking a very large risk, but there is certainly some level of risk.

In my mid-40s do I really want to get pregnant? Well, in spite of my age, in spite of adopting N, I still have that biological urge to reproduce. I would still love to go through pregnancy and have a baby that was part me and part someone I love. Foolish? You bet! Realistic? Absolutely not! My probable reaction if it really happened? Stark raving terror -- terror at the thought of both W's reaction and J's and what I'd gotten myself into.

Alright, Stinky Paw, I know you're out there with steam pouring from your ears as you read this. Blast me. Hit me with your best shot. I deserve it and probably need to hear it.

To anybody else who reads this and wants to blast me for it, fuck you. My life, my business. Learn from it. Read it as a cautionary tale. Protect yourself, and be careful out there. I'm not the only woman out there this conniving.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

What to Do?

I've been wrestling with a problem now for a week or so. If, and I'm not saying I have, but if I decide to put myself wholeheartedly back into working on my marriage, I'm not sure just how honest to be with W about my relationship with J, nor am I sure what to do with J.

W has agreed to let me have a friendship with J. J wants to have a friendship with me. I want to have a friendship with J. However, now that J and I have slept together on two different occasions, it is a bit more complicated. J and I enjoy our time with each other and would both like for that to continue. W, of course, would be devastated if he knew about the intimacy that J and I have shared.

Questions abound, yet I have few answers:
Does salvaging the marriage require me to completely cut off contact with J? Dang it, I fear the answer is yes.
Am I willing to completely cut off contact with J? So far, no.
Could I go back to being just friends with J? I guess, if J wanted it that way, but if he wanted more I would have a really hard time saying no.
The logical, rational side of me sees that J would not be a good long-term match for me so why on earth do I keep wanting to be with him, and how can I continue loving him sooooooo much? Boy, this one is the one I really don't have an answer for right now.
If I decided to wholeheartedly work on the marriage, should I tell W the rest of the truth about my relationship with J or leave it at what he already knows? I'm not sure on this one, but my instincts tell me that there would be no good purpose served by telling W, that it would only hurt him further.

Interestingly, I got a phone call yesterday afternoon from someone who just may be throwing me a lifeline, a way to get some more help on dealing with this whole situation. I don't know what the chances are that it will pan out and don't want to jinx it by saying too much here, or anywhere else for that matter. I'm just praying to God that if this is the lifeline I need that He opens the way for it to happen.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Tough Weekend

J is in town with his kids. He let me know that they were spending yesterday at the zoo and today at the local theme park. I wish he hadn't even told me. It has made me way too tempted to suggest similar outings to family. As though it would accomplish anything to run into J with all our kids around, not to mention W. Thank goodness I had to work yesterday and today we have other commitments which would prevent us from being able to go to the theme park.

J's kids are with him for another week so I know we won't be able to get together, or talk much until they are back home with their mom.

Friday, July 07, 2006

More on the Marriage

W decided to discuss marriage counseling further with me last night after we went to bed, when I was sleepy because we were already going to bed too late to begin with. He could have brought it up anytime after N went to bed at 9:00 as we weren't doing anything but watching TV anyway, but he waited until we went to bed at midnight. Yeah, it irritated me.

His first question was why I felt like we need marriage counseling. Wow! What universe is he living in?!?!? I was absolutely floored by his question and told him so. How could he not think that we need help if this marriage is to survive? How could he be okay with all the recent arguing we've done? How could he possibly think that things are getting so much better?!?!?

So I didn't make things any better, but immediately went into pouting martyr mode. Fine, we don't need counseling. I'll drop it. But then I decided that if we went that way it was 100% that the marriage is doomed so I changed tactics and told him that I really feel that I'm not going to be able to stay if we don't get counseling, that I am truly that frustrated by the whole situation, that it isn't good enough to just say that it is all my problem and that I need to find a way to work it out. WE need to work on this TOGETHER or it just isn't going to work. He softened. He said that he is willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. If we need marriage counseling, we'll go. He suggested that I talk to my therapist at my appointment today about whether it would be appropriate for us to start seeing her as a couple. I was surprised because I thought when we saw her together before he didn't like her way of doing therapy, but he said no, that since he has been seeing a different therapist he has had a change of opinion about her and therapy in general.

Okay, so is this the start of things getting better? I don't know, but it scarcely seems that they could get worse. Hopefully, it will help us get clarity as to whether the marriage is salvagable or not.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Thinking Out Loud Some More

Trying to make sense of my jumbled thoughts and feelings.

Looked up a local divorce attorney, wrote down his phone number, haven't called yet. Don't know that I want to start divorce process, but maybe just talk to an attorney to find out more about what I need to know if I decide that's the way to go. Almost afraid to call as that would put me one step closer to heading down that path.

N recently started to ask about W and me splitting up, who he would live with, where we would live, etc. Both W and I thought we had been keeping our disputes secret from N, but somehow I guess he knows that there's trouble. W assures him that we're staying together. I don't know what to say. I hate to be too reassuring when I'm not sure what is going to happen from here. I hate to say we're not breaking up only to have us break up later.

Called W this morning and suggested we start marriage counseling. He sounded less than thrilled. He said that if I find somebody he'll give it a try. I tried to explain that since I'm at work and he's at home it might be easier for him to look for a marriage counselor instead of me. His answer was that if I feel we need this, then I need to set it up. Okay, I'm not getting warm, fuzzy feelings here about this. Why does he say that he loves me and will do anything to keep me, but when I suggest something he could do towards that end he then backs off from it? Am I really asking too much to ask that he look for a marriage counselor for us?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Marriage Thoughts

I really want to post something here, but I'm not sure how to put it into words.

I'm frustrated. I'm confused. I'm very much looking inside myself and doing some deep, deep soul-searching. I'm trying to give my marriage the very serious consideration that it deserves.

It makes me very sad to realize that while I love W on a certain level, and care about his well-being, I am not in love with him anymore nor do I particularly like him or at least certain things about him. I almost laugh at the "not in love" comment as I have been one of those people who would say to others when they would say that about the spouse they were leaving "But if you still love him/her isn't that enough? Can't you work on getting back the in love part?" Now I struggle with those very questions. Is it enough? It doesn't feel like it right now. Yet, I hate to leave W as I feel it would devastate him, and I don't know that he has enough of a support system around him to help him through it. I wonder if it is fair to me, or to him, to stay and put up the pretense of being a loving wife in the hope that somehow if I act the part eventually I will feel the part again, too. I wonder if it is fair not to do so.

I feel like such a hypocrite when W says, "I love you," and I reply, "I love you, too." I wonder if the words ring truer to him when I say them than they do to me. They sound hollow to me. Yet I fear if I stop saying them, it will let him in on my dirty little secret -- that I am struggling to love him these days.

I watched Dr. Phil the last two days. They were both reruns, and I had seen both of them before. However, the topics were dead on in terms of what I'm going through right now. One was on renewing friendships with old flames. W and I agreed that Dr. Phil really missed the boat when he failed to mention how dangerous it can be, particularly if the marriage isn't rock solid. The other one was on couples trying to decide whether to reconcile or divorce. At one point, Dr. Phil told a couple the following: "You know you're ready to get a divorce when you have no unfinished emotional business. When you can get up and walk out the door and say, 'I'm done. I'm not mad. I'm not glad. I'm not hurting. I've turned over every stone. I've investigated every potential avenue of rehabilitation. I've done everything I can.' That's when you're ready." Well, I'm certainly not at that point right now, but I do feel like I'm approaching that point.

This may sound weird, but I would love to have the following arrangement with W. We would sell our house and buy two condos in the same complex, or perhaps a duplex, where we could each maintain our own home and lead lives independent of one another, but would still be near enough to help each other. W would continue to care for N during the day as he does now, we would on most days all have dinner together, and N would spend the evening with me and sleep at my place. We would trade off watching N for each other when one of us wanted to go out with friends or on dates. I would help W with remembering to take his meds and keep various appointments. W would help me by running various errands like taking the car in for service. We would do our best not to interfere in each other's lives, allowing each other to have their own social life. This would all work for me, but I fear it would not work well for W. He would not want to live separate lives. Indeed, if he could, he would spend 24/7 with me. I feel smothered.

I know this is just a rambling, incoherent mess of a post. It does pretty much represent the jumbled mess of thoughts I have at this time.