Monday, December 17, 2012

Thoughts: A Poem for Now

The thoughts overwhelm me, I have to speak out.
The pundits, they make me want to scream, cry, and shout.
I watched a great movie this weekend I did.
Fred Claus, no award winner, but it touched this old kid.
I cried when I watched as in typical fashion
All the people ran ’round with Christmas passion.
They focused on who’s naughty, who’s nice
Who deserves to get presents, who should be left out on the ice.
Of all those involved, of all those who led,
Not one saw the truth except for Santa’s brother Fred.
Fred saw they’re just kids caught in bad situations
Acting out as they will in all their frustrations.
There are no bad kids. They are wonderful all.
They need understanding and guidance not to fall
Into patterns destructive and hurtful and mean.
They need someone to listen, distill and to glean
The troubles they harbor, and what are their needs?
Help to see how they can change their bad deeds.
I guess Friday’s shooter didn’t see them this way.
I can’t even imagine what he’d have to say
Had he not been a coward and taken his own life
After taking so many and causing such strife.
Was he himself hurt or was he just mad?
Was he lashing out trying to make people sad?
The questions are many; the answers are sparse.
The media, as usual, turns it all into farce.
Life isn’t fair; it seems death isn’t either.
We’re here; then we’re gone. We can’t get a breather.
But while we’re still here, remember this please:
God’s loving kindness and care can help bring us some ease.

Friday, December 07, 2012

Greatest Hits

Sometimes, when I'm trying to recall something I'll go back through my archives here and see if I can find reference to it.  Many times I will actually remember writing something about it.  Sometimes I'm not sure but go back looking just in case.

What I find most fascinating are all the other things I find as I amble down the garden path of my deep dark thoughts.  I find that I've changed a lot.  I find that I haven't changed at all.  I find that I've forgotten certain incidents so completely that it is as if they never happened, and I must be reading from someone else's life.  Yet usually if I try hard enough, I can finally recall enough to know that it did indeed really happen.

If you have your own blog, or journal, I would encourage you to go back and read your own words every now and then.  Look at your history and think about it and learn from it.  It is fascinating.

Here are some old favorites of mine that I've reread lately:

One of my forays into poetry  Ever a fan of haiku, I turned it into verse after verse on a newsworthy topic.

This one made me laugh  I read it because I was fascinated with what would make me title a post Hoopla at the Hoohah.  It did not disappoint and brought back memories of the entire ordeal.  It does contain a warning that there is TMI shared, and there certainly is so don't go there if that will bother you.

This was a good one  This was a post where I outlined the soundtrack of my life.  I didn't check the links within it to make sure they are still good.  All I had to do was read the names of the songs to bring them up into my head for one earworm after another.

This one was written in 2009 yet it rings so very true of my most recent hook up with J it could be a current post.

I had absolutely, positively forgotten all about this one.  It was only after rereading it in its entirety that I had some vague recollection of the incident.

This one is profound  I don't mean profound in the sense that it is so grand it deserves accolades or anything.  I mean profound in that it really speaks to who I am and what I do and why and how I feel about it all.

Okay, that's enough for now.  Later taters.

Thursday, December 06, 2012

If It's True That... Then Why...?

If it's true that time heals all wounds then why do I keep going around pulling the scabs off?

If it's true that the right one will find you when you aren't looking then why hasn't the right one found me in the last couple of years when I wasn't looking at all?

If it's true that autumn is your favorite time of year then why are you so grumpy about having to go out and rake leaves?

If it's true that the Illini are #13 in the nation then why did they almost lose to Western Carolina last night?

If it's true that students get into university based on high intelligence then why do they do stupid things like walk in front of your car in the dark wearing dark clothing?

If it's true that people should treat others the way they would want to be treat then why do they lie to, cheat on and steal from each other?

If it's true that I am totally wasting my time asking silly questions on my blog then why am I still here?

That's it.  I'm outta here...

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Gun Control

There is one overwhelming reason why I don't own a gun:

If I owned a gun, I would be on the FBI most wanted list.  There would be far too many dead men littering the Midwest.  Every one of 'em who's broken my heart at one time or another would be gone, shot right through the heart.  Seems fitting.

And you know what?

I still wouldn't feel any better...

If you're looking for a Christmas present to give me, guns and ammo are probably not good suggestions.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Who is This? Redux

After feeling like I was spiraling downward back towards the black hole of depression for a week or so, I managed to stop the descent and reverse courses. With the help of Freud, my pastor, journaling in this blog, staying on my meds and maybe a little dash of luck for good measure, I am back on an even keel.

No, life ain’t perfect. In some ways life downright sucks. On the other hand, I can get through anything if I put my mind to it. So life isn’t exactly how I want it to be. Oh well, it just is what it is. There are more important things than having a partner in life with whom you are well suited. It ain’t pretty, but I pick up the pieces from here and there and patch together a decent enough life.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and even she was impressed at how well I’ve turned things around since my last visit with Freud. She ordered refills of my “keep me less crazy” meds and reminded me that I’m not even close to the highest dosage on either of them so that if I ever feel myself spiraling down and am not able to pull myself up we can consider upping one or both meds.

Really, people, I’m almost starting to feel sane. “Normal” people have ups and downs, good days and bad, joys and sorrows. Dare I consider that I might be approaching this thing called “normal”?

And Now For Something Completely Different
(cue Monty Python theme song)…

And on an unrelated (or maybe it isn’t so unrelated) note, the Illini basketball team is actually not doing too badly… yet… this year. Of course, they weren’t doing too badly at this point last year, and we all know how that turned out. But let’s be optimistic. It’s good to see my boys working hard and to have a coach on hand who actually changes things up in response to what he sees happening on the court. And wow, a zone defense? Man, haven’t seen that Illini defensive strategy in years.

Ok, I may have to get on the Illini bandwagon again. The new coach is starting to win me over… but I’m not quite there yet. Let’s just go with cautious optimism for now. My prediction is they will suffer their first loss of the season later this month when they meet Mizzou at the Braggin’ Rights game. Then the true test will be how well they bounce back after that. The Big Ten (which is really 12 now and will soon be 14, but what’s in a name after all) is going to be a tough conference this year. Hopefully, this team will put the Fight back in Fighting Illini and make a respectable showing in the conference.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Eh, So Much for That

So my Friday liaison didn’t work out. We emailed back and forth that morning, were supposed to meet for lunch near my work. I suggested 11:30. We agreed. Shortly before 11:00 he emailed asking could we meet at 11:00. I agreed, left work and walked to the restaurant. He emailed back that he couldn’t make it and could we meet at 12:30. I emailed back saying no, I’m already here at the restaurant and have to be back at work in an hour. Could we meet after work for drinks, I asked. Ok, he said, email me when you get off work.

Later that afternoon he emailed and asked when I would be available to play. I told him my weekend schedule and said I still wanted to meet in a public place first. He suggested 6:45 that evening at a local bar. I said sure (not thrilled with the bar he chose but only because it’s way over on the other side of town).

He was very persistent about asking if I was 420 friendly in several of his emails. Yes, I told him repeatedly. I’m not really into it myself so much but have no problems with people who are. I suspect he worried that I was a narc or something. I told him I would partake some but not a whole lot because it’s been years since I’ve even been around it. I figured a few drags on a joint would ease his mind and not be the worst thing in the world I could do.

My plan was to drop N off at the movies for a group date, meet up with the new guy for drinks and whatever, and then go pick N up after the movie.

And then…

I get home and announce my plan, substituting going Christmas shopping in the narrative where the clandestine meeting was going to happen. W wanted to go Christmas shopping too and to take me out to dinner. I said maybe I was going to be shopping for him, and gave him a big grin. He said that was ok, that he would go shop in another part of the store or mall or whatever. He just wanted to go out that night… with me. Internally, I debated how far to push. Was it the guilt over what I was really doing that kept me from pushing back? No, not really though that may have played a part. Mostly what made me acquiesce is that under any other circumstance I would acquiesce to avoid having to deal with the pouting self pity party W would engage in for the rest of the weekend if I didn’t give in to him. I feared it would throw too much suspicion on me if I stood my ground because it is so out of character.

So I emailed the new guy my regrets that I couldn’t get away from W that night, and we’d have to do it another time.

And I haven’t heard from him since. So I figure I blew that one big time. I might try to contact him in the next week or two if I have some free time and see if something will work out, but I’m not holding my breath.

One another note, I’ve had a sore throat for over a week now. I intended to go to the convenient care clinic after work yesterday, but as luck would have it, N needed a ride to a neighboring town for the girls regional basketball tournament. I had forgotten I’d promised to take him (before I knew the sore throat was going to become a long-term condition), but I had and I decided to keep my word. I may do the clinic thing today during my lunch hour… or I may just die weeks or months from now of some horribly debilitating throat disease that was never diagnosed because I couldn’t find time to get to the doctor. :-/

Monday, November 26, 2012

My Biggest Delusion

My biggest delusion in life is thinking that if I just try hard enough and show clearly enough just how much I love someone they will love me back.

Guess what?

It doesn't work that way.  Sometimes no matter how much you love somebody they're still just a jerk.

Welcome to reality Trueself.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Physical Therapy

Being with J last week not only churned up emotions it fanned the flames of the ember that has been burning since around the time I posted this. The need for physical satisfaction has been simmering and last Friday brought it to a full boil.

Perhaps as a defense mechanism I have refocused myself away from the emotional side of things and towards the physical. Perhaps as a stop gap measure until I can free myself to be available for a real relationship a little NSA fun seems like a good idea on some level. Perhaps I’m just horny. Whatever the case may be, I indulged myself just a little yesterday.

Being that it was Thanksgiving I didn’t have to go to work. Given that I had already announced to W & J that I wasn’t cooking a big Thanksgiving feast this year, I had nothing to do but catch up on some shows on DVR, read the book I bought last week, and troll the internet for inappropriate reading.

I read several stories on the Literotica website. That further fueled the fire within. Eventually, I hit CraigsList. I hadn’t visited there in a very long time, at least not the Personals section. I didn’t really expect to find anything worth pursuing as there rarely is. It mostly seems to be “straight” guys looking for male on male interaction. Last night though there was an ad that very much intrigued me, a 30-something guy looking for a BBW.

Seriously?  Sounds too good to be true.  I read it and thought about it but rejected the idea of responding to it. I perused several other ads, some quite entertaining, some not so entertaining. I kept going back to that one ad. He’s looking for a BBW for good times on the down low, and he is willing to host at a local hotel.

I debated…
I went back and forth in my mind…
I wrote an email response…
I hesitated sending it…
I attached a naked photo of myself (from behind, nothing to reveal my identity)…
I considered deleting the email and not sending it at all…
Well, you know where this is leading…

I held my breath and hit Send.

Within an hour I had an email in response to mine. He’s interested and happy to meet me in a public place as I had requested. He even gave me his full name (yes, I know he could have lied). When I googled it I found out he was one of three people – two of whom are in states far from here, and one who lives in this area, is an English teacher in a local school, and played a couple of seasons of football (better if it had been basketball, but then again an athlete is an athlete, and who thought I’d ever get a jock to do me) for my favorite college team back in the day (like back when they actually won more than one game in a season). So now I have a picture of him so (a) I know he is quite handsome and (b) I’ll know when I see him if he’s really who he says when we meet.

We exchanged a couple more emails before it got so late I had to go to bed since I have to work today. Hopefully, we’re having lunch today. I have to confirm it later this morning.

Perhaps because I watch too much Law & Order or perhaps because I watch too much news, I am nervous about what could happen. Just because I’ve always been okay in the past doesn’t mean it will always be that way. Every time I do this I feel like I’m just pushing my luck that much further, and I fear that the odds will someday catch up with me.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Flawed People Can Do Amazing Things

The title of this post isn’t 100% a reflection of the meat of this post, but then again it isn’t totally off the mark. It is the thought that keeps popping into my head as I reflect on my discussion Tuesday with my pastor.

As I mentioned at the end of my last post, my therapy session on Monday left me feeling less than settled on anything. I felt like we barely got started before we had to end. I was a mess and spent much of the afternoon at work fighting back tears as I tried to concentrate on spreadsheets full of premiums and claims and admin expenses. My emotions were barely under the surface, so much so that by that evening twice the singers on The Voice that night made me bawl. Since that is hardly how I wish to go through life, and I felt like I desperately needed to talk to someone I turned to my pastor.

Now, please understand that I am not the person that normally goes running to the pastor for counseling. As a matter of fact, I have spent most of my life avoiding such conversations like the plague. I have always felt the need to appear like I have it all together and am a model Progressive Christian around church people. Oh, I’ll fight the fight for understanding and empathy for others who have fallen, but God forbid I admit to having messed up myself.

However, my current pastor has made me feel eminently comfortable in being able to admit to imperfection, to admit to being human and having human failings. It is only because of this that I have been able to confide certain things to her in the past and the only reason I could confide in her on Tuesday.

I started by giving her the synopsis of the 30+ year debacle in which I have put myself. (See previous posts ‘cause I ain’t repeating it again.)

God did not strike me with a lightning bolt when I confessed. Not that I really thought that would happen. After all, God has known all along what I’ve been doing and what I’ve been feeling and the struggles I’ve had with all of this. And deep in my heart I know God to be loving and forgiving. God has always been there for me when I’ve been good and when I’ve been bad.


I know that there are churches where there is no way one could retain a position of leadership if it became known even to only the pastor that an affair was occurring, particularly one that the participant of the affair is not even willing to say she is definitely stopping. I know that my church is pretty much not like that, but there is always that fear that runs through me. So I didn’t know for sure if she might not ask me to step down from the committee that I chair and represent on the church council. She didn’t. When I mentioned that I wasn’t sure I should continue considering seminary given what I am involved in she reminded me that no one is perfect, that we all have sin in our lives and that it doesn’t magically go away just because we attend seminary or become ordained.

So apparently, there is hope for me yet.

All along in this I have thought that if ever J and I were exposed at least it won’t be to a national and international audience. Nobody is really going to care that two virtually unknown nobodies had an affair. We may go through hell with friends and family but at least the media wouldn’t be camped outside our doors. We wouldn’t be fodder for discussion on news shows and jokes on late night TV.

But I’ve digressed. Back to my discussion with my pastor.

The locus of the discussion was really around what would make me feel like a happy and complete person. After some discussion, I said that what I really wanted was to be available for a fully committed relationship with someone that is fulfilling physically, emotionally and spiritually. After that, she kept bringing our discussion back to that point.

I have discussed before with my pastor my relationship with W so she is well aware that all is not rosy in our household. She was very clear with me that from all I have told her W and I no longer have a covenantal relationship between us. It was broken long ago, and the fact that we still have a marriage in the legal sense does not mean that we have anything resembling a marriage in the spiritual sense. The relationship is not fulfilling in either a physical or emotional sense, although spiritually it might be somewhat. It is clear from the past several years that it is not likely to change in any substantial way.

Clearly the relationship, or whatever it is, with J is not fulfilling in any sense. It is something I hang onto because it is the idea of J that is so appealing, not the actual person.

If I want to even be available for the possibility of finding a fulfilling relationship then I have to let go of both of these relationships. Headwise, this makes tons of sense to me. Headwise, I can see that I should let go in both cases. Heartwise, I just can’t seem to make myself do it. Yet I know that the only person who would be [insert derogatory term of choice here] enough to enter into a relationship with me knowing that I am tangled up with those two would not be the quality of person I would want to have a long term relationship with.

Yesterday, after I met with the pastor I was reading some of my old posts about J. Sigh… I recycle these same things over and over and over and over and never seem to make any sort of progress. And in spite of that I remain a relatively productive human being. You wouldn’t know that from what you know of me in my blog, but I am. I do a lot in my real life and occasionally even make a difference in someone’s life. Even though I’m flawed… really, really flawed.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

More Tuesday Therapy (even though it's Wednesday now)

Where were we? Oh yes, I had given Freud the Cliffs Notes version of “The Not So Great Love Story of J & TS.” So there I sat, damp tissues in my hand, in the waste basket, and just about everywhere. I imagine I was quite the sight. At least there is one benefit to never wearing makeup – no oddly colored streaks on your face.

I assumed Freud would immediately tell me how awful J is for me, that I need to find a way to extricate myself from him. Nope. Freud’s focus, and I agree it is a good place to start, was to help me determine what it is that I get from the relationship with J. What hole am I trying to fill with this relationship, and are there other healthier ways to fill that hole? (I just reread what I wrote there, and I swear, if any of you are smirking at that last sentence I will personally reach through your computer and throttle you.)

Freud even pointed out some of the benefits that I mentioned through my narrative. Number One was FUN. J and I have a playful banter that occurs almost constantly when we are together. We revel in the verbal parry and jab. We laugh, or at least smile, a lot when we’re together. We always have, both 30 years ago and today. Even when my emotions get the best of me, we still maintain that banter. Is my relationship with J the only way I can have this lighthearted playful time? Are there other ways to fill that void?

Then there’s connection and history. J and I have a lot of shared history. We know each other so very well. We know the good, the bad, and the ugly, and we’re still willing to talk to each other. There is something of a comfort there, a soft place to land, sort of. Are there other places I can find comfort? Are there other soft places to land in the world for me?

Freud pointed out that you don’t hang onto a relationship if you aren’t getting something from it that is feeding you. If you can find a healthier place to feed, then it makes it easier to let go of the less healthy place.

Unfortunately, we ran out of time at that point. I was far from ready to quit. I had myself so churned up that my stomach hurt. Yet there we were, at the end of the session.

Before parting, Freud asked if we’d decided a place to have Thanksgiving dinner. (I shared with him in our previous session that I had announced to W and N that I would not be cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year, and that they are welcome to cook for us or take me out. They chose to take me out.) I told him yes, we decided on Cracker Barrel. So there you are. We’ll be the party of three, sitting at the corner table, looking morose, eating our turkey and dressing and being thankful for… yeah, I need to think on that one…

The post script to this one is that later that night, when it was very late and I was very much not sleeping and still pretty worked up, I texted my pastor asking if I could meet with her this week. Very early the next morning, when it was far too early to be up but she has a less than one year old daughter who kindly wakes her in the wee hours, she texted back to set up an appointment for that very day. Therefore, my next post will be about my session with my pastor where I continue to pine away for the person I can’t quite have, and where for the first time in my life I confess to my adultery to a member of the clergy.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Tuesday Therapy

Freud suggested that having a private journal where I write about my experiences and feelings pertaining to J, as well as other things, might be a good way for me to work through some of this. Hi there private journal, read only by invisible (not imaginary, very real, just invisible) internet friends and random strangers! Let’s see what tales I can tell today.

Yesterday’s session was brutal. I spent much of my time in tears, some of it sobbing, some just tears rolling down my face. I used many tissues. No wonder therapy is so expensive. Their paper goods bill alone must be daunting. It was bad that I had to go back to work afterwards because that meant I had to find a way to pull myself together and not look like a complete sack of shit, but it was good that I had a 15-20 minute drive across town to accomplish it.

While I have mentioned J, and our affair, in therapy it hasn’t really been the crux of conversation. Why? Well, since I’ve been seeing Freud J has kind of been a background character in my life rather than an all consuming obsession. I’ve had other things to worry about and therapize (not a real word, but I like it so I’m using it) about, such as:
  • Getting my medical depression under control
  • BJ’s and my breakup,
  • W moving back in and my decision to turn martyr by allowing him to,
  • My on again off again attempts to lose weight,
  • My physical fling with M (Oh how I miss M sometimes, just from the physical release standpoint. A good orgasm occasionally is a miracle drug I tell you.),
  • My ups and downs at work,
  • My disagreements with W over parenting,
  • My Dad’s death within three months after my grandmother’s.
Anyway, J came up occasionally, but never in any substantial way. Yesterday, he was right at the heart of it all.
One thing I will say for Freud is that he is completely unflappable. No matter what craziness I spew in session he takes it in stride never letting on that he might think I’ve gone round the bend. Why, yesterday he even told me that he doesn’t think I’m crazy at all. That’s comforting a little I guess, although what would truly be comforting is if he told me I was batshit (apparently this is not a real word either) crazy, and here’s the cure for it. Do this, and all the crazies will go away.
Anyway, I started with a rather detailed background to bring Freud up to speed, and really, it is terribly difficult to tell a 30+ year story in under an hour. You really have to do the Cliff Notes version, which I did, but I was also brutally honest. I figure that Freud can’t help me much if I don’t just put it all out there with as much honesty as possible.
So here, for those who haven’t read my blog in its entirety (And if you haven’t, why not? It’s fascinating and sickening all rolled into one, if I do say so myself), is a synopsis similar to the one I gave Freud. The History of J & me in a nutshell:
1977 – J & I start dating while in high school. (Yes, I really am that old. Shut up.)
1979 – I start college. J stays home with one more year of high school. J remains my “at home boyfriend” while I enjoy dating life on a major college campus
1983 – I graduate the first time from college and am “engaged” to a guy there although nobody knows of our engagement except him and me. I continue dating J when I’m home.
1984 – I graduate from college again, am still “engaged” and still dating J as well as a couple of others in other parts of the country (I travelled for work so it was easy to keep different guys different places).
1985 – Getting a bit tired of the “fiancé” but never broke it off, still dating J as well and starting to put a bit of pressure on J that perhaps we should get married and start a family. J says he’s not ready. I meet W and well, made one of the worst decisions of my life and ran off to CA with him without goodbyes to anybody.
1988 – Marry W after his divorce is final. Shortly thereafter receive letter from J saying that he’s now ready to get married and asks me to come back to him. Cry profusely as I read his letter and as I write one back to him telling him of my marriage. Felt absolutely trapped and unable to get out of the marriage to W because I was halfway across the country, estranged from my family, and totally dependent (at that time) on W financially.
~~~~~~and for many years W and TS live a life of ups and downs, goods and bads, adopted N~~~~~
2000 or so – God bless the interwebs and I start to reconnect with high school buddies. Email back and forth with J a few times, just general catching up on what all has happened with marriages, children, jobs, and whatnot. And that’s it, for now.
2003 – Moved back to Midwest, within 80 miles of J, but no contact.
2004 – High school reunion. Made plans to go. Contacted J. He still lived in town and wanted to get together. I said sure maybe our families could have lunch together or something. He said no, how about just you and me? I said no. I got scared of what I might do and made up an excuse not to go to the reunion.
2006 – J contacts me, and we start flirting via email, then via phone, then in person, all leading to finally crossing the line “all the way” and have sex with one another for the first time ever (That's right people.  We dated several years in our teens and twenties and not once did we have sex.  Not that I wasn't willing.  He was just terrified of getting me pregnant, which sounds pretty funny now considering how "broken" the female parts turned out to be, like happened to his brother and his brother's girlfriend.  Lack of a sex life with J may have played a part in my dating a lot of others during those years.  Not that it excuses my behavior, just partially explains it.)
2007-Current – J and I carry on an ongoing emotional, and occasionally physical, affair throughout the BJ years and the W and me "reconciliation" and everything else.
Whew! Even condensed that is one damned long story.
Okay, hopefully in the next few days I’ll have a chance to write more and go into our actual discussion, short as it was. What great insights did Freud have to offer? What suggestions did he have for abolishing the crazy from my brain? What are my plans for Thanksgiving? This and more in our next episode…

Monday, November 19, 2012

Let Us Give Thanks

Thank goodness I see Freud today instead of the usual Wednesday (thanks Thanksgiving for making this shift necessary long in advance before I knew what a state I'd be in today).

J is playing me.  J is playing me really, really well.  Even though I can see he's playing me I am hanging in there.  I hang in because J gives me jussssssssssssst enough to make me delude myself that there's a chance.  Oh yes, J is playing me like a well tuned fiddle, and I keep letting it happen.

And now... now I'm starting to have stalkerish thoughts about J.  C'mon Trueself, do not turn into a stalker.  Do not go that crazy.  Given that J is a corrections officer and knows how to deal with scary criminal types, I really do not need to go all stalkerish crazy on him.  Really bad idea.  Really bad...

Since Friday night, I have thought of nothing except what I want to talk to Freud about today.  Too bad we only have an hour...

Saturday, November 17, 2012


That was just about as unsatisfying as it could possibly have been.

Why am I surprised? I should have known. Yet for some unknown reason I always hope.


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Back on My Meds

Yes, I went back on my meds as soon as I posted that I was off of them. It was a bit of a wakeup call that I saw myself devolving into someone I don’t want to be.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m still spending this Friday with J. I don’t have to be insane to want some companionship. What I have done though is come around to a saner way of thinking about our relationship. It is what it is, no more, no less, and I need to stop trying to make it something it isn’t.

----------------DEEP BREATH---------------

Given the prominence of the topic of infidelity in the news lately, I too have been mulling over the whole issue of infidelity in general and in my life particularly.

I have come to the conclusion that there are far fewer men who haven’t cheated than those who have. Not only that, I think that anybody, man or woman, who has cheated or even come really darned close to cheating should stop getting all judgmental on others who cheat.

Do they think that if they don’t feign shock and dismay over the infidelities of others that it will make it appear that they too might be cheaters? Is it the guilty conscience that gets to them and causes them to condemn others for the very sin of which they are guilty?

I can’t do it. I can’t judge others’ behavior. I don’t care what you do on the down low. I really don’t. As long as you aren’t making a public spectacle of yourself and aren’t hurting your friends and family then I’m perfectly happy to live my own life and work on my own flaws and let you do the same.

I have more to say, but I'm out of time for now.  Darn it that life keeps getting in the way of my blogging.

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

I Don't Get It

J, like most men to me, is a mystery.  I have no idea what is in his head most of the time.

What is scary is that I think we are the essence of the cliche, the old joke that goes something like this:

Her side:
He got in the car and didn't say anything, and then when I asked about going to the party he said "sure" but he had a far away look, like something else was on his mind.  Then I saw the cute bouncy blonde from down the street walking by.  Oh sure, was gazing at her.  Look at that little smile.  That's what had his attention.  I knew it.  I knew he was hiding something.  I'll bet he has something going on with her.  Of course he does.  Why else would he look at her that way.  What a jerk!  He isn't interested at all in me anymore, just her.  Okay, that's it!  I'm done.  I am sooooo out of here.

His side:
When we got in the car and she asked about the party I said "sure."  I was preoccupied with how I had ended up at the bottom of the league in fantasy football this week.  Then I thought of the perfect trade I'd just made and how much better off I'll be after next week's games.  Yeah that brought a smile to my face.  Wait?  She's leaving?  What'd I say? What'd I do?

I know I didn't tell it well, but you get the idea.  Women go around making up stuff in their heads while the guys are just going along without a clue what the woman is thinking or why.

That's me with J.  He leaves so many information gaps that I fill them, and I fill them in the most paranoid and negative ways.  Of course, then I turn right around and fill them in the most overly optimistic and naive ways.  For a while I'll think how he hates me, how he only wants me for the occasional booty call, that he'd really rather be with anybody but me if only he could.  Then I'll switch around, convinced that his love for me is so strong that he puts up walls to protect himself lest I hurt him like I did twenty some years ago.  Now, the truth probably doesn't lie on either end of the spectrum.  As far as I can tell, I'll never know for sure.

I overanalyze everything. 
He didn't tell me his wife left him in July when she left him. 
He didn't tell me his wife left him in July when he started asking me to meet up with him a month or so ago.
He didn't tell me his wife left him in July when I chatted with him one Saturday not long ago and lamented that he couldn't meet me in ST2 when I was there by myself for a good part of a day.
He finally told me when we were talking on the phone while I drove home that evening but only because I started asking many pointed questions because I couldn't figure out how he could get away with spending so much time talking and texting with me that day without it causing problems with his wife. 
I asked him why he was able to talk so much that day.  He told me she wasn't home. 
I asked if she was working or out having fun.  He told me she was at her mother's. 
I asked if she was just there for the day or longer.  He told me she'd been there since July.
I asked why he didn't tell me this sooner.  He told me it isn't the kind of thing you just tell somebody in an email or a text message.
I asked why he told me that day he couldn't meet me in ST2.  He told me that he didn't have gas money plus he had lent his car to his neighbor.

WTF?  I have spent the time since then concocting all sorts of stories in my head that would explain all this.  I'm sure none of them is right, but I also fear that the real explanation is one that I would not like. That fear and uncertainty is just eating me up. 

Why don't people just say whatever it is they want to say?  Why don't they just cut the crap and get right down to it?  Why is it better to leave someone wondering than to just come out with it, whatever it is?  I'm not saying people ought to be rude or mean, but there are polite and tactful ways of saying things, even negative things.

If all you want from me is a booty call, then just say so.  Say so, and then I can deal with it.  If you want to be with me in a real relationship but just see too many obstacles, then just say so.  Say so, and then we can deal with those obstacles together.  If you want to drive me crazy, then just keep on doing what you're doing.  Keep doing what you're doing, and then I will probably go batshit fucking nuts.

Saturday, November 03, 2012

Cue The Theme from Dudley Do Right

I like me much better when I don't indulge in melodrama.

Right now, I'm not liking myself so much...

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Spin Cycle

What does it look like to spin slowly out of control, watching yourself as though all is traveling in slow motion?  It looks exactly like what I am doing. 

It is the darnedest thing.  Here I am, spiralling downward, watching myself spiralling downward, wanting to save myself from spiraling downward, but also wanting to just keep going anyway, keep heading in this same direction, keep on heading toward what surely must be disaster. 

Yet there is this part of me that just keeps saying to myself that if I could just get J and I to work as a couple, as a relationship, as US, that all would be well and good.  I know that isn't true and yet I just want to believe it soooooooooo badly.

How many times in life do I say "If only [X] then [Y]" to be proven wrong time after time?

If only I lost weight, I would be happy.
Nope.  Didn't improve my outlook at all.  As a matter of fact I suffered my worst bout of depression when I was at my lowest weight in years.  No correlation between weight and happiness.

If only I had a different job, my attitude would be better.
Nope.  The job doesn't matter.  The attitude comes from within not from outside.

If only J and I were together, everything would be great.
Nope.  I am quite certain that if J and I were together things would be good sometimes and bad sometimes. Sometimes I would be happier than now, sometimes sadder.

What it all comes down to is that I just spend much to much of my time wanting what I cannot have and do not need.  I need to buck up and accept what I have and let go of what I don't and just let things be what they are.  And by golly, right now I am fighting that every step of the way.  I am my own worst enemy.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

No Toe in the Water

Oh no. I am not a toe in the water kind of gal. Nope. I just jump right in, both feet up to my knees before I know it.

I texted J last night, regretting the email that I had sent and asking him to delete it without reading it if he hadn’t already. I decided it had been stupid to send. I stuck myself out on a limb and wanted to retreat back to the safety of my little hole in the base of the tree.

Naturally, he had already read the email. Naturally…

Excerpt from last night’s texting:

J: If u feel as if u shouldn’t have sent it what does that mean? Are u coming down sometime?

TS: It means I get scared that I’m going to scare you away. And it was a stupid rambling message. And I should just shut up.

J: I m at a loss at the moment. I just want u to come down n we will meet as before.

Now, I don’t know what to make of that text from J. Or… maybe it is that I don’t want to understand what I think he’s trying to say there. I think he’s trying to brush me off while maintaining that occasional piece of ass he’s used to getting. AND THAT ISN’T WHAT I WANT. So… I try to ignore that aspect of it and focus on the part about him wanting to see me.


After much thought and deliberation (like about six minutes so, ya know, plenty of time to think this through to a rational and prudent decision {NOT}), I texted back.

TS: Ok. I’ll try to come down. Any chance you can take a Friday off?

J: I can try…why?

TS: Just thought we could have more than an hour or two

J: Oh I see.. yeah just let me know which one, n where u will b

This, my friends, is how it came to be that in a couple of weeks I am going to go down and spend the day (and maybe overnight) with J. I’ve already gotten the day off approved at work. Now I just have to come up with and perpetrate the cover story for home use.

As the song says:
Tell me lies,
tell me sweet little lies,
tell me lies,
tell me tell me lies…


Can you tell I'm off my meds?

As I looked back at the posts just before radio silence for a month and then the ones just after it seems like even the least astute of you would be rolling your eyes and saying something like "Poor Tru, she's gone off her meds hasn't she?"

Yes, yes I have. It is apparent even to me that I need to get back on them ASAP.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Today's Email to J


What is it that you want from me? That is really what has me confused and stirred up. What exactly is it that you want from me? What is your desired long term outcome here in terms of our relationship?

I really think I will probably never get out of this relationship what I would like to get out of it. What would be nice is to get a clear idea of what you want to get out of it so that I can decide if I can live with that level of relationship or not instead of sitting here wishing and hoping part of the time and completely giving up and pushing you away the other part of the time.

I know I’ve messed up plenty in my lifetime. I can’t change the past. I can only live in the present and try to make the right decisions for the future. I totally screwed up when we were young. I wish I had hung in there with you. I wish I would have been patient and waited for you. Then I messed up almost worse when I decided to try to make things work with BJ instead of you a few years ago. I don’t know why I do things like that. I don’t know except to say that no matter what I won’t give up on you again. I know that. For all the frustrations I feel sometimes over you, they are far overpowered by the love and positive feelings I have for you.

Are you as afraid of losing me as I am of losing you? I know I push you away sometimes because I’m afraid to keep you close, afraid that it would hurt that much more if I lost you. I try my best to stay away from you when you are married because I don’t want to screw up your life. That’s why I pushed you away recently when you were trying to contact me. I knew your wife had a lot of jealousy, and rightfully so if we’re honest here. I didn’t want to be the one that messed up your marriage. If I had known of the separation I wouldn’t have tried to push you away. If I had known I would’ve let W believe that I was bringing RB down to {city close to J} even after that changed, and we could’ve spent some time together.

Recently I wrote this to the one really close friend [NOTE: this is YOU my invisible internet friends, but didn't want to scare him by admitting just how many people I've shared with, even somewhat anonymously] with whom I’ve confided about all my wild shenanigans the last few years:

There's something comforting knowing that J and I are there for each other, sort of, no matter what. We've loved, we've lost, we've fought, we've agreed, we've disagreed, we've laughed, we've cried. For the last several years we've been there and seen the best and worst of each other. We have kind of been each other's support system, long distance, spotty in ways, consistent in others.
That's kind of what makes it scary. What if we were truly together? Who would have our backs then? Who would be there to fall back on? It's like we're afraid to make each other #1 because then who would we have to fall back on? It's like getting ready to jump out of the plane with one parachute and no backup. What if it fails? What if the one thing you pin everything on fails?
Maybe that isn’t at all how you feel, but I do and wonder sometimes if you do too.

Sorry for the long and rambling email. I’m just trying to figure this all out. You always have had a way of keeping me from feeling completely at ease with our relationship. Maybe that won’t ever change, and I never really will understand our relationship. I don’t even know if I should send this email or just delete it. It’s like every time I see you, every time I talk to you, every time I email or text you, I’m always afraid I will finally do or say that one wrong thing, whatever it may be, that will turn you away from me forever, and that, my love, is my greatest fear.

Crossing my fingers, closing my eyes, and hitting Send.


Monday, October 29, 2012

More Thinking About J

Trying really hard to figure out why I can't ever let go of J.

Part of it, of course, is that he never really let's go of me. In that way he is different from others I might be inclined to hang onto. It's hard to hang onto someone with whom you have little to no contact, but with someone who regularly gets in touch, it's harder to let go. Add to that the fact that J always says "I love you" when we end a conversation. Contact plus positive affirmation.  Yes that's a part of it.

There has to be more though.

Another part is my dissatisfaction with life with W. It is one of those things where it is something I'm willing to stick with when there isn't another possibility than being alone. (OMG, am I really that woman? Yes, as much as I don't want to admit it, I am.) However, am I willing to turn my back on J to stay with W? No. I just can't make myself do so.

There's also something comforting knowing that J and I are there for each other, sort of, no matter what. We've loved, we've lost, we've fought, we've agreed, we've disagreed, we've laughed, we've cried. For the last several years we've been there and seen the best and worst of each other. We have kind of been each other's support system, long distance, spotty in ways, consistent in others.

That last paragraph? That's kind of what makes it scary. What if we were truly together? Who would have our backs then? Who would be there to fall back on? It's like we're afraid to make each other #1 because then who would we have to fall back on? It's like getting ready to jump out of the plane with one parachute and no backup. What if it fails? What if the one thing you pin everything on fails?

That's what this feels like to me.

Oh, and yes, I quite clearly understand that I completely turned this post around from my initial purpose of trying to figure out why I can't let go of J to why J and I can't make the leap to a real relationship.

So sue me.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

J, J, J


J is separated... again.

Now, he had been contacting me a lot lately, and I should have suspected.  However, my lil pea brain didn't go there.

Finally, after many texts and phone calls today he finally 'fessed up to it.

I am one more time torn between wanting to try to have a permanent relationship with J and wanting to stay here in the status quo.

Why oh why can't I ever just let J go altogether?

Why did I ask him today how many more women he's going to marry before he realizes it's supposed to be him and me?

Idiot! I am a fucking idiot.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


Yes, I am at the point of putting my hands up over my ears and loudly singing, "Lalalalalalalala I can't hear you!"

Denial. Not just a river in Egypt, but a place for me to settle into for a while.

Life is great! Life is grand! Not a care in the world!

Denial. Yep, that's gonna be me for a bit.

Oh, and by the way, happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Aaaaarrrrrrrrr...

Monday, September 10, 2012

Because Nothing in Life is Simple

Nope. No simplicity here.

Although the mystery, or most of it, was solved it wasn't the end of the troubles. The attorney is now requiring a much larger retainer because of the complications that arose as he dug into the situation.

Because W was in arrears on his payments to Velma when the garnishment was first placed, and because the amount allowed to be garnished was less than the amount W was ordered to pay monthly to Velma, Velma's estate now has an asset of whatever amount is still owed for all those years' worth of support less what has actually been paid. In other words, it is pretty darned big. Now if Fred and Shaggy, as Velma's primary heirs, want to go after it, they can fight W in court when W, through his attorney, petitions to have the garnishment released.

Also, there is some question as to whether Velma could legally assign a garnishment over to her children. If not, it could be that Medicaid will be involved in the whole mess, because Fred may have, as Velma's power of attorney, assigned it so as to bring Velma's assets/income to a level where Medicaid would pay for the nursing home Velma was living in. If that were not allowed, then Medicaid could collect from Fred and Shaggy any money paid to them and attach the asset the Velma's estate has in the receivable from W.

So yeah, on a legal level there are several messy factors, and no matter how it turns out there will be mucho dinero spent on attorneys. So there goes the last little bit of the trust money that was in W's mother's trust since these kinds of expenses were one of the allowed reasons for W to receive money from the trust.

Add to all those expenses, the expense of W changing his will as he now wants to exclude Fred and Shaggy from inheriting any portion of his estate because he is pissed off. This will probably be the least of the legal expenses, but I wonder if he won't incur more expense later on down the road if/when he softens and decides to write them back into the will.

And in the back of my mind, I can't help but think that this won't be over even when W dies. Fred and Shaggy will fight, I'm sure, to get whatever they can out of me and out of W's estate no matter what W's will says. I fear that this is going to be an ongoing battle for the remainder of my life.

After W dies, I'm going to find some old, rich Republican to marry and let him spend all the money he doesn't pay in taxes on me! No, probably not. I don't think I could stand living with a Republican even if he gave me all the jewels in the world. {shudder}

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Mystery Solved... Sort of...

Just so you can keep the cast of characters straight for this latest saga:
Velma – W’s ex-wife whom we recently learned died a while back
Fred – W’s eldest son who lives in the same area as Velma did and was kind of main caretaker for her in terms of financial affairs and such
Shaggy – W’s other son from family #1 who lives a rather eclectic life out in the wilds of Montana
Daphne – wonderfully helpful woman at the local (where Velma lived) office of the federal agency involved
Anytime I say “local” in this story it refers to the area where Velma lived and where Fred still lives.
(Remember that names, locations, etc. may not be accurate so nobody runs across this story by accident, but the essence of the story is absolute truth.)

Now, where were we in our story? Oh yes, W contacted an attorney. Right. On with the story…

W talked to a paralegal in the attorney’s office and agreed to an amount for a retainer. He explained the situation, that he wanted the garnishment removed from his monthly federal payment now that Velma was dead. The paralegal took down all the pertinent information, did some research and found some interesting information. It seems that several months ago Velma had assigned the monthly payments from her to Fred and Shaggy. Since then the payments have been going to Fred and Shaggy instead of Velma. The paralegal said to W, “Looks like you’ve been taken for a ride.”

Suddenly, the reason behind Fred’s reactions became clear. Fred wasn’t afraid that W was going to want part of Velma’s estate. Fred was afraid W would find out that he and Shaggy had been sharing those monthly payments from W. Of course, now W had done just that. Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

W has not spoken to Fred or Shaggy since learning this news. He has alternately spent time pacing the floor angrily muttering to himself and sitting at his computer writing venomous letters to his children that he has no intention of sending. W slept little the first week after the big reveal. Now, perhaps out of exhaustion, or perhaps because his emotions are tamped back down a bit, probably a bit of both, he is sleeping better.

What this did to me is send me back to my old worry of having to deal with the children from Family #1 when W dies someday. Oh joy, oh joy. I would almost prefer to “forget” to tell them of their father’s demise, just as they did him with their mother’s. I have spent too much time fuming over this. Almost certainly, after his death they will show up wanting this or that from the house because it belongs to their family. They will almost certainly demand to know how much money W has when he dies because they will expect to share in his vast wealth. (BTW, if you happen to know where this mythical vast wealth may be, W and I would be really grateful if you’d point us to it, because we don’t know of any.) I will almost certainly have to get a restraining order against Shaggy at the very least and possibly against Fred since I can almost guarantee they will do everything in their power to force their way into my house, and W’s accounts and all manner of things they have no right to.

Yes, I’m carrying on. Yes, I am probably exaggerating. I hope so. I hope once W’s gone that Family #1 goes away and leaves me and mine alone… completely alone.

Never before have I hated Fred and Shaggy. They’ve done some things in the past that I didn’t like much but nothing that even comes close to this. Their point of view, and they have told W this many times, is that I have spent the last 25 years sponging off of their father. They don’t seem to recognize that I am the main breadwinner of this family for much of that time. Within a year after we married W became unemployed and has never held more than part time minimum wage jobs since then. What he gets on a monthly basis from retirement and his mom’s trust is not even half what I make. They think I’m sponging off of him?!? Nothing could be further from the truth.

Anyway, W has turned the attorney loose to do everything possible to get the garnishment released and get back as much money as possible that was paid to his children instead of his ex-wife. He has also taken steps to close his mother’s trust since there is very little left in it anyway.

The love of money is the root of all evil… at least in Family #1.

Friday, August 31, 2012

More Calls, More Mystery...

Just so you can keep the cast of characters straight for this latest saga:
Velma – W’s ex-wife whom we recently learned died a while back
Fred – W’s eldest son who lives in the same area as Velma did and was kind of main caretaker for her in terms of financial affairs and such
Shaggy – W’s other son from family #1 who lives a rather eclectic life out in the wilds of Montana
Daphne – wonderfully helpful woman at the local (where Velma lived) office of the federal agency involved
Anytime I say “local” in this story it refers to the area where Velma lived and where Fred still lives.
(Remember that names, locations, etc. may not be accurate so nobody runs across this story by accident, but the essence of the story is absolute truth.)

When last we left, W had learned of Velma’s demise through an innocent third party. Fred had a hissy fit over W learning of the death, and W couldn’t figure out why.

After Thursday’s odd happenings, Friday came as Friday often does after Thursday. W and I both set out to find an obituary, or at least a death notice, for Velma. Strangely enough, we could not in spite of a thorough internet search using her full name, maiden name, middle name, no middle name. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. We even checked websites of every funeral home in the area and couldn’t find her death reported anywhere at all.

We thought this rather odd and speculate that somehow Fred and/or Shaggy specifically requested that the information not be made public. Then again, maybe Velma isn’t really dead. Either of these options leaves plenty of questions. Why would you not want her death made public? Just to keep W from finding out? Why would a federal agency believe her dead if she isn’t? Ok, well we still don’t have answers to these questions, but we’re still researching. I’m starting to believe we may have to scour cemeteries for a recently dug grave with her name on it.

Fred called when no one was home and left a message for W to call him. W returned Fred’s call shortly thereafter only to find they were playing a lovely game of phone tag.

W called the federal agency back. Because he gets monthly payments from them, when he divorced Velma she put a garnishment on the payments. He wanted to make sure that with her death the garnishment would end, and he would begin receiving full payments. Daphne told him that the only way to release the garnishment is with a court order. Apparently, the money will no longer be sent to Velma, but it also won’t be sent to W. It will hang out in legal limbo until/unless the court releases the garnishment.

Fred called back to talk to W. Their conversation was not much more productive than the one the day before. According to Fred, because the feds know that he had power of attorney for Velma they should not have ever contacted W. Somehow, apparently, this was W’s fault. We still aren’t sure how, but apparently that’s how it works in Fred’s mind. W asked Fred if he would send W a copy of the death certificate since he figured he would need one to give to the attorney that he intended to hire to accomplish the garnishment release. Fred said he’d have to think about it, that he couldn’t see any reason W should need one. W tried to explain. Fred flew off the handle and hung up on W.

After calming down a bit, W contacted a local attorney. Now, don’t you just know that once you get an attorney involved, that’s when the real fun begins? Oh yeah.

To be continued…

Thursday, August 30, 2012

One Little Call

(Certain details have been changed in the following post to mask it so it won't be found easily if someone happens to Google it, but the story remains substantially true.)

It is amazing how things can change in the blink of an eye. Sometimes, all it takes is one little phone to set a whole set of dominoes falling. Right now we're in the middle of the dominoes. They continue to fall, and who knows when they will finally all be down. We just can't see the end just yet.

Last week, I was at work just doing my job, minding my own business, without too many cares on my mind except the section of roof that was being replaced that day at home. I had no idea that what would soon be on my mind would have nothing to do with my job, workplace, house, roof, or even N. Nope. What I was about to learn left me gobsmacked... a blow from out of the blue... and a mystery to boot. Somebody fire up the Mystery Machine. We've got some sleuthing to do.

Thursday morning W answered his cell phone. He didn't recognize the #, but the area code was one where his eldest son lives as well as a few other relatives. When he answered, it turned out to be the local office of a federal agency calling. The woman on the phone asked if he could confirm that "Velma Wise" had died on a certain day about a month ago. Velma was W's ex-wife. W had heard nothing prior to this about her death, much less that it had happened a month ago. He told the woman on the phone this, and she apologized profusely before hanging up. W wondered why none of his grown children or grandchildren had let him know.

He called the son who lives in Velma's town to ask why he hadn't been notified. When he reached his son, his son was furious that W found out. W was bewildered as to why his son felt this way. His son started ranting about not wanting W involved in Velma's financial affairs and how the gov't agency had no right to notify him. W couldn't make heads or tails about what his son was saying or why he thought W would want to be involved in Velma's financial affairs at all. W asked if assistance was needed with final expenses to be told no that was all taken care of. The call ended with W more bewildered than ever.

Although they were divorced for many years W did grieve her death which I don't find surprising although apparently his children do. Thursday night was spent with me alternately comforting W over the loss and listening to his speculations about what on earth was up with his children from family #1.

To be continued...

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Sunday Stealing: Our Players' Meme

Barely before the next one is available, I am finally posting last week's Sunday Stealing entry.  They combined two different memes for this one so you'll see a little note where the first ends and second begins, though you'd probably figure it out anyway.

1. You have been awarded the time off from work and an all-expenses paid week anywhere in the United States. The catch is that it must be somewhere you have not been before. Where do you choose to visit?
Oh goodie! I can take a week and knock down more of those states I haven’t been to yet. Let’s see. I do believe I’ll hit the Dakotas, North and South. I have a friend who is originally from there and would probably be happy to take a week’s vacation and show me the good stuff there.

2. Name three of your guilty pleasures.
Watching Big Brother
Eating fast food, the greasier the better
Going off by myself without telling anyone where I’ll be

3. The best kind of Girl Scout Cookie is:
The peanut butter patties. Not the sandwich ones, the ones with the chocolate coating on them.

4. What do you value most in other people?
The ability and willingness to shut up.

5. Be honest. Do you sneak some raw cookie dough when you’re baking cookies?
No. I used to, but raw egg paranoia cured that.

6. Have you ever looked back at your life and realized that something you thought was a bad thing was actually a blessing in disguise?!
Many times…

7. What is the most beautiful place you’ve ever visited?
San Juan, Puerto Rico

8. Are you more of a thinker or a feeler?
Actually, more of a thinker… sometimes to my detriment.

9. Name three things you are thankful for right now.
My kid
My job
My friends

10. Have you ever participated in a three-legged race?
When I was a kid. Being a klutz I never ever won one.

11. When you are at an event that plays the National Anthem, do you place your hand over your heart?
No. I was raised that hand over heart is for the pledge of allegiance but not for the anthem.

Second meme:

12. What kind of work do you do?
Number puzzles all day long.

13. During the course of your lifetime, which job or career has been your favorite or most fulfilling?
By far the manager job I held a lifetime ago on the West Coast.

14. Do you think it’s necessary in your life to have a day-to-day “career” that is meaningful and service-oriented or do you function better in “just a job” with a steady paycheck?
Meaningful and service-oriented is absolutely essential in the long term.

15. Was there ever a time in your life when you wanted to stay home with your children instead of working, even if it meant less money in the household?
If W had ever had a job after N was born, you bet.

16. Tell us your worst boss story.
The worst boss I ever had was the CEO of a not-for-profit organization. She was being unethical with the organizations finances, and I figured it out within a couple of months of taking the Accounting Director position there. I took things to board members who chose to believe her lies instead of my proof. It was terribly uncomfortable until I got another job and got out of there. A couple of years, and a couple of more Accounting Directors, down the road she was asked to retire, and the organization has since made a wonderful turnaround.

17. Have you ever been the boss?

18. What is your dream occupation?
CFO of a local not-for-profit organization serving the community in some meaningful way.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Unconscious Mutterings

I say, and you think:
  1. Course :: of Action
  2. Delusion :: Most of my thoughts
  3. Silly :: Putty
  4. Intrepid :: USS
  5. Candle :: in the Wind
  6. Entrance :: Exit
  7. Voracious :: Appetite
  8. Taste :: Savor
  9. Bobble :: Head
  10. Horror :: Nightmare

Friday, August 17, 2012

Sunday Stealing: The Authentic Meme

1. How long have you been blogging?
Since 2006.  I started my other blog in January 2006, and this one came a few months later when midlife crisis shit really hit the fan.

2. Did you go to college?
Of course

3. Where have you traveled?
Most of the continental US;
Also several islands:  Hawaii, Puerto Rico, the Bahamas
The western coast of Mexico

4. Which celebrity do you get mistaken for?
Alas, I am never mistaken for a celebrity, a whale sometimes, but no celebrities.

5. What are your three biggest pet peeves?
1 – Bad grammar,
2 – Lack of punctuality,
3 – Strict adherence to rules that do not make sense

6. What is your favorite movie?
My answer always depends on when you ask. I have several favorites, but if I had to pick just one movie to watch today I’d pick It Happened One Night.

7. What is your drink of choice; wine, beer, or liquor. Or Water, Soda, Tea?
Not a huge fan of beer except when paired with certain foods. Wine is good, but again I think of it as a drink with certain meals not a go to drink. Liquor is the go to drink, particularly Jack & Coke.

8. What is something you enjoy to do when you have me time?
Play the piano.

9. What is your biggest phobia?
Social interaction. I crave it and yet am terrified of it.

10. Share with us an embarrassing moment of your past?
How about the one when I was in seventh grade and had to play an oboe solo from memory at our school concert? I forgot the piece about halfway through and just about died of embarrassment. (I had told the band teacher that I didn’t think I could do it from memory and begged him to let me use the music. But no, he insisted I must do it from memory.)

11. What day would you love to relive again? Why?
One of the many days that I spent with my Grandma in the kitchen of the old farmhouse helping her with whatever the activities of the day were. I particularly remember the day when I got to help her churn butter. It was great fun but really hard work, more than I, as a little 6-year-old, could handle. I adored Grandma and would just love to relive any day I ever spent with her. Damn it. Now I’ve teared up. Excuse me while I go find a tissue.

12. If your life was turned into a movie… what actor would your best friend think should play you?
I have no idea. Perhaps that actress that plays Molly on the TV show Mike and Molly. Is that the name of it? I’ve never seen anything but the commercials. It’s on CBS, not sure what night.

13. What are the jobs you had in high school/college/the early years?
In high school, I babysat a lot. In college, I worked for a while in the student health center and then went to work at the Assembly Hall.

14. Show us a picture from high school or college.
Thanks for asking, but I’ll pass.

15. If you could travel anywhere in the world, all expenses paid, where would you go?
England, Wales, Ireland, Scotland. I would love to spend a month just roaming from one place to another there.

16. Where do you see your life 6 and 1/2 years from now?
Interesting time frame… hmm… let’s see, that’ll be February 2019. I’ll be finishing up my 12th year at my current job and hopefully ready to move into my new career as an ordained minister. N will be a couple years out of high school and hopefully either in college, trade school, or gainfully employed. If he’s still living, W will be well into his 80’s. I can’t even imagine what that will be like. Hopefully, by that point, I can spend a bit more of my money and time on things that please me rather than others.

17. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be and why?
49, young enough to still have fun old enough to be smart about it.

18. What 5 songs are included on the soundtrack to your life? (You can pick "Middle School", "High School", "College", "Post College" or any format you like.)
Elementary – A Horse With No Name.  The bus driver kept the radio tuned to WLS, and I can remember hearing that song many times on the way to or from school.
Junior High – The Lion Sleeps Tonight.  I won a talent contest at a slumber party singing that song.
High School – When the Lights Go Down on the City.  The theme from the one official school dance I went to in high school.
College – anything Dan Fogelberg did in the ‘70s or early ‘80s.  I was all about Fogelberg then.  Oh wait.  I still am...
Post College – Don’t You (Forget About Me).  Just brings back memories of all those great Brat Pack movies of the '80s.

19. Romney picked Paul Ryan to run as his veep. Any thoughts?
I find anyone who would vote for this pair to be highly suspect.  And that's all I'm going to say about that.

20. Your chance: Pick a meme you've done for us to steal. Bud and Judd will visit EVERY post today. Feel free to say, "Bugger off", or anything like that.
Mostly the memes I’ve done have come from Sunday Stealing so I really don’t know that I have any for them to steal.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Just a Bit of Good News

Good News #1
I've been so good about taking my meds lately that I can't remember the last time I didn't take them.

Good News #2
Perhaps due to #1 I am feeling ever so much more on an even keel these days as I mentioned a few posts back.

Good News #3
I am finally starting to feel like I have some real friendships blossoming close to home. There are actually people in town I can call and hang out with and talk to and do all those friend kind of things.

Good News #4
I have reconnected with an old high school friend of mine that I have missed like crazy for years and years. She is just the best of the best, and I'm so glad to have her back in my life.

Good News #5
I don't dread coming into work everyday. I finally feel like my boss understands me, and I understand him. This makes for a much more pleasant day to day existence.

God is good.
All the time.

All the time.
God is good.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 498

I say, and you think:
  1. View :: Point of
  2. Yoga :: Pants
  3. Giggle :: Laugh
  4. Raider :: Lost Ark
  5. Summer :: Fun
  6. Debt :: Bad
  7. Cleaning :: Detergent
  8. Sneakers :: Converse
  9. Thwarted :: Stopped
  10. Recipes :: Try new

Friday, August 10, 2012

Sunday Stealing: The Useless Questions Meme

1. Have you ever written a song? No, not an entire song, but I’ve written lyrics.
2. Have you ever been in the opposite sex's public toilet? Yes, just a couple of weeks ago as a matter of fact.
3. Are you superstitious? Less so the older I get.
4. What's the most daring thing you've done? As a rule I don't do daring things, although I don't mind public speaking which many find intimidating so maybe public speaking is my most daring feat.
5. Did you have a baby blanket? Do you still sleep with it? Yes. No.
6. Have you ever tried to cut your own hair? If yes, how’d it work out? Yes. It was okay. I was in college and had hair halfway down my back. I chopped it off to just below shoulder length. It didn’t look great, but it was free.
7. Have you ever sleepwalked? No
8. If you could be any age, what age would you be? Physically 23, mentally 45, and emotionally 50.
9. What is your dream car? Any hybrid SUV
10. What is your favorite cartoon of all time? Deputy Dawg
11. If you were in a car sinking in a lake, what would you do first? Unbuckle my seatbelt
12. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? More times than I care to
13. How many foreign countries have you visited? Two
14. If you fell into quicksand, would you try to swim or try to float? Float
15. Do you talk in your sleep? Rarely, but it does happen
16. Have you ever slipped in the bathtub? Not that I remember
17. If you could invite any movie star to your home for dinner, who would it be? George Clooney because he has both looks and brains.
18. Have you ever re-gifted? Of course!
19. If you could attend an Olympic Event, what would it be? If I could only attend one, it would have to be basketball.
20. If you could participate in an Olympic Event, what would it be? Binge eating… wait, what do you mean that isn’t an Olympic event?
21. If you won a $5,000 shopping spree to any store, which store would you pick? (Interesting that this is the question I got stuck on longest and had to come back to in order to try and figure out an answer. Somehow $5,000 in one store is just hard for me to wrap my head around.) Menards. Then I could replace my oven that doesn’t work plus do some other household repairs and upgrades.
22. What do you think is your best feature? My nose
23. If you were to win an Oscar, what kind of movie would it be for? A poignant tragic romance
24. Which of the five senses is most important to you? Sight
25. Would you be a more successful painter or singer? Singer without a doubt.
26. How many years will/did you end up going to college? Four and a half to get bachelors plus masters.  Tried to do it in four but just couldn't quite cram that much in that quickly.  Not to mention I got a little sidetracked at one point by a (you guessed it) boy.
27. Have you ever had surgery? Yes
28. What do you like to collect? Not really a collector of anything
29. How many collectibles do you have? Too many, which is strange given my answer to #28, but while I don’t specifically collect any particular thing I do seem to have a way of picking up a little of this and a little of that.

Monday, August 06, 2012

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 497

I say, and you think:
  1. Rude :: Polite
  2. Leather :: Lace
  3. Headquarters :: Military
  4. Good guys :: Bad guys
  5. Blowing :: Wind
  6. Doddering :: Old
  7. Instructional :: School
  8. Standards :: Testing
  9. Eatery :: Café
  10. Vampire :: Bloodsucker

Thursday, August 02, 2012

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 496

I say and you think:
  1. Alcohol :: Drunk
  2. Pocket :: Protector
  3. Squeeze:: Box
  4. Football :: Stadium
  5. Fourth :: of July
  6. Snake :: Skin
  7. Reduced :: Fat
  8. Polka :: Dance
  9. Intrepid :: Astute
  10. Paula :: Poundstone

Thursday Therapy: Who is This???

Yesterday I had my first visit with Freud in a month. Usually I go every two weeks but between my schedule and his in July we just didn’t have time for each other. Normally, this would have bothered me. I would have felt a loss and some neediness. Not this time. This time I took things in stride and can’t recall ever having the thought of wishing I could talk to Freud about this or that or whatnot.

Yesterday, Freud said something that floored me. He finds that my depression is well under control, and perhaps even gone. “Really?!?” I thought. Then I thought some more and decided that he very well could be right. I do seem to have a much better attitude lately. I seem to be coping with things in a more positive way.

So I asked W about it last night. Did he see me as having come up out of the black hole? Yes, he has noticed it for some time but hesitated to mention it for fear of jinxing it.

Apparently with the right combination of meds and therapy I have emerged on the other side of the black hole of depression and found the light at the end of the tunnel to be not a headlight from an oncoming train, but sunshine, beautiful warm welcoming sunshine. My problems and challenges have not gone away, but my attitude in dealing with them has. I find myself much more willing to approach things in a sound and reasonable way rather than with negativity and a defeatist attitude.

Life really is good, in the main. I’m not happy with W, but on the other hand, neither am I miserable. I am my own person and can live my own life with him at the periphery. I don’t need a man, whether W, BJ, J or any others, to make my life complete. My life is complete because I am complete. I am a whole person, rather than the broken mass of parts I was before. I no longer go to therapy to bitch and moan and complain about how life is just not fair and what a victim I am. I now go to therapy to work on specific issues, to find better ways to react in certain circumstances, to learn how to take care of me without stepping on others, to just plain work on being a better person.

What a major shift all this is. I feel so very good most of the time now. Why complain? It just is what it is. Things that have already happened are in the past. No amount of worry or reflection can change the past. Therefore, I remind myself to let the past go and hold on only to the lesson learned that can be applied now and in the future.

I know that reading this, it doesn’t sound like the same person who used to write here. I don’t feel like the same person either. And it feels really very good.

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

Top Ten Things I Learned on the Mission Trip

10. Mud is very slippery in the rain.
9. It is more fun to work on projects for appreciative people than for people who feel entitled.
8. West Virginia is not suffering from drought conditions like we are.
7. The bunks we slept in on the trip used to be prison bunks and were every bit as comfortable as one would expect a prison bunk to be.
6. Lots of really icky critters, such as slugs, wasps, huge spiders, and snakes, call West Virginia home.
5. I was the only one from my group who could really relate to the people we served and their home conditions because I was the only one with relatives as poor as the people we served.
4. Lots of people in West Virginia smoke, and many don’t think twice before blowing smoke in your face.
3. Skip Bo is a really fun game.
2. If you’re tired enough, it really doesn’t matter how comfortable the bed is or isn’t.
1. Using a circular saw is one of the most fun jobs ever.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Sunday Stealing: The Too Tired to Think Meme

This was a two parter on Sunday Stealing, but since I was away on the mission trip I'm doing both parts together, right here, right now.  Let's hope this is better than that last one on movies.

1. You have 10 dollars and need to buy snacks at a gas station. What do you get? 
Cool Ranch Doritos and a six pack of Diet Mtn Dew

2. If you were reincarnated as a sea creature, what would you want to be?
A dolphin because who doesn't love dolphins?

3. Who’s your favorite redhead?
Me!  I'm not a redhead right now, but I love it when I am.

4. What do you order when you’re at IHOP?
It depends.  What am I in the mood for?  Then that's what I'll have.

5. Last book you read?
I am currently reading Jeremy's Kiss by Lee Thompson.  I highly recommend it.

6. Describe your mood.
Moody.  Down that I'm back from the mission trip.  Relieved that I'm back from the mission trip.

7. Describe the last time you were injured.
Well, I fell and scraped my hand when I was on the mission trip.  I suppose that little scrape is the last time I was injured.

8. Of all your friends, who would you want to be stuck in a well with?
Nobody really.  I learned on the mission trip most people overreact a great deal to difficult situations, and I would really prefer to be stuck in a well with someone who would keep their wits about them and stay calm while working on a solution.

9. Rock concert or symphony?

10. What is the wallpaper of your cell phone? The number? (We'll just say "hi" - promise.)
Picture of Noah, and yeah, wouldn't you like to know?  Seriously, though, if you want my number ask me.  I'll give it to anybody I trust and have shared it with a few of internet friends.  Ain't no way I'm publishing on the interwebs.

11. Favorite soda?
Didn't I answer this recently?  Will I answer the same or different this time?  Hmm...
My current favorite is Coke Zero.

12. What type of shirt are you wearing?
A frilly purple one with 3/4 sleeves.

13. If you could only use one form of transportation?
This appears to be an incomplete question which may call for an incomplete answer.

14. Most recent movie you have watched in theater?
Magic Mike

15. Name an actor/actress/singer you have had the hots for.
George Clooney/Camryn Manheim/Dan Fogelberg

16. What’s your favorite kind of cake?
Chocolate with chocolate frosting

17. What did you have for dinner last night?
Homemade tacos
18. Look to your left, what do you see?
My cubicle wall

19. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

20. Favorite toy as a child?
Easy Bake oven. Best toy ever.

21. Do you buy your own groceries?
I have to because nobody else will.

22. Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
Of course they do.

23. When was the last time you had gummy worms?
Can't remember, but I'm sure it's been a few years.

24. What’s your favorite fruit?
Mango if someone else peels it and cuts it up.  Bananas if I have to deal with it myself.

25. Do you have a picture of yourself doing a cartwheel?
I can't do a cartwheel hence no pictures exist of me doing one.

26. What type of errands do you like running?

27. Have you ever eaten snow?
Of course!  Just don't eat the yellow snow.

28. What color are your bedsheets?
Light blue

29. What’s your favorite flower?
Yellow roses

30. Do you do ballet?

31. Do you listen to classical music?

32. What is the first TV Theme song that pops in your head?
The theme to Gilligan's Island

Just sit right down and hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship.

The mate was a mighty sailin' man,
the Skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day for a three hour tour.
A three hour tour.

The weather started getting rough,
the tiny ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost.
The Minnow would be lost.
The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle,
with Gilligan,
the Skipper too,
the Millionaire and his Wife,
the Movie Star,
the Professor and Mary Ann.
Here on Gilligan's Isle

33. Do you watch Sponge Bob?

34. What temperature is it outside right now?
I have no idea but probably around 90

35. Do people consider you smart?
Some do

36. How many piercing do you have?
Two.  One in each earlobe.

37. Are you signed on [to] AIM?
Since I don't know what that is I'll say no.

38. Have you ever tried gluing your fingers together?
Not intentionally

39. How do you feel about your family?
They aren't all that bad

40. Do you have an iPod?

41. What time do you go to bed?
Depends on the day, what's on TV, whether I have to work the next day, and other random factors

42. What CD is currently in your CD player?
Pink, Greatest Hits

43. What movie do you know every line to?
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

44. What is your favorite salad dressing?
Bleu Cheese

45. What do you want for Christmas this year?
A laptop to replace the one I broke a few years ago and have never replaced

46. What family member/friend lives the farthest from you? Where?
I guess my cousin who is on a Navy destroyer somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean.

47. Do you like hugs?
Doesn't everyone?

48. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
Last week on the mission trip from time to time.

49. What’s the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name?
Let's not go there.  Let's just not ever, ever, ever go there...

50. Last person you hugged?
One of my fellow mission team members.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Unconscious Mutterings Returns

I am procrastinating on getting things done before the mission trip so I thought it was time to bring back Unconscious Mutterings, one of my favorite weekly memes.

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Favorite program:: Big Brother
  2. Wedding :: Bridezilla
  3. Dance :: Music
  4. Single :: Lucky
  5. Toward :: Going
  6. Hypnotize :: Trance
  7. Limited :: Unlimited
  8. Social :: Nightmare
  9. Barn :: Door
  10. Hurt :: Pain

Friday, July 20, 2012

On a Mission

In just a couple of days I will be on a mission trip to West Virginia where I, along with 9 others from my church, and a bunch of others from other organizations will help repair homes in the Appalachians. Coming from some rural and fairly poor roots myself, I feel a certain anticipatory kinship to those we will serve next week. I wonder if I will see some familiar trappings of the poor, rural, southern life or if I will be surprised to find that all these years later since my family emerged from the hills things aren’t quite so primitive. Maybe I’ll find both.

Chances are good that I won’t blog again until I am back home from the trip.

Until then, try not to miss me now that I’m finally blogging again.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Sunday Stealing – The Movie Meme

Good grief. What did I get myself into here? I am not an all time great movie aficionado by any stretch of the imagination. I like what I like which is not necessarily a critical or box office success. My tastes in movies, like my tastes in many things, is eclectic.  Also, my picks may lead you to believe I am even older than I am.  I like a lot of the old classics in spite of them being made before I was born.

With all those disclaimers made, let’s plunge in.

1. What is your all-time favorite movie costume?
Scarlett’s dress made from the drapes in Gone with the Wind.

2. What classic film would you nominate for a remake?
None of them. I love the originals too much. Although perhaps, if properly done, a remake of Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House might be good.

3. Name your favorite femme fatale.
Scarlett O’Hara of course.

4. Name the best movie title.
IMHO, a title is just a title. Who really cares? I will say that I prefer a title that tells me something about the movie without me having to work to figure out the connection.

5. Describe the worst performance by a child actor that you’ve ever seen.
I know I’m in the minority here, but I can’t stand Shirley Temple when she was a child actor. She only got better in her teens.

6. Who gets your vote for most tragic movie monster?
King Kong. He was so misunderstood, making him terribly tragic.

7. What is the one Western that you would recommend to anybody?
In general, I hate Westerns. However, Newman and Redford made Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid worth watching. Love the scene of Paul Newman riding the bicycle with BJ Thomas’ song Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on Your Head in the background.

8. Who is your ideal movie-viewing partner?
Anyone who will sit down, shut up and watch the movie without disturbing me.

9. Has a film ever made you want to change your life? If so, what was the film?
Just about every movie I’ve ever seen.

10. Think of one performer that you truly love. Now think of one scene/movie/performance of theirs that is too uncomfortable for you to watch.
Jamie Lee Curtis in any of the Halloween movies.

11. On the flip side, think of one really good scene/performance/movie from a performer that you truly loathe.
Pauly Shore in Son in Law. That movie is one of my guilty pleasures.

12. What is your favorite romantic comedy?
When Harry Met Sally

13. What is your favorite drama?
Gone with the Wind

14. Worst film you've seen?
Bridesmaids. Have no clue why other people liked it.

15. How do you feel about the majority of romantic films being labeled "chick flicks"?
I’m fine with that.

16. Favorite on-screen couple?
Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert in It Happened One Night

17. Favorite off-screen couple?
Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward

18. Best kiss in a movie?
Rick and Ilsa in Casablanca

19. Favorite scene?
The scene in When Harry Met Sally when Harry explains why men and women can’t be friends.

20. Who are 2 film characters you wished had gotten together, but never did?
Harry Potter and Hermione Grainger. Yes, I know it wasn’t meant to be, but dang it that’s what I wanted to see.

21. Two actors you think would have great chemistry, but have never done a film together?
Jimmy Stewart and Marilyn Monroe. I’m not certain they never did a movie together, but I’m not aware of one. I think there could have been great chemistry there although I suspect Monroe would have pushed Stewart’s patience to the limit.

22. Favorite song in a film (doesn't have to be from a musical)?
Shall We Dance? From The King and I

23. Best score from a film?
The soundtrack from The Glenn Miller Story

24. Best film quote?
Here’s looking at you kid. (said by Rick in Casablanca)

25. A film you'd recommend that is a "Must See" for us to watch?
The Philadelphia Story