Saturday, October 16, 2010

Silence Please!

How do you silence the voices in your head? I certainly am having difficulty with that lately and really have had for a very long time.

I even catch myself saying things out loud just like my dad used to when I was growing up. He’d be getting dressed in the morning for work and mutter to himself. Often I couldn’t make out what he was saying, but on the rare occasion when I could it would be something work related, something he needed to deal with that he was obviously working out in his mind. Now I do the same although much of the time when I mutter out loud it is to tell my coworkers, my parents, everyone I know (all of whom are in my head badgering me) to shut the fuck up or to leave me alone.

I hate that my inner voices constantly and consistently berate me for one thing or another. I really want them to shut up. I really want them to go away and leave me alone, leave me be and let me feel good about myself. Am I really never ever allowed to feel good about myself? Am I really so bad that there are no redeeming qualities about me? Really, voices? Can you not see that I am okay just as I am even if I have a few flaws here and there? Can you not see that I try hard? Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you say affirming things to me, things that will build me up rather than tear me down? You’re afraid, aren’t you, that if I start to feel too good about myself that I will get a big head and an ego that just won’t quit? You’re afraid if you don’t shoot me down I won’t work as hard because I won’t have to prove you wrong. Isn’t that it?

Well, voices, you have it all wrong. All you do is reinforce my feeling that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough, so then I feel that trying is all for nothing. Why try when I can never succeed anyway?

So voices, thanks so very much for your input, but now please shut up and go away.


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Out One Door, In Another

Who’s out?
D. She quit.

She announced her resignation about a week and a half ago. I congratulated her, as is the appropriate thing to do. Then I went to the restroom and bawled. D was the one person that was making this job tolerable. Yes, I knew she was looking. Yes, I knew that eventually she would be gone. No, I didn’t know it would be so soon.

Ever since she announced her resignation she has been a different person. Apparently, once she knew she didn’t have to stay here much longer she didn’t need me as a friend anymore. She pulled away. She didn’t talk to me much. She didn’t work with me as easily as before. She had a chip on her shoulder that they didn’t pay her in lieu of having her stay the two weeks notice that she had given them. She wanted out. . . immediately. They wanted her here to make a smooth transition. She stayed. . . but she became minimally cooperative with everyone. . . including me. . . the one who was supposedly her friend. In retaliation, I pulled away. I barely gave her the time of day the last few days.

Today, she’s gone. She never said goodbye. She never told me she’d me miss me. She didn’t even tell me that yesterday was her last day instead of the originally planned last day later this week. She just told me she was leaving early yesterday. I only found out she was gone for good when Boss came around and shared the news with the rest of the department after she was gone.

So. . . good riddance D. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. What a bitch.

Who’s in?
TS2. She’s moving into my house next week.

She came over to look at the room, and the rest of the house, and to talk to me, W and N. I think we will all get along quite well. I think I’m just going to have to be very careful about my feelings about TS2. I could see my crush getting me into trouble in more ways than one. I could see it being awkward, oh so awkward between W and me if he found out about my crush. (It is, after all, quite different to say you’re fine with your wife being with another woman and having to actually live with it.) I could see TS2 feeling uncomfortable about me having a crush on her if she found out about my crush, particularly since W and I are still legally married. Also, I could see me getting jealous and depressed when she starts dating someone because it will be right there in front of me. And if I think about it I can envision dozens of other ways it could get me in trouble.

But. . . TS2 needs a place to stay, and I’ve got plenty of room in my house. And I can’t help but let my thoughts drift to a place where somehow TS and TS2 could end up together. What a dreamer.

Monday, October 11, 2010

It's Back: Sunday Stealing

I got tired of the Sunday Stealing memes for a while, and by invoking the age old adage about a woman's prerogative This week, I say with a shrug of my shoulders, I think I’ll give it another go. Just to cheer me up. . . and calm me down. . . and then maybe I’ll be able to tackle writing about why I need to be cheered up and calmed down.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? I hate my hair, my long scraggly graying hair.

2. How much cash do you have on you? About $40 bucks.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? Bore. (Not sure the point of that question. Whatever.)

4. Favorite planet? Earth, because I live here (most of the time)

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? The mystery number from Milwaukee that I never answer in spite of them calling at least once per day.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? The Illini fight song.

7. What shirt are you wearing? My lavender one with the little white dots

8. Do you label yourself? I don’t have a label maker

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing? Brand, really? You expect me to know a brand for shoes? They’re sandals for goodness sake. It’s not like they’re Converse Chuck Taylors or something.

10. Bright or Dark Room? What, that I like, that I’m in right now, what? I like a bright room, really bright with lots of natural light streaming through the windows. I’m currently sitting in a cubicle in the basement in a really brightly artificially lit room. Yuck, yuck, and yuck.

11. Did you do anything to celebrate John Lennon's 70th yesterday? He didn’t do anything to celebrate mine a few months ago so why should I?

12. What does your watch look like? A watch.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping. . . soundly

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? Can you make it on Sunday?

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? I have no idea and don’t really care

16. What’s a word that you say a lot? Whatever

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? N

18. Last furry thing you touched? My dog

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? None (don’t tell my Dr)

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? None

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 40

22. Your worst enemy? Myself

23. What is your current desktop picture (extra points if you post it.)? N’s soccer team after winning a tournament in September

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? “She’s been kind of out of sorts lately.”

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? This one’s easy. I’d choose a million bucks because I pretty much know what I’d do with it, and I’m not too sure what I’d do with the ability to fly other than hurt myself. Here’s how the million (assuming it’s a million after taxes) would be split:
  • $100,000 – divided among my church and a few local charities close to my heart
  • $100,000 – straight into N’s education savings account
  • $100,000 – payoff to W so I could be free of him at last
  • $100,000 – replenish my rainy day fund
  • $50,000 – house and landscape renovations
  • $30,000 – new car
  • $10,000 – legal fees and incidental expenses to get the divorce from W
  • $5,000 – payoff to BJ for the travel expenses he picked up for me while we were together (which was something I always felt bad about and feel even worse about given that we didn’t stay together)
  • $5,000 – vacation for N and me
  • That would leave $500,000 which would be invested in an annuity that would provide me with a monthly payout for the remainder of my life

Friday, October 08, 2010

Two Huge Crushes

I have two huge crushes right now. One is one of those celebrity-it’ll-never-come-to-anything crushes. The other is an honest to goodness real life person known to me personally through my social circle. (Now, how odd does that sound coming from such a social misfit like me, that I would have a social circle. Oddly enough, I do seem to be developing one here. Go figure.)

So first the frivolous one. Bret Michaels. OMG I am in absolute head-over-heels lust over him. I didn’t even know who he was until he was on Celebrity Apprentice. I think it’s the bad boy image combined with his gorgeous blue eyes and long blond hair that did me in first. Then it was his music. I just bought his latest CD, Custom Built and I just know he sings Lie to Me directly to me. Mmm. . . baby I’ll lie to you any day. Just drop on by.

Then to the real one. TS2, that’s what I’ll call her because her first name is the same as mine. I have had sort of a crush on her since I’ve known her the past couple of years. However, she was in a relationship which put her off limits to me. What’s that, you say? Never stopped me before? Oh, I know, but TS2 is different. If I had a relationship with her I didn’t want a physical only relationship but a real honest to goodness relationship. In other words, for one thing I couldn’t trust myself to keep it physical only and not fall for her in a big way, and for another thing I wouldn’t want to do or suggest anything that would cause her to think less of me and ruin any chance I might have with her at any time. So I’ve kept her (mostly) out of my mind in that way.

But now. . . now, I’m helping her with a project for an organization we both belong to, and while chatting she shares with me that she and her partner have broken up. Unfortunately, TS2 can’t afford to move out right now so she is still living in her ex’s house. (Somewhat parallel lives what with W living at my house and now that he’s being sued for the debt he wracked up while we were separated (yeah, that was nice when the police officer showed up at the door just last night to deliver that bad news) I am considering going ahead with the divorce to ensure that his debts don’t haunt me forevermore, meaning he would literally be an ex living in his ex’s house because he can’t afford to live elsewhere.) Anyway, TS2 is free now to do what she wants and see who she wants. My heart leapt a little as we talked about her situation. This was about a week ago. I have thought and thought about this for the past week, oh perhaps even obsessed just a bit. (Obsession – a little bad habit I have, though I probably needn’t mention that. You’ve probably noticed it in previous writings of mine)

So now I took a huge leap (in one way and yet in another it was more taking a subtle and non-committal leap that won’t put my heart at risk – just yet – maybe) and have offered to let TS2 rent a room in my house from me so that she can escape her awkward living situation. It isn’t as if we (W and I) haven’t rented rooms out before. We have – a few times – and for the most part I just have a the-more-the-merrier attitude about it. To me this would be not complicated at all if it weren’t for the crush I have on TS2 (and no, she doesn’t know or at least I don’t think she does) and if it weren’t for the way TS2 looks at me when she talks to me. (or am I reading more into what I see in her eyes just because I want it to be there?)

And really people, how complicated could this all get if TS2 and I did end up falling for each other? I know, really, really complicated. I know.