I even catch myself saying things out loud just like my dad used to when I was growing up. He’d be getting dressed in the morning for work and mutter to himself. Often I couldn’t make out what he was saying, but on the rare occasion when I could it would be something work related, something he needed to deal with that he was obviously working out in his mind. Now I do the same although much of the time when I mutter out loud it is to tell my coworkers, my parents, everyone I know (all of whom are in my head badgering me) to shut the fuck up or to leave me alone.
I hate that my inner voices constantly and consistently berate me for one thing or another. I really want them to shut up. I really want them to go away and leave me alone, leave me be and let me feel good about myself. Am I really never ever allowed to feel good about myself? Am I really so bad that there are no redeeming qualities about me? Really, voices? Can you not see that I am okay just as I am even if I have a few flaws here and there? Can you not see that I try hard? Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you say affirming things to me, things that will build me up rather than tear me down? You’re afraid, aren’t you, that if I start to feel too good about myself that I will get a big head and an ego that just won’t quit? You’re afraid if you don’t shoot me down I won’t work as hard because I won’t have to prove you wrong. Isn’t that it?
Well, voices, you have it all wrong. All you do is reinforce my feeling that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough, so then I feel that trying is all for nothing. Why try when I can never succeed anyway?
So voices, thanks so very much for your input, but now please shut up and go away.