Sunday, December 31, 2006

Resolutions for 2007

  1. Get a new job.
  2. Get a divorce.
  3. Work on eating in a healthy way.
  4. Start exercising again at least 3 days a week.
  5. Limit non-work-related internet time to no more than 2 hours a day.

I'll be the first to admit that I probably won't accomplish all of these resolutions, but they make a good set of goals. If I attain 3 of the 5 I'll consider 2007 to be a big success compared to 2006. I deliberately did not include losing weight as a goal. I find that I don't do well when I focus on losing weight, but I do better if I focus on the activities (#3 & #4) that will likely lead to weight loss. So that's where I'm putting my focus: eating in a healthy way (eating when hungry, eating nutritious foods) and exercising regularly.

Do you make resolutions at the new year? Do you seriously try to keep them or just kind of think of them as things you know you won't achieve? See the new poll in the sidebar.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

BJ, The Menu for Our Next Date. . .

You Should Ask Him Out for Italian Food

Your man is a true romantic, and he can appreciate a nice restaurant.
Take him to a dark little Italian place, and he'll really know your true intentions.
This guy wears his heart on his sleeve, so don't be surprised if he out does you with a great date next time.
And watch out drinking too much wine... unless you want both your true feelings to come out.

You Are Champagne

A true mystery, no one can quite figure you out...
That is, until you start drinking. Then you tend to let loose.
You're fun to drink with, but it definitely takes you a few drinks to loosen up.
You prefer to date a man who likes the finer things in life... like a five star dinner with that champagne.

You Are Smores

Unusual and unconventional, you make your strange ways work for you.
You've got personality - no one's denying that!

You Are a Plain Ole Cup of Joe

But don't think plain - instead think, uncomplicated
You're a low maintenance kind of girl... who can hang with the guys
Down to earth, easy going, and fun! Yup, that's you: the friend everyone invites.
And your dependable too. Both for a laugh and a sympathetic ear.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Guilt and Fear

Those are my overriding emotions today -- guilt and fear.

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for all that I have done and am doing to W. I feel guilty for everything that I have done that makes him feel like I lied to him for 20 years. I guess I did lie to him for 20 years. I told him that he was the one I wanted above all others and that wasn't really true. I wanted, or thought I wanted, J for all those years. I often wondered about J and often wished I had waited and married him. Now, what I have learned in the last few months is that J and I make great buddies. We can be fast friends, but it isn't going to be more than that. There is no real romantic interest in him now that I've gotten reacquainted with him. So if W's and my love was strong, J would not have caused more than a momentary blip on the screen of our lives. That was not the case however. The truth is that W's and my marriage has been in trouble a long time, but I stayed anyway, another thing I feel guilty about. I wasted too many years trying to deny that my marriage was in trouble. I wasted my time and W's, and now it is very hurtful to him that I want out. Guilt again, this time felt for hurting W. Part of me wants to suck it up, swallow the problems, hide behind the facade and stay to try to mitigate all the hurt I've caused for W.

The fear comes from having to deal with my request that W leave the house. Because of W leaving, I will have to talk to N about it, explain that his dad and I both love him and hope to hell he beliieves me. I also fear that just because I've asked W to leave doesn't mean that I won't have to face him again, that I won't have to deal with the sad puppy dog eyes, the pleading for reconciliation, the attempts to win me back. I fear that I will be so weak as to succomb to his wishes, to acquiesce and allow him to stay and to continue to work on repairing the marriage. I don't want to do that. I want to stand up for my happiness for a change. One other fear is the fear of having to take care of myself, do all the things W generally does for us like laundry and dishes and taking my car to have it fixed and all the other things he does. I fear this most of all, taking care of myself. For 20 years, in some ways, W has taken care of me. I feel ill-prepared to take over the task.

It feels like I've stepped off a really tall cliff, and like Wile E. Coyote, I just looked down and realized that I'm not standing on anything and am starting to fall. If you hear a loud splat you'll know I've hit bottom.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Whew! What a Project

After switching to New Blogger (although it was still Beta when I switched) I started to dink around with things a bit. The biggest changes I made were 1) attaching labels to each and every of my 200+ posts and 2) changing to the updated template which was a pain in some ways because of all the extra "stuff" in my sidebar but also allowed me to easily add my labels list to the sidebar.

So now, if you want to read every post about W you can click on the W label in the sidebar and get every single one of them, currently at 106 I believe, more than any other label. On the other hand, if you want to see the few posts where I've touched upon religion click on that label. Hopefully this will be helpful if anybody (including myself) ever wants to go back and find what I said about a particular topic.

Adding the labels was time consuming, but from now on I'll add them as I write the posts so it will be much, much easier. I think the fact that I did this (and am doing it but haven't finished it on my other blog) is indicative of a certain OCD like trait that I have to some extent.

Agony and Ecstasy

The Agony
Telling W that I was leaving for a couple of days and want him to move out. I took the chicken's way out, and told him on the phone as I was driving out of town. He tried a couple of ways to emotionally blackmail me, threatening to disappear and not stay in N's life. I refused to let him blackmail me this time though. This time I said "Do what you have to. I think it would be better for N if you stayed in his life. I want you to stay in his life, but you do what you have to."

Work also sucks. At the busiest time of the year, we have one coworker out on maternity leave leaving the other four of us to pick up the slack. Although I was supposed to have all this week off, I had to work Wednesday and will have to be back Friday. I am not happy.

The Ecstasy
I'm with BJ since last night until early tomorrow morning. He is wonderful. Being with him is wonderful. Touching him, kissing him and all the rest is wonderful. Staring into his eyes is wonderful. Talking to him is wonderful. Yes, this is the ecstasy in my life. Unfortunately, at least for now, it comes in much too small quantity.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

I left my Christmas poll up longer than I have my other ones just to see how many votes I would get if I left it up more than a week. I got about 5 more votes than I averaged with my weeklong polls so I guess most people who are going to respond respond within a week of the poll being posted.

The results I thought were good, probably because I am a huge fan of Christmas even though this Christmas isn't easy for me. Most people at least like some part of Christmas, with only three respondants choosing truly negative options.

The results in their entirety:
How do you feel about the Christmas season? [27 votes total]

Love it! Love it! Love it! (8) 30%
Love the Christian aspects, the secular aspects not so much (4) 15%
Love the secular aspects, the Christian aspects not so much (2) 7%
I like Christmas, but think it's a little overdone (8) 30%
I don't celebrate Christmas, but the hoopla doesn't bother me (2) 7%
I don't celebrate Christmas, and the hoopla drives me nuts (1) 4%
I dislike the whole Christmas season (1) 4%
Hate it! Hate it! Hate it! (1) 4%

Christmas is difficult this year. Today my parents celebrated with us. Dad is having a hard time, having had a cancerous polyp removed from his colon a couple of months ago. Physically he is doing better than emotionally. He and W commiserated with one another, but then again they are more contemporaries than father-in-law/son-in-law since Dad is only 7 years older than W. My mom is basically fine, but I see the occasional signs of her going the way of her mother into eventual dementia. So it wasn't the easiest Christmas for them or for us with them. Add to that the tension between W and me, and N caught in the middle of it all. I tried to focus on providing N with a merry Christmas and to let go of my own struggles for one day. For the most part I believe we all did pretty well though there were definitely topics we just don't ever address.

We spent yesterday afternoon baking pie and making the traditional who-likes-this-stuff-anyway gelatin salad. This morning I threw a beef roast with potatoes and carrots into the slow cooker. This afternoon I made a couple of more side dishes and we had a lovely Christmas dinner. And all day, throughout it all, my thoughts continued to wander to BJ, wondering what he was doing, how his Christmas was going, and aching for Wednesday to get here so I can see him again. I've only spent two weekends in my life with him, but I miss him terribly even though we talk online or via phone each and every day. We did manage an online chat this afternoon after exchanging a couple of voicemails earlier in the day.

Wishing each of you a very merry Christmas or whatever holiday you may celebrate at this time of year. Or if you don't celebrate any holiday at all right now, then just have a wonderful day.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

With Sincere Apologies to Clement Moore

Also, my apologies to all the people I didn't get included in this poem. There are many more bloggers I wanted to include, but my brain got tired. Please know that if you are not included below it is not because I love you less than the included people. I love you all, every one of my readers and the writers of the blogs that I read.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when into my blog
I tried to write something but fell asleep like a log;
I had a strange dream about friend after friend
Most only known by their blogs where too much time I do spend;

I first dreamed of Emily so far away,
I dreamed of warm weather in which she and Little Dude did play;
And then there was Freebird,
She brought Mr. E for a party she’d heard,
They’d come ‘round the world to join us she said
She said Mr. B had stayed home in his bed.

Just then we turned to see Aphron walk up;
Sybil was with him but she seemed quite torn up.
Seems Aphron had not listened just right
And brought her out when she wanted to stay in tonight.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a dear sweet tall man with some pizza and beer,
The party could start for BJ was here!

He's stolen my heart and soon the rest knew
What a wonderful man he is, but devilish too!

We turned on some music and some started to dance,
FTN and Autumn came in and they took a chance
To twirl ‘round the floor to celebrate their romance.
Desmond arrived and brought his wife Molly
They left the kids back at home so they both looked quite jolly!

The party was hopping, the guests were all agrin
When Mr. Husbland and his wife Lex strode in.
The door barely closed when it opened a bit
To admit Finished Last who showed up looking fit.
“That SELAP diet really works,” he said proudly
And he showed off his abs as the girls giggled loudly.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
A sound that I thought for sure was a spoof.
It couldn’t be real but saw as I turned around,
Down the chimney Digger Jones came with a bound.
He had on his cage, or so we were told
He wouldn’t show us claiming not to be bold.

Just then in came All of Her Secrets and revealed
So much of herself that some of the men reeled.
The bloggers they partied, they chatted, how merry!
They enjoyed themselves much, oh they did very very!

The hour grew later, I thought we were all there
I was wrong though because coming in late was Old Bear.
He joined in the frivolity, happy and light
We all partied as though not one had a plight.

But soon in my dream I saw the hour grow late.
We’d had fun, we’d had laughs, we had shared the same fate
Of tiring early, we’re getting so old
We’re not young anymore and not near so bold
As to stay out all night to the morning’s first rays
No we better all get back to our regular days.

As we hugged at the door to say our goodbyes
We spotted a fellow arrive who was quite a surprise!
He was dressed all in red from his head to his toe
Had a sack on his shoulder and a beard white as snow.
He opened his sack and passed out some gifts
Then turned on his heel and disappeared ‘round some drifts.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he strolled out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Taking stock, yet again

Seems like I’m always stopping to take stock, see where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m going. Seems like eventually I’d get this all worked out and not have to stop over and over to take stock. Seems like it, but apparently it doesn’t work that way. Apparently I have to take a couple of steps forward, and then take stock before I can take another step forward.

The concept I am currently struggling with is this – how did I get from Point A (having an ill husband and terrified of losing him) to Point B (wanting to divorce said husband) in just a bit more than a year?
1. How could my opinions change so very radically in that amount of time? How could I go from wanting to make my marriage better to wanting out of it?
2. How did I get from there to here?
3. Why did I spend my summer in search of meaningless emotionless sex only to find that wasn’t what I was really looking for after all?
4. And are the feelings and thoughts I have now any more rational and/or valid that those I had in the past?
5. Is there any reason to think that the decisions I am making now are any better than the ones I made in the past, or that they are not perhaps even worse?
6. Am I rationalizing now, or was I rationalizing then? Or both?
7. And where and how do I find the confidence to know that I am following the right path?
8. And why are there so many more questions than answers?
9. And where does one turn for answers to these types of questions?
10. And why isn’t there a simple instruction manual somewhere to guide me through all of this? Why can’t I just follow steps 1-8 and achieve result Y?
11. Where is the book Life for Dummies? I need that book right here and right now, the definitive guide to life, how to make every choice a good one, how to determine the right course of action in every situation, how to find happiness and better yet contentedness.
12. And why do the writers of the blogs I read almost all seem to have their acts together and write so much more coherently than I do?

The answers, to the best of my ability:
1. I realize that most of what I was feeling a year ago was based on fear and the belief that I could not take care of myself, that I needed someone else to take care of me. Now, I’m beginning to see that I can be responsible and capable and competent so it is easier for me to acknowledge the bad side of the relationship.
2. I got here by dealing with some of the things inside me that were holding me back – depression, low self-esteem, fear, denial.
3. Because I was confused about what I needed and how to get it. What I needed most was validation, validation that I was indeed a desirable woman, validation that not all men were completely turned off by me. And I did get that validation.
4. Boy, not sure on this one. I hope so, but I’m afraid not.
5. I think my decisions are better, but I’m really not sure. Otherwise I wouldn’t be asking the question, now would I?
6. Probably both.
7. This is a hard one for me for I still find that I trust others’ judgment more than mine and that I depend on others’ opinions far too much and my own far too little.
8. I suspect it is because I’m human.
9. Anyone? Anyone care to answer this one?
10. Because life just doesn’t work that way so quit whining and deal with it.
11. Boy, if anybody ever writes that one I’ll be the first one out there buying it.
12. Probably because rather than spewing words onto the page with ultimate frequency they cogitate a bit and analyze and think and edit and just do a damn better job than I do.

Friday, December 22, 2006

History of J and I: Part 4

Now, let's see, where was I? Ah, yes, spring of 1985. I had just turned 24. I was sort of long distance dating J and sort of long distance engaged to Kurt. And I was working in my town of domicile.

In the type of work I was doing, each assignment could bring a different crew of coworkers, and because we were scattered all over the state and country even, it took a while to get to know everybody. I went on an assignment with a supervisor I knew, one auditor I knew, and one auditor I had not yet met. On the first day of the assignment I learned that the auditor whom I did not know was taking a week's vacation and would not start until the following Monday. That next Monday, W walked into my life, and we met for the first time. As companies often do, they stuck us in a small room crowded around a fairly small conference table. A dot matrix printer sat in one corner. Blessedly, it was not often used, but when it was we inevitably jumped when it started up. Poor W was the one that sat closest to it, probably because he was the last to arrive at the assignment.

The four of us auditors got along pretty well with one another and most days ate lunch together in the company cafeteria. I got to know W a little through our lunchtime discussions. He was not domiciled here but in another part of the state and was renting a short term apartment near the company and going home to his wife on weekends. Soon W and I were both arriving early to the job and having breakfast together in the company cafeteria. At one point, W asked me to go out to dinner with him, which I did. He took me to TGI Friday's. (It just so happens that this particular TGI Friday's is no farther than a mile from where we now live, and we still go there for dinner occasionally.) After dinner he invited me back to his apartment. I went. We talked and played cards. His wife called and they talked for a bit. When he got off the phone I said I had better head home and did.

J and I continued to be in touch, but I wasn't putting as much effort into it. I was putting even less effort into Kurt. W became my main focus. Now I knew that W was married. My thoughts on that subject were that his marriage was his business, and if he was comfortable dating me on the side I wasn't going to worry about it. I know that sounds terribly callous, and I was. I was very callous in that regard. I'm not proud of it, but it was what it was. Now since this post is supposed to be my history with J, not with W, I'll try to get back to J. If you want more details on my history with W you can read these posts on my other blog:
this one chronicles the start of my relationship with W, and
this one continues my history with W up through a few years ago

I will repeat some of what is in those other posts here, the parts pertinent to J (or Ex as I refer to him on my other blog):
It wasn’t long before Hubs left his wife, and we moved in together. My next assignment was to take me to a city far away from Hubs’ next assignment. Showing an utter lack of maturity, common sense or wisdom of any form, I called my boss and quit. Just told him I wouldn’t be showing up for the next assignment and basically gave him no reason. At the same time, I followed Hubs to his next assignment and ended all contact with my family and friends, including Ex and [Kurt]. What was I thinking? How could I do this? I believe I was running scared. I knew that I had pushed the boundaries beyond what anyone I knew and cared about would see as acceptable. I had done unthinkable things: taken up with a married man, a much older married man with children older than I, broken up his marriage, quit my job to be with him. Nobody could possibly understand those choices. I’m not sure I understood those choices. So I chose to disappear with no forwarding address.

Shortly after we married, I received a letter from Ex (apparently Mom & Dad had given him my mailing address) saying that he was now ready to think about marriage, and, if I remember right, asking me to return home to him. I cried when I received the letter. I cried and cried and cried. It was too late. I had loved Ex so much for so long and never felt that he returned that love (which, I believe, is at least part of the reason I continued to turn to other men throughout our relationship). Now he wanted me, but I had already moved on. I was already married to Hubs. I couldn’t turn back. When I looked at the way Hubs accepted me for who I was, making no judgments, just loving me each and every day, and compared that to how Ex had treated me, teasing me about my weight and about the facial hair I hadn’t yet learned to get waxed on a regular basis, and always holding back from giving me the love and acceptance I so coveted; I had to choose to stay with Hubs. I didn’t think I could ever live up to what Ex would want me to be, and I never gave him the chance to prove otherwise. I wrote to Ex explaining that I had married. I don’t know what else I said in the letter, but I do know there was a pain in my heart when I put it in the mail. I loved Hubs, but I also loved Ex. I don’t remember for sure, but I’ll bet you anything I binged big time the day I mailed that letter.

I moved on, putting Ex out of my mind (most of the time) and focused on my relationship with Hubs. We shared everything with each other, told each other our deepest, darkest secrets, and accepted one another just as we were, imperfect by far but neither worse than the other. I felt that I was okay, good enough, for the first time in my life. Somehow, somewhere in the back of my mind continued the nagging feeling though that I wasn’t. I was good enough for Hubs, good enough for this new life half a country away from my roots, but I would never be good enough to return to my family. I would never be truly okay.

So that's it. That's my history with J. That's all there is to know prior to the start of this blog.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

History of J and I: Part 3

When I graduated I moved back home to my parents' house. Although I had interviewed with many companies before graduation I did not have a job waiting for me when I graduated in the middle of winter. I moved home and spent every morning sending out résumés and cover letters. Afternoons were devoted to watching soap operas and just generally hanging out. J's family had moved about an hour south, and he was attending a local college there so we saw each other occasionally but not often. Kurt was quite a ways away, and I never ever saw him although we wrote letters to each other. We might have even talked on the phone sometimes, but I don't really remember.

After a few months I found a job about an hour west of my hometown, putting me about 1½ hours away from J and about 3 or 4 hours from Kurt. I spent a lot of time on the phone with each of them, and each of them came to visit a couple of times. J came over and went to a baseball game with me, but drove home that night. He wouldn't spend the night with me because his parents would be upset about it. Kurt came down and spent a weekend with me. When J's parents went away for a couple of weeks I spent two weekends with him at his house. We slept together in the sense that we slept in the same bed with one another. We kissed and petted some under our pajamas, but that was it. Then we just slept. We didn't even see each other naked, but changed clothes privately. The most we saw of one another was our pajamas which were not racy at all. One of his neighbors told his parents about my car being parked at their house all weekend. J told them nothing happened, but they of course didn't believe him and lectured him long and hard on the dangers of premarital sex, yada, yada, yada.

So life was just rolling along. I was living alone in the big city. I was dating J occasionally. I was still engaged, sort of, to Kurt. Then I was sent on a six month assignment to Texas. Contact with J and Kurt was then limited to phone calls and letters. Shortly after I moved into my apartment in Texas I met the guy that lived in the apartment directly above mine. He was almost 20 years older than me, divorced, Iranian, and very slick. He sweet talked me right into a very sexy relationship. He was a pretty good lover, and we had a lot of fun. It was clear to me that he was not serious boyfriend material, but then I already had two "serious" boyfriends in J and Kurt. I didn't need a serious boyfriend, but the guy upstairs was convenient and fun, and we had a good time together. While I was down in Texas I found out a guy I knew from high school, let's call him Doug, was living in another town in Texas, a couple hours drive from where I was living. I called him or he called me, and we started talking frequently on the phone. Eventually, I started spending most weekends with Doug, either driving down to see him or him driving up to see me. Doug was messed up in many ways which naturally made my nurturing side to kick in. I tried to take care of him and help him out. He was a pretty good lover, albeit very vanilla, but he was a mess in so many other ways. He was always broke yet he would take me out for steak dinners. We had a pretty good time while I was in Texas, but I've never had any contact with him since then. I remember thinking while I was in Texas that I could envision J and I having a long distance marriage with him living back home and me traveling on assignments throughout the country. I thought that would work pretty well for us because we got along really well when we weren't around each other too much. I don't remember thinking about marriage with Kurt at all even though as far as he was concerned we were still engaged, and he thought that as soon as he found a decent job and saved some money that we would get married.

J never knew about any of my Texas escapades, and when I'd be home we'd go out together. It was around this time that J switched from a biology major to accounting. He gave up his dreams of being a doctor because he was unable to get the necessary grades to get into med school. After my six months in Texas and a couple more a little closer to home, I was finally back in my home territory for a few months on a local assignment.

So I was back home. I continued to talk to Kurt on the phone. I didn't feel very close to him though in any way. I continued to occasionally date J, and we attended a wedding for a mutual friend together. J and I talked a lot on the phone. I was really wanting for J to commit to me by becoming engaged. And no, I had never broken off the engagement with Kurt, but I fully intended to if only I could get J to commit. That's how insecure I was. I would have settled for Kurt if I had to even though I really wanted J. I was just so convinced that I was unlovable that I felt I had to hang onto whoever I could persuade to care about me. J was not ready to make that step, to commit to marriage. He wanted to finish school first, to have a job before being married or even engaged.

This is where I'll leave it for now. In Part 4, I'll share how W entered the picture and life changed very dramatically.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

History of J and I: Part 2

When I went away to college I don’t think anything was explicitly said about dating or not dating others while I was away. I think J and I both just expected that it would be okay to do so, and we did. I spent my freshman year at school dating various and sundry guys, generally no more than a date or two, nothing serious. Anytime I was at home on break J and I would see each other. There just kind of seemed to be this unspoken understanding that he and I were “together” even though we didn’t get to spend much time with one another and didn’t even really stay in contact much when I was away.

In the spring of my freshman year, things changed. I met Rob, and we started dating, and eventually he became the first guy I ever had sex with (see that story in this post). When I returned home at the end of the semester I went out with J. I told him that I had had sex with Rob and was concerned I might be pregnant because I was late. (This was the first of many scares I had during my college years over such things, but as it turns out my body doesn’t get pregnant, or never has anyway, so every scare was for naught.) I don’t remember J being very upset that I’d been with someone else, but he was quite concerned about the possibility of pregnancy. That would definitely be a bad thing for our relationship. Finally, my period arrived and I breathed a big sigh of relief. Then I returned to school for the summer session.

That summer I met a guy, let’s call him Chip, a year older than I who was just transferring to the university. Chip came from a small town not terribly far from my hometown. We talked a lot one evening in the dorm lounge. We started talking a lot more and soon we were dating. Chip was a virgin when we met, but he wasn’t for long. One weekend when his roommate was gone for the weekend, we spent the night together in Chip’s room. Chip was nervous, and it wasn’t the best sex we ever had, but it was the beginning of a relationship that lasted almost a year. I never told J about Chip or Chip about J. J was the at home boyfriend, and Chip was the at school boyfriend. Worked for me. Chip and I broke up the following summer after he tried to hit me. A friend of his intervened, or he probably would have hit me. I have a strict “one strike and you’re out policy” so that was the end of Chip and me as a couple.

My third year in college began with me not seeing anyone at school but still having J back home. Throughout my college years, J and I would see each other about once or twice a week when I was home from school, which wasn’t very much since I attended summer school as well as regular semesters. He and I both seemed comfortable with the amount of contact we had though. I don’t remember ever pining away for him while I was at school. Somehow I just had two different lives, the school life and the home life. I wonder now what my parents thought of me almost always having two boyfriends, one in each location.

Sometime during my third year in college, I met and started dating a guy I’ll call Kurt. Now, there was absolutely no reason for me to be dating Kurt. I dated him because I was lonely not because I had strong feelings for him. He hurt me early on when he told me that he would rather be dating another acquaintance of ours but that she wouldn’t give him the time of day because of his weight (he was quite heavy) so he had to settle for someone like me (I was a bit heavy myself, and lots heavier than the waif he really wanted). That comment hurt, really hurt big time. I don’t know if Kurt ever knew how much that remark hurt me because I just sucked it up and didn’t say a word. As time went by Kurt and I really did think we loved each other. He was another virgin that I deflowered. Kurt was the kind of guy who spent hours with his friends playing Dungeons and Dragons or Risk. I became kind of a groupie to them always hanging out watching them play. I eventually kind of became one of the gang, playing Risk whenever they played, and occasionally playing D&D with them. Kurt and I dated for the remainder of my college career even once he graduated with his BA in English and moved back home. I stayed on an extra semester because I was working on my Masters degree. I had gotten my BS in 3½ years, and then spent one more year to earn my MAS. He would come down for weekends, or I would go up to his parents’ house where he was living on weekends. We probably saw each other 2 or 3 weekends a month during that time. J was still the boyfriend back home. J and Kurt knew nothing of one another. At some point, I believe while I was in grad school, Kurt and I became engaged. He bought me a small but beautiful engagement ring which I wore proudly except when I went home on breaks at which time I would take it off and leave it in its little blue velvet box. While Kurt told his family we were engaged, I never shared that tidbit with my family or any of my friends back home, including J. Oh, and by the way, J and I still hadn’t done more than kissing and above the waist petting at this time. He was a very good Christian boy and wasn’t persuaded by any of my attempts at further intimacy.

But now that college was coming to an end how would I continue to live two separate lives? How would I handle my relationships with Kurt and J? How would all of this turn out now that I was embarking on a journey into real life? Stay tuned for Part 3 for the very wacky answers to those and other questions.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

History of J and I: Part 1

J has played a major role in the saga of my life the last few months. I’ve shared that he and I were high school sweethearts, but I’ve never really shared our history here. For the sake of just wanting to do so I’m going to go back and fill in some of the missing pieces about some of my history.

The very first time I met J I was a sophomore in high school, and he was a freshman. He was in beginners’ band that year learning to play the trombone. I was learning, on my own time, to play the trombone. The band director was meeting with me privately at lunch time and sometimes after school to give me lessons. To my best recollection, beginners’ band met either just before or just after my lunch hour so that I would see the people from beginners’ band quite a bit. I also think that maybe Mr. D had me join the beginners’ band trombone players’ sectionals occasionally, but I’m not sure. Anyway, that’s when I first met J, but didn’t pay any attention to him at all. He was, after all, just a freshman and looked every bit the nerdy immature freshman boy. Also, I already had a boyfriend or few so wasn’t particularly looking though having a boyfriend never kept me from looking for, finding, or dating other boyfriends. I don’t know that we ever actually even talked to each other that year.

My junior year, J and I were both playing trombone in the high school band. That meant, with only four trombone players we were never sitting farther apart than one person away from each other because the guy that was first chair was always first chair no matter how many times I challenged him. I was almost always second chair (except when I lost the rare challenge by one of the lower chairs), and mostly J went back and forth with the other guy playing trombone for third and fourth chairs. I got along great with the guys that played trombone. (I always was better friends with guys than girls.) Junior year I rotated through/juggled several boyfriends, and didn’t give much thought to J. He was just a goofball that I hung around because we were trombone players.

My senior year, I was running short on boyfriends. For some reason, I was pretty much alone. I set my sights on J. I decided I wanted J as my boyfriend, and once I decided something like that I pretty much made it my mission to make it so. (Still do to tell the truth.) So the fall of the year was devoted to wooing J. It wasn’t easy. He had never dated anybody before. He was a geek. He wasn’t used to female attention. I don’t think he was sure he wanted female attention. But there I was. Throwing myself at him. Flirting with him. At every marching band festival, every rehearsal, every chance I got I was right there. Eventually, at the Halloween parade I finally got him to take me out afterwards. I don’t even remember where we went or what we did. I know that a lot of our later dates consisted of driving up to the bowling alley, bowling a couple of games, and then driving out to our favorite deserted country road to make out for a while. Making out for us consisted of kissing and a little above the waist petting. That was it. Although we were “going with” each other that never stopped me from my regular habit of dating other guys at the same time. It was just a different kind of dating with other guys, more focused on making out, less focused on anything else of a date nature. I never went with other guys to movies or the bowling alley or dinner, just J. I was a little warped in my thinking I guess. J and I continued dating right up to me leaving for college.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging

That's my personality type, ISTJ, or Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging. If you already know your personality type you can find descriptions at Typelogic. You can also find links there to take a test to find out your personality type.

Here are some excerpts from what they had to say about ISTJs:

ISTJs are often called inspectors. They have a keen sense of right and wrong, especially in their area of interest and/or responsibility. [Hence my crushing struggles over my recent behavior.] They are noted for devotion to duty. Punctuality is a watchword of the ISTJ. The secretary, clerk, or business (wo)man by whom others set their clocks is likely to be an ISTJ. [And it drives me crazy that others are not as punctual as I. Be on time, damn it!]
As do other Introverted Thinkers, ISTJs often give the initial impression of being aloof and perhaps somewhat cold. [Been told that many, many times.] Effusive expression of emotional warmth is not something that ISTJs do without considerable energy loss.

ISTJs are most at home with "just the facts, Ma'am." They seem to perform at highest efficiency when employing a step-by-step approach. [I've often said I just want step by step instructions for life and I'd be fine.] Once a new procedure has proven itself (i.e., has been shown "to work,") the ISTJ can be depended upon to carry it through, even at the expense of their own health. [Okay, not sure about carrying on with a procedure at the expense of my health!]

ISTJs are easily frustrated by the inconsistencies of others, especially when the second parties don't keep their commitments. [Yes, yes, yes! Why don't others keep their commitments?!?] But they usually keep their feelings to themselves unless they are asked. [True, which is why I blog, to track the feelings nobody asks about.] And when asked, they don't mince words. Truth wins out over tact. [Yes, I'm very big on truth, and it's killing me not to just tell W the plain unvarnished truth.] The grim determination of the ISTJ vindicates itself in officiation of sports events, judiciary functions, or an other situation which requires making tough calls and sticking to them. [Some might be offended to be described as having grim determination, but I like it. And it fits.]

His SJ orientation draws the ISTJ into the service of established institutions. Home, social clubs, government, schools, the military, churches -- these are the bastions of the SJ. [By golly, they've pegged me here too. I love being involved in church and various other organizations, often serving on boards and councils.] "We've always done it this way" is often reason enough for many ISTJs. Threats to time-honored traditions or established organizations (e.g., a "run" on the bank) are the undoing of SJs, and are to be fought at all costs. [I try not to be this way, but I am.]

Famous ISTJs:
Thomas (Christ's disciple)

U.S. Presidents:
George Washington
Andrew Johnson
Benjamin Harrison
Herbert Hoover
George H. W. Bush

Paul Coverdale (U.S. Senator, R-GA)
Jackie Joyner-Kersee (U.S. Olympic athlete)
Evander Holyfield, heavyweight boxing champion

Fictional ISTJs:
Joe Friday
Mr. Martin (hero of James Thurber's Sitting in the Catbird Seat)
Eeyore (Winnie the Pooh)
Fred Mertz (I Love Lucy)
Puddleglum, the marshwiggle (Chronicles of Narnia)
Cliff (Cheers)

Well, goodness, you might just as well have written a biography of me. Yes, I am pretty much all of the things described above. I have even compared myself to the likes of Eeyore many times, was captivated by Joe Friday and his "Just the facts ma'am" line, laughed at Fred Mertz and Cliff Claven but also kind of identified with them.

Thanks goes to Digger for sending me on this little quest to find out more about me. I already knew that my Myers Briggs type was ISTJ, but it's been a while since I've read up on me.

Uh Oh

My horoscope for Monday:

You might try your hand at secretly manipulating others today, or you may be the subject of someone else's underhanded maneuvers. As tempted as you might be to pull the strings that will create the effects you seek, try to steer clear of this kind of control, especially if you are feeling too extreme. If you become obsessed, back off and chill out.

Oh man, the queen of manipulation is going to be tempted to manipulate. Geez, I ought to just stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Just Another Day at My House

9:00 a.m. N comes in and wakes me up. We've all overslept. Sunday School starts at 9:30 so we won't make that but we can still make church at 10:45.
10:00 a.m. We're dressed for church, and an argument ensues over what to have for breakfast. We don't have time for this. We decide to stop for doughnuts to eat on the way to church.
10:10 a.m. I say that I think we should take W's car to church because my car was having problems yesterday. W says he thinks it will be okay to take my car. I don't want to but agree just to keep the peace.
10:15 a.m. We've stopped at the grocery for doughnuts. They don't have what N wants, a chocolate frosted with sprinkles, and we've gone less than a mile and the temperature guage on my car is rising faster than I'm comfortable with. We skip breakfast and return home.
10:30 a.m. W and N insist we should go ahead and go to church. I tell them to go ahead and go. I don't feel like it. W refuses to go without me. I refuse to go. W is angry I won't go. I'm angry he won't go without me. N is sitting playing his gameboy trying to ignore the argument, but the look on his face tells me he is doing anything but ignoring it.
10:40 a.m. I can't stand it. I go to my bedroom, lay down on the bed and read a magazine.
11:00 a.m. N comes into my bedroom. He has changed to play clothes, and asks if he can go to a friend's house down the street. I say to ask his dad, and he says that W told him to ask me. I tell him it's okay to go, but to be back at noon for lunch.
11:30 a.m. Somewhere around here I fall asleep on my bed and take a nap.
1:25 p.m. N comes in and wakes me up. He wants to know if we're going to have lunch. I tell him yes and that we had planned on going to a restaurant so we could buy a gift card there for a Christmas present while we're there. N asks where W is, and I tell him I don't know. He goes and looks and tells me W is in the basement office. I get up and fix my hair, and the three of us go to lunch.

We do not have two adults and a child living in this house. We are three children, all having our own tantrums. We are a mess. We are in need of someone to grow up and take charge and make the changes that are necessary. And yet, all I really want to do is go back to bed and take another nap. . .

Saturday, December 16, 2006

60 Questions and Answers

I was up very, very late last night reading, reading, reading many and various blogs. Found this meme in the archives at All of Her Secrets and promptly stole it.

1] What is your middle name? Marie
2] What color is your mailbox? Green
3] Are you available? Not really
4] Have you ever hit a deer? No
5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home? No
6] Do you get the paper delivered to your house in the morning? Yes, can't live without the morning paper
7] Who checks the mail in your house? W
8] Do you have a small driveway? No, we have a pretty wide driveway
9] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you? No, and I would change mine if I did
10] What do you do first in the morning? Hit the Snooze button
11] What brand is your printer? Dell
12] Do you enjoy fighting with people? No
13] Is your hair naturally straight or curly? Embarassingly straight
14] Who was your kindergarten teacher? I didn't attend kindergarten (yes, I know that makes me a freak, but the school district we lived in didn't have kindergarten back then. I did go to a Head Start program the summer before first grade though I have no idea what the teacher's name was.)
15] Are you taller than your mother? Oh yes
16] Do have a favorite word? Love
17] Are you God? Of course not
18] What do you do to get over a broken heart? Just suffer through it
19] Do you have a deep dark secret? Oh yes, more than one
20] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens? Yes, one of life's great joys
21] Does anything hurt on your body right now? No, not any more than usual
22] Do you often cry during a movie? Yes
23] Do you hate your life? Yes
24] Do you get mad easily? No
25] What is your biggest pet peeve? People who don't follow through on what they say they'll do
26] What is your away message? My what?
27] Do any of your friends have kids? Yes
28] Who should pay on the first date? Whoever made the invite
29] How many years older than you are you willing to date? Well, W is 27 years older so I don't know that I have an upper limit, particularly just for dating
30] Do you have any friends? Very few in real life, a few internet friends
31] Do you have any mean friends? No
32] What is the ugliest color in your opinion? Mustard yellow
33] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand? Yes
34] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff? Yes, more than once
35] Do you itch your ears? Rarely
36] What brand are the pant/jeans you are wearing right now? Cherokee
37] How tall are you? 5' 6"
38] What is the closest green object? The chair in which I'm sitting
39] What is on your feet? My red and green Christmas Converse hi-top tennis shoes
40] Do you like watermelon? Not particularly
41] Do you want to have kids? I think I'll stick with the one I already have
42] What is the brightest color you are wearing? Red
43] Who is the friend you have that you would never have expected to have gotten to know? Probably one of my internet friends
44] What is your mothers middle name? Joyce
45] Stupidest movie you ever saw? Curious George
46] Do you like your dad? More than I used to
47] Do you have any TV shows on DVD? No
48] Are you wearing makeup? No, and I rarely do
49] Do you have a tattoo? No, but I will someday
50] Do you know how to draw? No
51] Who is your hero? Jesus
52] Who did you last IM? BJ
53] Do you work a lot of hours? Yes
54] What do you do when you are stressed out? Eat
55] Who was the last person to call you? An employment recruiter
56] Is there anything you regret? More things than I can count
57] Do you know where your family name originated from? England
58] Is there an animal that creeps you out? Snakes
59] What was the last thing you did for fun? Phone sex with BJ yesterday at lunchtime
60] Last time you cried? Last Sunday when W and I argued

Who? Me?

You scored as Chains/Handcuffs. Your turn on is handcuffs and chains. You like being cuffed/chained to the bed, or cuffing/chaining your partner down. You love the pure ectasy of being in complete control... or letting someone else have complete control over you. Sex isn't sex without control.







Blind Folds






What's Your Kinky Turn On?
created with

Friday, December 15, 2006

Somebody Cares

I was surprised yesterday that somebody, one of my blog readers, actually left me a voicemail message on my voicemail number that you can find to the right in my profile.

I won't say who it was as I don't know that they want me to share that information, but I would like to say to that person right here and now, THANK YOU. Thank you for caring enough to check up on me. Yes, I'm fine. I know my blog entries of the last week or so have been vastly different from my usual stuff, but I don't have anything new to say there. I still love BJ. W is still living in the guest room, yelling at N, and trying to talk me out of splitting up. I'm still struggling the same struggles as always. So there just isn't much to say as there is really nothing new going on there. I know, I know, not that that has ever stopped me before from blathering on, but I've not felt well this week either so that may have some impact.

Anyway, it's nice to know that somebody cares. I'm touched. Thanks again. Call anytime.

Your voice didn't sound anything like I thought it would.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Faith and Sinners

Maybe it’s just because of the particular blogs that I read, or some that I read, but I have been thinking a lot lately about my faith, or my religion if you prefer to term it that way. I have a lot on my mind, and I’m going to share it here. Not all at once, you understand, because I have a whole lot of thoughts, but bits and pieces as time and inclination allows.

It seems to me that there is a group of Christians out there (and no I’ll do no finger pointing at all here, if you think I mean you that’s between you and your conscience) who take a very hard line when it comes to sin, sinning and sinners. I would liken this group to the group in the Bible who were about to stone a woman for her sin. To the best of my memory of my reading of that particular event, Jesus said something to that group of people like “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Amazingly, all eventually dropped their stones and walked away. Not one could claim to be without sin.

Now, the group of modern day Christians about whom I’m speaking are likely to quickly point out here that Jesus did not stop there but also told the woman, “Go and sin no more.” Yes, yes he did. And that was between Jesus and the woman. Do I believe that she never committed another sin in her entire lifetime? No, I don’t. She was still human and still subject to human weakness and frailty. As a matter of fact, the Bible does not address whatever happened to this woman after her encounter with Jesus. We simply do not know. Point #1: What happens in your life with your sin and your relationship with God is yours and yours alone. It is not anyone else’s business.

This brings us back to the group that was prepared to stone the woman. Are we not often like that today? Although we don’t often stone people (although that does happen on occasion) we often openly ridicule people for their actions and their choices or gossip about them behind their backs. We often try to “punish” the sinners in one way or another. What we seem to fail to recognize is that we ourselves are sinners, or maybe we make ourselves feel better about ourselves by rationalizing that the sins we’ve committed aren’t nearly as bad as those of our neighbor. Then we feel justified in cutting down our sinning brethren or shunning them. But Jesus addressed this too at some point in time, likening this to pointing to the sty in another’s eye while ignoring the log in our own. Point #2: You have no business judging others and their sins while ignoring your own.

Now, let’s think this through further. Doesn’t it say in the Bible that we should confront our Christian brethren in love when we know them to be sinning? Why, yes, yes it does. (Sorry that I don’t have chapter and verse to quote throughout this diatribe. You want chapter and verse, attend Bible study.) So what would it mean to confront a fellow Christian in love about their sin? You’ll get many different answers to that one my friend.

A lot of hardliners will go to the extent of excommunication for some sins such as those of someone who divorces, or divorces and remarries. Does this help that sinner in his faith? Does that make him more or less likely to turn to his Christian community for help and support and guidance? My sense is that it will turn him away, and sometimes I believe that the hardline Christian community prefers that. They would prefer not to have the sinners in their midst (never mind what sins they may be committing and hiding from the world).

It seems to me that to confront a fellow Christian about their sin it does need to be done in love. If the person is truly Christian then they are likely already aware of the sin as sin. They likely are already struggling with it in their mind and their heart. There is a good chance they are already praying about it on a regular basis. So what should a fellow Christian do to confront this person? I believe that if it is to be done at all it must be done in a non-judgmental kind of way. Even if you cannot imagine yourself ever indulging in the sin that the other person is committing you can liken it in your mind to a sin that you yourself struggle with. Acknowledge to the person that we all sin, that you sin, that you are not there to condemn but to try to help the person through their struggle with sin. It is hard, very hard, to do this sometimes. It is harder to try to empathize and treat kindly those for whom there are struggles, but Jesus did exactly that. Jesus never said it was okay to sin, but He also never allowed anyone to believe that they could feel themselves better than anyone else no matter the part of society from which they came. Jesus ate with tax collectors. He spoke to prostitutes. He did all sorts of things that were considered outrageously radical at the time to many of the leaders of that day. I dare say that if he were here now, He would be considered as outrageously radical by many of our Christian leaders as He was then. Point #3: Pattern your life after Jesus rather than after “church leaders.”

Does God turn His back on us when we are sinning? No, not at all. He sent His Son to die for us for my sins and for yours. He made the Ultimate Sacrifice for us, and yet rather than appreciate that and share the joy of that grace with those around us we go around gossiping, backbiting, looking down at others, condemning others for their sins, all the while committing our own sins whether “small” or “large.” No wonder the world looks at us Christians as a bunch of holier-than-thou hypocrites. Perhaps, as Christians, we should be kneeling and praying fervently for forgiveness for turning more people away from Christ than bringing them to Him.

So ends today’s sermon by one wretched sinner. You can send your generous tithes, gifts and offerings to Trueself care of my blog. All monies received will go towards fighting hunger, disease, and homelessness. (In other words, I’ll use it to buy groceries, pay medical bills and pay off my home equity loan.)

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Trivial Pursuit

A trivia question:

I play five different instruments (not at the same time!).
They are piano, organ, flute, oboe, and trombone.
What do these five instruments have in common besides the fact that they are all musical instruments?
Leave your guesses in the comments.

I'll post the answer in a few days.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Alphabet Meme

[A is for age]: Older than Dirt
[B is for beer of choice]: Busch
[C is for career]: CPA
[D is for favorite Drink]: Coffee
[E is for Essential item you use everyday]: Computer
[F is for Favorite song at the moment]: Winter Wonderland
[G is for favorite Game]: Sorry, Monopoly, Risk, Trivial Pursuit, Backgammon
[I is for Instruments you play]: Piano, Organ, Flute, Oboe, Trombone
[J is for favorite Juice]: Cranberry
[K is for Kids]: One
[L is for last kiss]: Other than kisses on the cheek with N, it would have to be J on 11/17
[M is for marriage]: Sigh, 18 years but probably not making it to 19
[N is for full Name]: That would be True Self to you
[O is for Overnight hosp stays]: Only one for one night for a lap chole
[P is for phobias]: Telephones, spiders, snakes
[Q is for quote]: "If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got" – don’t know who said it first but I heard it from a weight loss counselor
[R is for biggest Regret]: Deciding to compound the mistake of marrying W by adopting a child with him
[S is for sports]: Swimming, basketball
[T is for Time you wake up]: 6:00 a.m. unless I hit the snooze button
[U is for color underwear]: Pink
[V is for Vegetable you love]: Eggplant
[W is for Worst Habit]: Surfing the internet
[X is for X-rays you've had]: Teeth, stomach, left hand, right knee, right ankle, probably a bunch when I was in a car accident when I was a toddler but I have no idea for sure
[Y is for Yummy food you make]: Vegetarian chili and cornbread
[Z is for zodiac sign]: Taurus.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Six Weird Things

I was tagged by BJ. In reading the rules, I guess I have to wonder about the definition of weird because I didn’t find all of the things BJ shared to be particularly weird. But then maybe that’s just a reflection of my own weirdness. Don’t know if you’ll necessarily find the things I share to be weird, but I think they’re weird.

THE RULES:Each player of this game starts with the “6 weird things about you.” People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I have this red bump on the side of my right knee that has been there ever since I was six and fell and skinned my knee horribly. When it healed this weird red bump was left behind.

2. I'm mostly left-handed except for sports. I play sports right-handed.

3. I can handwrite in mirror image just as easily and neatly as writing normally.

4. I really wish polyamory were an acceptable lifestyle in our society.

5. I am an emotional binge eater, and eat or don’t eat without any connection to hunger or the lack thereof.

6. I believe that God is more loving than vengeful, more kind than cruel. I believe He looks down on us with sadness when we sin. I believe that sadness is what led Him to send His Son to die for us.

I tag:
1) Emily, 2) Fiona, 3) Stinkypaw, 4) Tajalude, 5)FTN, and 6) Spinning Mia.

Good grief, this is a popular meme. I've had to change several on my list as I went to leave comments tagging people as they'd already done it. Sorry but even though Mia had also already been tagged, I tagged her again because I'm tired of trying to find alternative victims, er, um, participants.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Two Sides

There are at least two sides to every story. Unless a blog is authored by multiple contributors, it generally presents only one side of a story from the perspective of the author of that blog. If one were to believe all that is in my blog, one might think that W is the bad guy, and I am the victim for that is how I often write. Yet this is not a fair representation of our situation. W and I both have good and bad sides. Unfortunately, these days we both seem to be showing more of our bad sides and the good.

I was taken aback last night to hear how W sees our situation and perceives the same events that affect us both. You would think we lived in different homes, different marriages, different worlds. You would not recognize, if you were to hear his side of the story, that this was the same couple as the one spoken of in my blog. It is something like the story of two blind men both touching an elephant but coming back with vastly different descriptions of what an elephant is like because one was touching the elephant’s trunk and one was touching the elephant’s side. Both could accurately describe the part of the elephant they had touched, but neither had the “big picture.” W and I are like that in that he and I seem to see and judge our relationship based on different things so we have vastly different opinions of how the relationship is working and how much effort each of us is putting into it.

In one example from the several raised last night at counseling, were his and my differing perceptions of how he took care of me on the day of my recent surgery.

W’s side:
I took great care of TS that day, and completely turned my usual routine on its head for her.
I stopped and picked up lunch for TS on the way home from surgery getting her exactly what she asked for at one of her favorite restaurants.
I sat with her for a while when we got home, but she didn’t talk to me much so I don’t think she wanted me there.
I was gone no longer than 30 minutes to get her pain medication.
I tried to do my very best to be there for TS and get her whatever she needed.
I even managed to get some laundry done that day while caring for her.
I misunderstood when N came and told me TS needed a pain pill, and I got her one as soon as I came upstairs an hour or so later.
I made dinner that evening without complaining about it even though she was rude to me when I asked what she would like, and she wouldn’t tell me but made me guess. I was quite worried I would guess wrong, but she seemed pleased with what I made.
I apologized when I forgot to get TS the glass of water she asked for and got it as soon as I remembered.
TS didn’t seem as grateful as I thought she’d be that I spent the whole day doing things for her.

My side:
If I had known how things would have gone I would have asked my mom or cousin to care for me that day. It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t what I wanted in a caretaker.
It was nice that W got me lunch at one of my favorite lunch places that day. I appreciated that.
When we got home, W got me settled in the recliner with my lunch and sat with me while I ate. He spoke very little to me.
After he took my lunch dishes away W left for about 90 minutes to run a few errands including getting my pain medication.
When he returned, W spent the rest of the afternoon in the basement until dinner time grew close.
After I told W I would like him to make dinner since I wasn’t feeling up to it, W asked me what he should make for dinner. Having asked him this on many occasions, I gave him the same answer he always gives me, “Whatever you choose will be fine.” He turned around with an exasperated look on his face and sighed. I wish he had just accepted that on the day of surgery he would be completely responsible for providing dinner.
I had no idea what W was doing in the basement because he never told me he was doing laundry. I assumed he was on the computer as he usually is when I go looking for him. I didn’t go looking for him that day because I didn’t feel up to it.
At one point, I asked N to go ask W to get me a pain pill or to at least tell me where he put them so I could get one. N returned and said that W said he’d be up in a little bit. I felt that the need for a pain pill was important enough to take care of immediately not “in a little bit.”
At one point, W asked if there was anything he could get me. I said that I’d like a glass of ice water. He got distracted and didn’t get it. I wondered if he’d forgotten, and felt that I was not quite as important as he keeps telling me when he begs me not to separate from him. Quite a while later he finally brought me my water and apologized for forgetting.
W didn’t seem to understand my frustration that day with how things were going. It seemed that asking for one day’s attention is too much.

So there you are. Two sides to the same day’s events. Both parties feel justified in being a bit miffed at the other. Both parties feel like they did the best they could in the circumstances. Both parties do not understand why the other party feels as they do. Two sides, neither completely right nor completely wrong, but just seeing the situation from two different perspectives.

What’s the point here? Well, I guess the point is that we have grown so far apart we don’t see things the same way at all, though truth be told I believe that’s been true for many years. I wonder if it is a hurdle that we could get beyond, and yet I just don’t feel like I even want to try at this point. Then I berate myself for being selfish for not wanting to try to make it better anymore. Then I think but what if we do make it better, what will make it stick? Why would I think this time would be any different than all those other times when we’ve tried to make things better, and it has always basically ended up with me finally just shutting up and accepting that W is the way W is? What if I don’t want to accept him as he is anymore? What if I want something different in a relationship? Should I be stuck here because 20 years ago I made a bad decision, and because I kept on making bad decisions for many years after that? Does anyone else see that I just keep going around in circles here?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Back to the Stars

My horoscope for today:

This could be a day of inner turmoil for you, dear Taurus. You will be rethinking some of your fundamental values and are unsure if they are still relevant to your life. It is clear that some soul-searching is in order for you. There are no right or wrong answers here, only what is in your heart. If your goal is to live authentically, then you will need to make some big changes in your life. But don't act rashly. Think things all the way through before taking action.

Wow. This couldn't be more appropriate to my situation right now if they tried, particularly the part I highlighted with italics. Yes my goal is to live authentically, and yes I know that will require some big changes because divorce is a big big change. No, I don't want to act rashly. I'm trying to think things all the way through before taking action. Sometimes I think I'm taking too much time thinking things through, and that's what's keeping me from moving forward.

This is particularly relevant with regard to something BJ and I discussed last night. We want to see each other again and were trying to figure out when we might be able to meet. There are so many constraints. He has obligations this weekend and on Sunday the 17th. Then it’s Christmas weekend, and the following weekend I have obligations. After that, I go to a six day work week until at least mid-February with no vacations allowed which is just the nature of the job I have and happens every year.

The only scenario we could come up with to meet involves me having to take two days of vacation in mid-December. Because of my dwindling balance of vacation time, that would mean I would have to cancel the time off I have scheduled between Christmas and New Year’s, or at least part of it, in order to accommodate this. Now, in order to make all of that work the only way I can see to do it is basically to come somewhat clean with W, and tell him I’m going away for a couple of days in mid-December with someone else. I just don’t have a good enough cover story to do anything else. If I said I was going away on business then it wouldn’t explain why I couldn’t take time off work at the end of the month. If I come clean though, WWIII erupts and who knows what kind of chaos that will stir up. Don’t know that we need that kind of chaos just prior to Christmas. Also, in order to take those two days off would mean I would miss the tail end of month end close which could be a problem. One day might be doable, two would be difficult. If this weren’t such a long distance relationship this would be so much easier.

Damn. What a mess. Seems like the only thing I can do here is wait until late February or early March to see BJ. I hate that. Three more months with nothing but telephone and internet contact sucks. Then again, I know there are others who deal with these kinds of separations. They survive. If we have to we can too.

So there’s the quandary. Stop walking the tightrope with W, lay it on the line, risk utter chaos in his relationship with me and N in order to have a weekend with the man I love, but whom I’ve only known for a few months. OR Put off the man that I love, make him wait while I sort through things in my current relationship.

Hmm, things do seem to be becoming clearer. I always try (I do not always succeed mind you) to keep N as the main focus. What would be best for him given that his father and I will not be staying together in the long term? A happy Christmas with Mom and Dad before the chaos ensues. Maintaining the uneasy truce within the household until the holidays come to a close, and then proceeding forward as quickly as possible to get W out of the house and end the marriage. Taking the time to negotiate a reasonable custody and visitation arrangement and hopefully also working on both of us parenting better. Taking the time to let W become accustomed to the idea of staying close by rather than just disappearing to Mexico as he repeatedly threatens. Emphasizing the importance of him staying connected to N no matter how we feel about one another.

It’s killing me to be this practical about the whole thing. Damn, sometimes I just hate being a grownup.

Monday, December 04, 2006

It's Been One Long Week

The sex drought is about to be over. . . in a way.

After surgery last week, there was no sex allowed for one week. Actually, what they told me was that nothing should be put in my vagina so no sex, no tampons, no birth control sponges, or anything else. The reason for this was risk of infection. So for a week, I have left my brand new vibrator alone, my dildo has stayed in its place in the drawer, and BJ has seemingly made it his mission in life to make me as horny as possible at every chance. Add to this that I was likely ovulating last week.

It's all just basic math:
Sexual activity forbidden
+ Teasing by loved one
+ Highest libido phase of my cycle
= One very unsatisfied cranky me!

Tonight there will be satisfaction. It will have to come just from me alone, but that’s okay. Sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

If all goes well tonight, and if the final remnants of discharge resulting from the surgery will finally stop, then I may just have to call S and see if we can get together sometime this week. Of course, if I could just talk BJ into driving 400 miles to see me he could take care of me quite well. Yeah, if it weren’t for those 400 little reasons. . .

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Christmas Wishlist of the Deepest Darkest Type

On my other blog I put up a Christmas wishlist, but I left a few things off. Here I add the things to my wishlist that are more the type things I wouldn't share in a place that W visits:

  • The Sybian.
  • Divorce from W.
  • Sex Swing from Eden Fantasys.
  • Just about anything else from Eden Fantasys since I need to increase my collection of toys. I haven't ordered from them before, but recently got an email from them and checked out their site. I will be ordering from them in the future.
  • And for anything you can't find there, you can always shop Adam and Eve because they've got a huge selection of great stuff. I have ordered stuff there before as far back as the late 1980's, and I've always been pleased with their service.

So feel free to send me any or all of the above.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

What Tarot Card Am I?

You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Hmm, interesting. . .

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Tis the Season

I am, for the most part, a Christmas fanatic. I love Christmas. I love everything about Christmas from the music to the baking to the buying and wrapping of presents. Christmas is probably my favorite holiday.

This year I find that in spite of my angst over my current marital situation, I cannot prevent the Christmas spirit from overtaking me and making me a happy girl. I don’t think that W understands or appreciates my Christmas spirit this year so I’m trying to keep it low key at home. When he asked me what I wanted for Christmas I said I’d like a gift certificate for a massage or a manicure or a pedicure, things I rarely splurge on for myself. I then asked him what he wanted for Christmas, and he said, “To keep us together as a family” with those sad puppy dog eyes he gets that just break my heart. Okay, that dampened my Christmas spirit a bit, but it bounced back fairly quickly.

W took advantage of nice weather last weekend and got all the outdoor decorations put up. We haven’t done any indoor decorations yet. Maybe this weekend.

Things I love about Christmas:
• Christmas music
• Christmas movies and specials
• Baking cookies
• Building a gingerbread house with N
• Shopping, picking the perfect gift for each person on my list
• Wrapping presents
• Advent services at church
• Christmas Eve services at church
• Watching N open his presents
• Buying Christmas presents for residents of a local battered women’s shelter
• Giving money to the homeless beggars on the street, something I rarely do but during the Christmas season almost always do, just because
• People watching at the mall on Christmas Eve when all my shopping is already done
• Celebrating the real reason for the season, Jesus’ birth
• Decorating the Christmas tree and taking the time to appreciate the memories that come from Christmases past as special ornaments take their place hanging from the branches.

And all of this leads me to a new poll in the sidebar. What’s your take on Christmas? Love it, hate it, don’t celebrate it? Let me know just because I’m nosy.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Trying One More Time

Okay, let’s give this one more try. I don’t think that I asked my questions yesterday the way I should have. Let’s focus on the bigger picture than bashing on W. W is not the issue that I was trying to address in yesterday’s questions. I think we’ve well established that W is history. It’s just taking a while to make that physically true even though it is clearly spiritually true.

So focus with me if you will on the aspects that I would like to examine. W aside, other men also have reacted to me in similar ways. I am trying to determine if there is something I am doing to cause, or perhaps just encourage, these types of responses. What I was looking for in responses from men was something along the lines of:

“A woman would elicit that kind of response from me if she _____________________.”

I’m looking for that blank to be filled. I’m looking for what it is that I am doing wrong to elicit the kind of response that I’m getting. Or are you all trying to tell me that I’m just picking the wrong guys? If so, then fine. Just tell me that. But let’s pull the focus away from W because I will reiterate one last time, W IS NOT THE ONLY MAN FROM WHOM I HAVE ELICITED SUCH RESPONSES. It is an ongoing pattern for me throughout my entire life, and I want to fix ME, not the men, just ME. I'm trying to work on self-improvement here.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Men, Help Me Please

Today’s post is simply a question, actually a group of questions, for the men out there. Please, men, please leave comments because I really want to understand.

Why is it that when a woman asks for something she needs in a polite, gentle way a man will completely ignore it? Honey, I’m feeling nervous about my surgery. Could we talk about it? or I was hoping I wouldn’t have to make dinner since I just had surgery today. Would you do it?
Then when the woman asks again in a more forceful way why will the man put her off? I really need to talk to you about this. Can you make time for me now? or I really don’t feel up to deciding what to have for dinner, whatever you make or go get will be fine.
Then when the woman, out of frustration, finally breaks down and cries or screams she is accused of melodrama?

How else was she supposed to get your attention? What is it that she should have done differently? Or is she to understand that the demand was unreasonable from the outset, and if so why didn’t you just say so? Do you say okay just to delay the disagreement? Do you say you’ll do things hoping she’ll shut up and forget about it? What’s the deal? I really want to know. Pull no punches. Tell it to me straight. You’re anonymous here. I can’t go back to your wife and tell her what you say. I really want to try to understand the man’s mind on this.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Today's Horoscope

I'll try to get back to "regular-type" posts soon, but today since I'm recuperating from minor surgery and kind of in and out of wakefulness (I've napped 3 or 4 times now) I'm gonna take the easy way and blog off of my horoscope again.

Today's horoscope:
You may be considering which of your values aren't reflected in what you are doing, yet this is not cause for despair. [Oh yes. I've definitely been considering these things. So glad I should not despair of it. I really feel bad that several of my values like trust, loyalty, dependability, honesty, have gone out the window in the last few months.]
Quite likely, there are lessons here for you, but you must accept your vulnerability before you can learn what is most important. [Yes, quite likely there are lessons here for me. Accepting my vulnerability, hmm, since I so often feel so vulnerable I'm not quite sure about this one.]
Don't take the easy way out by withdrawing into silence. [But silence is where I go. That's how I cope. Oh wait, that's what I do because it's the easy way out. Oh yeah.]
Express yourself, even if you think it's going to hurt. [So come clean with W. Tell him to go. Tell him we aren't going to put this back together. Yes it is going to hurt. God yes. But to continue to drag this out is going to hurt too. Oh, this is so hard, so very very hard to hurt the man I've been with for 20 years. Never was it my intention to hurt this man. Never was it my intention to have things fall apart the way they have. But now we need to face it and deal with it and stop dancing around it and being "too nice" which is really not being nice at all but being false.]

Due to general anesthesia this morning, I'm considered incapable today of signing legal documents. So take with a grain of salt anything that I've said here today. I'm clearly incompetent and unable to form coherent thought. I'll come back and read this tomorrow and see if it makes any sense then.

And for anyone who cares, the surgery went really really well. I'm in very little pain, but am taking full advantage of my convalescence to get out of cooking dinner tonight. I won't go into the details of the surgery here. It, and the circumstances leading up to it, are amply covered in my other blog.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

I've Really Got to Stop Reading These

Today's horoscope:

Your legendary stubbornness [Who? Me? Stubborn?] can get the best of you today if you don't pay attention to the warning signs. [Okay, okay, so I see the warning signs. Yes I do. Very clearly. What of it?]

Be aware of how you get emotionally worked up while defending your position or arguing your point of view. [Again, who are we talking about here? Me? Just because this afternoon I've cried and been angry and pouted and just generally gotten emotionally worked up and the only person I've been arguing with or defending my position to is myself?]

Stop long enough to consider what is truly at stake. [What is at stake? What is at stake? EVERYTHING. That's what. My future. N's future. W's future. BJ's future. The future of poor unsuspecting men everywhere if I were to end up alone.]

Your conclusions can help you decide if you need to hold your current posture or if you can benefit by letting it go. [Grumble, grumble, grumble. Letting go? Letting go? Hell's bells, why on earth would I want to let it go? Where would all the drama go? How could I stay in my "poor me" attitude if I let go? Wait a minute. Is that my current posture? Poor me? Poor me?!? WTF am I thinking? Of course I need to let go of the whole "poor me" routine. Nobody is ever going to love me if all I am is a poor little girl in need of rescue! Oh fine, so I'll let it go. I won't like it, but I'll try to let it go.]

Don't ever let anyone tell you that blogging isn't therapeutic or that horoscopes are bunk. Even if they are so general they could apply to just about anyone they can lead to actual thought processes occurring just as you have witnessed here today.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Maybe He Knows Me Too Well

I have an old friend who is a singer/songwriter amongst other things. He recently put out a new CD and sent me a copy. When I heard this song I wondered if he was writing about me. There are a couple of other songs on the CD that hit home too, but that one just seemed to be my anthem.

If you like the song, or others he has at
Broadjam I hope you'll buy his CD or a song or two at least.

Also, if you are interested in learning more about his work, you can go to his website.

Evidence of a Warped Mind

My romance horoscope for this week:

You could feel like you've been put in charge of the zoo or a circus this weekend, Taurus. Responsibilities weigh on you in strange and unpredictable circumstances. Showing grace under this kind of pressure can earn you respect and, if you're lucky, some affection.

Holy crap. Just what I need more of a zoo or circus atmosphere. Of course, I do feel a bit like a juggler at times with all the men I've been dealing with. Occasionally I feel a little like a wild animal trainer when dealing with W. I often feel like I'm walking a tightrope. Okay, yes, I suppose I do feel a bit like I'm in charge of the zoo or circus.

Strange and unpredictable circumstances? WTF could that be? And if I close my eyes and pull the covers up over my head can I avoid them?

Well, grace ain't my strong suit so guess I'll get to pass on the respect and affection.

And just to give y'all something to really laugh at, here's how I fantasize this horoscope could play out in my life:

Saturday begins with frustration. W and N getting along about as well as always (so not well at all). I retreat to my bedroom, decide to pamper myself and take a nice long hot shower, washing and conditioning my hair, shaving my legs and underarms. I get dressed in casual but cute clothes. I go to the kitchen and with big swinging motions clean the junk off the counters that is left there in spite of my pleas with the other residents of the house not to leave clutter on the counters. I get out everything I need to bake Christmas cookies and N helps me make several dozen cookies.

We are covered with flour and W is dozing in the family room when the doorbell rings. I go to the door and look out to see BJ standing there. Well, this must be the strange and unpredictable circumstance, and it will certainly require a great deal of grace to get through this one. I step outside and close the door.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"I was worried about you, baby," BJ replies. "You mean more to me than anybody, and I can't stand for you to be hurting the way you are."

N opens the door and asks who BJ is. I reply that he is a friend who has stopped by to chat. W now appears at the door also. My only thought is to spare N from whatever is about to occur. My mind is a blank, can't think of what to do. So far grace is completely escaping me. Oddly enough, W suggests that we all go have a cup of coffee and talk over the situation. I say okay, but that I think N would be bored with all our grownup chat. I'll call my cousin and see if they can take N for the afternoon. I call, they can, and I ask W to take him over there. He refuses, saying that I should take him. Not wanting to leave W and BJ alone together, I suggest that while I take N to my cousin's that W go in and take care of a few things and BJ go ahead and leave and meet W and me at Starbucks in 45 minutes. Okay, the grace may be starting to kick in.

As I drive, N asks many questions about BJ and why he can't go with us to chat and on and on. I deflect his questions as best I can and finally arrive at my cousin's house. I give N a big hug, tell him to have a good time, thank my cousin for taking him on short notice, and head towards Starbucks.

On the drive to Starbucks, my mind races. What on earth will this discussion entail? My heart is pounding as I pull into the parking lot. I walk in and see that BJ is just getting his coffee. I approach the counter and order my usual -- a tall nonfat mocha, no whip. W walks in just as I'm paying for my mocha. So we're all here, but in a public place. That's good. BJ has sat down at a table in the corner, and I join him with my mocha. W soon follows. The three of us sit and look from one to another. Awkward silence hangs in the air in spite of the quiet music playing in the background. My heart is pounding so hard I think it will surely explode at any moment. Are the two men feeling the same way? I don't know but neither looks very comfortable. What seems to be several minutes passes without a word being spoken.

Finally, the silence is broken when W asks "Does someone want to explain what's going on here? Or can I guess pretty accurately?" Discussion ensues. I admit to being in love with BJ, and to wanting nothing more than to be out of our marriage so that I can be with BJ. W asks BJ what his intentions are. BJ tells him that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. W tears up, but says that he will be gone by the end of the day. I beg him to stay in the area to be there for N, that N needs him. He says he'll think about it, but can make no guarantees. W leaves to go get some of his things from the house. BJ and I sit and talk for a while and then go back to his motel room. After we make love, I leave. I must pick up N from my cousin's house. I must think of a way to tell N about the break up. I must start my journey into this new life.

Told you it would be good for a laugh. Still dreaming of fairy tales. . . .

Friday, November 24, 2006

It's Not Easy Being Me

It's not that easy being green;
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold...
or something much more colorful like that.

It's not easy being green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ord'nary things.
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're
not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
or stars in the sky.

But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain,
or tall like a tree.

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why?
Wonder, I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful!
And I think it's what I want to be.

I think of Kermit's song "It's Not Easy Being Green" and I identify with it. Not because I'm green you understand. I'm only green when I've eaten bad shellfish. No, I identify with it because of some of the characteristics that make me "different" so that it's not easy being me. My entire life I've felt different for one reason or another. But I also want to get to that place in the last verse where "'ll do fine, it's beautiful! And I think it's what I want to be."

One of those reasons, a big reason that I feel "different," is that I am bisexual, and what I would consider solidly bisexual. What I mean by that is that I am pretty equally attracted to men and to women. I believe that there are all shades of gray on the scale of straight to gay. I have known people who are 100% straight, can't imagine being with someone of the same sex. I have also known people who are 100% gay, can't imagine being with someone of the opposite sex. But then there are some of us, probably more than are willing to admit it, that can happily swing both ways to some degree.

As a bisexual I have never felt completely accepted by the straight world or the gay world. The straight world tends to look at bisexuals the same as gay and subject us all to the same prejudice. The gay world, in my experience, looks at bisexuals as gays who aren't willing to admit being gay or are trying to appear less gay or who hide behind their straight side to get along in the world. Admittedly, it is pretty easy for me to pass as straight given that I married a man rather than a woman. That isn't why I married a man though. I married for love. I just didn't come with a preconceived notion of which gender the person I fell in love with might be.

When did I first realize I was bisexual? About the time I hit puberty and not only had crushes on guys I knew, but also on my best friend who happened to be a girl. I had a huge crush on her, and if she had ever shown any inclination I would have made out with her in a flash. As it was, that never happened, but I happily spent the night with her and her with me many many times. Had she not been my very best friend I might have made a move on her, but the friendship was much more important to me so I couldn't risk it. God, I remember looking at her lips and wanting so badly to kiss them. Sigh. . . I also had crushes on guys though, and since that was "acceptable" I pursued them with much more vigor. But there it was. I knew that I could go both ways by the time I was around 12 or so. I probably didn't even know the term "bisexual" back then. I was pretty sheltered, not really learning anything much until my high school years when I used to sit for hours in the library reading every book about sex that I could find.

My high school years I mainly focused on guys, not girls. I was trying, like so many of my peers, to fit in and not appear odd. I often wondered though how many other girls in the locker room after PE were turned on seeing other girls in the showers. For the most part, though, the focus was guys. In college, I used to fantasize about other women but didn't have a clue how to find other bi women or lesbians. It wasn’t until W and I got together that I got my first chance to be with another woman.

W and I talked about swinging, bought some swingers magazines, answered a few ads, and finally started meeting other couples. The first couple we met was a couple who would swing together but were both married to other people. Ruby was the first woman I ever had any sexual contact with. She was not really into other women that much but was very much into sex and said she didn’t care if it was a man or woman she played with. So after W had his way with her, and José had eaten me to several orgasms, the boys sat back and watched while Ruby and I played with each other. We kissed each other deeply, and I was in heaven. I had always dreamed of kissing a woman. She sucked on my nipples and manually brought me to orgasm, and then I did the same for her. Ruby was incredibly sensitive to touch and orgasmed easily. I loved all that we did together, but I could tell she was pretty blasé about it. She was just in it for the big O and really didn’t care who gave it to her. I was really wishing for someone who was as anxious to have another woman as I was, but it was still good as far as it went. I was too shy to actually eat her pussy particularly since she wasn’t so into the whole girl/girl thing anyway.

During our swinging days, I did get a chance at a few more women although it seemed in most cases we would end up with couples where the man was anxious to have the two women do things together, but the woman was more hesitant. It seemed like we often did nothing more than touch each others’ breasts and maybe kiss a bit. It was vastly disappointing to me. There was one couple, however, who were pretty experienced swingers and she enjoyed playing with other women. We only got together once. I don’t remember now why it ended up as a one time only thing. I sure would have gotten together again and again. Hers was the only pussy I’ve ever tasted, and she is the only woman ever to have eaten my pussy. It was a huge turn on for me to do that with another woman. It fueled my desire to have more, but it wasn’t to be. W and I soon stopped swinging after that.

About four years ago, I went on AFF and also and put a profile on each specifically searching for another woman for some occasional discreet fun. Nothing ever came of it. I did get a couple of emails from one woman but could never pin down a time and place for meeting so I got frustrated and dropped it.

So here I am, a bisexual woman with very little outlet for expressing it. I have no desire to give up men. Yet I would love to have a female friend with benefits. Instead I have a couple of men, sort of, and no women. What I wouldn’t give to know if Sue who sits in a cubicle close by is bi and would be interested. Can’t take the risk though that she would gasp at the mere thought and think ill of me forevermore if I were to approach her. So I’ll probably never know. Sue has these really sensuous looking lips and curves in all the right places. I have some wicked thoughts about Sue.