Monday, December 31, 2007
Goodbye to changing jobs and moving to a new town (or more accurately returning to an old town).
Goodbye to a year of relationship turmoil, continued crumbling to the shaky foundation of my marriage.
Goodbye to regaining all that weight I lost before.
Goodbye to dependence on others to make my decisions.
My final goodbye to Dan Fogelberg:
Tomorrow: my hellos for the new year (although I probably won't get it posted until I get back from Pasadena)
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Your Score: Shy Loving Soul
You scored -6 Extroversion, 12 Sensitivity, and -5 Openness!
You are a sensitive and shy person. You want to be loved and liked, but you don't think people actually like you very much, and that hurts to think about. You like to be with your family and friends, who care about you. When you are with them, you can open up and talk and be yourself. Among strangers, however, you are nervous and tend to clam up. People are often surprised at how talkative you can be once they get to know you, because you appear to be so quiet and bland at first. You hide your feelings from people whom you do not know well, because you don't know if you can trust them. With your loved ones you can be more yourself.
Your feelings are easily hurt, and you tend to be easily embarassed. You are sensitive, and your loved ones may even tease you about being a little TOO sensitive at times. When your feelings are hurt, you don't always let on. You don't like confrontations, and you are not the sort of person to throw a melodramatic hissy fit. You just tend to fret over it for a few days, until eventually the misunderstanding is cleared up, or time heals the wound.
Your daemon would represent your shyness and sensitivity, and your love of family, and your tendency to hide your feelings from strangers. He or She would probably hide in your pocket or sit on your shoulder where he/she would whisper comfort into your ear.
Suggested forms: Rabbit, Dormouse, Dik-dik, Sighthound
|Link: The Golden Compass Daemon Test written by wolfcaroling on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test|
View My Profile(wolfcaroling)
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Since obviously nobody else takes into account my feelings when saying and doing things (N had quite the snit this morning) I'm just thinking I should start making decisions without taking into account how it might impact others. I think I should just do what I want to do and to hell with what others think or how it might impact others. Enough worrying that I might hurt someone or drive them away. From now on, to hell with all of them. I'll just do things my way. So there!
So here’s the deal. There is something that I really want to do, and I was thinking of that thing when I wrote the above passage. I’ve thought about it, researched it, and then kind of tested the waters with a couple of people close to me to see how they felt about it. Neither person was terribly enthusiastic when I brought it up. Both hedged but left me with the impression that they would not be happy if I do this thing. As usual I backed away from probing further after getting the initial negative reaction.
Just for the record, what I am considering doing is not illegal. It is nothing highly unusual. It might be considered somewhat controversial. It is something that will limit certain bad habits of mine and hopefully set me onto a better path about certain things.
I think I’m going to do it, but I don’t know for sure yet. What I absolutely do want to do though is make this decision for myself and applying the “to hell with all of them” theory. Therefore I’m not sharing with anybody else what it is unless and until I do it. I just want to make up my own mind and make my own choice. So there. [feeling an overwhelming urge to stick out my tongue and say “Nyah, nyah, nyah.”]
Why is it so bleepity bleep bleep hard to just make my own decisions and not feel like I have to take a poll of everyone I know until I can get a consensus on what should be done? No more!
First resolution for the upcoming year: Practice making my own decisions without requiring everyone around me to be happy with those decisions. Be okay with people being pissed off that I no longer defer to their every opinion. Break free of the burdens placed upon me by my own self-imposed “rules.” I do NOT have to make everyone else happy, nor do I have to feel guilty when others around me are not happy. I DO have to strive to bring happiness to myself. Lord, give me strength to follow through on this resolution.
Friday, December 28, 2007
That isn't, however, the only frustration I have at Christmas each year. My second frustration are the non-believers, and by non-believers I mean those who choose to believe that Santa Claus is not real. I find those people to be frustrating beyond what I can tolerate.
I point you to the following that I gleaned from the Newseum website. It is quite famous, and I'm sure you've heard/read it before. If you are a non-believer I encourage you to read it again.
Eight-year-old Virginia O'Hanlon wrote a letter to the editor of New York's Sun, and the quick response was printed as an unsigned editorial Sept. 21, 1897. The work of veteran newsman Francis Pharcellus Church has since become history's most reprinted newspaper editorial, appearing in part or whole in dozens of languages in books, movies, and other editorials, and on posters and stamps.
"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
"Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
"Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.'
"Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?
"115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."
VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
My own personal note to the non-believers:
C'mon! Lighten up! If you aren't careful you'll be visited by three spirits next Christmas Eve to get you to give up your bah humbug scroogelike views. How hard is it to believe in a spirit of giving and in just a bit of Christmas magic?
[steps off soapbox, adjusts santa hat, and walks away trailing bits of tinsel]
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Not a lot. Rested up after Christmas.
What memory do you miss the most?
This seems like an odd question. Taken as literally as I can, I miss remembering the names of people from my past because I can't even Google them or look them up on Classmates.com when I can't remember their names.
What memory do you want to forget?
The memories of all the many embarrassing things I've done in my life. One example is the Christmas concert when I was in seventh grade when I completely forgot a big part of my solo I was playing on the oboe. I hated that and felt so humiliated. Still do for that matter even though chances are most people who attended that concert wouldn't even remember that it happened.
Name something you regretted after it was done?
I regret that I made such an ass of myself when I threw myself at J when he came back into my life a couple years ago.
What was the last song you heard?
The Today Show's opening theme.
What was the last CD you bought?
It was actually a three CD set called Celtic Christmas that I bought at Costco right after Thanksgiving because I had forgotten my Christmas CDs when we went to my parents' house, and I absolutely had to be able to listen to Christmas music on the way home.
What was the last time you cried?
One day last week when I was having a really sucky day.
What was the last movie you saw in a theater?
Oh boy, I have to think about that. It was at the theater megaplex at the north end of town. Oh and we took one of N's friends with us. Oh yes, now I remember. It was the 3D version of Tim Burton's "Nightmare Before Christmas."
What was the last thing you ate?
A piece of Ghiradelli chocolate last night.
Who was the last person you called?
Let's see. Given my phone phobia I don't make lots of calls. Hmm, thinking back through the last week, oh yes, now I remember. It was Sunday. I called BJ so we could have phone sex.
What color nail polish do you wear?
Generally none, but on the rare occasion when I do it is generally kind of a light mocha color.
Have you ever made a model volcano?
Nope, and may I add that I hope never to have that particular experience.
When was the last time you showered?
An hour ago.
Who was the last person who complimented you?
Either BJ or my boss. They are pretty much the only ones who ever do.
What are you listening to?
The Today Show
What are you wearing?
Jeans and a pink sweater
What are you thinking?
As little as possible.
What are you scared of most?
N growing up to hate me for not raising him well.
How many people are on your buddy list?
About a dozen.
What is your occupation?
What was your marriage site?
The cheesiest chapel ever in Reno, NV.
Where was your honeymoon?
Didn't have one.
What is your favorite place to live?
I loved southern California. If it weren't so expensive it would be great to live there. I also really like Phoenix, but I've never been there in the summer so I might not enjoy living there all year.
Do you want/have kids?
Yep, I have N. He's the best kid a mom could have.
What kind of car do you drive?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Working, then attending a basketball game.
Will there be a WW III?
I hate to think that there would be, but I imagine that someday there will be.
Will politics ever be truthful?
Sure, when pigs fly through a frozen over hell.
Will humanity snuff itself out?
I think there is a good chance.
Can the government be changed?
Yes, but not easily.
Do you believe in the devil?
Do you believe in God?
Do you believe in aliens?
I try to keep an open mind.
Do you believe in ghosts?
I try to keep an open mind.
Do you believe in the spirit/soul?
Do you believe in soulmates?
No, I think there are many people with whom you can be compatible. I don't think there is just one person that is your forever soulmate.
Do you believe in reincarnation?No.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I used to but I don't anymore. I think at first sight you can be incredibly attracted to someone, but only after getting to know them can you really determine whether or not you love them.
Do you believe in karma?
Yes, in the sense that what goes around comes around even though it sometimes takes longer than I'd like for it to come around.
Who and when was your first crush?
A boy (can't remember his name) in first grade. He was absolutely dreamy as only a blond haired six-year-old boy can be.
Do you have a crush now?
I almost always have a crush on someone.
Do you have a celebrity crush?
Yes, a few. I really crush on Johnny Depp, George Clooney, and Paula Poundstone. Do I recognize that is quite the eclectic group? Definitely.
Who do you want to be with right now?
Whose number do you want?
Can't think of anyone.
What is something you don’t understand about the opposite sex?
Why they don't smile and laugh and enjoy life.
If you could go on a date with anybody, who would it be?
On scale of one to ten, how romantic are you?
Not very, maybe three.
First thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Eyes and hands.
What do you look for personality-wise?
Warmth, understanding, openness.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
moar funny pictures
To be fair I must say that W and I had decided not to get gifts for each other and count the Rose Bowl trip as our Christmas present. However, W also had indicated on a couple of different occasions that he wasn't entirely sticking to that agreement. Given those facts, I went out and helped N pick a present for W, not terribly expensive but useful. I also spent less than $20 on a small gift for W from Santa plus a few stocking stuffers (candy that I would have bought anyway). So while N and W opened presents yesterday I watched and enjoyed their reactions to their gifts. I didn't have a good answer for N when he asked why my stocking was empty, but I smiled and just laughed it off. I guess when W asked for suggestions for stocking stuffers for me last weekend it was more an academic question. I did get a Rose Bowl sweatshirt, part of a group gift W had bought for the three of us, sweatshirts for each of us.
Yes, it is better to give than receive. Yes, I am very grateful for the Rose Bowl trip. I never let on in front of either of them that I was just a little hurt. This is the only place and time I will whine about it at all. I just wish W hadn't made it sound like he was not going to honor the agreement. If he hadn't, I would have only gotten the stocking stuffers for him and let the rest go. As it was, I felt a little deceived, and once again realized that because we don't engage in clear communication we open ourselves to misunderstandings.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Among life’s many questions for which I don’t have answers, the following conundrum is on my mind lately. It has to do with sex within marriage. I suppose the question that all of my thinking boils down to this rather general question: When the two partners are far apart in what they want from their sex life what is a reasonable expectation for each partner?
From this general question I then branch out into several different specific scenarios for it seems, at least on the surface, that different circumstances could produce different answers to this question. Then again, I wonder just how true that assumption may be. Well, let’s look at some scenarios and see. Also, for the time being, let’s assume the problems/discrepancies are sexual only, that they are occurring in a genuinely loving and caring relationship. I think that the answers change if the loving and caring is lacking in the relationship, but I’ll address that later maybe, but not in this post.
Scenario #1: One partner is temporarily physically unable to engage in sex.
For me personally, this is a pretty easy one to deal with. If the situation is temporary and the end to the situation can be reasonably expected then one should be willing to sacrifice their sex life for that temporary period, turning to self pleasure if need be. I certainly understood after W was diagnosed with colon cancer and underwent surgery and treatments for it that there would be an amount of time when sex would not be part of our lives. I even told him that as far as sex was concerned I would not approach him but would wait for him to approach me so that we could wait until he was ready. I would imagine a similar circumstance after a woman has given birth. There would be a few weeks where sex would be off limits, and if I were a man, I would allow the wife to initiate the resumption of sexual relations.
Scenario #2: One partner is permanently physically unable to engage in sex.
I imagine this to be the result of some accident or disease, after the couple is already together, rendering one partner incapable of physically engaging in sex. This is a case where it was not the intention of either party for the marriage to become sexless but has happened due to circumstances outside their control. This is a tough one for me. Looking at it from the side of the person who is still capable and desirous of sex, I would have an extremely difficult time giving it up. From the side of the incapacitated person, I would want to do as much as possible to physically pleasure my partner. However, I do believe I would also give my partner my permission to seek sexual pleasure from others. I don’t think I could feel good about myself if I were to force someone else to have to give up something as essential as sex.
Scenario #3: One partner wishes to engage in certain specific activities just between the two of them that the other partner refuses to do.
I’m thinking here of the partner squeamish about engaging in oral sex as an example though you could substitute whatever you wanted in place of my example. I have a hard time getting my mind around this one. On the one hand, nobody should do something that feels wrong or bad in any way to them no matter what someone else wants. On the other hand, to completely cut the other partner off from an activity that they consider to be quite pleasurable doesn’t quite seem right either. I guess one could argue that if it’s that important to you then you shouldn’t marry someone who isn’t on the same page, but what if you don’t find out until after the marriage is undertaken? I don’t know. This one is difficult for me because although I can live with less oral sex than I’d like (and goodness knows I will always have to do that no matter who my partner is), I truly don’t think I could give it up altogether. As a matter of fact, that’s the one thing that could have kept me satisfied with W if he’d been willing. A good oral session once or twice a month would have been enough to keep me happy enough to put forth a lot more effort at resolving our other issues.
Scenario #4: One partner wishes to engage in activities including other parties when the other partner wishes for the sex relationship to remain exclusive.
In this case, I really think that the two people are not of the same mind and probably ought not be together unless the desire to bring others into the mix is something that the partner wanting it can set aside without feeling like they’ve made too big a sacrifice to the relationship. As for me, I can go either way. I would be happy to remain in a truly monogamous relationship if that is what my partner desired and if that partner was willing to provide some intimacy within our monogamous relationship. Remaining in a celibate relationship would be virtually impossible for me. I would also be happy to include others in our sex life on an occasional basis as long as we both agreed that our relationship was the core relationship.
Scenario #5: Both partners are interested and able to engage in sex, but one partner wishes to engage in sexual activities on a much more or less frequent schedule than the other partner.
In this case, I’m all about compromise. I would try to meet somewhere in the middle where one partner is having sex a bit less than desired and the other is having sex a bit more than desired. While this may not be a perfect solution at least it means that the sacrifice is not one-sided. As long as both partners are taking one another’s feelings into account and working towards a middle ground it seems like this could work. If however one partner (and it generally seems to be the one wanting more frequent sex) is making all the sacrifices then it wouldn’t be unexpected that this relationship would crumble under the weight of resulting resentment.
Now my views may be tainted by the fact that I tend to have a voracious sexual appetite, a willingness to explore, and a pretty open-minded attitude. Perhaps I’m way off base here. Oh well, I’m sure this post will garner at least a few comments from people with opinions divergent from my own. Let the discussion begin!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
You could be a bit confused by the conflicting paths in front of you as your key planet Venus runs into nebulous Neptune. Even while soothing the stress of uncertainty, you are still tempted to run amok by seeking the greener grass in a distant pasture. Be careful; you are more vulnerable to misinterpretation or misrepresentation than usual.
Okay, going back to bed now and pulling the covers up over my head. Maybe I'll come out tomorrow. Maybe not.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Learning about the untimely death of the neighbors' dog was just one in a day full of crap.
It started with a conversation with an attorney firm regarding the upcoming divorce. The conversation didn't go as I would have liked.
Later in the afternoon, after learning of the dog's death, a conversation with BJ went somewhat awry although truth be told I'm not sure just how justified I am in feeling as I do about the situation.
In the course of the day, N informed me that he wishes he had a better and younger mom than me. That always warms my heart.
Attended the Illini basketball game only to watch them lose in overtime. I hate that they came back to tie it up in regulation only to lose in OT.
Yeah, I know. Most of these things are little things, no big deal. Every kid tells his mom that she's a rotten mom sometimes. Basketball teams lose games and life goes on. However, yesterday felt like one thing after another making me feel a bit like "Why even try?"
Sure hope today goes a little better.
I'm finding that today I'm feeling rebellious. At least to me it feels rebellious. Since obviously nobody else takes into account my feelings when saying and doing things (N had quite the snit this morning) I'm just thinking I should start making decisions without taking into account how it might impact others. I think I should just do what I want to do and to hell with what others think or how it might impact others. Enough worrying that I might hurt someone or drive them away. From now on, to hell with all of them. I'll just do things my way. So there! [Turns, flips hair, and flounces away in a huff.]
Thursday, December 20, 2007
This is terrifying to me. We have a beautiful dog. He is sweet and gentle and rarely ever barks. He and N are great buddies. I would hate for him to be poisoned by someone. We've closed up the dog door and will accompany him anytime he goes outside for now. We just can't take chances with a close family member.
I can't even imagine what kind of person does something like this. The neighbor said that when he called the police about it they said there has been something of an outbreak of dog poisoning incidents lately in our town. I hope they catch whoever is doing it. You sure wouldn't want me to be the one to catch them. I'm afraid they wouldn't live to tell you about it.
'I shall not pass this way again...' - Editorials
I remember reading it when I was a student at the University. Not too many nights after I read it, I had one of my recurring dreams about it being almost time for finals but I had forgotten to attend this one particular class so was completely unprepared for the exam. Sometimes I wonder what it would take to ever get that dream to go away. I've had it off and on ever since I graduated. I never had it until after I was already out of school. Again, this post is just me rambling away with no reason as I'm still working on my meatier more thoughtful post.
And remember, only five more days until Christmas.
And one last thing, another tribute to Dan Fogelberg. This one is running through my head today:
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
In the meantime, my regular whininess continues:
(1) Christmas is only 6 days away and I am woefully unprepared.
(2) W has a cold, N is coming down with one, and I'm hoping to avoid it.
(3) The snow is still here, but is turning into that ugly brownish gray slush that I hate with more passion than any weather phenomenon deserves.
(4) Because church was cancelled last Sunday due to the bad weather nobody has gotten to see my invitation to Christmas dinner so I'm bummed that Christmas Day is likely to be just W and N and me. Blech.
(5) I have not been intimate with anyone for 45 days. Grumpy does not begin to describe how this makes me feel.
But enough about me. How's your day going?
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
A few years ago when the church we attended did the whole portrait thing for the church directory. I think N was 5 or 6 at the time. It's about time again, but I'd rather wait until the divorce and have just N and me in it this time.
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
No! Absolutely not! I love musicals! I love performing in musicals! Now I just need to find me a community theater group with which to become involved. Definitely not cheesy. No, no, no.
53. Is Christmas stressful?
Not particularly, especially since I don't usually do it as an extended family thing. To me, Christmas is fun, and when I find aspects of it that aren't fun for me I eliminate those from the mix. Therefore, not a lot of decorating takes place at my house, but baking is ramped up exorbitantly during the holidays. That way I'm focusing on things I personally enjoy and don't get all bogged down because I don't feel "obligated" to those parts that aren't meaningful to me.
54. Ever eat a pirogi?
55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
It's a tossup. Either apple, cherry, or pumpkin if you count pumpkin as a fruit (or is it a vegetable?)
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were younger?
At various times during childhood, I had dreams of being a hairdresser, a psychologist, a lawyer, even president of the United States. Strangely enough, as a kid I never said, "Gee, I'd love to grow up to be an accountant."
57. Do you believe in ghosts?
I'm not clear cut on this one. I used to very firmly believe in them, but now I'm not so sure.
58. Ever have a deja-vu feeling?
59. Take a vitamin daily?
60. Wear slippers?
61. Wear a bath robe?
62. What do you wear to bed?
Nothing if I'm warm enough. Snuggly soft warm nightgown or nightshirt and socks if I'm cold.
63. First concert?
Well, I played in many in school, but if you mean to have attended it would be sometime in grade school when I attended a performance of Peter and the Wolf with my class.
64. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
Target. Now, you didn't ask why, but that's never stopped me from sharing before, and it won't stop me now. There isn't a K-Mart nearby, and even when I lived near one it was dirty, had narrow aisles, and was in a skanky neighborhood, so K-Mart isn't even in the running. With Wal-Mart, I just have this uneasy feeling about lining the Walton family's pockets while the workers on the floor are treated as poorly as they are by the corporation.
65. Nike or Adidas?
Sorry, neither one. Converse All Star Hi Tops. I am old school. I already told you that. I gots no need of them there fancy shoes. Nope, gimme a pair of classic Chuck Taylor's and I'm good to go.
66. Cheetos Or Fritos?
Fritos. I loves me some Fritos with cottage cheese, and no orange residue on the fingers afterwords.
67. Peanuts or sunflower seeds?
Peanuts if a snack by themselves, sunflower seeds in or on something as in trail mix or oatmeal or a salad.
68. Ever hear of, "gorp"?
Well, of course. See reference to "trail mix" in answer to 67.
69. Ever take dance lessons?
Twice, took a square dance class in college and took ballroom dance classes with W when we were first together. Unfortunately, neither helped. I'm still hopelessly inept on the dance floor yet enthusiastic to be there.
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
Whatever makes him happy.
71. Can you curl your tongue?
72. Ever won a spelling bee?
Nope. Not my thing. I'm a numbers person, not a speller. That's why they invented spellcheck.
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
Hell yes. I cry at everything whether it's happy, sad, touching, whatever.
74. Own any record albums?
Many. Too many probably.
75. Own a record player?
Yes, two as a matter of fact, but one doesn't work very well.
76. Regularly burn incense?
Can't stand it. Hate it. Please don't burn incense in my presence. Thank you.
77. What's the worst part about camping?
Sleeping on the hard ground if you don't have an air mattress. Other than that it is all good.
78. Who would you like to see in concert?
Bowling for Soup.
79. What was the last concert you saw?
Umm. . . been so long I don't remember.
80. Hot tea or cold tea?
Depends on the weather. Hot tea in cold weather and cold tea in hot weather.
81. Tea or coffee?
Coffee. Black. Strong. Now.
82. Sugar cookies or snickerdoodles?
Yes. Oh well, if I have to pick it would be sugar cookies I guess, but really why not have one of each?
83. Can you swim well?
Not well as in actually swimming the way you're "supposed" to swim, but very well if the only point is to stay afloat.
84. Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose?
Umm, yeah. I didn't know there was anybody that couldn't.
85. Are you patient?
I must be to stay in this marriage this long. Seriously though, most of the time I am patient. The times my patience wears thin are when I don't feel well, or when I feel like I'm backed into a corner.
86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
Don't know. I'll think about that in the future when I'm actually in the planning stage.
87. Ever won a contest?
Yes, I won a certificate for a free sandwich in a radio contest once. I also won tickets to a college volleyball game once. Other than that, I'm pretty much a loser.
88. Ever have plastic surgery?
Nope, and probably never will.
89. "Missing question HERE, so I'll say my favorite drink is pineapple juice and Malibu rum."
Well now, if I put in my favorite drink I guess it would have to be Jack & Coke overall, although Starbucks Peppermint Mocha is probably my fave right now.
90. Can you knit or crochet?
Yes, sort of, to both. I have done a little knitting and crocheting but not a whole lot. If I were going to try to actually make something I would need a refresher course for sure.
91. Best room for a fireplace?
Living room, or better yet in between the living and dining rooms, one of those that opens to both sides.
92. Weirdest place that you have had sex?
Passenger seat of a Toyota pickup truck.
93. If married, how long have you been married?
19 years, 5 months.
94. Who is/was your HS crush?
Well, if you've read the blog long enough you know it's J.
95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
I believe my fifth amendment rights protect me from self incrimination so I will, on the advice of my attorney, decline to answer.
96. Do you have kids?
97. Do you want kids?
Well, I wanted one badly enough to go through the adoption process so gee, I don't know. I guess that would be a yes, wouldn't it?
98. What is your favorite color?
99. Do you miss anyone right now?
100. Who do you wanna see right now?
Monday, December 17, 2007
With that in mind, along with the knowledge that it has taken the Illini 24 years to make it back to the Rose Bowl since the last time, I decided that I should throw caution to the wind and use those tickets. It may be the only time I have the chance. Fortune smiled on me this past week, too, as my parents sent W and me their standard Christmas present, a "universal gift certificate" (aka a check). It is in an amount that will cover a good portion of the expense of the Rose Bowl trip for the three of us. Yes, I said three of us. W and N and I. I figure this will be our last trip together. I just didn't have the balls to tell W that I was going to go without him. He wants to go so badly too, and so I thought, what the hell. Let's all go, and try to get along the best we can. Besides, I found a relatively inexpensive package deal for us that includes flight, hotel and rental car, for about what I estimated the price would be for N and me, just the two of us. We won't make it to the parade, and we'll have to drive ourselves to the game instead of being bussed out there. Still, I think it is a good and realistic compromise.
Now, this doesn't necessarily mean that I won't tell W about splitting up prior to the trip. I very well may do so. Or not. Haven't made that decision yet. If I do tell him prior to the trip then I will tell him that I intend for this to be the last trip the three of us take as a family.
What I realized was that I was really choosing not to go to the Rose Bowl because I didn't want to go with W because I felt like that was trapping me into waiting until after we returned from there to initiate the split. However, there is always going to be something that I will feel must be postponed or that will get in the way of me being able to separate or whatever. I've got to stop putting life on hold for that, and just do what I want to do. I really, really want to go to the Rose Bowl, and I'm going to go. Once I tell W that we're separating he may choose not to go, and that will be fine. That is up to him to decide if he can handle taking the trip or not.
Life may get ugly for a while. Oh well. Nobody ever said it would all be a bed of roses.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
You want more information on him, visit his official website.
I close this post with the lyrics of one of his songs, not his best known, but it speaks to me right now.
Along The Road
Joy at the start
Fear in the journey
Joy in the coming home
A part of the heart gets lost in the learning
Somewhere along the road
Along the road your path may wander
A pilgrim's faith may fail
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Darkness obscures the trail
Cursing the quest
Measureless nights forbode
Moments of rest
Glimpses of laughter
Are treasured along the road
Along the road your steps may stumble
Your thoughts may start to stray
But through it all a heart held humble
Levels and lights your way
Joy at the start
Fear in the journey
Joy in the coming home
A part of the heart gets lost in the learning
Somewhere along the road
Somewhere along the road
Somewhere along the road
On with the meme.
1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
There are four closets in my bedroom. The doors stay closed on three of them pretty much all the time. The fourth one is a walkthrough closet from the bedroom to the bathroom. Those doors stay open so I can stumble through to the bathroom in the middle of the night without really opening my eyes.
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
I used to, but finally came to the realization that I wasn't using them so it was a waste so the simple answer is No.
3. Have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room?
Well duh. Isn't that what hotel rooms are there for?
4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
Oh yeah, I'm a big fan of the little yellow sticky.
6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
Oh, I am a classic coupon cutter only to tuck them out of the way and never use them.
7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
None of the above. However, if I HAD to choose between the two I'd go for the swarm of bees only because I think I stand a better chance of being able to get away from the bees than the bear.
8. Do you have freckles?
No, not even one.
9. Do you always smile for pictures?
Yes, I love to smile for the camera.
10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who act like everything is all about them.
11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
Rarely, but occasionally.
13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
Well, sure, I was in the woods and had to pee so what else would I do?
14. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?
15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
I used to when I was a kid, but it's been so long I can't remember the last time I did.
16. How many people have you slept with this week?
17. What size is your bed?
18. What is your "Song of the week"?
Any Christmas song.
19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Absolutely! Well, as long as it is confined to shirts and ties, maybe socks. I'm not so much a fan of the pink suit for men.
20. Do you still watch cartoons?
Mostly with N, not so much when left to my own devices.
21. What's your least favorite movie?
Oh gosh, least favorite. Hmm, probably just about anything in the horror genre.
22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
Safe deposit box at the bank. Ha, ha, I'm so boring.
23. What do you drink with dinner?
I generally don't drink with meals, but before or after I will have water or coffee or iced tea. If I'm eating out I'll generally order diet pop or coffee.
25. What is your favorite food/cuisine?
Italian -- pizza, pasta, it's all good as long as there's a starchy base, tomatoey sauce seasoned with garlic, oregano and basil, and a bit of cheese on top.
26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Wow, this is a tough one only from the perspective that my list would be a mile long. There are many movies that I love to watch over and over. Too many to name. Don't even know where to start. . .
27. Last person you kissed/kissed you?
N let me kiss him last night and gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek. I used to get lots of N kisses, but now that he's nine he's much too grown up for that most of the time.
28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
I loved Girl Scouts. I started as a Brownie in second grade and continued all the way through Juniors to Cadets attending meetings faithfully through seventh grade. Then we moved and it wasn't such a big deal there so I never got involved there.
29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
Well, I have had my nude picture in a swingers magazine back when I was twenty-something. Neck down though, no face shots.
30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
Hmm, a letter on paper. Hmm. . . Can't remember. Maybe my resignation letter last January.
31. Can you change the oil on a car?
Wouldn't have a clue. Don't even know the first step though I suspect it might be to raise the hood.
32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Nope, not even one. I live by the rule told to me by someone who worked in the police department, "Nine you're fine. Ten you're mine."
33. Ran out of gas?
Nope, never. I'm kind of paranoid about it and generally don't let it get low enough for the "Low Fuel" light to come on.
34. Favorite kind of sandwich?
Whole grain bread, brown mustard, avocado, lettuce, tomato, red onion, swiss or provolone cheese.
35. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
Crunchy granola bar, lowfat cherry yogurt, banana and black coffee.
36. What is your usual bedtime?
11:30 p.m. or so, but I'm getting too old to stay up that late and get up at 6:00 so I'm starting to ease it back to 10:30 or so.
37. Are you lazy?
Only on days of the week that end in -y.
38. When you were younger, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
The first costume I remember was as a ghost, made from an old pillowcase with eyeholes cut out. I also remember going as Gilligan one year. Other than that I don't really remember.
39. What is your Chinese astrological sign?
I was born in the year of the Ox.
40. How many languages can you speak?
English relatively well. Twenty-five years after three years of high school Spanish, I have forgotten virtually everything I know.
41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Too many. My favorites are Utne Reader, Cooking Light and Readers' Digest.
42. Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
I'm old school. I love the lincoln logs.
43. Are you stubborn?
Who me? Stubborn? Yeah, that's a typical Taurus trait, and I'm a typical Taurus.
44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
Letterman without question.
45. Ever watch soap operas?
Been hooked on All My Children since the mid-70's. When I was in high school, I used to go home at lunch and watch it. In college, I scheduled classes around it. Gave it up for a while when I first started working only to return to it when I got my first VCR. Now I Tivo it every day. I have also dabbled in watching One Life to Live and General Hospital but never got into them the way I have with AMC.
46. Afraid of heights?
Not terribly, but I'm not a huge fan of them either.
47. Sing in the car?
48. Dance in the shower?
Now there's a scary, scary thought.
49. Dance in the car?
Well let's see, I do the drumming thing on the steering wheel and a lot of head bobbing if that's what you mean.
50. Ever used a gun?
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
The song is by Captain Rat and the Blind Rivets, a band based in Central IL made up of Illinois alums. The song was originally written when the Illini went to the Rose Bowl in 1984 and has made quite the resurgence this year as we prepare to head to Pasadena for the first time in 24 years.
Funny thing though, still nothing has actually been accomplished. So I say to myself, “Self” I say “we should have more than just an action plan. We should have dates by which we intend to accomplish these actions.” Well, that can take a mighty long time, establishing deadlines for these actions, particularly when some will require further research to know what an appropriate deadline might be.
Still with nothing accomplished, I add two new tasks at the top of the list: (1) Determine research needed to establish timeline for action plan and (2) Complete needed research. “Self” I say “how will we know what research we need to complete to establish this timeline?” Well, that leads to a new column on the action plan so that each task now has not only columns for a description of the task and a deadline but also a column for research needed to set the deadline.
And I’m still not one whit closer to having accomplished anything.
I need to think less and act more.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I just want to go crawl in a hole and hibernate for a good long time. Maybe when I come out everything will be okay. No, they’d just get worse.
How much worse does this have to get before I do what I have to do? Why do protecting the feelings of a man I don’t even love anymore count more than protecting my son? When will I say enough is enough? Dear God, please give me strength.
I know what the problem is. Long ago, I drew a line in the sand. I drew it at physical abuse. I wouldn’t allow anyone to physically abuse me or N. However, the verbal and psychological abuse I just never considered. I grew up being bullied, being told by my parents to believe that “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” So I toughed it out, and now I’m still toughing it out. The worst part is that N is being made to tough it out too. He shouldn’t have to do that. Home should be a safe haven, a place where you don’t have to worry about name calling and bullying.
How much longer before the dam breaks? How much longer?
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
For those that would suggest that I get help, I wonder just what kind of help I am to get. I have tried navigating the mental health system, and it is not there to help people like me. I am not severely depressed, or psychotic, or a threat to myself or others, so I am, from all indications, not worthy of its resources other than for a prescription for Prozac and a limited number of visits to a counselor.
Besides, I know what is causing my depression. I know what it will take to make things better. Until I leave W, I will continue to be depressed. Until I find the courage to tell him, once and for all, that it really is over, that this time he can’t just wait it out and get me to back down and allow him to stay, I will continue to have these really low places. I hit the lowest of lows when I face myself with the facts that (1) I want nothing more in life than to be free from W and this marriage, (2) I feel bad that by following through with the first thing I will hurt W terribly, and (3) I am still afraid I won’t cope well without W around to handle certain practical matters.
There is, honestly, nothing new under the sun.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Absence of Light
Cannot think clearly
Stay in bed
Pull up the covers
Go away world
Leave me be
Let me cry
Let me sleep
Let me die a little more inside
Don’t push me
Don’t pull me
Don’t, just don’t
Wait! Come back
Help me please
Nothing will help
Where is it?
Where did you hide the joy?
Why is it gone?
Leave me alone
Give up on me like others have
No, better to go
Leave me wallowing
Don’t reward me for it
By trying to soothe me
Give it up
I’m not worth it
Give up on me as I have
Monday, December 10, 2007
So I'm invested so far to the tune of $540.
Now, what to do with them.
Sell some of them to finance the travel portion of the trip?
Give them away and be done with it?
Trade a couple of them to some wealthy person for a ride on his/her private jet out to the game and back?
Some of these options seem more plausible than others.
Now, how am I supposed to concentrate on work today? Huh?
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Friday, December 07, 2007
On the Christmas front, I have already put out an invitation on the bi group's message board. No takers yet, but I anticipate there won't be too many, and particularly not until closer to Christmas maybe as other plans fall through or something. It's too late to get a notice in this week's bulletin at church, but I'm going to get one in for next week's. I am feeling very good about this little undertaking. Of course, it does mean I'm going to have to get the house tidied up by then. Yikes!
One last thing -- moving from CA back to the Midwest is not looking like a great move only from the standpoint of all the SNOW we are dealing with here. It's not even Christmas yet! Go away snow! Go away now! I was spoiled the first few winters back with mild winter weather particularly early in the season. This year, we had our first snow the first week of December. Arrgh. . . And yes, I know, it could be worse. I could live in Canada or upstate NY or Alaska or Iceland or Siberia. The thing is, I know it could be better. I lived it for 18 years. Eighteen years and only a dusting of snow a handful of times in all those years. Now that was the right amount of snow. Yes, I know this is incredibly whiney, but it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to. I'll get over it.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial now. When we lived in CA we used to go out and cut our own every year. It's too cold here for me to want to do that. Besides the artificial one doesn't shed needles like the real thing.
3. When do you put up the tree? I used to faithfully do it the weekend after Thanksgiving. Now I've gotten lazy. This year I don't have it up yet, but hopefully by this weekend.
4. When do you take the tree down? Sometime in January, usually New Year's Day unless we're hosting a brunch or open house that day. Then it comes down the weekend after New Year's.
5. Do you like eggnog? Mmm, sickeningly sweet, creamy, what's not to like?
6. Favorite gift received as a child? It's one of two. Either the Easy Bake Oven which I absolutely adored or the camping gear I received when I was really into Girl Scouts and going to camp.
7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, I have a couple of different ones. I have one that is specifically made for kids to play with, and N has always loved that.
8. Hardest person to buy for? W
9. Easiest person to buy for? N
10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? Gosh, I've never received a bad Christmas gift. Even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted, I still appreciated that someone made the effort to get me something.
11. Mail or email Christmas card? Well, some years I try to get Christmas cards out in the mail, but then sometimes I don't get it done even when I try (try meaning thinking every day about how I haven't done it yet and needing to do it soon). Some years there are no cards sent at all.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? This is tough because I love so many. My absolute must sees each year are Polar Express, Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, Christmas in Connecticut (the original, not the remake), Miracle on 34th Street (again the original, not the remake), and It's a Wonderful Life. Don't ask me to pick just one favorite. These all tie for first place.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Somewhere around Thanksgiving, either the weekend before or after depending on my schedule.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Not that I remember. It wouldn't be something I would be too likely to do.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Fudge, divinity, frosted cutout cookies
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Multi-colored most definitely, clear is boring.
17. Favorite Christmas song? Again, impossible to pick just one. I've seldom heard a Christmas song I didn't like. Some of my favorites are Dan Fogelberg's rendition of We Three Kings, Bing Crosby's White Christmas, I'll be Home for Christmas, Winter Wonderland, The Twelve Days of Christmas, Silent Night, Away in a Manger, and I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay home. I can't imagine being anywhere but home on Christmas Day. If I travel it's the week between Christmas and New Year's.
19. Can you name Santa's reindeers? Yes. Want proof? Okay, Dancer, Dasher, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen, and Rudolph of course!
20. Do you have an Angel on top or a star? Angel.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas morning. If it is impossible to wait then one present from family on Christmas Eve, but the rest have to wait for Christmas morning after the presents from Santa.
22. Most annoying thing(s) about this time of year? Politically correct misguided do-gooders who get offended by those of us who say "Merry Christmas!" People who worry more about making sure they get exactly what they want rather than be grateful for whatever gift their loved ones choose for them.
And now a Christmasy musical interlude:
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
I have this thing in my head, a yearning really, to do something special for Christmas. No, I don’t mean over the top lighting displays or having my living room and dining room look like Martha Stewart did the decorating. No, I’m talking special in a people sort of way.
What I want to do is invite people who have nobody with whom to spend Christmas day to spend it at my house. I want to let people come together who would otherwise be sitting alone in their house or apartment or cardboard shelter under the eaves of the downtown buildings. I want to have a house full of strangers sharing food and drink and conversation and holiday fun.
Does that sound weird? Yeah, I’m pretty sure it does. I don’t care though. It is what I want to do for Christmas this year. I want to put an announcement in the bulletin at church inviting those who will not be with family and friends to join us and make new friends. I want to post an invitation on the bi group’s private message board. I don’t want to invite just random strangers, but rather to invite those whom I know, but perhaps not well, and get to know them better.
And another thing I want to do? On Christmas morning, I want to take plates of Christmas goodies to the local firehouse to share with the firefighters not getting to spend the holiday with their families.
So will I do any of this? Will I allow my enthusiasm win out over the naysayers and scoffers who think that I am being too Pollyanna when I think that anyone would attend my little Christmas soiree? I don’t know, but I hope so. I hope that by actually giving voice to the idea it can go from the realm of thought, where it has lived for several years, to that of reality.
So blog friends, anybody want to come over for Christmas day at my house? If I've gotten to know you well enough to know you're a real person behind the online persona, I will welcome you with open arms.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
$135 - Ticket to game (ok, a little higher than expected but not by much; it is the best bowl game around after all, so far so good)
$499 - Price for 1 adult for the alumni 2 night tour package including hotel and transportation to the game, but not airfare or transfers from/to airport and hotel
$700 - Best fare to be found right now on any airline for the dates of travel (and yes I know I can keep checking and maybe get something better)
$1,334 - Total cost for just me to attend the Rose Bowl game only without costs of incidentals such as, oh little things like meals and such. Plus if I want to go to the Rose Parade (and truly I care as much or more about that than the game) add $85 to the total. Then to take the Super Shuttle from the airport and back would be $15 each way.
So let's just say a round total of about $1,500 for me, by myself, to fly to LA, spend 2 nights in a hotel and attend the parade and game.
Now, I don't really want to go all alone so if I take N with me let's add up his costs.
$135 - ticket to the game.
$85 - parade.
$209 - child price on the 2 night tour.
$700 - airfare
$30 - round trip Super Shuttle
$1,159 plus whatever dining costs are while we're there plus a souvenir or two so probably around $1,300.
Total this up and you have $2,800 for N and me. Egads. That's much more than I expected. Ain't happenin'. Holy cow. Fun truly is only for the rich or those willing to mortgage their future.
Oh well, it was a nice dream while it lasted. Guess I'll be watching on TV. Sigh. . .
Monday, December 03, 2007
So what do I do? I stick my head in the sand. I avoid the issue. I just kind of ignore it all. I go about my day to day business as though everything is just dandy. But it isn't. It isn't just dandy by a long shot. It is barely tolerable, but it is tolerable so tolerate it I do. It won't stay that way for long though. BJ will want to see forward movement in terms of separation and divorce on my part. W on the other hand will want to see me stay in the marriage even if it makes me incredibly miserable to do so.
Pressure, I feel it building. It is building from within right now more than externally. It is that internal pressure with which I do not deal well, tending towards stuffing it more than letting it guide my actions.
Just because I don't blog endlessly about it doesn't mean it isn't on my mind every second of every day. It is; I just refuse to acknowledge it most of the time.
And having no good segue from the above, let me just abruptly change subjects here. Just before awakening this morning I dreamed I had head lice, and not just your run of the mill head lice. No, mine were an extremely rare and exotic variety and were huge. Not only that, they clung to my scalp at the hairline, and I pulled many of them off with the help of a friend. She was then telling me all that I would have to do in terms of laundering all my clothing and bedding three times in a special detergent, and I would have to let her comb my hair with a special comb to get the eggs out of my hair. I was very grossed out by this whole thing and couldn't believe that somehow I had gotten lice. I have no idea what this dream might mean, but my head itches every time I think about it.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Dare I dream of a Rose Bowl for the Illini this year? We'll know tonight when the bowl schedule is announced. Yes, I've already gotten the info on how to get tickets. I've already checked the finances to make sure I can go. I'm ready for a trip to California. I'm ready to get up to watch the Rose Parade in person instead of on TV. I'm ready to sit in the stands and cheer on the Illini to a Rose Bowl victory. I'm ready.
Now just a few more hours and we'll know.
And in other bowl news, N and I whipped up a bowl full of icing and decorated our gingerbread house this afternoon. This has become an annual tradition for us, one that we both enjoy and to which we look forward. I do it the easy way by buying the kit. My favorite kit comes from Trader Joe's, and I had the good fortune to get to shop at Trader Joe's yesterday when in the city. All is calm, all is bright at our house.
California here we come! Woohoo!
Saturday, December 01, 2007
I spent the day today on and near the Magnificent Mile. Christmas shopping can be had at its finest on the Mag Mile. Cartier, Van Cleef and Arpel, Nordstrom, just to name a few. Then there are restaurants, many fine restaurants. We ate breakfast at a restaurant a little off the beaten path called The West Egg. Although off the beaten path, it sure is popular. We had to wait quite a while for a table, but it was worth it. We ate and made a bit of a gameplan for the day. After breakfast, it was a walk down the Mag Mile, looking in various windows, occasionally walking into a store that we wouldn't be able to find at home. We went into what we thought was Nordstrom's only to find that was but one store in a three or four story mall. When we came out of the mall it was snowing and blowing. Then we walked down to the theater district and found out that the 2:00 p.m. performance of Wicked was sold out, and that tickets, if available, are $37 - $97. So no theater for us today, so we went to the Art Institute instead. We spent three hours wandering through various exhibits and still didn't come close to seeing all its wonders. Then we took a bus north to have an early dinner at P.F. Changs. After dinner, we still had almost 2 hours before we had to leave so we shopped at Trader Joe's. I bought a gingerbread house kit so N and I can have our traditional decorating afternoon together. Our final stop was Garrett's for both caramel and cheese popcorn. Then we boarded the bus for the long icy trip home. Fun times.
What a great day! And now I'm exhausted. Goodnight everybody.