Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Just in Case You Wondered What to Get Me for My Birthday

For the 2007 model year, the S600 is powered by a V12 engine with more than 500 hp. The 382-hp S500 is powered by the first of a new-generation V8 engine family featuring increased displacement, four-valve-per-cylinder technology, variable valve timing and a lightweight crank assembly. Both horsepower and torque are up considerably, yet with lower exhaust emissions and noise.


You can't go wrong with a Harley.

You've got almost two months if you'd like to send me one of these for birthday delivery. But don't wait too long. You wouldn't want someone else sending me one first.

Shall We Dance?

Today I've had the following song running through my head over and over and over. It is my pleasure to share it with you so that you too can suffer from the "Earworm of the Day." Click here for the music to go with the lyrics.

Lord of the Dance
Words by Sydney Carter

I danced in the morning when the world was begun
I danced in the Moon & the Stars & the Sun
I came down from Heaven & I danced on Earth
At Bethlehem I had my birth:

Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He!
(...lead you all in the Dance, said He!)

I danced for the scribe & the pharisee
But they would not dance & they wouldn't follow me
I danced for fishermen, for James & John
They came with me & the Dance went on:

Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He!
(...lead you all in the Dance, said He!)

I danced on the Sabbath & I cured the lame
The holy people said it was a shame!
They whipped & they stripped & they hung me high
And they left me there on a cross to die!

Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He!
(...lead you all in the Dance, said He!)

I danced on a Friday when the sky turned black
It's hard to dance with the devil on your back
They buried my body & they thought I'd gone
But I am the Dance & I still go on!

Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He!
(...lead you all in the Dance, said He!)

They cut me down and I leapt up high
I am the Life that'll never, never die!
I'll live in you if you'll live in Me -
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!

Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Still Feeling Like a Hermit - Create custom images
That's what you'll find at my front door. Well, not really, but I am very much enjoying being by myself. Very, very much.

How nice it is to leave work and have the freedom to decide what to do. If I want to go shopping, I go shopping. If I want to go see a movie, then I go see a movie. If I want to go to a bar, I go to a bar. Okay, I haven't actually done either of those last two things, but if I wanted to I could. It's all up to me. Truth be told, I leave work and most days head straight home, back to my womb as a close friend calls it.

As everyone has fallen into more of a routine phone calls have become less intrusive. Even N finds it hard to think of lots of things to say in his nightly calls. I'm afraid though that I've made BJ too hesitant about calling. When he calls my cell and gets voicemail he emphasizes that if I'm too busy not to call him back. Sigh. . . Guess that's what I get for having a real life relationship with one of my blog readers. Although in some ways, I guess it's good because I've become less reticent to call him instead of waiting for him to always call me. Not that it's always a good thing, particularly when his wife is sitting right next to him when I call. I can always tell when that happens though because his voice sounds completely different when she's nearby than when he's free to talk, and I make it short and to the point -- I'm available to talk if you get the chance.

It's been a short time. I'm sure that eventually I'll be ready to not retreat to my home night after night all alone, but for right now I'm really enjoying it. At first, I felt there was something wrong with how much I was enjoying it. Now, I'm embracing my enjoyment of it. It's something I need to do, to be by myself, to think, to relax, to destress after a very stressful time in my life. In some ways, this is a vacation time for me, a vacation from real life, and the new job is so engaging, so interesting and stimulating, that even that doesn't detract from the vacation like feel of this time. Yes, I still feel like a hermit, but now I'm not seeing that as such a bad thing. It's a good thing. It's what I need. It's not permanent.

Ahhhhh. I'm starting to get more comfortable with myself. What a nice feeling.

Sunday, February 25, 2007


Tonight on my drive home (LNJ) from home (LOH), I listened to Dan Fogelberg's Netherlands on the CD player. I played it really loud, twice through. It's my favorite album of all time by my favorite musician of all time.

You can find the lyrics for all the songs on the album here. (Oops, does anybody still call them albums, or did I just show my age again?)

If you've never heard it, I strongly suggest you give it a listen. It is his best work IMHO although it is not his best known nor did any hits come from it. Read the lyrics by clicking the link above. Really. Take the time and read them. They really say something.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Best Use of a Football Field

Click here

Down on the Cube Farm

Thanks, Freebird, for asking about my new job. Here's the rundown.

I'm a week and a half into the new job, and here is how I've spent my time:

2 1/2 days in corporate orientation
1 3/4 days at home due to Blizzard 2007
3 3/4 days actually in my department learning my job

Corporate Orientation - Well, who knew it could take that long for orientation to a new company? I've never had an orientation last that long, but I must say that for the most part I liked it. I learned a lot about the organization, got a sense of the culture there, met several other new employees as well as several long-time employees who presented various parts of the orientation.

Blizzard 2007 - What can I say? Days off for this reason were a lot more fun when I was a kid. Now it's just a drag.

The Actual Job - Love it, love it, love it! I won't share great amounts of details in order to maintain anonymity, but let's just say that this job is great if you love running and analyzing reports from various computer systems with minimal actual contact with other humans. It just so happens that I love running and analyzing reports, I love learning different computer softwares to run such reports, I love being required only to have minimal contact with humankind. This job was made for me. Now, internet access is greatly restricted at the new job, but even that is okay because the work is interesting enough that I'm not constantly wanting to get on the 'net to email and blog and so forth.

So. . . at least one part of my life is on track.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Clear as Mud

I decided to address this in a separate post because I've had a handful of comments recently that rather than address one at a time I thought would be easier to address once, right here.

Where is N living, and what are the long term plans?

N is currently living with W in Location of Old Home (hereinafter referred to as LOH) while I, of course, am living in Location of New Job (hereinafter referred to as LNJ). The reasons that N stayed with W in LOH instead of moving to LNJ with me are for the following combination of reasons:
1. Our family counselor as well as a few teachers and several parents recommended letting N finish the school year in LOH if at all possible as it is particularly disruptive to children changing schools in the middle of the school year.
2. It gives me time to find a permanent home in LNJ without being rushed, allowing me to find the best fit for N in terms of neighborhoods, schools, etc.
3. It gives me time to decompress, destress, think, vegetate, assess, reassess, and gives me some "me time." (Well, if I could keep 'em off the phone!)
4. Lastly, and without this one I would have moved N when I moved, W has made a lot of progress through counseling in improving his relationship with N. It isn't perfect, but it is a hell of a lot better than it was and continues to improve.

So for now, I go to LOH on Friday night after work for the weekend and return to LNH on Sunday night. I spend a lot of "Mom and me" time with N on the weekend. We also agreed to speaking on the phone every day during the week.

For the long term, I definitely intend to move N up here once school is out. The only question that remains somewhat open, because I can't find the guts to make the final decision, is whether or not W will move up here with us. That's one of my life decisions that I am pondering while here by myself. I think I've pondered these questions on this blog plenty such as here and here. Anyway, what I know for certain is that by summer N will move to LNJ to be with me. Whether W stays in LOH, moves to LNJ, or as he threatens, moves to parts unknown is yet to be decided.

Does this clarify enough? Are there other areas that are murky? Well, besides my decision-making abilities, that is.

My, My, How Timely

Today's horoscope:

You may need a bit of alone time in order to balance your inner needs with what others expect of you now. After the last couple of days, you could be a little disoriented as you come back up for air. Your common sense is not working as reliably as usual, so delay making any significant decisions. You will be better off once you give yourself permission to float for a while.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

My Impression of a Hermit Crab

I feel like I’m pulling away, pulling away from everyone, becoming my own little hermit in my own little place. I am not enjoying being by myself as much as I thought I would, not because I’m lonely though. Loneliness was an issue for a couple of days, but once I got beyond that, I really started to embrace my aloneness. Now I feel like if I could just live in my little house all by myself without anybody bothering me I would be happy for a while (kind of like Kevin in Home Alone) and that eventually I would come back around and crave contact with my loved ones (again like Kevin), but not right now. Right now I want the freedom to jump up and down on the bed, eat junk food, watch trash on TV (oh, go watch Home Alone and you’ll see what I’m talking about). I even get a kick out of doing the dishes for myself after my highly nutritious microwavable meal each night. So what I guess I’m saying is that this 45-year-old woman is a little too much like an 8-year-old boy from a John Hughes movie.

Whoa. Somehow I got way off target from what this post was supposed to cover. I wanted to cover my current frustration which has been building the last few days. Because I am “all alone” with “nothing to do” people seem to feel free to call me a lot at any time. W and N call at least once a day, most days 2 or 3 times. BJ calls at least once a day. None of this is so very different than before. What is different is that I am not welcoming the escape from work that these phone calls used to herald. Now they are coming in on “my time.” My time to be alone and be me and discover who I am and whether or not I am capable of functioning as an adult.

Now, with a new job it is not practical to receive these calls at work. I understand and can be (somewhat) rational about this. However, when I get home I consider myself to have come home to my sanctuary, my place of rest, my place to be selfish and be me and be alone. Then the phone rings. It is W. He needs to talk to me about the latest crisis du jour. Oh, and while we’re on the phone N would like to say hello. For a boy, N is an incredible talker. I suppose I’ll miss that in a few years when he becomes a sullen teenager and speaks no more than three words a day to me. But for now, he is a talker and talking with him on the phone takes a while because he has a lot to say. And I understand. I really do. He’s an 8-year-old boy who is missing his mom who is living 200 miles away. He needs and deserves my time. Finally, he exhausts his repertoire of topics, and we get off the phone. I unpack the groceries that I set down as I walked in the door to the ringing phone.

Alone at last. BJ hasn’t called yet though. He said he’d call after his appointment. Hmm. I hate to start anything because I know as soon as I do my phone will ring. I’m hungry though and it’s after 6:30 so I start to make dinner. While dinner is in the oven (no, the real oven not the microwave; I actually cooked that night) I think about maybe calling BJ myself, but I don’t want to bother him at an inconvenient time. I’m sure he’ll call when he can. Just as the timer goes off letting me know that my dinner is ready, my cell phone rings. It’s BJ. I take dinner out of the oven while I’m talking to him. Big mistake on my part as I should have left it in the oven to stay warm. I serve it up on a plate and carry the plate to the sofa where I sit down and watch my supper grow cold as I chat with BJ. I like talking to BJ. I really do, and I know that he has other family obligations so I try to take in stride that he is less flexible than I. However, I’m not thrilled that my dinner is cold by the time we get off the phone, but we would have stayed on the phone longer had my land line not rung. I knew it had to be W and/or N so I said quick goodbyes with BJ and answered the other phone while looking longingly at my dinner. It was W. He had forgotten to ask me a question about plans for Saturday. He needed to let other affected parties know whether or not we could make it at a certain time. Yes, that’s fine. This should be a quick call, but no, he wants to chitchat for a while. Finally, I get a little short and ask him if we could talk when I get home the next day. We end our call, and I eat my cold dinner, having missed a good portion of one of my favorite TV shows, and feeling ever so slightly put out.

Selfish or not, I want me some “me time.” Selfish or not, I would sure like it if when people called they asked if this is a good time for me or not. Selfish or not, I would very much appreciate being able to have a little control over the timing and length of these calls. Because it feels selfish to me I do not assert myself and tell those who are calling that it isn’t convenient to talk, or that I have groceries to put away, or dinner to eat. No, instead I do what I always do, suffer in silence, brood about it, get cranky.

Bad, bad Trueself. Ask for what you want and what you need. Stop letting the fear that people won’t like you drive everything you do. If they really aren’t going to like you because you want to eat a hot meal or put the ice cream away before it melts then they are pretty shallow and don’t deserve you anyway.

I know, I know. Shut up now please. I want to go be by myself for a bit. Thanks for understanding.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Leaning: Too Hard or Not?

This is troubling me lately. How hard is it okay to lean on someone else, to depend on them for support (not $, but advice, assistance, that sort of thing)? I realize since being here on my own (for one whole week so not much experience yet) that I don't do really well by myself, at least by my own standards I don't.

Oh, I can handle the day to day get up and get dressed, feed yourself, clean up after yourself, get to work on time, etc. What gets trickier for me is making judgment calls. I don't think that I make the best judgments in life (okay, okay, long time readers stop laughing that I'm just coming to the conclusion you've seen as obvious for months), and I often don't trust my own judgments. I feel the need to talk over some of the simplest things and gather advice and opinions and base my decisions and actions on others' judgment rather than mine.

A recent example was yesterday morning. I needed to make the relatively simple decision on how to make it to my car. The first choice was to walk down the alley, my normal exit/entrance to my house, through knee deep snow. This would be a half block walk. The other choice was to walk up the driveway of the main house to the street and around the corner to my car, a longer distance but with a shoveled/plowed path for the entire trip. I puzzled, I debated, I questioned myself. I finally called W, described the situation and asked for his advice. Now the most interesting thing here is that once W gave me his advice to take the longer but easier route I of course left the normal way, made my way through the knee deep snow, only fell once and managed to make it to work safe and sound.

Another interesting aspect to this whole thing is that I turned to W, not BJ, when I felt insecure. Is it only that I've been with W for so long that I feel more comfortable leaning on him since I know he already knows my frailties? Or is it that I don't trust that BJ would be willing to let me lean so hard on him and that he would be annoyed at such a display of neediness? Maybe it's a bit of both.

Sometimes I think I'm hopeless.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Too Funny

Click here for a really funny snowman/snowwoman picture. Warning - the snowwoman and snowman are having them some grownup type fun so don't click if you're faint of heart. Then again, if you're faint of heart what're you doing reading this blog?!?

Monday, February 12, 2007

Good Things

BJ spent three days with me – Thursday evening through Sunday morning. BJ does some very good things for me when he is with me.

First, when I need to make a phone call he encourages me to do so but doesn’t push and doesn’t offer to make it for me. My desire to be my very best me in front of him then leads me to just go ahead and make the damn calls.

Second, he lets me lean on him and cry when I need the release. I was suffering from big time frustration with W one night and BJ held me while I cried. He just let me cry. No telling me not to cry, no telling me it would all be okay, no telling me what I ought to do to fix anything. Instead, he just held me and let me cry. Very cool.

Third, he and I have talked a lot about sex and fantasies and desires and limits and, well, just about every aspect of intimacy. We have many things in common in our likes and desires.

Fourth, when we are together we are very intimate with one another, not just sexually, but in many ways large and small. He holds me. He looks me in the eyes when we talk. He respects my limits, but also helps me stretch those limits just a little which I really like.

BJ’s not perfect though. Nobody is. There are a few things that bother me some. His lack of attention at times when I talk to him is frustrating. He doesn’t tune me out all the time, but he definitely does zone out occasionally letting me wonder if he cares enough about me to listen to me. Okay, that’s the only flaw I can remember. He doesn’t have many. He truly doesn’t. He’s a very good man.

I love him deeply and passionately. Now if we just weren’t both married to other people life would be grand.

Sigh. . .

I have so many things to say, but I just can't get the words from scrambled brain to keyboard. Hopefully I'll get back to the right frame of mind to blog soon so I can put these thoughts down and out.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

I Generally Don't Stray Into Politics But. . .

I found this website, and I just can't at all stop myself from sharing. You'll notice a new countdown in my sidebar as well as here, and I just loved the following list from the site so I'll share it here too.

Top Ten Reasons to Own a Backwards Bush Countdown Clock Keychain:
1. Wearing one around your neck helps to keep Republicans away and smells much better than garlic.
2. Purchasing a BackwardsBush keychain instantly qualifies you for "Enemy Combatant" status.
3. You'll never again be mistaken for a Republican.
4. Now that Bush has his judges on the bench, the keychains will most likely soon be illegal (and therefore a collector's item).
5. Unlike Bush, our keychain has a 100% approval rating.
6. Carrying a BackwardsBush keychain will make it much easier on the Secret Service to identify you when they break into your house in the middle of the night to take you to Guantanamo.
7. In case of impeachment, keychain can easily be reset to reflect new departure date.
8. You might as well spend your money on a keychain now, because if social security gets privatized, you won't have any money left!!!
9. If you're reading this, the NSA is most likely already spying on you, so you might as well make it worth it!!!
10. Backwards Bush proudly supports Save the Children.

So I guess this leaves little doubt, if there ever was any, of my political leanings.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

What is There to Say?

Not much. Life is busy this week. No work, or rather no job, plenty of work. Packing to move. Already spent one day moving stuff to the new place. Buying necessities to set up housekeeping. Attended counseling with W last night. He now agrees we need to spend the next few months apart. I told him flat out that if I were to agree to stay with him I would be setting aside my happiness to fulfill my obligations. We're going to take some time to see if either of us can be happy that way, or if either of us can change enough so it isn't that way. I don't think we stand a chance in hell, but damn I have such a hard time walking away particularly when he reiterated to me that if we split he will not stay in this part of the country and won't be a regular part of N's life. Damn him for holding that over me. Tomorrow I head headlong into the future. I will be driving to my new place. On Friday, I get to wait for the cable and phone (yes, even phone phobics have to have phones) guys to show up to connect me to the rest of the world. Plus I have to drop by the new employer for a bit that day. So there's lots to do, lots and lots to do this week.

Oh, did I mention that BJ is spending the weekend with me? No? Well, he is. My bright spot in this hectic week. At least I'll be able to start my new job with a smile on my face after a weekend with BJ.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Long But I Like It

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Entirely Miss Reverend Lady Trueself the Insouciant of Much Moulding upon Carpet
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My Sexy Zodiac

TAURUS The Tramp

Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find! Loves being in long relationships.=] Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy as ........ Loves to help people in times of need. Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome personality. Stubborn. Sexual as ......... Most caring person you will ever meet! One of a kind. Not one to F### with. Are the most sexiest people on earth!

I agree with all of this except the part about being outgoing. I am anything but outgoing.

You can check out your zodiac sign HERE

Thanks to AOHS for the link to this one.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Scarier Than a Stephen King Novel

I’m finally going to address IT. You know, IT, the phobia that has held me back in the past and continues to haunt me. IT is my telephone phobia.

How long have I had the telephone phobia? I am quite sure that it goes back at least to high school, and since I wasn’t really allowed to use the telephone much prior to that I’m not sure how long before that I would have had it. It is definitely related to social anxiety although I can handle live face to face interaction better than telephonic conversation.

What is the extent of this telephone phobia? My first memories of it are of being afraid of making telephone calls but being okay with receiving them. I later went through a phase where I was afraid of both making and receiving telephone calls. Not only would I not make a call, but I wouldn’t answer one either. If nobody else was home I’d just let it go to the answering machine. A few years ago though I found that I was much better off answering a telephone call than letting it go to the machine and having to actually make a call back later. At this point, I will answer almost any telephone call although I always check caller ID first.

Making telephone calls, on the other hand, can cause me to go into a full blown panic attack. Just writing about it is making my heart beat faster and my breathing shallower. I absolutely hate to make telephone calls. To me there is nothing good about making a call. There are only three people I can call without triggering the phobia – W, N, and BJ. To call anyone else requires me to spend time psyching myself up for it, convincing myself it will be okay. Sometimes I try to write a script for myself beforehand. Mostly all any of this does is make me have more time to think and get nervous about it. In some ways, it almost seems better if I have to make a call immediately because then I don’t have time to think about it so much. I’m better at making a call if somebody says “Call Sue and ask her if she knows anything about that check?” and then stands there waiting for me to do it right then. At that point, I just take a deep breath and do it. If, on the other hand, you were to ask me to call Sue when I get a chance to ask her about the check then I’ll put it off as long as possible and spend much to much time worrying about it and dreading it. Almost the worst is when I’m told to call Sue tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. Now I know exactly when I’ll be forced to do it, and the clock moves so slowly until the appointed time. Then time starts to fly and before I know it it is 10:03, then 10:08, then 10:10, and at some point I begin to panic because now I’m so late making the call I’ll be even more embarrassed.

I want to get over this phobia or at least get control of it so that I can make telephone calls when telephone calls are required. I don’t hope to ever be one of those people who can just pick up a phone and make a call just to chat incessantly about nothing, but I least hope to get to a point where I can make necessary appointments for myself, where I can call and order a pizza, where I can call family and friends to share news with them.

So just what is it that strikes terror in my heart when faced with the need to make a phone call? I daresay that there is something underlying the list I’m about to give, something that is at the crux of the problem that I can’t quite put my finger on or won’t allow myself to consciously acknowledge. I am trying to open myself up to figuring out what that thing is, and am hoping that by bringing this out into the light that I am on my way to doing that. Here, then, are the things of which I’m aware that terrify the begeezus out of me:
• Fear of interrupting the person at a bad time
• Fear of sounding like an idiot
• Fear that I won’t make clear why I’m calling
• Fear that I will say too much
• Fear that I will say too little
• Fear that the recipient of the call will not be nice to me
• Fear that the recipient of the call will belittle me

I don’t feel like I’ve explained any of this well. Rational discourse on this issue is supremely difficult for me. At this point, I’ve got to stop writing and go calm myself down now.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

More Than You Wanted to Know


2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE? Yes, if doing it in a car alongside a busy interstate counts as a public place.

3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX? IF SO WHY? Yes, because sex should be a lighthearted, fun affair.

4. EVER CRY DURING SEX? IF SO WHY? No, not during, but immediately afterwards yes, generally because it was very bad sex in some way.

5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX? Yes, I love to cuddle after sex. I love to drift off to sleep in my lover’s arms after sex.

6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE? Not really. I’ve learned something from each lover, even the less stellar ones.

7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM? Yes, more times than I care to admit.

8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP? Dirty talk, and lots of it.


10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIENDS SIGNIFICANT OTHER? Um, no, that’d be a little weird.






16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE? Having N walk in on one of the rare occasions W and I were actually having sex. For details see this post from my other blog.



19. DO YOU THINK THAT NUMBER 18 IS POSSIBLE? Not right now, but next week it will be

20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW? Let’s see, am I breathing? Yes. Then I’m horny.


22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR? Not parked, but rolling down the highway yes.

23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST VIRGINITY TO? No, wouldn’t even know where or how to find him since I don’t remember his last name.


25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER? Well, yeah. That mostly seems to be my man of choice.

26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD. Good, very good.

27. LINGERIE. Occasionally, but mostly it just gets in the way.

28. EVER SLEEP WITH A CO-WORKER? Yes, W was my co-worker when we started dating.

29. WHERE HAVE YOU HAD SEX? (X)park ( )church ( )cemetery ( )beach ( )boat ( )school ( )parent's bed (X)your bed (X)car ( )picnic table (X)kitchen counter (X)couch/chair (X)dining room/kitchen table (X)woods (open and/or in a tent) ( )hood of a car (X)bathroom (X)shower (X)the other person's bed ( )porch/deck/balcony ( )in a house with parents home (X)at a party ( )on top of the washer/dryer (X)with other people in the room (X)hotel ( )concert ( )grandparent's house ( )field ( )bleachers

I stole this from Cat without her permission, but I think she’ll be cool with it because she said she stole it from somebody else.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Trying to Work on the Answers

So here are the questions I asked in my post on being stuck along with my attempts, at this time, to answer them:
1. How much risk am I willing to take that N will be negatively impacted by the divorce vs. the negative impact of staying with parents who have a strained relationship? Divorce is difficult on kids. There is no doubt about that. My personal experience tells me that it is also difficult on kids when they see parents who stay together who probably have no business staying together. Neither is a great situation for the kid. The more I think about the more I think that this one is about neutral in impact. The only way you could make things better for N would be if we stayed together AND had a good relationship. I'm thinking that may not be possible without me staying and playacting that things are okay.
2. How much risk am I willing to take that I may regret not staying with W and caring for him for the remainder of his life? I definitely think my conscience will always give me a bit of trouble over this one. I will always feel a bit like I abandoned him at an age when he really needed someone to take care of him.
3. How much risk am I willing to take that I may regret not pursuing my own happiness by staying with W? I cringe at the thought of looking back years later, having passed on the chance to break free, and regretting the years of doing for others rather than for myself.
4. Will I be able to live with my conscience if I abandon a man who professes to love me and need me? I don't think so.
5. Would I be willing to leave W if I did not have someone else to turn to, if the choice were between being with W or being alone? At this point, no. I wouldn't leave him now if the alternative was being alone.
6. How willing am I to work on reconciliation with W? Not very. I don't trust that any changes made will be lasting changes. I don't trust that the things he is trying to do to win me back will last once I say okay I'll stay.
7. How willing am I to accept that life with W would mean choosing to be celibate or choosing to continue with clandestine affairs? Well, I think I've proven to myself that celibate isn't for me. I am not willing to live without sex. I don't like having clandestine affairs, but I suppose I could make do with them and would probably follow that route if we were to stay married.
8. Given that I have seen W making efforts to improve how he deals with N, am I willing to risk that relationship to pursue my own happiness? I am so pleased at how far W & N have come so far even though there are still some rough edges to smooth out. It would devastate me if my leaving caused W to stop working at this.
9. Can I make the choice to stay without continuing to agonize over it, question it, have this same crisis in my head repeatedly? And of course, there is the flip side to this too. Will I continue to agonize, question, repeatedly have this crisis if I choose to leave? I have to make the decision that whatever choice I make I must be prepared to live with the consequences and then set aside all the questioning and agonizing and focus on making that choice work the best that I can.

So there it is. That's where I am. Some questions have answers, some really don't, and some have answers that I'm not too keen about.

Continuing the struggle. . .