Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Trueself Takes Seattle by Storm! Part I

I never really did talk here much about my trip to Seattle with BJ. I’m not sure why. Of course I don’t have all the pictures to post like BJ does because I don’t have a camera so you won’t be seeing that kind of post here. While I was on the trip I was enjoying the nothingness of it all so much that words for a post just didn’t come. Then when I returned home I had to smother N with attention, and catch up on work, and catch up on laundry, and catch up on All My Children, and watch N play more baseball games as a sub on another team, and mourn with the rest of the Illini Nation when Jeff Jordan announced he was quitting the Illini basketball team, and pick up wayward youth from jail, and there just didn’t seem enough time in the day to ever blog about the trip.

I did very much enjoy the trip in spite of massive spasms of guilt over letting BJ pay for most of it. That is so very unlike the me of the past – the letting someone else pay part, not the guilt part. The guilt part is terribly like me as you probably know if you read here much.

This post (unless it gets too long in which case it may be multiple posts; with me, you never know ‘til you get there) will look at the trip from a few different perspectives: (1) the travel part of the trip, both to and fro and while there, (2) the sights of Seattle and what I did there, (3) the Saturday evening we spent with jeniangel and her boyfriend, and (4) how BJ and I fared “living together” for an entire week.

Travel (or Don’t Go Anywhere if You’re Fat)
I am officially (in my own mind) too fat to travel unless riding in my own car, a taxi or a limousine. I am one of those dreaded people who takes up more than my allotted 17.2” wide airline seat.* Not only am I fat, but most of that fat is in my hips and thighs, the parts most impacted by 17.2” seats with armrests on both sides. When I am not next to a loved one (and on two legs of our roundtrip extravaganza I was across the aisle from BJ rather than next to him) I refuse to raise the arm between my seat and the seat next to me. It isn’t, after all, their fault that I am too wide for the accommodations. What I do is sit down the best I can, allowing my body weight to slowly push me down into the seat, squeezing my flesh up against the boundaries of the armrests.

What this inevitably leads to are bruises on my thighs. I think BJ was surprised by the damage done when he first saw them. Me? I’m used to them, or as used to them as one can get I suppose, kind of like how an abused spouse just keeps taking it even when they know it’s coming.

You will never hear me espouse the theory that it isn’t my fault, or that the airlines or other airline passengers should accommodate me and my extra bulk. It is my responsibility that I’m fat. That is all on me. I know the way to eat healthfully, and most times I choose not to do so. That’s me. That’s not anybody else. Nobody pushes the food down my throat. I wish I had the money to pay for an extra seat so that I wouldn’t inconvenience anyone else, but I don’t. Yes, if I gave up those fast food runs for several months I could probably save enough to fund an extra ticket. Anyway, I think I’ll go back to the I-don’t-ever-fly-without-N-because-he-doesn’t-mind-if-I-slop-over-into-his-seat-so-I-can-put-the-armrest-up rule of flying.

Then there was the good side of transportation on the trip:
Free bus service in downtown Seattle? Good
Monorail to the area where the Space Needle is? Good and fun.
Limousine between airport and hotel? Fabulous
Various taxis we took to navigate the steep hilly terrain of Seattle occasionally? Serviceable, but you know, typical taxis with drivers I can’t understand and questionable cleanliness. At least there was enough room for my fat ass.
Town Car sent to take us to and from brunch at the Palisade for no additional charge? Magnificent!

Okay, I can see this is getting long. I declare this to be a multi-part blog post. It looks to me like there will be two or possibly three more posts. Hmm, wonder how long it will be until I get around to writing those?

*Average commercial airline seat width according to the website www.independenttraveler.com. I didn't measure the actual width of the seats in any of the planes we flew, but I do know the seats in the little jets the regional airline used on our first and last legs of our trip were damned small, and I'm guessing they are helping to keep that average seat width low. I would be real surprised if they were 17" across. Maybe I'll take a tape measure next time and check for myself!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Sunday Stealing: The ABC Meme

A – An advantage you have – Intelligence

B – Blue or brown eyes – Blue

C – Chore you hate – Cleaning Toilets

D – Dad’s name – Too uncommon to share here, but thanks for asking

E – Essential start of your day – Coffee black, and lots of it

F – Favorite color – Purple (on days when it isn’t Orange and Blue)

G – Greatest thing you’ve ever done that made you feel really good – Passed the CPA exam

H – Habit you have – Playing with my hair, particularly when it’s long like it is now

I – Issue you hate that the world tries to make you pursue – Weightloss

J – Job title – Sr. Bean Counter

K – Kohls or Target – Target, but I like Kohls too

L – Living arrangements – Just me and N and the dog in a house much too big and expensive for the three of us

M – Music you like – Varied to the nth degree, very few genres I don’t like

N - Nicknames – None now; when I was a kid I got called Fat Girl a lot, but I’m not really partial to that nickname.

O – Overnight hospital stay – Other than being born, just one when I had my gallstone riddled gall bladder removed.

P – Pet Peeve – People who pronounce my name wrong after I’ve corrected them more than once.

Q – Quote that you like most – In a conversation, keep in mind that you're more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is. -- Andy Rooney

R – Right or left handed – Left

S – Siblings – Just one, FU. You can have him if you want him.

T – Time you wake up – Depends on the day. On weekdays, somewhere between 6:00 and 7:00 a.m.

U – Underwear – Most days yes.

V – Vegetable you dislike – Brussels sprouts

W – What makes you run late – Trying to do and be everything for everybody.

X – X-rays you’ve had – Too many to mention; don’t think there’s a part that hasn’t been except perhaps my head.

Y – Yummy food you make – Homemade whole grain cinnamon rolls.

Z – Zoo animal – Penguins.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Never a Dull Moment in Trueself's World

I started writing this yesterday but didn’t get it finished. There are a lot of references to “today”, “yesterday” and the like. As you read shift in your mind one day back. I suppose I could post this with yesterday’s date on it, but I’m not going to do so. Instead, you just have to shift everything by one day. On the other hand, you probably don’t really care what day it happened so you can just read it as is. Whatever. . .

There are a lot of things that I never expected to do in my lifetime. For example, I don’t expect I’ll ever fly to the moon. I don’t expect, even though it has been a longtime dream of mine, that I’ll ever run for president of the United States. I don’t expect I’ll ever be famous for anything.

I did something today I never expected to do. I went and picked somebody up when they were released from jail and took them to the bus station giving them a little money for food and drink at a sandwich shop before the bus left.

Nope, if you told me yesterday afternoon that’s what I’d be doing this afternoon I would’ve said that my flying to the moon or running for president or being famous were just as likely. As it turns out though you’d have been right, and I’d have been wondering today how you knew that in advance.

The somebody was BJ’s daughter. He’s explained on his blog how she ended up in jail so I won’t rehash that here. When he emailed me to let me know she’d been released I offered to help him in any way he might need. He emailed back that I could pick her up and take her to the bus station so she could catch the bus later this afternoon to take her back home. It just happens that I work not terribly far from the county jail so it would take me far less time than it would take him, some 30 to 45 minutes once he left his place, to get there. Also, due to last evening’s happenings he thought it was better if he and she only saw each other in a public place with lots of people around, and the bus station would certainly fit the bill.

On my way to the jail all sorts of thoughts flitted through my head:
What if she became violent with me on the way to the bus station?
What if she was so embarrassed over the situation that she didn’t speak to me for the entire drive?
Why did N leave that baseball bat in the car? What if she used it as a weapon against me? Would I have the heart to use it if I needed to defend myself?
What should I say to her? Somehow “How’s it going?” wasn’t going to cut it.
How do you pick someone up at the jail? Is there a front desk where the receptionist/deputy/clerk is waiting to ask who you are there to pick up?

Of course things went more smoothly than I anticipated. It turns out there’s a set of glass doors that are unlocked at the front entrance to the building. Then you get to the set of glass doors that are locked. You can see a couple of rows of chairs in the room beyond the doors, a waiting room of sorts (turns out it is the area where people released from jail wait for whoever is coming to get them and where visitors wait when it is visiting hours only hence the locked door when it is not visiting hours) but without the magazines from what I could see. In a couple of chairs are sitting a couple of very big and mean looking guys, the kind of guys you wouldn’t want walking up to you if you were on a deserted street. On the other side of the room, standing along the wall near the doors is a very nervous looking young woman, BJ’s daughter. She saw me and came out. I asked her in a concerned way how she was feeling. She answered, “Okay, I guess.”

On the way to the bus station she was a very humble and reserved young woman. A night in jail had some effect apparently. She shared with me that the food was not good there (no surprise) and that she would have to return to court late next month. I don’t know, but I’m guessing she was released on her own recognizance. Hopefully, she is responsible enough to show up for her court date. We talked, just light chit chat, for the ten or so minutes it took for me to get her to the station.

As I dropped her off at the bus station, she turned to me before she got out, looked me in the eye and said, “Thank you.” I told her it was no problem and that I was happy to help out. She smiled (first smile I’d seen since I picked her up), and said, “No. Really. Thank you.” I smiled back and told her to take care of herself.

I teared up a little as I drove away. I can just imagine, that like me, she probably wondered all sorts of things about how it would go when I picked her up. She was probably a little afraid I would scold her, or perhaps ask too many questions, or lecture her, or who knows what. As it was, I tried to keep the tone light, but not too light, and let her lead our discussion. I figured there was no sense adding more pressure to the situation. I think that’s why she was thanking me, for making the ride across town as easy as possible.

If you’re the praying kind and happen to think of her I’m sure she could use a few prayers on her behalf. I know I’ll be praying for her. Schizophrenia is a devil of an illness, not one easily managed or controlled even with medications. In my book she’s a brave girl battling to overcome it and struggling with the lapses that occur. It’s hard enough being 19 without the additional problems that come from having schizophrenia.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A Little Mish, A Little Mash

I could roam my house nekkid if I want for the next few days. N is off to basketball camp so I have the house all to myself. . . well, except for the dog but he doesn’t seem to mind if I wander the halls in my birthday suit. Not that I will, mind you, but I could. Now that Gladys has put up her privacy fence between our back yards I wouldn’t even have to worry about her peeking. Oh wait, no, she built it with lattice. Hmm, note to self: don’t wander the backyard nekkid.

In other news, BJ’s daughter came to visit him this week. Apparently, they had something of a brouhaha last night, leaving both a little shell shocked. At least I know BJ is, and I imagine his daughter is also. I wanted to spend some time with BJ this evening, but I don’t know under the circumstances if that will work.

I’ve signed up to preach at church again. I’ll be in the pulpit on July 19. My tentative sermon title: What I Don’t Know. (Now that could lead to an awfully long sermon!) based on the Lectionary readings of 2 Samuel 7:1-14a and Ephesians 2:11-22. If y’all want to come let me know, and I’ll give you the time and the place. Yes, I know for most of you it would be too far to travel just to hear a layperson spout off on her theological views, and I’m certainly not expecting many, if any, of you to ask for the particulars. I just thought I’d throw it out there. . . just in case.

If you remember, last time I preached there were three people in the world I had hoped would hear me preach, and not one of them did. This time I’m going to go into it with expectations that none of those three people will be there. As a matter of fact, in some ways I’d just as soon they not be there because if any of the three are there I will feel that it is only in response to my hurt feelings from last time (yes, I let all three know just how I felt about it because even though my original intentions were not to mention it to any of the three I couldn’t hold it inside of me) not because they genuinely want to be there to support me or to hear what message God leads me to share.

I’m intrigued by the SC governor’s little vacation by himself and the ensuing media frenzy. It is truly a testament to what a nobody I am that I can go off on my own and be gone for a while before anyone besides my immediate family knows or cares in the slightest. I feel a little sorry for him that he cut his trip short just to quell the uproar. I mean, I know he’s in a high profile position and all, but my guess is that he was listening to voicemail messages and choosing not to respond. I’ll bet if he’d gotten a message indicating an emergency he’d have been on the phone in a flash. Sometimes there’s too much accessibility. I am known for turning off my cell phone or leaving it behind. I do not feel it necessary to be at anyone’s (well except N, and even that decreases as he gets older) beck and call. That doesn’t mean I don’t check messages occasionally, but I evaluate them and handle them according to level of emergency. I’m betting that the governor is something like that too. I think everybody ought to get off his back and let the independent introverts do their thing. Boy, I never thought I’d be out there defending a Republican. Live long enough and just about anything can happen. UPDATE: Well, I see he’s admitted being unfaithful to his wife. In my position I refuse to cast stones. I stand by my earlier statements.

I’ve decided I form way too many opinions of my own based on my overexposure to TV. No matter how much I know that much of what I see on TV, even my favorite reality shows, is fake, made up in someone’s mind I still grab onto concepts presented as though they were factual. I find myself increasingly distrustful as I think that nothing is as it seems, that there’s always an ulterior motive, that most people are greedy bastards who will stop at nothing to line their own pockets even if it means destroying others. TV has done more to squash my faith in my fellow man than anything else.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Sunday Stealing: The Finish the Sentence Meme

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss... was precious because it was from N, and he doesn’t give kisses as freely as he used to do.

2. I am listening to... the roar of the HVAC system here in the office. No, it isn’t that loud. It’s just that this place can be as quiet as a tomb (which I really, really hate, in case you’re wondering) so the constant hum of the HVAC starts to really annoy me. I think it’s time to put the headphones on and turn up the Clapton.

3. I talk... too much according to some people. Apparently I don’t have the gene that prevents me from sharing TMI on a regular basis. It’s either that or backlash from being raised in a family where there were too darned many taboo topics. Whatever the reason, I seem compelled to be a little more open about a little more than most people.

4. I love... too easily.

5. My best friend/s... are too few and far between.

6. My first real kiss... scared the crap out of me. I had no idea about French kissing, and Tom went right in for the kill, disgusting my poor little naïve 13-year-old self.

7. Love is...
hard work.

8. Marriage is... even harder work.

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking... I’m an idiot. Oh no, wait, that’s me thinking that. Somewhere, someone else is thinking I’m too hard on myself.

10. I'll always... be an Illini fan.

11. The last time I really cried was because... a combination of hormones, paranoia, bitchiness, and insecurity got the better of me.

12. My cell phone... is not nearly as cool as most people’s phones.

13. When I wake up in the morning... I want to go back to sleep.

14. Before I go to bed... I work Sudoku puzzles to quiet my overactive mind.

15. Right now I am thinking about... completing this meme and getting back to work.

16. Babies are... wonderful, awesome, fabulous, precious, and a whole lot of hard work.

17. I get on Myspace... never.

18. Today I... just want to make it through the day.

19. Tomorrow I will be... all alone once N leaves for basketball camp.

20. I really want to be... self sufficient.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Is This Post about Sports or Domestic Chores?

This is one of those meaningless random posts that spring from the meaningless random thoughts in my head.

Yesterday, as I was sitting through a baseball double header at the local Little League park another mom and I were chatting. (Gimme a break. I can’t pay attention to the game ALL the time.) She was mentioning that because her son was not only playing on the regular team but also the league all stars team she was going to have to wash his baseball uniform five times this week. I sympathized as I have been run ragged all year keeping N’s soccer, basketball and baseball uniforms ready for action. Multi-game weeks call for multiple washings, often in the wee hours after getting home late from a game.

Today I was thinking about how today is Monday, which to my mom has always meant, still means, and presumably will always mean “wash day” or the one day out of the week that she does laundry. As I was growing up she was mostly a SAHM and devoted much of her Mondays to washing and drying laundry with drying taking place, in good weather, on the backyard clothesline. Tuesdays were for ironing. I can think of no times when exceptions were made to the “Monday is Wash Day” rule.

I guess it is a good thing that FU and I very rarely participated in team sports. I guess it’s also a good thing that when we did we rarely had anything but one game per week. As kids I guess we wouldn’t have cared if we’d been in dirty uniforms. As a mom would she have cared? Somehow, knowing her as I do, I doubt it. It isn’t as if she would be at the game to see (or smell) the griminess. It isn’t as if she valued sports in any way, at least not the kind that are played outdoors and require those who attend to be outdoors. She did, however, value routine; the kind of routine where each day of the week is set aside for certain chores, and those chores are done on that day and no other, the kind of routine where you get up at the same time each day, eat at the same time each day, go to bed at the same time each day. She didn’t, and doesn’t, like to veer off schedule. (Oh, go ahead and say it, a bit of my propensity for rigidness may well have come from her.) Of all sports, she was most likely to attend basketball games which at least at that time were almost always on the same day of the week from week to week. She did come and watch FU a few times when he played in junior high. She came and watched me a few times when I was a member of the white turtle-necked, maroon jumpered pompon squad in junior high. I don’t remember her ever attending a softball game of mine or baseball game of FU’s. I only played one season of softball. I think FU maybe played one or two seasons at most of baseball. We were a family of academics, not athletes. The closest I ever came to being a true athlete was being a member of the high school marching band, and if you don’t think marching in the blazing sun in a wool uniform carrying and playing a trombone while watching out for other trombonists’ slides as they turn your direction requires a certain bit of physical stamina then you would be mistaken my friend, sadly mistaken.

I remember my mom often wondering aloud why some mothers seemed to be doing laundry “all the time.” It was beyond her comprehension why you couldn’t just get it all done once a week. It’s a really good thing she didn’t raise a brood of athletes.

BTW, this post was meant to be all about laundry, it being Monday at all. I’m not quite certain just how it became an exposé of my history with athletics. Oh well, I think we can all agree I was right at the start: this post was definitely meaningless and random.

Friday, June 19, 2009

A Little Musical Interlude

Lately I've been listening a lot to the only CD I have at my desk at work right now -- Eric Clapton's The Cream of Clapton. Sometimes I forget how much I appreciate Clapton's music.

My favorite from the CD:

Of course the video is not of the version of the song on the CD. The CD is the original version by Derek and the Dominos. This video just proves though that Clapton rocks as well in his 60s as he did back in the day. I particularly enjoy the instrumental section that starts about four minutes in. Listen at least that long, won't you? It's worth it. Really.

This next one isn't on this particular CD, but it is probably my all time favorite Clapton song:

Enjoy the music. Enjoy your weekend. Peace out.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Who’s a Pushover?

I am. That’s who. At least when I work the concession stand to help out the baseball league on which N is a player.

The kids just love when I work the concession stands. I have yet to work there when I didn’t shell out a little cash to pay for something somebody wanted but was just a little short or whatever. I’m a softy on that sort of thing, kicking in a quarter here or there, or replacing a bottled water at my expense that got spilled way too soon, or even sometimes outright buying something for somebody just because.

Last time I worked I spent about $5 total on spotting different kids a little something for a little something. What can I say? I’ve got to do something to make up for the evil inside me.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Who is Trueself’s True Self?

I hear/read over and over from people who know me and/or read my blog that I deserve better. I scoff each time this assessment is offered, probably because I know me so much better than they do. No matter how well they think they know me they don’t know all the darkness that lies within me. They don’t know that if it were all laid out in front of them that they would think I deserve even worse rather than better. I feel quite lucky to ever have anyone’s attention, and no amount of persuasion has yet to make me feel differently.

You don’t know.

You simply don’t.

As much as I lay bare here on the blog there are further evils lurking below the surface. Oh, I skim past them occasionally in a post here or there, but I never really delve too far into them. It isn’t so much that I want to keep you blind from them but to keep myself from having to face them. They are the demons within, the impulses upon which I act seemingly without remorse (but which eat at me from the inside out), the secretive, manipulative, and hurtful actions which I take.

I have recently come as close as I ever have to sharing those things. I have the feeling that to correct them, to atone for them, to heal from them, it is necessary for me to expose them, if not here then somewhere at least to myself. They need to be laid out in the open, confronted, acknowledged, and changed.

That’s the heart of it right there that last word of that last paragraph. There are things I do that I know with certainty are wrong or bad. I know I need to change. I’m afraid I won’t change, that my selfishness and self-centeredness will prevent me from making the changes that I need to make. They say (and in this case “they” are various psych types from whom I’ve sought counsel through the years) that a person chooses a particular behavior because they get a pay off from it. It works for them at some level. It isn’t easy to give up the behavior if you don’t find a substitute behavior with equal or greater pay off. I guess so far the payoff of better moral character and higher self esteem hasn’t been enough to make me change.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Not Liking Myself Much These Days

There are things about me that I do not like much these days. Primarily, these are things about me that are absolute proof that I am human, and since humans are fallible, it proves I am quite fallible. I hate that about me. I want to be perfect, dammit! Yet I fall short of the mark again and again.

Case in point:
Try as I might to resist doing so, I make snarky comments to BJ regarding one particular episode in life with one particular person. They just fly out of me at the most random of moments. I want to be able to let it go. I want to just get over it and move on with life. I want to be gracious and compassionate and understanding. I know that’s what I ought to do, and yet I have my weak moments. BJ and I can be having a perfectly lovely time walking through the unique shops at Pike Place in Seattle only to have me ruin it by picking up a lunchbox:

and saying to BJ (in a voice sweet as honey laced with arsenic), “Oh look. You should buy this as a present for your friend.” Top it off with turning down the next aisle to find a book:

and me making jokes, perhaps a few too many jokes, about the title and it being a role-playing game.

Snarky. Ugly. Not the person I want to be. A voice inside my head screams for me to shut up, but I don’t. I keep going and going until I run it into the ground. BJ stays quiet, perhaps afraid that anything he might say will simply fuel my fire. He’s probably right. There is nothing he can say that would be “right” to me in that moment. There is nothing anyone can do to make things right in that moment. I must find a way to work through my feelings about this and deal with them. I must find a way to deal with it other than being the Supreme Bitch of the Universe.

I look in the mirror and hate who I see staring back at me. I hate the person I am right now. I want to be better, and the above is but one example of bad behavior from me and but one topic over which I behave badly. I am a mess, and I need to start cleaning house within me, sweeping out the bitchiness that lays like a layer of thick gray dust on my soul.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Sunday Stealing: The Blue Rene Meme

1. What thing is nearest to you? My PC’s keyboard

2. What is your ringtone? Oh, you’ll be shocked by this one (note strong sarcasm there): one of the Illini fight songs – Oskee Wow Wow.

3. What was the last message in your inbox? Pictures of me in Seattle from BJ

4. Who is your best friend? Good grief, the whole friends thing again. Have we not established that I am a totally pathetic and friendless woman?

5. What is the brand of your TV? Ummmmm. . . . . . . . . . . . . . no idea, but it’s a great big boxy one that was quite stylish when new in the early 1990’s but now seems like quite the albatross compared to TVs currently on the market. Given time now to think about it, it might be a Magnavox, but don’t take that as gospel.

6. What schools did you attend? TV1’s public elementary school, TV3’s public elementary school, TV3’s parochial K-8 school, ST2’s public K-8 school, ST2’s high school, University of IL

7. Do you own a MP4? Strangely enough I do. What is not unexpected however is that I have no idea how to make it work so it sits useless on my bedroom dresser.

8. What song are you listening to now? Not listening to anything right now.

9. Did you kiss anybody in the past 2 days? Yes.

10. Have you ever kissed someone you met in the blogosphere? Yes.

11. What would you want to call if you weren't your current name? [I left this question worded as it was originally even though it is awkwardly worded. I think we can figure out what it means in spite of poor wording.] LeeAnn (pronounced properly it must be said with a Southern drawl)

12. Would you be happy if you had everything? Not until I gave most of it away to others in need.

13. Are you always thinking of someone special? Not really.

14. Tell us of your most desperate dream? I think it depends on how you interpret “desperate dream.” I choose to take it to mean the recurring dream that I have that makes me feel most desperate, and that would have to be the one I have where I’m on a trip and in order to follow a path that I have to follow to get where I’m going I have to go through a portion that requires crawling through a very small space that I struggle to fit through and then either a very steep portion to climb or a large leap across a deep crevasse. This dream always leaves me exhausted when I wake more from the worry level within the dream than the activity in the dream.

15. When did you last laugh till you cried? Wow, it’s been a long, long time, so long in fact that I just don't remember. Oh wait, it might have been back in April when I visited Drama, but I was too drunk to remember for sure.

16. If you had a crush, would you tell them you love him/her now? Nope.

17. If you could be anywhere in the world now, where would you want to be? At my house.

18. When was your heart last broken? If you really feel it necessary to revisit that go back and read my blog entries from January and February 2008. I'd just as soon put that behind me.

19. Whose birthday(s) is/are coming up? Within the next month W’s and my dad’s.

20. How many email accounts do you have? Hmm, one for work, one hotmail, two gmail, one yahoo, and two other personal ones. Add them all up and that makes TOO MANY. (Yes, that's a technical accounting term.)

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

I Am So Lost

Don't worry. I haven't become directionally challenged and become physically lost in the great city of Seattle. No, no, I am lost in a much larger and metaphysical sense.

Bleah. . .

I feel ugly, not physically but emotionally. I feel unsettled. I feel confused. I feel really very ambivalent about myself and my direction and my future and everything about me.

Bleah. . .

I wanted to write a post about it. I wanted to sort out my thoughts. The words don't come.

Bleah. . .

Sunday Stealing: The Hate Meme

Oh crap. This is a difficult meme for me. I don't really hate much, other than flying on commercial airlines when I'm the size of a small whale. Other than that I am not, by nature, a hater. So as you go through and read this list with my answers remember that for the most part these are things I really really dislike, but I probably don't hate them unless I so specify in the answer.

1. Most hated food:
Okay, so we start with one that I truly do hate, not only hate, but despise -- brussels sprouts. Oh, I've tried. I really have. I've tried them prepared various ways. I've tried them various times. They are truly the world's nastiest "normal" food.

2. Most hated person:

3. Most hated job: Cleaning toilets.

4. Most hated city:
I know this answer will get me in trouble with a lot of people, but New York City. It is crowded and dirty and my least favorite city I've ever visited, and I've visited a lot of cities.

5. Most hated band:
I don't know enough bands to have a least favorite. After all music is music, meaning awesome even if in it's worst forms, so I decline to answer.

6. Most hated (non-blog) website: My brother's for his law practice just because it's totally lame and useless other than giving you his office address and phone number.

7. Most hated TV program: Jerry Springer

8. Most hated politician: I almost said Dubya, but he's just too dumb to hate. I really kind of feel sorry for him. On the other hand, I can pretty honestly say I dislike almost to the point of hatred Dick Cheney.

9. Most hated artist: Why would I waste my time hating any artist? Art is in the eye of the beholder and certainly no art is worthy of earning it's artist hatred.

10. Most hated book: I don't think I ever met a book I didn't like.

11. Most hated shop or store: The Evil Empire aka Wal-Mart.

12. Most hated organization: The KKK

13. Most hated historical event:
The Holocaust

14. Most hated sport: Boxing

15. Most hated technology: Nuclear technology when used for weaponry.

16. Most hated annual event:
Annual female medical poke and prod session.

17. Most hated daily task: Getting out of bed. . . and then everything thereafter.

18. Most hated comedian:
Andrew Dice Clay. He's just not funny.

19. Most hated blog:
I don't think I could hate a blog unless it was dedicated to trashing me or my family. Even then, I would probably find it more amusing than hateful. It'd have to go pretty far to make me hate it.

20. Most hated song:
Try as I might I can't think of one. Sorry.

Well, I certainly hope in future I have more cheerful memes to post. This one was kind of morose.

Monday, June 08, 2009

So. . . .

So here I am, sitting in a fabulous downtown hotel in Seattle with a laptop (BJ's) all to myself. So. . . I should be able to spend all this time writing new blog entries, reading my favorite blogs, tweeting on Twitter.

My mind is a blank. Apparently my brain is using this vacation as a vacation.

There are a few random thoughts for me to throw out here, some important, some insignificant. Here they are:

*Flying when you are heavy like me totally sucks, totally and completely. While it went as good as it could have probably, I have big ugly bruises on both thighs from dealing with seats not built for my wide hips and thighs.

*Jeniangel is indeed an angel as is her boyfriend. We went to dinner with them on Saturday night and had a great time. As with the Great Midwest Blogger Meetup last year, it was proved once again that meeting people off of the internet isn't necessarily exposing you to mass murderers or weirdos.

*Seattle is one of the most lovely cities I've ever visited. I am in awe.

Okay, that's it. That's all my brain can handle for one day. Back to vacation. . .

Friday, June 05, 2009

Leavin' on a Jet Plane

Yep, today's the day. Just a few more hours and we'll be in Seattle.

Already having all the travel jitters I can stand:
- I hate flying at my current weight. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I hate that I have to endure the looks of normal sized passengers terrified I will sit next to them. I hate having to ask for a seat belt extension. I hate how snippy the flight attendants can be when I ask for a seat belt extension. I just plain hate flying at this weight. It almost makes me sorry I agreed to go on this trip.
- I'm a nervous flyer anyway, and a disappearing jet over the Atlantic doesn't make me feel any better about it. Aack.
- I'm missing N already, and I haven't even left yet. So far it has been like any other day with me taking him to school. . . Only today, I was saying goodbye for a week not just a few hours.
- My period should arrive any moment, should have actually arrived several days ago. Of course traveling under those circumstances is just dandy great. (That's sarcasm people, major sarcasm.)

So, off we go. . .

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Is That a Light at the End of the Tunnel?

In a couple more days I will be headed to Seattle, yes that coolish drizzly northerly west coast city, for a week’s vacation with BJ. Actually, it’s a bit of work for him combined with vacation, but for me it is pure rest and relaxation.

I am very much looking forward to this break from the real world. I am very much in need of a bit of rejuvenation to prepare me for dealing with, instead of ignoring, certain piles of metaphorical shit in my life.

Oh, and while I’m gone, I imagine I’ll have time with BJ’s laptop to do all manner of things, such as checking my personal email accounts, blogging (oh how I miss real blogging), reading all the blogs I’ve been skimming lately, and maybe even getting some personal business resolved via the world wide web. (I can’t write that without smiling and thinking about how Optimus Prime says it in the movie. Oh, come on, don’t tell me you haven’t seen Transformers, and if you really haven’t, then by all means go rent it at a Redbox or put it on your Netflix list or something.)

I have all manner of things about which I want to blog, most having to do with the work I am doing in therapy that is required of me so my psychiatrist will keep prescribing the happy pills for me. I will admit that’s one of the things I like about their approach. They won’t just prescribe meds without doing some talk therapy too. What a refreshing change from the doctors elsewhere who’ve just thrown pills at the problem the last few years without much, if any, follow up to see if they’re helping or if there are other things that could contribute positively to my mental health.

This is probably my last pre-vacation post. Let’s hope my first vacation post isn’t about some travel day nightmare on the trip out there.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Natural Selection at Work

The following is an excerpt from a news article I read today:

Two 22-year-old men suffered fatal head injuries when they stood up on a double-decker charter bus as it passed under an Interstate 57 overpass, say authorities.

As bad as I feel for the families of these two young men I can't help but think that if they were dumb enough to stand up on the top deck of a double-decker bus as it approached an overpass then they'd probably have been dumb enough to get themselves killed some other way had they survived this incident.

Sunday Stealing: The Monkey's Meme

1. Name one person who made you smile today: N
2. What were you doing at 8am this morning? Driving to work
3. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Reading emails
4. What is your favorite candy bar? Currently I’m kind of hooked on Butterfingers
5. Have you ever been to a strip club? Numerous times
6. What was the last thing you had to drink? Large black coffee from Mickey D’s
7. What was the last thing you ate? A banana
8. The last sporting event you watched? N’s baseball game last Thursday night
9. Do you go to church every Sunday? Not every Sunday but more often than not
10. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? What a rude question! How could anyone prefer any food over pizza? Hmpf, the very idea! [turns and flounces to the next question]
11. What are you doing tomorrow? Same as most Tuesdays, go to work, after work go to N’s baseball game, after the game make some quick and easy dinner for us and after dinner get N to bed and me too soon after.
12. What do you think of when you hear Australia? Emily, Kimba, Fusion, koalas and kangaroos
13. Biggest annoyance right now? Not being able to get my shit together and come out the other side of this maelstrom of personal upheaval
14. Last song listened to? “Val Kilmer” by Bowling for Soup
15. Do you have a maid service clean your house? Used to when I could afford it; now I just have a dirty house
16. Are you jealous of anyone? Not really.
17. Is anyone jealous of you? I can’t even imagine what I might have that could provoke jealousy in anyone.
18. What do you usually do during the day? Work which consists of running and analyzing reports, providing data to other departments, digging into discrepancies and reconciling differences from one report to another.
19. Do you hate anyone that you know right now? No, hate is such a strong and negative emotion. It is really not in me to hate, at least not longer than a fleeting moment in time.
20. Are you thinking about someone right now? Interestingly, since reading and answering that last question I’ve been thinking about the people that perhaps others would say I have every right to hate. I tried to identify any of those people for whom I might feel hatred and just couldn’t come up with a single one.