Thursday, January 31, 2008

Physically and Intellectually Good, Emotionally Not So Much

It has been three weeks since being run over by a car. The pain has subsided substantially. I am off the anti-inflammatory drugs. The top of my foot looks worse now than when I took the picture that I posted here. I am a little concerned that the wound is not healing and is actually about three times the size it was in the picture. All the bruising is gone, but there is quite a good sized open wound on the top of the foot. In some places it doesn’t even appear to be scabbing over. Not being a medical type at all, I just don’t know what to make of it. I guess I’ll just keep an eye on it for a while. If it starts to look like gangrene or something I guess I’ll call the doctor about it. Other than that though, I’m doing well. I only use my cane now when I’m going to be (1) walking outside where I don’t trust my steadiness yet in the event of icy spots or uneven terrain, (2) on my feet for a goodly amount of time since the longer I stand or walk the more it bothers me, or (3) if I have to go up or down a significant number of stairs. For the most part I am cane-free and pretty much back to normal walking, with barely a limp at all. The paranoia about cars coming after me is decreasing a lot, and I am now able to walk past “the spot” without much angst. I think all of you were right who said I was having a normal reaction to the accident and it would get better over time. I can feel it getting better, even if I do still keep a much warier eye on moving vehicles, which is probably not all that bad a thing.

It has been ten days since I received the Dear Jane email. The roller coaster has definitely slowed way down. I am still sad. I am still grieving. How could I want anything though for the man I love more than his happiness? If his new love gives him that happiness then I wouldn’t ever want to hold him back from that. He and I spoke often of how his wife and my husband clung to us in spite of knowing that the love wasn’t there and wondering why they would do that. I can’t do that. No matter the depth of the hurt to me I can’t hold onto something that just isn’t there. I can’t force it to be there no matter how desperately I might want that. Intellectually I “get it.” Emotionally I’m coming along. I recently attempted to arrange something that would help me emotionally, but I was rebuffed in that attempt. Throughout this thing, it seems that everything done has been done in the most hurtful way possible while claiming to try hurting less. At just one point, I would like to have had the respect shown for me to truly do some piece of this in a less hurtful way. I have begun to think that perhaps things were orchestrated the way they were deliberately to hurt me so badly as to make me the bad guy that won't make nice afterwards. I guess then he wins. At this point, it is over completely. There will not be friendship. There will not be more hurtfulness towards me. There will be nothing. There is nothing. And I am better off for it.

It has been eight days since I sent the counselor the email that set in motion my final ending to my marriage. There is no turning back now, no backing down. I will calmly explain what it is that I want, and I will refuse to get dragged into an emotional battle. I know the things I need to say, and I know the things I shouldn’t say (no discussion of infidelity advised the counselor, even if he pushes the issue, and I’m going to take that advice). Intellectually, I know what I’ve got to do and how to do it. Emotionally I’m a wreck over this one.

I’m thinking of taking myself on a little vacation once things settle down (so it won’t be for a while yet). I might head to the west coast for a few days, just to chill out and breathe different air and see different scenery and take a few moments to contemplate life. Anybody out there on the west coast want to meet for drinks or dinner or put me up (and put up with me) for a night or two? If so, email me.

Also, due to the plethora of posting that has occurred recently, I think many readers probably missed when I posted this. I encourage you to go back and read it. Read the bolded parts particularly. There are people in this world who underestimate me. Underestimating me is not a good thing to do. There is some amount of strength inside me, and I do believe every one of those statements I bolded is a true statement about me. I will survive all of this, every bit, and I will come out stronger on the other side.

Prolific if not Profound

Can a person be addicted to writing? It seems to me that maybe I am in a way. Particularly now that I’m trying to get back on the healthy eating wagon I look for alternative pursuits when the urge strikes to hit the pantry or vending machine or drive thru.

Instead of heading for the food I head for the computer. I sit down. I lovingly open Word. Word and I are such good friends these days. I’ve never had much use for Word, as an accountant and all, but these days Word and I are getting to be good buddies. Word and I, we have this “thing” going on.

I’ve never been the artsy fartsy type (well not the first one anyway) so I’m not one to take to the sketch pad or the canvas in order to “express myself.” I do play the piano a lot when I’m frustrated. It helps calm me usually. Unfortunately, a lot of what I usually play is Dan Fogelberg stuff, and since his death last month playing his stuff makes me cry. Since I cry enough without extra crying ruining the finish on my baby grand I haven’t been playing the piano much lately. Anyway, my point here, and I do have one, is that I have little to no creative energies except those that I pour into the written word. I write, therefore I am.

Now if I could just channel this writing into the book I started to write a while back it could actually go to some good use. Right now, though, even that just brings up thoughts of BJ. He was the one that encouraged me to write the book, convincing me that I had enough knowledge and wisdom about the topic to give it a go. I even have an old high school friend who is an author and who I am sure could teach me something about how one becomes published. Yes, if I could just focus on the topic at hand rather than my god-awful relationship woes, I could write that book in no time. Unfortunately, the words that come from brain to fingertips are about my crappy life, and not about my topic of expertise. My topic of expertise, by the way, has nothing to do with romantic relationships. I have no expertise there, obviously, as evidenced repeatedly in this blog. No my expertise is another area more related to business than personal lives.

Ah well, for now my blog groans from the weight of the words that burst forth from me. January is 31 days long, and as of today, the last day of the month, I’ve published 43 posts during the month. Guess I’ll make that Blog 365 goal easily at this rate.

Well, and just for good measure I thought I'd play a little Fogelberg today:

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Don't Back Down

In spite of my best intentions to cut back the number of posts per day I just can't seem to do so yet. I'm sure that months or years from now when I come back and reread these it will be scary bizarre freakishly sad interesting to look back on the weird and the wacky aspects of my life at this time.

The reason for this post though is this -- divorcing W. I spoke with the counselor tonight. She and I talked it through, and she helped me develop a course of action for talking to W and not backing down. Now all I have to do is find someone to keep N this weekend, and I'm all set to have the Big Don't Back Down Boot His Ass Talk. I suggested and the counselor agreed that it would be best if N was out of the house for long enough that we would not only have time for the talk, but time for W to chill out a bit and hopefully be willing to deal with this situation rationally. Surprisingly, I cried not one tear as we discussed how to present it, how to stand firm through the questioning, the begging and the threats. Maybe I'm just all cried out for the moment. Now that I think about it I do believe that I only cried once all day today. Not bad for a low day.

So. . . anybody want a nine-year-old boy for the weekend? He doesn't eat much, and if you sit him down in front of the video games he'll leave you alone for hours. Think of it as your charitable donation of time for the month.

And here's a little tune somebody suggested I listen to today. I liked it so much I thought I would share it here:

Back to the Low Places

First, just wanted to say thank you to the many, many of you who have contacted me the last few days. I really appreciate the support. I have the best readers in the entire blogworld.

Because grief is not an easy thing to experience, one shouldn’t get too excited if one has one good day. One should be prepared for the next day which might not be so good. Yes, the roller coaster has headed back downward once again. Today is not an easy day. The good news is that I know there are good days to be had and just as yesterday’s high was fleeting so will today’s low be. More good news is that today’s low is far shallower than last week’s lows so apparently I’ve gotten off the Screamin’ Eagle and am now riding the kiddie coaster.

Of course, part of today’s low is the apprehension with which I approach this evening, the evening of reckoning when I get the advice of our counselor on how/where/when to confront W with the split. I really respect this counselor. I believe she has done her very best for us throughout the process, particularly given that I haven’t been 100% honest in the statements I’ve made at counseling. I truly believe she will continue to work well with us as we work to unravel this intricately woven tapestry of our 20 year marriage.

The other part of today’s low is that I am missing BJ today too. There are lots of things I miss – our daily phone calls and emails, our nearly daily IM chats, our plans and dreams for the future, our planned weeklong retreat in California this spring (I am now glad I didn’t book airline tickets as I almost did a couple of weeks ago). I miss knowing that someone out there cared for me, loved me, wanted me. It is sad to me that if he found our relationship lacking that he didn’t simply break it off with me but waited until he found someone to move on with. It hurts to know that he continued to tell me he loved me even when that ceased to be. More than anything I wish there had been honesty. I tried my best to be honest with him in all things. I shared every feeling, and yet I always knew there are parts of him that he held back. Hopefully, he learned some things from our relationship and will do better in the next relationship. I’m quite sure that I will use the lessons I have learned.

I have long lived by the following saying:
If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you it is yours. If it doesn’t it never was.

BJ never was mine. As painful as it is to acknowledge that, acknowledge it I must.

And now, a little musical interlude from someone else who knows about low places:

The Smut Meme

Well, thanks to The Silent Male, I have finally been tagged to do the meme that absolutely everyone else has done already. It is a welcome departure from my normal whine-about-BJ-whine-about-W posts. There's never a bad time for a little smut on a blog.

The Rules: Tagged or not, feel free to post this on your blog. Title your post the Smut Meme, outline the rules, and tag two people when you're through. Please link to whoever you've tagged, so we can see just how smutty your readers are. Important note - you must pick one answer or the other, even if neither is your cup of tea.

1. Chocolate or whipped cream -
This one is incredibly easy for me. Even though I love chocolate if we are talking about licking it off of another person then I go for the whipped cream. BJ and I have tried both, and the chocolate was difficult to get all licked off where the whipped cream was light and slippery and lots of fun.

2. Leather or PVC -
Not a big fan of either, but given that I have to choose one of the two I'll say leather.

3. Outdoor sex or indoor sex -
Outdoor sex is better in theory than in fact I've found so I'll go with indoor, but with the windows open. How's that for compromise?

4. In the jacuzzi or in bed - In bed for the most part, reserving the jacuzzi for the occasional "spice it up" alternative.

5. Bad sex or no sex -
Oh dear, this is a tough one. If I had a regular sex life I would choose no sex over bad sex. Under my current circumstances though I'd take bad sex over no sex.

6. Dominate or be dominated -
I'm all about being dominated. I loved the times I've been tied to the bed, blindfolded, used and abused (abused in the loving BDSM meaning of the word, not as in real abuse).

7. Thigh highs or bodystocking - Having never worn either I will say that the idea of a bodystocking doesn't do much for me except think that it would accentuate all the bumps and rolls on my body so I'll go with the thigh highs.

9. Rough or gentle - Rough. I love it rough. I also like it gentle, but gentle is for special moments. Rough is for everyday.

10. Bite or suck - Suck, definitely suck. Oh yes.

11. Role play or reality - Only ever had one boyfriend that I role played with and it was a lot of fun, but I've never felt the need to do it since then so let's go with reality.

12. Dirty talking or dirty talking to - Why yes thank you. Oh pick one? Okay you talk dirty to me. Tell me what a little slut I am and how much you want to fuck me, and I'll be dripping with desire.

13. Edible panties or no panties -
No panties, most definitely. I've never tried edible panties, but they seem to me like they'd be kind of sticky and just generally in the way of getting to the good stuff.

14. Spanking paddle or bare hand -
I've tried both and definitely prefer the bare hand.

15. Landing strip or Kojak -
Okay, this one is a compromise answer because I actually like to go with full brushy thicket, but since I have to choose one of these alternatives I go with landing strip. No hair at all is just too childlike.

16. Multiple sessions or one good fuck - Multiple sessions. I have yet to meet the man that can keep up with me. I mean, what's a weekend for besides sex, naps and a couple of snack breaks?

17. Moaning or screaming - I tend to be a screamer which leads to some interesting looks from others in the hotel hallway.

18. Older men or young men -
Older men: been there, done that, didn't even get the t-shirt. Gotta go with the young men. Not too young though. K is two years younger than me and that's good.

19. Threeway or no way -
Threeway, either MFM, MFF, or FFF, I'm not picky.

20. Swing or no swinging - At different times of my adult life I've had very different opinions on this one. At the current time I'm all about swinging. Can't say that it will stay that way though.

Tag two people, huh? Hmm, has anyone not done it? Any volunteers?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Just in Case You Didn't Already Think I Was Crazy

And in other news today, I finally got the answers from BJ that I’ve needed. It was such a relief I practically turned giddy. Today is quite the day in Trueself’s life.

Now it just so happens W stopped by my work wanting to take me to lunch today. So off we went to the little place close by and sat down. Since I’d already cried on his shoulder last Friday about the breakup I shared with him the answers I’d received, the story as I know it now. Then I asked him if he thought I was crazy to feel the way I do – relieved to know the truth, happy for BJ and his new love, and just in a downright great mood. He said no, he thought it was quite alright and understandable. Who could understand this? Even I don’t completely understand it, but I certainly can’t be angry now that I know the truth of the matter. I’m only a bit peeved it took me over a week to get the truth out of BJ. Let me tell you though, they are right when they say the truth will set you free. It certainly did today, and it certainly should tomorrow when I spill my guts to the marriage counselor and the marriage begins its official demise.

However, I must say that as understanding as W has been to me this past week has me feeling a mighty amount of guilt over still wanting to leave him. To draw a parallel though, I have spent so much time trying not to hurt W that I’ve probably hurt him all the more, and it will be a kindness to finally just spill forth with the whole truth. For those that worry that breaking my silence on the infidelities could jeopardize custody of N rest assured I’ve spoken with an attorney about it. Since I have never introduced N to any of my “men on the side” there should be no impact, particularly since the way W treats N is so bad. I’ve been assured it would be the rare judge indeed who would favor custody with him over me.

Score One for Me

Will wonders never cease? I was right!! I think the Silent Male was right in his comment to my previous post though, I’ll keep the day job as cover.

What really blows me away is that it was kept a secret from me for absolutely no good reason. Just goes to show that sometimes people just don’t know me as well as they think they do. OMG, I can’t tell you how relieved I am over this.

Maybe one of these days I’ll explain all of this, but probably not so don’t wait for it.

Just in Case You'd Like to Wager

Well, I went ahead and risked mortal embarrassment to seek to confirm the answer. I am now awaiting the response to my query. By day’s end I hope to either know that I am a brilliant and cunning sleuth who should give up my day job as a mild mannered accountant to become a private eye, or that I am a complete bungling idiot who should learn not to let her imagination run away with her.

I hear the odds are running 10:1 on the latter case.

One Year Ago

One year ago this week I was finishing my last week at my old job, and getting ready to move into a new chapter of my life. One year ago next week I was making my move from LOH to my little rental here in LNJ, and spending a few days with BJ in my new place. I’ll never forget those few days together, how comfortable it felt to be with BJ, how much I enjoyed showing him around LNJ in spite of it being quite cold when we went for a little walking tour one day that he was here. Am I making myself more miserable by thinking back on those times? Maybe. But they were good times. I cherished them then, and I cherish them still. It was a relationship that bridged the gap, kept me going when I was in need of something to keep me going. Now I feel a little more ready to keep going all by myself, kind of like taking the training wheels off the bike. Now maybe I can stand on my own without requiring somewhere to lean.

It’s hard to believe that it has been a year since I left the old job. Time has flown. The two years before that at the old job crawled. Seldom did a day go by after the first couple of months that I didn’t long for it to be quitting time each day, to be Friday and the end of the week, or to be the last day before a holiday or vacation. Lordy, those were two mighty long years. This past year has simply flown by. There has been so much to do in this job that is interesting and engaging. The people here seem to “get” me unlike those at the last job. I truly feel that I’ve come home here.

Damn, this post sounds almost optimistic and upbeat here. How on earth did that happen?

Monday, January 28, 2008

Elementary My Dear Watson

Did you ever think you had figured out the answer to something but had no easy way to find out if you were right or not without possibly making a complete fool of yourself if you're wrong?

Frustrating, my friends, most frustrating. . .

And the Roller Coaster Slows

So I finally got my answers last night, still a bit more vague than I’d like, but they do bring a level of peace to me that I couldn’t have quite achieved, or at least not as easily, without them. I was surprised that they hurt a lot less than I had expected. The one thing that disappointed me was that because it took so long for them to be provided I expected longer, more detailed answers, but then again not everyone in the universe is as verbose as I am. Anyway, it makes more sense to me now, and what doesn’t make sense to me I am able to just let be. As I told BJ, I hope that he and his new lady are very happy together, and that I can someday find that same thing for myself.

Overall, the emotions were better over the weekend, much better. Mostly I think that was because BJ and I had talked on the phone on Friday afternoon and made some amount of peace between us at that time. Weepiness pretty much subsided at that point, save the few moments here and there, and one big episode of crying on K’s shoulder yesterday. Nothing says “Thanks for the roll in the hay” quite like dissolving into tears afterwards. There weren’t any more tears until just now as I am writing this post, so the healing is happening.

Probably my worst day last week was Thursday, and then Friday morning too until I got to talk to BJ. That day and a half was spent mostly in tears, even to the point where I spent my lunch hour on Friday crying on W’s shoulder over the breakup with BJ. Bizarre, huh? I felt I had no one else to talk to at the time, and so I just blurted out why I had been so teary-eyed all week, sharing how much I cared for this person and how much it hurt to lose this person. And of all things, W comforted me. What kind of spouse comforts their spouse over the loss of a lover? I don’t know. Life is way weirder and different in real life than I ever expected it to be. Of course, W had to completely piss me off too, when I asked him after the conversation hadn’t he wondered why I’d been teary-eyed all week. His reply: “I just figured it was that time of month, and it would get better soon.”

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Distractions, Part III

Here is supposedly the meaning of my real name according to the ever reliable never to be doubted internet quiz. I have bolded the statements that ring true to me.

What [My Real Name] Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.
You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.
You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.
You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.
People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.
You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.
Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

Distractions, Part II

This afternoon, K and I spent a couple of hours romping on his king-sized bed. Oh boy, oh boy, K has absolutely the best sex technique of anyone I have been with ever (I didn't say this before because I didn't want BJ to get hurt feelings by it). The only thing missing when K and I fuck is that we aren't in love. There won't be love there even though the sex is great.

K has the ultimate in sex technique, but it is lacking the intimacy that comes only with love. I wouldn't want that for the rest of my life.

Sex with BJ was the ultimate in intimacy for me, and his technique was pretty damned good too. I would have been absolutely, perfectly happy with that for the rest of my life.

So when it comes right down to it, what's more important in sex, technical expertise or emotional intimacy? I've got to come down on the side of emotional intimacy. Technique can be developed, honed, improved over time if it needs to be, but emotional intimacy is hard to develop if it isn't there.

But for now, in the short term, I sure can't argue with having some fabulous orgasms along with good conversation and good snuggling. It is comforting in it's own way, and it will fill the gap while I heal from the heartbreak before I officially jump back into the dating pool. K is a good distraction from the pain for a couple of hours now and then. Sigh. . . . . . .

Distractions, Part I

I found this at Tajalude's blog, and I thought it was a good way to distract myself from my tragic existence for a few minutes.

Create Your Own Album!

1. Click on this link. The title of the page is the name of your band.

2. Click on this link. The last four words of the final quotation on the page are the title of your album.

3. Click on this link. The third picture is your album cover.

4. Add your band name and title to the picture, and you're practically the 2nd coming of the Beatles. (Or the third, if you count Oasis.)

Here's how mine came out:

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Welcome Diversion

funny pictures
moar funny pictures
That's some damned good advice there little kitteh.

Last night I went to the first event of the bi group that I've attended in a long time. I had been isolating myself because too often I was using doing things with them as a cover for things like going to visit BJ a few months ago, or going to meet K, or whatever. Last night it was time for some fun, some distraction from the pain of two simultaneous breakups, doing something with some real life friends instead of living in cyberspace, which is about all I do except for hooking up with K.

It was good that I am on medication related to my recent accident that prevent me from drinking alcohol. I fear that I would have made quite the fool of myself last night had I become inebriated. As it was I just had a smashing good time without turning into a maudlin drunk.

We went to dinner together, eight crazy women, each with our own complications in life, and for one night we were just eight crazy women enjoying ourselves. Dinner was excellent. The location chosen was one that I would probably not have known about had others in the group not suggested it. It was a very small, very crowded little place offering live music (wonderful BTW) and a very varied menu. The grilled portobello sandwich I ordered was delicious.

After dinner what better mischief for eight bi women than heading off to the local "gentleman's club." Yes, we went and watched strippers, most too skinny to truly enjoy too much. Ah, but there was one, Diamond, who was beautiful. She had the most gorgeous caramel skin, curves where all women should have them, and a sparkling personality. She was the one most in our group drooled over. She was the one that gave me a lap dance, a very arousing experience I must say as she buried my face in her bare chest and then put her bare snatch in front of my face and rubbed it against me (although patrons can't touch the girls the girls can, and do, touch the patrons). Oh my. I'd have taken her home with me if I could've (and who knows, maybe for a price I could've, I didn't ask).

Yes, this was just the diversion this heartbroken lady needed. I shed no tears the entire evening, the longest I've been tear free since receiving the Dear Jane email, and have only had a few weepy moments today though that is probably due more to being exhausted from not getting home until 3:30 this morning than to anything else.

The hurt is still there. The heartbreak has not yet healed, and won't for some time. Yet just as I titled yesterday's post life goes on.

Friday, January 25, 2008

La, La, La, La, Life Goes On

My horoscope today:
Your goals are changing, but this is a long and drawn-out process, so don't expect to know where you are heading anytime soon. It's not that you can't make any plans; it's just that the map is undergoing revisions as you are traveling. You might not be able to rely on your previous experience. Instead, trust your ability to respond to the circumstances, even as they morph into something else.

The peace I felt the other day was short lived. Although I did receive what was apparently supposed to be answers, it left most of my questions unanswered, and was vague where it did answer. So is there to be no peace to be had for me? Well, I don't know, but I know there isn't any right now. I have responded to him that I would like more and better answers, but I certainly have no control over whether I will receive him. If I don't hear back from him then he truly isn't the man I thought he was. I will still harbor no ill will towards him, but it will make it much more difficult for me to pick myself up and move on.

Here ends segment one of today's post. By the end of the day will this post be as long as yesterday's? Good grief let's hope not.

Noon Update:
Part of me is worried about BJ. Some of the things he has done and said seem so completely out of character for him. That’s one reason it would help me to have answers. It would help me not to worry that there is something underlying recent events that is weird, sinister, strange, dangerous, not quite right.

I debate in my head how much to pursue the answers I want. It feels important to me to know. Others have confirmed that when they’ve faced similar breakups it was helpful when they knew, and extremely difficult to process when they didn’t know, so I know I’m not completely off the mark in wanting some answers here. However, I do not want to become stalkerish (which I could, way too easily, I fear). I wish there was a way to sit down with him face to face, have the conversation no matter how hurtful it might be, and then be able to walk away knowing what happened, face and feel the pain of it, and then move on to better things. I fear though that if I were to suggest meeting halfway between where we live, or to even suggest that I come to where he lives, that he would not want that.

I seek knowledge because knowledge helps me not make up stories in my head to fill the gaps. The stories I make up can get pretty well out there in the realm of wacky and sinister thanks to watching too many episodes of Law and Order, Cold Case, Without a Trace and other such shows.

What can I possibly do to persuade him to give me the answers I need? I don’t know. He holds all the power, and I hold none in this situation. He is the only one with the information. If he refuses to release it then I’m going to have to find a way to accept that and move on without it. Life is so damned hard.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Seed's Been Sown

So our marriage counselor replied to my email this evening. She was very supportive and understanding and is going to help me plan how to give W a letter I wrote to him months ago but haven't been able to actually hand to him.

I've tried telling him the things in the letter during discussions, but I've never been able to actually say them to him. I start. He rebuts. We digress. We argue. We agree to make one more try. We lather. We rinse. We repeat. I explained all of this to her in my email and given what she knows about me and my background she understands some of the underlying history that makes all of this so difficult for me.

So it is really going to happen. I am going to be completely free one of these days. I can't tell you the sigh of relief this brings to me.

In the meantime, K and I are working on setting up our next date. He's busy through this weekend, but hopefully early next week I can go work off some of my frustrations and help him work off some of his.

And I'm starting to think about the kind of person with whom I'd like to develop a long term serious relationship. The ideas are just starting to take shape in my head for right now. Maybe a future blog post will feature some of those thoughts once they're coherent. I'm thinking local and from my generation would be a good start. I'm also thinking that I won't be looking for that person for another year or so to give myself a chance to get through the grieving process over the end of the marriage and the end of my relationship with BJ.

Anybody wanna take bets on how many times I'll add to this post today? Given how early I'm starting it I'm thinking at least three. LOL

[1:03 a.m.]
Okay, didn't take long for me to add to this post. What can I say? Can't sleep. I've read all my regular blogs and then some. What's left but to dump every random thought from my head to the screen? So here I am.

Latest thought: Am I nuts?!? I'm not only going to go through a breakup with BJ but also with W all at the same time. What am I, a masochist? On the other hand, in some ways one pain almost distracts me from the other pain. Not to mention that when I get teary eyed W thinks it is over my emotions over the marital problems so I don't have to try to explain the tears away. Then again, I am putting myself into a position I have spent my entire life fearing and avoiding -- complete singleness and having to be self reliant. Scary, very scary. How will I ever take care of myself?

I'm also thinking that maybe I ought not to keep the house. Maybe in the divorce we should sell it, split the proceeds, and each get different places instead of me buying out his share of the equity. Maybe the feelings will lessen over time, but I can't help but think of BJ in this house. He walked through it with me last year, and sat in the sun room and had a picnic with me. Everyday since I moved in I've imagined BJ here with me, in this house. I've had so many plans in my mind. Now it just hurts to walk through the house and think about those plans. No decisions for now though. I don't want to make rash decisions. It is definitely something I want to think about seriously though.

Okay, going to go try going to bed and see if I can get some sleep.

[7:00 a.m.]
Many local schools have canceled classes today. That in and of itself isn't that unusual in winter, but usually it's for snow. Today it's just because it's cold. I don't ever remember school being canceled because of it being cold when I was young. We just bundled up and went. I don't get it. Is this supposedly a safety issue or what? I don't get it.

[7:15 p.m.]
Over the course of the day I wrote two more installments to today's post, but due to a crackdown on internet usage at work I had to wait until now to post them.

I wrote this before lunch:
I have moments where I feel:
I have this under control. I am moving on with my life, making strides in becoming an independent person, taking ownership of my life and finding ways to make this work for me so that I can finally be truly happy for a change. This is going to be okay.

Then I have these moments:
OMG, what am I doing?!? Why do I think I can live life without some man to lean on? What am I going to do? Aack!

Sometimes I alternate between these two types of moments multiple times an hour, even multiple times in a minute on occasion. I am a grown up. I can handle this. Breathe. Just breathe.

I started to think this thing through. Whatever was it about BJ leaving me that would cause me to immediately turn around and end my marriage? It seems counterintuitive to me in large part because I would have expected me to turn around and cling to the marriage out of fear of being alone. Then I realized that one lesson I learned from my relationship with BJ is that if/when I do meet the person I want to spend the rest of my life with I need to be free to pursue that relationship. At no time in the time I was with BJ was I really free to have a real relationship with him, although I could pretend it was so for a time last year when I was on my own in LNJ before W and N moved to join me. Anyway, if I turn back to the remnants of my marriage without seeing the prospect that it is ever going to be measurably better than it is now that leaves me in the awful position of (1) living an unhappy life, filled with yearning for something else and (2) unable to pursue any other serious relationships because I know with some certainty that they would be doomed just as surely as BJ’s and mine was. When I think of what I want in my life I want to find a man who will be a loving and intimate companion to me and a good role model for N. I can’t possibly find that as long as I leave myself tethered in a marriage that has become less marriage and more prison. I have made peace with this decision to pursue a divorce at this time. It is not a rash act. It is not a reactionary move. It is simply the best decision that can be made under the circumstances given the parameters I have laid out for myself. Another thing BJ taught me is that sometimes you just have to go with your gut feeling. That’s what I did here, went with my gut feeling and then figured out why later. That’s very different for me, to trust my gut feelings without analyzing and overanalyzing everything to death.

Okay, so I’m writing this in one of those first kinds of moments I talked about up there. The good news, I think, is that I’m working towards more of those kinds of moments than the second kind of moments. I had one of those earlier when I used a multitude of tissues as I sat very quietly sobbing at my desk while I composed an email reply to the counselor answering questions she asked me in her email to me last night.

Then in the middle of the afternoon this sprang forth:
The other day about a million years agolast weekend, N got a serious look on his face and asked me this question: “Do you ever get so stressed that you think it would just be better if you weren’t here, if you were already in heaven and didn’t have to hurt anymore?”

At that time my biggest concern personally was the healing of my foot. I was feeling good about my relationship with BJ. I knew I was on the brink of getting rid of W. After all, I’d been planning that talk for the night I got run over. So all in all, it was pretty easy for me to answer his question rather philosophically without undo angst over my answer.

“N,” I said, “I know those kinds of times. We all have them. One thing I can tell you without a doubt is that no matter how bad it seems sometimes and no matter how bad we feel there is a better day in the future, and if we didn’t live to see that better day we would have missed out on something good. Sometimes it seems like dying and going to heaven would be a great escape, but God doesn’t want us in heaven until we’ve spent our time on Earth learning the lessons He has for us to learn. Then when we’ve accomplished on Earth what He intended and He is ready to welcome us to heaven then death will come to us. It isn’t up to us to decide when death comes but God.” He and I then discussed his specific issues du jour and spent some time working on solutions to them.

I have thought back on those words I spoke the last few days many times. I’m sure many could have said it better, more eloquently, with more accuracy and attention to scriptural reference, but then again N didn’t ask for a sermon just my thoughts. I gave them to him as they came to me, and I have thought back on them over and over each time the thought flashes through my mind that this pain in my heart is unbearable. No it isn’t. It feels like it sometimes, but there is a brighter day waiting for me in my future. I just have to be patient, let the grieving process occur and wait for that brighter day to dawn. It’s out there. I know it is. In the meantime, I try to learn what lessons God can teach me out of my current situation, and seek His guidance as I move forward. I know there are those that disagree mightily with me and think I haven’t any right, as an adulteress, a liar, a soon-to-be divorcee, to invoke God’s name in this way, and that it isn’t right for me to turn to God as I am. I am grateful, mighty grateful, that God’s grace is there for even me. If your god isn’t big enough to repeatedly forgive, chasten, and love even the wretched like me then your god isn’t my God.

Some that read my blog may wonder why I get so wordy when the times are tough. It’s all about the jumble of thoughts running through my head. I get so overwhelmed sometimes by all the thoughts. If I can get a few of those thoughts down in writing then I can stop thinking about them so much because I know I can go back and read them anytime. I don’t have to remember them. It helps also to quell the tears and bring back peace to my soul. When I started writing this piece I was an absolute wreck, sitting teary-eyed, unable to focus on the task at hand. By taking a few minutes to throw lo these many words into written form, it has calmed me, allowing those thoughts their freedom and allowing my mind to return where it is needed, that being to finish the monthly reports. And with that, I will close here and head back to those reports with renewed concentration.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

If the Adjective Fits

Call me crazy, but I am flooded with relief this morning. I am flooded with relief because although BJ has not answered the questions I emailed him he has, after I used some embarrassingly harassing techniques (and no, I’m not the least bit proud of myself), agreed to provide the answers.

I do understand that some of the questions I asked probably won’t be terribly easy to answer and that it could take some time for him to answer them so I promised that if he could just give me a yes answer to the question “Will you answer the questions I emailed?” I would wait patiently for the answers and cease repeatedly haranguing him for answers.

So now I know that I will get answers, probably not answers I will like but answers nonetheless, and knowing that brings me a certain amount of peace in an otherwise decidedly not very peaceful place of mind. It helps to know that even though I don’t have the answers yet that I will at some point. Also, I think he is taking his time to answer the questions not because he wants me to suffer but because he wants to answer them to the best of his ability and to help me understand what happened.

BTW, I will probably not ever share my questions or his answers here on the blog. Like him I really prefer that there be no “he said, she said” between the two of us. It is what it is, and I really do accept that even though it hurts like hell. I have not tried, nor will I try no matter the answers he provides, to regain any foothold in his life. It is clear that he has moved on and so must I.

I will continue to blog the feelings and emotions, the ups and the downs, that go along with my journey but I will keep to myself the details of any interactions between BJ and me from this point forward. Although I’m sure from my blog and his you could choose to pick sides and decide which of us is the “good guy” and which the “bad guy” and some would come down on his side and some on mine. However, the truth is there are no bad guys or good guys here, just two humans who are trying to make their way in the world the best we know how. We both do some things well and some not so well. Please know that once I move through the process of grieving the loss of this relationship I will hold no ill will towards BJ, and I hope nobody else would on my account.

Early Evening Update: More craziness

For right or for wrong I took a step today in the ongoing battle within myself over the marriage. I sent an email to our marriage counselor outlining how I feel about the marriage (it’s over) and how I hate myself that I keep backing down and agreeing to try one more time, one more thing, yada yada. So it’s out there. The counselor now knows that I have lost all desire to put the marriage back together. Why did I do it? To force my hand, I guess. If she knows then I can no longer get by in the counseling sessions by backing down and wimping out. I will have to speak my truth. I should be able to speak my truth without resorting to such measures, but somehow the words always stick in my throat. I guess I’m trying to back myself into such a small corner that there is no other way out, because after wimping out one more time at counseling last night I absolutely can’t imagine how else I am going to force myself to do this thing that I want so very badly.

Afterthoughts (warning: extreme pity party ahead)
And why do I even care that I am hurting W in all of this? Nobody else seems to care that they hurt me. Why shouldn’t I look out just for #1? Why is it so hard for me to develop that attitude? Why do I try so damned hard to make sure everybody else is happy when they don’t do the same for me?

Situation Normal

Wow. I woke up again today. Everything continues on as usual. Nothing is really different. I'm here, with W and N. BJ is 400 miles away. It's still the same as it has been.


BJ is no longer a phone call, or email, or IM away from me. I am no longer in his heart.

When did that change for him? I don't know. I wish I did, but he won't reply to my email asking for more information. I can only assume that somehow he feels that it is better for me if he doesn't answer me. Maybe he thinks that to answer my questions would only bring me further hurt. Maybe he's right, but I can't get those questions out of my head. Even if it would hurt me I want those answers. Yes, it might hurt, but maybe there is something I could learn from it. Maybe I could move on with knowledge that would help me to better myself for the next relationship.

I want to believe he's just a jerk, a coward for breaking things off as he did. However, I know him better than that, or I thought I did. What I thought I knew about him is that he is a caring person and that it hurts him to hurt me. Maybe it hurts him so badly to hurt me that he couldn't bring himself to end it other than through a terse email. Is he hurting at any level 400 miles away? Or is he relieved to have it over and done with and be able to move on? I don't know. I may never know.

Wow. Life just keeps going on as usual. How weird is that?

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Ain't Gonna Be an Easy Day

4:00 a.m.
I haven't slept all night. I tossed and turned in bed for a long time, and then finally got up, got on the laptop, played a few computer games, checked for email, checked my favorite blogs, and now here I sit. Maybe I'll go back to bed and try it again. I'll just keep coming back to this entry and updating it today. Otherwise I'm afraid I'd end up with two dozen posts in one day.

7:40 a.m.
I slept a grand total of less than two hours last night. That should make for a grand day at work. I feel a huge hole in my heart. If I could come up with an excuse I'd stay home from work today.

11:30 a.m
My body took care of the excuse. I came home a little while ago because I am nauseous and experiencing explosive diarrhea. I think it's a reaction to the emotional distress.

While I was at work I marveled that the world just keeps moving on in spite of my crushed heart. Life goes on as before, and who can I talk to about this devastating event in my life? Nobody, nobody but you dear internet. Wow. It hurts. I imagine to myself that it would hurt less if I had found out through more than the following email:
I have agonized over this for awhile now. There is no good way of doing this. When you mentioned last week on the phone you felt something was up I know you could sense it in my voice. I am falling hard for another woman. It is nothing that was planned at all. I've gone over and over this in my head and in my heart. I wanted to make sure what I was feeling was real and not based on anything other than feelings for her.


That was it. The sum total of all that he said is right there. I received the email at work about 10 minutes before quitting time and about a half hour before I had to pick up N from the day camp he attends when school is not in session. Do you have any idea how hard it is to smile and cheerfully ask about N’s day when you’ve had less than an hour to even process in your head that life as you know it has changed so unexpectedly?

At dinner I lost it. I sobbed, in front of N and W. It was precipitated by the typical bickering between N and W. It was just too much, the straw that broke the camel’s back. We got N finished up with dinner and ensconced in the family room engrossed in a movie on DVD. W and I then proceeded to have our meltdown. Much hurt and venom was spewed back and forth but all in measured tones of sadness. Never was there yelling. We just sat across the dining table discussing in the most civilized tones the fact that I have been unfaithful and will continue to be so. I shared some of the hurts I have suffered as I have tried to establish relationships within the bi community (some of which I have shared here, but most I have not). I did not share that I have been unfaithful with other men, however I made it clear that it is my intention to seek physical solace from other men from now on. Maybe I was a coward, but would it have served any good purpose to bring up the other men I’ve slept with in the last two years? From the look on his face, I think he pretty well suspects that there have been men in my life. It’s just something he doesn’t acknowledge outwardly, and with N not terribly far away I just wasn’t prepared to lay all the dirty laundry on the table. However, tonight at counseling that may change. At a certain point (when N’s movie was over) we agreed to table further discussion until tonight. Tonight N will not be within earshot. Tonight we can air whatever it takes to move this process along. I feel myself becoming stronger, and it wasn’t nearly as scary last night discussing the prospect of W and me splitting up as it has been in the past. I’m learning. I’m learning to look out for #1 and screw everybody else. I’m learning that nobody is going to look out for me except me. So when it came right down to it I decided that I will no longer hide my future infidelities from W. When I go see K I may not share with him the details, but it will be no secret that I am going out to spend time with another man.

Now, while W spends the next couple of months seeing if he can make things better, or decide where to live if not, I will be taking stock and deciding what I want. I spent a good deal of time two years ago running around like a chicken with her head cut off grasping for goodness knows what – safety, comfort, solace, pleasure. Then I got pulled up short by my relationship with BJ. I idealized the situation (and on a certain level knew that I was idealizing it), and I set aside what I wanted for what we wanted together. Certainly there was a good deal of synergy in what we both wanted, but as with any couple there are differences too. Now I want to sit back and take stock and decide what it is that I, Trueself, really want and as I said I intend to go for what I want come hell or high water and screw everyone else. Everybody else does so why shouldn’t I?

In the meantime while I’m taking stock I’ve got K as a very fine FWB to keep the physical urges satisfied. What I will not, repeat, will not do is fall for K. No, no, no. For now men are for a purpose and that purpose has nothing whatsoever to do with emotion. So sue me.

2:00 p.m.
Shit. This day is impossibly hard and so very very long. I hate that the tears flow so easily and often. Why can't I just take a nap or something? I hate my life.

7:00 p.m.
Well, I finally ended up taking a two hour nap late this afternoon. W fixed me a bowl of oatmeal for dinner at my request, and so far it hasn't upset my stomach. I really think the diarrhea was more related to the emotional stuff than anything else. I asked BJ in an email last night some questions so that I can better understand what happened. So far I've gotten no response, and it's driving me nuts. I really want answers to those questions. W and I have counseling in an hour. I wonder how that's going to go.

10:30 p.m.
Fuck. I am so fucking tired of fucking myself over in counseling. One more fucking time I agree to give the fucking marriage one more fucking try. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Run Over Again

Not a car this time though. No, this time BJ blindsided me with a Dear Jane email this afternoon. It seems he's fallen in love with someone else.

Oof. This hurts worse than being hit by a car.

Way worse.

Not that I didn't deserve it. I did. I warned him that once he saw the real me he wouldn't continue to want me. I just wish he'd believed me instead of promising me that wouldn't happen.


I'm still shell shocked but am starting to come to terms with it. This is in some ways easier to take than earlier breakups with BJ. At least this time he isn't saying that he still loves me. If he has fallen out of love with me then we really don't belong together. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't love me with all their heart. I do wish that he would have been as honest with me as I was with him about things. I did feel him pulling away last week, but I chalked it up to my usual paranoia. I thought he was just missing me because we hadn't been together in a while. Turns out he wasn't missing me at all and was looking for a way to tell me goodbye.

Well, boy oh boy, don't you know I'll be blogging like crazy as my emotions go for the roller coaster ride again. Shall we all strap ourselves in and secure all loose items?


Gee, what better time to have a big discussion/argument/brouhaha with W than the very evening that I lost the man I love. So we did. We had it out, sort of. I won't get into all the gory details, but I did admit losing a lover today although he made the assumption it was one of the girls from the bi group and I didn't correct him. We've left it that I have the right to pursue any outside relationship I want and that he's got a couple of months to make things better both with how he treats N and with how he treats me. If things don't agree that things are getting better then he will leave. I know it is one of my weaknesses, but if BJ were still in the picture, I would not have hesitated to tell him to get out now yet because he is not I couldn't bring myself to not hold onto some little shred of something.

And yes, I know this is somewhat of a repeat of prior conversations. The only real difference this time is that I've made it clear that with or without his approval or permission I will have at least one FWB on the side.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Quiet Weekend

And cold. It has been very cold here, hovering around 0 or so. It was a good weekend to stay inside and hibernate. It was also a good weekend for pipes to burst and to pay plumbers a lot of money to stem the tide. It did make a lovely ice sculpture on the fence in the side yard.

N got to spend the night last night with a friend from school. It just so happens that this friend is the son of an Olympic athlete and a former NFL player. N had a great time. It was good for him to be around a family as athletic as he is. It's kind of a shame he ended up with parents of the most unathletic kind.

I slept a lot this weekend, napping both yesterday afternoon and this afternoon. Napping is a wonderful thing, very healing.

Nothing eventful happened this weekend. Healing from a mashed foot is just not that much fun.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

From Hugs to Kisses

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

You Should Wear Plum Lip Gloss

Sassy, seductive, and a little dangerous.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Just What the Doctor Ordered

I went to see my doctor today to check up on the foot and leg, you know the one injured when the car ran over it. The leg has started to hurt and is tender up the front of the shin so yesterday I called, talked to the nurse and made an appointment for today to see the doctor.

I found out at the appointment that the shin is very tender if someone touches it in certain places. I’ve done my best all week not to touch it more than absolutely necessary. The doctor took a different approach. He touched it. Not only did he touch it but he gently pushed here and there as he worked his way from ankle to knee. At one point I said something like ow or ouch to which he asked if that was a tender spot. Being that I’m not the least bit sarcastic ever, I wanted to say “No, I’m just rehearsing lines for a play I’m in about a woman who gets run over by a car,” but instead said “Yeah, a little.”

Since this wasn’t, of course, the doctor I had seen in the emergency room last week I got to repeat my story for the 374th time since it happened. I hope to never ever tell anyone the story again. I’m tired of it. It always ends the same way. I’d like a new story please. (Can you tell I’ve developed some grumpiness here? Or perhaps it’s more churlishness, bitchiness, irritation, frustration, or just a pissy mood. Whatever.)

Fortunately, either the doctor is used to grumpy people in pain or just has a fabulously calm and easy demeanor. Either way he was wonderful to me once he stopped poking and prodding the leg. First off he gave me a prescription for a lovely anti-inflammatory medicine that is supposed to help the swelling that is causing the pain. Second, and best of all, he encouraged me to continue elevating the foot as much as possible and making everyone else wait on me hand foot. Both the prescription and the recommendation to take it easy are good for the next couple of weeks.

Now, would you mind getting me a glass of ice water please? Oh and a few more pillows for the foot would be nice. Where’s the newspaper? Oh, and one more thing, here’s my dishes from earlier that you can take to the kitchen for me. Thanks. After all, I’m just following doctor’s orders.

Thursday, January 17, 2008


Hugs are wonderful things. I wish there were more hugs in my life. It’s sad that N is now at the age where hugs from him are much rarer than they used to be. Not that a kid hug is an adequate substitute for a grownup hug, but even bread tastes great to someone starving.

My mom used to talk about the kids that she taught at school and how some kids wanted to give her a hug every single time they saw her. She thought those kids probably didn’t get too many hugs at home. It caused something of a problem for her because teachers have to be so very careful these days about not being accused of inappropriate behavior. She wanted to hug those kids, and she thought they needed it. She talked of stiffening involuntarily each time it happened, though, because of the fear of accusation. The fear meant she would limit herself to a pat on the back for the child without really much returning the hug.

I find that story to be particularly sad given how much I long for hugs these days. I also find it sad that while my mom is a big believer in hugging kids, she and my dad are not so much believers in it once the kids get to a certain age. I can scarcely recall hugs from either of my parents after my elementary school years. I know they didn’t hug me when they took me off to college my freshman year. I know because I remember the empty feeling it left with me that they said goodbye and just walked out of my dorm room. I wanted a hug then, just like you always see in the movies.

In the movies and TV, families hug. Families come together for an event and hug one another as they greet one another. Families leave events after hugging goodbye. But then TV and movies are just fantasy. The reality, or at least my reality, is that there are very few hugs in this world. W used to hug me, or maybe it’s just that he used to hug back when I hugged him. Now that I no longer initiate hugs with W, there are no hugs. N hugged me when I was in the emergency room last week. It was nice. He’s also hugged me a bit more this last week than he had been lately. He’s a good kid.

I have wondered sometimes about the homeless man who hangs out near my workplace. I wonder if anybody ever gives him a hug, and I wonder what his reaction would be if someone did. It is only my fear of the unknown that prevents me from walking up to him and hugging him sometimes. He looks like he could use a hug, even more than I could.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


There’s only one way to describe it: Weird.

Weird is how I felt when N told me that he wanted a picture of my foot to show his friends because they don’t believe I was really hit by a car. I felt even weirder when, after I refused his request, he asked if he could invite them over to see it in person.

Weird is how I felt this morning when I drove past the spot in the parking lot at work where it happened. The last two days W had driven me to work and dropped me off at the door. Today was the first day I drove myself and the first time I returned to “the scene of the crime.” It is almost impossible to describe the feeling I had as I drove past that spot. After I parked I walked the long way around so I wouldn’t walk past the spot. It had never even occurred to me before that I would have that kind of reaction to the place where it happened.

Weird is how it feels every time I go to walk across a street, or through a parking lot, anywhere there is traffic at all. I look both ways, over and over, before crossing. I continue to look both ways as I’m crossing. I look at every vehicle suspiciously as though it might just come after me at any moment.

Rationally this feels like an overreaction to me. I tell myself to get over it. On the other hand, I feel strong resistance within me to letting go of it. It scared me, and I mean really scared me. I was so very lucky that so little injury occurred, and although I’ve tried to play it off as “no big deal” it is a big deal in my head. It is and yet I chide myself for being such a wimp. I’m dealing with nothing compared to others who deal with much worse.

So for now, when people ask “How are you?” and I reply “Doing pretty well, thanks.” I’m really thinking “Weird. That’s how I am. Weird.”

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

A Post for When There's Nothing to Post

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny.
Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it.
And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

You Are a Drama Princess (or Prince)

You're not over the top dramatic, but you have your moments.
You know how to steal the spotlight...
And how to act out to get your way.

People around you know that you're good for a laugh.
But at times, your drama gets a bit too much for everyone.
Tone it down a tad, and you'll still be the center of attention.

Your Worry Factor is 68%

The amount you worry is definitely borderline unhealthy.
Even when things are going well, you find yourself fixating on the negatives.
Try to remember the times you've been able to let your worries go.
If you can do that again, you'll be much happier!

Your Social Anxiety Level: 64%

You have high social anxiety.
You have a pretty serious social phobia, and it effects your life more than you may realize.
It's possible that you've made yourself comfortable by avoiding situations you dread.
But don't be fooled - you still probably need professional help.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Mishmash of Thoughts

It was hard going back to work today. My foot and leg are hurting after having it down much of the workday, not to mention the restroom is a lot farther from my cubicle than my bathroom is from my family room at home. One thing I learned today is that at work I will forever be known as "the lady who got run over in the parking lot." I feel so honored.

Since BJ introduced me to the Calorie Count website I've been faithfully tracking my daily food intake. So far my worst day has been a C, my best an A, and so far my average is B. I'm wondering if maybe I don't really need to do the liquid diet after all. Maybe I've gotten myself back on track. It would certainly be cheaper to do it myself than do the medically supervised thing. Then again, I like the jumpstart the liquid diet could give me. Decisions, decisions. . .

The claims investigator for the driver's insurance company called to tell me today that they have determined their insured is at fault (no shit sherlock) so they will assume financial responsibility for the damages. If I really wanted to get nasty, I suppose I could try to insist on a bigger payment for pain and suffering than what they are offering. I suppose there are those people in the world who would try to make a little profit out of this misfortune. I am not one of those people. When the investigator made his offer to me of all medical bills already incurred plus one day's pay for my missed day at work plus a small amount for my pain and suffering, I decided to accept it without negotiation. If they had offered less than they offered I would have negotiated, but because the amount offered to me was very similar to the amount I had in mind to request it seemed petty to fight over it. I'm really not that badly hurt so any compensation to me beyond actual medical bills seems like a good deal to me. So was it worth it to have my foot run over to get a little extra cash? Nope, not at all, no matter how much money they might have offered.

Today is the first day that it has been difficult for me to keep up with Blog 365. If it weren't for the fact that I signed up to post every day for a year I'd have probably posted nothing today. Turns out I had a lot to say for someone with nothing to say.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Warning: Whiny Bitch Ahead

So here I am, convalescing from being hit by a car. One might think being hit by a car, even a slow-moving one in a parking lot, would be cause for others within the household to want to care for the injured party.

To some extent, this has proven true. N has served me breakfast in bed two days in a row. W went and retrieved my car from the parking lot at work. W has also, begrudgingly, provided lunch and dinner each day since I was hurt. Other than that, I am pretty much left on my own to fend for myself. Nobody feels that they should provide me with companionship, someone with whom to converse or anything more than the occasional walk by to ask if I'm okay.

It's pretty much me, the laptop, the TV, and the phone, and we all know how much I love the phone. Of course, I have enjoyed talking to BJ on the phone each day. We've probably spoken for an hour or so each day since it happened, but today he is having a late Christmas celebration at his parents' house and has to help his daughter with something this evening so I'm all alone.

I'm bored. I don't feel that bad until I stop elevating my bad foot. After a few minutes of having it down it starts to hurt so it limits what I can do. I'm bored.

Maybe it's my fault nobody wants to spend time with me. Maybe I'm just that repulsive to everyone. I sure wish there was somebody out there somewhere willing to spend part of their Sunday afternoon with me. Sigh. . .

And just had another thought:
I've used this accident as an excuse not to wear a bra for the last three days. I figured if you have to be miserable you might as well be comfy doing it. You don't suppose having to look at me in my braless state has turned people off do you? I mean, it isn't as though I'm showing anything off here as I've been wearing loose shirts. Oh, and I did shower this morning too so I don't think I'm keeping people away for olfactory reasons.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Archive Meme

I’ve been tagged (a while ago) by StinkyPaw with an “Archive Meme”. I figured that while I'm sitting here recuperating I might as well spend some time perusing my archives and completing the task.

What is an archive meme you may ask? It’s a great way to resurface some of the great older posts everyone has written, return to a few great places in our memories and also learn a little something about ourselves and each other that we may not know.

Here are the instructions:

1) Go back through your archives and post the links to your five favorite blog posts that you've written. But there is a catch:
a) Link 1 must be about family.
b) Link 2 must be about friends.
c) Link 3 must be about yourself, who you are... what you're all about.
d) Link 4 must be about something you love.
e) Link 5 can be about anything you choose.

2) Post your five links and then tag five other people. At least TWO of the people you tag must be newer acquaintances so that you get to know each other better.

Well, it took me a while but here’s the best I could find from the slim pickings known as my blog:

Favorite post about family: How People Can Turn Their Backs on Their Family

Favorite post about friends: Accepting Friendship Where It Comes

Favorite post about who I am: If It's Really So Bad, Why Did I Stay So Long?

Favorite post about something I love: I'm Here

Favorite post of my choice: Possibly the Only HNT in Which I Will Ever Participate

Now we come to the hardest part, to tag 5 people. Here are my 5 (if you've done this one already or you're just not into memes, no worries, it's optional, it won’t count toward your final grade):

1. BJ
2. The Silent Male
3. Serenity
4. Mr. & Mrs. M-D
5. Bunny

Don’t forget to read the archive posts and leave comments!

Friday, January 11, 2008


Hanging out at home today with my foot propped up.

My supervisor called to find out how I was doing.

So did the head of our department.

So did BJ.

So did the bodily injury claims investigator from the insurance company of the woman who hit me.

I'm way more popular hurt than I ever was healthy. LOL

I'm sore today, but it isn't as bad as I feared it might be. Of course, I'm not even 24 hours into this so we'll see.

In the meantime I'm just relaxing in my recliner, foot propped up on three pillows, and feeling just a bit guilty that I'm being cared for by the very man I don't want here anymore.

Here's a picture of the foot. Yes, the one that was run over. I think it looks remarkably good considering.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Car 1, Pedestrian 0

I left work today intending to have a busy evening. I needed to get home, have a quick dinner, get N to wrestling practice and get myself to a PTA meeting. I was also intending to sit down with W after PTA and tell him for real that the marriage is over. Yes, it was going to be a busy evening.

I walked out of the office and headed across the parking lot. It was already dark, and it was raining. It wasn't a heavy rain but enough to be annoying. As I walked across the lot I saw a car headed in my direction but had no idea that the car's driver was not paying attention. I was walking close to the curb and the car was coming up an aisle on my right. I thought it would stop at the end of the aisle. The driver said she never saw me. Well, it's not like I'm not a huge target. Also I had on light colored clothing. I suspect she wasn't keeping her eyes on what she was doing. She hit me with the front driver side corner of her car. As I was falling I felt the front tire run over my right foot. Then I was flat on my back on the cold wet pavement. She got out of her car and asked me if I was okay, but then said no of course not. Several people approached and I looked up at them in a daze. It just happened that a woman who looked familiar to me came to my side and started to take over, asking questions about what happened, where I hurt, who could she call and thge like. I wanted to tell her to call BJ, but he couldn't be there for me. Also, I thought I should wait and call him after I knew how bad off I was since he couldn't be with me. I knew W and N were expecting me home so I asked her to call them. I kept trying to place the helpful woman, but I was a little shaken up and couldn't think of who she was. I knew I knew her. It was only when she called W and introduced herself that I heard her say her name. Of course! The VP of Human Resources of our company. There is nobody better to have as a witness to a possible workers comp claim than the VP of HR.

As I gathered my wits about me, I started to mentally assess my injuries. My foot, obviously, was hurt, and my shoe had come off and gone goodness knows where. My foot wasn't hurting too badly yet. However, my upper lip was hurting like hell. I reached up and realized it was split as thow someone had punched me real good. How had that happened? I had no idea and still don't although I think perhaps something in my hand, either my keys or a casserole dish from a lunch potluck caught me in the mouth when I got hit. Did I hurt anywhere else? I made a mental tour of my body. Nope, everything else seemed to be okay.

The police arrived, followed by fire and rescue. We had lights. We had sirens. It was just like them there TV shows. I was the center of attention, surrounded by coworkers and rescue personnel and random strangers walking by. We had everything but the yellow crime tape. They loaded me into the ambulance and whisked me away to the local ER. As they wheeled me into the ER one of the nurses said that they'd had quite the rash of pedestrians hit by cars today. Apparently, we pedestrian casualties were a dime a dozen today.

Two hours later I was out of the ER with a splint on my ankle and hobbling on crutches. I was still clad in my soaking wet clothes and was thrilled to get home and change into a nightgown and plop down in my recliner with the footrest way up high.

So here I sit, busted lip and swollen bruised foot and ankle. I hurt. They offered me Vicodin at the hospital, but I turned it down. I've used it a few times in the past, and I feel worse with it than without it. I took three Advil when I got home. I suppose I'd feel worse without it. Tomorrow I'll probably hurt worse than now, but then it should start to get better.

Little Bright Spots

  • I finally registered to vote and got my drivers license in LNJ, only 11 months after moving here.

  • K and I spent a couple of hours together a couple of evenings ago. That man does have some mighty fine technique. Yes indeed. I must say my abs and thighs are still sore from the (ahem) aerobic exercise we got.

  • The Christmas tree has been dismantled and stowed away for next year leaving room to actually walk through the living room.

  • I weighed in yesterday and weigh 324.5 pounds. I have lost a pound and a half since November 16. Not bad considering I wasn’t trying to lose, and the holidays were right in that time frame.

  • I'm brave enough to announce my actual weight on my anonymous blog.

  • The sun is shining today.

  • I am starting to make plans to attend a weeklong retreat in the late spring. . . in California. . . by the bay. . . with someone special. . .

  • K has participated in the past in the weight loss program that I am going to start soon. He has nothing but praise for it.

See? Life ain’t all bad.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

That's how I feel that my life is going these days. I do feel forward progress, but I also feel that it is slowed quite a bit by the backwards steps I do take here and there.

I know there is a spectrum of behavior that ranges from always defering to someone else's opinion all the way to never defering to someone else's opinion. I believe our current president is a good example of this last end of the spectrum. He will not be swayed from his beliefs no matter the evidence (with the exception of course if one of his "inner circle" can persuade him). For most of my life I have been on the other end of the spectrum. If you and I disagreed I would most likely bow to your belief even if it was a factual matter and I knew I had facts to back me. If it was simply an opinion or point of view I would definitely defer mine for yours.

Now I'm trying to find the equalibrium point on this scale of behavior. I fear that I am going to go way off to the other end of the spectrum before finding that point, but that is the goal, to find the proper balance between listening to and weighing other's viewpoints and asserting my own viewpoint, to learn the fine art of respectfully disagreeing and to decide when it is appropriate and inappropriate to draw a line in the sand.

I am, as I mentioned in my last post, not perfect by any means. I make plenty of mistakes, probably more than most. However, I have to start trusting my judgment more and relying less on others to make my decisions for me. I guess it is unfortunate for me that I have waited so late in life for this personal growth, but better late than never. I suppose it is also unfortunate that BJ is impacted by this phase of my personal growth. Perhaps it would be better for him for me to bow out of his life altogether until I get myself together better. So far I am too selfish to do that, but perhaps that would be the kindest thing I could do for him. Nobody should be stuck dealing with a mess like me.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

So Much Turmoil

It very well may be that I am making up in my mind huge mountains out of tiny little molehills. However, in keeping with my new mindset of living life for myself and striving to make myself happy, I am determined to deal with things that bother me instead of ignoring them or deferring to others’ opinions. If it is important to me, it is important whether it is large or small.

I have recently posted several times -- here, here, and here -- where I have referenced things that I wasn’t at that time prepared to share with anyone. They all had to do with two separate but maybe related issues that I was dealing with in my head. Part of the reason I couldn’t share them was that I couldn’t quite articulate what it was, and now I’m to the point where I’ve wrapped my mind around it enough to make some level of sense of it and be able to articulate it. The other part of the reason I couldn’t share was that it was something that I wanted to work out in my head before sharing it with BJ, and since he reads this blog I had to wait until I had talked to him about it before writing it out (or at least publishing what I’d written).

The issue revolves around weight and weight loss. Both BJ and I are of “some size.” Well, hell, let’s just put it out there. BJ has mentioned on his blog that he weighs in excess of 300 lbs. So do I. I got down to 200 lbs. a few years ago and hovered there for several months, but have regained much of my weight (not going to go into the reasons for that here, but I am pretty clear in my head what happened).

Several months ago BJ decided to have weight loss surgery, and that precipitated my decision to break off our relationship. I later decided that I didn’t want to lose BJ, and that the line in the sand that I had drawn about not being with someone who would have weight loss surgery should be thrown out the window. Now truth be told I still harbored that line in the sand and held out hope that I could gently convince BJ not to go through with it. As a matter of fact, the last time we were together face to face, he said that he would be willing to sacrifice having the weight loss surgery if it was a deal breaker for me. Trying to be the “nice guy” (God, I hate that I do that) I told him that it was a decision he should make for himself, and that I would accept whatever decision he made. I assumed (I know, I know, never assume) that he would make the “right” decision and not go through with it. However, he decided to go ahead and go through with it and never told me that outright but casually mentioned it one day when talking about a project at work and how he would have to schedule his surgery around it. Ouch. That hurt me in two ways – first that he was having the surgery in spite of knowing my feelings about it and second that rather than sitting down and talking to me about it and explaining to me why he had made the decision he just blindsided me with it. In a way, I suppose that was an effective strategy because it pretty much prevented me from having further input. However, allowing issues like that to fester isn’t ever healthy and eventually they come back up, and I will get back to that later in the post.

Now it happened that in this same time frame I had a physical and expressed my frustrations with my weight with my doctor. He referred me to a nutritionist within the medical practice. She and I met and discussed various options that I could pursue. Among those options was weight loss surgery which I dismissed out of hand and she wholeheartedly supported my position. Another option was to join the medical practice’s weight management clinic. This option sounded interesting to me, and as they have regularly scheduled free orientation sessions to learn more about the program I called and made an appointment. When I went to the orientation, I learned about various options they have, that it is not just one program fits all, but is somewhat tailored for individual situations and desired outcomes. The option that most appealed to me was the one that would result in the quickest weight loss because I really feel that now that I have my head in a better place that I am better equipped to sustain whatever weight loss I can achieve. This option happens to entail a first phase of a medically supervised regimen of meal replacements along with exercise. I talked both to BJ and to W about what I had learned and what I was considering. Neither seemed to think it was a great idea. I was crushed but didn’t let on to either of them how I felt. I gave up on the idea, and resentment started to build.

Then I started to wonder why it is that if BJ can go have weight loss surgery without my support why should I have to have his support to go about losing weight the way I want to. Surely using meal replacements for a limited number of weeks is no worse for me than weight loss surgery is for him. At least this way, I am not doing something that would be difficult to reverse. I can stop at any time and return to eating real food. I just want to use this as kind of a timeout for myself, a way to stop the madness that is my current eating pattern, and then focus on returning to eating in a moderated and healthy way in the future. That’s what this program does, works on reintegrating real food at a certain point in the program while teaching healthier habits. They also work with you on the underlying issues of your weight problem, recognizing that there is a psychological element to overeating for many of us.

I want to focus on health, not weight. I want to be healthy. I want to feel fit. I want to get back to how I felt when I had lost so much weight a few years ago. I don’t really care what the number on the scale says. I care about feeling well and strong. Looks ain’t what do it for me. Health is of number one importance. The last time I lost weight I got discouraged because I couldn’t get “thin enough” to meet the requirements of the program I used. I stalled out at 200 and rather than rejoicing at having gotten 140 lbs off I deemed myself a failure because I couldn’t get down to my goal weight of 144 (the “recommended” maximum weight for my height). Yet how much healthier would I have been if I had maintained at 200 rather than allowing myself to go back up? So this time it will be different. This time the focus is going to be on my health. I don’t care if I weigh 120 or 220 or 320 as long as my blood pressure is low, my asthma is in check (I rarely used my inhaler at 200 lbs but use it much more at 300 lbs), my cholesterol is low, my energy, strength and stamina return. Those are the guiding forces behind changing my eating. Who cares what the scale says? You don’t like what I look like? Go screw yourself.

After writing a rough draft of this post yesterday I sent it to BJ. I sent it to him to open a discussion between the two of us because I wasn’t being very successful opening a discussion any other way. In his reply, he offered me wholehearted support for my weight loss plan. He made no mention, none whatsoever, of the part about his weight loss surgery. When we talked on the phone yesterday afternoon, I decided that I had to bring up the weight loss surgery. It wasn’t easy for me to do. I have very conflicting feelings about the situation. On the one hand I think weight loss surgery is wrong, an unnecessary invasion of the body that will shorten rather than prolong life. On the other hand I think that if BJ is convinced that this is the best way to handle his personal situation then he should be allowed to do it. Having agonized over this all weekend long, I came to the conclusion that I should not try to prevent BJ from having the surgery, but I also knew that I had to be honest with him that try as I might I have not been able to bring myself to feel comfortable that I could be in a long term relationship with someone who had weight loss surgery. I told him that perhaps after the surgery, in a year or two, if everything went swimmingly and he was doing really well that I might be able to come around. I know that sounds selfish to basically say that I’ll love you if you are healthy but not if you aren’t. However, I just can’t bring myself to get beyond the resentment I would feel if he were not healthy due to a decision he made for an elective surgery. A weakness on my part? It very well may be. I’m not perfect by any means. I explained to him that we may have reached an issue that was irresolvable between us. He deserves to do the things that make him happy and fulfilled. I deserve to not live with the awful feelings that I have about this procedure. We both have the right to our opinions, to have vastly different opinions, and perhaps this was an impasse that meant that we truly aren’t meant to be together. I feel a certain amount of guilt that I can’t wholeheartedly support him in this endeavor, but I can’t continue to live my life as I have in the past where I defer my feelings for the feelings of others and allow resentment to build. I want a different kind of life than that. I want to deal with things honestly and acknowledge difficulties rather than ignoring them.

The good news (is it really good news?) is that BJ has reconsidered his decision and is going to start a diet program that he had researched some before. Why do I question whether this is good news? Because I don’t want him to ever resent me for having kept him from doing something he wanted to do. Because I don’t want him to look back and regret having chosen a relationship with me over having weight loss surgery. Because I don’t believe that he has really closed the door on the option of weight loss surgery, and I could foresee in the future this whole issue cropping up again, and I don’t want to commit in any long term way to someone who might decide that the surgery was necessary in spite of my feelings about it.

Sigh. . . life just really isn’t easy.