WikiHow I Most Need to Read and Follow

How to Talk to Strangers

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Walking up to people you don't know and striking up conversation is the social equivalent of skydiving. It's fun, interesting, and risky. And it will change your life. You’ll meet new people every day, you’ll give yourself control over your social and love life, and you’ll experience firsthand the joy of living dangerously. But how do you go from sitting in front of a computer to habitually starting conversations with strangers on a daily basis? Read on, aspiring social skydiver, read on...

Steps

1. Let go of your ego. Prepare to be told to "$#&! off!" Prepare to be ignored. Prepare to be brushed off in dramatic fashion. But also prepare to meet (and possibly date) people of unique vintage and beauty. When you take the risk of talking to someone you don’t know, rejection is the only certainty. But failure is exciting–-it’s a chance to learn and improve. So when you're out and about, leave the ego behind and keep the following in mind:
   
   • People don’t bite. A lot of people are really open to conversation. In fact, you’d be amazed at how many people will be practically overjoyed that you came and talked to them, as if they’ve been waiting for you to approach them.
     
   • Rejection is no big deal. This can't be emphasized enough. Still, fear of rejection will be the main reason why people don’t go out and try this. If you are willing to get rejected, brush it off and keep going, you will have an awesome life. Period.
     
   • The people around you aren’t watching you approach strangers. And, even when they are, it’s usually in shock and awe, rather than because they’re laughing at you.
     
   
   
2. Keep your conversations fairly organic. Don't come in with “canned material”, “nuclear attraction” routines, or other social robotics. The best way to make a connection with someone is to come from the heart and live fully in the moment. What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Socializing is about exchanging energy, not being a wordsmith. When in doubt, just say “Hi”. If you’ve never done this before, you may get brushed off several, even dozens of times until you get really comfortable being yourself in front of other people.
   
3. If you’re still terrified by the idea of talking to strangers, challenge yourself to talk to one stranger a day, every day, for 30 days. If you’re walking past someone on the sidewalk, say “Hi”, and the person looks at you and keeps walking (done that many times), your job is done for the day. If you walk up to a girl in a club and say “Hey!”, and she responds, with a slightly grossed out look “I have a boyfriend.”, congratulations, you’re one step closer to improving your love life. The point of this exercise is to get you used to talking to people you don’t know and form the habit of being more social.
   
4. Go out to social events by yourself. That’s right. Don’t invite anyone along. No one needs to know where you’re going. You don’t need permission from your girlfriend or boyfriend. You just need to choose to make right now a lot more exciting than yesterday. Your goal for this outing should be just one simple thing: Amuse yourself. You don’t need to get any phone numbers. In fact, you need even make no guarantee that you’ll actually talk to anyone. Don’t scare yourself into submission before you’ve even left the house. This event be something that interests you. If you claim you “can’t find anything good” you aren’t looking hard enough. Here are some ideas:
   
   • Art Shows
     
   • Book Readings
     
   • Rock Concerts
     
   • Museum Exhibitions
     
   • “Beginners Night” Dance Classes
     
   • Speed Dating
     
   • Outdoor Festivals
     
   • Geek Gatherings
     
   • Parades/Rallies/Protests
     
   
   

Tips

• If you do this enough, you’ll eventually get comfortable being yourself around people. While you should expect your first time to be really scary, even lame perhaps, see the bigger picture. Do you really think you’ll still be just as horrified once you’ve done this 10 times? 100 times? 1000 times? Planting yourself in social situations actually makes talking to strangers become the path of least resistance. In fact, you’ll look a lot more strange if you aren’t talking to people.
  
• Being willing to go out by yourself gives you more control over your social life. It means you can make a decision about what you want to do on a given night, even if nobody else wants to or is available to join you. Suddenly, those awkward moments of waiting around like a loser for your friend to show up at some social gathering become opportunities to meet new people.
  

Warnings

• You will encounter all of the following problems, but the sooner you push through them, the sooner you'll realize how harmless they really are:
  
  • You won’t know what to say when you approach people.
    
  • You might end up standing around like a loser.
    
  • You’ll be almost visibly shaking for the first few people you approach.
    
  • Some people will think you’re creepy.
    
  • Some people will think you’re weird because you’re not out with your friends.
    
  • You’ll tell yourself, “Oh my God! This is too hard! I think I’ll just rent a movie instead.”
    
  
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Make Friends
  
• How to Go from Introvert to Extrovert
  
• How to Look Approachable
  
• How to Network
  
• How to Have a Great Conversation
  

Sources and Citations

• 30sleeps.com - Original source of the content in this article, shared with permission.
  

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Talk to Strangers. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Note to Self: Heed This Advice!!!

Hadn't posted anything from wikiHow lately, but this came along and I thought, "Hmm, that's something I ought to post. Maybe I'll do that some day." Yeah, that's exactly why I need to read and reread and take to heart and actually do some of the things they advise in this little gem.

How to Overcome Procrastination Using Self Talk

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

We’re talking to ourselves all the time inside our minds. Even when you’re not paying attention, these relentless mental debates deeply influence our feelings and, ultimately, our behavior.
The good news is that each time that you become aware of such mental dialogues and notice patterns and turn them into productive statements is an opportunity to overcome many unwelcome feelings and behaviors.
Let’s see how this can help us when it comes to procrastination.

Steps

1. Recognize the procrastinator's motto. Consider the following thought, which for sure has crossed our minds many times in the past, in one form or another:“I have to finish this long, important project. It should already be done by now and I need to plow through it.”This small, seemingly innocent thought contains almost every mental block that encourages procrastination. We all use the Procrastinator’s Motto (or variations of it) every once in a while. If you’re a chronic procrastinator, chances are you repeat it to yourself very frequently — daily, perhaps.But what’s so wrong about the Procrastinator’s Motto? In what ways do these words encourage procrastination so much — and what can we do about it? Now let’s consider each part of this statement in turn, replacing each of them with an empowering alternative. In doing that, we’ll turn the original motto on its head and create a productive call to action: a “Producer’s Motto”, if you like.
   
2. Remember that you don't 'have to' do anything. ‘I have to’ is every procrastinator’s favorite expression. It’s also the most disempowering. Every time you say to yourself that you have to do something, you imply that you don’t have any choice, that you feel forced or coerced to do the task — that you don’t really want to do it. That perception, of course, elicits a strong feeling of victimhood and resistance towards doing the task. The solution to this problem is to replace ‘I have to’ with the immensely more empowering alternative ‘I choose to’ or 'I will'. Everything you do is ultimately a choice (yes, even completing tax forms). Using language that expresses choice reminds you of that and brings the feeling of power back.
   
3. Focus on starting, rather than finishing. When you focus on finishing something, you direct your attention to a vague, highly idealized future. Visualizing a finished project is motivating for many people, but from the point of view of someone who’s having a hard time starting a task, visualizing a hard-to-grasp future can be overwhelming — even depressing at times. The solution in this case, then, is not to focus on finishing, but on starting. Forget for a minute about the finish line, just concentrate on giving your first step. Bring your focus from the future to what can be done right now. We all know that if you start something a large enough number of times, you’ll eventually finish any task. Starting — all by itself — is usually sufficient to build enough momentum to keep the ball rolling from then on.[1]
   
4. Break a long project down into short tasks. Constantly reminding yourself how long and challenging the upcoming undertaking is only adds to the feeling of being overwhelmed, and thus of procrastination. Any undertaking, no matter how daunting, can be broken down into smaller steps. The trick is to, on each step along the way, focus solely on the very next smaller, doable chunk of work. Ignore the big picture for a while and just tackle that next short task. Make it in a way you can easily visualize the outcome coming about very soon. Don’t write a book; write a page. If it still looks intimidating, you may try committing to a time box instead. Of course, keep the big picture in mind, but use it for motivation and direction as needed, and not to frighten yourself before action.
   
5. Don't place too much pressure on yourself. “This project has to impress everyone; I really can’t blow this opportunity.” Placing such high hopes on a project only adds to anxiety and fear of failure. Perfectionism arises and only fuels procrastination even more. The way to overcome this mental block is to simply give yourself permission to be human. Allow yourself to be imperfect just in this next small task. Focus on taking an imperfect step remembering that you can always refine your work later. If you’re a serial perfectionist, go one step further and commit yourself to doing a sloppy job on purpose, at least at first. This can be thought of as a step in working toward perfection, but not trying to be perfect in each step, i.e. write a page or two now, but proofread and correct it some other time.
   
6. Stop thinking about the way things 'should' be. The expression 'should' is usually associated with blame and guilt. When you say you should be doing something (instead of what you’re actually doing), you focus on comparing an ideal reality with your current, “bad” reality. You focus not on what is, but on what could have been. Misused 'shoulds' can elicit feelings of failure, depression and regret. The solution is to focus not on how you feel now, but on how good you’ll feel after you begin to take action.
   
7. Make some directed action — even the tiniest progress is success — moving towards a goal is the best motivator. The trick is to bring that expected feeling of accomplishment into the present — and know that the real joy of progress is only a small task away. That small step is success. Success is not the end of the process, but it is the actions that cause progress and lead you to your next step.
   
8. Make it fun! “I’ve got to work all weekend”. “I am trapped in this laborious project”. Long periods of isolation can bring an enormous feeling of resentment. This feeling generates a strong sense of deprivation and resistance towards the task. The way to overcome this mental block is to not allow long stretches of work to creep into your activities. Schedule frequent breaks that will not take long or take you too far. Plan small rewards along the way. One idea is to work near a break area. Have something to look forward to — not far away and not at the end of a long stretch — but in the very near future. When rewards are small, frequent — and deserved — they work wonders. Truly commit to brief bursts of relaxation and leisure time. In fact, go ahead and make it mandatory. This “reverse-psychology” can by itself bring you to a whole different mindset, both more productive and enjoyable.
   
9. Rephrase your internal dialog. Time to check what we’ve accomplished with all the word substitutions. We started with:“I have to finish this long, important project. It should already be done by now and I need to plow through it.”And ended up with:“I choose to start this task with a small, imperfect step. I’ll feel terrific and have plenty time for fun!” Quite a change, eh? Every time you catch yourself repeating the Procrastinator’s Motto or any of its parts to yourself, stop and rephrase it. Then check how you feel. While it may seem just a matter of word choices at first, when you try this simple way of reframing your thoughts, you’ll see how instantly it changes your attitude towards working on your tasks. Moreover, if you turn it into a habit, you’ll be slowly reprogramming your thoughts, leading to a positive, permanent change in your mindset.
   

Tips

• Some other "procrastinator phrases" include:[2]
  
  • "I just don't really feel like doing this right now. I will do it later."
    
  • "It's no big deal if it doesn't get done."
    
  • "It won't take me that long."
    
  • "It's not fair."
    
  
  
• Taking on a second-person view can also help. Tell yourself: "You know you’re just putting this off. Take the time right now and get it done. You’ll feel better and you won’t have to deal with it later."[3]
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Stop Procrastinating
  
• How to Be Punctual
  
• How to Develop Your Sense of Time
  
• How to Get Things Done Fast
  
• How to Wake Up On Time
  

Sources and Citations

• http://litemind.com/overcoming-procrastination-self-talk/ - Original source, shared with permission.
  

1. ↑ This is what Mark Forster calls the “I’ll just get the file out” technique.


2. ↑ http://livingwelltools.com/procrastination.htm


3. ↑ http://www.catalystorganizing.com/articles/Later_Never_Comes.pdf

Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Overcome Procrastination Using Self Talk. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Another Good One From WikiHow

I know, I know. The most boring blogposts in the world are when I just copy something from somewhere else without an original thought in my head. However, sometimes I just run across things that are so good I want to keep them somewhere I can find them, and this blog is for me not for you, dammit, so there.

And no, I don't really feel the need of this particular advice right now. We're doing just fine, thank you. I just liked a lot of what this had to say and kind of critiqued some of my past breakups against it. I've done a lot right, and a lot wrong, in past breakups. What a surprise. (NOT!)

How to Break Up

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

When you decide to end a relationship, what follows can be a difficult, sometimes torturous series of events, especially if the feelings are deep-rooted, circumstances are intertwined, and the break-up isn't mutual. It may be one of the hardest things you ever do, but otherwise, an unhealthy and unhappy relationship can drag on for years and perhaps even decades. Here's how to be strong and end it now.

Steps

1. Think about why you are breaking up with this person. If you are simply upset with your partner, you should consider talking about what upset you and focus on resolving it, rather than ending the relationship. But if this same issue has already been discussed, yet nothing changes and you keep feeling unsatisfied, hurt, or betrayed, then breaking up might be the only way to end the pattern. Your partner will ask you why you want out, and you should be prepared with answers. Before having "the talk" that ends the relationship, do your best to articulate the reasons you are breaking up. If you have trouble remembering examples during emotional discussions or arguments, write your reasons down in advance. It may help to talk this over with someone you trust, or with a counselor.
   
2. Plan out how long you are willing to spend breaking up. The actual conversation in which you break up with this person can last a lot longer than it should, especially if your partner is devastated or completely surprised by your decision. It'll be much easier for you to stick to your guns if the conversation doesn't drag out. Expect to spend at least one hour breaking up, and longer if the relationship lasted a year or more. You may even want to arrange an appointment with a friend in a neutral location so that you can say "I'm supposed to meet John/Jane at the restaurant in fifteen minutes, so I have to go now."
   
3. Break up in person. It is easier to break up with someone if you don't have to look the person in the eye, but it can also be interpreted as cruel and cowardly. Unless you are a long distance away and choose not to wait until you see the person again, don't break up by phone, e-mail, or through an instant messenger system. And don't even think about breaking up with someone by pulling a disappearing act, even if it's just by suddenly eliminating contact with the person. The lack of closure can be psychologically damaging.
   
   • If you don't live together, break the news at his/her home and in private. They'll want to feel safe enough to respond emotionally--no one wants to be broken up with in public or near family and friends, and risk bursting into tears, or be forced to bottle up all those emotions. While you can break up with them at your place, making someone go home after getting news like that will be difficult, and could make them more bitter. If you are at your partner's home, you can leave after you feel you've made your decision clear.
     
   • If you live together, breaking-up will be particularly problematic and stressful; you should have a place where you can stay until the person you've broken up with digests the big change. You can either move all of your stuff while they're not home and then break up when they come home and notice, or break up and leave with some of your things with the intention to come back when things have calmed down to get the rest of your belongings. Either way will be very difficult for the other person, but only you know what's best for your situation.
     
   
   
4. Break up calmly. If you say the dreaded words "We need to talk", your partner will immediately know what's going on, and that's not a bad thing. You don't want to blurt out "We need to break up" out of the blue, or worse, when you're in an argument. You need to approach the whole thing calmly and peacefully, with a sense of resolution. Sit down with your partner and let him or her know that you've decided to end the relationship.
   
5. Expect any or all of the following reactions.
   
   • Questioning -- He or she will want to know why, and whether there was anything he or she could have done to prevent the breakup. Answer the questions as honestly as possible.
     
   • Crying -- The other person will likely be upset, and it will show. You can comfort him or her, but don't allow yourself to be manipulated into changing your decision.
     
   • Arguing -- He or she may dispute anything you've said during the breakup, including examples you used in your reasons for breaking up. Don't get dragged into a fight, and don't split hairs. Let your partner know that arguing isn't going to change your decision.
     
   • Bargaining or Begging -- He or she may offer to change, or to do things differently in order to preserve the relationship. If the person didn't change when you've discussed your problems in the past, it is too late to expect him or her to truly change now.
     
   • Lashing Out -- Whether it's as simple as saying "You'll never find anyone as good as me" or as scary as saying "I'll make you regret this", he or she is usually just trying to make himself or herself feel better. Threats of physical harm, however, are serious and should not be ignored. If you feel that your safety is at risk, stay calm and leave quickly.
     
   
   
6. Distance yourself. It'll be difficult, but don't call them, don't go places where you know they frequent, and make yourself scarce. Take the time to reflect on your situation and learn more about yourself. Do all the things you've ever wanted to do, that you wouldn't have done if you were still with this person. Now is the perfect time to focus on those missed opportunities. Your ex may try to get in touch, but wait a while (some people suggest six months) before resuming contact, if at all. You felt close to this person at one point in your life, and you will probably always have a soft spot for him or her, but it's time for both of you to move on.
   

Tips

• If you are sure you want to break up with somebody, it is best done sooner rather than later. However, if your partner has had a particularly bad day already, you may want to consider waiting for a better moment. Breaking up with them when they are already down will make the break-up much harder for both of you.
  
• While honesty is the best policy, you may want to focus on the fundamental issues destroying the relationship and not nitpick on the little annoyances that drive you mad. Those annoyances are usually symptoms of the underlying problems--we're far more likely to get annoyed, irritable, and frustrated when we know the relationship isn't working out.
  

Warnings

• Never break up in the heat of the moment. If the relationship is already broken beyond repair, that won't change once the argument is over and the anger has passed. Break up with you're both calm and can talk it over peacefully. That's when you have the best chance of closure.
  
• Never threaten that you will break up with your partner. If you have problems or concerns, work through them or break up. Threats will only make a relationship worse and their impact tends to diminish with repeated use.
  
• Never use e-mail to end a relationship. E-mail might be perceived as a "non-confrontational" way to break up but it adds insult to what will likely be injury for the other party. An e-mail breakup also speaks poorly about the character of one who uses it for such a delicate task.
  

Related wikiHows

• How to End a Controlling or Manipulative Relationship
  
• How to Get Over a Break Up
  
• How to Break up With Someone Using Style and Sensitivity
  
• How to Fall Out of Love
  
• How to End a Relationship
  

Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Break Up. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Advice I Could Use

Recently, I printed a WikiHow article intended to help men get over being the nice guy who always finishes last. Today I found this article on making friends and thought there is no one else in the world that needs this article more than me. So I post it here in hopes that eventually I'll actually read it. Yeah, I'm posting it without reading it first. Wacky? Well maybe. I know it's info I need, but there's a bit of apprehension to actually reading it. Apprehensive about what? Two things: (1) that the advice will be to do things I can't or won't do and/or (2) that the advice will be to do things I've already tried and failed. Ick. Oh well, here it is. Let me know in the comments if it's any good, and maybe eventually I'll actually read it.

How to Make Friends

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

There's a certain beauty in being a lone wolf. You can relax more often and have time to yourself. You have more time to do things you want to do, like take introspective walks, read books, write poetry, and other solitary endeavors. If you want to diversify your options, though, there are literally billions of potential friends in the world. What's more, many of these people want to make friends just as much as you do. So follow these steps to meet new people and form strong, lasting friendships.

Steps

1. Spend more time around people. If you want to make friends, you first need to put yourself out there somehow. Friends don't come knocking on your door while you sit at home watching TV. If the people you're already around (e.g. at work or school) aren't friend material for whatever reasons, it's not the end of the world.
   
   • Join a club with people who have common interests. You don't necessarily have to have a lot of common interests with people in order to make friends with them. In fact, some of the most rewarding friendships are between two people who don't have much in common at all, but if you have something in common with people, it can make it a lot easier to start a conversation and plan activities together.
     
   • Join a sports team. A common misconception about this is that you have to be really good at playing a particular sport in order to make friends with others on the team, but not all teams are so competitive. As long as you enjoy the sport and support your teammates, joining a local team with a laid-back attitude could be a great way to make new friends.
     
   • Volunteer. Volunteering is a great way for people of all ages to meet others. By working together you build bonds with people, and you might meet others who have a passion for changing things the way you do—a common cause.
     
   • Get online. In general, the Internet is a great place to make friends, but... it's also easy to invest a lot of time online with someone you think is a friend, and then you never meet them because of time and distance. Expect to have to sift through a lot of people online before you find the one or two great friends, the kind who will be there for you when you really need them. The Internet can also help you find other people around the world who share your interests even if you live in an isolated place. And even though the internet is a great place in general you still have to be cautious because not every person you meet online are who they say they are.
     
   
   
2. Talk to people. You can join a club, go to school, or go to church, and you still won't make friends if you don't actually talk to people. By the same token, you don't have to be involved with an organization to talk to people, and any time you talk to someone, you have a chance at making a lasting friend. You can talk to anybody: the clerk at the video store, the person sitting next to you on the bus, or the person in front of you on the lunch line. Don't be picky. Most conversations will be a dead-end of sorts, in that you may never talk to that person again or you'll just remain acquaintances, but once in a while you'll actually make a friend.
   
   • Make eye contact and smile. If you have an unfriendly countenance, people are less likely to be receptive to your friendship. Look approachable.
     
   • Start a conversation. There are several ways to do this; a comment about your immediate environment (the weather is a classic: "At least it's not raining like last week!"), a request for help ("Can you help me carry a few boxes, if you have a minute?" or "Can you help me decide which one of these is a better gift for my mom?") or a compliment ("That's a nice car" or "I love your shoes"). Follow up immediately with a related question: Do you like warm weather? What kinds of gifts do you normally buy for your mom? Where did you get shoes like that?
     
   • Make small talk. Keep the conversation light and cheery. Even if you're complaining about something, make sure it's something you're both dissatisfied with, and emphasize the positive—how such a situation can be avoided in the future, or alternatives. Bounce back and forth for a little bit.
     
   • Introduce yourself towards the end of the conversation. It can be as simple as saying "Oh, by the way, my name is...". Once you introduce yourself, the other person will typically do the same. Remember his or her name.
     
   
   
3. Initiate a get-together. You can chat your heart out but it won't get you far if you don't open up the opportunity for another meeting. This is especially important if you meet someone who you aren't otherwise likely to meet again. Seize the day!
   
   • If you've discovered that the person you're talking to has a common interest, ask him or her more about it and, if appropriate, whether they get together with others (in a club, for example) to pursue this interest. If so, this is a perfect opportunity to ask about joining them. If you clearly express interest (when? where? can anyone come?) they'll probably invite you. If you have a club, band, church, etc. that you think they might enjoy, take the opportunity to give them your number or email address and invite them to join you.
     
   • Ask them out for lunch or coffee. That will give you a better opportunity to talk and get to know each other a little bit better. A good way to extend yourself is to say: "Hey, well I've got to go, but if you ever want to talk over lunch or coffee or anything like that, let me give you my number/e-mail address." This gives the person the opportunity to contact you; they may or may not give you their information, but that's fine. Maybe they don't have time for new friends—don't take it personally! Just offer your contact info to whoever seems to be a potentially good friend, and eventually somebody will get in touch.
     
   • Don't do anything to pressure someone into being friends with you. Never chide acquaintances for failing to invite you to a party, for example; don't call someone over and over or stop by uninvited; and never overstay your welcome anywhere. In general, take friendship slowly, and don't try to become close to somebody right away. The move from acquaintance to friend can take a long time, and if you appear too clingy, potential friends may think you're too much work.
     
   
   
4. Be a good friend. Once you've started spending time with potential friends, remember to do your part or else the friendship will dissolve as quickly as it materializes.
   
   • Be reliable. If you and your friend agree to meet somewhere, don't be late, and do not stand them up. If you're not going to make it on time or make it at all, call them as soon as you realize it. Apologize and ask to reschedule. Don't make them wait for you; it's rude, and not a good way to launch a friendship. When you say you'll do something, do it. Be someone that people know that they can count on.
     
   • Be a good listener. Many people think that in order to be seen as "friend material" they have to appear very interesting. Far more important than this, however, is the ability to show that you're interested in others. Listen carefully to what people say, remember important details about them (their names, their likes and dislikes), ask questions about their interests, and just take the time to learn more about them. You don't want to be the guy or girl that always has a better story than anyone else or that changes the subject abruptly instead of continuing the flow of conversation. These people appear too wrapped up in themselves to be good friends.
     
   • Be trustworthy. One of the best things about having a friend is that you have someone to whom you can talk about anything, even secrets that you hide from the rest of the world. The key to being a good confidante is the ability to keep secrets, so it's no secret that you shouldn't tell other people things that were told to you in confidence. Before people even feel comfortable opening up to you, however, you need to build trust. Be honest about yourself and your beliefs, and don't gossip about others or spread rumors.
     
   • Be there. You've probably heard of fair-weather friends. They're the ones who are happy to be around you when things are going well, but are nowhere to be found when you really need them. Part of being a friend is being prepared to make sacrifices of your time and energy in order to help out your friends. If a friend needs help with an unpleasant chore, or if he or she just needs a shoulder to cry on, be there.
     
   
   
5. Choose your friends wisely. As you befriend more people, you might find that some are easier to get along with than others. While you should always give people the benefit of the doubt, sometimes you realize that certain friendships are unhealthy, such as if the person is obsessively needy towards you, or constantly critical, or introducing dangers or threats into your life. If this is the case, ease your way out of the friendship as gracefully as possible. Preoccupy yourself with other things, such as a new volunteer opportunity, so that you can honestly say that you don't have enough time in your schedule to spend time with them (but don't substitute that time for other friends; they may notice and become jealous, and drama will ensue). Cherish those friends you make who are a positive influence in your life, and do your best to be a positive influence in theirs.
   

Tips

• You don't have to be a superstar to be fun. You don't even have to do cartwheels. You do need to be positive and friendly, however, so that people feel good when they're around you. From the very first conversation you have with someone, you should use body language to convey that you are affable, non-threatening, and approachable. Smile frequently, laugh often, and make eye contact. In your words, be confident, but don't be cocky, condescending, or mean-spirited.
  

Warnings

• Don't try to change yourself in order to fit in to make new friends. A good friend sometimes does things he or she doesn't want to do, such as helping a friend move or going to see a band that you don't really like, but you should never feel pressured to do something you think is wrong. Stay true to your convictions and beliefs, and if this causes you to lose some friends, you're better off without them. You'll also find that your integrity may help you win a lot of other friends, and if you just be yourself you'll make friends who like you for who you are.
  
• Never leave old friends because you like someone else more. This is a big, bad mistake. It's great to have different groups of friends, but if you abandon one group for another, you may soon find yourself without any friends at all.
  
• Be careful about getting together with people that you meet online. They might not be who they say they are.
  
• Don't try to buy friends by giving people gifts or money. While it's nice to give a friend a gift sometimes, if you go overboard, it's creepy. A person who will "be your friend" because you buy him or her things probably just likes things, not you.
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Become Social
  
• How to Make Friends at a New School
  
• How to Have a Great Conversation
  
• How to Talk to Someone You've Never Met
  
• How to Get Over Being Left Out
  
• How to Look Approachable
  
• How to Make Friends Easily if You're a Teen
  

Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Make Friends. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Some Good Advice IMHO

I know I read blogs by men who seem to be plagued by the "nice guy" image. I hope they also read my blog. I read this yesterday and thought it was pretty good so I thought I would share it here.

How to Break the "Nice Guy" Stereotype

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

You've probably heard the phrase "nice guys finish last" and perhaps you've experienced it as you watch pushy, inconsiderate guys get the job you want or get the romantic attention of someone you've been pining for. It doesn't seem fair, does it? There's nothing wrong with being nice, but when you're so nice to everyone that you stop being nice to yourself, your efforts can backfire. Here are some ways to show people that you value yourself and that they should value you, too.

Steps

1. Stop agreeing with everyone and everything. That doesn't mean that you should disagree or argue for its own sake, but you're your own person with your own opinions and preferences. If you find yourself agreeing with everyone, you might be undercutting your individuality. Think for yourself and speak up. Not every disagreement is an argument, and a difference of opinion can sometimes lead to interesting discussion in which you learn a great deal about how a person thinks and how they feel about a lot of things.
   
2. Stop being a people pleaser. Don't bend over backwards to accommodate everyone except yourself. If you identify with the "nice guy" dilemma, you're probably a kind person who loves to help people, and that's wonderful. But don't be so humble that you become a slave to everyone else's needs and expectations. It's healthy to have your own needs and goals, and to fulfill them and help others at the same time, without putting someone else's priorities way above yours. Avoid "parasitic" relationships where you give, give, give and never get. Strive to form mutually beneficial relationships.
   
   • Learn to say no. When people ask you to do something that you don't feel comfortable doing, for whatever reason, you have every right to decline. If you find yourself saying yes without considering your time or desire to help, get in the habit of saying, "Let me check my schedule and get back with you." This will give you a chance to reflect on your availability and rehearse how you will tell them "no". There are manipulative people in the world who will make you feel guilty (in a very subtle way). Learn how to recognize a controlling or manipulative relationship and break the pattern.
     
   • Use nonviolent communication to convey your discomfort, concerns or needs. Some people are taught that it's not nice to say anything negative, but the fact is that there are conflicts in life and they need to be addressed in order to be resolved so we can have healthy, balanced and happy relationships. By learning gentle communication skills, such as giving a feedback sandwich, you'll feel much better about discussing topics that you would normally avoid.
     
   
   
3. Draw the line. Don't allow people to disrespect or ignore you. Stand up for yourself. If a co-worker steals your idea and passes it off as his own, you're not being nice by letting it slide. You're being cowardly. If your date doesn't show up, and doesn't even bother to call beforehand or afterwards to explain, you're not being nice by overlooking a lack of consideration. You're being a doormat.
   
4. Pace yourself. Be patient with yourself and with others. At work, this means not biting off more than you can chew. In dating, it means not getting too attached too quickly. Don't give someone everything they want, all at once, and expect nothing in return. Every relationship is a two-way street.
   
   • At work, do you regularly stay late without being asked? Do you volunteer to help more than others, or pick up the slack for your co-workers? By doing this, you're communicating to your boss and co-workers that your time is not valuable; you give it away frequently and without being asked, and you never indicate that there's anything else you'd like to do with your time, and they might even be convinced that you enjoy staying late and working extra hard. To bring some balance back into the situation, there are a few things you can do:
     
     • If your boss is giving you all the extra work because you do a better job than your co-workers, then ask for a raise or promotion.
       
     • Ask your boss about hiring another staff person, or rotating who stays late until the work load subsides. Ask your boss how long he or she estimates the late nights will be necessary.
       
     • There are plenty of people out there that rather than do the assignment themselves they will pass it on to you, or even volunteer you to take over a particular project, without even asking you if you're busy or not. Don't accept it. Tell them you need to review your workload first. Also let that person know that they should have been considerate to ask you before hand. If you do get dumped on (and you accept) then by all means don't take on the whole project by yourself. You would be setting yourself up for failure or worse. If you do a great job then it'll be your assignment for all eternity. Ask for an assistant or two. That way down the road you can come up with your own excuse to back out and leave it in their hands.
       
     
     
   • When dating, don't shower a romantic interest with flowers, stuffed animals, jewelry, expensive dinners, a cruise, etc. in the very beginning. You're in the courtship phase and might feel like you need to show how worthy you are, but this person needs to show worthiness of being your mate as well. Does this person meet your standards? Save the bulk of your affection and gifts for someone who already supports you and shows appreciation.
     
     • Wait for a love-interest to reach out to you once in a while. How could you really be certain that this person wants to spend time with you, if you're always the one calling and suggesting it?
       
     • Continue spending time with your friends and pursuing your interests even when you're dating. Don't allow a romantic prospect to consume your life.
       
     
     
   
   
5. Remember that you don't NEED anyone to be happy. Once you feel you "need" something, as in you want it so badly that you'd do almost anything to get it, and it's something that only someone else can give to you (i.e. someone else's approval, regard, or affection) you essentially put your happiness completely in someone else's control. In other words, you give that person all the power, making yourself appear weak and "needy". Instead, base your self-worth on your own actions and efforts, rather than on how others perceive you. Rejection and criticism is difficult to deal with, but sometimes it's undeserved. Don't spend your whole life trying to avoid people thinking negatively of you. Do what you feel is right, no matter what anyone else thinks. All you need to be happy, ultimately, is self-respect.
   
6. Continue being nice. The niceness isn't what gets the stereotypical nice guy into trouble. You can be a gentleman without being a pushover. You can be sweet without being suffocating. You can be humble without being self-deprecating. It's all about finding a good balance. Surround yourself with nice people who will consider you as much as you consider them, and do your best to teach others how they can be nice to you and in general.
   

Tips

• Since you already know how to be nice, work on building your confidence and being bold--two traits that the stereotypical "nice guy" is commonly perceived to lack.
  
• There's a difference between appreciating a love-interest and worshipping a love-interest. We're all human! By putting someone on a pedestal, you're not only fostering an unhealthy balance in the relationship, but you're also creating a set of unrealistic expectations. That kind of pressure can make someone feel unable to be at ease around you.
  

Warnings

• Be careful not to turn all the way around and be mean to people all the time and stop helping others. Find a good balance of being a gentleman and being bold.
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
  
• How to Be Bold
  
• How to Say No Respectfully
  
• How to Be a Man
  

Sources and Citations

• Yahoo - Why Nice Guys Finish Last
  
• Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS
  
• ABC News: Why Nice Guys Finish Last
  

Article provided by wikiHow, a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Break the "Nice Guy" Stereotype. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.