Not Good at the Game

(Note:  This post was a quickly written, stream of consciousness kind of thing.  Apologies for a lack of coherency, cohesion, and flow from one paragraph to the next.)

I am so very not good at just fitting in the box.  I am so outside the box it isn’t even funny.

Most people seem to want to get out of serving on committees, heading up this or that, participating more than just the bare minimum.  It seems like it is society’s norm that we should all grumble about serving and expressing relief and joy at coming to the end of our term so that we can go back to being a do nothing lump.

That is just SO NOT ME.  I want to be involved.  I want to do things.  I want to be selected to serve on committees, to coordinate activities, to lead this or that.

So recently, when church leadership turned over, and my term as chairperson for one of the main committees ended I was surely disappointed that I was not asked to serve in any capacity for the upcoming year.  I guess I’m just supposed to sit back on my haunches and show up to worship every Sunday.  Bummer.

Why was I given this leave?  Did I do such an awful job that they didn’t want me to serve anywhere anymore?  Did they think I would appreciate having the year off?  Did they bother to tell me or ask me?  NO!  And I don’t really feel I can ask anyone because that just seems to go against all the expectations everyone has that this hiatus is a GOOD thing.

So, you know, I just decided to have myself a good old pity party the other night – whined, ate snacks that were bad for me, and just generally had a hissy fit.  Poor W.  He witnessed it all.  That’s one downside of living with me – my occasional inescapable self-indulgent pity parties.

Oh, but I’ve rebounded some now.  I’ve now decided that since the congregation has decided that anyone with an idea for a new initiative can run with it as long as they can find a second person to help spearhead it that I am going to see if I can’t find a second person to help me start a new women’s fellowship group for the church.  We used to have one, but it was all older ladies who have mostly died off.  I think the reason it was only older ladies was because they always met on weekday afternoons, when many younger women were at work.

So yes, you can keep me from formal leadership, but you can’t keep me from leading one way or another.  Yes, I am THAT woman in the congregation.  Can’t control me.  Can’t stop me no matter how hard you try.  Just one more pain in the butt, thorn in the side for those who are in formal leadership.

Might as Well Admit It

No matter how frustrating he can be, no matter what things he does that make me cringe, for some reason I just can't let W go.

He infuriates me with his curmudgeonly ways.  Does he have to be gruff and verbally combative about absolutely everything?  I don't know.

He embarrasses me in public with some of the things he says and way he says them.  Must he come across as accusatory and angry without the slightest bit of tact or diplomacy?  I don't know.

He scares me when I see "suicide" notes that he has written and left where they are not easy to stumble upon yet not altogether hidden either.  Does he truly intend to go through with it, or are they just ramblings?  I don't know.  Clearly they are a cry for help.

He baffles me with his constant complaints that N and I don't keep our stuff picked up well enough when he has stuff piled up in the office to the point of having to move his computer out to the dining room table and now the dining room table is buried in stuff too.  Is he trying to make a point?  I don't know.  If so, it is too obscure for me to understand.

And yet...

He cooks dinner almost every night -- if I tell him what to make and how to make it.
He adores me, for no reason that I can understand.
He puts up with all of my shit, and still does as much as he can to take care of me.
He does all the stuff I don't want to do, like load the dishwasher and make phone calls.

What it all boils down to is two deciding factors:
(1) I'm too damned scared to be on my own, and
(2) I would feel too guilty if I kicked him to the curb because of his health, both physical and emotional.

I know.  You've heard it all before.  It's just an ongoing cycle of lather, rinse, repeat, lather, rinse, repeat...

Just a Little Update

Until a few days ago, when I stopped my blog for the first time in a very long time, I didn’t realize that so much has happened that I haven’t gone on about here.

Here are the highlights:

Mission Trip – With assistance from a few kind angels who helped finance the trip (you know who you are) I was able to go to Jamaica last June and help distribute brand new shoes to children in several elementary schools there.  The children were a delight.  It was heartwarming to see how happy they were to receive brand new shoes.  As I fit them for their shoes, I told each one, “Thank you for letting me give you a pair of shoes.”  I thought it was important to thank them because it isn’t easy to let a stranger into your life, even for a few minutes, to give you something that maybe you feel ashamed that your family cannot afford on their own.  Plus I wanted them to know that I was grateful for the opportunity to serve them in my small way.

Discernment – I am in the discernment process about attending seminary.  While I feel a strong calling in that direction, I still tend to hesitate.  Recently, I applied for two different jobs in my current field and got neither of them.  Perhaps God has different plans for me than becoming a controller or accounting manager.  Perhaps I’m being too much of a Jonah.  Well, no, not Jonah, but a Moses.  Moses argued with God about being a leader.  He didn’t feel up to the job.  However, if God has plans for you, God has plans for you.  Maybe me not getting these jobs is a sign that I really am supposed to walk through that widening door of opportunity to go into ministry.

J – Oh goodness, I have come to the conclusion that J and I will always be some part of each other’s lives until one of us dies.  We certainly can’t give each other up entirely.  That being said, we haven’t seen each other since the last time mentioned on this blog.  He is still with his wife.  We occasionally private message each other on a social networking site… just to talk, to touch base, to stay connected.  I don’t know if this good, or bad, or sad, or what.  It just is.

BJ – I still think of him too often.  And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Home life – N continues to grow.  As a teen he is testing the waters of independence, pushing boundaries, and much of the time insists I am the meanest mom on earth.  Whatever… W continues to be the curmudgeonly old man, and although he had quite the medical scare a few months back, he is still tough as nails and as close to immortal as I have ever seen anyone be.  Yep, looks like I’m really in this for the long haul.  We celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary last summer.  Never thought I’d see that day…

Sex – There ain’t none, nowhere, no how, no offers, no takers, nope, nothin’, nada, zilch, zip.  Sometimes life sucks.

Who knows how long it’ll take me to get back here, but I hope I continue to post here occasionally.  I like going back and reading my own history, and it bums me out when there are big breaks in the action!

Wow...

I haven't posted since March of last year?!?  Really?!?  Wow... just wow...

So much to say, no time to say it.

Oh well, just know that I am alive and well (sort of) and hoping to eventually get back in the habit of writing here.

How's that for a short post that says nothing?