Monday, January 03, 2011

Super Glued in Place

So here we are -- new year and same old stuff. I am stuck in limbo. I think that's why I never write anymore.

I am stuck. I am here, in my life that I myself created this way, stuck with an old man who after struggling for several years to be healthy has seemingly come out the other side healthier than ever. Yes, W has gotten so many of his health issues under control and/or put behind him that he's looking like he just might live to be 100. Then again, maybe he is just too ornery to die. I don't know. Whatever the case, all indications are that he will be around for some time more, and thanks to my decisions I am stuck with him.

I'm in it for the long haul, and yet, in so many ways I'm not in it at all. He is housemate, not partner. He is friend, at best, not lover. He is just a part of the family who is here without there being strong emotions, positive or negative, between us at least on my part. It has been said that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. That is where I am regarding W -- indifferent. I don't have warm, fuzzy loving thoughts about him. Neither do I have raging, angry hateful thoughts about him. He just is. I just am. The whole relationship and situation just is. We just exist. . . in tandem. . . side by side. . . yet totally unconnected.

It's an odd situation, and yet I wonder how many others are out there going through similar things, going through the motions, looking to all the world as though not a thing in the world is wrong, while underneath it all is a vacuum, an empty void where the heart of the relationship should be. I'll bet there are more couples out there than any of us realize in a similar state -- no longer a couple but just two individuals still tethered by the thinnest of strands of relationship.

I am at my happiest when I view myself as single, an individual free to be me, free to do what I deem to be the best thing for me without regard for W. I am at my least happy when I subjugate myself to pacifying him, to helping him keep up his illusion (delusion?) of what our life is together.

So it's a new year. So what? Nothing really changes.


Fusion said...

Well you know I was there with my wife True, and then I reached a point where I decided enough, I was done. But sometimes I wonder if I would have gone through with leaving her had she not died. Staying sometimes is just easier...

Wishing you well in this new year.

Val said...

Good to see a new post from ya!

I have so much swirling in my vacant lil' head, I don't know where to start... (can't I just plagiarize your post? after all, just change a few initials & I could have written it myself, sistah ;-)

Mostly I'm bummed out bcz I COMPLETELY misapprehended my last conversation w/my endocrinologist - what I thought was good news: let's back off on intensive monitoring regimen was actually further indifference (that's not the right term but my brain's too foggy, haven't had enough caffeine yet!) - there's nothing more to be done at this point but watch & wait...

ginnyh said...

It is soooo good to see a new post from you! Although I am sorry to hear of your stagnant situation, I have certainly missed reading you--you are such a good writer. And, I do not have any pearls of wisdom to cast your way about this empty way of life, except to say that I send you virtual hugs and encouragement. I suppose you could always just pray for a change................*sigh*.

Please keep posting, I check you from time to time and was so excited to see you had written something new. Hope things improve for you soon~G

Karin's Korner said...

I also am glad for your post. Love your tweets but it is just not the same. I come here most days just to check.

Sorry about the situation, just does not seem fair does it.

What happened or is happening with your friend who moved into your house? Any news there?