Thursday, January 15, 2009

Random Chaos

I have approximately as many thoughts running through my head as Congress has lobbyists pushing for a stimulus handout to their industry of choice. With so many different thoughts crowding around trying to vie for my attention I am left dazed and confused and unable to string together a coherent and relevant post. What you get therefore is a stream of consciousness post. Thoughts thrown willy nilly on the screen without segues to bridge from one to another. There may be overlap or even repetition therein. Proceed with caution. No telling what may fall from my brain through my fingertips to the computer.

Drained, I feel drained in so many ways these days. It’s all too hard, requiring too much effort. I don’t like standing on my own two feet and would really like for somebody to just come in and take care of me. (And yes, I do know just how absolutely pathetic that sounds.)

I’m thinking a lot about morality these days. My own and what it says about me that while I believe in a certain morality I don’t follow it. Damn this human weakness. I am not the person I want to be. I don’t have the character I want to have. Moreover, I am finding it damned hard to change. I know how I want to be, and yet I continue to not act the way I want to act.

Paul’s words in Romans 7 haunt me, and I want to go study them further, in depth and in context, to make sure that I understand what the message there really is.

I like my new therapist. It’s nice to be seeing someone locally instead of doing it via phone like I have been. It’s the first time I’ve seen a male therapist. I don’t know if that’s good or bad or totally irrelevant. I’m starting to see where the “I’m not good enough” frame of mind originated. While I believe that it is something internal to me it certainly was fostered by my parents and their expectations of me and their repeated disappointment in my failure to live up to their expectations. What I really want to find is a way to make peace with myself over being okay even if I don’t ever live up to anyone else’s expectations of me.

Stupid winter weather is getting me down. When the predicted high is a negative number that’s just depressing. When you wake up to no power and frozen water pipes that’s not fun. When you have to use flashlights to find your way to the clean undies, and when you have to go without coffee until you get to work, and when you have to wear layers and layers of clothes to go outside for even a few minutes, it’s time to salute Mother Nature with an obscene gesture and go have a good cry, being careful to cry only indoors to prevent frozen tear drops on your cheek.

Something W said to me a few years ago echoes in my head over and over and over. “If you want to do something badly enough you’ll find a way to do it no matter what.” That almost sounds like a good thing, but in the context in which it was said it is not. And the thing is, I know he is right.


selkie said...

change is one of the most difficult things to achieve; overcoming preconditioned reactions, internally driven beliefs and finding willpower is HARD - so stop beating yourself up, hun! Just keep working at it! Believe you will get there -

Bunny said...

I've felt like you do, right down to the one-finger salute to Mother Nature. Everything will get better - you'll feel better about yourself, the weather will turn warmer again (above freezing even!) and so on.

Hugs, hon, and STAY WARM! We've got a sofa bed, if you find a desperate need to head south. It's not "warm" here (about 50 degrees right now) but it is above freezing during the day.

Fusion said...

SOmetimes that stream of consciousness stuff is a good thing, just lets it all out!

Hope it warms up soon for ya!

Trueself said...

Selkie - It is very hard, but I will keep working at it. I can't let it get the better of me.

Bunny - Above freezing? Really? Will it ever? Like before June? Heh, 50 sounds idyllic right now. Be careful what you offer. You could end up with a large depressed woman camped out on your sofa bed.

Fuse - Yep, it's good to let it out. Sometimes it's the only way to get a good look at it.