Friday, November 20, 2009

Just Another Do As I Say Not As I Do

After BJ and I split up and W moved back into the house, and I was starting to feel like I was going to lose myself if I wasn’t careful, I posted an ad on Craigslist seeking female companionship. I pretty much decided I was through with men for a while and would just as soon pursue a relationship with a woman if I could.

M was one of only a very small number who responded to the ad. M made no mention of gender when responding. I answered all who responded to the ad (well, except for the way too young college guy who wanted to convince me that he could show me the error of my ways in seeking a woman), but M was the only one where we got past the first couple of emails. M and I started texting. We were both playing coy. We were both being vague. We were both being somewhat challenging to the other. I started to suspect M was a man and called him on it. Eventually he admitted he was, but by then he had me drawn in. I am a sucker for banter with a hint of challenge thrown in. I was enjoying our sparring much too much to stop just due to gender (sign #38 of a true bisexual) and decided to see how it would play out.

It was clear as our conversation progressed that neither of us wanted the messiness of an emotional involvement. We both have marriages that we aren’t leaving – me because I feel an obligation to take care of W as long as he needs me, and M because he genuinely loves his wife even though she won’t have sex with him. We agreed that sex is a pretty basic need, and if you aren’t having that need fulfilled life is mighty difficult.

Being the nervous Nelly that I am (or maybe just realistically cautious) I really wanted to meet in a public place for the first time. He wanted to meet at his apartment. M explained that due to cataracts that until he has surgery he doesn’t generally go out by himself as he feels vulnerable being unable to see much. I debated on accepting this or believing it to be a ruse. I thought red flags and warning bells should be going off in my brain, and they were. Yet I also sensed something else in M, an openness that was hard to believe would be there if this was all a con or a lure into something else.

I went with my gut and decided to meet him at his apartment during my lunch hour. The advantage to this is that people would miss me fairly quickly if I did not return when I should. Also, I wrote a blog post that I scheduled to post 30 minutes after I should be back to my desk so that I could delete the post before it actually hit the blog unless something awful happened to me. In that post I outted myself, gave all my vital information (short of SSN), all the information I had at the time on M, and the request that anyone reading it immediately contact the local police. Obviously, the blog post was unneeded, and I deleted it once I got back to work. However, it made me feel better to know that there wouldn’t be a tremendously long time before someone would be on my trail if something went wrong.

Although I’m not exactly sure why, I left my purse at work along with all my identification, money, credit cards, etc. I think it was in case the whole thing was a set up to rob me. I did take my cell phone with me thinking it might be handy in case a 911 call was needed. I’m really not quite sure, given how nervous I was about the whole thing, why I went ahead and went to meet M. Sometimes it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me that I struggle to strike up a conversation with coworkers yet I can go meet a man I know nothing about in a location about which I am unsure of the safety and have much more than conversation. (Believe me, I would never suggest to anyone else that they should act that way. As a matter of fact, I’d probably be the first in line to warn them against such dangerous behavior. For goodness sake don’t ever agree to meet someone for the first time in an unfamiliar apartment of their choosing. Just because it worked out for me this time do not extrapolate that to think that you should do the same. Just don’t. Exhibit a bit more common sense and self control than I have. Please.)

When I got to his apartment M opened the door and invited me inside. I hesitated long enough to scan both M and what I could see of the apartment – small (both M and the apartment), neat and tidy. I decided that I could take M if necessary due to his stature – a little shorter than me and probably less than half my weight, skinny doesn’t even begin to describe M – so I walked into the apartment. It didn’t take long for M to put me at ease, and a FWB relationship was born.

At this point I feel that M has every bit as much to lose, if not more, than I do if things would go wrong somehow. After all, I know his address while he doesn’t know mine. He stands to lose much more than I would if we were caught. I mean, what’s W going to do? Threaten to leave me? Go ahead. M, on the other hand, really doesn’t want to lose his wife. I suppose the biggest danger to me is if M’s wife were to ever catch us. While I acknowledge that as a possibility M assures me that she never ever comes home from work in the middle of the day.


Val said...

Wow - don't see yourself short, girlfriend, you are a VERY brave woman! [I don't think I would have gone forward w/a potentially risky plan like that even back in my younger, bulletproof & fearless young-adult days! & believe me, I did go through a "wild" phase ;-)]
Cataracts, eh? - does poor M have diabetes? my diagnostic sense is tingling...

Val said...

[Typing too fast - of course I meant SELL yourself short!]

Trueself said...

Val - Very perceptive. Yes, M does have diabetes. I didn't know diabetes and cataracts were linked in any way. I've always heard vets were the best doctors out there. :-)

And you know sometimes there is a very thin line between brave and stupid. Sometimes I suspect I cross that line.

Buttafly32681 said...

Heh. Reminds me on how I used to be, before meeting Hubby. Even dangerous at times, I liked being like that.

Emily said...

Dear Trueself - I hesitate to say this, because I understand why you are doing what you are doing, but...

I'm just wondering if you have considered how his wife would feel if she found out that you were using their house and their bed.

It's one thing to find out that your partner has been cheating. Its just that much worse to find out that you were blithely and trustingly sleeping in a bed where your partner has been with another woman.

Most cheating men have the sense to play away.