My biggest reaction to the entire four hours we spent together is this:
And yet, there I am, sharing the cost of a room, patiently listening, trying to find a way to somehow get a little fulfillment for myself from all of this. I even asked him to stay longer. I don’t know, maybe hope springs eternal that if we were around each other long enough he’d listen to me too, perhaps even ask how I’m doing.
But let’s be realistic here. That isn’t going to happen. He’s so wrapped up in himself, in his own needs, in his own life, that I’m nothing but a warm place to put it occasionally.
Maybe PMS has very little to do with why I wasn’t so happy with how things went. Maybe I was unhappy because the whole thing sucked. It was all about him and not at all about me, or us. He’s a selfish bastard, and I deserve so much better. Why does he have to prove that repeatedly? Why can’t I just get the message and move on? Sigh. . . so much personal growth is still needed here.
Also, the last couple of times with J before this one seemed so much better to me. I think it was because I was using J for revenge sex. I was being utterly defiant of BJ and our relationship by going behind his back and screwing someone else, getting revenge for hurts BJ had caused me. Now, without that as motivation there’s just nothing there for me when J and I get together, because the sex isn’t good, the company isn’t good; there’s just not one good reason to ever do this again.
Hmm, yeah, wonder how long this resolve will hold out. . .