No Toe in the Water

Oh no. I am not a toe in the water kind of gal. Nope. I just jump right in, both feet up to my knees before I know it.

I texted J last night, regretting the email that I had sent and asking him to delete it without reading it if he hadn’t already. I decided it had been stupid to send. I stuck myself out on a limb and wanted to retreat back to the safety of my little hole in the base of the tree.

Naturally, he had already read the email. Naturally…

Excerpt from last night’s texting:

J: If u feel as if u shouldn’t have sent it what does that mean? Are u coming down sometime?

TS: It means I get scared that I’m going to scare you away. And it was a stupid rambling message. And I should just shut up.

J: I m at a loss at the moment. I just want u to come down n we will meet as before.

Now, I don’t know what to make of that text from J. Or… maybe it is that I don’t want to understand what I think he’s trying to say there. I think he’s trying to brush me off while maintaining that occasional piece of ass he’s used to getting. AND THAT ISN’T WHAT I WANT. So… I try to ignore that aspect of it and focus on the part about him wanting to see me.

So…

After much thought and deliberation (like about six minutes so, ya know, plenty of time to think this through to a rational and prudent decision {NOT}), I texted back.

TS: Ok. I’ll try to come down. Any chance you can take a Friday off?

J: I can try…why?

TS: Just thought we could have more than an hour or two

J: Oh I see.. yeah just let me know which one, n where u will b

This, my friends, is how it came to be that in a couple of weeks I am going to go down and spend the day (and maybe overnight) with J. I’ve already gotten the day off approved at work. Now I just have to come up with and perpetrate the cover story for home use.

As the song says:
Tell me lies,
tell me sweet little lies,
tell me lies,
tell me tell me lies…

Obvious

Can you tell I'm off my meds?

As I looked back at the posts just before radio silence for a month and then the ones just after it seems like even the least astute of you would be rolling your eyes and saying something like "Poor Tru, she's gone off her meds hasn't she?"

Yes, yes I have. It is apparent even to me that I need to get back on them ASAP.

Today's Email to J

So………

What is it that you want from me? That is really what has me confused and stirred up. What exactly is it that you want from me? What is your desired long term outcome here in terms of our relationship?

I really think I will probably never get out of this relationship what I would like to get out of it. What would be nice is to get a clear idea of what you want to get out of it so that I can decide if I can live with that level of relationship or not instead of sitting here wishing and hoping part of the time and completely giving up and pushing you away the other part of the time.

I know I’ve messed up plenty in my lifetime. I can’t change the past. I can only live in the present and try to make the right decisions for the future. I totally screwed up when we were young. I wish I had hung in there with you. I wish I would have been patient and waited for you. Then I messed up almost worse when I decided to try to make things work with BJ instead of you a few years ago. I don’t know why I do things like that. I don’t know except to say that no matter what I won’t give up on you again. I know that. For all the frustrations I feel sometimes over you, they are far overpowered by the love and positive feelings I have for you.

Are you as afraid of losing me as I am of losing you? I know I push you away sometimes because I’m afraid to keep you close, afraid that it would hurt that much more if I lost you. I try my best to stay away from you when you are married because I don’t want to screw up your life. That’s why I pushed you away recently when you were trying to contact me. I knew your wife had a lot of jealousy, and rightfully so if we’re honest here. I didn’t want to be the one that messed up your marriage. If I had known of the separation I wouldn’t have tried to push you away. If I had known I would’ve let W believe that I was bringing RB down to {city close to J} even after that changed, and we could’ve spent some time together.

Recently I wrote this to the one really close friend [NOTE: this is YOU my invisible internet friends, but didn't want to scare him by admitting just how many people I've shared with, even somewhat anonymously] with whom I’ve confided about all my wild shenanigans the last few years:

There's something comforting knowing that J and I are there for each other, sort of, no matter what. We've loved, we've lost, we've fought, we've agreed, we've disagreed, we've laughed, we've cried. For the last several years we've been there and seen the best and worst of each other. We have kind of been each other's support system, long distance, spotty in ways, consistent in others.
That's kind of what makes it scary. What if we were truly together? Who would have our backs then? Who would be there to fall back on? It's like we're afraid to make each other #1 because then who would we have to fall back on? It's like getting ready to jump out of the plane with one parachute and no backup. What if it fails? What if the one thing you pin everything on fails?

Maybe that isn’t at all how you feel, but I do and wonder sometimes if you do too.

Sorry for the long and rambling email. I’m just trying to figure this all out. You always have had a way of keeping me from feeling completely at ease with our relationship. Maybe that won’t ever change, and I never really will understand our relationship. I don’t even know if I should send this email or just delete it. It’s like every time I see you, every time I talk to you, every time I email or text you, I’m always afraid I will finally do or say that one wrong thing, whatever it may be, that will turn you away from me forever, and that, my love, is my greatest fear.

Crossing my fingers, closing my eyes, and hitting Send.

Love,
Tru

More Thinking About J

Trying really hard to figure out why I can't ever let go of J.

Part of it, of course, is that he never really let's go of me. In that way he is different from others I might be inclined to hang onto. It's hard to hang onto someone with whom you have little to no contact, but with someone who regularly gets in touch, it's harder to let go. Add to that the fact that J always says "I love you" when we end a conversation. Contact plus positive affirmation.  Yes that's a part of it.

There has to be more though.

Another part is my dissatisfaction with life with W. It is one of those things where it is something I'm willing to stick with when there isn't another possibility than being alone. (OMG, am I really that woman? Yes, as much as I don't want to admit it, I am.) However, am I willing to turn my back on J to stay with W? No. I just can't make myself do so.

There's also something comforting knowing that J and I are there for each other, sort of, no matter what. We've loved, we've lost, we've fought, we've agreed, we've disagreed, we've laughed, we've cried. For the last several years we've been there and seen the best and worst of each other. We have kind of been each other's support system, long distance, spotty in ways, consistent in others.

That last paragraph? That's kind of what makes it scary. What if we were truly together? Who would have our backs then? Who would be there to fall back on? It's like we're afraid to make each other #1 because then who would we have to fall back on? It's like getting ready to jump out of the plane with one parachute and no backup. What if it fails? What if the one thing you pin everything on fails?

That's what this feels like to me.

Oh, and yes, I quite clearly understand that I completely turned this post around from my initial purpose of trying to figure out why I can't let go of J to why J and I can't make the leap to a real relationship.

So sue me.

J, J, J

So......................................................

J is separated... again.

Now, he had been contacting me a lot lately, and I should have suspected.  However, my lil pea brain didn't go there.

Finally, after many texts and phone calls today he finally 'fessed up to it.

I am one more time torn between wanting to try to have a permanent relationship with J and wanting to stay here in the status quo.

Why oh why can't I ever just let J go altogether?

Why did I ask him today how many more women he's going to marry before he realizes it's supposed to be him and me?

Idiot! I am a fucking idiot.