Monday, October 29, 2012

More Thinking About J

Trying really hard to figure out why I can't ever let go of J.

Part of it, of course, is that he never really let's go of me. In that way he is different from others I might be inclined to hang onto. It's hard to hang onto someone with whom you have little to no contact, but with someone who regularly gets in touch, it's harder to let go. Add to that the fact that J always says "I love you" when we end a conversation. Contact plus positive affirmation.  Yes that's a part of it.

There has to be more though.

Another part is my dissatisfaction with life with W. It is one of those things where it is something I'm willing to stick with when there isn't another possibility than being alone. (OMG, am I really that woman? Yes, as much as I don't want to admit it, I am.) However, am I willing to turn my back on J to stay with W? No. I just can't make myself do so.

There's also something comforting knowing that J and I are there for each other, sort of, no matter what. We've loved, we've lost, we've fought, we've agreed, we've disagreed, we've laughed, we've cried. For the last several years we've been there and seen the best and worst of each other. We have kind of been each other's support system, long distance, spotty in ways, consistent in others.

That last paragraph? That's kind of what makes it scary. What if we were truly together? Who would have our backs then? Who would be there to fall back on? It's like we're afraid to make each other #1 because then who would we have to fall back on? It's like getting ready to jump out of the plane with one parachute and no backup. What if it fails? What if the one thing you pin everything on fails?

That's what this feels like to me.

Oh, and yes, I quite clearly understand that I completely turned this post around from my initial purpose of trying to figure out why I can't let go of J to why J and I can't make the leap to a real relationship.

So sue me.

1 comment:

Val said...

I torture myself, also, w/pitiful scenarios in which I reconcile w/my childhood sweetheart... What a jackass I am, unwilling to work on what I've got (easier to contemplate greener pastures when I'm sick & resentful, holding a grudge bcz P isn't the least bit nurturing outside of buying me a meal! & mightily resenting being forced out of my nice warm bed to the coach by his snoring)
You won't find me lawyering up, babe ;-)