Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Today's Email to J


What is it that you want from me? That is really what has me confused and stirred up. What exactly is it that you want from me? What is your desired long term outcome here in terms of our relationship?

I really think I will probably never get out of this relationship what I would like to get out of it. What would be nice is to get a clear idea of what you want to get out of it so that I can decide if I can live with that level of relationship or not instead of sitting here wishing and hoping part of the time and completely giving up and pushing you away the other part of the time.

I know I’ve messed up plenty in my lifetime. I can’t change the past. I can only live in the present and try to make the right decisions for the future. I totally screwed up when we were young. I wish I had hung in there with you. I wish I would have been patient and waited for you. Then I messed up almost worse when I decided to try to make things work with BJ instead of you a few years ago. I don’t know why I do things like that. I don’t know except to say that no matter what I won’t give up on you again. I know that. For all the frustrations I feel sometimes over you, they are far overpowered by the love and positive feelings I have for you.

Are you as afraid of losing me as I am of losing you? I know I push you away sometimes because I’m afraid to keep you close, afraid that it would hurt that much more if I lost you. I try my best to stay away from you when you are married because I don’t want to screw up your life. That’s why I pushed you away recently when you were trying to contact me. I knew your wife had a lot of jealousy, and rightfully so if we’re honest here. I didn’t want to be the one that messed up your marriage. If I had known of the separation I wouldn’t have tried to push you away. If I had known I would’ve let W believe that I was bringing RB down to {city close to J} even after that changed, and we could’ve spent some time together.

Recently I wrote this to the one really close friend [NOTE: this is YOU my invisible internet friends, but didn't want to scare him by admitting just how many people I've shared with, even somewhat anonymously] with whom I’ve confided about all my wild shenanigans the last few years:

There's something comforting knowing that J and I are there for each other, sort of, no matter what. We've loved, we've lost, we've fought, we've agreed, we've disagreed, we've laughed, we've cried. For the last several years we've been there and seen the best and worst of each other. We have kind of been each other's support system, long distance, spotty in ways, consistent in others.
That's kind of what makes it scary. What if we were truly together? Who would have our backs then? Who would be there to fall back on? It's like we're afraid to make each other #1 because then who would we have to fall back on? It's like getting ready to jump out of the plane with one parachute and no backup. What if it fails? What if the one thing you pin everything on fails?
Maybe that isn’t at all how you feel, but I do and wonder sometimes if you do too.

Sorry for the long and rambling email. I’m just trying to figure this all out. You always have had a way of keeping me from feeling completely at ease with our relationship. Maybe that won’t ever change, and I never really will understand our relationship. I don’t even know if I should send this email or just delete it. It’s like every time I see you, every time I talk to you, every time I email or text you, I’m always afraid I will finally do or say that one wrong thing, whatever it may be, that will turn you away from me forever, and that, my love, is my greatest fear.

Crossing my fingers, closing my eyes, and hitting Send.


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