Thursday Therapy – Agitation

Agitation was the overriding theme of my session with Freud yesterday. I’m sure Freud would’ve realized I was agitated even if I hadn’t mentioned it to him. My body language was full of tells. I repeatedly stretched my arms over my head. I reached for strands of hair and twirled them. I played with the employee badge on the lanyard I was wearing. In summary, I fidgeted through my entire session. This is so unlike me most of the time. Most of the time I sit back and sit still except for occasionally crossing my arms (when we talk about uncomfortable subjects) or reaching for a tissue (when we hit a nerve).

I have felt very agitated ever since I saw J last weekend. I always feel agitated after J and I have been together. I feel like I can’t sit still and yet I don’t know quite what to do with myself. This usually lasts for several days until I somehow get myself back into my comfort zone. I wish I could pinpoint what it is I need to do to get myself there so I could speed the process along. Perhaps the process is one that can’t be hurried though. I don’t know.

 

We discussed my reaction to J’s characterization of me in high school as “promiscuous.” That seems to be at least some of the reason for my agitation this time. J really hit a nerve with that one. Freud said that it didn’t sound to him as though I was promiscuous back then but just a normal adolescent. Let’s say we just have to agree to disagree on that one. Just because I didn’t “go all the way” with anybody in high school, I certainly went pretty far with J and some of the others, Greg particularly. And I certainly was not loyal to my steady boyfriend, J. While I respect Freud’s opinion and get a lot of help from our sessions, this is just one issue he can’t persuade me on. A slut is a slut is a slut whether you physically follow through or not in my book.

 

Freud kept bringing the conversation back around (oh yes, I deflected a whole lot, tried to meander off onto tangents repeatedly) to what it is that I get from my relationship with J that I don’t have in my life otherwise. What gap in my life am I trying to fill with J?

 

What I have identified so far:

•  Physical intimacy – not just sex, even though that’s a part of it, but cuddles and kisses and hand holding and looking each other in the eyes
• Connection to the past and happier, more carefree times
• Camaraderie that is just plain fun, verbally sparring with one another and a sense of playfulness

 Is there more? Maybe…

 

 At one point Freud asked me about W and what keeps me with him.

 

I told him there are two things:

• I don’t know how W would make it without me, and I find it incredibly difficult to take that leap particularly given that his relationship with his grown children is now dead.
• My insecurity about being able to handle things on my own, particularly things like arranging for the multitude of home repairs and maintenance items that are an ongoing part of older home ownership

Could I dump both W and the house? Leave him with the house and walk away from the equity? He couldn’t financially maintain the house on his own. Could we sell the house, split the equity and go our own ways? I hate to do that when the real estate market is still soft. Not to mention the house is a pig sty and to get it in shape to show to potential buyers would be a nightmare.

 

At another point Freud asked me if I’d ever thought about what it might be like to be married to J. I said yes, lots of times. Then he asked did I think that’s what I would want. I blushed and stammered around and finally admitted that yes, I very much think that I want that even though there is massive evidence of why it would not be a good idea. I won’t go through all those here again. I’ve mentioned them in the blog on various occasions.

 

Assignment until the next therapy session: continue to identify unmet needs that I’m trying to fill with my relationship with J and start to think about alternative ways of meeting those needs.

 

Sigh…