Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Not Liking Myself Much These Days

There are things about me that I do not like much these days. Primarily, these are things about me that are absolute proof that I am human, and since humans are fallible, it proves I am quite fallible. I hate that about me. I want to be perfect, dammit! Yet I fall short of the mark again and again.

Case in point:
Try as I might to resist doing so, I make snarky comments to BJ regarding one particular episode in life with one particular person. They just fly out of me at the most random of moments. I want to be able to let it go. I want to just get over it and move on with life. I want to be gracious and compassionate and understanding. I know that’s what I ought to do, and yet I have my weak moments. BJ and I can be having a perfectly lovely time walking through the unique shops at Pike Place in Seattle only to have me ruin it by picking up a lunchbox:

and saying to BJ (in a voice sweet as honey laced with arsenic), “Oh look. You should buy this as a present for your friend.” Top it off with turning down the next aisle to find a book:

and me making jokes, perhaps a few too many jokes, about the title and it being a role-playing game.

Snarky. Ugly. Not the person I want to be. A voice inside my head screams for me to shut up, but I don’t. I keep going and going until I run it into the ground. BJ stays quiet, perhaps afraid that anything he might say will simply fuel my fire. He’s probably right. There is nothing he can say that would be “right” to me in that moment. There is nothing anyone can do to make things right in that moment. I must find a way to work through my feelings about this and deal with them. I must find a way to deal with it other than being the Supreme Bitch of the Universe.

I look in the mirror and hate who I see staring back at me. I hate the person I am right now. I want to be better, and the above is but one example of bad behavior from me and but one topic over which I behave badly. I am a mess, and I need to start cleaning house within me, sweeping out the bitchiness that lays like a layer of thick gray dust on my soul.


kimba said...

don't do it true..

CAH said...

It's all the stuff good and bad nice and bitchy that make us unique. Just strive to be less bitchy but never think you are a mess for acknowledging you are human.

Fiona said...

That kind of hurt takes a long time to go away and that person hurt quite a few people with her games.

Maybe these outburts are little purges which will help you along the path to the place you want to be. You can do it, just don't make her matter so much (easy to say I know) because when you do, she keeps on being more than she ever should be allowed to be.



Serenity said...

Yes i readily admit i did hurt you with my "games", but there were two people playing that particular game, and to lay all of the blame at my feet is to ignore the fact BJ was a more than willing participant. If you are so desperate for his less than adequate attention, and willing to believe that his lack of response to what you term bitchiness (but is really quite appropriate anger) is okay, well, you're never going to get over the whole episode.
Never forget, he was willing to drop everything on a spurious whim. It was never anything more than that, and he was willing to risk hurting you for the chance to fuck me (and he didn't even manage to do that.) You stay with him because you don't think you deserve more. Get real. You do.

BJ said...

Well well well. For someone who said she was done with blogging long ago it's funny to see you here my dear Serenity. Pardon me but I'm confused here. I don't know how on earth you've come to believe our little tryst was all your fault. I've said before that no one drug me to the Great White North. The RCMP never hauled my fat ass over the border. You're right however in saying that she does deserve better than
how I treated her. That's all on me. For her and I to honestly move forward this has to be put behind us. I agree with other responses on previous posts here. I did betray her. I can't ask for forgiveness enough for what I've done. I do not blame her at all for having difficulty getting past this. No Serenity it's not all about you. Not by a long shot.

Trueself said...

Kimba -- Not sure what I'm not to do, but I'm pretty sure I probably will do it particularly if it's something I shouldn't.

CAH -- Quite human, quite fallible, and too often bitchy these days.

Fiona -- Well, it wasn't her that hurt me so much as him. He's the one I'm still angry with over the whole thing.

Serenity -- I don't put all the blame on you. I believe it is shared between you and BJ, and I am much more rattled by his behavior than I am yours. You did what you do. He's the one that fell for it, grabbed it, and ran with it in a big way. As I told him last week, I'm always kind of waiting for when the next "Serenity" is going to come along who he'll ditch me for. That's the crux of it. I'm dealing with the fallout from him much more than the fallout from you. As for me deserving better, you are wrong. More wrong than you know. . .

BJ -- Thanks for chiming in.