Tuesday, December 29, 2009

More Like a Moderately Sized Angry Rant

A little while back I wrote:
I feel a really big angry rant brewing inside me. I know anger is one of the phases of the grieving process. I thought I’d pretty well worked through the grieving process over someone yet it seems perhaps I was just caught up in the denial phase. By year’s end (so in the next couple of weeks) I do believe you can expect to see me letting off a bit of steam here in the form of one really big angry rant at someone who I feel deserves it in spite of my defenses of him in the past on this blog. You know, even a pressure cooker will explode if you let the steam build up too long.

The anger is still there, but it is almost (not quite, but almost) replaced by sadness. Sadness at myself for trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole for far too long. Sadness at him for not being the person I wanted him to be for me.

I am torn between the desire to rip him to shreds with an anger-filled furious blogpost, to expose ugliness and failures and get all up on my self-righteous high horse about how I deserve so much better and blah, blah, blah. . . while on the other hand, he could certainly do the same to me with some ease I am sure. I am sure I failed him and disappointed him on all sorts of levels. Yes, we could rant away at each other and even make some damned fine points about each others’ failings. We could start a big ole’ flame war if we were so inclined.

Yet this blog was never intended to be a place for me to bash others but a place for me to try to grow. I have bashed others on occasion and probably will again, but it isn’t what I ever meant for this blog to be. I would rather this blog be about my growth, about me and what I’m doing right and wrong. Enough bashing is done without me adding to it more than I already have.

So let me record once and for all that I am going through the anger phase of the grieving process over BJ.
  • I am angry at him for things he did and things he didn’t do.
  • I am angry over perceived slights.
  • I am angry that it appears our break up didn’t hurt him nearly as much as it hurt me.
  • I am angry that I let our relationship last as long as it did.
  • I am angry that our relationship didn’t last longer.
  • I am angry that without BJ in my life I had no reason not to let W move back into the house.
  • I am angry that I would want to blame that on BJ rather than accept the blame myself.
  • I am angry that when I wrote to BJ in an email months ago “I guess I had hoped you’d care enough to want more from me and try to open a discussion with me, but I’m not sure you even noticed my pulling back until I mentioned it over the weekend. Maybe I’m living out a tagline from one of the blogs I read: Sometimes people build walls just to see who cares enough to tear them down” it was already plain to me that he didn’t care enough to tear them down.
  • I’m angry that there may not be anyone out there who cares enough to tear them down.

This past Sunday I nearly called him, but I didn’t. I nearly texted him, but I didn’t. I nearly just drove to his house instead of mine when I got back from taking N to Winter Camp, but I didn’t. I resisted the urge to pick at the scab. I resisted the urge to rant at him. I tried to, but couldn’t quite, resist the urge to write this blog post. I did resist the urge to rant in detail though. I had so much more I could've said but didn't. Perhaps that’s a good thing.

One last thing. I am angry at myself for deep down knowing the truth of a statement I made to him almost two years ago and yet ignoring it and denying it to myself for far too long. My statement: “You know this proves we could never be together again because neither one of us would ever be able to trust the other again.” I said this to him at a time when he and I did something wrong behind someone else’s back. I knew then that if he and I were both the kind of people to do what we had just done that neither of us could, or should, trust the other after that. I ignored my own knowledge. Flat out ignored it. Denied the truth of it. And for that, I am really pissed off at myself.

Okay folks that’s it. Bashing done. Anger phase recorded. Let’s move on.


Val said...

You're a better person than me, babe.
If I didn't have my lil' space to "vent", I think my head would explode! Of course [as usual?] I can relate to so many aspects of this post - I, too, have blatantly ignored both my own instincts as well as flaming, smoking, smoldering warning signs => which are all coming home to roost in their sad & bedraggled states...

[That's great, word verification is "egging"!]

Serenity said...

I have absolutely no right to be commenting! Who do i think i am? The flagrant nerve! Mercy me.
Your post is a holiday induced one i think, something about the goddamn holidays can bring out the regret better than any other time of year.
But even so, you really are making a mountain out of that molehill when you know deep down, you really do know, he was never going to be enough man for you, he just does not have the stones to be there, yet you keep on flagellating yourself because he was a pleasant companion. It is so past, so very long past the time you should let him go on his emotionally shallow way. You are expending so much energy beating this dead horse when you could be using that energy to really flower in this world. You know you got it goin on, why the hell don't you start?