Apologies and Giving Up

First the apologies:

1) I apologize for not responding back to comments lately. This cold has kicked my ass. At this point it looks to overwhelming to me to go back and try to catch up so I'm not even going to try.
2) I apologize to everybody that I have inadvertently offended lately through my blog and comments on others blogs. Apparently I'm just a loose cannon lately.


Which leads me to my second point:
I'm giving up for a while. This blog will be totally egocentric, all about me, bullshit for the time being. I dare not say anything about anyone or anything else for a while for I seem to be in a rather destructive mode and that isn't helpful to anyone. Rather than spread the hatred to others I'll just be focusing it all on me. That's okay, there's plenty I can point in my direction. Goodness knows, I've got enough faults to give me plenty of blog fodder for some time to come.

Black Hole Here I Come

Boy did I never ever expect this. I never saw it coming.

I may have to shut down the blog, something I was determined not to do ever, and now I feel like I have no choice.

Shit.

I have to go think this through.

Monday, Monday

Yep, it's just another Monday. Well, not just any Monday. It's NCAA Basketball Championship Monday. Kansas is playing against Memphis. My bracket is totally blown as I had UNC taking on UCLA tonight. Sigh. . . . I will end up around 170th out of a bit more than 200 entrants in the office pool. It's my worst finish in the pool in years though I never win. Normally though I can make it up into the top 100. Well, there's always next year. I'm having to cheer for Memphis because I can't stand to cheer for the team coached by the traitorous Bill Self. I never cared for KU, but when Self left Illinois to become KU's head coach that clinched it. I hate KU so much now that I would even root for Duke over them, and I never root for Duke.

Sorry, didn't mean this to become a basketball post, but I'm sitting here watching the game (of course I'm watching the game, I even made N wait for me to put him to bed until halftime; it is college basketball after all; priorities must be maintained) so it's hard to think of anything else.

W is still here. I am not so happy about that. He has, however, taken off his wedding band. I'm not sure when he did that exactly but it was sometime in the last week. I noticed it yesterday morning, but then I don't really look at him that often so I'm not sure when it came off. I think that's a good sign that he's starting to accept that yes, it really and truly is over. Now if he would just take himself out of my house life would be good. As far as I can tell, W and N are getting along again, or at least they are getting along as well as ever.

One last basketball note. This is one time I miss being on the West Coast where the game started at dinner time and ended long before bedtime. As it is I'll struggle to stay awake long enough to watch the final One Shining Moment montage when it's all over.

My sincere apologies for this post to those who aren't basketball fans. However, I endured football season. Y'all can endure the occasional basketball post.

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Late edit:
KU won. In OT. Figures.

Oh, and I'm replying to comments again. Go back and catch up on the last few days' posts if you like reading the comments and you'll see my additions.

So How Was Your Weekend?

This was a tough weekend. I’m glad it’s over. I don’t often look forward to heading back to work on Monday as being an escape, but today it is.

W spent the weekend being an ass. N spent the weekend being victimized both by W being an ass and by the ensuing fights between W and me. I spent the weekend trying not to lose my cool but losing it twice, once in front of W and N together and once just in front of N. I later apologized to N. I didn’t apologize to W.

Fortunately, there were moments of respite during the weekend. C called me Friday night and invited me to go see the movie Juno with her and another friend. I went. We had a great time. The movie was wonderful. If you haven’t seen it you should. The best part of that evening for me though was the group hug at the end of the evening before we went our separate ways. I don’t get enough human touch these days. Then on Saturday I did get to attend the event at church and had the evening to myself so that was pleasant. Even yesterday I got a bit of peace as I slept late after struggling to sleep on Saturday night, and skipped church while W and N went.

So it isn’t that there weren’t good parts to the weekend. It isn’t that W and I spent the entire weekend fighting. It’s just that we spent every minute that we were together fighting, and that is too much and unacceptable and not good for any of the three of us.

Oh yeah, and another good thing. I have a date with a woman from the bi group at the end of March. We are attending a concert together here in LNJ. She lives a couple of hours away and will be crashing at my house overnight after the concert. She and I have been flirting with one another more and more, including her sending me a single rose on V Day. I am looking forward to seeing if this develops into something beyond friendship. If so, I guess I’ll have to add another letter to my alphabet soup!

And let me share one last good thing from the weekend. I chatted on Friday evening with a couple, and we may get together one of these days for some adult type fun. I met her through blogging, and we’ve chatted on Yahoo before. I “met” her husband Friday evening on Yahoo and the three of us chatted for a bit. They are about four hours away from me so we wouldn’t be able to get together often, but it sounds like we would have a lot of fun when we do.

When I really step back and look at it, new opportunities and possibilities abound in my life. I just need to get myself to the place where I can fully enjoy them, and getting W out of the my house is the first step.

Livid

Drove and hour and a half last night to the soccer tournament location, spent the night in a hotel, got up early this morning to make it to the tournament by 8:30 a.m. We ran about 15 minutes late, but at least we made it. Game didn't start until 9:15 so we were still good.

EXCEPT N is not getting to play in the tournament. Unbeknownst to N, W or me N was moved from the club's red team to the blue team. Now being moved to the other team is a little annoying, but nothing that we can't live with. What is absolutely unequivably not acceptable is that we learned nothing of this until we showed up at the tournament. The coach didn't even apologize or anything. I just don't get it. N is devastated and W and I are both pissed off. Now we have no games this weekend but have to attend a different tournament next weekend even farther from home.

Club rules state that problems are to be addressed no sooner than 24 hours after the problem occurs to allow all parties to calm down. That's probably a darned good rule because I guarantee you that emotions are running high right now. I don't believe I could have a good rational discussion of this right now.

Sometimes life just ain't fair, and today is one of those days. Oh, and the cherry on top of the sundae is that my period arrived with a vengence this morning, not that it was unexpected just annoying.

Apologies

Thank you Val, and thank you Stinkypaw, for bringing me up short on the suicide thing. Your comments were very instrumental in helping me see what I was doing from the other person's perspective. Since you two pricked my conscience on this issue, I have felt very bad that perhaps I had made BJ feel the way that the two of you had expressed to me. That was never ever my intention at all and just didn't see it from that perspective until you showed it to me. I had always thought of it as more of an academic discussion, more of a theoretical "this would be the only way out of this situation" where I MEANT that to say that short of suicide I'm just going to have to find a way to deal with the situation, and now I know that the way it was heard was that I might consider that a viable option for dealing with the situation. Nothing could be further from the truth. I do not, for me, consider suicide as a viable option ever to get out of anything. I'm rambling on here, but I hope I'm making at least some sense here.

Last night I apologized to BJ for all the times I'd ever included suicide in a discussion about my problems. I explained to him what I explained in the paragraph above. He accepted my apology.

And now I extend an apology to Val and Stinkypaw, and to any other readers that may have taken statements that I have made here as threats or consideration of suicide. I am very sorry. It was not ever my intention for anyone to think that I might commit suicide. I wouldn't and I won't, and I will try to remember to keep suicide out of conversations about problems and how to deal with them, but if I do let it slip in (I'm not perfect after all) please call me on it, remind me the pain that my statements can cause. I am very sorry.