Two Dozen

That’s how many years W and I have been married – 24 – as of this past Wednesday.


That seems long enough sentence, doesn’t it?

Apparently not.

Every time I start thinking about giving him the final boot, something stops me.
Finances…
Health…
Fear…
Excuses…

Sometimes it’s just easier to deal with the hell I know rather than the ones I don’t.

Do other people go through life like this?
Is this how life is supposed to be?

I am way too stupid to have the answers…

Just a little summary of how things are going lately.

GOOD
• Thanks to not divorcing W and not having to pay him his equity in the house the mortgage has been fully paid off this month.
• I finally got the Mirena IUD placed late last month, and it will hopefully help with the “lady issues” I’ve struggled with for so long. So far so good according to my Dr.
• Summer is almost here meaning camps for N, vacation for N and me at some point, and hopefully no more cold weather for a few months.
• I’ve gone back to manicuring my own nails on a fairly regular basis and even bought some new nail polish. N likes when I wear bright red (which I seldom do), but I prefer more muted tones.

BAD
• For N’s soccer tournament this weekend the weather looks to be clear on Friday and Sunday, but his games are on Saturday and Monday when the forecast is less kind.
• Last week we wrapped up in blankets to watch Little League. This week we are sweltering even in the shade even in the evening.
• W’s health is not so great, not that it has been for a long time, but his current issues are really hurting him. I’d go into more detail except for the fear he would search on a symptom or disease or whatnot and find this blog. Not that it matters that much, but there’s no reason to hurt his feelings more than I already have.
• N’s been on the DL (disabled list for those of you that were thinking down low) a lot lately first with strep throat and now with a sprained wrist. It’s bumming him out to miss so much baseball and soccer. At least the wrist is better enough that he’s back to playing soccer since it doesn’t count on wrist strength and flexibility much to play soccer.

UGLY
• My hair, which is in its natural state of long, scraggly, and graying. Hopefully, with the mortgage paid off I can return to keeping it beautiful. I’d still like it long, but less scraggly and less gray.
• Work has been ugly for a while now. I am kind of caught in the middle of a personality clash situation that I didn’t intend to be in the middle of. I’m sorry, but I can get along with each party separately. The fact that they can’t get along with one another shouldn’t be my problem. Must refuse to listen to both sides. Play nice girls, play nice.
• The lawn at home is more scraggly than my hair, but at least it’s the right color – green. Again with the mortgage paid off maybe I can hire someone to do something about it. I’m so terrified of the poison ivy and poison sumac (due to the bad reactions I have had in the past) that’s out there I just can’t bring myself to get out there and do it myself.

Okay so that’s my update. It ain’t much, but it’s all I got.

Twisted Logic, Complaints, Whining

(You know just the normal bullshit around here.)

It’s amazing what you can live with, or without, even when it is something that you swore would always be important to you. Sometimes, you just find out that when it comes right down to it, what you claim is important just isn’t what is really important. When it comes right down to it, actions really do speak volumes louder than words.

From that opening paragraph you are probably expecting some profound exposition on some greater truth of life. Then again, you’ve probably been reading here long enough to know that would be an extremely high expectation for this blog. In spite of the title, “Deepest Darkest Thoughts,” seldom is seen here anything really profound. As a matter of fact, a more appropriate title for this blog may well have been “Dirty Little Secrets.” But I digress. . .

I have been a woman who, for years, regularly had my hair cut and colored. I long held the opinion that it was important, perhaps nearly essential, to have a nice hairstyle and more importantly to never let the gray show. Now I knew I didn’t have much gray, but I also knew there were a few strays here and there. I certainly didn’t want anyone to see them. Ah vanity, yes you are my friend.

So then we come to the time where W and I split up. We go our separate ways. He leaves me with a house (that I will readily admit I picked because I intended that one day BJ and I would share it, and share in the expense of the maintenance and upkeep) with a goodly sized monthly mortgage payment, high utility bills, and one thing or another requiring repair on a regular basis. More than once I dipped into the emergency savings fund to pay to keep the house in decent repair.

Decisions had to be made. I couldn’t dip into emergency savings too frequently, or I would leave myself with nothing at all as a fallback. Expenses had to be cut, and that’s where you learn what’s really important to you, and what’s not. Hair care was one of the first things to go. It wasn’t even that difficult a decision. It saved me nearly $100 a month. Housecleaning services also went by the wayside, saving me another $100 a month. Illini season football tickets were not renewed. I forget how much that saved, but given the weather this season and the Illini’s performance (or lack thereof), it was money well worth saving. What didn’t go by the wayside were Illini season basketball tickets. Now that is $800 a year that I would spend no matter how bad things got unless it meant the difference between homelessness and staying in my house. Truly, it is just that important to me. Another thing that didn’t go by the wayside was my 401(k) contributions. I considered cutting back on them, but I just wasn’t willing to sacrifice the future for the present. (I know. How utterly old school of me. The very thought of not mortgaging the future in order to play big in the present. What a concept. What can I say? Social liberal, fiscal conservative.)

Then things got rocky for me and BJ. I could tell that things weren’t working out with him the way I wanted. I could tell that he didn’t care about me the way he did before. Something was amiss. Somehow we weren’t meant to be. It became clear to me that he was never going to move into my house and be a co-contributor to the household. He wanted me to be able to move so that we could live somewhere between his job and mine. I have my reasons for wanting N to stay in the school district in which we live. I wanted to stay, at least until N graduates high school, where I am. Not to mention that I know the economy is such that right now would not be a good time to sell the house because it would mean selling it for less than what I paid. I suggested to BJ that perhaps we should step back and reevaluate. He jumped at the suggestion, and as far as I could tell took my suggestion as a break up rather than what I meant to be a temporary cool down. It probably took me a good two weeks of not hearing from him to decide that we weren’t working on working anything out but just going our separate ways. It was probably the weirdest break up I’ve ever experienced.

I was left reeling. Not only was I dealing with the emotions of the break up but also the knowledge that I had now left myself very financially vulnerable, more so than I had ever intended. If I went ahead with the divorce, I owed W over $70K for his share of the equity in the house. If we reconciled, the house would be paid off by next summer, freeing up a huge chunk of cash flow each month. Besides, W was being evicted and needed someone to care for him and his broken arm.

All of this brings us to today. Today I am still burdened with the financial responsibility of the house. W is still on the hook for his multitudinous debts he acquired during our separation. He pours 90% of his income into the reduction of those debts. The rest he spends on his personal items and the occasional grocery run for the household. However, I do see light at the end of the tunnel. By the time summer arrives the house will be fully paid for, and that will ease the cash flow crunch a great deal. The first priority will be to build the emergency fund back to its former level. Once that is accomplished, then smaller contributions will go there and allow me to perhaps once again get regular hair care and maybe even get someone in to clean the house occasionally. Not only that, I might be able to buy myself a laptop computer again.

The financial pressure has been crushing to me. Nothing stresses me quite like financial pressure, and for years I lived without financial pressures. Before we moved to LNJ, income far exceeded outflow. It was easy to live within our means. Unfortunately, I put too much financial pressure on myself by purchasing too much of a house here, and counting on having someone to share in it. I put the cart before the horse by making plans for a future that did not occur. I placed trust where trust was unwarranted. I paid a huge price for that, and now it feels as though my punishment is to be stuck with W for the remainder of his life.

And really? All I want to do is get back to a place where I can afford to have good professional hair care. If I can ever add that back to my budget I’ll live without the housecleaning services, and the lawn care services, and the week long vacations, and even replacing the laptop computer. I do miss the professional hair care. Although it was little enough priority to cross off the list during financial crisis, it will be the first thing back when the finances ease. Ah vanity, you are indeed my friend.

A Meme: a Great Way to Avoid Posting for Real

1. How old do you look? Old enough to know better, young enough not to care

2. Where do you live? In a very strange little place in my own imagination.

3. Are you waiting for something? Wisdom. Courage.

4. What’s one pet peeve of yours that is not common? People without compassion for the homeless people they step over as they walk down the street.

5. Do you want/have kids? Have one, would love one more, but that won't happen.

6. Have you ever thought about converting your religion? Nope, because my religion is as individual to me as anything could be. It has roots in mainline protestantism but is incarnate in me in a very individual and unique way.

7. Last shocking news you heard? W's huge credit card debt.

8. What was the last thing you drank? Coffee, black, just as God intended it.

9. Who do you most look like in your family? My brother, FU. It's pretty much the only thing we have in common.

10. If you could have something right now, anything, what would it be? Having the divorce finalized.

11. Where does most of your family live? In their own strange little places in their own imaginations.

12. Where did you grow up? TV1, TV2, TV3, and ST2

13. Where do you want to go on vacation? Puerto Rico, Hawaii, Australia, UK

14. Have you ever had a panic attack? Yes, I've even blogged about some of them.

15. What can’t you wait for? My divorce to be final.

16. When’s the last time you told someone you loved him or her and meant it? This afternoon

17. Have your parents ever smoked pot? I find the entire notion laughable.

18. Want someone back in your life? Sigh. . . yes. FU to name just one.

19. What do you order at the bar? Usually Jack & Coke

20. When was the last time you cried really, really hard? When W told me about his excessive credit card debt

21. Ever licked someone’s cheek? Yes

22. What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? Apple slices

23. Where were you on July 4th, 2008? At my parents' house.

24. What are your nicknames? I always wanted a nickname, but nobody ever gave me one.

25. If you could go back in time, how far back would you go? 1979 when I entered college so I could change certain decisions.

Reasonableness

Accountants are used to the concept of reasonableness. It’s a concept that’s applied a lot in auditing and reporting. Often it’s what you do before sending a report out to someone: check it for reasonableness, making sure there isn’t something that looks glaringly out of place, too large, or too small.

It is interesting to me that W spent the better part of his career as an auditor, and yet somehow in his own personal financial matters he doesn’t seem to use a standard of reasonableness in any way. When I met him he was several thousand dollars in debt on his credit cards, making minimum payments and continuing to spend as though he had money. I wouldn’t marry him until the credit cards were completely paid off, and he promised that we would not live beyond our means but charge only what could be paid off monthly. A couple of times in all our years together I agreed to charge things and pay over time, once when it was some expenses related to the adoption. I don’t remember what the other was for but I’m pretty sure there was a second time, perhaps when we bought furniture for our first real house after moving from the mobile home. Anyway, in more than 20 years together we paid very little interest to any credit card companies. I just don’t spend my money that way.

Apparently when W moved out (at my insistence as he likes to point out) he decided that he was completely free to do all the things I’d prevented him from doing up until then. He was always wanting to get involved in the latest get rich quick scheme, always looking for the easy money that he knew was just waiting for him if only he could invest in this, that or the other thing. I, on the other hand, am old school, a child of parents raised in the Depression who taught me that you don’t go into debt, and you don’t invest in risky things. You may get a lower rate of return, but money in CDs in FDIC insured banks will still be there when you need it. While we were together the only money W could use for his risky “investments” was the monthly income he received from the trust his mother set up for him before she died. (Yes, his mother knew him well. I believe she left him a monthly stipend rather than a lump sum to prevent him squandering it all at once.) Once we were no longer together W was free to “invest” to his heart’s content, and he did in one internet enterprise after another. He was involved in several “businesses” and was sure he was going to make money on them, except he had to pay for expensive start up costs. He could have never done it with me around, but with his freedom he was able to charge what he needed to on his credit cards convinced he would soon be making all the money he would need to pay back what he had borrowed. Oh yes, he’d show me just how wrong I’d been all those years that I held him back.

However, the longer things went on the more obvious it became even to W that he was making no money on these enterprises. Well, actually he made a grand total of $35. Let’s see. $35 on a $70,000 investment, a 0.05% return on the investment. Hmm, not sounding so good, is it? So now, embarrassed, broken, and broke, he confesses it all to me. He was anxious for me to know, though, that he has shut down all his businesses, and there will be no more money going towards them. To what purpose did he make this confession? Well, it all came out during a argument discussion we were having over divorce settlement issues. It all came out because he was pushing on me to get the refinancing completed prior to the divorce being finalized. I was pushing back that I was having a difficult time getting refinancing in my name alone as long as the divorce wasn’t finalized.

One of the sticking points also to the divorce settlement is child support – he doesn’t think he ought to pay it because it was my choice to divorce not his so I should have to be solely responsible for N’s support. I don’t get his logic, and I know he can’t legally bow out of child support. However, he is choosing to make it a sticking point.

So now that I’ve had time to digest the information and get over the initial brain freeze that occurred just by the mere mention of the amount of the debt, I’m set to return to the negotiating table. My proposal will be that I will get a loan from my parents as they had offered so we don’t have to wait for the finalization of the divorce, and instead of paying him his full share of the equity in the house that I’ll pay him his share less the present value of the child support he will owe until N turns 18. That way he won’t get enough to completely clear his debt, but he can either negotiate a lower settlement with the credit card companies or at the very least pay them down to a level where he will have a better shot at paying them off eventually, and I will not have to compete with creditors and “investment opportunities” for child support for N as I will have gotten it up front and will leave him alone about it. The alternative if he insists on his full share of the equity is that he will have to wait for the divorce to be finalized for me to pay him his share, and I will pursue child support through the court and have it garnished out of his pension checks (something I know he doesn’t want me to do).

The silver lining to all of this is (a) he and I always kept separate credit cards in our individual names only so I am not a party to either of the cards on which he has balances, and (b) he filed a quit claim deed this week giving me sole ownership to the house as even he didn’t want to see it compromised by his debts.

New Month Resolutions

Tis the season for New Year resolutions. Now we all know that most of us don’t keep our resolutions very long, or we just forget about them, or life gets too busy, or whatever. Therefore, I’m not making resolutions for the upcoming year. I am making resolutions for the month. At the end of the month, I’ll revisit my resolutions, take stock of how I’m doing, and make resolutions for the next month. Maybe the resolutions for the next month will be the same as the prior month, maybe tweaked a bit, maybe altogether different, but it’s all about trying to get myself on track and keep myself on track. (Hmm, maybe that’s really my New Year resolution: to follow a program of monthly resolutions.)

Without further ado, here are my January resolutions.

In January 2009 I resolve to:

1. Take my meds every day as prescribed.


2. Practice more positive self talk and less negative self talk.


3. Finish the divorce paperwork and file it with the court.


4. Finish the refinancing process.


5. Finish and post the blog post I started recapping 2008


6. Say bad things about Q only on my blog and not to people in real life.

There we go. That’s it, but that’s plenty. We’ll see how I’m doing come the end of the month. Hopefully there are a couple there that won’t have to carry over into February.

I'll Hang Around as Long as You Will Let Me

I had this post all written, but somehow Blogger ate it. So here's the recreated version, a mere shadow of the original.


This post is an attempt to make sense of my nonsense. As I wrote it the first time I came around to some insights into myself and my relationships with men. These insights are things that I know, and I know that I know these things, but occasionally I need something to hit me upside the head to remind me. Whack! That's what writing this post did for me. Then Blogger ate it, and to tell you the truth maybe that's a good thing. I think the way it was written could have caused me more problems than I need. Hopefully, I can word things better (like not calling myself a sleazy skanky whore) this go round.

What I've been thinking about, and trying to figure out, has to do with my reactions to three men -- W, J, and BJ. The last 2-3 weeks I've been a big pile of emotions, not all of which made me very proud of myself. I have reacted badly to things that all three of these men have said and/or done.

First, I struggled with W being with Q. I've said over and over that it's just all about N and what impact it has on him. Yes, and denial is more than a river in Egypt. Truth be told I felt like I lost W in a way that I hadn't before. Between Q moving in and me finding out about the financial crater W's dug for himself it became crystal clear to me that there is no possibility of turning back now. It is over -- for real and for good. Even though I've said for the longest time that's what I wanted, and I truly believe we are better without each other than with each other, there's this part of me that wanted, and wants, to still hang on to W and can't quite let go.

Second, I think I reacted to J's email like I did because on some level even though I know that when we're around each other a lot he drives me batty I still can't quite shake the "what could have been" thoughts, and I kind of like having him there for me (and it's been that way since my college days) when I want him there for me. Anyway, part of me was just plain ticked that he could move on and marry #3 rather than pine away for me.

Then the third thing is about BJ. I spent a good part of the last two weekends being peeved at BJ for little things, but mostly it all came down to his feline-like independence and aloofness running afoul of my puppy dog-like clinginess. I want more than anything for this man to want me, to want to spend time with me, to share in my life with me and to let me share in his life with him. Too much of the time I feel like there’s a bubble around him, an invisible barrier that I can’t penetrate. I want him to yearn for me the way I yearn for him, to have spending time with me be a priority for him like it is for me. Instead I get time with him when it suits him and his schedule. If we have a weekend available to us, he’ll spend time doing this and that and sundry things while I wait for him to be ready to spend time with me. I feel like I am forever waiting for it to be my turn to have his attention for a while. Is it a philosophy of “always leave them wanting more”? I don’t know, but I indeed do want more. I want to be his priority even sometimes. I want him to be willing to sacrifice sleeping in just every once in a while to do something that I want to do together. I want him to see me as being as important as a good night’s sleep, and right now I feel like I will never achieve that level of importance to him. I will never ever be anything but second to his desire to sleep late, and no matter how hard I try (and believe me I’ve tried and tried) I can’t seem to let go of the hurt I felt when he refused to come hear me preach at church simply because it was too early in the day for him. I will always be the one to compromise my schedule to fit his. This is my fear. Sometimes I wonder if it is his way of getting back at me for me having N as my number one priority.

Okay, so I put all of these things together along with one of the insights I'd had in my "Weight Weight Don't Tell Me" series of posts where I said "It seemed that nobody could ever give me enough comfort, enough love, enough reassurance to make me feel good about myself. It would be a long time before I would come to the understanding that I had to look inside myself for that, not out to the rest of the world, or the next unlucky guy that asked me out on a date." Here's what I get out of all of this: because I don't feel secure enough in my relationship with BJ I feel a need to grasp at the bits and pieces that other men are out there offering me no matter how little or how inadequate they are. I'm trying to somehow piece together a comfort level for myself, and it simply isn't working for me.

If I were a stronger person it would be easier to turn my back on W and on J, and put my energies only into my relationship with BJ knowing that if it didn't work out in the end that I'd be fine on my own. As it is, I don't feel that I'd be fine on my own so rather than risk ending up on my own if somehow things didn't work out with BJ I cling to whatever small pieces are available to me from others. Now, the ironic thing is that by my very act of clinging to those pieces I could very well push BJ away thereby bringing about the very thing that I'm trying to avoid.

And it all boils down to this -- I need to become more secure in myself, to trust that I can take care of myself and don't need to have a man there to shore me up. Only when I can do that am I going to be any good as a partner for anybody.

Next Up: Peace in the Middle West

Regarding this post I want to do a little follow up. I’m not sure it all came across the way I intended, and even if it did I want to share a little of the conversation W and I had that night about the issues I had, and some I didn’t even know I had.

The parts about that previous post that I thoroughly enjoyed were (1) finding out that his financial life isn’t all that he makes it out to be and (2) sending the Credit Card Guy to calling him way earlier than he cares to be awoken in the morning.

There were plenty of parts I didn’t like such as (1) finding out that his financial life is as much a shambles as it would have been for years had I not been the one in our marriage to rein in the out-of-control spending so I fear he will be broke almost as soon as I pay him for his share of the equity in the house, (2) realizing just how important it is to legally rid myself of him and his money woes, and probably most importantly (3) finding out that N was privy to what I considered way TMI with regard to Q. In addition, N had talked to me just the night before about issues he has with W and Q. I told him he would need to take up those issues with W to which he replied that Q is always around so he can’t talk to W privately.

All of that led to my final statement of the post that if I didn’t get what I considered appropriate responses from W regarding my concerns I would head straight into my attorney’s office and start handling things on a whole new level.

At lunchtime that day I tried to call W and naturally got voicemail. No surprise there. I left him a message asking that we talk that evening by phone over some issues that N had raised with me that had me concerned. In the middle of the afternoon, W called me at work, oblivious that I’d left him a message, said he’d never gotten it, to tell me he and Q were going out of town for the afternoon/evening. (like I care; I am not sure his point here other than liking to rub my nose in the fact that he has someone now; truth be told I could care less what they do when or where as long as it doesn’t impact N, and he wasn’t scheduled to have N that day at all so there was no reason to tell me his/their plans; whatever) I told him that in the message I asked if we could talk later that evening after N was in bed or sometime the next day. He agreed to talk later that evening.

(Okay, okay, I know this is a lot of detail, probably more than you want to know, but I’m kind of using this blog as documentation for myself in case I need it later in the divorce proceedings so bear with me here. (I almost wrote “bare” instead of “bear.” Heh, heh. Now that could lead to something more interesting.))

Fast forward to later that evening following N and I attending a heartbreaking Illini loss to Clemson in the ACC/Big Ten Challenge, returning home and getting N to bed. I call W. He starts the conversation by saying that he thinks he knows what I want to discuss. Really? He thinks it has to do with some bad language. I, having not a clue what he was referencing but assuming Q must have a mouth on her, played dumb and asked if N had been using language of which we don’t approve. Oh no, he assured me, N hadn’t said anything inappropriate. Ah, I said, so Q was the one? Yes, he explained that Q had used some language that has never been allowed in our family (at least in front of N) and that N had given W “the look” when it happened. W assured me that he had spoken to Q about it, and there would no longer be a problem. Okay, well there was one problem we had that I didn’t even know before, but at least it appeared to be resolved. (May I also say here and now that I have never had any problem at all with BJ acting and speaking inappropriately around N. BJ and I, when by ourselves, may talk with coarser language, but never in front of N. It wasn’t even something we ever had to discuss, ever.)

Moving on, I told W that wasn’t what I had wanted to discuss, but I was glad he shared it with me. I started with N’s complaint that he has no time when he can talk to W privately. I explained that I try to encourage N to take up issues he has with W or Q with W directly, but that N tells me he can’t because Q is always right there. W started to dispute that he and N have no time together without Q. However, he then went into how it will soon be better once she starts her job next week, and she won’t be around during the day so that when he has N after school it will be just the two of them. I told him that he needs to talk to N about it and provide N with a way to approach him to talk about things without Q’s participation. He agreed. (at least verbally he agreed, whether he follows through may be a very different story)

I then broached the subject of TMI being shared inappropriately. I told W that I have no interest in what his and Q’s relationship is or what other relationships Q may or may not have, but N needs to have good examples set for him. That may mean not talking about certain things in his presence. That may mean modifying behavior in his presence. It definitely means that I will not stand by and allow my son to be exposed to ideas and concepts that are beyond his years. While W argued that N misconstrued things that had been said (and I agree that N has a way of twisting things sometimes) I said that it is important that we help him understand when he misunderstands and do our best to keep his best interests as our #1 priority. He agreed. (at least verbally he agreed, whether he follows through may be a very different story)

My next issue for discussion was W and I needing to be able to discuss things related to N and our divorce without Q’s participation and input. I shared with him my discomfort when she was unable to stay out of simple discussions that take place when I pick N up at his apartment. I feel it is completely inappropriate for her to offer her input when W and I are talking about N’s welfare. I offered that perhaps it is because she doesn’t have children that she doesn’t understand boundaries (and that applies to most of the issues that I have with her). I also explained that if I am hesitant to engage in conversation with him in her presence that is the reason. I will no longer speak to him about such things in her presence and will defer any discussions that he tries to initiate in her presence. I reminded him that I always tried to stay out of his relationships with his first family, not interjecting into their discussions or disagreements. If I felt I had input to offer him I would do it only after the fact, in private just to him. I expect Q to show that same respect. He agreed and said he would address it with Q. (at least verbally he agreed, whether he follows through may be a very different story)

My final issue that I raised was Q living with W. I told him that it made me uncomfortable, particularly given the issues above. I told him that I have always made it very clear to N when he asks about BJ and me that I’m not willing to go there until the divorce is final. I told W that I think it is a very bad example to set for N to have a girlfriend (or boyfriend) move in when any of the parties are still married. At this point, W assured me that Q living with him is a temporary thing, until Q finds a place of her own. I guess I’m glad that this conversation was taking place over the phone so W couldn’t see my eyes rolling into the back of my head. I couldn’t help but think that when I moved up here it took me one weekend to find a place to rent. Of course, I was looking for cheap and temporary so it wasn’t quite the same thing. Even still she ought to find something in a couple of weeks I would think. We shall see.

I reminded him that I was trying to make this a cooperative thing, not an adversarial thing. Like it or not, we have to deal with each other for at least another eight years until N is no longer a minor.

The upshot is that W was cooperative enough (for now) to keep me from dragging the attorney into it (for now).

An uneasy truce has settled upon the land.

-----------------------------------------

Oh, and as an aside, there were several points in the conversation where I got the feeling that there may be trouble in paradise over at W's place. Hmm, perhaps being together 24/7 this last week or so isn't all it's cracked up to be. Can't imagine why that could be. I mean, after all, they've known each other for at least a month. That should be plenty of time to decide to live together, right? /snark

I Enjoyed That Perhaps Just a Little Too Much

(It is morning in the Trueself household. N and TS are preparing to leave for the day. The phone rings)

TS: (grumbling) Who calls this early in the day?

(TS picks up the phone and sees on Caller ID that it is a credit card company with whom she has no credit card.)

TS: Hello?

Credit Card Guy (CCG) with strong Indian accent: May I speak to W please?

TS: I'm sorry he no longer lives here.

CCG: He is not at this number? Could I confirm the telephone number with you?

TS: Sure, it's [and I gave the phone number, and no, I'm not even coming close to giving it out here, but suffice to say it was a three digit area code, three digit local code, and four digit number so you go figure it out now]. Would you like his new number?

CCG: Hmm? Oh, okay sure. Hold on. . . (What did he need to do, go get a crayon and some paper? Doesn't he sit in front of a computer where he could just enter the information?) Yes, go ahead.

TS: Okay, it's [and I gave the phone number, and no, I'm not giving that one out either no matter how much I would love to share his number with the world so that he could receive harrassing phone calls at odd hours].

CCG: Do you know what time would be a good time to reach him?

TS: I'd say about anytime during the day (thinking to myself: since he doesn't work or anything)

CCG: So do you think this would be a good time to call him?

TS: (looking at watch, seeing that it is just after 8:00 a.m. and knowing W loves to sleep late, like 10:00 or so) Absolutely! I think this would be a very good time to call him.

CCG: Okay, I will get this in the database today. It may take up to 24 hours for this change to be recorded in the database so please ignore any further calls you may receive from Credit Card Co. in the next 24 hours.

(TS hangs up phone.)

N: Who was that?

TS: Just someone looking for your dad.

N: Who?

TS: I don't know. Just someone with a heavy Indian accent that made it hard to understand.

N: Dad's dating an Indian?

TS: No, Dad has Q. He wouldn't have more than one girlfriend at a time.

N: Q does. She's got a very bestest friend who's a guy and isn't Dad.

TS: Hmm, well I don't know about any of that (and thinking to myself that there can be a big difference between best friends and lovers so it may be nothing anyway), but no this was a business call not anyone Dad is dating.

(The scene ends as TS and N leave the house to begin their day.)

I will be speaking to W today and if I don't get adequate answers and cooperation, I will be speaking with my attorney forthwith.

Curiouser & Curiouser

In the past week things have certainly taken some interesting twists and turns. The following items are reported without organization but just as they pop into my head.

Q has moved in with W. Yep. Just like that. Just that quick. W asked me for "permission" to live with Q on Tuesday. "Permission?" I asked. "I don't really think I have any say in the matter, do I?" W replied that he thought I did since we're still married sort of. I laughed, and that was the end of the conversation. She moved in on Wednesday. Okay, so call me a prude and/or a hypocrite, but I just don't think it is setting the right example for N for W and Q to live together when N spends some nights at W's apartment. I do not ever have BJ sleep over with me when N is around. BJ and I are in agreement that it is inappropriate to do so at this stage of the relationship.

N and I spent Thanksgiving with my parents. Dad is doing surprisingly well. Apparently the chemo is doing its job, and the tumor in his liver is shrinking significantly. Mom is tired, chronically tired, although she won't come close to admitting it. As expected, she wouldn't let me help in the kitchen. Not as expected, she didn't make as big a dinner as in the past. She's tired. Dad gave me money to help me out a bit with my finances, not a lot, but enough that at least I now feel like I can afford a bit of a Christmas for N.

Friday night (well Saturday morning really) I was up around 3:30 for my nightly stumble into the bathroom. On the way back to bed I noticed through the window an SUV stop in front of the house two doors down. Three teenage boys got out, and the SUV drove away. The three boys proceeded to drag bag after bag of leaves from the two houses next door out into the street positioning the bags in a sort of blockade the full width of the street. As I watched them working I dialed 911 and reported their vandalism. Although the police arrived fairly quickly the boys were gone by the time they arrived. Yes, I'm becoming one of those grouchy old ladies that reports teenage pranks to the police.

W brought Q to church with him today. For no reason that I can understand, they were there early, early enough that they were there before I was, and I had to be there 15 minutes before Sunday School started as I'm serving a rotation as teacher for some of the kids. There she was, waiting to say hello as I hung up my coat. It took all my inner strength to stay for the service after Sunday School. I wanted to bolt out the door, but I didn't. I stayed. I stayed long enough to watch as W introduced Q to people while he had his arm around her waist. I stayed long enough to be greeted by her one more time during the passing of the peace. I stayed long enough to be nauseous. As soon as the service was over, I checked with W to make sure I knew that time he would be bringing N home (he had N this weekend), and I bolted out the door and home to BJ.

I had a meltdown this afternoon on the phone with W. I am so incredibly frustrated by his refusal to respond to me when I leave messages for him. The only time I leave messages for him is when it pertains to N or the divorce or our finances, all issues that are important. I never call him just to talk or for frivolous reasons. I am sick and tired of him not responding to me, and I let him know that in no uncertain terms. While he didn't apologize (no surprise there) he did acknowledge that he had been doing that and said he would change (yeah, wouldn't be the first time I've heard that about any number of things only to have things stay exactly the same).

Too Good Not to Share

see more pwn and owned pictures

All for Want of a Skillet

I had a set of four cast iron skillets. I have had three of them – tiny, small and medium – since I was in college and a boyfriend of mine bought them for me so I could play housewife and cook good stuff for him at his apartment. The fourth, a very large skillet, I bought at a yard sale some years ago. When W moved out he took the two smallest skillets, and I was okay with that. I rarely ever used those two. Now he wants the medium skillet which is my workhorse cast iron skillet. It’s the one in which I bake cornbread. It’s the one in which I do the bulk of the cast iron skillet cooking in my kitchen from sautéing to frying to making grilled cheese sandwiches. It is old, well used, and therefore well seasoned. Now he freakin’ wants it! Umm, no. Sorry.

There aren’t a lot of things I’ll fight for, but I’ve got a short list of things that are non-negotiable to me:

Our Illini season tickets
My two remaining cast iron skillets
My baby grand piano
My KitchenAid mixer
My wingback chair

I will get these few things in this divorce settlement.

How dare he? HOW_DARE_HE?!?!? How dare he encroach on my short list? WTF is he thinking? Out of a half dozen things that are truly important to me he wants two of them. I would have even bent on the Illini season tickets probably. However, when he goes after my cast iron skillet? Now them there’s fightin’ words bubba. I’ll whack him over the head with it before I’ll give it to him.

Oh, we were all so cooperative in this divorce thing until he found out that in our state he will be unable to avoid paying child support. Ever since then it has just been one nitpicky thing after another. Bastard. Petty bullshit. Petty bullshit that he knows will push my buttons. I have tried hard not to let on how much he is pushing my buttons, but I must say the volcano is getting close to eruption. Mighty close. . .

Grrr. . . . . yes, that IS steam you see coming from my ears.

Therapy in a Blog Post

Let me start by saying that I know that this is what I wanted. I wanted W and me to split up. I wanted us to move on without each other. I wanted us to go our separate ways. Goodness knows I have had my share of male companionship both before and after he moved out. I know, I know, I know.

Yet the feelings I have about his relationship with Q are all too real. I don’t want him back. That isn’t at all a part of the feeling. However, I felt like we were reaching a kind of even keel, a place where I was comfortable, a place where we were cooperating and working together for N’s best interests. Now we’ve gone from him telling me about Q just over a week ago to her staying at his apartment, being introduced to N and me, all in what feels like a whirlwind time frame. It has all left me somewhat breathless.

I’m sure if you asked W he would claim that I am no more knocked off kilter than he was when I finally asked him to move out of the house, or when I introduced him to BJ when we all met at a local street festival. I’m sure that he would claim introducing N to Q is no different than me introducing N to BJ. In many ways, he would be right.

Right or wrong, this has me reeling. I was just getting my mind wrapped around the idea of W with a new lady and had just talked to my counselor on Tuesday night about the best way to introduce N to her and to broach the subject at some later point about both BJ and Q becoming more permanent fixtures in our little world. My counselor helped me with a strategy for approaching W to talk it over and for the two of us together to sit down with N and talk to him about these changes in family dynamics.

Then BOOM! I go to pick N up from W’s apartment after work yesterday, and there they are, all three of them, W, N and Q, all together. I have no warning. I am not prepared. I am caught quite off guard. W, in his usual polite way, makes no move to introduce Q and me to one another so Q introduces herself to me. For the rest of the time I was there she talked incessantly even when I was trying to deal with some practical issues with W that needed attending. She interjected her opinion when W chastised me for letting N wear a hoodie instead of his winter coat yesterday. She interjected when I asked W about whether he wanted to make a purchase for N’s school fundraiser. She offered her opinion on every little thing until I just wanted to flee the scene as soon as possible. I stopped talking pretty much altogether other than to say we really must get home now. It was clear that I could not have any discussion with W in Q’s presence. It was equally clear to me that she was trying way too hard, possibly out of nerves or maybe it’s just how she is. I don’t know. For now, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, it’s got to be nerves when a person feels compelled to give their best Alvin and the Chipmunks impersonation within moments of meeting her boyfriend’s soon to be ex-wife. Right?

One thing the counselor had said to me was that N would pick up his cues from me on how to react to W’s new relationship, and I thought of that as I was there and afterwards as we drove home. I never let N see anything but positive or neutral reaction from me towards the situation. He asked me in the car if this meant that he was now going to have two moms and two dads. I told him I didn’t know what his dad’s plans are with Q, and he would have to ask his dad. I told him I didn’t know much about the situation or about Q. N told me he didn’t either.

Oh, and I named her Q for the blog because I just feel like everything I feel about her right now is just one big QUESTION.

But you know what? Here’s the thing. No matter what we’re going through right now, and no matter how tough it gets or what feelings I have about it, I still feel that W and me not being together is the right thing. Things are much more peaceful for me without him. I am proving to myself every day that I can handle so much more (including the big ugly bug in the bathtub recently, which was handled very effectively by drowning and then using copious amounts of toilet tissue to gingerly lift its dead carcass out of the tub and deposit it in the trash) than I thought I could ever do. I am able to continue on by myself. I do not need W as I once thought that I did. Had I not been so needy it would have been infinitely easier for me to leave W. Q coming into the picture has shaken me largely because it takes away a fallback position for me. If I had to I could turn to W for help. With Q in the picture I can’t really do that anymore. Truth be told, I shouldn’t have seen W that way anyway. If I’m going to be on my own, I need to be on my own, not leaning on my soon to be ex for advice and assistance when things break at the house or when I don’t know how to do something.

Amazing what a little thinking and a little writing out those thoughts can do for a person. Rereading this I can see movement from a not so good place to a better place as I worked my through this to write about it. Blogging as therapy. What a concept.

Emotions Don’t Really Care About Intellect

Yesterday, W dropped a bomb on me. He told me he is seeing someone. She lives a couple of hours away but is looking for a job here so that she can move to this area. According to him (and these are his words), “She’s older, in her 50s.” (Uh, yeah, she’s older than me, but she’s still 15-20 years younger than he is.) She intends to buy a house once she moves here, and when W’s lease is up on his apartment he intends to move in with her.

Now, part of me is thrilled. Part of me is thinking this is a very good thing because I no longer have to feel guilty about breaking up the marriage. Part of me is thinking that I no longer will have to feel responsible to take care of him if something happens. Part of me is thinking that this will make moving forward with the divorce so much easier because he is as eager to get it over with as I am.

Yeah, there is all that.

Then there’s this other part. This other part is hurt. . . and sad. . . and a little scared. This other part feels a little like I’ve lost control of a situation (that I didn’t have control over anyway, but let’s not get all logical here ’kay?) that I thought I had in my pocket.

I’m getting what I want – my freedom – so why does it feel so icky?

----------------------------------------------------

Oh yeah, and for my U.S. readers if you haven’t already, don’t forget to vote. That, or be prepared to just shut up for the next four years about whoever is elected and whatever they do. Just sayin'. . .

Odds and Ends

Not sure which of these are the odds and which the ends, but there's a bunch of 'em. Might take a while to read. Go get a cup of coffee, and maybe a muffin. Then find a comfy place to relax as you read.

1. Finally, this morning I saw Sarah Palin in an interview where she sounded almost reasonable and perhaps worthy of being in politics on a national level. Frankly, it was a relief as I had been terrified of the prospect of her being VP. Now I’m starting to think I would be only annoyed rather than terrified. My impression is that maybe her “handlers” in what I’m sure was a well-intentioned effort exerted too much pressure on her to be something different than her true self and inadvertently aided her only in coming off as a bumbling idiot in earlier outings. So now I’m looking forward to what I think could actually be a real debate between her and Biden. At least I hope it will be a real debate. Can we keep gender out of it? If so, the potential for real debate is possible. If not, I will sigh and realize we aren’t quite evolved as far as I’d hoped.


2. Bailout or no bailout? That is the question. Well, what if we turned it on its ear? What if instead of bailing out the fat cats on Wall Street we bailed out the little guy? What if instead of pumping billions into the big corporate machine, we pumped it out to those who are struggling to meet those subprime mortgage payments? Why does it have to be a top down effort? Why not build from the base? These are just brainstorming thoughts on my part so it might be completely unfeasible. However, if I were a Washington insider that’s the idea I’d throw out there and at least research its feasibility.


3. Yesterday, W called at 5:25 p.m. to let me know that he couldn’t pick N up from after school care as he normally does on Tuesdays (after school care runs until 6:00 p.m.). If this had been an emergency I would’ve been fine with it. If this had been something that came up suddenly I would’ve been fine with it. Given that he said he’d forgotten to mention it on Monday and then hadn’t found the time to let me know earlier than he did on Tuesday I was anything but fine with it. If it’s my time to have N and something comes up I can call W and ask if he’s available, but it is not even an option to just tell him that I can’t care for N at that time and he’ll have to do so. Nope, I have to find and pay for a sitter if he is unavailable. On the other hand, if W pulls a stunt like yesterday I have to change my plans to accommodate him, or I have to find, and pay for, a sitter. Grrr. . . There is an inequity here that is quite galling.


4. N wanted to have his birthday party at the local ice rink (he loves to ice skate) rather than my idea of having it at a local park with a nice play area. I was hesitant, but after finding out that it was not much more expensive to have it at the ice rink than renting the pavilion at the park (and at the ice rink they provide refreshments and goody bags which I would have had to do myself if we’d done it at the park), I agreed to it and booked it. The day after I booked it, N was talking to some of his friends, found out they wouldn’t attend if it was at the ice rink (they don’t know how to ice skate), and so he wanted to know if we could change back to doing it at the park. I told him no, because I’d had to put down a non-refundable deposit with the ice rink. Now I have an unhappy boy because he is getting his birthday party at the place he insisted upon. If it weren’t for the non-refundable deposit I’d be tempted to cancel the whole damned thing and not have a party at all. I know he’s just a kid, but a little gratitude would go a long way here.


5. I seem just a bit scatterbrained lately. Last night I took a load of clothes from the washer and put them in the dryer. This morning I went to get the clothes out of the dryer. They were still wet. I had never turned on the dryer. Duh. . .


6. French toast is good, and you know what? It really doesn’t take all that long to make, just the time to beat up a little egg batter, dip the bread and fry it up. Oatmeal takes almost as long. N and I had French toast for breakfast yesterday. We should do it more often.


7. This weekend N plays in another “Big Soccer Tournament.” I hear there will be 175 teams there of various age groups from at least three or four states. At least this one is closer to home and won’t require staying overnight with a fellow blogger. (You do realize, don’t you, that the only reason I blog is to make connections all over the world so that no matter where I travel I can save money on accommodations by staying in bloggers’ homes and taking advantage of their hospitality, soft guest beds, hot showers, and free food from their kitchens? Well, if you didn’t, you do now.) Fortunately, this is W’s weekend to have N so he gets to take him to the 8:00 a.m. game while I sleep late, blissfully unburdened with soccer mom duty for a bit. I’ll go over for at least a game or two, but not the early morning one. I’ll definitely make the Sunday afternoon championship game if his team makes it that far (and given their so far undefeated season I’d say they have a good chance) because I wouldn’t want to miss seeing that.


8. Last weekend BJ, N and I attended a fundraiser for a local charity. It’s the first time we’ve really officially done anything public as the three of us. I introduced BJ to a couple of friends of mine. I didn’t introduce him as anything like boyfriend, just as BJ with no further explanation made. I don’t know what they thought of him or the fact that I was with him. It felt awkward though, at least to me, maybe because they are friends of W’s too. I don’t know how BJ felt about it.


9. Can a couple separate and still attend the same church comfortably? That is a quandary for both me and W. He and I both enjoy our church. It is a small congregation, not a mega church so we definitely run into one another there. However, his circle of friends there and mine, while having some overlap, tend to be different in general. He tends to hang with the geriatric crowd for the most part. I tend to run with the parents of school age children and with the LGBTQA (yeah they keep expanding the list of those included with the Q being “questioning” and the A being “allies” for those not in the know) group. Because of the type church it is, we aren’t looked down upon for divorcing, and I’m not aware of anyone feeling the need to place blame or take sides. At first, we both thought that one of us might need to change churches to maintain comfort and peace, but it seems to be working for us at least for now. I guess the real test will be when one of us brings a new person from our lives into the church (and from the sound of things W may well have a new paramour in the not so distant future so he may be the first of us to bring someone else to church as BJ isn’t a big church person).

What I Wish I Had the Guts to Say

Tell me, please, what would be enough communication with you regarding N’s schedule? Why is it that for me to put together a monthly schedule is too much communication and that you think we should just “play it by ear” but then when I tell you months in advance about certain activities that have been planned, and paid for, that N will be attending then I didn’t give you enough notice when I send the monthly schedule to you that includes that event? Why is it that when I ask you for your input on the schedule you tell me it is just fine only to have you claim later that you had no idea you were supposed to have N during one of the times that the schedule clearly indicates that you are supposed to have him? Just how much communication do you want? What is enough? What is too much? What in the hell can I do to make this work more smoothly?

It is becoming increasingly obvious that you simply intend to use N as a pawn in this colossal chess game we call Life. I can see that you intend to use the scheduling of time with him as a way to control me, to keep me in line, to prevent me from having social outings with friends, to prevent me from being able to do fun things with N that are planned in advance. Does that make you happy? Do you sit in your apartment grinning from glee that you are able to continue to exert your control over me due to the fact we share a son? Or are you just so oblivious to everything and everybody other than yourself that you truly don’t get that you are totally fucking with your son’s and my psyches with your little passive aggressive bullshit? Do you care that not only do you hurt me, but you hurt your son? Does your son mean that little to you?

How did I ever love someone who could behave this way? What on earth was I thinking?

Maxing Out Emotionally

Spent the long weekend with my parents. Dad is at home recuperating from major surgery. Between hospital and SNF he spent almost eight weeks in inpatient care. He is a very private man and doesn’t really like for anyone to know his business so he has sworn my mother to secrecy over the details of the matter. She has been very good about keeping his secrets with one exception. She shares with me because (1) I’m his daughter so she thinks I have a right to know and (2) she knows I can keep a secret. If it were ever to get back to him that she has shared with me the details that she has shared he would be furious with both her and me.

That’s really a huge burden to place on anyone, holding a secret about your failing health. As primary caregiver, Mom has little relief in any way particularly since she can’t really ask for help without giving away at least a little bit of his secrets. In some ways, I understand his desire for privacy, and many times see a bit of that in myself, but it seems unfair to my mom right now. Nobody but the medical professionals they see, and me, understand what he is going through. The medical professionals don’t know, however, that Mom can’t get assistance. Only I am privy to the strain this is putting on her. I offered to take some time off and come help, but she adamantly refused. I guess her thinking is that if I did, Dad would suspect that I know more than I’m supposed to know.

On top of all this, my grandmother (Mom’s mom) is in the hospital a state away with pneumonia. While Mom would normally head down there to see about things for my grandmother, she can’t because she has to be home to take care of Dad.

Emotional Crisis #1:
Worrying about Dad’s health.

Emotional Crisis #2:
Worrying about Mom’s wellbeing given all the stresses in her life.

Emotional Crisis #3:
Worrying that my grandmother is suffering alone.

Now you would think that would be enough right there for one weekend, even a long three day weekend, but then you would be wrong. In our family, when the dam of emotional crises bursts, it releases torrential amounts. This is no stick-your-finger-in-it-and-plug-it leak. No indeed. This weekend was if-emotions-were-floodwaters-we-would-have-covered-more-than-the-great-Midwest-floods-of-2008 time.

This weekend I summoned the courage to tell my parents about the impending divorce. They knew that W and I had not been getting along for a while, but I hadn’t come out and ever said that we were living apart and getting divorced. Now I have. I dreaded it, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I talked to Mom alone and will let her share the news with Dad. I didn’t specifically intend to tell her this weekend, but the opportunity presented itself, the time seemed right, and I spilled my guts. Turns out that Mom and Dad have never been too keen on how W treats N, but of course they never said anything out of respect for me and my marriage.

Emotional Crisis #4:
Dealing with the emotions of talking about the breakup, again, and then processing the relief when the response I got was supportive rather than critical.

But of course we couldn’t just let it go at that. Oh no. Mom decided that now that my marriage is over she could tell me why my brother (FU) has refused to speak to me or allow me access to my nieces for the last four or more years. Apparently, FU hates W and didn’t want W around him or his family. My parents learned this when we were temporarily staying with them a few years ago and going over to FU’s house with them when they would babysit my niece (they only had one at the time). Apparently, he told them that they were not to bring us with them anymore because of W. Their reply was that if we couldn’t come then they wouldn’t be coming. Apparently, this has led to my parents being on the outs with FU ever since then. However, they chose not to ever share any of this with me because they didn’t want to hurt W’s feelings. Now with W out of the picture I guess it’s okay to share it with me. I’m still not sure that I believe FU’s only problem was with W, but I am sure that was at least a part of it.

Emotional Crisis #5:
Dealing with turmoil of learning just how hated W has been in my family and trying to decide how I feel about them feeling that way, them not telling me all this time, and them telling me now.

Thankfully, N missed all of these discussions. He was busy playing with the boys next door so much this weekend that it gave time for ample discussions without his presence. The discussions sure left me tossing and turning Saturday night, and not just from the horrible mattress in my parents’ guest room.

I was grateful to come home yesterday afternoon and to get away from the emotional crises for a while. Then again, why should changing locations make any difference. Why shouldn’t someone heap some more on top of me?

W decided last night would be a good time to broach the topic of splitting assets between us – in detail – as I’ve been bugging him to do for some time. Apparently, he has studied “Divorce for Dummies” and has learned to kick the ex-spouse when they’re down. I listened, half heartedly, but I refused to actually hold a discussion on the topic. I told him I was tired. I told him I would discuss it soon, but not last night. I didn’t tell him why. He sounded frustrated at my refusal to discuss it last night, but I just couldn’t muster the strength or energy or interest. I was wiped out by my weekend. I need a bit of time to rejuvenate.

Emotional Crisis #6:
Feeling overwhelmed when that one last straw hit this camel’s back.

Aaarrrggghhh…

Looking for the Right Adhesive

So we, W and I, made it, sort of, to our 20th anniversary. Twenty years ago today W and I married. I had mixed emotions back then. He asked many times before I finally agreed to marry him.

I knew it was a big step, a huge commitment, and I was somewhat scared of “locking myself in.” However, given that my self esteem was lower than low, and convinced as I was that I would be lucky to ever get any man to marry me, it seemed prudent to not let the one go that was there not only willing but eager to marry me. In addition, I was terrified of what would become of me without W. I had at that time turned my back on my family and feared they would no longer welcome me back. I didn’t have a job and was being supported 100% by W, and had been for the almost two years we’d been living together. I felt backed into a corner, dependent on W, unable to strike out on my own, unable to support myself yet unable to find another man willing to support me.

So I married W, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death us do part. Locked in. Committed. As I write this the image of the cell door clanging shut in my face is vivid. Yet I didn’t really feel that way then. Then I felt lucky. I felt lucky that I had settled my future, made myself a nest that would protect me, found a man who would take care of me. There was also that little niggling thought in the back of my brain that he was so much older than I, and with some fairly serious health issues, that I would spend some 10 or 15 years with him and then be free to move on with a new life. (Yes, I know how bad that sounds. I do. It hurts me to even acknowledge it, but those thoughts were there.)

Fast forward some twenty years. We’ve been through better times and worse times. We’ve been poor for sure and at other times, while not rich, certainly comfortable enough. We’ve each had sickness at times and enjoyed good health at others. That last thing, though, until death us do part, well, that one just ain’t gonna happen. It isn’t for a lack of trying. I know I tried. I tried for as long as I could without going stark raving looney. I believe he tried too, in his own way. We just couldn’t give what the other needed nor be satisfied to take that which we were offered by the other. It just wasn’t working.

Now that W is out of the house, everyone is much happier I think. Even though W can’t (or won’t) acknowledge it I think that even he is much happier. He does his thing (whatever his thing is) when he wants and is only required to spend a limited amount of time with N. It is amazing how much relief he is willing to express when he doesn’t have to spend time with N. You’d think N was the devil incarnate the way W acts. Yet he isn’t. He’s a good kid for the most part. He’s a kid though. He is at times messy and noisy and whiney and insolent and just your typical kid. W can’t handle it. He wants N to be a little adult, but he isn’t. He can’t be. He’s nine. He acts like he’s nine which means sometimes he acts all grown up and sometimes he acts like a toddler and most of the time he acts like a kid.

But I digress. I was discussing the marriage. This past week there were two events that solidified in my mind the absolute impossibility of W and I ever being anything more than cordial co-parents to our son.

Event #1 – N had been wanting W and I to take him to a local restaurant with games where he could spend lots of our money and with the tickets he won get some great “free” prizes (think a little more grown up than Chuck E Cheese and not quite as grown up as Dave & Busters and you’ve got the atmosphere here). It had been a while since we’d attempted anything as the three of us so, while apparently suffering temporary amnesia or maybe insanity, I agreed to the outing. It was a disaster. W, as usual, embarrassed both me and N in front of the waiter. W and N got into an argument over stupid trivial shit. I ended the evening completely frustrated and ever so glad it was over.

Event #2 – N’s baseball team had their end of season party. I arrived before W, and when W arrived he chose to sit next to me. We couldn’t sit for one hour at a party without getting into not one, not two, but three separate arguments. The man will not listen to me. He refuses to respect my decisions about my life (and I’m just talking choice of food here, salad only instead of salad and pizza, no big deal). When he sat down I should have moved to another table, but I didn’t want to look rude.

Now today is the much awaited 20th anniversary. I cringe at the thought that he may send me flowers again, as he did Valentine’s Day and my birthday this year. I have said, and will say, nothing to him about our anniversary. There will be no public acknowledgement of it by me. It will be our last anniversary for I am certain the divorce will be final within the next year.

For all my frustration with W, I still care about him. I can’t help but care about him after more than 20 years with him. It is abundantly clear though that me caring about him, and him caring about me, isn’t enough to keep us together. The glue is gone. Unfortunately, that which held us together – the fear of being alone – just wasn’t enough to hold any longer. If you want a strong bond, use the right glue. Fear is rarely ever the right glue.

What It Took/Takes/Will Take

It took a lot for me to admit that my marriage had to end. I’m not sure it ever would have ended if not for the “BJ insanity” that hit a while back. It was only then that I realized just how important it was to end my marriage, to make myself free and available for legitimate love and life. I mentioned that in this post. It has taken a while though for that lesson to really sink into my pea brain, but it jumps first and foremost in my thoughts whenever I’ve considered backing down from splitting with W. If there were no BJ, if the prospect was that I would be all alone for a while, maybe a good long while, I would still choose that over staying with W. I have enjoyed too much that taste of freedom.

I still consider myself to be something of a failure due to the failed marriage. As usual, I take on the weight of the world and count myself as the one that should have done more, been different, acted better, or whatever. It always comes back to me and what I didn’t do right when I analyze the situation. Somehow I believe that if I did the right thing, made the right choices, said the right words that I could have made it all better.

Arrogance! That’s what that attitude is. I don’t have that kind of power. I can change no one but myself. I can’t “make” anyone do anything. They have their choices to make, and they make them. What I’m trying to say is that I’m trying not to see myself as a failure just because the marriage was a failure. I’m also saying that I’m not yet convinced of that, but I’m working on it. I’m not yet convinced that it is not a weakness and a moral failing that I was unable to maintain celibacy for the sake of my marriage. I’m not yet convinced that had I been a better mother, perhaps W would have been a better father. I’m not yet convinced that I didn’t somehow hold the key to making myself live happily in that marriage and that I refused to look for that key hard enough and long enough. I must work on that attitude, that arrogance that tells me that I can do it all, make whatever impact I desire wherever I go.

And then, what of the future? What will it take for me to really trust BJ again? What will it take to make me open my heart fully and stop keeping a thin but ever present wall there between us? What will it take for me to stop reading negativity between the lines of every conversation he and I have? What will it take to convince me to stop looking over my shoulder to see what temptation may lure him away next? What will it take to get me to relax with him and trust him and believe him when he says that he will earn my trust back?

Anyone Seen My Brain?

My brain is just not working these days. Shut down. Shut off. It is an odd sort of a shell shocked feeling I think. I am right now overwhelmed by the emotions brought on by W moving out tomorrow. I know that just because he moves it isn't that we won't ever speak or see each other again because we have N between us. We will always have that connection, and we will always have to have some level of interaction. It isn't the same though. It is so different. Of course, it is already so different, even without him moving out. We don't ever touch one another. We don't see one another unclothed anymore. We are very careful to keep doors closed and knock before entering. We barely speak to one another. I no longer wear my wedding ring although he continues to wear his. That one fact speaks volumes about the difference in how he and I feel. Part of me feels guilty because I know that I have made W exceedingly unhappy by pushing this divorce on him, and yet there is still that part of me that rejoices at the impending freedom headed my way.

Sigh. . . . . . . . . . .