Nothingness

So much is jumbled in my brain right now that I can’t seem to make heads or tails of it to even post about it. Yet there is frustration welling within me that I just need to vent somehow, and usually that somehow is posting. Therefore, this will be a stream of consciousness post – random tidbits floating through my head that need a place to park.

• I dreamed that I came home and there was a hammer sticking out of my mailbox. That is absolutely all I remember of that dream. I don’t even remember any emotions associated with it, just that it seemed a bit unusual for a hammer to be sticking out of the mailbox. Weird.



• I love my bed. It is the perfect bed for me, not too hard, not too soft, not too big, not too small. It is (as Goldilocks would say) JUST RIGHT. Having made that determination I have now decided that before I rent the master bedroom out to a tenant I will switch furniture between the master bedroom and my new room (old guest room). Bad news: lots of furniture moving to be done. Good news: at least both rooms are on the same floor of the house just down the hall from each other.



• I love having BJ close by. It is ever so much better to see him every week or two than the sometimes months that would go by without seeing each other before he moved.



• Budget constraints being what they are I have rediscovered the joys of eating at home. I haven’t made any great strides towards cooking real food from scratch, but even using convenience foods from the store is cheaper than eating out. Tonight I’m going to make banana bread with the bananas that are getting just a touch over ripe for eating by themselves so that will be at least a little bit of real cooking.



• W totaled his car recently. He’s okay. I know, I know, it ain’t none of my business nomore, but I really wish he would quit driving and make the roads safer for everyone.



• W is frustrating the crap out of me when it comes to N. He used to take care of all the appointments for things like doctors, dentists, haircuts, sports registration, and so forth. Now he refuses to do any of that and tells me that’s my job now because I wanted a divorce. Am I the only one who thinks that he and I divorcing shouldn’t impact that? Am I the only one who thinks that if he has N during the day he should be willing to take N to appointments rather than make me miss work to come and get him, take him to the appointment, and return him to W’s place? Am I the one being unreasonable here?



• All of the above items are just little surface crap and not at all getting to the heart of the issue. I’m not letting myself open up even to myself about the heart of the issue. The ugliness of feelings will continue until I do.