Thursday, July 10, 2008


I wrote this a while back, several months back, but never posted it. I'm not sure why I didn't post it then, but I didn't. It no longer reflects my current feelings, but it does capture the feelings that I've had in the past many times. I'm getting better at not focusing on the negative things, and focusing more on the positive. This poem is a reminder to me of the place to which I don't want to return.

Where is the rage?
It is deep within me
Wanting to get out
Waiting for it’s time

Waiting for what?
For someone to care
To freely give to me
The unconditional love I crave

The rage waits patiently
As the years go by
Nobody will love me
If the rage comes out

That is part of the rage
The anger that comes from the knowledge
That nobody loves me as I am
But only as who they want me to be

Don’t get mad
Don’t be angry
Don’t feel those negative emotions
Nobody loves a loser

I’ve learned those lessons well
And turned those emotions inward
I take the brunt of their force
I absorb the pain

But the pressure builds within
The pain grows inside me
I alternate nausea and breathlessness
I am losing my bearings

Where is the rage?
It is very nearby
It is in my throat
It may soon come flying from my mouth


Jaded Bunny said...

You got what you wanted for so long now. And ever since you've been utterly miserable.

What is the problem here?

Trueself said...

JB - Perhaps you missed the opening paragraph. Try reading it and see if you still feel your comment is valid.

Jaded Bunny said...

I did read that.

I just happened to leave my comment on this post. But I've been thinking it every time I read your blog.

I understand the parent thing.

But for the rest?

I don't know. I guess I was expecting you to hit the ground running. Free from the shackles of that wretched marriage and... well... I don't know. I suppose I expect too much sometimes.

on a more personal note... when I (finally) got out from under my horrible first marriage I was liberated. Free. I felt true happiness for the first time in my life. Relief and a new beginning. I grabbed life by the throat and I have not let go.

I guess I just wanted you to find happiness. Fucked up as that may sound coming from me.

I'll slink back to my lurking status now. I did kinda regret that comment anyway. But,I do wish you the very best.


Trueself said...

Fair enough.

I think you do expect too much. Getting through this time is a longer process than oh-he's-out-of-the-house-and-I'm-free. I still deal with him on an almost daily basis as we coparent N. We are not legally divorced yet so we still have to deal with certain joint assets and liabilities. Add to the top of that the fact that I suffer from a medical condition called depression, not just situational depression, but clinical depression of an organic nature. While the stresses of life certainly exacerbate the depression, they are not the entire cause. Therefore, the removal of them does not completely irradicate the symptoms though it does lessen them.

So yes, perhaps you expect too much, particularly if you expect that everyone will react to a certain set of circumstances exactly as you think you would.

It doesn't at all sound fucked up to me that you want me to find happiness. I've always thought that was your motivation with me and with Pretty Peanut, even when I didn't care for the harsh tone. I accept the harsh tone for what it is, your m.o., and read beyond it for the substance, and the substance has always shouted to me "I care!"