I wrote this a while back, several months back, but never posted it. I'm not sure why I didn't post it then, but I didn't. It no longer reflects my current feelings, but it does capture the feelings that I've had in the past many times. I'm getting better at not focusing on the negative things, and focusing more on the positive. This poem is a reminder to me of the place to which I don't want to return.
Where is the rage?
It is deep within me
Wanting to get out
Waiting for it’s time
Waiting for what?
For someone to care
To freely give to me
The unconditional love I crave
The rage waits patiently
As the years go by
Nobody will love me
If the rage comes out
That is part of the rage
The anger that comes from the knowledge
That nobody loves me as I am
But only as who they want me to be
Don’t get mad
Don’t be angry
Don’t feel those negative emotions
Nobody loves a loser
I’ve learned those lessons well
And turned those emotions inward
I take the brunt of their force
I absorb the pain
But the pressure builds within
The pain grows inside me
I alternate nausea and breathlessness
I am losing my bearings
Where is the rage?
It is very nearby
It is in my throat
It may soon come flying from my mouth
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THIS BLOG IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. Anyone under 18 should leave immediately. This blog started as a place to chronicle my attempt at rekindling a long ago romance in spite of the fact that we were both married to others but evolved into a journal of my sexual revolution and now what is hopefully my maturation into a fully functional adult.
Just Who Do I Think I Am?
- Trueself
- A Little Place I Call Home, Midwest, United States
- I'm a middle-aged woman going through a midlife crisis. Sometimes I wonder if I'll live through it. Trying to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing.
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- We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all exist very nicely in the same box. -- Unknown
- Sometimes you just do what you gotta do, mess or not. -- BJ
- The power to believe in yourself, is the power to change fate.
- You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.
- Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -- Plato
- Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. -- Matthew 7:1-5
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Who's Who in Trueself's World
- Trueself (aka TS) - Me, a fat nerdy middle-aged widow with a great job (provided the company stays in business), a great son, and a messed up life
- N - My son, my reason for living, the greatest gift God ever gave me besides His own Son
- J - My high school sweetheart with whom I share love and the occasional rendezvous
- W - My husband, for better or worse; I took care of him until the day he died.
- Freud - My therapist
- Dr K - My psychiatrist, the one who medicates me when the talk therapy with Freud just isn't enough
- Boss - My previous supervisor who used to scare the shit out of me and now I only find mildly annoying on most days.
- Snow White - A coworker, also psycho
- Betty - A coworker who is practically perfect in every way and more than a little annoying to the rest of us mere mortals
- FU - My brother; the initials here may or may not represent what I would like to tell him most of the time
- FU2 - FU's wife, my sister-in-law
- Bella and Ella - My two nieces, daughters of FU and FU2
- Gladys - My next door neighbor whom I've named after the nosy neighbor on Bewitched. They're two of a kind.
- RB - Temporary housemate who lived with us while she was separated from her husband.
- TS2 - Former housemate who just so happens to have the same first name as I do. She drove W & N crazy, and sometimes me a little bit too, but the extra income from her rent sure helped.
- M - FWB from early fall 2009 through spring 2010 when he moved a couple of hours away
- BJ (aka Z) - The man I loved who just didn't turn out to be the right one no matter how much I loved him
- D - A former coworker and former friend who is in very many ways completely opposite of me. Why we get along is anyone's guess, but we did. . . until we didn't.
- C - My bestest best friend I thought, but we've drifted apart
- Q - W's girlfriend while he and I were separated
- H, K, & S - Guys I met online who shared with me various levels of adult type fun from time to time
- G & L - Guys I met online that went nowhere
- R & V - Women I met online that went nowhere
- T - J's second ex-wife
- If an actual name is used instead of just a letter it is generally not the real name but a name made up to protect anonymity.
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- LNJ - Where I currently live (stands for Location of New Job)
- LOH - Where I lived before (stands for Location of Old Home)
- ST1 - Small Town 1, where I was born and where my grandparents lived
- TV1 - Tiny Village 1, where I spent infancy and a few years after TV2
- TV2 - Tiny Village 2, where I lived during toddlerhood
- TV3 - Tiny Village 3, where I spent most of my elementary school years
- ST2 - Small Town 2, where I lived during the high school/college years
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49% Geek, 82% Nerd
Makes Sense to Me
You aren't paranoid if people really are out to get you
4 comments:
You got what you wanted for so long now. And ever since you've been utterly miserable.
What is the problem here?
JB - Perhaps you missed the opening paragraph. Try reading it and see if you still feel your comment is valid.
I did read that.
I just happened to leave my comment on this post. But I've been thinking it every time I read your blog.
I understand the parent thing.
But for the rest?
I don't know. I guess I was expecting you to hit the ground running. Free from the shackles of that wretched marriage and... well... I don't know. I suppose I expect too much sometimes.
on a more personal note... when I (finally) got out from under my horrible first marriage I was liberated. Free. I felt true happiness for the first time in my life. Relief and a new beginning. I grabbed life by the throat and I have not let go.
I guess I just wanted you to find happiness. Fucked up as that may sound coming from me.
I'll slink back to my lurking status now. I did kinda regret that comment anyway. But,I do wish you the very best.
Bye.
Fair enough.
I think you do expect too much. Getting through this time is a longer process than oh-he's-out-of-the-house-and-I'm-free. I still deal with him on an almost daily basis as we coparent N. We are not legally divorced yet so we still have to deal with certain joint assets and liabilities. Add to the top of that the fact that I suffer from a medical condition called depression, not just situational depression, but clinical depression of an organic nature. While the stresses of life certainly exacerbate the depression, they are not the entire cause. Therefore, the removal of them does not completely irradicate the symptoms though it does lessen them.
So yes, perhaps you expect too much, particularly if you expect that everyone will react to a certain set of circumstances exactly as you think you would.
It doesn't at all sound fucked up to me that you want me to find happiness. I've always thought that was your motivation with me and with Pretty Peanut, even when I didn't care for the harsh tone. I accept the harsh tone for what it is, your m.o., and read beyond it for the substance, and the substance has always shouted to me "I care!"
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