Snow White and the Evil Witch

Let me introduce you to Snow White, a coworker.  I've not written about her before here.  I certainly can't write about her on fb since we are fb friends even though she can whine and complain about whatever she wants whenever she wants because, oh my goodness, people just don't do things her way.

I call her Snow White because her looks remind me something of the Disney version of Snow White.  I count myself as the evil witch because I'll be damned if I had a poison apple I might be tempted to leave it on her desk.

Snow and I used to get along, but that was before... before she got promoted so that she is now at the same level that I am but in a different role.  Watching her transform from hard worker and stellar employee to entitled bully has been quite the education for me.  I have been amazed at the immense changes I have seen in her.

She has always been a little self serving, but she is quickly becoming a major bully in the workplace.  Because I'm her friend I've been spared (somewhat), but holy cow the havoc she wreaks around here on an almost daily basis is about to send me over the edge.  Guess it's a good thing I went ahead with that request for FMLA leave which will start next week if for no other reason than to escape this mess for a while.

I pick up a conversation she and I had this afternoon via IM.  I skip the first part because to put proper context on some of it would take too long.  We pick it up when she has been picking on someone whom I tried to defend.

Snow 4:37 PM

Ok. Well she certainly is vocal

Me 4:38 PM

definitely not the roll over and take it type like me

Snow 4:38 PM

Honestly, I think somewhere in between is probably best. She tends to go into it as if it was done deliberately to make her life worse

Me 4:39 PM

Which is generally how I see the world but accept that griping about it gets me nowhere

which is also why the stress builds up to the point it does with me and then I end up on a 6 week mental health leave

Snow 4:40 PM

I think I was told too often that I wasn't special, and that the world does NOT revolve around me to think that way

Oh, and the ever popular "don't be so selfish"

Me 4:43 PM

I suppose I think less that people deliberately sabotage me than I think they cover their lazy stupidity by saying things that make me feel like they are sabotaging me.

Snow 4:43 PM

I have occassional moments like that

That's totally spelled wrong

Me 4:44 PM

They "thought" they told me about that. They were "sure" I knew about that. Those are the times I feel sabotaged.

Snow 4:45 PM

Oh, those don't bother me. I think because I say them often enough to people since my memory is like swiss cheese

Mine is where they keep pointing to records as problems, but the problem is with THEIR system

Me 4:47 PM

See, and that wouldn't bother me because I could easily just reiterate that the records are correct and leave it at that.

Snow 4:47 PM

It doesn't bother me the first time. It bothers me when they come back with more "issues" again and again

Me 4:47 PM

It's mostly the ones where I feel accused of not knowing what I should when I feel that if they wanted me to know something they should have told me.

I can't just "know" when I don't know.

Those are the ones that make me want to kick people's teeth out.

Snow 4:48 PM

Meh, I just figure they forgot

Me 4:49 PM

Then they need to own that and not put the blame on me.

Snow 4:50 PM

I usually just say "oh, I wasn't aware of that" and redo the query

 

At that point, I just quit.  She and I are on vastly different wavelengths right now.  Perhaps I'm just a wee bit touchy that ever since I shared with her, in confidence, why I am taking the leave of absence, she has been suffering from the most overwhelming case of depression ever and has missed several days of work and is just in so much worse shape than I am yet she keeps soldiering on while I have clearly given in while suffering far less because I've been able to keep up a facade that she can't.

 

C'mon Snow White, I'd be happy to share my lunch with you.  Why look!  Here's a beautiful shiny red apple.  Have a bite.

The Power of Writing and Other Things

Pretty sure my post on my depression last Wednesday had a beneficial effect on my mental health.  I know something did.  Whether it was that or something else I feel better (better being a relative term here) than I did a week ago.

However, I'm fighting another battle, related to the depression sort of, that I have also helped by writing a two page single-spaced missive.  Whether it actually gets used for its intended purpose or not remains to be seen.

This battle is one at work.  It will come as no surprise to anyone to learn that my employer, similar to most U.S. employers, provide little in the way of paid time off to their employees.  Because of that, when there was a shitstorm of family member medical and educational issues that all came up at the same time a few months ago, I took as little time off to deal with them as was possible.  I took care of a whole lot of things for both W and N as they recuperated.  I basically gave up my life to work and family care.  Period.  Nothing for me.  I thought I could do it.  I did it.  Then when W and N were both better, I took a deep breath, relaxed, and basically turned into a basketcase.

Fast forward a couple of months, as I continued to drag myself out of bed, get myself to work to do what I had to in order to get by, provide chauffeur services to W and N since I'm the only driver in the family (and thank goodness that will change in a few months as N gets his license), and to stress out about all the things that aren't getting done because I'm too tired/lazy/overwhelmed. 

Thinking it over, and reviewing The Company's policies on vacation and leave for various reasons, I decided to look into taking a six week personal leave of  absence.  Wanting to work with Boss to make things as smooth as possible I told him about my plan and that I was going to make an appointment with HR to ask some questions that I had about what I had read in the policy and also to assess whether it would be financially feasible for me to bear the burden of about 2/3 of the time off being unpaid.  Reflecting back later, I believe Boss thought that following my research I would decide not to request the time off.

The next week, I met with Boss again, having gotten favorable answers to my questions to HR and also working with W to figure out how we could liquidate some investments to cover my unpaid time, to tell him that I planned to turn in a request for personal leave.  I was a little surprised when he said, "Give me some time to think about this."  However, I agreed, and we left it at that at that time.

I heard nothing for over a week when all of a sudden a meeting request comes through my Outlook to discuss the leave with Boss.  I figured there might be some negotiation on whether six weeks was feasible and was ready to compromise down to five, possibly four if I had to.  Timing, I thought, might also be an issue, and I was ready to be somewhat flexible on that.

That was not what the meeting was about.  The meeting was simply to tell me that just because The Company has a policy on unpaid personal leave doesn't mean they actually grant unpaid personal leave.  Wait... what?  Yes.  My boss encouraged me to try to get the leave covered under FMLA.  Then The Company would have no choice but to grant it if I could present a valid reason for an FMLA leave.  In essence, I was told to go to my psychiatrist, get her to declare me mentally ill to the extent that I need a medical leave, and I can have my time off.  Otherwise, no go.  Also, Boss said I could go ahead and turn in a request for unpaid personal leave, and state my case, but that he wouldn't count on it being successful since it would have to be approved both by him and by HR which won't happen.

Well, I've written a two page thesis on the subject of why I should be granted an unpaid personal leave.  Writing it felt WONDERFUL, very cathartic, very helpful in letting go of the thoughts so they no longer have to occupy my brain but can occupy the written document and be referred back to at any time.  I have not yet submitted it or my request for leave.  I am debating whether to do so before my appointment with my psychiatrist next week or not.  I'm leaning towards waiting and see what comes of my discussion with her.  I've already discussed it with Freud, and he is very supportive of me asserting my need for some serious time off.

Picking up Steam

Ok people here’s the deal. I have been through both a first round and second round interview for a new job. I have been asked to provide references. I have been treated very well by these people. This would be a position with a multi-national, publicly traded company that is huge (and I mean really huge), but probably one you’ve barely heard of, if at all, because it does most of its work providing services behind the scene for other really big companies as well as some smaller ones.

One guy who interviewed me tried to downplay my chances – interviewing several, looking for the right fit, not everyone suited to this job and this environment, yada, yada, yada. Another guy who interviewed me indicated that I’m definitely in serious consideration. Now certainly these two statements are not mutually exclusive. I’m sure I am under serious consideration and that there are other well qualified candidates too.

So now we sit. . . on pins and needles. . . waiting to hear something. . . it might be as long as two to three weeks before a decision is made says one guy. Great. Take your time. These pins and needles are just soft as eider down. (Sarcasm you say? What sarcasm? Oh, well maybe a bit. I am a wiseass after all. At least I didn’t say it out loud. And yes, I know that for the candidate a couple of weeks seems like forever, but to the company looking it seems like the blink of an eye. I know. I’ve been on both sides of the table.) The good news though is that after the first interview I was told it might be a week to ten days before I heard back from them yet I received the request for the second round interview within 24 hours so maybe it won’t be so long or so bad after all.

And precious readers, this job sounds good to me, not great but definitely good. If I get an offer I will have to seriously consider it, weigh all the pros and cons of staying at the current job vs. those of taking the new job before making the decision to leap.

Oh and BTW, my therapist says he sees a world of difference in my attitude and outlook and demeanor from a year ago to now. I am much more upbeat, engaged, and invested in life. I feel it too. I just didn’t know it showed through so much to other people. Finally, I feel like after years of trying to get there, we’ve got the depression under control with the right combination of meds and therapy. Finally I’m coming back out into the world as the real me, my TRUE SELF, and enjoying it so even if I don’t get an offer for this job I know there will be other opportunities for other jobs as well as the ability to work toward making this job a better one.

Whew! I’m so glad to be back on track after derailing for a few really hard years.

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 395

Still lacking time. However, the quickie update is this: second round interview this week for new job; loving the choir I just joined; Boss and Betty are going to drive me batty yet; got another cold call from a recruiter this a.m. for a job that sounds right up my alley, but is located in Cedar Rapids, hmmm. . . I wasn't really wanting to move, but. . . ; given that I haven't been looking for these positions I'm thinking God is trying to tell me it is time to move on from this workplace; participated in Gay Pride fest recently and think that when I mentioned it to some of my coworkers they are now wondering (but afraid to ask) if I'm a lesbian; I'm enjoying the ambiguity, maybe because sometimes I feel like being bisexual is all about ambiguity; in that same vein, I may have a budding same sex romance but it's too early to tell.

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Leads :: follows or gets out of the way
2. Concierge :: hotel
3. Thousand :: tongues
4. Engines :: motorcycles
5. Argument :: disagreement
6. 2006 :: I got nothin'
7. Knot :: tie
8. Fuck :: you!
9. Handsome :: bastard
10. Ridge :: Ruffles

Really Quick Update apropos Nothing at All

This is a scatter shot post – just things that I must say but without the time to really talk about them to the extent I’d like.

Item #1
I auditioned for and was accepted into a local women’s choir. This is not just a cutesy little community group either. This is a group that has four CDs published and has won a national award or two. To say I’m ecstatic would be an understatement.

Item #2
N and I went on vacation last week. It was the hottest week of the summer, and we spent it at a theme park, water park, and attending a major league baseball game. I may never be hydrated enough ever again.

Item #3
W is absolutely driving me crazy. Thank goodness I had vacation last week without him. (Actually I invited him to come with us but he declined. In this case, he was smarter than I.)

Item #4
A little more than a week ago I had a first round HR only interview for a local job at a global company. I am supposed to hear this week if I get asked back for an interview with the hiring manager. Keep your fingers crossed ‘cause this sounds like a good job.

Item #5
My hair is longer now than it has been since I was in college, and I’m actually enjoying it. I always thought old ladies weren’t allowed to wear their hair long, but I’ve always liked my hair best that way. Wanna know why I let it grow? J asked me to back when we first got together again. Go figure. . .

Item #6
There is no sex in my life right now. M moved late in the spring, and of course W and I have nothing at all physical between us other than the occasional hand extended to help each other get up out of a low chair. I miss sex.

That’s it for now.

They Always Leave

As I started writing this it was a dead heat between family revelations and work shit so I started with work shit only to have family revelations win the poll by a narrow margin. Luckily for my reading public this one was practically finished already so I’m putting in the hopper to post on Monday. Wow. Two posts within one week’s time. Totally radical, dude.

One day last week just as soon as I came into work, before I even had a chance to get coffee, the newest coworker (been here just since spring) in my department shared with me that she has given notice and will be leaving to return to a former employer. I was sorry to hear of that because she’s a good worker, catches on quickly, and is pleasant to be around. She is also vastly over-qualified for the position she has here and even though I genuinely believe she did not intend to do so she parlayed this situation into a much better job at the old employer. So I congratulated her, and sighed knowing that we may not be so lucky to get someone as good as she is when they hire her replacement. Oh well, life goes on.

Then, not a half hour later D asks me to go on a break with her. It isn’t at all unusual for us to go on breaks together. However, usually we do so in the afternoon rather than the morning. She clearly had something on her mind that she wanted to discuss with me. We went to one of our quiet places near work and sat down. Then she dropped the bombshell. On top of our new coworker leaving, D is also going to be leaving and moving one state away for personal reasons. The only difference is that D is uncertain of her timing. She has no new job to go to yet although she is actively looking. Once she finds something she will be out of here with no regrets about leaving.

D shared with me why she is moving to another state. I won’t share it here as that is her story not mine. I will share here that I think it is a lame reason that she is moving, a reason that makes little sense to me yet it isn’t my business so I said nothing critical to her about the move. Certainly she shouldn’t stay here just because I finally have a friend near by, something that has been few and far between in my life.

I’ve known for a long time, practically since she started last fall, that D is unhappy at work. The job is not a good fit for her, and she has as much or more difficulty getting along with Boss and Betty (a new name for the sidebar, given due to her annoying Betty Rubble laugh; this is a coworker who thinks she is God and has convinced many of the superiors around here of this which makes life more difficult for the rest of us mere mortals who can never live up to her perfection in every way) than I do. While I’m the live and let live type who tries to do just roll with the flow, D is the type who wants things the way she wants things and fights for it. She has bumped heads with Boss many times. Betty intimidates D (as she does me also) so that D is incredibly uncomfortable with Betty. D won’t fight Betty, and it drives D crazy because she doesn’t handle being the underdog well. I can’t fight Betty, and I just ignore Betty as much as possible and do my own thing as I’m used to being the underdog in most situations. All of this to say that as unhappy as D is here in this job it would be ridiculous for me to try to persuade her to stay.

So I’m screwed. No, I don’t think I’ll lose my job anytime soon particularly since I’m sure I’ll have extra duties at least for a while, but life at work is going to get a whole lot less pleasant unless at least one of my new coworkers just happens to click with me like D did.

Word to the wise: if your department has a lot of turnover, like a revolving door kind of turnover, you may want to look at the cause. You may want to see if there is something you or others in your department are doing to make newcomers feel unwelcome. I’ve worked in two places like this now in the last few years, and in both cases I can identify significant flaws in how the department is managed that contribute significantly to the high turnover rate.

And, well, life goes on. . .

Those who don't learn from history are destined to repeat it

What do you do when you see your current employer going down the same path that a former employer took that landed the former employer in bankruptcy?

Well, if you’re me you start talking to management level people about it. You tell them exactly where you see the parallels. You tell them that with 20/20 hindsight here’s what the old employer’s management staff, as well as others outside of the company, saw as having been the downfall of the former employer. You tell them that you are concerned for the path of this company based on your prior experience.

And then what do you get? If you are like me you’ll be told that this situation is completely different and that going bankrupt or even out of business is not even a possibility. If you are luckier than me you’ll be heard and your ideas will be considered within the context of all that is happening. Maybe decisions won’t be different, but at least they will have been made with due consideration of all circumstances and possible outcomes. At least then if they chose short term gain at the expense of long term survival it would be an informed choice.

I’m sure they are right, and I am wrong. After all, they are the big powerful executives, and I am but an insignificant peon. However, at least for myself, I now have this on record so that if my fears turn out to be well-founded I will know that I was right and they were wrong. (And honestly people? That happens more often than most people would like to acknowledge which is why I just might document more of these kinds of things here. As an anonymous blog, it won’t make anyone more likely to listen to me IRL, but at least I will have it written somewhere even if it is just for myself.) If that happens, I will not be happy.

No, I would prefer that this employer stay in business. I think it provides an excellent service for its customers. I think that this geographic area would suffer without this company just as my former area of residence suffered when my former employer went out of business.

Sigh. . .

If only someone would listen. . .

Just a little summary of how things are going lately.

GOOD
• Thanks to not divorcing W and not having to pay him his equity in the house the mortgage has been fully paid off this month.
• I finally got the Mirena IUD placed late last month, and it will hopefully help with the “lady issues” I’ve struggled with for so long. So far so good according to my Dr.
• Summer is almost here meaning camps for N, vacation for N and me at some point, and hopefully no more cold weather for a few months.
• I’ve gone back to manicuring my own nails on a fairly regular basis and even bought some new nail polish. N likes when I wear bright red (which I seldom do), but I prefer more muted tones.

BAD
• For N’s soccer tournament this weekend the weather looks to be clear on Friday and Sunday, but his games are on Saturday and Monday when the forecast is less kind.
• Last week we wrapped up in blankets to watch Little League. This week we are sweltering even in the shade even in the evening.
• W’s health is not so great, not that it has been for a long time, but his current issues are really hurting him. I’d go into more detail except for the fear he would search on a symptom or disease or whatnot and find this blog. Not that it matters that much, but there’s no reason to hurt his feelings more than I already have.
• N’s been on the DL (disabled list for those of you that were thinking down low) a lot lately first with strep throat and now with a sprained wrist. It’s bumming him out to miss so much baseball and soccer. At least the wrist is better enough that he’s back to playing soccer since it doesn’t count on wrist strength and flexibility much to play soccer.

UGLY
• My hair, which is in its natural state of long, scraggly, and graying. Hopefully, with the mortgage paid off I can return to keeping it beautiful. I’d still like it long, but less scraggly and less gray.
• Work has been ugly for a while now. I am kind of caught in the middle of a personality clash situation that I didn’t intend to be in the middle of. I’m sorry, but I can get along with each party separately. The fact that they can’t get along with one another shouldn’t be my problem. Must refuse to listen to both sides. Play nice girls, play nice.
• The lawn at home is more scraggly than my hair, but at least it’s the right color – green. Again with the mortgage paid off maybe I can hire someone to do something about it. I’m so terrified of the poison ivy and poison sumac (due to the bad reactions I have had in the past) that’s out there I just can’t bring myself to get out there and do it myself.

Okay so that’s my update. It ain’t much, but it’s all I got.

Thursday Therapy: I’m Not 50. . . Yet

Okay, so I’ve been away from the blogosphere for a while. Looking at my last post it’s been almost a month, and that wasn’t much of a post either. So is anything wrong? Have I succumbed to some physical/emotional/mental ailment? Have I fallen from the face of the Earth? Have I been incarcerated? Was I marooned on a desert island? Where the hell have I been? Or did nobody even miss me?

The truth is the explanation for my absence is twofold. First, and this is good news, my job is now occupying virtually all of my “at work” time. Instead of being bored by little work and little challenge I am now challenged on a daily basis with engaging assignments that leave little time for random internet tomfoolery. Second, and this is also good news, I am doing well in most aspects of my life right now. A calm and steady life does not make good blog fodder. However, I do need to still journal here occasionally. I find I learn a lot by rereading old posts of mine and sometimes get a well needed reminder of some lesson learned along the way but perhaps forgotten.

Being that it’s Thursday and that I just had my appointment with Freud on Tuesday it seems fitting to settle back into the routine with a Thursday Therapy post.

Freud pretty much summed up our last session this way: “When a client is bombarded with stress from multiple places I worry some when I hear from them that they are coping by drinking a bit more or indulging in some other self-destructive behavior, but when you say you’re coping by becoming more involved in church that seems like a pretty healthy option.” And yes, without even thinking about it as a healthy choice that’s what I’ve been doing lately – becoming more plugged into church and church activities, trying to develop a foundation, or a net if you will, to have something beneath me, supporting me, making it possible for me to feel that I have a support system upon which I can call when things are tough. (Wow! That was one long and convoluted sentence. No time nor energy to go back though and fix sentence structure. Live with it.) I suppose that’s not the worst coping strategy a person could choose. ;-)

I love my sessions with Freud. He has a way of reframing things so that I see things through different glasses. He points out to me all the good things I’m doing. He is the best boost to my self esteem that I believe I have ever had. I see him as an impartial party who calls ‘em as he sees ‘em. He doesn’t hesitate to point out things I’m doing that aren’t good for me so I do feel that he is honest in his assessments, doling out the good and the bad as needed.

He’s working on me to stop being so hard on myself all the time. I am way too good at beating myself up, quite the expert at the negative self talk. In some ways, it is a self defense mechanism. If I criticize myself harshly, the theory goes, then there’s hardly room for others to do so. However, I’ve been so good at it that I believed my own hype – I’m stupid, I’m lazy, I’m not a good _______ (insert noun of choice here), I’m an idiot, I’ll never be good enough. Beating yourself up can really beat you down.

But things are looking up. Nothing in my surroundings has changed so awfully much – all the same people doing all the same things – but my attitude is a thousand times better. I really believe that I, with help from therapy and pharmaceuticals, am kicking the depression to the curb. I am taking things on with a more positive attitude and looking at things with an eye for how the worst case scenario isn’t really all that bad while believing the worst case scenario isn’t all that likely either.

So my boss is still a jerk, but at least I have interesting work and have a job that I’m not likely to lose unless the company experiences mass layoffs in which case I would be eligible for unemployment. Not so bad, right? So W is still W, still struggling off and on with health issues that look like they could be fatal but never are, but at least I have changed my attitude to towards him and have found ways to make myself content, for the most part, to care for him for the remainder of his life. So W is still W and saying things that are wholly inappropriate to N and to others, but at least I have found the peace to allow those things to reflect badly on him rather than us. So M is probably moving a couple of hours away within a few months, but at least I’ve learned from my relationship with him that it is possible not to have to have a romantic attraction to someone in order to have a quite fulfilling physical relationship.

So I share my birthday with Earth Day, and I’ve been around longer than Earth Day which I think means I’m older than dirt. However, by looking on the bright side I am adopting as my slogan for the upcoming year:
“I’m still not 50. . . yet.”

Happy Anniversary

Today is my three year anniversary at my job. Looking back three years ago it seems like such a short time in some ways and a lifetime ago in others. The new job meant a second big move in just a few years’ time, a disruption whose effects continue to ripple through my life. Some things are better than they were then, some things are worse, some are just different but not really better or worse, and some things are just still the same. Let’s look at each category, shall we?

Better

• BJ and I have run our course
• M is a steady source of physical release so I’m not so on edge all the time
• Meds for the depression finally seem to be right
• Freud is helping me be a better me
• I have season Illini basketball tickets
• I love, love, love, love, love my church
• I have developed true friendships with a few people

Worse

• I keep letting J back into my life in spite of him being on marriage #3
• I am dealing with a house I never should have bought
• Finances continue to worsen, at least for the next few months
• My relationship with my parents is becoming more strained again
• My weight is back up to where it was before I lost weight several years ago
• I let Gladys intimidate me to the point where I don’t use my backyard

Just Different

• N is a precocious 11-year-old instead of a precocious 8-year-old
• N is focusing on soccer and basketball as his sports of choice rather than doing everything
• Different boss, now that we’ve cleared the air I no longer consider this a worse thing, but I’m not ready to say it’s a better thing either

Same

• W is still here, once again living in my home
• W and I are still married
• I am still miserable being with W
• I still hate the stupid Hallmark holiday in the middle of February
• I still hate Midwestern winters
• I still miss living in northern CA

Overall, I would say that the Betters outweigh the Worses. Also, many of those Sames are things I need to help change so there’s plenty of room to keep making the Better list longer.

******************* 

On another note, (although I suppose one could argue this could’ve been part of the Better list) I have returned to reading one book every week or two. While this isn’t near what my reading used to be it is far greater than it has been in a long time and probably about as much as my busy life can accommodate currently. I credit getting the depression under control with bringing back my ability to concentrate and focus long enough to actually read and comprehend. I recently obtained a library card and am having a ball checking out books and reading.

Thursday Therapy: Round and Round We Go

Okay, so my intention was to talk to Freud about the whole W mess and how I am inches from killing (figuratively folks, just figuratively) him were it not for my strong distaste for orange jumpsuits and and doing laundry for 200 other convicted felons. However, we didn't spend much time on that. We again spent time on my work issues, and how that's going and how I can navigate amidst the non-people-oriented people with whom my department is so heavily laden.

I was happy to report to Freud that due to his kind suggestions at our last session I was able to talk to Boss without coming across as a bull in a china closet. For now, things are going so much better, at least between me and Boss. However, there are certainly still issues within the department not the least of which are disgruntled coworkers and a whole lot of backstabbing and distrust and ugliness. I will spare you the details. I didn't spare Freud however. He got to listen to me spout off about all the dysfunction within our department.

In order to understand the department where I work think back to when you were in school. Remember the nerdy brainy kids who were also really shy? You know, the ones whose clothes were never fashionable, who sat on the sidelines reading a book when everyone was playing? Remember those kids? Okay, now think about a bunch of those kids, all grown up and working together in one department. They are all used to being the outsiders. They are all quiet. They are all always waiting for the really cool kids to pick on them. And they have no idea at all how to interact with one another. I swear, we need group and individual therapy for this department. I have never quite seen a grouping like this.

All of this to say that we spent a good deal of time working on strategies for me to navigate through the situations that come up at work due to our strange little group. (Now don't think I only think the others are strange. Oh no, I'm right there with them, just as strange, just as nerdy, just as socially awkward.)

Oh, and the last few minutes, I shared with Freud the incident between W and me. Dealing with that is at the top of the to do list for our next session.

Well Tip Me Over with a Feather

Yesterday Boss sat down and asked for my opinion on some work issues. That's right. . . HE.ASKED.FOR.MY.OPINION. And then. . . and then. . . he actually acted interested in what I had to say! I know! It's like a miracle from heaven.

Believe you me I looked out the window, but I didn't see any pigs flying.

What on earth is happening here? I swear I'm going to go read Revelations again. This has got to be one of the end signs.

(Lordy, can you just feel the oozing goodness of sarcasm at work here? Sticky syrupy sarcasm hanging on every word? Yeah, better go wash your hands.)

Thursday Therapy: Working for a Living

Haven’t written a TT post in a few weeks. Life intervened and focused me elsewhere, but I’m back now and hope to continue these weekly therapeutic posts for myself.

Tuesday’s therapy session dealt exclusively with work. Work has been stressing me out lately. I have a really difficult time reading Boss. He is a different personality than I am used to having as a boss, and consequently I don’t have my feet under me all the time when dealing with him.

Boss says things in ways that I take very badly. I hear more criticism than he intends I have learned, but in order to learn that one thing right there has put me through weeks of agony. What you basically have here is a boss who will always share with you what you need to improve but rarely mention, or mention as an afterthought, things you’ve done right. What you also have is an employee who comes from a “there’s perfect and there’s failure with nothing in between” background and hears every suggestion for improvement as criticism. Put these two together, and just maybe things don’t work out so well.

Anyway, therapy happened to be the day before my monthly meeting with Boss. I was beside myself. I had myself convinced that I was one step away from being fired due to some things Boss had said to me within the last week or two.

In essence, what had happened was that Boss had given me an assignment to change a certain report without specifics just that it needed to be more informative to the reader rather than the same old thing every month. I did it and did what I thought was a good job of it, removing redundancies of information, adding a couple of new things, rearranging others. After he reviewed it his first comment was “I thought you were going to change this report.” “Too subtle for you?” I said in a lighthearted manner trying not to betray how awful that one statement made me feel. Boss then went on to say yes they were too subtle. He said he liked this change and that change, but he wanted more. I asked him to be more specific. He again gave me the vague instruction that it needed to be more informative to the reader. He asked if I understood what he was looking for. I said no, I really don’t. He then said we need to keep working on it and walked away. I felt demoralized and was certain that he was trying to push me out of the department by giving me vague instructions so that I couldn’t possibly do it right.

In addition, on a couple of occasions recently as we passed in the hallway he would not say anything to me when I would smile and say hello. Given that he had asked me to improve my communications with him I thought that he was not doing much to encourage that if he couldn’t even say hello to me.

At therapy I let all my frustrations with the situation fly out of me. It is the one time in therapy when I wondered just how well the walls muffle sound there because I think my voice got just a little loud a time or two. I really needed both to vent and also to get some help with strategies for discussing the situation with Boss in a rational way.

Fortunately, Freud was, as usual, very insightful and helpful as he listened to me rant, asked for clarifications, made sure he understood, and then offered me feedback. I swear the man is a godsend to me. He’s good at the how-does-that-make-you-feel thing, but he also is good at discerning what you’re trying to say when even you don’t know exactly what you’re trying to say and then good at helping you deal with it no matter what it is. Freud helped me see that the approach I had concocted (confronting Boss with “If you want me out of this department don’t do it with passive aggressive behavior, but just tell me because if you want me gone I will start looking for another job and get out of your way.”) was not the best possible approach (which I knew, but when I get to a certain point of frustration with hidden agendas and other such bullshit that’s where I tend to go).

Armed with strategies and ready to hear the worst, I met with Boss. Things went much better than I expected. From what I can tell, the guy doesn’t have a clue the impact his words can have on people. He doesn’t buy in to telling people when they’ve done a good job. A good job is an expectation not something you reward. He only thinks you need to point out areas for improvement. I don’t agree. However, understanding his point of view helps me see how I misinterpreted his intentions. I hope that he now understands my point of view so that he can see why I reacted badly to his comments. All in all, it went well. We don’t see eye to eye, and that’s okay. It’s okay because I got him to admit that he wants me to stay in the department, and that the job I am doing is not inadequate. Just knowing that much is enough for now.

And now I can return to sleeping at night without the worries of how to pay the bills if I suddenly were out of a job.

Where Am I?

I don’t know. I’m lost in a haze somewhere (not to mention I am freezing just like most of the rest of the people in this country) between holidays and work and whatnot (and in the end isn’t it always the whatnot that just takes up way too much of your time?) so that I’m not really sure where I am or what I’m doing or where I’m going. Yikes!

So, a random collection of thoughts, in no particular order other than when they hit my brain during my writing of this:

Item #1
Work has gotten much worse again. Lately it seems that no matter what I do or how I do it my new supervisor is not pleased with me or my work. Not only that, but he can give me no concrete suggestions on how to improve. It is clear to me he wants me gone and is doing every passive aggressive thing he can to achieve it. As soon as I can find a different position he will get what he wants. I haven’t told him that yet, but I’m sure when I announce my resignation he will celebrate.

Item #2
It helped a lot to write out my anger post (well, along with a more detailed version that I have in a more private place). It helped me let go of it and move on. Funny how no matter how long I stewed about it in my head it didn’t help, but when I finally put words to it and get them out there I could somehow let go. Somehow it helps me process things to put them in writing and reread them a few times. I don’t know why, but I’m simply happy it works.

Item #3
I have to put blinders on sometimes when it comes to W’s finances, or I would go crazy. He continues to get screwed over by Q. He put utilities and such for the house they rented in his name (can you say “stupid”?) so when she didn’t pay the bills as agreed upon he got stuck with them. The latest is a bill for more than $300 unpaid gas and electric charges. All I can do when he starts whining about it is walk away and sing silently “la la la la la la la la la la la la. . .” Of course, this stuff eats into what he can contribute toward his current living expenses. Sigh. . .

Item #4
We’re going to have snow over the next 48 hours, probably just enough to cause travel to be less than fun, possibly enough to cancel school, but not enough to cancel work. N will want to go sledding, but given the frigid temperatures being forecast there’s no way he can stay outside very long without risking frostbite. I am not looking forward to the next few days.

Item #5
In basketball news, the Illini played horribly last night. Fortunately, Iowa played even worse, and the Illini are now 2-0 in conference play. Oh my beloved Illini you are going to have to try so much harder if you expect to win when the real teams come to town. Oh, and could you try to win an away game at some point? Pretty please? If you don’t beat Indiana this weekend when you play there I may just give up on you. No, of course I would never give up on my beloved Illini, but there are times. . .

Thursday Therapy: So How’s Work?

Tuesday’s therapy session was devoted a great deal to issues I’m having at work. Work has been not so good. Work has been in turmoil, not the least of which was a result of the changeover in supervisors in my area. In addition, a new coworker (who I addressed in last week’s edition of TT) came in with guns ablazin’ ready to change the world.

Fortunately, Freud has been very helpful to me in dealing with these issues. First we talked about how I am dealing with the new boss. After putting to use some suggestions Freud shared last time, I was able to report that things are getting better. I did something that was very difficult for me in a private conversation with my boss recently. I told him just how hard it is for me to speak up. Do you have any idea just how hard it is to speak up about the difficulty one has in speaking up? Yeah, well it’s difficult. Trust me. I thought I was going to have a blood vessel in my head explode when I finally said it. Of course, it was all anti-climactic from there. Boss doesn’t really understand my difficulty, but at least he seemed to respect the fact that I could give him concrete examples of how hard I’ve tried the last month to be a better communicator with him. I don’t know if I’ll ever be completely comfortable with Boss (yeah, that’s what I’m calling my supervisor on here), but I’m trying not to be terrified of him. I think he’s trying a little not to be so terrifying to me. I’ve never had a boss before that I was afraid of so this is new to me, this learning to be strong and push back rather than roll over. I’m used to everyone trying to play nice with one another. He’s got more of a hard edge, a rough way of speaking, a tone that intimidates. I will keep on trying to toughen up to it.

Last week at this time, the letter I wrote and posted on my TT post was an accurate reflection of how I felt at the time. Since then, my opinion has tempered somewhat. It appears that perhaps as the new kid on the block this coworker mustered up a big bluster of bravado. That’s how some people deal with the anxiety of being new. (Thanks Freud for this insight.) She and I went to lunch together one day and had a really nice talk. Although she does have a few quirks (who among us doesn’t?) she’s really not such a bad person. It is interesting to watch her go head to head with Boss because she is really good at pushing back. I think if you added some of her push back to me and gave her a little of my laid back you’d have pretty near the perfect person. ;-) Also, she helped me see that the way I see certain people here at work is not as far off as I thought I was. I’ve never been particularly impressed with one coworker who has always been held up as the model of all employees. My new coworker sees her in the same light as I do, which is to say that we see that this employee isn’t quite the deity others make her out to be nor is she very willing to share information and teach others. Instead she prefers to hoard knowledge, perhaps as job security for herself. Having my observations validated, particularly as the new coworker offered her assessment without having heard my opinion, made me feel better about the whole work situation.

Freud and I finished our session by shifting from work life to personal life. I shared with him for the first time about my ongoing relationship with M and how I feel it helps me stay relatively content living with W as roommates and pseudo spouses. We didn’t have much time to delve into the topic much, but I was pleasantly surprised that Freud didn’t react to my revelation with any negativity. I suppose that therapists aren’t supposed to react with much emotion to things, but there’s a part of me that always expects everyone to react to my affairs with horror and disgust as happens publicly when politicians, athletes and celebrities are caught (even though I have no elections or endorsement deals to lose nor do I have much risk of landing in the tabloids). As for me? You aren’t likely to catch me throwing stones at anybody, but I’ve always kind of thought I was the exception rather than the rule. Now, don’t for a minute think that I think Freud is endorsing my relationship with M because I don’t. I just appreciate that I can talk to him about it without him getting all judgmental on me, ya’ know? He’s willing to talk to me about it from the standpoint of its impact on me and my psyche without burdening me with the whole guilt and responsibility of protecting everybody else because I truly don’t think I can take on that burden until I work on me for me. Part of my problem is that too many times in my past I have put others and their welfare in front of mine to the detriment of me. Until I learn how to balance that out better I need to focus just on my welfare and wellbeing.


And in other news:

I feel a really big angry rant brewing inside me. I know anger is one of the phases of the grieving process. I thought I’d pretty well worked through the grieving process over someone yet it seems perhaps I was just caught up in the denial phase. By year’s end (so in the next couple of weeks) I do believe you can expect to see me letting off a bit of steam here in the form of one really big angry rant at someone who I feel deserves it in spite of my defenses of him in the past on this blog. You know, even a pressure cooker will explode if you let the steam build up too long.

On the medical front, I’m scheduled for a colonoscopy tomorrow. Although I’m a bit younger than they normally start doing them, it is recommended since my dad’s colon cancer now puts me in a higher risk category. While the procedure itself doesn’t scare me all that much I am quite annoyed with the regimen required beforehand. For five days prior to the procedure I can’t use Advil, and naturally I’ve had a raging headache the last two days. Also, I haven’t been able to eat nuts, seeds, or popcorn, and I’ve only been able to eat fruits and vegetables without their skins and seeds. Let me tell you I had no idea just how much I eat that would be forbidden. Even the bread I normally buy has seeds in it. Plus today I’m liquids only all day, followed by a lovely laxative cocktail this evening. Today happens to be our company’s holiday luncheon. Great timing. . . Oh well, at least tomorrow after the procedure I get to go home and be lazy all afternoon.

Thursday Therapy: The Letter I Would Like to Hand My Coworker

This is a different kind of Thursday Therapy post, but trust me writing it was most therapeutic.

Dear New Coworker,

Welcome to our company. You’ve been here less than ten days now, and it is amazing just how much you know already. I am truly amazed at your ability to pinpoint errors and flaws in everything we do. It is truly impressive. I am sure the company will be so much better for having you here.

I’d just like to offer a few pointers to you to help you navigate around here. Although I can see just how truly marvelous you are, some people around here are a little touchier than I so I think the following points may help you:

• Some of the people here like to think that due to our high ratings within our industry that we already do a few things well.
• Some of the people here understand some of the history of the company better than you do, and they would probably appreciate if you would listen to them explain things rather than interrupt to tell them how wrong they are.
• Some of the people here get touchy when you refuse to believe explanations that are provided for why certain performance measures are calculated in certain ways. The reason they get touchy is because some of those measures are calculated in accordance with laws and regulations.
• Some of the people here are starting to wonder if you have overstated your experience in our particular industry when you repeatedly act ignorant of certain well known industry wide standards and terminology.
• Some of the people here don’t have an appreciation for just how much you can do to make this a better company if only they would sit back and let you do everything.
• Some of the people sitting near you have complained of hearing you tell the same stories of your life to everyone who sits with you to train you. Perhaps they weren’t intending to recite your personal history at a public forum soon so they aren’t interested in hearing it so often as to have it memorized.

I know it is hard to believe that a fine company like this would employ so many people who are so overly sensitive to so much. I’m sure that will make it more difficult for you in the coming days. To help you out, may I give you a few suggestions that may help those people appreciate you more? I would like to offer that:

• If you listen attentively to people when they speak, they will likely give you a turn to speak at some point.
• If you would take the time to learn how things are currently done before suggesting complete overhauls, sensitive people might be more willing to listen to your suggestions.
• Instead of criticizing current methods, perhaps taking an inquisitive approach might work better in soothing sensitive souls. Ask someone to explain why things are done the way they are. It will make them feel better, and who knows? You might pick up a useful morsel of information occasionally.
• Remember you aren’t the only one who has worked for more than one company during your career. Others here may well have an idea of what are company specific terms and what are industry standard terms. Try not to be too critical of them when they expect you to understand certain industry standard terms. You might even help stroke their egos by thanking them when they educate you on a term with which you were unfamiliar.
• Just because you filled a certain role in a previous position does not mean that is the authority you will have in this one. Perhaps you should take your job description literally for the first, oh I don’t know, couple of weeks or so before trying to take on other responsibilities outside of your or your department’s purview.
• As fascinating as your life story is, and it is truly fascinating, perhaps in sensitivity to others around you maybe you could go to the break room or some other location outside the department to share your life story in the future, particularly since it takes so long to tell. Better yet, maybe write a memoir and hand it out to those with whom you’d like to share.

No need to thank me for these tips. I’m always happy to help.

 

Sincerely,

 

Not So New Coworker

Things That Make You Say WTF

1. Being told in the morning that you yelled “No!” repeatedly so loudly during the night you woke everyone else in the house yet have no memory of it or of any dreams you had either good or bad.
2. Finding out the coworker you thought was befriending you has actually been stabbing you in the back.
3. Realizing that there is not one person who has invited you to Thanksgiving dinner, not even close family.

 Yeah. . .

So that’s my life today.

Thursday Therapy: High Anxiety

This week’s session with Freud was devoted to my anxiety and shyness.
Although I haven’t had any panic attacks lately (I did come close at one point but somehow managed to bring myself down before it went into full blown panic attack mode), my general anxiety level is pretty high recently.

As if I weren’t dealing with enough on the personal front the work front became very rocky lately. As is quite common given the general state of the economy the company for which I work is having its share of difficulties, and truth be told is probably in better shape than many. However, there are uncertainties out there that lead to certain actions which contribute to instability in my own personal job. I’m being vague intentionally here as I’ve garnered something of a local audience and wish to remain somewhat anonymous at least. Anyway, there is restlessness among the ranks at work. Add to this that both my direct supervisor and the supervisor above him resigned within the last few weeks, and you have the makings for some pretty high anxiety on my part.

There is good and bad with the new supervisor. He apparently entered the job with the assumption that I am moron. Therefore, anytime I do something right (most of the time) he acts pleasantly surprised that I’m not quite the moron he thought. At least he seems to be keeping an open mind and letting me demonstrate that I have something to offer. Just because the last supervisor tried to fit me, a square peg, into a round hole doesn’t mean that I don’t have something to offer. Fortunately, the new supervisor seems committed to maximizing the skills and talents that each of us brings instead of making us little clones of him like the former one did.

Also, one of the things that holds me back at work is my overwhelming shyness. Left to my own devices I sit in my cubicle working away and never say anything to anybody. I have this overwhelming fear of bothering other people so if I don’t have something important to say or an important question to ask I just shut up and mind my own business. This makes me come across as various things to various people: arrogant, unfriendly, stuck up, haughty. It doesn’t come across good in any way. I am none of those things. I’m just afraid of everyone. All it would take is a kind word, an opening gambit to get me to open up. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. When I try to psych myself up to reach out with my own opening gambit I generate so much fear in myself that I freeze up, not to mention waste too much work time with my energies focused that way. It becomes easier to not try and to continue to sit in front of my computer.

So Freud and I talked about how this whole anxiety, shyness, fear, need for public approval thing affects so many areas of my life. It affects work. It affects friendships. It affects my church life. It affects my intimate relationships. It affects virtually every area of my life.

There is something of a paradox here. I want people to accept me as I am. I also want people to like me. I find that people don’t like me as I am. I try to change into who people want me to be in order to like me. I am incredibly uncomfortable being someone whom I am not. I find that I still don’t fit in, and people still don’t like me. I revert back to who I really am and wish fervently that people would accept me as I am.

And maybe I twist religion around to fit my needs. I so badly want and need unconditional love and forgiveness and caring that I cling to the promises of God. I cling to Jesus’ unparalleled caring for the unlovable, the outcasts, the shamed. I cling with the hope that someday when I move beyond this world I will move into the next where I will be loved, accepted and cared for without question. It is that hope to which I cling. It is that hope that puts compassion in my heart for others who feel disenfranchised and make me desire to share that hope with them, if only my shyness didn’t intervene.

And always, always, always, it comes back around to me being overwhelmingly angry that I am so often misunderstood and so often left out because of it. Yes, on Tuesday Freud and I started to expose a burning anger within me that I must sort through. We must, because I cannot continue going through life being angry and turning that anger inward toward myself.

Just a Short Update

I have never before in my life had a job where so many people assumed that I am moron with no knowledge and no skills to do my job and react with such surprise when I do something right.

Just shoot me now.

I am in hell.

Work Just May Kill Me

Sometimes I think I suffer from behavioral issues from which no one else suffers.  Then I think that can’t be right.  There must be other people who screw up as bad or worse than I do. 

Then I think, well sure, people sitting in jail right now have screwed up worse than me, but not just regular, normal people. . . not the people with whom I come in contact regularly.  They don’t fuck up and obsess over it like I do.  I’m sure of it.  They are competent.  They are capable.  They do what they are supposed to do. 

I, on the other hand, let stupid little things become huge roadblocks for me.  I (and don’t for a minute think that I don’t know that I, and I alone, are setting those roadblocks there) set up roadblocks so high I don’t just trip and fall over them.  I walk face first right into them and smack my nose.

There are things at which I am very good.  Then there those things at which I totally and completely suck.  Most of my job entails doing things at which I am very good.  A very small part of my job entails doing things at which I totally and completely suck.  It is this small part of my job that I am letting become a total roadblock to me.

It started small, and I built it up into a huge ugly massive thing.  It is now a big and bad problem.  You see, because it was something at which I suck I let it slide.  The longer I let it slide the worse it became because it was compounded by the whole not meeting contractual deadlines thing.  However, because it is such a little thing nobody really noticed, and rather than doing something proactive about it I just let it slide further.  Now it has gotten to a point where it has been noticed, and it must be handled, and of course, now I look like a way bigger idiot than if I had just spoken up way early on and admitted to being in over my head.

However, the reason I didn’t speak up and admit to being in over my head is that the only reason it is something I don’t do well is because it hits into some of my fears and phobias.  I develop huge anxiety over it, and it just becomes this thing that I just can’t face.  Also, I’m embarrassed to say to a supervisor that I’m having difficulty with a certain thing because of how my fears and phobias are holding me back from being able to do certain pieces of it.  You have no idea how badly I want to get over, get through, get beyond this phobia.  You have no idea how my heart pounds and the sweat pours just thinking about having to do it.

And now. . . now I am to a point where I have to meet with my supervisor today and update him on how I am coming on completing the task.  And I’m terrified.  And I don’t have a clue what to say.  And part of me just wants to quit and walk away from a job that 98% of the time I love just because of this one little thing.  Part of me just doesn’t want to face the humiliation of how badly I have let things get out of control because of one little thing. . . one tiny little thing that I built up into a huge concrete roadblock.  One reason I’m terrified is that when I’ve tried to talk to friends (and I’ve only really tried to talk to two) about this they’ve reacted like I’m from Mars because they can’t understand how anyone could let such a teeny tiny little thing be so overwhelming.  There has been no empathy nor have there been any suggestions beyond, “Just get over it and do it.  It isn’t that bad.”  Oh, if I could hear those words and then somehow magically be able to apply them!  Do you think I wouldn’t do it if it were that easy?  Yet I fear my supervisor will be even less sympathetic than my friends.  I fear that he is going to think the worst of me. . . that I’m irresponsible (and yes, I think in this instance I am) and untrustworthy (in some ways I am that too because you ought to be able to trust your employees to come to you when there’s a problem and I didn’t) and way beyond hope (but I don’t think I’m beyond hope, at least I hope not).

If you don’t hear from me for some time you will know that I either:

(1)   Quit my job and ran off to join the circus or

(2)   Fell dead of a heart attack from the extreme anxiety while talking to my supervisor about this

Damn.  I’m not sure which one to hope for. . . either one feels better right now than trying to have this discussion with my supervisor.