Thursday, October 15, 2009

Thursday Therapy: Longings

No therapy this past Tuesday even though it would have normally been scheduled then. No, due to scheduling conflicts we are shifting a week and will resume every other Tuesday at lunchtime next Tuesday.

At first I was a bit distressed at going three weeks instead of two between my last session and my next one. It seemed we really started to dig down into the vilest ugliest places of my psyche at the last session, and I was eager to continue. I do want to get better no matter how it may seem to the outsider.

However, in its infinite wisdom the universe gave me an extra week to mull things over, and fight off a nasty virus, and get over not getting the coveted workplace promotion that three of us vied for but only one could have. Yes, there has been plenty going on and not nearly enough time to digest it and process it and put it all in proper perspective.

And then there was last weekend. Sigh. . . It seemed I’d been moving on fairly well without thinking much about BJ, or at least not dwelling on him, and then for whatever reason, maybe too much time on my hands, last weekend I missed him. It was the first time in a while that I really yearned for him, and I couldn’t seem to shake it. That feeling clung to me like a cobweb clings to your hair long after you’re over the initial shock of walking into it. No matter how I tried distracting myself the thoughts, the feelings, the temptation to give him a call, stayed right there with me all weekend.

Fortunately, the work week rolled around and work managed to occupy my thoughts. Plus M and I were able to spend lunchtime together on Monday, and that was very nice. It looks like M and I are going to develop a once or twice a week lunchtime thing. M’s a really nice guy, probably not the type of person I would normally hang around with, but that just makes it that much nicer of a friendship. We come from two completely different worlds and have very different outlooks on many things, but we enjoy each other’s company and enjoy our conversations as well as the benefits that inure with an FWB relationship. It’s as much F as it is B, and that’s important to me. It seems to be to M also.

In some ways, my relationship with M helps me to define myself to myself as autonomous from W even if W is living in my house. I continue to operate, in large part, as a single woman. It’s just that now instead of having one person to care for, N, I have two, N and W. W is by far the more difficult of the two even with N’s preteen fits of independence. Where N hears and understands my boundaries and at least as the decency to feel somewhat guilty when crossing them, W is clueless. He either doesn’t hear, doesn’t understand or doesn’t care what my boundaries are. He is the same old W. He will agree to whatever I ask and then completely ignore my request and do things the way he wanted in the first place. Same old shit. Round and round we go.

So what does any of this have to do with therapy and me getting better and working through my issues and coming out a better person on the other side? Isn’t that what these Thursday Therapy posts are supposed to be about?

Well, let’s see. I am coming around to understanding some of the dynamics of what I do and why. I am starting to see a little bit what purpose certain actions serve for me. That’s really an essential understanding if I am ever going to change because no matter how many times I try through sheer will power to avoid certain behaviors I fail. I fail because there are unmet needs within me and until I find out what those needs are and healthy ways of meeting those needs I don’t stand a chance of making long lasting changes. I can lump a lot of behaviors together in the category of Thing TS Does to Try to Meet Needs She Can’t or Won’t Acknowledge. Overeating is right in there. So is lying. Oh, and here’s having sex with inappropriate people. Yes, there are a number of behaviors that I see more and more clearly have a common root. I haven’t quite just yet ferreted out those unmet needs and even once I do I’m sure it will take some time to come around to finding, accepting, and utilizing more healthy alternatives in order to meet those needs.

I’m fairly certain the need to be accepted as I am is one of those unmet needs, and I’m pretty sure that I am the one who is going to have to accept myself as I am before anyone else can be expected to do so.


gniz said...

You've said some very insightful things here (particularly the last paragraph) which make me believe you are very close to finding those answers and becoming healthier.

FWIW i have read most of your blog from the beginning.

Fusion said...

I second gniz here True, and while I understand your reasons for allowing W back into your home, I think he will have to go before you can get to where you want to be in life...
And IMHO, you're just enabling him the longer he stays. Set a time table for him to get back on his feet and stick with it, you have a right to your own life too.

Val said...

Love that metaphor: stuck like a cobweb clinging to your hair!
My subconscious still serves up some doozies for me starring my Ex; guess this processing-shit takes TIME...