Friday, October 23, 2009
Work Just May Kill Me
Sometimes I think I suffer from behavioral issues from which no one else suffers. Then I think that can’t be right. There must be other people who screw up as bad or worse than I do.
Then I think, well sure, people sitting in jail right now have screwed up worse than me, but not just regular, normal people. . . not the people with whom I come in contact regularly. They don’t fuck up and obsess over it like I do. I’m sure of it. They are competent. They are capable. They do what they are supposed to do.
I, on the other hand, let stupid little things become huge roadblocks for me. I (and don’t for a minute think that I don’t know that I, and I alone, are setting those roadblocks there) set up roadblocks so high I don’t just trip and fall over them. I walk face first right into them and smack my nose.
There are things at which I am very good. Then there those things at which I totally and completely suck. Most of my job entails doing things at which I am very good. A very small part of my job entails doing things at which I totally and completely suck. It is this small part of my job that I am letting become a total roadblock to me.
It started small, and I built it up into a huge ugly massive thing. It is now a big and bad problem. You see, because it was something at which I suck I let it slide. The longer I let it slide the worse it became because it was compounded by the whole not meeting contractual deadlines thing. However, because it is such a little thing nobody really noticed, and rather than doing something proactive about it I just let it slide further. Now it has gotten to a point where it has been noticed, and it must be handled, and of course, now I look like a way bigger idiot than if I had just spoken up way early on and admitted to being in over my head.
However, the reason I didn’t speak up and admit to being in over my head is that the only reason it is something I don’t do well is because it hits into some of my fears and phobias. I develop huge anxiety over it, and it just becomes this thing that I just can’t face. Also, I’m embarrassed to say to a supervisor that I’m having difficulty with a certain thing because of how my fears and phobias are holding me back from being able to do certain pieces of it. You have no idea how badly I want to get over, get through, get beyond this phobia. You have no idea how my heart pounds and the sweat pours just thinking about having to do it.
And now. . . now I am to a point where I have to meet with my supervisor today and update him on how I am coming on completing the task. And I’m terrified. And I don’t have a clue what to say. And part of me just wants to quit and walk away from a job that 98% of the time I love just because of this one little thing. Part of me just doesn’t want to face the humiliation of how badly I have let things get out of control because of one little thing. . . one tiny little thing that I built up into a huge concrete roadblock. One reason I’m terrified is that when I’ve tried to talk to friends (and I’ve only really tried to talk to two) about this they’ve reacted like I’m from Mars because they can’t understand how anyone could let such a teeny tiny little thing be so overwhelming. There has been no empathy nor have there been any suggestions beyond, “Just get over it and do it. It isn’t that bad.” Oh, if I could hear those words and then somehow magically be able to apply them! Do you think I wouldn’t do it if it were that easy? Yet I fear my supervisor will be even less sympathetic than my friends. I fear that he is going to think the worst of me. . . that I’m irresponsible (and yes, I think in this instance I am) and untrustworthy (in some ways I am that too because you ought to be able to trust your employees to come to you when there’s a problem and I didn’t) and way beyond hope (but I don’t think I’m beyond hope, at least I hope not).
If you don’t hear from me for some time you will know that I either:
(1) Quit my job and ran off to join the circus or
(2) Fell dead of a heart attack from the extreme anxiety while talking to my supervisor about this
Damn. I’m not sure which one to hope for. . . either one feels better right now than trying to have this discussion with my supervisor.