Thursday, February 11, 2010

Thursday Therapy: The One about Nothing

Time again for a Thursday Therapy post? Really? Where does the time go? Oh yeah, I remember now – basketball hoopla, medical hoopla, band concerts, blizzards, the cold that just keeps hanging on giving me the raspy voice and runny nose that makes me so attractive, yadda, yadda, yadda. . .

Okay, so about Tuesday’s session with Freud; he’s taking me down roads I don’t want to go. I can tell because I deflect his questions with non-answers and tangents. I head down a totally different road, and you know what? I can tell I’m not fooling him for a minute. He’s on to me. Oh yes he is. I can see it in his eyes (when I dare look him in the eye). So far he’s being gentle with me. So far he hasn’t overtly called me on it. So far. . . I get the feeling though that I won’t get away with it for another session. And really, I shouldn’t. It isn’t a productive use of his time or mine. Even if he doesn’t call me on it, I need to call myself on it and get back on board.

So can I talk about it here? Can I face it in my own head, my own blog, my own world? Yes? No? Maybe?

You know (and I know you know because you’ve read it here oh so many times), whenever I am faced with tension, discomfort, unease, my tendency is to bolt, to run, to flee the scene. My fight or flight instinct is set heavily towards the flight side, very heavily. Along with this comes an acceptance of things that I shouldn’t accept. I let people walk all over me because it’s just easier. It is easier to accept things as they are rather than go through the discomfort it would cause me to refuse to accept them. It’s easier, but it builds up. It builds up until I am so miserable that flight response kicks in. Right now, the flight response is not at the highest it’s ever been, but it’s higher than normal. It’s approaching the danger zone.

What? Huh? What’s that? You sense deflection here too? You sense I’m not playing on the level here? You sense I’m not really talking here about what Freud tried addressing with me on Tuesday. Oh you are very astute. Yes you are. Truth be told if I just wrote it here, and you read it you’d say to yourself, “Well, what the hell is the big deal?” Oh yes you would. Don’t even argue with me. I know you would.

Bleah. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


Fiona said...

Whatever it is, TS, it's a big deal to you, and it's about you, therefore it IS a big deal.

Hang in there, dig in your heels a bit and stay....I promise that fighting is actually good for the soul :) And it took me a long time to get from flight to fight.

Kung Hei Fat Choy and wishing you happiness in the Year of the Tiger.

Val said...

Why hello there fellow "prey animal"; I am so proficient at retreat & avoidance, I should have warning flags tied to my butt!
These last few days of "enforced rest" w/our mini-blizzard have come v v close to driving me COMPLETELY bonkers...

gniz said...

You are clearly aware of it on the conscious level. So why not say it out loud, at least to your therapist (if not here)?

Usually when people are REALLY running from the tough truths, they can't even allow themselves to think about them at a conscious level.

Seems to me you are probably ready to deal with whatever it is if you can consciously think about it in your own mind.