There was an anger in his lovemaking that I never quite understood. I felt there was a loving feeling missing. As a matter of fact, I don’t think it was ever lovemaking. It was just raw sex, fucking. I’m not even sure he knew how to make love to a woman.
I so badly wanted him to make love to me, to show tenderness and caring while we shared our bodies with one another. I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted. I didn’t know how to explain that yes, I like it rough, but I also like to feel cherished and that yes, there is a way to have both, either alternately or simultaneously.
What a huge difference it is between:
“Oh what a good little slut. C’mon you tramp show me how good you can do it.”
“Stupid slut! Whore! You like that cock, don’t you?”
Now, both of those statements can be used during the exact same activity yet the first one will leave me feeling good about myself and my partner and the other will leave me disappointed in my partner and not feeling all that great about myself either. Perhaps I never said anything about it because I so much wanted to please him that I thought that if I let him have it his way that he would appreciate it enough to ask me how I would like it sometimes.
Sometimes I would just fantasize in my head the things I wanted to hear said. That worked pretty well until he would bring me back to reality by saying something demeaning. Truth be told I didn’t mind most of the things he said. It was just one word that really stung the most, the one that was like ice water thrown over me – STUPID. That was the one word that he used that I found downright insulting. That was one word I would have banned from our bedroom if I could have. STUPID. How does that have any impact on the sexual aspect of the situation? How is that supposed to make me feel more like fucking? How is that anything except an insult? I can take slut, whore, tramp, and similar words as compliments in the context of a good fucking, but stupid? Nope, I can’t find anything there to turn me on. Nothing at all. I wonder what he ever got out of it.