Gone Again

J is gone again, maybe for good.

I hadn't heard from him since are last get together other than a quick email exchange when I checked on his welfare after hearing about a murder at the prison where he works. Then a couple days ago I was restless and decided to message him.

When he answered he told me that he and his wife were back together, in counselling, and he'd promised to behave himself. I replied that I would leave him alone then.

So there we are. Life continues just as it always has.

I suppose I'll never learn...

Later update :
I'm watching Bette Davis in Dangerous. Art imitating life. Or life imitating art. Bleah...

Help Me Be Less Self-Absorbed

To those of you who know me personally (either IRL or in cyberspace) and aren't just wandering by reading this randomly (unless you want to be included, in which case, go ahead), would you consider helping to provide the funds for my participation in the Soles4Souls mission trip this summer?

If you look over in the right side column, you'll see a box you can click on to take you to my personal fundraising page.  Currently I only have about $50 raised towards my goal of $1,500 which is about 2/3 of the cost of my participation.  If you would like to help me take part in a weeklong mission to provide children with shoes, some for the first pair of shoes they've ever owned, please consider donating a small (or large, large is fine, just don't feel like your small donation of a dollar or two won't help because it will all add up) amount to the cause.

It is very easy to donate online, and you may remain anonymous if you choose to do so.  Because it is going straight to Soles4Souls you know I won't be taking the money and wasting it on something frivolous, and since it is a donation to a 501(c)3 organization your donation is US tax deductable as a charitable contribution.

Would You Visit Me in the Loony Bin?

Why does everything have to pile up on me at once? I have been feeling completely swamped by life lately.

• N is having problems at school.
• W is having health issues, again (still?), and spent time in the hospital this week which he wouldn’t let me tell people about so I couldn’t get a great deal of support.
• Work is getting outrageously busy and will continue to be so until around May sometime.
• I’m trying (and failing miserably) to fundraise both for N to go to Europe this summer with his soccer team as well as for me to go on an international mission trip this summer.
• My car, with over 120K miles on it, has decided to become a money pit because it wouldn’t do to just hang in there until after the summer is paid for and over with.
• Plus I was down with strep throat a couple of weeks ago.

It is times like these that I just want to go stark raving mad so they have to lock me up for an extended stay in the psych ward. Wandering around in my pajamas talking nonsense and checking out from reality sounds really damned appealing right now…

So Many Dreams

J is on my mind so much lately that he has invaded my dreams on a regular basis, when I'm not dreaming about pythons endangering school children (that's a whole different story, not for today, maybe not ever).

I regularly dream about J and me being together.  In all of my dreams, we spend much of our time in bed together... just like real life.  In all of my dreams, he and I are dating and trying to figure out if we will be more than that.  It's a common theme that plays out in different ways in each dream.

Last night's dream had him spending the night with me at my mother's house.  We were trying to be sneaky about it, but he wasn't careful enough the next morning to get out without getting caught.  We were all embarassed, but I said to J after she went back down the hall, "Well, I am over 50 after all.  She's got to know that I have sex sometimes."

W was nowhere to be found in the dream at all.  There was no question from anyone about him.  It was though he just didn't exist in the dream.  That isn't always true in these dreams.  Sometimes W is a factor in the dream.  Sometimes not.

On another note, I worry about J during my waking hours.  The prison where he works is on lockdown due to an inmate murder.  It is so very bad there since they closed the supermax prison and moved a lot of those prisoners to the prison where J works.  They moved some of the officers too, and that hasn't gone well.  Lots of disgruntled officers.  Lots of disgruntled inmates.  It is a volatile combination.  I want J out of there.  He is just a few years from retirement.  I wish he could go ahead and retire early, but even if he could I don't think he would.  Financially, he needs the work in spite of the risks that go with it.

Here We Are Again

Blah, blah, blah…
Yadda, yadda, yadda…

That’s all I hear these days when people speak. I can’t concentrate. I can barely keep myself functioning at a rudimentary level at work. I am really, really struggling to stay afloat with this whole living my life thing. And people, I AM ON MY MEDS. I am not waggling around in the quagmire due to being unmedicated. I am following prescribed dosages and doing what I’m supposed to, and I STILL can’t get myself up out of this depression.

I really hate this. It may be time for a visit to the psychiatrist again to check on the meds and see if something more is needed. I know I’m at the low end of the range on both meds. Maybe a little uppage of the dosage is called for.

Or maybe it is just time to go to bed and stay there… indefinitely.

Thursday Therapy – Agitation

Agitation was the overriding theme of my session with Freud yesterday. I’m sure Freud would’ve realized I was agitated even if I hadn’t mentioned it to him. My body language was full of tells. I repeatedly stretched my arms over my head. I reached for strands of hair and twirled them. I played with the employee badge on the lanyard I was wearing. In summary, I fidgeted through my entire session. This is so unlike me most of the time. Most of the time I sit back and sit still except for occasionally crossing my arms (when we talk about uncomfortable subjects) or reaching for a tissue (when we hit a nerve).

I have felt very agitated ever since I saw J last weekend. I always feel agitated after J and I have been together. I feel like I can’t sit still and yet I don’t know quite what to do with myself. This usually lasts for several days until I somehow get myself back into my comfort zone. I wish I could pinpoint what it is I need to do to get myself there so I could speed the process along. Perhaps the process is one that can’t be hurried though. I don’t know.

 

We discussed my reaction to J’s characterization of me in high school as “promiscuous.” That seems to be at least some of the reason for my agitation this time. J really hit a nerve with that one. Freud said that it didn’t sound to him as though I was promiscuous back then but just a normal adolescent. Let’s say we just have to agree to disagree on that one. Just because I didn’t “go all the way” with anybody in high school, I certainly went pretty far with J and some of the others, Greg particularly. And I certainly was not loyal to my steady boyfriend, J. While I respect Freud’s opinion and get a lot of help from our sessions, this is just one issue he can’t persuade me on. A slut is a slut is a slut whether you physically follow through or not in my book.

 

Freud kept bringing the conversation back around (oh yes, I deflected a whole lot, tried to meander off onto tangents repeatedly) to what it is that I get from my relationship with J that I don’t have in my life otherwise. What gap in my life am I trying to fill with J?

 

What I have identified so far:

•  Physical intimacy – not just sex, even though that’s a part of it, but cuddles and kisses and hand holding and looking each other in the eyes
• Connection to the past and happier, more carefree times
• Camaraderie that is just plain fun, verbally sparring with one another and a sense of playfulness

 Is there more? Maybe…

 

 At one point Freud asked me about W and what keeps me with him.

 

I told him there are two things:

• I don’t know how W would make it without me, and I find it incredibly difficult to take that leap particularly given that his relationship with his grown children is now dead.
• My insecurity about being able to handle things on my own, particularly things like arranging for the multitude of home repairs and maintenance items that are an ongoing part of older home ownership

Could I dump both W and the house? Leave him with the house and walk away from the equity? He couldn’t financially maintain the house on his own. Could we sell the house, split the equity and go our own ways? I hate to do that when the real estate market is still soft. Not to mention the house is a pig sty and to get it in shape to show to potential buyers would be a nightmare.

 

At another point Freud asked me if I’d ever thought about what it might be like to be married to J. I said yes, lots of times. Then he asked did I think that’s what I would want. I blushed and stammered around and finally admitted that yes, I very much think that I want that even though there is massive evidence of why it would not be a good idea. I won’t go through all those here again. I’ve mentioned them in the blog on various occasions.

 

Assignment until the next therapy session: continue to identify unmet needs that I’m trying to fill with my relationship with J and start to think about alternative ways of meeting those needs.

 

Sigh…

Here's a Laugh for You

As I was thinking about the state of me, it dawned on me that from a physical sense I have been completely monogamous with J since the spring of 2010.

Hah!

Now there are several factors that contribute to that:

1. W and I have no physical relationship.  We are completely platonic.
2. When I turned 50 I lost my sex drive entirely for a long time.
3. My one attempt at a hook up a few weeks ago went totally bust.

I would like to think that it reflects a more mature me.  I would like to think that it reflects my devotion to waiting for the right man.  I would like to think maybe it shows a little loyalty to J. I would like to believe those things, but I just don't think they are much of a factor.

Late addendum to this post:
Like an idiot I decided I needed to point out my "faithfulness" to J and sent him a private fb message to that effect.  Can't seem to keep myself from trying to win him over.  WTF is wrong with me?  Seriously... 

Promiscuous? You Must be Joking!

Yesterday’s post was a quick one due to time and location constraints. Today I will elaborate a bit more on the weekend and some of the discussion J and I had.

We were fortunate enough to be able to spend a few hours together both on Friday night and Saturday morning. I made the daring suggestion that he stay in a motel right here in town to maximize the amount of time we could spend together. Although I knew that left open the possibility that someone who knows me might see me I decided taking the chance was worth it. We also went out to dinner together Friday night, again right here in town. I kept an eye out for anyone I might know, but we lucked out and didn’t run into anyone. I had a few ideas in my head regarding cover stories but was glad I didn’t need to use them.

While we were at dinner, we were reminiscing about our high school and college years. Here’s where things got just a little wonky for me. I tend to remember things with a bit of a skew to them, a skew to fit my own self-image and self-story. I suppose many of us do that. Anyway, J challenged my take on reality just a bit when he summarized my personality back then as not at all shy and introverted as I remember but as, of all things, “promiscuous.”

Promiscuous? Me? In high school? I hardly think so! I maintained my virginity, technically, throughout high school. I certainly was not promiscuous! If one used Bill Clinton’s definition of sex I never had sex until late in my freshman year of college. Promiscuous? Ridiculous!

Or was it ridiculous? No, not really. I have a way of using selective memory. If you asked me before, I would have told you I had one boyfriend at a time in high school with some times being boyfriend free altogether. However, J brought up something I had forgotten all about, and then remembered after he reminded me.

At our end of year band banquet (yes, we were both band geeks) my senior year, during the “awards” time they announced the award for band couple of the year. My memory was that it was J and me. His memory, and his is more accurate because I too remember this now that he reminded me, was that it was me & Eddie, me & Greg, me & Randy, and me & J. Now, to be fair J & I started dating Halloween of my senior year (something else I had forgotten until he reminded me) so really Eddie was before J & I got together so I don’t count that one as a bad thing, at least not from the promiscuity angle. The freshman boy dating a senior girl angle: now that is a bad thing and probably explains why we lasted only through a couple of dates, including Homecoming dance. Truth be told, I went out with Eddie because I wanted to go to Homecoming, and he was the only one to ask me.

Now, with Greg and Randy he had a point. I did hang out with both of them more than a girl going steady ought to hang out with other boys and participated in activities a girl ought to only participate in with her steady boyfriend. I never really dated either of them, unless you count cruising and parking as dating. While I thought of myself as “sociable” I can certainly see how it could also rightfully be interpreted as “promiscuous.” Also, I can see how it could be incredibly hurtful to J. I’m surprised in hindsight that he put up with me and my antics. I wouldn’t have if I had been him. I’m also surprised he never called me out on it back then. WTF? I know I interpreted his lack of reaction as tacit approval at the time. I’ve always been one to push the limits to see where the limits are. If you don’t draw a line in the sand I just keep running down the beach.

Putting on the 20/20 hindsight glasses, I realize that as mature as I thought I was back then I was really quite immature. I played very juvenile games, mostly because of my insecurity. I thought I would be lucky to ever have a guy interested in me and so I would just do my utmost to attract as many as possible. Of course, this is not a good plan. The quality of companionship you get when you act desperate is not the kind of companionship you truly desire. The kind of guys who go out with another guy’s girl are not the kind of guys you really want to look forward to a future with, and really I knew that. They were my fun guys. I never considered a future with them the way I did with J. But looking back, how on earth could I expect J to consider a future with me? Why would he want to tether himself to somebody who would blatantly run around on him with other guys right in his face? Sheesh. Stupid kids. Both of us really.

Then there were the college years. I hurt J big time when I told him that I had lost my virginity to another guy. Why did I tell him that when I was home on break the summer after freshman year? It was a misguided attempt to get him to show me he cared. J always kept me off balance, always stayed just aloof enough that I wasn’t ever sure if he really loved me. I realize now that he put up a wall as a type of protection for himself, but to me at the time it seemed as though I loved him so much more than he loved me. I felt like I was always on the verge of losing him, and I would do things (really stupid things) to try to get him to get off the fence and either love me or hate me. And he kept coming back (which should have told me something!) with his aloof indifference.
Only last Friday did he tell me just how hurt he was over all those things I did back then. Only then did I feel like I was way more perpetrator than victim in our relationship. Only then did I start some soul searching, and I am far from finished. On Saturday morning, I apologized to J for my treatment of him back then. I feel that my apology was far less than he deserved, but I’m also not sure what I could ever possibly do to make amends for my treatment of him.

I anticipate this being a big topic of conversation with my therapist on Wednesday.

What a Weekend

In a complete and total surprise J called me on Friday morning at work. When I saw it was him on the caller id I wondered what was wrong. I thought there might be something wrong because he should have been at work. As a corrections officer in a maximum security prison he doesn't get to make personal calls at work.

Turns out he had the day off and wanted to know if I'd be available if he came up that day. I didn't even think twice before I said of course I would make myself available. We worked out logistics, and he was here right about the time I got off work. I made my excuses to W that we were having a girls night out and spent the evening with J. On Saturday morning I returned to J's motel room under the guise of attending book club.

This was the high point of my weekend. It was so different than other times we've gotten together. It was as though he had gone back and read some of our prior email exchanges and taken some of my criticisms to heart. Not only did he come here instead of me having to go to him, which was a big change in itself, he was much more aware of my needs. He spent very little time talking about his exes. He spent time on foreplay and actually gave me an orgasm (first time I have ever orgasmed with him). He listened to me.

It was wonderful and yet a little unnerving. It just isn't the way things generally are between us.

In a way it gives me hope. In another it makes me wary. Seems too good to be true... And you know what they say about things that seem too good to be true... They usually are.

Sigh...