I say ... and you think ... ?
- Leads :: follows or gets out of the way
- Concierge :: hotel
- Thousand :: tongues
- Engines :: motorcycles
- Argument :: disagreement
- 2006 :: I got nothin'
- Knot :: tie
- Fuck :: you!
- Handsome :: bastard
- Ridge :: Ruffles
Showing posts with label Sexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sexuality. Show all posts
Monday, August 23, 2010
Unconscious Mutterings: Week 395
Still lacking time. However, the quickie update is this: second round interview this week for new job; loving the choir I just joined; Boss and Betty are going to drive me batty yet; got another cold call from a recruiter this a.m. for a job that sounds right up my alley, but is located in Cedar Rapids, hmmm. . . I wasn't really wanting to move, but. . . ; given that I haven't been looking for these positions I'm thinking God is trying to tell me it is time to move on from this workplace; participated in Gay Pride fest recently and think that when I mentioned it to some of my coworkers they are now wondering (but afraid to ask) if I'm a lesbian; I'm enjoying the ambiguity, maybe because sometimes I feel like being bisexual is all about ambiguity; in that same vein, I may have a budding same sex romance but it's too early to tell.
I say ... and you think ... ?
I say ... and you think ... ?
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Happy Celebrate Bisexuality Day!
Learn more here.
In honor of today, go kiss a bisexual! They'll be flattered whether you're the same or opposite gender of them so you can't lose!
Who knew September had such cool holidays? First "Talk Like a Pirate Day" on September 19 and now "Celebrate Bisexuality Day" on September 23. This is definitely worth hosting a party next year with a bisexual pirate theme. I love it! I am so putting this on my calendar for next year. Party! Party! Party!
In honor of today, go kiss a bisexual! They'll be flattered whether you're the same or opposite gender of them so you can't lose!
Who knew September had such cool holidays? First "Talk Like a Pirate Day" on September 19 and now "Celebrate Bisexuality Day" on September 23. This is definitely worth hosting a party next year with a bisexual pirate theme. I love it! I am so putting this on my calendar for next year. Party! Party! Party!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Yeah, That's Me
Given the weekend I just had, this seemed like an appropriate quiz to take, and by golly, the results were pretty accurate too.
And then I took this test and scored a ZERO, no kidding!
Your result for The What's your sexual style? Test...
TYPE M
You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, SUBMISSIVE lover who prefers to RECEIVE.
This means that:
You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring.
You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover.
You tend to be submissive in bed, so you prefer to go along with what your lover likes rather than your own plans. You might like being ordered around and acting out a slave/master fantasy, or perhaps you just get turned on by being helpless and unable to move. Or maybe it's as simple as you lacking courage so prefering firm instructions in bed to make sure you are doing things right. Either way, you won't be dominating your lover anytime soon, and might prefer the missionary position to any others.
You would rather Receive than Give. This usually applies more to Oral sex than anything else, and other types of foreplay. This could be for a number of reasons. Maybe you are just very hooked on the sensation of orgasm, maybe you feel you deserve to be treated like a god/goddess, maybe you just aren't confident about your skills when it comes to returning the favour. Maybe you are lazy. Or maybe your partner loves to give and that suits you fine, so everyone is happy. Either way, remember to be a giver sometimes too, as long as your partner likes it.
WE SUGGEST YOU TRY:
Being Blindfolded and even tied up with scarves, and letting your partner tease, tickle and delight you, in the most tempting way. You are confident and imaginative enough to not mind them doing all sorts of fun things to you, surprises and frustratingly out of your reach pleasure. Just like back and enjoy, and maybe you can return the favour, maybe not.
This means that:
You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring.
You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover.
You tend to be submissive in bed, so you prefer to go along with what your lover likes rather than your own plans. You might like being ordered around and acting out a slave/master fantasy, or perhaps you just get turned on by being helpless and unable to move. Or maybe it's as simple as you lacking courage so prefering firm instructions in bed to make sure you are doing things right. Either way, you won't be dominating your lover anytime soon, and might prefer the missionary position to any others.
You would rather Receive than Give. This usually applies more to Oral sex than anything else, and other types of foreplay. This could be for a number of reasons. Maybe you are just very hooked on the sensation of orgasm, maybe you feel you deserve to be treated like a god/goddess, maybe you just aren't confident about your skills when it comes to returning the favour. Maybe you are lazy. Or maybe your partner loves to give and that suits you fine, so everyone is happy. Either way, remember to be a giver sometimes too, as long as your partner likes it.
WE SUGGEST YOU TRY:
Being Blindfolded and even tied up with scarves, and letting your partner tease, tickle and delight you, in the most tempting way. You are confident and imaginative enough to not mind them doing all sorts of fun things to you, surprises and frustratingly out of your reach pleasure. Just like back and enjoy, and maybe you can return the favour, maybe not.
Take The What's your sexual style? Test at HelloQuizzy
And then I took this test and scored a ZERO, no kidding!
Your result for The Sexuality Spectrum Test...
Bisexual
You are evenly bisexual. You have no gender preference when it comes to sex. If you are sexually inexperienced, it is possible that this will change after you do some experimenting.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Hmm, Someone is in Need Here
Warning: This post contains explicit and graphic sexual language. If not your cup of tea, move along to another post or another blog. Thanks.
I had a dream last night, a very vivid dream. I can always tell when I haven't had sex in too long because I start dreaming about sex in vivid detail. I sure did last night.
Here's the dream:
I was going to visit an old high school boyfriend (no not J) who had just split up from his wife. Apparently he was really depressed over the split, particularly since he's been such a devout Christian practically his entire life. Not only did I go to visit him but so did two other friends, also women. We all arrived at his house with the intention of spending the night with him. Of course, being the good fundie Christian Will (not his real name) isn't at all budged by any of our advances, and each of the three of us women tried. I was particularly jealous of one of the women (lets call her Susie) because he seemed to show more interest in her. However, he wasn't at all interested in any kind of intimacy with any of us.
Night fell and after dinner we prepared for bed. Will stayed in his own bed, turning down my offer to share it with me. I ended up sharing the fold out sofa in the family room with Susie. I'm not sure what happened to the third woman, but I didn't see her again in the dream. Susie was really attractive with long beautiful brown hair and green eyes that captivated me. We both put on our pajamas and got in bed. As we laid there I wanted so badly to touch her, to kiss her gently, but I was afraid that she would not welcome such advances so I just laid there. She rolled toward me and touched my hand. I tingled just from that light touch and held my breath as I wondered if things would progress further. I couldn't stand the tension and started to say something, but she put a finger to my lips. Then she put her arm around me, pulled me closer and kissed me passionately. That was just the start of much more to come (so to speak). She and I kissed each other hungrily as our hands began to roam underneath the soft flannel of our pajamas. I felt my nipples harden under her touch and continued kissing her as though to let go might cause the magic of the moment to escape. We undressed each other and proceeded to explore each others bodies with lips and tongues. She suckled at my breasts until I was as close to orgasm as I could get without actually cumming. She then proceeded further south and licked my most private places, driving me to distraction.
Alas, as with all my sex dreams, I woke up incredibly frustrated because I never quite can make it over the edge just from a dream, but I can sure make it to the point of incredible frustration. Unfortunately, when I awoke I had overslept and had no time to take care of myself. Ah well, maybe I'll head to bed early tonight, and see what I can find in the toy drawer to play with. Sigh. . . .
I had a dream last night, a very vivid dream. I can always tell when I haven't had sex in too long because I start dreaming about sex in vivid detail. I sure did last night.
Here's the dream:
I was going to visit an old high school boyfriend (no not J) who had just split up from his wife. Apparently he was really depressed over the split, particularly since he's been such a devout Christian practically his entire life. Not only did I go to visit him but so did two other friends, also women. We all arrived at his house with the intention of spending the night with him. Of course, being the good fundie Christian Will (not his real name) isn't at all budged by any of our advances, and each of the three of us women tried. I was particularly jealous of one of the women (lets call her Susie) because he seemed to show more interest in her. However, he wasn't at all interested in any kind of intimacy with any of us.
Night fell and after dinner we prepared for bed. Will stayed in his own bed, turning down my offer to share it with me. I ended up sharing the fold out sofa in the family room with Susie. I'm not sure what happened to the third woman, but I didn't see her again in the dream. Susie was really attractive with long beautiful brown hair and green eyes that captivated me. We both put on our pajamas and got in bed. As we laid there I wanted so badly to touch her, to kiss her gently, but I was afraid that she would not welcome such advances so I just laid there. She rolled toward me and touched my hand. I tingled just from that light touch and held my breath as I wondered if things would progress further. I couldn't stand the tension and started to say something, but she put a finger to my lips. Then she put her arm around me, pulled me closer and kissed me passionately. That was just the start of much more to come (so to speak). She and I kissed each other hungrily as our hands began to roam underneath the soft flannel of our pajamas. I felt my nipples harden under her touch and continued kissing her as though to let go might cause the magic of the moment to escape. We undressed each other and proceeded to explore each others bodies with lips and tongues. She suckled at my breasts until I was as close to orgasm as I could get without actually cumming. She then proceeded further south and licked my most private places, driving me to distraction.
Alas, as with all my sex dreams, I woke up incredibly frustrated because I never quite can make it over the edge just from a dream, but I can sure make it to the point of incredible frustration. Unfortunately, when I awoke I had overslept and had no time to take care of myself. Ah well, maybe I'll head to bed early tonight, and see what I can find in the toy drawer to play with. Sigh. . . .
Friday, February 22, 2008
Love/Hate of Women
A comment on the last post prompted me to write this post. It raised a very good question. How can I claim to be bi when I don't trust women in general?
The simple answer is that attraction and trust don't necessarily have to go together.
The longer answer if you care to read on is as follows:
There has been much discussion on the message boards of my bi group about the topic of female cattiness and how it impacts same sex relationships. Many of the women on the boards told of experiences they had with women in relationships that were ruined by the pettiness and cattiness that seems to come with a certain type of female. It was a long running thread and no real answers came out of it as to how one handles it, but there was pretty much consensus that it is more difficult dealing with women in relationships than men. No wonder men claim to not understand women. Even women don't understand women when they are in a relationship together.
It has been fascinating to me to learn from my interactions with this group of bi women that we all face many issues to which we can relate that neither straight or gay people really can. We have discussions about how monogamy is impacted when a person is bi, but that could be a post in and of itself. We have discussions about how when some straight women find out you are bi they will get uncomfortable around you as though afraid you'll try to rape her or something. Again that could be a whole post in itself. Anyway, there are all sorts of issues related to being bi that don't come up if you just go one way or the other.
My attraction to women is very real. My fear of them is just as real. Women are very difficult to understand, even for other women. Men, as I said in yesterday's post, seem to be more up front about things. This is not just my own observation, but something that many of my bi counterparts have found also.
This makes me think I may do a whole series of posts on the subject of bisexualty. I've got a million thoughts running through my head here and not enough time to deal with them all here and now. If you have specific questions related to being bi that you'd like me to address feel free to put them in the comments.
The simple answer is that attraction and trust don't necessarily have to go together.
The longer answer if you care to read on is as follows:
There has been much discussion on the message boards of my bi group about the topic of female cattiness and how it impacts same sex relationships. Many of the women on the boards told of experiences they had with women in relationships that were ruined by the pettiness and cattiness that seems to come with a certain type of female. It was a long running thread and no real answers came out of it as to how one handles it, but there was pretty much consensus that it is more difficult dealing with women in relationships than men. No wonder men claim to not understand women. Even women don't understand women when they are in a relationship together.
It has been fascinating to me to learn from my interactions with this group of bi women that we all face many issues to which we can relate that neither straight or gay people really can. We have discussions about how monogamy is impacted when a person is bi, but that could be a post in and of itself. We have discussions about how when some straight women find out you are bi they will get uncomfortable around you as though afraid you'll try to rape her or something. Again that could be a whole post in itself. Anyway, there are all sorts of issues related to being bi that don't come up if you just go one way or the other.
My attraction to women is very real. My fear of them is just as real. Women are very difficult to understand, even for other women. Men, as I said in yesterday's post, seem to be more up front about things. This is not just my own observation, but something that many of my bi counterparts have found also.
This makes me think I may do a whole series of posts on the subject of bisexualty. I've got a million thoughts running through my head here and not enough time to deal with them all here and now. If you have specific questions related to being bi that you'd like me to address feel free to put them in the comments.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The Smut Meme
Well, thanks to The Silent Male, I have finally been tagged to do the meme that absolutely everyone else has done already. It is a welcome departure from my normal whine-about-BJ-whine-about-W posts. There's never a bad time for a little smut on a blog.
The Rules: Tagged or not, feel free to post this on your blog. Title your post the Smut Meme, outline the rules, and tag two people when you're through. Please link to whoever you've tagged, so we can see just how smutty your readers are. Important note - you must pick one answer or the other, even if neither is your cup of tea.
1. Chocolate or whipped cream - This one is incredibly easy for me. Even though I love chocolate if we are talking about licking it off of another person then I go for the whipped cream. BJ and I have tried both, and the chocolate was difficult to get all licked off where the whipped cream was light and slippery and lots of fun.
2. Leather or PVC - Not a big fan of either, but given that I have to choose one of the two I'll say leather.
3. Outdoor sex or indoor sex - Outdoor sex is better in theory than in fact I've found so I'll go with indoor, but with the windows open. How's that for compromise?
4. In the jacuzzi or in bed - In bed for the most part, reserving the jacuzzi for the occasional "spice it up" alternative.
5. Bad sex or no sex - Oh dear, this is a tough one. If I had a regular sex life I would choose no sex over bad sex. Under my current circumstances though I'd take bad sex over no sex.
6. Dominate or be dominated - I'm all about being dominated. I loved the times I've been tied to the bed, blindfolded, used and abused (abused in the loving BDSM meaning of the word, not as in real abuse).
7. Thigh highs or bodystocking - Having never worn either I will say that the idea of a bodystocking doesn't do much for me except think that it would accentuate all the bumps and rolls on my body so I'll go with the thigh highs.
9. Rough or gentle - Rough. I love it rough. I also like it gentle, but gentle is for special moments. Rough is for everyday.
10. Bite or suck - Suck, definitely suck. Oh yes.
11. Role play or reality - Only ever had one boyfriend that I role played with and it was a lot of fun, but I've never felt the need to do it since then so let's go with reality.
12. Dirty talking or dirty talking to - Why yes thank you. Oh pick one? Okay you talk dirty to me. Tell me what a little slut I am and how much you want to fuck me, and I'll be dripping with desire.
13. Edible panties or no panties - No panties, most definitely. I've never tried edible panties, but they seem to me like they'd be kind of sticky and just generally in the way of getting to the good stuff.
14. Spanking paddle or bare hand - I've tried both and definitely prefer the bare hand.
15. Landing strip or Kojak - Okay, this one is a compromise answer because I actually like to go with full brushy thicket, but since I have to choose one of these alternatives I go with landing strip. No hair at all is just too childlike.
16. Multiple sessions or one good fuck - Multiple sessions. I have yet to meet the man that can keep up with me. I mean, what's a weekend for besides sex, naps and a couple of snack breaks?
17. Moaning or screaming - I tend to be a screamer which leads to some interesting looks from others in the hotel hallway.
18. Older men or young men - Older men: been there, done that, didn't even get the t-shirt. Gotta go with the young men. Not too young though. K is two years younger than me and that's good.
19. Threeway or no way - Threeway, either MFM, MFF, or FFF, I'm not picky.
20. Swing or no swinging - At different times of my adult life I've had very different opinions on this one. At the current time I'm all about swinging. Can't say that it will stay that way though.
Tag two people, huh? Hmm, has anyone not done it? Any volunteers?
The Rules: Tagged or not, feel free to post this on your blog. Title your post the Smut Meme, outline the rules, and tag two people when you're through. Please link to whoever you've tagged, so we can see just how smutty your readers are. Important note - you must pick one answer or the other, even if neither is your cup of tea.
1. Chocolate or whipped cream - This one is incredibly easy for me. Even though I love chocolate if we are talking about licking it off of another person then I go for the whipped cream. BJ and I have tried both, and the chocolate was difficult to get all licked off where the whipped cream was light and slippery and lots of fun.
2. Leather or PVC - Not a big fan of either, but given that I have to choose one of the two I'll say leather.
3. Outdoor sex or indoor sex - Outdoor sex is better in theory than in fact I've found so I'll go with indoor, but with the windows open. How's that for compromise?
4. In the jacuzzi or in bed - In bed for the most part, reserving the jacuzzi for the occasional "spice it up" alternative.
5. Bad sex or no sex - Oh dear, this is a tough one. If I had a regular sex life I would choose no sex over bad sex. Under my current circumstances though I'd take bad sex over no sex.
6. Dominate or be dominated - I'm all about being dominated. I loved the times I've been tied to the bed, blindfolded, used and abused (abused in the loving BDSM meaning of the word, not as in real abuse).
7. Thigh highs or bodystocking - Having never worn either I will say that the idea of a bodystocking doesn't do much for me except think that it would accentuate all the bumps and rolls on my body so I'll go with the thigh highs.
9. Rough or gentle - Rough. I love it rough. I also like it gentle, but gentle is for special moments. Rough is for everyday.
10. Bite or suck - Suck, definitely suck. Oh yes.
11. Role play or reality - Only ever had one boyfriend that I role played with and it was a lot of fun, but I've never felt the need to do it since then so let's go with reality.
12. Dirty talking or dirty talking to - Why yes thank you. Oh pick one? Okay you talk dirty to me. Tell me what a little slut I am and how much you want to fuck me, and I'll be dripping with desire.
13. Edible panties or no panties - No panties, most definitely. I've never tried edible panties, but they seem to me like they'd be kind of sticky and just generally in the way of getting to the good stuff.
14. Spanking paddle or bare hand - I've tried both and definitely prefer the bare hand.
15. Landing strip or Kojak - Okay, this one is a compromise answer because I actually like to go with full brushy thicket, but since I have to choose one of these alternatives I go with landing strip. No hair at all is just too childlike.
16. Multiple sessions or one good fuck - Multiple sessions. I have yet to meet the man that can keep up with me. I mean, what's a weekend for besides sex, naps and a couple of snack breaks?
17. Moaning or screaming - I tend to be a screamer which leads to some interesting looks from others in the hotel hallway.
18. Older men or young men - Older men: been there, done that, didn't even get the t-shirt. Gotta go with the young men. Not too young though. K is two years younger than me and that's good.
19. Threeway or no way - Threeway, either MFM, MFF, or FFF, I'm not picky.
20. Swing or no swinging - At different times of my adult life I've had very different opinions on this one. At the current time I'm all about swinging. Can't say that it will stay that way though.
Tag two people, huh? Hmm, has anyone not done it? Any volunteers?
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Welcome Diversion
moar funny pictures
That's some damned good advice there little kitteh.
Last night I went to the first event of the bi group that I've attended in a long time. I had been isolating myself because too often I was using doing things with them as a cover for things like going to visit BJ a few months ago, or going to meet K, or whatever. Last night it was time for some fun, some distraction from the pain of two simultaneous breakups, doing something with some real life friends instead of living in cyberspace, which is about all I do except for hooking up with K.
It was good that I am on medication related to my recent accident that prevent me from drinking alcohol. I fear that I would have made quite the fool of myself last night had I become inebriated. As it was I just had a smashing good time without turning into a maudlin drunk.
We went to dinner together, eight crazy women, each with our own complications in life, and for one night we were just eight crazy women enjoying ourselves. Dinner was excellent. The location chosen was one that I would probably not have known about had others in the group not suggested it. It was a very small, very crowded little place offering live music (wonderful BTW) and a very varied menu. The grilled portobello sandwich I ordered was delicious.
After dinner what better mischief for eight bi women than heading off to the local "gentleman's club." Yes, we went and watched strippers, most too skinny to truly enjoy too much. Ah, but there was one, Diamond, who was beautiful. She had the most gorgeous caramel skin, curves where all women should have them, and a sparkling personality. She was the one most in our group drooled over. She was the one that gave me a lap dance, a very arousing experience I must say as she buried my face in her bare chest and then put her bare snatch in front of my face and rubbed it against me (although patrons can't touch the girls the girls can, and do, touch the patrons). Oh my. I'd have taken her home with me if I could've (and who knows, maybe for a price I could've, I didn't ask).
Yes, this was just the diversion this heartbroken lady needed. I shed no tears the entire evening, the longest I've been tear free since receiving the Dear Jane email, and have only had a few weepy moments today though that is probably due more to being exhausted from not getting home until 3:30 this morning than to anything else.
The hurt is still there. The heartbreak has not yet healed, and won't for some time. Yet just as I titled yesterday's post life goes on.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
How’s My Day Going?
- W tells me this morning N’s teacher will be calling tonight around 8:00 to talk to both of us but that she didn’t say what the topic is. Shit. . .
- W had his annual physical this morning. He tells me the doctor said he’s doing very well and should live to be 100. Shit. . .
- W brings home lunch for himself from the local deli but nothing for me. He said he didn’t think about getting me anything even though he knows I come home for lunch almost every day. Shit. . .
- I am as horny as I’ve been in a long time, but when I thought about the possibility of asking W to help me with that all it did was turn my stomach. Shit. . .
- As nice as it is to have a social group of bi women, it is damned frustrating sitting on the sidelines hearing about relationships blooming while those women in whom I am interested just want to be friends. Shit. . .
Other than that, everything is peachy keen. Thanks for asking.
Monday, September 24, 2007
As Promised Earlier
The Dream
I have come back from a medical procedure of some sort where I was off work just a few days. Rather than coming back to my fairly new job with a new department, I go back as agreed beforehand to my old job with my old department because they need help. When I get back there it becomes obvious that they don’t want me for a couple of days just to help out. They expect me to stay for a couple of weeks and do all the same things I used to do for month end close. However, I’m not sure the new supervisor and new department are going to be very happy about that. I try to find a way to move back into the new department right away, but the head of the old department prevents it. The new supervisor is frustrated that I am not there with them, yet the old supervisor is holding onto me tenaciously. However, in the midst of all this I have been working on a totally different project with a totally different area of the company, preparing a magazine for publication. The person for whom I have been doing this work comes to see me and is very impressed. The only frustration in this is that I keep losing the page that has my editorial on it, and I am so proud of it and want to show it off yet I keep losing it and thumbing through the pages only to find it and then lose it again. In spite of that glitch, she (who happened to be Susan Lucci in the dream; weird) is so impressed that when the CEO stops by she calls him into the conference room and starts to go over my work with him. We (they) decided we should have a full team meeting about this, and we all go over to my house where Susan Lucci brings plenty of food and wine. I spend a good deal of time getting the food laid out for us as the rest of the team is drinking wine, laughing and talking. W and N arrive home and I warn them of the gathering at the house and ask them to please stay out of the way as I am trying to impress these people and may have a whole different opportunity that would take me in a whole new direction. I’m a little intimidated by this group of people, and not quite sure I fit in well, but it would be such an exciting opportunity.
My Interpretation
The whole workplace represents my life as it is now. The old supervisor = W, the new supervisor = BJ, and this different work team = my bi friends group. I’m really wanting to transition from W to BJ, but W has a hold on me that I can’t seem to shake. BJ is frustrated with the situation, and I’m none too sure I’ll make it to that new place in life with him. My bi friends are a group that provides me with a whole different outlet for my energies and my passions. I am excited about that, but also a bit uncertain and afraid and perhaps holding myself on the edge of the group. However, I have no idea why Susan Lucci planted herself into my dream other than I’ve been watching her on All My Children for at least 30 years so she was a familiar and handy person to plunk into that role maybe.
Further Analysis
Although in a work situation the supervisors would have control and have to fight it out among themselves, in my life I have control of the direction I take if I choose to exercise that control. However, I have not so far chosen to exercise that control but have more or less handed that over to W and BJ in the hopes they would fight it out amongst themselves so that I didn’t have to make the hard decisions. That isn’t going to fly. And then here is this other group of people, my bi friends, who offer me something entirely different. It isn’t even necessarily a romantic or carnal connection, but it is definitely friendship with kindred spirits and something I’ve not experienced often in my lifetime. Friends to me have been few and far between, particularly female friends, and very rarely female friends with whom I could talk honestly about things in my life. These budding friendships are wonderful and yet something holds me back from really enjoying them because I fear that they too once they know too much of the real me will back away.
And Then Again
Maybe sometimes a dream is just a dream and means nothing.
I have come back from a medical procedure of some sort where I was off work just a few days. Rather than coming back to my fairly new job with a new department, I go back as agreed beforehand to my old job with my old department because they need help. When I get back there it becomes obvious that they don’t want me for a couple of days just to help out. They expect me to stay for a couple of weeks and do all the same things I used to do for month end close. However, I’m not sure the new supervisor and new department are going to be very happy about that. I try to find a way to move back into the new department right away, but the head of the old department prevents it. The new supervisor is frustrated that I am not there with them, yet the old supervisor is holding onto me tenaciously. However, in the midst of all this I have been working on a totally different project with a totally different area of the company, preparing a magazine for publication. The person for whom I have been doing this work comes to see me and is very impressed. The only frustration in this is that I keep losing the page that has my editorial on it, and I am so proud of it and want to show it off yet I keep losing it and thumbing through the pages only to find it and then lose it again. In spite of that glitch, she (who happened to be Susan Lucci in the dream; weird) is so impressed that when the CEO stops by she calls him into the conference room and starts to go over my work with him. We (they) decided we should have a full team meeting about this, and we all go over to my house where Susan Lucci brings plenty of food and wine. I spend a good deal of time getting the food laid out for us as the rest of the team is drinking wine, laughing and talking. W and N arrive home and I warn them of the gathering at the house and ask them to please stay out of the way as I am trying to impress these people and may have a whole different opportunity that would take me in a whole new direction. I’m a little intimidated by this group of people, and not quite sure I fit in well, but it would be such an exciting opportunity.
My Interpretation
The whole workplace represents my life as it is now. The old supervisor = W, the new supervisor = BJ, and this different work team = my bi friends group. I’m really wanting to transition from W to BJ, but W has a hold on me that I can’t seem to shake. BJ is frustrated with the situation, and I’m none too sure I’ll make it to that new place in life with him. My bi friends are a group that provides me with a whole different outlet for my energies and my passions. I am excited about that, but also a bit uncertain and afraid and perhaps holding myself on the edge of the group. However, I have no idea why Susan Lucci planted herself into my dream other than I’ve been watching her on All My Children for at least 30 years so she was a familiar and handy person to plunk into that role maybe.
Further Analysis
Although in a work situation the supervisors would have control and have to fight it out among themselves, in my life I have control of the direction I take if I choose to exercise that control. However, I have not so far chosen to exercise that control but have more or less handed that over to W and BJ in the hopes they would fight it out amongst themselves so that I didn’t have to make the hard decisions. That isn’t going to fly. And then here is this other group of people, my bi friends, who offer me something entirely different. It isn’t even necessarily a romantic or carnal connection, but it is definitely friendship with kindred spirits and something I’ve not experienced often in my lifetime. Friends to me have been few and far between, particularly female friends, and very rarely female friends with whom I could talk honestly about things in my life. These budding friendships are wonderful and yet something holds me back from really enjoying them because I fear that they too once they know too much of the real me will back away.
And Then Again
Maybe sometimes a dream is just a dream and means nothing.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Admitting a Problem
Okay, maybe it's not a drinking problem. Maybe it is more of a personality problem. On Saturday night, I went to a party. It was a small party, just a few women. We were all drinking, some of us more heavily than others. For me, I drank a whole lot -- two and a half glasses of wine and a small taste of champagne punch. Now I know that's not an excessive amount in the course of a six hour party, and way less than most. The point of all this? I felt out of place (as usual). Everyone else relaxes, has fun, enjoys themselves. About the time I think I'm having a great time, something happens to make me realize that I am a fish out of water.
We were playing a game, I don't remember the name of it, where one person reads a question from a card, the others write their responses. One person reads all the responses and the person who read the question guesses who gave each answer. While everybody else was coming up with funny, sexy, even obscene answers to questions I gave answers like "Math" to "If you could teach anything at all, what would it be?" and "Groceries" to "Once you retire what will you use your retirement savings to buy?"
I, Trueself, am a true dork. Anybody know when and where the closest Dorks Anonymous meeting is held?
Okay, well maybe I'm not a total dork. I did kiss two women at the party and retrieved a playing card from the bra of one of them. A total dork wouldn't have done that I suppose.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Will I Ever Grow Up?
An interesting discussion occurred between W and me a couple of days ago. I was explaining to him that I would be busy this weekend with a pajama party on Saturday night and a cookout on Sunday afternoon with my new circle of friends.
His initial reaction was that I could only do it if it was okay with N, that as a mom my primary obligation is to the family. My initial reaction was a mixture of anger at that assertion and feeling guilty that maybe he was right. So I started to think it through while we discussed it, and finally came to the conclusion that I am not being selfish to want this time for me with people other than my family.
W’s argument is that because I am a working mom the only times I have with N are the evenings and weekends so I should make him my top priority during those times. So far in his life, other than the three months while I lived here and they lived in LOH, I’ve pretty much done that. I gave up singing in the church choir, gave up attending Bible study, gave up my position on church council, stopped attending happy hours after work with coworkers. I pretty much went to work and came home so I could take N off of W’s hands. Now when N was a baby that made some amount of sense because W was trapped all day at home caring for him 100%. Because I was working full time W also did most of the middle of the night care too. So it really did make sense that I would relieve him of duty when I got home and let him have a bit of a life too.
Does this, at this point, still make sense? I feel like I’ve lost me. Is it unfair to want time for me? I don’t think so. W now has his days free until N gets home from school. Sure there are things that need to get done around the house, but he still has the freedom to come and go as he pleases, attending classes, exploring yet another fly by night get rich quick scheme, or whatever else he does during the day. But what about me? So far, I’ve been allowed out one evening per month to become a member and attend meetings of a civic organization. I can go for walks for exercise but only if I take N and the dog with me. W even suggested I could return to church choir if they practice at the same time the kids are having an activity at church. Oh yes, and I can go get my hair done once a month all by myself. Other than that, I’m supposed to spend “family time.”
Then earlier this month I went and spent an afternoon (4 whole hours) meeting some new people who share a common bond with me as recounted here. We decided to have once a month get togethers. For September, because of the holiday weekend we decided to have both the pajama party and cookout. Not everyone can make both, but some will. For me to attend both would mean both a whole evening and afternoon away from my family. I think this is reasonable. W does not, or at least didn’t at first. I’ve pretty much made it clear that whether he likes it or not I AM doing this. It isn’t as if I am like Joe Flirt’s wife who goes out almost every night of the week. I’m wanting less than 24 hours of a three day weekend.
But, you know, here’s the real question. Why do I still feel the need to justify myself to a man that I can barely tolerate? Why don’t I just leave, be on my own and do my own thing? Yeah, I’d like the answers to that too.
His initial reaction was that I could only do it if it was okay with N, that as a mom my primary obligation is to the family. My initial reaction was a mixture of anger at that assertion and feeling guilty that maybe he was right. So I started to think it through while we discussed it, and finally came to the conclusion that I am not being selfish to want this time for me with people other than my family.
W’s argument is that because I am a working mom the only times I have with N are the evenings and weekends so I should make him my top priority during those times. So far in his life, other than the three months while I lived here and they lived in LOH, I’ve pretty much done that. I gave up singing in the church choir, gave up attending Bible study, gave up my position on church council, stopped attending happy hours after work with coworkers. I pretty much went to work and came home so I could take N off of W’s hands. Now when N was a baby that made some amount of sense because W was trapped all day at home caring for him 100%. Because I was working full time W also did most of the middle of the night care too. So it really did make sense that I would relieve him of duty when I got home and let him have a bit of a life too.
Does this, at this point, still make sense? I feel like I’ve lost me. Is it unfair to want time for me? I don’t think so. W now has his days free until N gets home from school. Sure there are things that need to get done around the house, but he still has the freedom to come and go as he pleases, attending classes, exploring yet another fly by night get rich quick scheme, or whatever else he does during the day. But what about me? So far, I’ve been allowed out one evening per month to become a member and attend meetings of a civic organization. I can go for walks for exercise but only if I take N and the dog with me. W even suggested I could return to church choir if they practice at the same time the kids are having an activity at church. Oh yes, and I can go get my hair done once a month all by myself. Other than that, I’m supposed to spend “family time.”
Then earlier this month I went and spent an afternoon (4 whole hours) meeting some new people who share a common bond with me as recounted here. We decided to have once a month get togethers. For September, because of the holiday weekend we decided to have both the pajama party and cookout. Not everyone can make both, but some will. For me to attend both would mean both a whole evening and afternoon away from my family. I think this is reasonable. W does not, or at least didn’t at first. I’ve pretty much made it clear that whether he likes it or not I AM doing this. It isn’t as if I am like Joe Flirt’s wife who goes out almost every night of the week. I’m wanting less than 24 hours of a three day weekend.
But, you know, here’s the real question. Why do I still feel the need to justify myself to a man that I can barely tolerate? Why don’t I just leave, be on my own and do my own thing? Yeah, I’d like the answers to that too.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Yep! That's Me. . .
and it's probably way more than you wanted to know about me.
The Bottom is happiest sexually when being told what to do. Abandonment of mind and body is what The Bottom believes will push them toward real sexual fulfillment. They seek to prove their commitment to their lovers, often testing their own boundaries to their limits (and beyond). Enduring physical pain to prove how total their dedication is to themselves and their partners is not at all unusual. In fact, it is standard for many. The Bottom functions on a highly emotional level, closely linking the physical with the spiritual and intellectual. Therefore, sex for The Bottom is an all-consuming experience and not undertaken lightly, especially if they are serving more than one Top.
I took Sage Vivant's Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I'm a Bottom!
The Bottom is happiest sexually when being told what to do. Abandonment of mind and body is what The Bottom believes will push them toward real sexual fulfillment. They seek to prove their commitment to their lovers, often testing their own boundaries to their limits (and beyond). Enduring physical pain to prove how total their dedication is to themselves and their partners is not at all unusual. In fact, it is standard for many. The Bottom functions on a highly emotional level, closely linking the physical with the spiritual and intellectual. Therefore, sex for The Bottom is an all-consuming experience and not undertaken lightly, especially if they are serving more than one Top.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
What a Day
It's really been a day in three parts:
PART I
This morning I read BJ's post from last night. It brought tears to my eyes when I read it. I felt absolutely awful that he was down and lonely and alone. If only I weren't hundreds of miles away things would be so very different. Fortunately he and I were able to talk, first via IM, then on the phone. We had what I think were some really good, really important discussions. When it comes right down to it other than N BJ is the most important person in my life, and I told him so today. It's probably not the first time I've said it, but he really needed to hear it today. Also, I told him that if he really needs me to be with him this weekend I would drive up to see him today and take whatever consequences come from it. I knew that what that would mean would be telling W the truth about me and BJ, and I do worry what that would do in terms of custody fights between W and me. Fortunately, as we talked BJ and I both came to our senses, realized that we are on the right path right now and don't need to do anything impetuous. We both felt better after we talked I think. I know he sounded like he was in a better place.
PART II
The reason I had time to talk to BJ for a while was that I had something of a drive to and from my meeting today with other bi women from the area. It was a great experience. Only five of us attended. We had a good time and are looking forward to expanding the group. We introduced ourselves to one another, and as part of our introductions we included whether we have a significant other, whether they are supportive of our sexuality, when we realized we were bi, whether we had explored our bi sides, and whether or not we are out. Even with just five of us there we ran the gamut of totally out to not out, experienced to no experience, in open to closed relationships. We were a diverse group. Interestingly enough, all five of us are married. I am the least "out" of the group. The only people that know that I'm bi that are currently in my life are online friends/acquaintances except for W and BJ who both know. They are the only ones IRL who know. The only others who have ever known were people with whom I had bi relationships or with whom I at least considered having a bi relationship. None of my family members know nor would they understand. It was an interesting discussion we had finding many common issues and feelings. It was great too talk in a group where we could be completely open about a part of our lives that in many situations is not an "acceptable" topic. What a great way to spend an afternoon! By the time we left we had our next two get togethers tentatively planned. We are going to be getting together monthly so one of the participant's husbands has already called it the "bi monthly meeting." Cool.
PART III
After I returned home, W and I had the most interesting discussion that we've had in ages. He wanted to know all about the meeting and whether I enjoyed it. I told him some basic info about the afternoon. He could see that I was very happy with how it had gone. The conversation took a completely and totally unexpected turn when W shared that we would have no problem if I had a girlfriend on the side. He is completely against me having a boyfriend on the side, but a girlfriend is perfectly okay. He doesn't desire any participation with me and this hypothetical girlfriend. So I guess he's come around to figuring if I need sex and intimacy I can use my bi side to get it as long as I don't replace him entirely. He doesn't feel threatened by women in the same way that he would with another man. This attitude took me so fully by surprise. It is quite a shift from past attitudes. He's always been all about if we were going to swing we were going to do it together. Then we had that aborted attempt at a don't ask, don't tell policy which we really still have, sort of, but he keeps such close watch on me that it is very difficult to have anything on the side (though I do manage). Now he's saying sure, go play with other women, no problem, be open about it, just no men. Does he really mean this, or is he just trying to make it more difficult for me to leave by loosening up on me? I don't know. I do know it is increasing the guilt that I feel for not wanting to be with him anymore. He is bending over so far backwards in his own way to try to keep me here. It is obvious to me that he does indeed want me to stay. However, I still want out. I want out of this marriage. I must tell him that soon. I can't continue to allow him to work so hard at making things better when I know deep down that it is at this point too little too late, that I am not going to be happy within this marriage. I need to be honest with him about that.
PART I
This morning I read BJ's post from last night. It brought tears to my eyes when I read it. I felt absolutely awful that he was down and lonely and alone. If only I weren't hundreds of miles away things would be so very different. Fortunately he and I were able to talk, first via IM, then on the phone. We had what I think were some really good, really important discussions. When it comes right down to it other than N BJ is the most important person in my life, and I told him so today. It's probably not the first time I've said it, but he really needed to hear it today. Also, I told him that if he really needs me to be with him this weekend I would drive up to see him today and take whatever consequences come from it. I knew that what that would mean would be telling W the truth about me and BJ, and I do worry what that would do in terms of custody fights between W and me. Fortunately, as we talked BJ and I both came to our senses, realized that we are on the right path right now and don't need to do anything impetuous. We both felt better after we talked I think. I know he sounded like he was in a better place.
PART II
The reason I had time to talk to BJ for a while was that I had something of a drive to and from my meeting today with other bi women from the area. It was a great experience. Only five of us attended. We had a good time and are looking forward to expanding the group. We introduced ourselves to one another, and as part of our introductions we included whether we have a significant other, whether they are supportive of our sexuality, when we realized we were bi, whether we had explored our bi sides, and whether or not we are out. Even with just five of us there we ran the gamut of totally out to not out, experienced to no experience, in open to closed relationships. We were a diverse group. Interestingly enough, all five of us are married. I am the least "out" of the group. The only people that know that I'm bi that are currently in my life are online friends/acquaintances except for W and BJ who both know. They are the only ones IRL who know. The only others who have ever known were people with whom I had bi relationships or with whom I at least considered having a bi relationship. None of my family members know nor would they understand. It was an interesting discussion we had finding many common issues and feelings. It was great too talk in a group where we could be completely open about a part of our lives that in many situations is not an "acceptable" topic. What a great way to spend an afternoon! By the time we left we had our next two get togethers tentatively planned. We are going to be getting together monthly so one of the participant's husbands has already called it the "bi monthly meeting." Cool.
PART III
After I returned home, W and I had the most interesting discussion that we've had in ages. He wanted to know all about the meeting and whether I enjoyed it. I told him some basic info about the afternoon. He could see that I was very happy with how it had gone. The conversation took a completely and totally unexpected turn when W shared that we would have no problem if I had a girlfriend on the side. He is completely against me having a boyfriend on the side, but a girlfriend is perfectly okay. He doesn't desire any participation with me and this hypothetical girlfriend. So I guess he's come around to figuring if I need sex and intimacy I can use my bi side to get it as long as I don't replace him entirely. He doesn't feel threatened by women in the same way that he would with another man. This attitude took me so fully by surprise. It is quite a shift from past attitudes. He's always been all about if we were going to swing we were going to do it together. Then we had that aborted attempt at a don't ask, don't tell policy which we really still have, sort of, but he keeps such close watch on me that it is very difficult to have anything on the side (though I do manage). Now he's saying sure, go play with other women, no problem, be open about it, just no men. Does he really mean this, or is he just trying to make it more difficult for me to leave by loosening up on me? I don't know. I do know it is increasing the guilt that I feel for not wanting to be with him anymore. He is bending over so far backwards in his own way to try to keep me here. It is obvious to me that he does indeed want me to stay. However, I still want out. I want out of this marriage. I must tell him that soon. I can't continue to allow him to work so hard at making things better when I know deep down that it is at this point too little too late, that I am not going to be happy within this marriage. I need to be honest with him about that.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Wow! 100% Hot!
You scored as Hot, You are Hot, you scream and are wild, people love doing anything sexual with you.
What is your sexual style? created with QuizFarm.com |
Now you know what keeps BJ around. It's the hot, violent, wet, exciting sex.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
People Like Me
If you've noticed the countdown I currently have going in my sidebar you'll see that I'm counting down until such time as "Meeting others like me." What on earth could I mean by that? Women in bad marriages? No.
Women commiting adultery? No.
Fat women? No.
Women with children? No.
Women with bad hair? No.
Women who blog? No.
Women with phone phobia? No.
Women who are bisexual? BINGO!! We have a winner.
If you recallthis post from last fall, I talked (apparently to myself as not one person commented on it) about being bisexual and how hard it is to feel like I fit anywhere. Turns out that there are other bisexual women out there feeling similar feelings as I have, and through the efforts of one of them a social group is forming in my neck of the woods. Notice I said SOCIAL GROUP, not swingers group, not a dating service. No, we are going to get together as a group of people who share a common bond to talk about what it means to us to be who and what we are. It will be a place where we can be open about an aspect of our lives about which we often cannot be open. I think it will be a great thing. I love that I am coming into this group just as it is forming, with our first meeting this Saturday. We've already chatted some on message boards set up by the initiator of this group, and there are some very interesting women on board. I can't wait!
Oh, and one other thing that is especially cool about this is that for the first time I can remember, rather than asking W if I could attend I told him that I was going to be joining this group and attending Saturday's meeting. That may seem like a little thing, but it is a huge step in the direction of me being independent that I didn't wait to see if it would be okay with him before deciding to do something. Ha! I'm almost a real person. One baby step at a time. . .
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