Man of My Dreams

No, the title isn’t exactly leading into a post you would think it would. Nope. . . So stopping thinking that way. Right now. I insist. No, this post is about a dream I had last night and the man who appeared in it in a starring role.

This was one of those dreams that was very vivid, the kind that sticks with me afterwards as my conscious brain tries to work through what my subconscious brain was trying to tell me during the night.

The man, let’s call him Jake because I believe that was his name in my dream (or it might have been Jared or James or Jack, but it was a J name so Jake will do) in the dream seems to be someone with whom I am familiar and comfortable. However, Jake is not someone from my real life. Awake, I have no idea who I may have patterned him after. In my dream though we were obviously well acquainted prior to the start of the dream.

The Dream:
I arrive at a hotel suite (almost more like an apartment than hotel suite though in that it has a full kitchen and dining area) that I have reserved and for which I am paying. N is with me. W and several family members from W’s side of the family will be joining us there for Thanksgiving dinner. I notice with some frustration that this suite has an adjoining suite with only a short hallway, no door, separating them. Jake arrives at some point, but I am unclear now as to exactly when he appears in my dream.

One of the problems we have is that when we arrive, I discover that I have forgotten the suitcase in which most of N and my clothing is packed. We have only our overnight bag which contains toiletries, underwear and socks. I worry over this for a short time but then reason that surely W noticed and will bring our suitcase along with his when he comes. Later, when he arrives I learn that of course he has not brought our suitcase, just his. I express some frustration over this as does N.

Here is where the dream gets fuzzy to me. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I do know the TV was on and there was some disagreement over what to watch. My recollection of the dream continues at bedtime. By this time Jake is there, and it is clear that he is very much smitten with me. I also feel an attraction to him, but I know that I have to maintain my distance since W and N are there too. I am also aware of the people in the adjacent suite as I can hear conversation over there and again feel frustration that the only thing that separates us from them is common decency not to interfere with one another. I remember hoping they wouldn’t stay up too late and keep us awake.

While watching TV, we’re all (me, N, Jake and W) sitting on some large L-shaped sofa. At one point I’m more lying down than sitting. Jake swoops in to try to kiss me, but I push him away telling him to stop and thinking to myself that I don’t want to hurt W’s feelings by doing such things in front of him. I’m also hoping Jake doesn’t take it the wrong way, thinking that I don’t want to be with him because I do. It’s just that I want to show some respect for my marriage. (Hey, I know, but it’s a dream. Obviously my subconscious was at work here on me.)

Again fuzziness. We must’ve gone to sleep and slept through the night because the next thing I knew it was morning. W was in the bathroom showering or shaving or whatever. N was still asleep. Jake was lying next to me talking to me. He’s telling me how attracted he is to me and how he really wants us to be a bigger part of one another’s lives. I tell him I am flattered. I keep trying to act very coolly toward him as I know I have an obligation to my marriage, but inwardly I am dying to tell him how much I feel the same as he does.

Jake produces a ring from his pocket and asks me if I will marry him. He tells me that he knows that I can’t marry right away, but he wants us to be engaged. He wants us to be promised to one another and marry as soon as I can divorce W. I am blown away. I say yes, of course. We kiss. He gently slides the ring on my finger. Although I can’t see it clearly (maybe I don’t have my glasses on yet) it looks a little less delicate than I expected, but I choose not to think about it.

Soon it becomes quite busy. There is cooking to do and relatives start arriving. The suite is abuzz with activity. We try placing an olive green runner on the dining table but it is too short to run the length of the table. (I know, what a crazy detail but for some reason it stood out as a very important thing to me in the dream.) I decide we should use a tablecloth that I have, but then remember I’m not at home and don’t have it with me. We look in the cupboards in the suite and find an ugly rust orange plastic tablecloth and after some discussion we decide that we will use it.

It is during this dinner preparation time that I finally look at my engagement ring. It is, to be kind about it, butt ugly. It is a yellow gold wide band with four tiny diamonds(?), zirconia(?), crystals(?), paste(?), set in a gold parallelogram on the front of it. Hmm. . . This would not have been my choice, but then again of all the engagements rings I’ve had in my lifetime (and there are more than there ever should have been, trust me) I’ve only every had one that could be considered nice. I sigh and continue with dinner preparations.

Around this time one of the female relatives (and truly I don’t remember which one or if it is one that exists in real life or only in my dream) starts to talk to me about my engagement to Jake. Nothing at all came up about W, or the obvious need to accomplish the divorce from him prior to undertaking a new marriage. No, her focus was Jake and her concerns that he was leading me on and only intended for me as a cash cow. She stated that I didn’t know much about him, and as far as she was concerned he was looking forward to living off of my income, in my house, and not interested in the least in being my soulmate. I verbally disagreed with her, but I thought to myself that maybe the ugly cheap engagement ring was more than just bad taste. Maybe it reflected Jake’s lack of real interest in me other than financial.

I go out to the living room area and sit with Jake. We start to talk. He gives very evasive answers.

I woke up at this point and the details of this dream have been nagging at me all day long. They won’t let go. Maybe I’ll dream it again tonight, or pick up where I left off, or maybe it was just a one and done kind of dream. For whatever else it means, I do see that it reflects one of my basic fears – that I will never find a man who is interested in me unless I can provide financially for myself and possibly contribute to his living expenses too.