Blue or Maybe Shades of Gray

I am in a blue mood (Who am I kidding here but me? “Blue mood” as used here is simply a euphemism for depression.) and can’t really pinpoint the reason other than life isn’t perfect and feels too difficult to be worth the effort right now.

Maybe I’m overwhelmed. I certainly feel overwhelmed when I look at all that needs to be done, and I feel like I’m never going to be able to get on top of it so I don’t tackle anything at all and then it just gets worse.

I can’t seem to get my brain to settle on one thing for very long. It flits from this to that from here to there, and I feel like I get nothing finished before I start the next thing. Then there’s something else that must be done right now so I stop and work on that until the next interruption by something that requires immediate attention.

I really want to go crawl in bed and stay there for about a month. I’d do it, too, if I thought things would be better at the end of that month. But they wouldn’t. If anything, they would be worse. I hate that I get myself stuck in these places, yet I do it over and over again.

Depression is an interesting phenomenon. I can see that I’m in the throes of depression right now. I can intellectually understand that the depression is not rational, and yet I feel incapable of moving beyond it. Indeed, I even feel incapable of moving at all. I am so very tired of the feeling of depression. I don’t know what I need to make it better, and maybe because of the depression, I feel like any attempts I make will fail to make it better anyway.

It is so hard to explain the feelings that swirl about inside me when depression takes hold. I feel like nobody will understand even if I do give voice to the feelings. They are not thoughts and feelings that are easily understood for they are complex and not simple thoughts. They are almost too complex to be able to articulate through words.

It’s moments like these, when the depression looms heavily, that I long to check myself into a psych facility. I know it probably isn’t as pleasant as I imagine, but when I think of it I picture myself sitting in a sunlit room reading book after book. I picture attendants taking care of me and me having no responsibilities at all. I picture being told when to get up and when to go to bed. I picture being told when to eat and what to eat. I picture sitting and reading and waiting for an attendant to come along to tell me it is time to move on to the next thing. Yes, it sounds so simple, and I long for the simplicity of it. I’m sure the reality of it would be much worse than I imagine. It is for that reason, and for not wanting to jeopardize custody of N, that I continue plodding forward. I have to keep moving forward, even if it is a struggle and feels too hard at times, for if I were to stop making the effort I might just end up in that facility, and worse yet, I might just lose N. I can't take chances with that.