Monday, May 12, 2008

Blue or Maybe Shades of Gray

I am in a blue mood (Who am I kidding here but me? “Blue mood” as used here is simply a euphemism for depression.) and can’t really pinpoint the reason other than life isn’t perfect and feels too difficult to be worth the effort right now.

Maybe I’m overwhelmed. I certainly feel overwhelmed when I look at all that needs to be done, and I feel like I’m never going to be able to get on top of it so I don’t tackle anything at all and then it just gets worse.

I can’t seem to get my brain to settle on one thing for very long. It flits from this to that from here to there, and I feel like I get nothing finished before I start the next thing. Then there’s something else that must be done right now so I stop and work on that until the next interruption by something that requires immediate attention.

I really want to go crawl in bed and stay there for about a month. I’d do it, too, if I thought things would be better at the end of that month. But they wouldn’t. If anything, they would be worse. I hate that I get myself stuck in these places, yet I do it over and over again.

Depression is an interesting phenomenon. I can see that I’m in the throes of depression right now. I can intellectually understand that the depression is not rational, and yet I feel incapable of moving beyond it. Indeed, I even feel incapable of moving at all. I am so very tired of the feeling of depression. I don’t know what I need to make it better, and maybe because of the depression, I feel like any attempts I make will fail to make it better anyway.

It is so hard to explain the feelings that swirl about inside me when depression takes hold. I feel like nobody will understand even if I do give voice to the feelings. They are not thoughts and feelings that are easily understood for they are complex and not simple thoughts. They are almost too complex to be able to articulate through words.

It’s moments like these, when the depression looms heavily, that I long to check myself into a psych facility. I know it probably isn’t as pleasant as I imagine, but when I think of it I picture myself sitting in a sunlit room reading book after book. I picture attendants taking care of me and me having no responsibilities at all. I picture being told when to get up and when to go to bed. I picture being told when to eat and what to eat. I picture sitting and reading and waiting for an attendant to come along to tell me it is time to move on to the next thing. Yes, it sounds so simple, and I long for the simplicity of it. I’m sure the reality of it would be much worse than I imagine. It is for that reason, and for not wanting to jeopardize custody of N, that I continue plodding forward. I have to keep moving forward, even if it is a struggle and feels too hard at times, for if I were to stop making the effort I might just end up in that facility, and worse yet, I might just lose N. I can't take chances with that.


Val said...

Babe I feel for you, & I hope it's not too condescending to say I know EXACTLY how you feel...
[I'm consumed w/guilt for how much I'm looking forward to my "Night Alone" tonight, w/hubby out of town & son going to his dad's...]

Anonymous said...

Hi TS, sounds like you are struggling at the moment. Perhaps try picking a couple of small things and accomplishing them (something like clean the sink, or pick up the clothes off the floor and put them away). Even just finishing a couple of little things might help with the feelings of not being able to achieve anything? And remember, most of us don't achieve a tenth of what we set out to each day...or am I speaking for myself there!!! Hope you are feeling a little better soon.

Bunny said...

I struggle with major depression (I take a LOT of meds!) so I can identify with your feelings. I sometimes think it would be nice to have a breakdown and spend a little time in the nuthouse (an upscale spa-like place, in my fantasy). But I went to one when I was in law school, to observe involuntary commitment proceedings and it was just plain scary. Granted, involuntarily committed folks are the really hard cases, but still. The whole place was icky. Still, time away from home and the kids is quite appealing.

My said...

Trueself, I think we all have that fantasy from time-to-time of needing someone else to take care of us in every way, to make all the decisions, and to do all the things that we call life on a daily basis. Sigh, I feel it too. That depression or grayness, or that blue feeling. Life is not always what we had hoped for or wanted. It's those kinks that will bring you down and make you feel that you are suffocating in this awful web of living from one moment to the next. But it eventually passes, right? And life goes on until the next time it feels so bad. Is it part of life to feel this way? Perhaps it is, but it does suck when things aren't going so well and trying to do the most simplistic of tasks seems like some great effort. Anyway, Tru, I hope you're OK. I hope you get through this. Maybe you and your honey, BJ, can take a trip together and together the two of you can forget about real life for awhile. Hugs!

Trueself said...

Val - Not condescending at all, particularly coming from you. With our lives running on such parallel tracks how could you not know exactly how I feel? {{hugs}}

lill - You're right, and it did help a bit that I got the dishes put away and most of the clothes folded. Small things, but it makes me feel like maybe in small steps I can make progress.

Bunny - Hmm, between you and me sounds like we're keeping the pharmaceutical companies and psychotherapists in business.

And yes, I want the spa-like nuthouse thankyouverymuch.

My - I love the idea of BJ and I getting away for a bit. Maybe, just maybe, we can squeeze in a mini-vacation somewhere. That sounds heavenly.

Emily said...

Trueself, you have been through a huge amount in the past couple of years - W's cancer, the deterioration of the relationship, the divorce, the dramas with other people, the issues with N, moving jobs and cities...It's a lot, and your depression isn't really irrational. It's only natural to feel exhausted and sad at this point.

You are strong, and if you can try to be gentle and patient with yourself, take good care of yourself, your strength will come back to you.