Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Ambling Rambling and Struggling

Eternal struggle, this whole identity, self-esteem, self-image, self-worth shit. Trying to balance my wants and needs and desires with filling the wants and needs and desires of others. Independence vs. codependence vs. total dependence. Wondering where to draw the line and where to bend, where to push and where to pull and where to just let go. Feeling unsettled, not quite unhappy but afraid that unhappiness is waiting in the wings. Wanting to hear messages I fear I will never hear. Trying to ignore the messages that don’t fit with what I want. Feeling comfort on one level and discomfort on another. Having that nagging gnawing feeling in the back of my brain that it isn’t going to be okay, that I’m selling myself short. Afraid to head in certain directions yet afraid not to. Running too much on fear and not enough on self-actualization. Focusing too much on self and not enough on God. Afraid to trust God’s leading because it very well may take me in a much different direction than my self (and selfishness) wants to go.

Wanting to feel like I matter, not because of how well I can serve others, but just because I am. Me. I want to matter. I want my wants, needs and desires to matter. I’m tired of being nobody. I want to be somebody. Somebody who counts. Somebody who matters.

Truth is that until I believe that I count, until I believe that I matter, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else believes or says or does. I need to be me. I need to believe in me. I need to stand up for me, and stop waiting for others to do for me. I need to find a way to be more dependent on me and less dependent on everyone else.

7 comments:

Buttafly32681 said...

me too.

Sailor said...

The feeling of not mattering is a miserable thing,I'm sorry you're feeling that way.

For years, I called myself the invisible man, because there was no one that I mattered to.

Hugs, I hope you do begin to believe in yourself- and you matter to more than you think :)

Fusion said...

What I've been told over and over is that I need to be selfish for me these days, make my needs a priority in life. I'm doing that more and more now. It feels good, and right. You need to do that for you and N, until he grows up and out of the house, then it's all you baby! Once you're in a good place for you, then you can be ready to share that with others.

Hang in there True, it's not an easy road...

C-Marie said...

Oh but you DO matter!
Listen to your heart and love who You are~
I know how you feel, Trueself, I really do... I wished I had a magic remedy but I don't. I struggled for years with this and one day I thought; I only have this One life and I gotta believe why I'm in it and I gotta believe in who I am while I'm in it and do the best I can.

Hang in there, sweetie!

Desmond Jones said...

"I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. . . My frame was not hidden from you, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; your eyes have beheld my unformed substance, and in Your book were written all the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them." - Psalm 139:14-16

This has often been a wonderfully comforting passage for me, reminding me of who I am, and the care with which my Creator brought me into being. . .

If nothing else, Truey, you are made, 'fearfully and wonderfully', in the image of God. Which, you know, is pretty cool. . .

If you'll permit me to 'push your envelope' just a bit, sometimes I do think that you sell yourself quite short. You've got a lot more dignity as a woman made in God's image, than what you often give yourself credit for. . .

Just sayin'. . . ;)

Trueself said...

Buttafly - Ah, I knew there were others walking the same path.

Sailor - Thanks.

Fuse - Trying to hang in there. And looking forward to seeing you next month at FTN's blogger weekend thingy. First round of Jack & Cokes is on me.

C-Marie - I only have this One life and I gotta believe why I'm in it and I gotta believe in who I am while I'm in it and do the best I can. Yes! That's what I have to come aroung to.

Des - Ding! Ding! Ding! Winner of "the first person to make TS cry today" prize.

If nothing else, Truey, you are made, 'fearfully and wonderfully', in the image of God. Which, you know, is pretty cool. . . Pretty cool indeed. Thanks.

Val said...

Well Desmond was a lot more eloquent than I could ever be, but I just wanted to give you a [virtual, unfortunately!] hug & a figurative pat-on-the-back...
& it IS an incredibly frustrating balancing act, when you'd LIKE to carve out a little time for YOURSELF, but there's the matter of all these pesky COMMITMENTS you've made - go figure!
Hang in there babe