Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Chapter VIII: The Recent Past(ry)

All the previous chapters were originally written in June 2006 when I published them on my other blog. This chapter is about the time since then, the time covered by this blog so you’ve been witness (or had the opportunity at least) to what has gone on in my life.

Over the last two and a half years:
I struggled with depression.
I became an unfaithful spouse.
I fought to hold my marriage together.
I fought to get out of my marriage.
I fought to reconnect with J.
I realized J wasn’t the right guy after all.
I found BJ.
I lost BJ.
I found BJ again.
I left another unsatisfying job.
I finally found a job I like.
I became a member of a church that didn’t want me.
I finally became a member of a church that not only wants me but appreciates me.
I moved from LOH to LNJ.
I tried and gave up on weight management repeatedly.
I got hit by a car and sustained injuries to my right foot.
I fell down the concrete steps in front of BJ’s apartment building and sustained injuries that are still unhealed to my left leg.
I returned to within 10 lbs of my all time high weight.
I struggled with finances.
I struggled with living on my own and caring for myself.

To say that stress has played some part in my life the last couple of years would be akin to saying that Native Americans were pressured slightly by the Europeans a couple of centuries ago. When I look at the long laundry list of things that have happened (many admittedly self-inflicted) it is no wonder to me that I have often felt out of control and like I was losing my grip on reality. In the midst of it all, I repeatedly turned to my oldest, dearest and most faithful friend – food. Throw in a little alcohol consumption on the side of course, just for good measure.

So what are my stats now? I’m at about 335 lbs. and wearing a 28W or 30W depending on the brand of clothing and how stretchy it is. Ouch. I have a closet full of clothes I can’t wear because they’re too small, and when I was losing weight I gave away my old too big clothes. With finances such as they are, my wearable wardrobe is down to four pair of slacks, two skirts, one pair of jeans, three split skirts, half a dozen sweaters, three long sleeve shirts and about a dozen short sleeve tops. I have a few sweatshirts that sort of fit but are really too tight and a couple pair of sweatpants that are the same. I am back to having nightmares about not having enough clothing, similar to the nightmares that would haunt my nights when I was in high school and college and not allowed to buy new clothing just because I couldn’t fit in the old clothing. The answer is so simple. Eat less. Lose the weight. Then I would have a multitude of clothes that fit. I would have work clothes and dressy clothes and casual clothes. If only I could, or would, lose the weight.

To be continued. . .

Next Installment: Looking toward the future


FTN said...

I'm getting caught up on these last few chapters. It sounds like you've had quite the up-and-down past few years.

Serenity said...

"The answer is so simple. Eat less. Lose the weight." Oh honey, if it were only that simple. I'm in the same boat, pretty much; until i find something that replaces the role of food in my life, i will struggle with my weight. It isn't the 'what' to do, it isn't the 'how' to do it, it's the 'why'.

Fusion said...

Serenity is right, with my wife if was always the "why" too...

Nancy said...

You oughta go look at Sparkpeople. It's a free online support site for people trying to lose weight. I've been on it for 3 months and this is the first time in my life that I've been able to lose weight on my own.

Trueself said...

FTN - Yes, quite the rollercoaster ride. No wonder I'm nauseus.

Serenity - You're absolutely right. It's the "why" and until I fix that it ain't gonna get fixed.

Fuse - It's almost always the "why" no matter the issue.

Nancy - I'll have to check that out.