Tuesday, November 06, 2012

I Don't Get It

J, like most men to me, is a mystery.  I have no idea what is in his head most of the time.

What is scary is that I think we are the essence of the cliche, the old joke that goes something like this:

Her side:
He got in the car and didn't say anything, and then when I asked about going to the party he said "sure" but he had a far away look, like something else was on his mind.  Then I saw the cute bouncy blonde from down the street walking by.  Oh sure, was gazing at her.  Look at that little smile.  That's what had his attention.  I knew it.  I knew he was hiding something.  I'll bet he has something going on with her.  Of course he does.  Why else would he look at her that way.  What a jerk!  He isn't interested at all in me anymore, just her.  Okay, that's it!  I'm done.  I am sooooo out of here.

His side:
When we got in the car and she asked about the party I said "sure."  I was preoccupied with how I had ended up at the bottom of the league in fantasy football this week.  Then I thought of the perfect trade I'd just made and how much better off I'll be after next week's games.  Yeah that brought a smile to my face.  Wait?  She's leaving?  What'd I say? What'd I do?

I know I didn't tell it well, but you get the idea.  Women go around making up stuff in their heads while the guys are just going along without a clue what the woman is thinking or why.

That's me with J.  He leaves so many information gaps that I fill them, and I fill them in the most paranoid and negative ways.  Of course, then I turn right around and fill them in the most overly optimistic and naive ways.  For a while I'll think how he hates me, how he only wants me for the occasional booty call, that he'd really rather be with anybody but me if only he could.  Then I'll switch around, convinced that his love for me is so strong that he puts up walls to protect himself lest I hurt him like I did twenty some years ago.  Now, the truth probably doesn't lie on either end of the spectrum.  As far as I can tell, I'll never know for sure.

I overanalyze everything. 
He didn't tell me his wife left him in July when she left him. 
He didn't tell me his wife left him in July when he started asking me to meet up with him a month or so ago.
He didn't tell me his wife left him in July when I chatted with him one Saturday not long ago and lamented that he couldn't meet me in ST2 when I was there by myself for a good part of a day.
He finally told me when we were talking on the phone while I drove home that evening but only because I started asking many pointed questions because I couldn't figure out how he could get away with spending so much time talking and texting with me that day without it causing problems with his wife. 
I asked him why he was able to talk so much that day.  He told me she wasn't home. 
I asked if she was working or out having fun.  He told me she was at her mother's. 
I asked if she was just there for the day or longer.  He told me she'd been there since July.
I asked why he didn't tell me this sooner.  He told me it isn't the kind of thing you just tell somebody in an email or a text message.
I asked why he told me that day he couldn't meet me in ST2.  He told me that he didn't have gas money plus he had lent his car to his neighbor.

WTF?  I have spent the time since then concocting all sorts of stories in my head that would explain all this.  I'm sure none of them is right, but I also fear that the real explanation is one that I would not like. That fear and uncertainty is just eating me up. 

Why don't people just say whatever it is they want to say?  Why don't they just cut the crap and get right down to it?  Why is it better to leave someone wondering than to just come out with it, whatever it is?  I'm not saying people ought to be rude or mean, but there are polite and tactful ways of saying things, even negative things.

If all you want from me is a booty call, then just say so.  Say so, and then I can deal with it.  If you want to be with me in a real relationship but just see too many obstacles, then just say so.  Say so, and then we can deal with those obstacles together.  If you want to drive me crazy, then just keep on doing what you're doing.  Keep doing what you're doing, and then I will probably go batshit fucking nuts.


Jeni Angel said...

I think what I have decided is that, in order for people to be upfront and tell the truth, they have to know that means to them. And most people are so clueless about themselves and what they really think and want. Therefore, they can not just "say so" because that would require a modicum of self awareness, that, I'm sorry, most people just don't seem to have.

And not to bring it back here, since it's finally over, but this is how things like the tea party get out of hand. People are so used to people telling them what to believe and think, that they see no reason to check in with themselves and maybe pick up that burden.


Trueself said...


Thanks for the words of wisdom. I think you are on to something there. I really think J is a very confused man.

BTW, politics is one of the things he and I do not discuss. I happen to know from the past that he and I are diametrically opposed on almost all issues so we just don't go there. Just one of the many off limit topics between J and me.

Val said...

Heh heh - yep those exaggerations are far too close to the truth!!!
Excuse me while I go spin a few flights o' fancy for my own life...